Pile cream? Pile cream. Why have you bought me pile cream?
Hally from school said sometimes when you're pregnant, you get piles.
Well, I haven't. You sure? Have you checked?
Because she said her downstairs is... Dan. ..like smashed-up plum crumble.
Sorry, I had that cued up.
Look, I know you're sorry about forgetting to pick me up.
You don't need to buy me presents.
I want to buy you presents, you're my...
My?
One more present.
They look happy, don't they? Makes you think?
Doesn't make me think. Makes me think.
Makes you think what? What does it make you think of?
Makes me think of the game of Twister.
I think if you think a bit harder, it might make you think of...
Get a job, Dan.
"And that's when I realised,
"I should've gone for a wee when I had the chance.
"I had started to leak, and what a surprise,
"I was wearing light blue jeans".
Oh, dear! He sounds very sorry for himself.
Absolutely self-obsessed, I'm afraid.
"I was late..." Oh, morning, Carol. Oh? Would you like a coffee?
Oh, thank you, I'm not to have it.
Father says it makes me skiff.
Skiff? A skiff-skiff here, a skiff-skiff there.
"Have you had coffee again, girl? Stop skiffing about the place,"
he'll say, "It's like living with a Mad March pink-eyed hare"!
..and shouted, 'Look at his winkle!'"
Did you see the flowers?
Oh, did you leave those? Thank you, it's really kind.
Just wanted to brighten the place up a bit for you, it can't be easy.
Living in a dead man's room? Yeah. No. No.
"Dad did that joke again when he pulls my trousers and pants down
"when I'm not expecting it.
"Jerry, the milkman, was delivering at that very moment,
"and he saw my peas and carrot".
On that, do you think we could move some of the old man's stuff out?
Um... Specifically, the giant statue of Christ? It's just...
..it's a bit unnerving, cos... I mean, it's cross-eyed.
Cross-eyed Christ?
Yeah, it's a cross-eyed Christ.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Daniel,
I'm afraid the family absolutely insist that we move nothing
until they can come themselves.
Lord knows when that's going to be.
They've had their bus pass taken away!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
"He gave Dad a thumbs-up,
"and then they started talking about race horses, as if I wasn't there.
"I pulled my pants up, and watched Swap Shop".
The child had no idea about narrative structure, for a start.
Is it any wonder his dad ridiculed him? Sounds like he needed it!
Needed it! Yes, Richard was just trying to toughen the boy up!
You were too soft on him, Polly, let him get away with too much!
Shh! His dad loved him very much.
What are you reading?
Nothing. Mum!
Well, Daniel, I was going through some things in storage,
and I found your diary.
And it's worried me very much!
She overindulged you,
and she's worried you'll do the same to Simon Bridges.
Give me that!
Daniel! You must make Simon strong!
Teach him not to be so frightened of everything!
Yes, and teach him not to put his Action Men rifles up his penis!
Page 54!
The child was deranged!
Like a hot monkey!
Unbelievable!
Remember, one man's rubbish is another man's gold.
Last week, I went past the bins in Marks and Spencer,
I found a whole frozen chicken.
It got wrapped in a cardigan, and was perfectly preserved.
Mr Crumbs... Enjoying that?
I like yogurt. Well, you like MY yogurts.
It was in fridge.
My fridge!
Morning Brian! Really exciting meeting.
You know what? Being fired from the lost property office has made me
realise money is an absolute con.
Turns out, you don't need a job.
You can live with no money.
OK, just as an alternative theory, no, you can't.
You can, and it's called "freeganism"!
Right, Mr Crumbs? Oh, yeah, big time!
You, Mickey and...
Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs are indeed living for free, in my flat.
Brian, yesterday, Mickey and Mr Crumbs only ate bread
they found in the park.
And that was just day one!
We've come up with loads of ideas today!
OK, well, while you and your two human ducks are wasting the day
with this horseshit, could you please ask Mr Crumbs to stop
helping himself to my yogurts?
I likes yogurts. Yes!
See how stressed money makes you, guys?
Right, let's get brainstorming.
MUSIC: Lovely Day by Bill Withers
# When I wake up in the morning, love
# And the sunlight hurts my eyes
# And something without warning, love
# Bears heavy on my mind
# Then I look at you
♪ And the world's all right with me... ♪
# Just one look at you
# And I know it's going to be
♪ A lovely day... ♪
The hell was all that about? What?
Don't "what" me, mate, you just assaulted Jason!
I'm not mate, I'm Kevin.
Right. It's a figure of speech, Kevin.
Just go over there and cool off.
Sir! This'll come off, yeah?
He's fucking mad! Why's he written "rat" on my head?
Not going well, his interview, is it? He's got "rat" on his head.
He's mad! Why's he written "rat"?
You are a rat. Fuck off, mum's clothes!
I don't wear my mum's clothes! Come on then, you prick!
How old is that kid?
Yes or no? I mean, they're challenging,
but I think I can develop some strategies.
Do you want the job or not? Well, let's talk pay.
Classroom assistant, basic.
Not a teaching role. Noise is fine,
we're far enough away from the main school building.
And it'll be the same faces that get sent here most days.
Yeah...if I didn't know better,
I'd say this place was a dumping ground for the disruptive kids.
It's almost... A bin?
It's your call.
Babies are expensive things, aren't they?
Mum's clothes!
Come on, then! Who wants to fight me? Come on, let's go...
Go well?
They're insane!
I'm going to tell him to stick it!
And go back to farming?
Well, there's got to be another way.
What other skills have you got?
Didn't you say you could get four digestives in your mouth?
Five. Listen to me when I tell you things.
She's got it all worked out already.
She can live at her parents' house.
I've got nothing to offer that baby before it even arrives.
Yeah, you have. What?
Come on, use your brains!
You remember what it's like to be a kid, don't ya?
What did you need?
"I don't know what I'd do without him!
"He's my special, special friend!
"I want to squeeze him so tight until we both cry together
"like best friends!"
Is this your diary? You were King of the Losers!
Give me that!
"Bear and I had a lovely day in the park.
"We held hands. It was so sunny and lovely.
"Don't think I'll ever forget".
Oh, Bear! This ice cream is so lovely!
Would you like some?
You've got it all over your nose!
You're my best friend! Oh...
A bear?
I don't remember.
I don't remember!
MUSIC: Only You by The Platters
# Only you...
# Can make this world seem right
# Only you...
# Can make the darkness bright
# Only you and you alone
# Can thrill me like you do
♪ And fill... ♪
Brian! Look at all the stuff I got for free!
Jo, we need to talk. I can't believe I never thought of it before!
Why would you get a boring job when you've got all this stuff
just scattered around for free?
I'll tell you why, because you're not a fucking Womble.
Why are you so angry?
Shakira? I don't use money any more.
What've you got for free? Fuck all.
Well said. Come on, you must have something that's going out of date.
It's good for the environment?
Whatever that means. Jo, has it occurred to you,
I might want my flat back soon?
So my children can visit me?
That's all part of the strategy.
Me and Mickey are trialling a free food and drink technique
this afternoon, and Mr Crumbs is out bulb-scrumping as we speak.
Bulb-scrumping?
Bulb-scrumping. Bulb-scrumping?
Mr Crumbs goes around unscrewing light bulbs,
creating what we call "Dark Town".
Ultimately, we make a deal with the council.
We restore light, in exchange for land.
Bish bash bosh, you get your flat back,
we build a house out of old tyres.
You're insane!
Jo, you can't live in my flat for free like some twisted Fagin,
sending your street urchins out to steal light bulbs!
Listen to this. Oh, God...
"Mum and dad were out, so Bear and I played in my room all night".
Oh, Bear, you won!
"Me and Bear were so tired, we snuggled in bed
"and had nice kisses".
I just came to say goodnight.
Goodnight, Mummy.
That better not be who I think it is!
You're too old for this, Daniel!
You'll get bullied at school again if they find out!
But he's my friend!
Well? Well, what?
Well, my only friend as a child was a toy bear that
I can't even remember. And?
And?
It stands to reason that my child might be a
no-friends loser too, so... So?
So, I'm going to have to find that bear, aren't I?
Pass him down to my child! As a matter of urgency. Thank you!
That's the conclusion you've reached?
Yes! A friend for life.
The friend that saved his dad's life.
My God, you always were a deluded idiot.
You can read it for yourself, you '70s catalogue model!
Grow up! Both of you, grow up!
Brian?
What's wrong with him?
He needs a fuck.
A good, hard fuck.
How is Bob? He's left me.
He's got a part in "Star Wars".
Amazing!
Oi!
What's so urgent, Daniel?
Nesta and I are going to a cheese and wine at Cath Price's chalet.
Oh, why didn't you say? I would've arranged a police escort!
Why are you in a judo outfit?
Well, every do we attend,
Jeanie Edwards copies what I wear,
so I'm giving her something to think about.
My God. Certainly puts the conflict in the Middle East into perspective.
If we don't get there early,
Christine Kenyon will have gobbled all the blue cheese.
What do you want? I want my bear!
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
I don't even remember having a bear, but he was obviously important,
so I want it! You had all sorts of silly toys.
You were a spoiled little puffer fish.
Good. Where are they?
You shouldn't be playing with toys, Daniel, you're a big boy!
I don't want to play with them, you mummified clown!
Where are they?
Paulie!
Nesta will be cross.
She used to tell me off when she came to stay.
What? Why?
Oh, Bear, look at you! You've got it all over you!
Boop!
Honestly, he's been much better recently, Nesta!
So, let me see the boy, Paulie!
I knew it! You are ten years of age, Daniel.
It isn't right.
Do you want people to think that you're odd?
No!
No! Bear!
Bear!
I do remember!
But why was Nesta cross?
Paulie, what are you playing at?
Kenyon's just gobbled up the best part of a wheel of Roquefort.
Daniel's looking for his toys.
He wants Bear.
I knew this would happen. Never mind about the past, Daniel.
Concentrate on being a strong father.
Where are they? Where are my toys?!
I gave your toys to the children's ward at the hospital.
Oh, Paulie, will you never learn? Right!
But, Daniel...about the bear...
Oh, Daniel.
Pretty delicious, eh, Mick?
One pint of blood, two free biscuits and a cup of tea.
Bosh! So much for Brian's theory.
I don't mean you should double drop, Mick.
You can't handle it, you haven't got enough blood.
On your head be it.
Oh, hello.
Come to give blood? We most certainly have.
OK, well, come on in, take a seat.
MUSIC: Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell
♪ I am a lineman for the county... ♪
How did we end up here, eh, young man?
# Searchin' in the sun for another overload
♪ I hear you singin' in the wire... ♪
Hello?
It's me.
Yeah, I was expecting to be at work today.
But I don't have that much on, and...I could use some time,
a couple of hours.
No, I know we said not today, it's just, I could really do...
Yeah.
That's great. Just great.
Yeah...only a couple of hours, I promise.
# And I want you for all time
♪ And the Wichita lineman... ♪
What are you doing?
Oh, hello!
You're too big to play with toys.
Oh, you're never too big to play with toys.
You are! You're too big!
Toys are for poorly boys and girls.
Right. Well, we're all poorly in our own way, kid.
Do one.
Rabbit wants to know why you haven't said hello.
Because I'm not insane, kid.
Get lost! I'm trying to find a bear here.
There's no bear anywhere!
Rabbit says he might know where there's other toys.
Good, where?
You have to ask Rabbit.
Where are the toys?
Rude.
Excuse me, Rabbit.
Where are the other toys, please?
Oh, my God.
He says, "Follow us".
At last!
Rabbit says, "Don't be so impatient."
I'm this close, kid.
Not long now, Mick!
Yum-yum, biscuit time!
In your face, Brian!
Who said there's no such thing as free food?
Mick? Mickey?! Nurse!
Hello? Jo, calm down!
Well, what's wrong with him?
I'm going somewhere.
He's not going to die, Jo.
All right, all right!
I'll come over.
God! Can there be no release?!
The ladies put them in there when they come in.
What? Rabbit wants to know what we get for showing you where they are.
The knowledge that you have got my baby a special friend.
Oh... Rabbit says he wants 100 quid.
What?! 100...?
You want to choose your special friends a little more carefully!
Bear would never try a cheap trick like that.
You and Rabbit should be ashamed of yourselves!
Ah, he's stealing the toys! He's stealing the toys!
You bitch!
Oi, stop!
What's going on? Oh...
It's Mickey, don't worry.
He's going to be fine, he's just given too much blood.
He double dropped for another biscuit.
Is that what you've been doing?
Jo, this free-gan thing is madness, for God's sake!
I'm sorry for calling you, Brian, but I was frightened.
I've spent my whole life dealing with your bullshit.
Either you or that idiot are getting in my way all the bloody time!
They're my toys! Oi! Dan?
Oi, stop!
Oh, God! He's not here!
The bear's not here!
Oh, Dan. Jesus.
Bear! Where are you, Bear?
Dad? Where have you been, Dan?
Her waters have broken!
I've been looking for Bear! What?
I went to the hospital to have Bear, but he's not here!
Bear! Where are you, Bear?!
Dan! Emma is about to give birth, pull yourself together!
Bear! I need to get onto labour ward.
Yeah. It's all I had to give!
Bear's all I've got to give!
She's in pain, you stupid man!
Dan! I'm useless!
Our son will be too without his special friend! Daniel!
Ow, it really hurts! Bear! Dan!
Dan! Bear! Oh, Mummy, it hurts!
Bear! Bear!
Bear! Dan!
Bear!
Dan, for God's sake!
I was Bear!
Bear and I had a lovely day in the park.
We held hands...so sunny and lovely.
Oh, Bear! This ice cream's so lovely, would you like a lick?
Oh! Bear! No!
You've got it all over your nose!
You're my best friend!
Bear!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Mum and Dad were out, so Bear and I played in my room all night.
Oh, Bear, you won!
Me and Bear were so tired, we snuggled in bed and had nice kisses.
No! No!
That better not be who I think it is!
Oh, Bear! Look at you, you've got it all over you!
Oh!
I knew it! Bear!
No! Bear!
Bear!
Get that woman in here, now!
Are you the father?
Come on, then!
Breathe.
Go on.
We're OK, yeah? Yep!
No, it's just that I... Just go and meet your child.
Yeah.
We'll talk about it later. No need.
But we're cool? Yep!
MUSIC: The Teddy Bears' Picnic by Henry Hall
# If you go down in the woods today
# You're sure of a big surprise
# If you go down in the woods today
# You'd better go in disguise!
# For every bear that ever there was
# Will gather there for certain because
# Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic
♪ Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic. ♪