(SIGHING]
Victor.
I can't take it anymore. Enough is enough. Let's get to it.
And then I woke up, and it was just a dream.
You know, I'm not usually thrown by my dreams, but this one, it was so. . . .
Oh, the problem is, Claire, is that I'm not in control again.
I usually can control my fantasies. I manipulate my unconscious.
Now they keep popping up when I don't want them, and--
We're coming up on the third date. The sex date.
CLAIRE: What are you afraid of?
Ally?
-Yes, yes. -What are you afraid of?
Well, I think that I'm afraid that it will be totally fantastic.
And as much as I like Victor, and I do, I do, I do. . .
. . .I don't want to fall in love with him.
And you think if you let him into your little temple. . .
. . .he might snorkel his way up to your cockles?
You have such a way with words, Claire.
Oh, Ally, I don't pretend to be psychic or even clairvoyant.
But when I look at you, I see a tender and vulnerable woman.
And then when I hear about your fears and trepidations. . .
. . .I see an elitist little snot, who can't bear the idea of shacking up. . .
. . .with a plumber!
Get over it, Ally McBeal.
This man fiddles with pipes for a living.
Why not let him have a wee go at yours?
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Love ls All Around
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light To fiind my way back home
Baby
Oh yeah
What is Richardson v. Price Communications?
Holly Richardson was fired for not attending a Bully Broad class.
-Bully Broad? -It's a feminization program.
Some corporations make female executives attend.
-You're kidding. -I wish I were.
Your bigger problem is opposing counsel. Jack Mitchell got replaced.
-You get Liza Bump. -Bump? Her name is Bump?
The one they call Lolita, Nelle. You're going up against Lolita.
-What? -No, I've heard of her.
So have l.
Well, who is she?
She's 21 , the most innocent-looking thing in the world. A killer.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
RAYMOND: She went through college in two years.
Now she goes through anybody who goes up against her.
Well, she's not going through me, not on this case.
Next item. Ally, hiring?
I've been meeting candidates and I'm hoping to extend an offer this week.
-Excellent. Good luck on your date. -Richard!
Hey, this is big, Ally. It's a sex date.
I resolve that the personal lives of lawyers shall not be discussed. . .
(VOICE GETS HIGHER]
. . .during meetings. All in favor? Aye, as in l. Motion passes.
Can I see you in private, Richard? Yeah.
RICHARD: I'm sorry. -No, never mind that.
You said we could get John back if we needed him.
-I did. -We need him.
I've heard about Lolita, and she's gonna chew through Nelle.
Get John on a plane. Maybe we can push the trial to tomorrow.
-He's not in Mexico. -He's not?
He's working at a Mexican restaurant in Boston.
I beg your pardon?
He's a waiter at Las Pasadas.
I've heard it from three different people.
-Has he gone off the deep end? -Maybe.
I figure he must not want us to know. You really think we need him?
I do.
So sorry to intrude, but I have news.
-You're pregnant? -No, but you're on the right track.
After our discussion last night. . .
. . .I went home with my libido in full regalia. . .
. . .and I played trains and tunnels with my special someone. . .
. . .so that he became even more special.
-I'm not following. -I'm getting married!
Can we back up a second? You played trains and tunnels with somebody?
-Not just somebody. A special somebody. -Oh.
He's coming in this afternoon. We'll all meet him.
Oh, thank you, Ally.
You inspired me to do rude things with him last night.
By the way, have you and Victor had a little chafing of the loins yet?
No, no, but thanks for asking.
I'm sorry.
You are?
Todd Merrick. We have an appointment.
-For tomorrow. -I know that.
It's best to check out the place absent the vice of a formal interview.
-You're Ally McBeal? -Yes.
-Interesting. Senior partner? -Yes.
Interesting.
I'm sorry, what are you doing here?
I just told you. Shouldn't the woo-er be feigning excitement to the woo-ee?
I am a litigator, so my compass is more finely tuned to human behavior.
-Do you ever get to court? -Okay.
The interview will take place tomorrow.
I will be asking questions, and you will be in a suit minus the cap.
Would that be okay with you, Mr. Merrick?
Ah.
-What "ah"? -Nothing. I look forward to tomorrow.
-Fine. -Fine.
-Okay. -Okay.
We're trying to get him, don't you think you should've been nice?
Who does he think he is?
I think he knows who he is.
-I can try this case myself. -But if this woman is as good--
-I can beat her. -It's also a chance to get John back.
-How we doing? -Fine. We want a different waiter.
A little one who stutters, maybe a nose whistle?
We're in a hurry, so off you go.
From what I hear of Lolita, she does better against men.
You're a fine attorney, but John's the best litigator we have, and he--
Oh, my God.
(SINGING IN SPANISH]
Ah-yah-yah Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi
You know, Ally, there is no rule that you two have to have sex.
I know that, but it's--
It is so in the air with both of us, that it's becoming really conspicuous.
How so?
Well, the other night, we went to this really nice restaurant.
He was so cute. He put on a little tie and a little coat.
And when we were saying goodbye, it was like. . .
. . .okay, here comes the first big kiss.
I could feel my heart beating. Even my lips were beating.
I know that he felt the same way. . .
. . .because he just looked like, you know, and. . . .
We, like, so wanted to kiss each other, and, well, it--
It just, um. . . .
We ended up not kissing each other, because. . .
. . .there was just so much pressure, so the idea of making love is. . . .
I remember the first time with my ex. He got food poisoning.
(KNOCKING]
-Hello? -Oh, Jerome!
Oh, come in. Hello.
Ally, this is Jerome. My special someone.
-Hi. -Hello, Ally.
-Claire speaks so highly of you. -Oh, thank you.
-How'd sex go with Victor? -Jerome, your manners.
It hasn't happened yet.
-How long have you two been an item? -We've been together three months.
Wow, that's fast to be getting married, isn't it?
Well, Ally, if I moved at your pace, I'd be, well, dead.
-I did go to Mexico. I lasted one day. -Why?
JOHN: Well, the dysentery hit at hour 1 2.
-Plus, it wasn't there. -What wasn't there?
My Mexico. Not the one I went to find.
No mariachis, no sequined clothing.
None of the simplicity and sunlit charm I've found here.
-We need you, John. -Oh, please, Richard.
Lolita pulls little tricks. She's vicious, according to Raymond.
-Nelle is vicious. -Thank you.
You said if we ever had a case where we needed you, you'd come back.
We need you.
I've heard tales of this Lolita.
RICHARD: Fire. I saw fire in your eyes.
Does this mean you're coming back?
If I must.
-Gracias. -De nada.
-This Saturday? -Why wait? lf it's right, it's right.
Well, yes, but can't you wait a little?
Between us girlfriends, I'm not a young woman, and my supply of nectar is low.
And what little is left is curdled.
-What's going on? ALLY: Richard!
You're the guy I need to see. I have a date, and I need you to take over.
-What? -I'm not sure of Jerome's motives.
-Who? -The special someone!
I need you to get a prenup drafted and signed.
-Why me? -You're the man of honor.
Claire has money, Jerome doesn't. I don't trust it. Get Corretta to help--
(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
I'm Liza Bump. I'm looking for Nelle Porter.
She's in John Cage's office, back--
Thank you.
-Is that who I think it is? -Lolita.
Sorry I'm late. Pedestrians. I brake for them. New Year's resi.
Oh, how cute! You look like a little stuffy!
Makes me wanna do this: Bet you get that all the time.
Wow, you're gorgeous. I'm Liza Bump.
I now represent Price Communications, which I enjoy doing.
So cute! I go for older men, though not this old.
-You talk? Or do I pull a string? -This isn't a good start.
The discharge was valid. You can't win. If you could, for how much?
Wouldn't it be more fun to settle?
I am sorry. Pinch a cheek, let go. Common sense. I'm young. I'll learn.
$225,000. You can buy dinner. We can discuss your products.
One million. You buy.
Don't make me try this. I'm not prepared.
Oh, you seem prepared to me. One million or trial.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. Trial.
Prenuptial?
You have money, he doesn't. We want you to be protected.
-Have you broached this with him? -I mentioned protection once.
He put on a condom.
Oh, no, no. We mean financial protection.
God forbid, things don't work out.
We'd hate for you to pay alimony or a big amount--
-He'll blink at that idea. -Prenups are common.
No, I mean he'll blink.
He's got this disorder. When he's nervous, he blinks.
I don't like it when he blinks. It makes me blink. It's horrible.
Claire, let us take it up with him.
It doesn't have to seem like it's coming from you.
Okay.
Are you having a lousy time?
No. Why?
Well, things just feel a little stiff.
Maybe we should bring Maddie on our dates.
Or maybe you and Maddie could go out.
Or you could wait eight years. She'll be your type. . .
. . .Iittle teenager, perky body. Is that it?
I'm sorry.
-It's okay. What's the matter? -It's just that. . . .
This is our third date.
And this is the big sex date.
-You're not nervous at all? -There's nothing to be nervous about.
If we ever have sex, it will be because it feels right.
If we ever?
So it could, you know, it could be a ways off?
I don't know when. It's not gonna do us any good to worry.
-Maddie worries. -About when we're gonna have sex?
About if-- She's just riding on us as a couple.
The further we go, the more invested she is. So I worry.
And I just don't want to move too fast and blow you.
(SIRENS WAILING]
It! No. It, it, it. I meant to say blow it.
Ally.
All right.
We're not gonna have sex tonight.
But I'm not going anywhere.
Thank you.
I'm a tough executive. I don't dispute that. I can be demanding.
-Are you a bully? -Absolutely not.
I was shocked when they asked me to attend this Bully Broad seminar.
Did your employer state a reason for your unlawful termination?
Objection! Hello? Leading!
I would ask that counsel rise to lodge objections.
You're making short jokes?
Well, if that isn't the pot--
(NOSE WHISTLES]
Ms. Bump, sit.
Ms. Richardson, why were you fired?
Male employees found me to be bitchy.
Mr. Horace thought I could learn to be more feminine.
I could benefit from anti-assertiveness training.
When I refused to submit to it, he fired me.
-You don't seem bitchy. -Thank you.
Anti-assertiveness. Are you confrontational?
No more than men. I'm a woman, so I shouldn't stand up for myself?
-So you stood up to Mr. Horace on this? -Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, is that your husband?
Yes.
Handsome.
Hey, you. Hold on a second.
Oh. Hi. Is it Nil?
-It's Nelle. -Where's the stuffy?
With the client. What am I missing?
-Clearly, you don't think you can win. -Clearly, I must. But I'm young.
Maybe foolish. Were you ever?
-Foolish? -Young.
I'll throw in an extra 50. You and the stuffy avoid the embarrassment. . .
. . .of losing a no-brainer, which you think this is. Come on, Null--
It's Nelle.
Tell the stuffy 50 more, just for being cute.
-When's he gonna hear that again? -Have you seen the stuffy in court?
No, and I've heard so much about him. Not a peep about you.
That's one of the reasons I wanna go forward. Because he's good.
-He is. Trust me. -Gee. When I factor in trusting you. . . .
Eenie, meenie, I'm a weenie. Trial.
It's a cut in salary, but you'd get equity sooner than in other firms.
I'd need two secretaries and a junior associate assigned to me.
-Why? -You want me because of my billings.
I get that work done because I have resources.
And why aren't you listening to me?
-Sorry? -You want me here, and you seem bored.
Do I need to spice up my answers?
Oh, no. I'm just. . . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's not you.
I'm just a little distracted by something else.
The sex date?
People talk in your unisex. What's the problem?
Let's stick to the interview.
I am. I'll be working for you.
I have concerns about working for a woman. . .
. . .who can't relate to men, even personally.
-I relate to men. -You're talking clipped.
My private life is not an issue of your employment.
-Yes, it is. -Why?
You're senior partner at a young age. You have a child.
You have a complete life without a male partner.
This makes you an alpha female, Type A.
The benign assumption is you're independent.
-The malignant: Ding-ding, man-hater. -Did it occur to you I might be gay?
Gay women don't send off signals.
-What signals? -"He's cute" signals.
-Are you--? -Sent to me when I walked in.
-I did not. -Did too.
Get out!
-You mean I'm not hired? -Out!
I never interview well.
-A pre-what? -Nup.
May I ask why?
It's a precaution. This isn't Claire's idea. It's ours.
-A precaution for what? -If for some reason the marriage failed--
We want to spare Claire the financial hardship that could be caused. . . .
Are you all right?
I'm caught to the quick.
-I thought we had a love like no other. -We do.
I'm extremely befuddled.
We're about to be betrothed with vows of forever, till death do us part. . .
. . .what God has joined together, and you want to put in a rider, just in case.
Look at him blink.
Without passing any judgment on your relationship, we have to face facts.
Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.
I'm sure we look like just another couple.
-Not exactly. JEROME: I'm not after her money.
But the idea of preparing for or anticipating failure. . .
. . .or even making room for the idea of it, how should I respond?
-I told you he'd blink. -Draft up what you like. I'll sign it.
He won't be sipping from the nectar trough tonight.
WOMAN: Here you go.
(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
Oh! Lolita.
My name is Liza Bump. I don't appreciate that other moniker.
-Where's John Cage? -Why?
It's personal.
-What's personal? -I've come to apologize.
Pinching your cheek, that pucker I threw in court.
I am sexually attracted to you.
I'm not going to deny it to myself. I shouldn't deny it to you.
I'll try not to let it affect me in court. I hope it doesn't affect you.
Again, I apologize.
You seem sad.
Oh, well. . . .
Tell me about it. Maybe I can help. I'm good at helping people.
Al.
(CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said.
-When I have opinions, I reveal them. -You sure had an opinion about this.
I went down a path with a single mom, and it fell apart at the moment your. . . .
So when I see a woman over complicating things. . .
. . .it hits a nerve. I'm sorry.
No.
No, I'm sorry.
Well, I didn't know.
You know, if I had, I certainly would have called you a dope.
You think I'm overcomplicating this?
I am not overcomplicating this! This is complicated!
My daughter is falling for him. I see her with him.
I'm falling for him with her.
And the way he makes her feel affects how I feel. Excuse me.
I don't know whether I am pursuing my happiness or hers. It is complicated.
That's probably what happened with your friend.
The fact it never occurred to you brings me back to: Dope!
No offense!
Notwithstanding the possibility that your feelings for him. . .
. . .are bound up with his relationship with your kid, it's a third date!
You just decide if you sleep with him or not.
-Which brings me back to: Get out! -You get out!
-This is my office! -But after the fight, the girl runs out!
Yet another opinion best not revealed.
I'll see you.
This was only about trying to make her a better executive.
A seminar to make her more feminine?
HORACE: We wanted to soften her. She was alienating male employees.
It compromised productivity.
These seminars teach how to cultivate loyalty and incentive to perform.
Holly is a smart woman.
But for men to refuse to work with her was a problem.
Holly's problem. I was trying to help her address it.
You sent three other female executives to this seminar.
They all thanked me for it.
-Ever send men to these camps? -No. I haven't had complaints. . .
. . .about the males.
So a man can be a tough boss, not a woman?
A boss has to be able to motivate, not alienate.
You didn't answer.
HORACE: ls there a double standard? Perhaps.
I can't change that, but I can deal with it.
By dealing with it, you mean making the women become softer.
-Helping them to be liked. -By being softer?
-Well, yes. -Thank you.
I have to admit, Mr. Horace, this doesn't seem quite fair.
If we're too feminine, we get punished for that too.
What do you mean?
Oh, come on. If I were to spray myself with perfume, that might be calculating.
And if I were to flirt or come on to a man, that's inappropriate.
I know girls who like to reach over, say, to get something.
All right, Your Honor. Let the record reflect she grazed my johnson.
Sorry. There are lots of ways women use their feminine wiles at work.
Where do you draw the line between being too imperious and too feminine?
When should a woman be softer? When does she need this seminar?
From my perspective, if she is hated by everybody. . .
. . .she needs the seminar.
That seems fair.
The number to the bar is on the refrigerator.
And again, Maddie's bedtime is 9.
And if for any reason you need to. . . .
-Is she getting any of this? -No, but I am.
You know, am I being worse than Bonnie, going out every night?
-It's only two nights. -I know.
I feel guilty. I think a mom--
If it works with Victor, it'll be worth it.
Honey, it might not work out with Victor.
-I know. -We are at the very--
MARY ELLEN: Sh.
Did she. . .?
(DOORBELL RINGS]
Okay.
Good night, my love.
-Hey. -Hey.
Hi, Maddie.
You look awesome.
No, I just-- Really?
Actually, I didn't have time to get ready.
Liar!
I just got home from work. . . .
-Ready? -Ready.
She totally controlled you in there.
-The fingers in your hair. -Why didn't you object?
We went to that restaurant to get you because this is a case for the Biscuit.
-Where's the Biscuit? LIZA: "Where's the Biscuit?"
That sounds like a fun game. Can I play?
-What do you want? -What do I want?
I could be here to give you a million dollars. Who thinks that's it?
Or I could be delivering a summons and complaint.
-Can you accept service for your firm? -What?
Jerome Trouper is suing your firm for interference with marital relations.
Your people wedged a distrust between my client and his fiancée.
-You can't sue for that. -But I have. I'm driven by the merits.
Or I could be inventing ways to get into a room with you.
You're in the room with me, and you'll know I'm in that room.
-On the other case, we can settle. -Let's hear.
I'm late for my trainer. Stop by Jersey's Gym. . .
. . .tonight on your way home. We'll put the whole matter to bed.
Nine o'clock?
John? We have to get that little bitch.
Have no fear, Nelle. She is a bagel.
A bagel?
I meant to say toast.
No fear.
VONDA SINGS: ln the still of the night
I held you Held you tight
'Cause I love....
I don't know why you're glum. I dropped the demand.
It brings up an old issue. I don't believe you think I really love you.
You think our relationship is purely physical.
That's not just it, Jerome. The fact is, I love our quiet moments together.
Reading a book next to you beside an open fire, rubbing each other's feet.
I mean, while it's true that I enjoy playing hot dogs and buns. . .
. . .it's what's inside that counts.
LIZA: John!
You came. I knew you would.
If you want to get serious about a settlement--
I'm dripping wet. Let me change. Or better yet, meet me at the hot tub.
-We'll discuss it there. -I don't--
You can get trunks at reception. You'll love it.
(HUMS SOFTLY]
(HUMS LOUDLY]
VONDA SINGS: There is someone Walking behind you
Turn around
Look at me
And there is someone
To love and guide you
VICTOR: You want to leave? ALLY: Where will we go?
Motel 6. They leave the lights on.
-How about going to my place? -Maddie's there.
Oh, but see, I had a lock installed on my door.
-Well, Ally? -Yes?
I installed it.
Oh. Right. Right.
You okay?
Sure. Sure.
-It's not how I do business, youngster. -Just get in.
Hot! It's hot! A little hot!
I have three female executives who loved the Bully Broad program.
They're ready to testify. The fact that your client refused to try--
It's gender-biased. She was under no obligation to try it.
-Give me your foot. -Why?
Because you seem all stiff. I know reflexology.
(SCREAMS]
Oops.
-You tried to drown me! -Did you swallow water?
-I could Hoover it right out. -Talk chicken, or I'm gone.
-Talk chicken? -I meant to say turkey. Move along.
-Do I rattle you? -Just talk!
-You need me to drive her home? -I don't know. She got here by herself.
Mary Ellen, we're home.
Okay, see, I pay $1 5 an hour for these watchful eyes.
Hey, Mary Ellen, we're. . . .
Mary Ellen?
Victor, I have a bad feeling about Mary Ellen.
Even if you got three years' earnings, that's 532,000.
The present-day value is less.
If we settle some of it on her emotional-distress claim. . .
. . .it's tax-free. She comes out ahead, taking 350, John.
You're forgetting punies.
-Who told you? -Told me what?
That I love that word.
Some people call me little, but I like to refer to myself as puny.
There's something erotic about that word, John.
-Have you ever been called puny? -Not with good results, no.
You're taking advantage of me, aren't you?
I-l-l know what you're doing. You're doing your Lolita thing.
You're trying to rattle me as a trial attorney.
-I thought I didn't. -What?
-Rattle you. -You don't!
My johnson!
-Wasn't it great? -Meeting over.
-Four hundred. -You bit off more than you can chew.
Tease.
-How does rigor mortis set in so fast? -Maybe she died right after we left.
A heart attack?
I think she checked out during Fear Factor.
(SCREAMING]
PARAMEDIC: Careful.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
-I know that this is hard. -Can I get a kitten?
No. No. Go back up to bed. And-- No, no.
I'll be up soon.
Turn her the other way.
It doesn't look like tonight's gonna be it.
Doesn't look that way.
(GROANING]
-Ally, are you okay? -No. No, it's the third-date thing.
You know, I just want the sex to be over with.
Oh, what?
You've never seen a woman who wants the sex part over with?
Well. . . .
-You can't sue us. There's no basis-- -You broke them up.
We're lawyers. We make people hate each other. You can't hold us liable--
Look, Fishy. May I call you Fishy?
Oh, well, that. . . .
I realize that this little law firm of yours has something against love.
One of your senior partners is wigged out. . .
. . .because she can't get past first base with a plumber.
And the rest of you can't so much as get a date.
I have no problem with that.
You're each entitled to your lonely lives.
But when you wreak havoc between two innocent people. . .
. . .who do believe in love. . . . Two people like Claire and Jerome.
I'm sorry. I just. . . .
-I get a little overly sentimental. -Oh, well, it's. . . .
I'm a sap for romance.
Don't talk to her.
-And don't talk to him. -Oh. . . .
-Keep your mouth shut. -Oh!
And I'll drop the lawsuit.
-We have to be able to advise her. -You talk, you lose.
Oh, she's vicious.
To hold a law firm liable for drafting a prenup is unconstitutional.
The fact Ms. Bump didn't show up for this hearing indicates. . .
. . .she knows she has no case.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm in trial on the third floor. I'm on a break.
I didn't have time to read the pleadings.
-Is this a motion to dismiss? -Yes, this is a motion to dismiss.
Why are you suing a firm for performing services?
Oh, that. I've no problem with a lawyer drafting a prenup. . .
. . .if the client so asked for one. But here, the client--
There she is. Hi, Claire.
-Hello. LIZA: She didn't ask them, Your Honor.
They asked her. They persuaded her. They planted the seed of distrust.
I know lawyers take a happy situation and make it acrimonious.
That's how we heat our pools.
If they do that, they need to allow the other side to have a lawyer present.
They pulled him in without counsel and tried to force a prenup.
That just isn't moral.
I'm sorry. I may be young, but I know right from wrong.
Is that true, Mr. Fish? You didn't advise him to get an attorney?
-Bygones. Res lpsa. -I beg your pardon?
Sidebar, Your Honor? Quickly, because I am in trial.
We'll drop our claim if all members from Cage, Fish and McBeal. . .
. . .cease and desist. . .
. . .from dissuading Ms. Otoms from marrying my client.
-Certainly a prenup-- -Ms. Otoms doesn't want it.
All that's needed here is to enjoin the evildoers. . .
. . .from engaging in their pugnacious dissuasion.
-That's fair. -Wait a second.
-Agreed. -The case will be dismissed.
You're gagged from talking her out of it.
Thank you, Your Honor.
-No one will consider a move? -Not to this firm.
-What about Todd Merrick? -It didn't work.
-Three possible sitters in good health. -Good. Good.
Hi.
-Thought it didn't work out. -It didn't.
Can we talk for a sec?
Why were you in the bar?
My therapist says that the inner me is. . . .
-How do I put this? -A dick?
Actually, yes. That's the word he used.
Half of me wants to bury this side, while the other half. . .
. . .seeks to out myself as a way of purging my. . .
. . .dick-edness.
Which part feels the need to be liked at the end of the day?
Why are you here?
A certain kind of woman can expose me for my dick-ed self.
Before you get any further with this guy. . .
. . .you're paralyzed to go further with. . . .
-I'm here to ask you out. -What did you say?
-You heard. I asked you out. -Why?
I like to fight. I love neurosis.
I see you as someone I can live miserably with.
-In a good way. You push my buttons. -I don't wanna be near your buttons.
-Why did you send a signal? -I didn't.
You know when you're most dishonest?
The idea that this stalemate's due to practical concerns for your daughter.
You're not practical. Never will be.
I never said anything about being practical.
-Did too! -Did not.
-We are done. -Look--
No, no. I will not look.
Bye.
Sure. Look at her run. Girl!
You're gonna need to learn to ignore whatever I say last.
When first suggested, I scoffed.
-You scoffed? -Yes.
The idea of a Bully Broad camp to soften me?
-Did you have trouble with employees? -Yes, I thought it was discrimination.
When a man is tough, he's a leader. With a woman? A bitch.
-But nevertheless, you did go? -I did.
-And much to my shock, I loved it. -Why?
It made me realize, I was in a man's world, trying to be like a man.
Why should I be like a man?
Who's to say a woman can't succeed being like a woman?
-Did the program help? -Very much.
I was better able to relate to my employees and productivity went up.
Even so, to be required to attend a seminar, didn't you object?
Executives are sent to seminars all the time.
As time commitment goes, this was puny.
I'm sorry.
Did you say "puny"?
-Are you okay? Can I help? -No, damn it!
Objection. She did that on purpose.
She got me to snap at her. . .
. . .so she could stand there looking all upset over Bambi dying.
Move to. . . . Oh, just forget it.
-Ms. Bump, are you all right? FORESTER: lf I may, Your Honor?
She thinks if she cries, she won't be tough.
And lawyers are supposed to be tough. So say men.
You're a woman, dear. It's okay to show your feelings.
Oh, this is rich.
Ten-minute break.
-Why have you brought him here? -Well, we need to reconcile.
-He broke my trust. -Did no such thing.
You sued my lawyers! You went behind my back.
-Maybe this isn't right. -Maybe!
That's enough! Look, we did this. The lawyers.
-This started with us. -It's not as simple as that.
If such a minor thing like this can cause him to overreact in the way--
You wanted to add a failure clause to a wedding contract!
He's blinking!
I'm blinking at the idea of marrying you!
Perhaps I don't want to!
I'll take the bottle of champagne and christen another yacht!
Jerome? Little tip, buddy. Women don't like to be called yachts.
(KNOCKING]
Hello.
Hey.
Just came to see how you're doing.
-You okay? -Yeah.
How's Maddie?
She's surviving. She's still working me for a new kitten.
You know, Victor. . . .
Do you think there's a reason this isn't happening for us?
-You're overthinking it. -Oh.
Maybe.
My mother always used to say that when it's right. . .
. . .everything falls into place, and nothing's falling for us, Victor.
My mother said, "When it's right, trust it. . .
. . .and don't be thrown by fear or nerves. "
And don't be thrown by dead babysitters.
Maybe my mother should call your mother.
You think?
Listen, I came by to ask you to lunch.
-And then after that? -I could think of a few things.
I would be happy just to be with you. Just to maybe hold your hand.
What do you say?
Sure.
-Noon? -Okay.
See you later.
-The seminar made you a better leader? -Correct.
By teaching you to be feminine?
By teaching me to use my God-given femininity.
-Yes, Liza. -What the--?
Though I believe in God, we shouldn't exclude people on the basis of faith.
I agree. Let me rephrase. The seminar taught me to use my innate femininity.
NELLE: You mean being demure? FORESTER: Yes.
Submissive?
The willow tree can seem submissive, but actually it's quite strong.
Did the seminar teach you to cry sometimes?
It taught us to use emotion, not conceal it.
-Rather than demand, cry. -Sometimes.
Do you believe we are the weaker sex?
No. We're stronger when it comes to compassion and empathetic skills.
And using those skills--
By using those skills, you mean act weak, don't you?
I can see you're getting frustrated.
Let's examine our goals and see if we can't find a way to achieve them.
Mm.
We have to face it. The Mouseketeer is mopping the floor with us.
-I thought you people were good. NELLE: We are.
-This is the big muffin? -I'm toast!
She's toast! I'm the Biscuit! We're not beaten. I'm the Biscuit.
-What was her offer? -Four hundred.
-Let's grab it. -No!
Yes.
I want out.
-What do you mean the wedding is off? -Well--
What happened?
Lolita brought a suit against us over the prenup.
-What? -She's good. She made--
-Where is Claire? -Last seen? The unisex.
Claire?
(WHIMPERS]
Oops.
-No, I'm really okay. -Well, let's lie down on the couch.
No, no, no. I'm not gonna lie down with you. I don't even know you.
Wow.
-Is she all right? -Bonk on the head.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, Victor, this is Todd. Todd, this is Victor.
-Hi. -Hi.
So Todd creamed me on the head with the bathroom door, and--
-You okay? -I'm fine.
-Did you meet Todd? -Yeah.
We just met.
-Did not. -Did too.
Before he hit me on the head, he hit on all of me because I'm neurotic.
-Get her on the couch. ALLY: Oh, brother!
Listen to the men. "Get her on the couch. "
They all want to bed me down.
I'm awesome in bed. Did you know that?
-No, I didn't. -Excellent.
I've often wanted to wear a sign around my neck:
"You've seen me dance, now watch me fornicate. "
Don't talk.
I sniffed Victor's ass once.
There's a doctor on the second floor. She's coming up.
It's not that I still don't want to settle. It's just. . . .
-Just what? -Okay.
This is a settlement conference, so anything said here is sealed, right?
Of course.
I'm having some trouble separating my desire to serve my client. . .
. . .and my desire to serve John sexually.
And given that the trial is going in my favor. . .
. . .I'm worried how it would look if I were to settle now.
People might think I was giving you special favors.
Look, you little vixen. . .
. . .you put an offer of $400,000 on this table.
Which you rejected. It's no longer on the table.
-I'll give you two. -Two hundred?
I am done fooling around. The longer this trial goes, the worse for you.
If it keeps going, your client will have to pay us.
I'm sure you used to be good. Today? You try cases like a mariachi singer.
And you?
Love your hair.
Two hundred until the end of business. Then it goes to one.
Oh, I am going to get her.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah
Well not too long ago in 1944
When every mother's son Was goin ' off to war
-They had to lift their spirits high -High
For Uncle Sam, motherhood And apple pie
Instead of spendin ' money That they didn 't have
In hot spots in the Bronx
-They went to hear that kind ofjazz -Jazz
You hear in funky honky-tonks
-It made you wanna jump -Jump
-Shout -Shout
knock yourself out Whoa.
Hold up. Hold up.
I'm sorry, evildoer. This is a closed rehearsal.
What are you rehearsing for? I know you had a party planned. Is it still on?
I don't need two to tango. The wedding is off.
-Can I speak with you? -The judge gagged you.
From dissuading you.
-I have something positive-- -Evildoers don't say nice things.
One minute, Jerome?
Take a break, girls.
Jerome--
-She ended it. -Because--
She doesn't trust it. If she did, she wouldn't have been influenced by you.
You didn't plant the seed of distrust. You brought out doubts she harbored.
It was just as Liza Bump said, we pushed her on the prenup.
People can't be pushed in directions they don't want.
I'm not sure I agree. But even if it were so. . .
. . .I'm pushing you in a direction I think you're desperate to go.
-Thank you, doctor. -It wouldn't be a bad idea to rest.
I'll make sure she does.
I'm fine. I'm a little embarrassed, but. . . .
What do you say I take you home?
How about you and I go out tonight?
We'll find a babysitter who's young and will be alive when we get home.
-You sure you're up to it? -Mm.
Tonight.
-I canceled the interviews. -Oh. Well, I guess then I'll--
The leading candidate, however, is still here.
Who?
-Me. -Oh.
Sorry, I'm not hiring stalkers this week.
-Feeling okay? -I'm fine.
-No, I'm fine. -Good. Then can I have a minute?
Sorry again about the head whack and the hitting on all of you.
If this ship hasn't sailed. . . .
Now that I'm taking my hat out of the boyfriend ring. . .
. . .I think this would be a great place to work.
Yeah, it is, but I'm passing.
-But thank you for your interest. -At the risk of sounding immodest--
You're the best lawyer available, but I'm still passing.
-May I ask why? -Because I choose to.
If you're excluding people who are attracted to you--
-That isn't it. -It is. A good leader--
-Telling me how to lead? -You already know.
-You don't know. -You do.
-We're done. -Why are you threatened?
-I'm not. -You don't like to be challenged.
-Get out. -The get-out card.
-Do you use that in your personal life? -Out!
-I'm going. -Good! Don't come back to apologize!
I won't. Nothing to apologize for.
Oh, and, Ally?
Have a lovely, uncontested life.
Mr. Cage.
Mr. Cage?
The defendant didn't seek to make my client friendlier or nicer. No.
The goal here was to make her more feminine.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's a word for that.
Sex-jism.
(STUTTERS]
Sexism.
And this was blatant sexism.
He didn't send the aggressive men off to camp.
No, just the tough women. Because women shouldn't be tough, should they?
What message does this send to our daughters?
That if you want something, be weak. . .
. . .cry for it, act demure?
Look at this young woman. She's an intelligent, competitive litigator.
Yet she chose to offer tears in this courtroom as her best strength.
That's what the weaker sex should do, right?
Be soft so society will like you.
And that is her message, ladies and gentlemen.
Women can compete in a man's world.
They can be just as tough as men, and they have the right to be.
If society has a problem with that, then the 1 2 of you. . .
. . .need to send a message to society.
But if not for society. . .
. . .then for our daughters.
You tell the young people, like Liza Bump. . .
. . .they have the right to be strong.
They don't have to go through life weak. Less than.
This isn't about getting women to perform in a man's world.
This is about teaching women that it doesn't have to be a man's world.
So many women today are aggressive, belligerent, ruthless. . .
. . .because our culture values these masculine traits as leadership.
Why can't female traits, such as emotion, empathy, connectedness. . . .
Why can't these things be signs of good leadership?
As long as we continue to attach such value to dominance and aggression. . .
. . .we're gonna end up with a man's world, and that is sexist.
Let's place a premium on emotional intelligence. . .
. . .on the ability to mediate instead of fight.
To feel as well as think. We might not only have a woman's world. . .
. . .we might turn out better companies.
That's what was proposed to the plaintiff, but she didn't try.
She just dropped her gloves, sued and said, "Let's have a fight. "
How manly.
From what Corretta tells me, I think it needs to be you who fixes things.
-I don't know. -What do you mean?
Ally, there is something that nobody really knows about me.
-Uh, what? -Well. . . .
I'm slightly over 50.
And Jerome and l, we argue a lot.
I'm too old to fight. I just can't do it.
(BURPS]
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting the reflux again.
You know, Claire, well, the--
Claire, well, I'm certainly no expert. . .
. . .but I really believe that where there is fighting. . .
. . .there's usually passion.
Couples that don't fight, the ones. . .
. . .who don't get under each other's skin are the ones who drift apart.
I don't think I could be in a relationship. . .
. . .that wasn't a little combative.
-Do you and Victor fight? -No.
No. No, never.
Well, we're new.
-What about that other one? -The other one? There is no other one.
I mean Larry. The one who ground your heart into a fine pulp.
Yeah, well, yeah. Larry and l, we used to go at it a lot.
And you loved him.
I'm over Larry.
No, what I am trying to say, Claire, is that. . .
. . .I think that you need to go to Jerome.
I think the two of you still want to get married. You need to go to him.
Maybe so.
I wish I could look at love as clearly as you can.
Has the jury reached a verdict?
-We have, Your Honor. -What say you?
FOREPERSON: On the matter of Richardson v. Price Communications. . .
. . .we find for the plaintiff and order the defendant. . .
. . .to pay $61 0,000.
-Well, we won. -Yes, we did.
You proved your point. Congratulations.
-Thank you. Thank you, John. -My pleasure.
-John? Quite a match. -Indeed.
For what it's worth, there's always a nugget of truth in my courtroom antics.
Oh, really? And where was the nugget in all this nonsense?
I think you're hot.
-Are you attracted to Todd Merrick? -I didn't say that.
I'm just wondering if he was right.
-Right for you? -No.
If I am averse to people who challenge me.
Because I just. . . .
I don't wanna be that. That's boring, don't you think?
-Is Victor boring? -This is not about Victor.
-What is it about? -If Todd Merrick is right.
-For you. -No.
Okay. Look, Ally, this is what I know. Victor is amazing.
-He's sexy, he's smart. -Complete opposite of me.
-And Todd is just like you. -I didn't say that.
You haven't slept with Victor. You're hardly in a serious relationship yet.
Is there a reason you can't see other people?
We haven't discussed that.
Are you sure Victor isn't seeing other women?
I'm not positive.
Why don't you go out once with Todd? ls that so terrible?
I don't want to blow Victor.
(SIRENS WAILING]
Have. Have. I don't want to blow what I have with Victor.
And what, exactly, do you have with Victor?
It's just that. . . . It would destroy Maddie if--
Is that the issue?
Ally, nothing against plumbers, but you've always dated lawyers.
There's probably a reason.
You likely have more in common with Todd. And for some reason. . .
. . .you can't stop thinking about him.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you still wanna get married.
Maybe I do.
Or maybe I'm just showing you what you'll be missing.
If that were the case, you'd be in your negligee.
Even if you were ready for that, there's the rest of the world to think of.
Jerome, why are you in the bar. . .
. . .practicing songs for our reception if the wedding is off?
I like to sing. It helps me deal with my emotions.
Tell me what this is about. It can't be about my doubts. I don't have any.
It must be about your doubts. What are you afraid of?
I guess that it won't last.
Isn't every couple afraid of that? Shouldn't every couple be?
I guess, going in with doubts, it's thrown me.
-Jerome, I love you with all my heart. -And I love you.
Then let's get married.
How about this? Let's get engaged.
Let's have a celebrated engagement.
We can plan a big wedding. We can get married in June.
In June, all my buds come into season.
-Do you think we'll really work? -Of course I do.
But we won't know until we take the step.
June it is.
So this wedding is canceled but still on?
Pushed to June.
They're having their engagement party at the bar.
-Maybe we could stop by. -Fine.
-Or not. -Whatever.
What?
-You just go with the flow, don't you? -I try to. Why?
Well, I mean, do you really think that we're that much alike?
What's going on?
-Nothing. -You're starting to act nervous again.
I'm trying to get to know you better.
-We don't know much about each other. -Well, here I am. Ask.
-Well, are you seeing anybody else? -Am I seeing anybody else?
When people repeat the question, it's to buy time to find an answer.
The answer's no.
-I'm not seeing anyone else. -Great.
It's not like I would be upset, because we're not exactly exclusive.
And when people date, it's because, you know, they date.
-Are you seeing anyone else? -No.
No, no, no, no! No!
No, no, no, no.
If I were to, how would you feel about that?
-Do you want to see somebody else? -Well, no. No.
If you want to, do it. What do you want me to say?
-You could put up a fight. -I don't see the reason.
I know you don't fight. I'm used to combative relationships.
I don't think I could be with somebody who just bends with the wind.
Couples communicate better when they fight.
Fighting brings out the truth, exposes feelings, and you don't fight.
Everything with you is just fine.
We're going to make love, and we don't. . .
. . .because of the dead babysitter, and you're fine about it.
You're just, "Que será, que será. " I am not a "que será" kind of woman.
What?
You know what, Ally? Maybe you're right.
See? I tell you that we are wrong for each other. . .
. . .and you tell me I'm right. What kind of answer is that?
What do you want me to do? Tip the table and walk out?
-Would you feel better? -That would be something.
I'll give you part of that.
Goodbye.
Taxi!
-How dare you walk out. -You're a wacko.
Because I think a relationship should be a little contentious?
-You start fights just to have them. -I didn't.
What's your problem? You're only happy if you're miserable.
-You're a bigot! -A bigot?
-Against wackos. -I'm done!
You wanna date somebody else, do it.
-You don't need to justify it. -There you go making everything simple.
There you go refusing to let it be simple.
No, no, no. You're not going anywhere.
Get in the car! We'll fight on the way home! 1 41 2 Dalton Lane. Fast!
-Taxi! -Hey, stop, stop, stop!
Hey, you come back here, you chicken! You coward! Come back here! Hey!
Taxi!
CABDRIVER: Are you crazy? -Yes! Yes, I'm crazy!
TODD: Hello.
-Still no answer? -No. He won't pick up. He's a baby.
Ally, I would never dare to pick another fight. . .
. . .but it seems like you sabotaged this thing.
I didn't.
I've only heard your version, yet I'm taking his side.
-What? -You enjoy fighting, don't you?
-I am a lawyer. -Yeah.
That's the thing about Victor, he goes with it.
-Bastard. -Bastard.
-What did you say? -I said bastard. It was a joke.
What?
It's just, sometimes you remind me of my old boyfriend.
-Yeah, I love it when I do that. -Well, that's what it is.
What what is?
You just stirred up memories about Larry. . .
. . .and so Victor, whatever he is, is not Larry.
Big love, this Larry?
Yeah.
It's possible Victor was the rebound relationship, the setup guy for me.
Good night, Todd.
So no sex for me either?
Oh, no. No, no. I. . . . Sitter.
Hi.
Don't tell me you're going back to the band.
I made a commitment, youngster. That means something.
You'll perhaps realize that once you turn 5 feet tall.
Again with the short jokes.
Why are you here?
Well, you're a legend.
And I just want to say, it was an honor. . .
. . .to finally go up against your johnson.
You just don't drop it, do you?
Why are you going back there? I saw you during closing.
You love it.
Liza, there's a whole other world outside of that courtroom.
I would encourage you to sample it.
It's a pretty big office to just walk away from.
I'll be back.
Actually. . .
. . .I'm looking to sublet.
Sorry?
My office. Ever think about joining a law firm?
Me? I don't like people.
Well, that's a lie, isn't it?
You're good, Liza. It's not like me to invite another lawyer into my void.
If I were to even consider coming here, it would only be to learn from you.
And if you're not even gonna be here. . . .
I said I'd be back, didn't l?
What are you doing here?
You have bad luck with babysitters. This one had appendicitis.
Maddie couldn't get through to you, so she called me.
Well, is she asleep?
Yeah.
I'll send you my bill.
The reason Maddie couldn't reach me is because I was trying to call you.
Listen, I know that I haven't talked very much about Larry, other than. . . .
You loved him.
Yeah.
Yeah, the thing about him is that he was neurotic like me.
I mean, maybe not as much, but he was certainly. . . .
We really got each other.
Our fears kind of coincided, and our dreams just. . . .
He sounds great.
He is.
And this guy that I met-- Well, you met him too. Todd Merrick.
The one who was hitting on you.
Well, he kind of reminded me a little of Larry. . .
. . .and it triggered some things that. . . .
Well, there are things about you that just aren't like that.
And I went out with Todd, and we had a beer. . .
. . .and things became really clear to me.
You're not Larry, and you're never gonna be.
-That all just kicked in? -No, that I already knew.
What finally kicked in is that I don't want Larry.
I don't wanna be with a man who's like me.
I wanna be with a man who can give me something I can't attain alone.
I want to share differences.
I want you.
And that's what kicked in.
I don't know. I don't know if we're meant to last. I don't know anything. . .
. . .except that right now, as I'm standing here, I want you.
I'm tempted to agree with you, but I'm afraid I'll set you off.
Given the time and the opportunity, I can pretty much screw up anything.
I don't want to screw this up.
I know I stand in line Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance I know that there's a chance
You won 't be leaving with me
-In the end, love wins out, doesn't it? -Makes me cream.
I heard John offered Lolita a job.
-What? -Rumor has it.
-Oh, my God! -Is she as good as they say?
Better.
I never said that.
CLAIRE & JEROME: I can see it ln your eyes that you despise
The same old lies You heard the night before
FEMALE SINGER: And though it's just A line to you for me it's true
And never felt so right before
I practice every day To fiind some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
Then I think I'll wait Until the evening gets late
And I'm alone with you
MALE & FEMALE SINGERS: The time is right Your perfume fiills my head
The stars get red And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid
Like "I love you"
I love you
I'm so glad that's over.
Me too.
-Now we can go back to being normal. -Finally.
Tell me the truth.
Were you as nervous as I was?
-Truthfully? -Mm-hm.
No.
You're a jerk.
So, what do we do? Do we just go to sleep?
What about Maddie? What if she finds me here in the morning?
Mm-hm.
Speaking of which, I'd better collect our clothes, in case she gets up.
Ally? Wait a minute.
That was really nice.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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