Can I help you?
-Who are you? -Nancy Sosha, real estate broker.
-This house is for sale? -It just went into probate.
Do you have an offer sheet?
-Don't you wanna know how much? -Oh, okay. How much?
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
Blowing in the Wind
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home
Baby
ELAINE: You bought it? -The offer was accepted, 1 5-day escrow.
-Full asking? -I didn't want to lose it.
-In today's market-- -It's in probate.
-It's always been the house l-- MAN: Hi.
-I'm looking for Ally McBeal. -I'm Ally McBeal.
Oh, hello, I'm Michael Walker. . .
. . .and I am in need of representation.
Okay.
-Come on into my office. -Thank you.
Had we met, I'm sure it would have been an honor.
All I did was go to sleep, and when I woke up. . . .
I can help, but I don't want anyone to know.
-Promise you won't tell anybody either. -Why not?
Just because.
A chiropractor? No. Corretta, they're all quacks.
Not this one. He's different.
-Different how? -Just different.
-You're not giving me much information. -This man will fix your neck.
And that's all I'll tell you.
-Your wife went to a lot of trouble. -Yeah, she's tenacious.
She convinced a district attorney to charge you with criminal fraud.
-Do you know why she did that? -Well, she's pretty angry.
Why might she think you defrauded her?
Yeah, I ran out of money.
-I'm sorry? -I used to buy gifts. . .
. . .which she loved, of course, but then we ran out of money.
It's as simple as that. We were in the kitchen one night and--
Hit the road, Jack And don 't you come back
No more no more No more no more
Hit the road, Jack And don 't you come back no more
-She sang it? -No, no, she said it.
Probably.
Every time she speaks, it sounds like a song to me.
I must say that it's a little odd that you speak of her with such affection.
-Yeah, I love her. -But she's trying to put you into jail.
I think if I can solve the money problem, everything will be okay.
-Very tight. First time? -What?
-With a chiropractor? -Oh, yes.
Your back muscles are very tight.
-Is this center accredited? -Yes, it's accredited.
-Please tell me you've never been sued. -Only once.
Fence dispute with a neighbor.
-I won. How's the neck now? -It's okay.
It's. . .
. . .good.
-It's a miracle. -Not quite.
Right this way.
Right up here.
-Can you lean forward? -Okay, this makes me a little nervous.
It'll just take a second.
I'm just getting the knot at the base of your neck out. Try to relax.
Oh, gee, gee, gee.
-Well, what do you think? -It's a dump.
Richard, just, you know, just use your imagination.
-I am. Otherwise it's a condemned dump. -With painting and furnished--
That's a furnished dump. This place is a--
You know, you just wait till I get done with it.
What do you mean, you get done with it?
-Yeah, I'm going to do the work myself. -Very funny.
No, I'm serious.
Basically, it's stripping, painting and a little board here. . .
. . .and I can do it.
Can I help?
Wait, but-- I'm sorry?
I've always wanted to strip and paint and do stuff like that.
Growing up, my father never even let me touch his hammer.
Can l?
Well, l. . . .
-I guess, yeah. -That's great.
-Okay, not now. -No?
-Richard, I have to go to court. -Yeah.
All right.
When you married your husband, did you discuss. . .
. . .an arrangement in regards to income?
Yes, we agreed to both work.
It was supposed to be a partnership.
Was this arrangement you both agreed upon fulfilled?
No, he spent money faster than it came in.
I spoke to him, and he kept doing it.
-In fact, things actually got worse. -How so?
We were living beyond our means.
He spent everything we had.
Don Juan, your money's gone
And when your money's gone Yeah, your baby's gone
I had to take a job as a photographer, and he spent that as well.
Soon, he was forging my name on bank loans.
Are you all right?
He put us into such debt, eventually we even lost our house.
I woke up broke because of him.
-What did he spend the money on? -Flowers, jewelry--
I'll rephrase. Who did he spend the money on?
-Me. -You? Oh, he spent the money on you.
Presenting me with the gift of bankruptcy.
Mrs. Walker, did you ever return the gifts?
-No. -In fact, you loved getting them.
The best things in life are free
But you can save it For the birds and the bees
-Just give me money -That's what I want
Just give me money
I didn't come as a patient. I want to hire you as an expert.
-An expert? -Yeah.
-On what? -Well, I believe my client is ill.
Or at least. . .
. . .not right.
And this woman, his ex-wife, she got him arrested. . .
. . .and when she talks, he only hears a song.
And I would like to make the argument that his actions are not voluntary.
-Do you think you could help me? -I'd have to talk with him first.
Listen to his testimony. His cross is up first thing tomorrow.
(CLEARS THROAT]
You've seen Ted.
Which is why we need to talk.
-You're not feeling better? -No, I feel fine, thank you.
When you go to. . .
. . .Ted, does he ever put you in this massage chair?
And when you're in the chair, does Ted. . .
. . .ever lean into you and push his chin into your neck?
Mm-hm.
And when he does that, I mean, have you ever. . .?
How does he do that?
-It's not Ted. -It isn't?
It's the chair.
The chair.
(POUNDING]
Ally?
Oh, Elaine, you scared me.
-This is it? -Yeah.
-Yeah, isn't it great? -Are you going to fix this up yourself?
Richard's helping.
What, you don't like it? I know you have an imagination.
It's just. . . .
Buying a house, that's something two people usually do.
Elaine, they do sell houses to single people.
I realize that. It's just such a commitment.
Is there a reason why you seem so sad?
No, I'm thrilled for you.
-I just hope this doesn't mean. . . . -What?
That you're committed to living alone.
Elaine, I bought this house because I love this house.
Great.
Like I said, I'm thrilled for you.
Do you think you could get some paint on the wall?
Say that to Jackson Pollock.
-That's probably how he got started. -Can I say something?
Sure.
Is it wise to do the work before you close?
-The bank assured me the house is mine. -Excellent, let me then ask you this.
I realize every endeavor you undertake. . .
. . .it's about getting a man because without one, you're. . .
. . .an empty hole, which I respect. The thing is. . .
. . .owning your own home will drive men away. . .
. . .because the best ones are providers. It's nature's way.
The man provides while the woman welcomes his seed into her egg.
What is there for the man to provide if you've already got a house?
-There's the query. -Why can't you take this seriously?
Well, it's a bit rash. Have you even thought about furnishing it?
You don't just paint it and move in.
-The first thing to get is a coat rack. -Before a satellite dish?
Something to hang my coat on. . .
. . .so when I walk in, hang up my coat, I know I'm home.
Won't this place look beautiful with a coat rack?
That'll be perfect.
Perfect, that's all it needs.
How would you describe your feelings for your wife now?
I still love her. More than life.
And yet, by buying her all of these things. . .
. . .you put her in financial hardship.
It was never my intent. I just--
To see her smile when she would open a box to see a diamond bracelet.
You are so beautiful
To me
Michael?
-Are you with me? -Yeah.
Where. . .?
The look in her eye when she would smell gardenias. I just--
I wanted to keep giving her things.
I guess I couldn't stop.
-Well, can you help? -Yes, he's compulsive.
Were his actions involuntary?
Not insanity involuntary. I can say he lacks intent to commit a crime.
That's perfect.
Well, we have some time. Do you want to see the house?
-Isn't it fabulous? -Oh, it is. It's you, Allison.
It's beautiful but neglected.
-It's sad but-- -Don't psychoanalyze it.
-Look at it for what it is. -It's a dump.
It is not.
Robert Kennedy said, "People look at things the way they are and say, 'Why?'
I see things the way they never were and say, 'Why not?' "
He would have hated this place. Why'd you buy it?
The problem with you is, you're a man.
All you see is peeling paint, cracked floors and fights with contractors. . . .
What do you see?
I see beauty.
Yeah, I see in front of me beauty in its raw, naked form. . .
. . .and I want to make mad love to it.
I see a carpenter.
What?
Oh, my. Hi.
Where did you come from? Real, right?
-Real. -The bank sent me.
They want me to bring the place up to code.
I guess I'll be working in your basement.
Oh.
Okay.
I was talking about the house. I want to make love to the house.
I'm a--
An edifice-sexual.
I'm trying to help. Trust your therapist.
-I'll just be a day or two. -Great.
-Hey, Jen. -Glenn. Hi.
-Whoa, whoa, what's wrong? -Nothing.
-Why is your face red? -Red?
The only time I've seen it that red is when you have--
I gotta get to work.
You went back.
-Excuse me? -To the chair. You went back.
-Well, l, my neck was-- -Be very careful, Jenny.
-That chair can ruin relationships. -What? Don't be ridiculous.
I got back problems. I thought from stress, because I wasn't with anybody.
Then I figured out I got back problems, because I wasn't with anybody.
Be very careful.
There's no question. Mr. Walker suffers from an impulse disorder.
-What does that mean? -Well, he feels a need to give.
He predicates his love on his capacity to give. . .
. . .and he's become obsessed with making his wife happy.
Well, what causes that, Dr. Milter?
He's addicted to the rush he gets when he sees her happiness.
-Addicted to her happiness? -Yes, and he feeds the addiction. . .
. . .by acting in ways he knows to be harmful.
And shopping?
Classic.
-What about shopping? -Many people buy to escape.
One patient bought a house, so much did she hate her life.
She was--
(CLEARS THROAT]
Not all house buying is bad, of course.
Could we talk about Mr. Walker? Could we do that?
Mr. Walker, feeling inadequacies with himself or his relationship. . .
. . .would buy for Mrs. Walker because. . .
. . .to see her smile, he could convince himself he was pleasing her. . .
. . .that she loved him.
Again, this is typical on more minimal levels, but in this case. . .
. . .it just got out of control.
Excuse me? Excuse me, Ally?
Yeah, I think you're cutting into the wood there. It's. . . .
A lot of people buy houses, not because it's a fix for unhappiness.
-It's because they want a house. -I believe in houses.
Well, thank you.
If people didn't have homes, where would they put their stuff?
Is that what a house is to you? Somewhere to put stuff?
It's American. A house makes you work hard to get money. . .
. . .so you can afford better stuff, expensive stuff.
Rich fabric dripping from curtain rods, countertops. It's life.
That's why I'm proud of you here. Look around.
You're officially a have person.
Life is full.
I am not a have person, Richard, and I will never be a have person.
Yeah, well, all right.
Excuse me. It's gonna take longer than I thought.
I could come back later if that's okay?
-Okay. -Thanks.
-Did he come with the house? Because-- -Oh! Richard.
It's a bargain.
-Look, what's going on, Jen? -What do you mean?
Are you. . .?
-Are you having an affair? -What?
Me? Glenn. God! No.
I don't know how to exactly say this. . .
. . .but your face gets red when you have an or--
I'm not suspicious, but something is going on.
Okay.
I'm not having an affair. . .
. . .but this chiropractor, he has a chair that vibrates. . .
. . .and, for whatever reason, it makes me have. . . .
A chair?
-I never revealed information. -You testified about me.
-I didn't say your name. -So?
You're talking about a client, who was buying a house.
-I wasn't talking about you. -Why do you think I'm unhappy?
-You whine. -I can't just buy a house?
It has to be some emotional problem?
If the wind hadn't been blowing, you'd still be a renter.
Men can't be romantic about wind unless they break it.
Vulgarity. You chose that rat hole because it was in ruins. . .
. . .a project you can rebuild as you remake yourself.
-Give me your hand. -Why don't you just choose a finger?
A gust blew off your hat in front of a house. You purchased it.
-This isn't how grownups act. -I never wanted to be one.
You committed the most symbolic act of being grown-up, next to marriage.
You bought a house. You are clinically messed up, Allison.
-The house works, right? -It depends on the purpose.
Oh, now, don't you start. Okay, please?
The house works.
Your plumbing's old.
-I beg your pardon? -It's gonna need work.
-Well, are you a plumber? -I do a little bit of everything.
I bought a house years ago. Rebuilt it, and then I sold the place.
-Why? -I don't know.
I guess it didn't represent who I was.
-Which is? -A work in progress.
My therapist thinks that I see myself in this house.
-You know, a total fixer-upper. -But not a teardown.
No, not a teardown.
Well, the electricity's good.
I don't deny that he's ill or something.
Then why prosecute?
Miss McBeal, he may be compulsive, but he did steal.
-He took my money. -To buy things for you.
You do know he's still in love with you?
Yes.
He hears you sing.
Like I said, I know he's got some deficit.
He has the ability to control it, and he won't.
My doctor says he may not have control.
It's out of my hands.
The district attorney is gonna keep prosecuting. . .
. . .with my blessing or not.
Can I ask you. . .?
Do you still love your husband?
No. I did once, yes, and it had nothing to do with the gifts.
Do I now?
-Richard, you're pressing too hard. -What?
-You're pressing too hard! -Stop criticizing me!
Richard, I am not criticizing you. Richard, l--
Yes, you are!
Too much. Not enough. Now I'm pressing too hard.
If I wanted to be micromanaged, I'd ask for sex.
I'm trying to get it right. I am going to be living here. This is my home!
-What? -Oh, wow. Richard?
Richard, it's hitting me. This is my home.
Do you have buyer's remorse? I mean, any?
-No. -You know, Ally. . .
. . .no matter how low I set the bar of common sense, you slither under it.
-Thank you. -Why did you buy this house? Really?
Well, my therapist thinks that I see this house. . .
. . .as something that needs to be worked on forever. . .
. . .because that's the way I see myself.
Do you think that's true?
I bought it because it's beautiful. . .
. . .and it's something I can commit to.
Yeah.
And I also, I admit, find some joy in the fact that I was able to buy it. . .
. . .you know, with money I made, you know, that I earned.
I didn't need a husband to take that step, and I didn't need his income.
I did it. All me.
I get pleasure from that. Nobody is gonna be able to take that joy from me.
Nobody can.
Or should.
-A work crew? -Well, this house is important to her.
She was hallucinating a boy with skates.
How long will this firm be held hostage by that woman?
Bitch!
RICHARD: Yeah. You know what, Nelle?
People in this firm, we rally around one another.
The appliances will arrive tomorrow. They can be installed.
-Why can't we hire professionals? -She wants this to be a labor of love.
-Oh, make me vomit my intestines. -Witch!
We're gonna do it. Tonight, we're going shopping.
-Shopping? -For what?
A coat rack. For some reason, home is a coat rack. Yeah.
Well. . . .
-Victor, hey. -Good news, bad news?
Oh, no. All right, I'll take the bad news first.
Your plumbing's shot.
Good news?
I'm not speaking as your gynecologist.
Plumbing humor.
-How bad is it? -Pipes are corroded.
They're gonna have to be replaced.
-Well, can you do it? -I can. . .
. . .but the house passes inspection. The bank's not gonna pay for it.
-I have to hire you? -You have to hire me.
Well, are you married?
Bonded?
I'm bonded.
Okay. Okay, you're hired, Victor.
Great.
-You forbid me to see a chair? -Yes.
-That's ridiculous. -It's not ridiculous.
-You have a problem. -What?
-You're jealous of a chair! -I'm upset you've become a chair slut.
-Get out. -You better not go back.
I will see what furniture I want.
I catch you with so much as an ottoman, we're done.
You are a dolt.
He has a problem, but is he a criminal? That is the question to ask.
-Is Michael Walker a criminal? -No.
Objection.
Members of the jury, do not talk to the attorneys.
He suffers from an impulse control disorder.
He did what he did to affirm a love.
All he could think about was short-term happiness, her happiness.
So he gave her things.
And, like Mrs. Walker said. . .
. . .what woman doesn't like to get things from her husband?
Hm?
You know, couples go forward. You buy a house, and you accumulate stuff.
And the husband, his role is to be the main accumulator.
Well, he. . . .
He lost his way. . .
. . .and he went a little too far.
You can say that he should pay restitution and that he was wrong. . .
. . .but we can't really say that he's a criminal.
-Can we? -No.
And the only reason that we are here today is because the gifts. . .
. . .they stopped coming.
We are here because he falsified bank documents. He bankrupted her.
Is it better that he acted out of love than hatred?
Yes.
He, nevertheless, committed knowing violations of the law.
That is how you define a criminal, not, "Is he nice?"
No doubt he is.
The question, the only question:
Did he break the law?
The answer to that is yes.
-It's cheating. -You can't cheat with furniture.
-Not true. -I loved Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
-The movie. JENNY: Let's just paint.
-Jenny, you're in a relationship. -Come on, that's silly.
Why am I even talking? Nelle's gonna finish my sentences.
-You're gonna gang up-- -What's going on?
I don't want to talk about it.
The women are running to the chiropractor for sex.
Why are you threatened? It's a chair.
-You're having sex with a chair? -Never mind!
-Corretta is a season ticket holder. -Bite me.
-Take the chair to dinner. -I can eat lobster while in it.
-Can I come? -Every time.
RICHARD: Hold on, women shouldn't enjoy sex. Period.
If God wanted that, they'd have penises.
The idea that we could satisfy ourselves without you. . .
. . .it's all just a little too threatening, isn't it?
-It isn't that. -It is.
Men need to be givers. Our independence emasculates you.
Ally's client can't live without giving to a woman.
-What a pathetic gender. -You and the chair would be a match.
-You're afraid that chair is better. -I'm afraid of the chair?
How would you ever know that?
(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey! Come on, now! We got a lot to do here if we're gonna surprise Ally.
Come on, team, brushes up.
Ally thinks, metaphorically, that this house is her.
Let's slop some paint on.
I got a little slop for--
JUDGE: Have you reached a verdict? -We have, Your Honor.
What say you?
"In the matter of Commonwealth v. Walker. . .
. . .on the charges of larceny. . .
. . .we find the defendant, Michael Walker, not guilty. "
Adjourned. We thank the jury. The defendant is free to go.
-Thank you so much, Miss McBeal. -I think you deserved to lose. . .
. . .and you probably got off because you have a big heart.
But don't go celebrate by buying her a gift.
-I know. -Okay.
I got a new job. If I don't buy things--?
-It's too late. -If I promise to get help?
I made myself clear.
Don 't you come home No more no more
Don 't you come home no more
Hit the road, Jack And don 't you come back
No more no more No more no more
Hit the road, Jack And don 't you come back no more
You're overreacting.
The only question to ask about sex, Glenn, "Is it good for you?"
Listen to the man.
Don 't care if you do 'Cause it's understood
You ain 't got no money Youjust ain 't no good
Imagine being jealous of a chair? It didn't recline.
Well, is it, you know, really that good?
Yeah.
If we're dancing, we're on our own.
-Let's go. -No, you guys go. I'm gonna. . . .
-I have a date. -Really?
-With anybody I know? -Yeah, me.
-You? -Mm-hm.
-And don 't you come back no more -What you say?
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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