It's day 706 on the island,
and I'd like to request a helicopter home.
All the food has run out, and it's become quite unbearable here.
Starch and Vangelis have gone absolutely twits.
Mr Guinness has gone monkey ape and wants to eat us all.
And I've missed two whole series of the Jim Davidson Generation Game.
I don't wanna play anymore.
You can stick your reality TV and your 50 quid prize money
right up your pooter.
Well, are you gonna bring me home or what?
Hello? Hello?
Answer me.
Right. There's only one way out of here.
You wanna see action, viewers?
You wanna see realTV, huh?
Then watch this.
- I didn't know we had a punchbag. - No.
I used to be a good little boxer, you know.
I had a fist of fury!
Come on, then. Show me the fist of fury. Come on.
- Have a go. - Oh, okay, okay. Right.
Right. Here we go.
Come on.
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, what in the name of Rabbi Gaby Roslin have you got in that?
(GASPS)
Celia Craddox!
She's not a bloody punchbag, get her down!
Beta blockers, beta blockers, beta blockers!
Never fear the corpse.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Don't be afraid.
I'm from the BBC.
Who are you? What do you want?
The name's Eddie Lymphoid.
Are you aware of the BBC reality game show Marooned?
Oh, yeah, it was arse butter. I watched five minutes and switched off.
Horrible programme, full of annoying twats doing pointless tasks.
Whoever made that programme is a poisonous monk.
- It was me. - Oh, I see.
Hmm. Never mind that. I need your help.
Things have gone titty-banana on the island
and one of the contestants has hung himself with a helium balloon.
Oh, nasty!
I want you to collect the body from the island and bring it back to the BBC.
They need the body parts for a new series of Top Gear.
You'll find all the information you need in here.
I have to inform you,
the three remaining contestants of the Marooned group
think that Marooned is the highest-rated television show in Great Britain
and that they're megastars.
They aren't aware that the BBC axed the programme two years ago
because it was bollocks and no sod watched.
Yes, here's £20,000 upfront.
You'll get the other £20.99 when you return. Good luck, Mr Thomas.
Thank you.
But supposing I...
Oh, he's gone.
Actually, no. I just dropped my Murray Mints.
See you!
(WHISTLES) Boys!
(KISSING)
- You all right? - Oh, yes. Sorry.
I've just had a visit from the British Broadcasting Corporation.
- We have got a job. - What is it?
I'll explain on the way. Excuse me.
ARWELL: Where are we going?
We are going to hire a boat.
Well, it seems that no one wants to sail us to the island.
- They all fear it for some reason. - Why?
Well, apparently no sailor has ever returned.
But that's because no sailor has ever sailed there.
However, all is not lost.
The marina master did give me a name and address.
And there is one man who might just be mad enough to take us there.
So, start up.
Hello? Admiral?
Admiral, are you in?
BENTLEY: Lewis?
Lewis, is that you?
- Mr Nimmo? - Who are you? What are you doing here?
Oh, shizers, am I dead?
No, not yet.
Hold on, I know you. Goodness gracious!
I haven't seen you since The Days of Pearly Spencer!
I think you've made a mistake, I've never met you before.
You sure? No, I'm certain I've seen you down the Sausage Emporium.
- The what? - The Sausage Emporium.
The gay bar in Oystermouth.
I've never been to such a place! I'm not like that!
Oh, come along now, man. I know a quincy when I see one.
I'm not a bloody quincy! Christ! What do I need to do to convince you?
Bend over on my hands and knees and beg?
Okay, good news. He's gonna sail us.
Now, listen, I'm not homeophobic or anything,
but I suggest that we keep our bodies port side whilst on this trip.
I think he's a bit Stoke On Trent.
What is Stoke On Trent?
Stoke On Trent, bent. You know, a gay.
What's "a gay"?
You're joking? Come on, Arwell, catch up.
No, he's not joking, Percy. I never had that chat with him.
I was always a bit unsure about Arwell. I didn't want to put ideas into his head.
Ignorance can be a good thing sometimes.
Well, what is it, then?
Well, gay is like...
Is another word for...
- For a sailor. - Oh, I see.
Ship ahoy! Admiral Bentley Nimmo at your services.
Here are your sea togs.
This trip is as treacherous as a skunk fart and you need to dress the part.
Island of Doom, here we come.
(IN THE NAVY PLAYING)
I'm sorry about the safety gear, sisters.
All my life jackets were taken by Lewis when he went off to join those thugs at the RNLI.
There he is.
What is that?
That is my ship, Derek.
Derek and I have sailed all over the world together.
Lewis and I have had a lot of fun in that tub.
Lewis had tiny fingers.
I'm so excited. I've always wanted to be a gay!
JIMMY SOMERVILLE: # Ahh baby!
Okay, sisters. Batten down the hatches, batten down the hatches,
batten down the hatches.
Left side, port side and all that.
And off we go! Follow me, girls!
(IN THE NAVY PLAYING)
(BENTLEY RETCHING)
I can't believe you're seasick already! We've only been sailing for 50 seconds.
What is the matter with you, you great big nurse?
I'm sorry, sisters. I'm not much good on the ocean.
It's so deep and mysterious
and so full of plankton and submarines.
And I hate submarines! They are the phallus of the devil himself.
When I got shaky, Lewis would give me relief to calm me down.
Lewis had tiny fingers.
- Listen, Bentley, can you sail this ship? - Oh, no, I can't!
- My legs have turned to cumber. - Right!
I'll sail the bloody ship, then!
You've never sailed a ship in your life.
Fear not, me hearties, hold on tight, boy bach.
Come on, boys, like lions.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
Oh, no, it's okay.
I'll just sit here and think of Lewis' thumb.
JIMMY SOMERVILLE: # Ahh baby!
Well, actually there is something you could do for me.
Turn around.
Now, bend over a bit and just imagine that your botty has a nose
and is trying to sniff a flower on top of a tall plant.
- Now what? - Freeze.
Land ahoy!
- Where? - There!
IVOR: Oh, yes, I see!
That's it, girls. That's the Island of Doom.
(ALL SHOUTING)
IVOR: We are here
and we have to find this Diary Room thing and collect the body.
Now, then, I must warn you
that some of the contestants are still on the island
and they have got nut rot,
i.e. their brains are fading,
and if they find that one of their kind is dead,
then they'll probably go nitwits and try to kill us.
So, if we see them,
and pray to the almighty Wogan that we don't,
we must pretend that we are their number-one fans.
But I've never seen an episode of it in my life.
I know that, twat boy.
That doesn't matter.
What you have to remember is that their names are Starch and Vangelis,
and the best episode in the series is the one in which
"the girl gets molested by the seal."
Okay?
ALL: Okay.
Well, then. I propose that we all split up,
and I have purchased these walk-about talk-abouts
so we can all stay in contact.
- Here you are. - I'll go with Arwell.
Very well. Percy, you come with me.
- What about Gwynne? - Gwynne can stay here and guard the boat.
Right, then, Percy boy, let's go.
(SNARLING)
So when did you become a gay?
When I joined The Navy Lark back in the '50s.
That's where I met Lewis.
He and I were stationed on the Isle of Man.
Did you know the Isle of Man was a vessel?
- No. Really? - Aye.
Captain Lewis and I patrolled the whole of the British Isles on The Man.
They were great days.
And in 1967, it was judgement day,
the Isle of Man was to be grounded, and Lewis and I got fired.
So how does the Isle of Man stay still?
With an anchor made by God himself.
Ah, look. There it is.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Look! We're trapped.
- No, we're not. - Yes, we are, look, see. Nettles, look.
Oh, don't be an infant, they're only nettles, they can't kill you. Come on.
- Ow! - What, what, what?
- Just got stung. - See, I told you!
They're nasty bastards, they ought to be locked up.
They're vegetation's equivalent of Harold Shipman. Let's have a look.
Oh, dear. Oh, look at this stick.
Go on, right, now hit them. Hit them hard, hit them really hard, go on.
Let her have it! That's it!
(YELLING)
(SNARLING)
- So what happened after the Isle of Man? - Oh, it was very sad.
Lewis left me, went back to his ant farm where he tried to break world records.
He became obsessed.
From baking the world's largest Yorkshire pudding
to opening the world's biggest can of worms, he tried to break everything.
In the end, all he broke was my heart.
So what did you do?
I went on to man my next vessel.
- What vessel was that, then? - Malta.
Oh, you should have seen the anchor on that.
(TWIG SNAPPING)
(BOTH GROANING)
Did you bring any dock leaves?
No, Boots was shut. I couldn't get any.
Right, that's it. The body's in there.
Now, I'll call Arwell and tell him to get down here.
Okay.
IVOR: Your father to Arwell, come over.
IVOR ON RADIO: Arwell, answer the walk-about, you Clifford!
Have you ever made your winkle sneeze?
No. Not yet.
Arwell, are you fucking deaf?
Answer me, you shit.
We've got the body,
and I'm gonna Ted Rogers you if you don't get here now
and give your brother a hand.
Bentley, you great big poof.
Get your cock out of your ass and answer the walk-about talk-abouts,
you jellied twat!
He's not there.
- What do you mean, "He's not there"? - No corpse.
Well, where is it, then?
If it's not in there, it could be anywhere.
Oh, great. I knew this was a bad idea.
(MAN SHOUTING)
What in the name of Lord Maurice Gibb was that?
(MAN HOWLING)
I don't know, but it's giving me the raging willies.
Who are you?
Where have you come from? How did you get here?
- This wasn't supposed to happen. - What?
I mean, oh, my God, I can't believe it's happening.
It's really you.
We travelled all this way to find you.
It's Starch and V...
- (STUTTERING) Vangelis. - Vangelis. Yes, that's right.
You know who we are?
Of course. We've been following the show right from the start, haven't we, Bentley?
Oh, never missed an episode.
Really? What's been your favourite?
BOTH: Um...
It has to be the one when I get attacked by that randy seal.
No! The one where I slap the communal cow across the face
and kicked her in her teats, and her udders exploded.
Well, we've liked all of them,
but the molesting seal episode was probably the most enjoyable.
(LAUGHS) See, I told you I was the best one.
(SINGING IT WASN'T ME BY SHAGGY)
# Wasn't me
(MUMBLING)
# Wasn't me
(MUMBLING)
# It wasn't me
♪ Wasn't me ♪
(MAN GRUNTING)
Holy dirty dancing kippers.
Look, the boat! It's vanished!
Where's Gwynne?
Oh, bollocky barnacles!
How is Gwynne going to survive on an island all solo?
He's bound to give himself a blunder.
Oh. Oh, Da, look who we bumped into.
It's Starch and Vangelis.
Yeah, well, never mind all that now. We're in shtuck.
Gwynne, the boat and the body have all vanished.
What? Derek's disappeared?
Oh, not disappeared, bloody vanished!
Well, that's worse. Oh, fuck!
(MAN ROARING)
Listen to that. We're in danger out here in the open.
You'd best come back to the settlement with us.
Mr Guinness is out there and he'll be getting hungry.
Mr Guinness?
He was one of the contestants.
You must remember him, you're our number-one fan.
Oh, yes, Mr Guinness.
I remember.
But why don't you inform the millions of new viewers
who will be tuning in, across the country, as we speak?
Well, Mr Guinness went a bit mad
and ate his own tongue.
He got so sick of eating corn that he developed a taste for human flesh
and started eating himself.
But that hurt too much,
so now he just eats bark and trespassers.
It was five months ago now, and we haven't seen him since.
And then the other day, Baron, the third Marooned contestant, went missing.
We think he's been eaten by Mr Guinness,
and it's only a matter of time before he gets us, too.
That's why we surround our shelter with corn. He's terrified of it.
It's like garlic to a vampire.
Or cheese to Gorden Kaye.
Hey, maybe he ate our corpse.
That's exactly what I'm thinking.
Hold on. What about Gwynne?
What if he eats Gwynne? Come on, we got to go find him.
Hey, how about a little singsong to welcome our new friends?
What? This is hardly the time. Gwynne is missing.
You will sing! You will entertain us.
Yeah. Gwynne's all right. He's probably up the mountain,
playing Operation with his cannibal friend as we speak. Sing.
(BUZZES)
(MR GUINNESS GRUNTING)
Never mind, Gwynne.
Your go, Mr Monkey.
(BUZZES)
(GRUNTING)
(IMITATES BUZZING)
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, it gets dark around here pretty quickly.
That's why they call it the Island of Doom.
Which one should we sing, then?
Uh, that one.
Oh, Starch, it's your favourite.
# Gotta get up, gotta get out
# Grab the world by the throat and shout
# Gotta find it, get us a share
# Making bread out of nothing but air
# Riding high into the cloud
# Catch the penny and missing the pound
# It doesn't matter 'cause we'll soon turn it around
# As soon as we get home, b-b-bread
# We're making out, we'll take it home, b-b-bread
♪ We keep it in the family ♪
# When I'm alone
# With only dreams of you
# And I am blue, what'll I do?
♪ Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo ♪
Oh, classic, classic.
- Linda Robson, Pauline Quirke. - Oh, yeah.
What's wrong? Is it Derek?
No, no, no, no.
Oh, it's easy to get another vessel.
Or is it Lewis, with his tiny, tiny fingers?
(CHUCKLES) No. No, it's not that, either.
It's... Well, actually, it's you, Arwell.
- Me? - I like you, Arwell.
I like you a lot.
Maybe when all this nonsense is over,
you can join me and Derek and sail to Zanzibar.
Would you like that?
Oh, I'd love that. We could be two seamen together.
Walk with me, Arwell.
We'll get to know each other inside out.
Okay.
(SNORING)
(SHUSHING)
ARWELL: What a wonderful man.
How kind of him to invite me to Zanzibar.
Oh, what an adventure!
He'll look after me.
BENTLEY: I want to anchor you up and roger you like a tank.
ARWELL: What a great opportunity.
He's such a thoughtful old man.
BENTLEY: Have some poppers.
I want to bust your apples with my vessel.
ARWELL: What will Da say?
Will he let me go?
Oh, of course he will.
He knows I'll be safe in Bentley's barnacled hands.
BENTLEY: I want to get you pissed up,
bend you over the engine and do it every which way but loose.
It's Derek!
Hooray! We're saved.
Come on.
Oh, Derek, you bastard vessel.
(SCREECHING)
(WHIMPERING)
I could get used to this, you know.
Being a castaway.
Sitting up all night.
Singing songs back there with Bangers and Mash,
watching the waves.
Yeah, me, too.
No more dead bodies and weeping widows,
just us, the sand and the sea.
(LAUGHS) Magical.
(SNIFFING)
- Christ, I'm bored. - And me.
I'll never see my beautiful parlour again.
How the hell are we going to get off this bumford of an island?
Ahoy there!
Look at me. I'm a proper gay now.
Look, he's found the boat!
Yes, we can go home.
Hold on. What about Gwynne and the body?
Oh, dank! I forgot about them.
Where the hell is that silly fat sod?
Iechyd da, Da.
Da, close your eyes, corpse alert.
I founded him. I founded the dead 'un, all on me pod.
Well done, Gwynne.
ARWELL: Okay, Gwynne, wrap the body in this.
Excuse me, where are you going?
You're not leaving, are you?
Yeah. Afraid so, boy bach.
It's been great meeting you, but we better go 'cause we got a funeral to arrange, see?
- Funeral? - Yeah.
(STUTTERING) Yeah, for my auntie.
She stepped on a sea cucumber down under.
It was a terrible business. Terrible!
- But we like your company. - Yes.
You'll stay here forever and sing the Bread theme and other classics.
Don't you understand how much fun we've had since you arrived?
I actually smiled last night.
I haven't smiled for years.
# You make us feel H-A-P-P-Y
♪ I'm H-A-P-P-Y ♪
No, no, no. Look, look, look, you'll be all right.
You don't want us hanging around here. Come on, boys.
Halt. You will stay with us forever.
PERCY: Oh, yeah?
And how are you gonna make us?
Oh, bloody hell. They've gone wrong!
Stay here or I'll smash your brains to putty.
(EXCLAIMS) It's Baron.
He's killed Baron.
Murderers!
Go on, Percy, go on.
Hit him with his flip-flop, go on.
Go on, beat the shit out of him. That's it, that's it.
No, I will not hit a woman.
IVOR: Hit him with the flip-flop!
En garde!
Oh, you prick.
Remember Zorro, boy. Remember Zorro! You've seen the film.
That's it. That's it.
Go on, boy.
Never let go of it, boy, that's it.
Stab him, hit him, poke him in the eye.
(ECHOING) No!
(SHOUTING)
You haven't lost it, Ivor old boy.
Percy. Percy!
ARWELL: Da! I think I've killed her.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
No, you must not kill a woman with a Colt.45.
(GUN FIRES)
Lewis, Lewis.
Is that you?
Oh, Lewis.
Arwell, this is Lewis.
Oh, hello, Lewis.
I am sorry, Arwell. I'm gonna have to stay here with Lewis.
He needs me.
Take Derek and don't forget to visit.
- But... - No buts.
Don't make this any more difficult than it already is.
But all those things you thought,
busting my apples and all that.
I meant them all, but this is the way it has to be.
And who knows, Arwell,
one day you may see us in the Guinness Book of Records.
Goodbye, everyone,
and safe voyage.
Come on, Percy. Like a lion, boy bach.
- Is he all right? - I hope so.
We'll put him on the boat now.
Bugsy sailing.
Bollocks to Bugsy, I'm the captain here. Let's go, boys.
(SAILING PLAYING)
♪ I am sailing
♪ Home again
♪ 'Cross the sea
♪ I am sailing
♪ Stormy waters
♪ To be near you
♪ To be free
♪ We are sailing
♪ Home again
♪ 'Cross the sea
♪ We are sailing
♪ Stormy waters
♪ To be near you
♪ To be free ♪