(VONDA SINGS "YOU WERE ON MY MIND")
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Just a minute!
I kissed him. Raymond.
I welcomed his fat, horny tongue all the way back to my esophagus.
-I'm a total slut. -Jenny--
Oh, God, Ally. I don't want to end up with Raymond Milbury.
Am I in a crisis? This could be a really bad sign.
I want love and everything, but. . .
. . .it's possible I might be attracted to the guys who are wrong.
The wrong ones can't hurt you. It's the right ones.
They're the killers.
VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road
I Want Love
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light To fiind my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
-You're angry. I didn't plan it. -I'm not. Raymond. I'm not.
When you use my name, you're mad. You can hit me.
-We did the double date once. -That was a sham. This was a real kiss.
-Don't need to hear about it. Raymond. -Mad. See? Hit me.
-Do you like her, really? -I do.
Then I'm okay with it. As long as it isn't just for a thrill ride.
It wouldn't be that. I promise.
E-ticket? Hit me.
-I'm late for a staff meeting. -What about you and the thin mint?
She's not inclined to date somebody she doesn't see a real future in.
-That bitch. -Later.
-Frances? -Glenn. I'm looking for Jenny.
-Next office down. How are you? -I'm fine.
-You look fabulous. -So do you. I mean, you know.
-Mom? -Sweetheart.
-Who's dead? -No one's dead.
-Why are you here? -Can't a mother come see her daughter?
-Who's dead? -No one. But something has come up.
-Don't you look at her. -What?
-Can we just go somewhere private? -Come on.
-Who's that? -That's her mother.
That's Jenny's mother?
Fired? You said they were making you managing partner.
-I was. Instead, I was invited to leave. -Why?
-They don't like the man I'm with. -What?
They feel, to be managing partner, your significant other's part of the equation.
So, this man, he's significant?
That's the other part of the bombshell.
I'm getting married.
Well, that's amazing.
-You're not pleased. -Is this what you came to tell me?
I came to hire this firm. This place specializes in sexual harassment law.
-I want to sue my former employers. -Oh.
I'm told you have this amazing little dwarf here called The Croissant.
-The Biscuit. And he's full-size. -Would he represent me?
-I'm sure he would, but he's missing. -How do you mean, "He's missing"?
Ally's handled a lot of sexual harassment.
Well, the thing is, the trial starts tomorrow.
What?
I fired my last lawyer. The judge isn't going to give me another continuance.
-Would you do it? -Well. . . .
I'm sure Glenn will second-chair.
Jenny, can I steal you a second?
Listen. . . .
-That kiss the other night? -I know, just forget it.
-Well, that isn't easy for me to do. -Raymond, you're Glenn's best friend.
I understand. Which is an obstacle. But--
I'll just say this. I'm not great at being genuine, since--
-You've never tried it? -Great. Make it more difficult.
You want to go out?
I do. Up close, you're really cute.
And I like you.
-Can I think about it? -Of course.
If the answer's "no," would you object to me dating your mother?
-She's getting married, Raymond. -That's great. One obstacle removed.
Some days I think It's all a dream
The places that I've been
This life of mine
Seemed surreal at times
Wasted days and nights ln someone else's mind
Oh God, they've got a new singer here? I can't keep up.
-You don't know who that is? -Why? Should l?
-That's Elton John. -What's he doing here?
He's getting ready to tour or something. He's trying out material.
Well, can we get him to turn it down?
Come on Robert Johnson Though we're worlds apart
You and I know what it's like With the devil in our heart
-She's getting married? -That's what Jenny said.
I have to have that woman. You catch the wattle on her?
She's got supple creases at the nape. Maybe I can lure her into John's hole.
Tell me, what do you think of me and Jenny?
Hard to tell. Could be 'cause I don't care.
How can I get to the mother? There's gotta be a way.
You sold your soul at the crossroads kept a little of mine on hand
I'm wading out this muddy water Been stranded in the wasteland
Elton John is in the bar, and we're stuck up here preparing for trial.
-I heard Sting was there last year. -Yeah. He sang with my boyfriend.
-Your boyfriend sang with Sting? -I sang with Barry Manilow.
-What happened to him? -He's on VH1 , Where Are They Now?
-Not Barry. Your boyfriend. -Oh, broke up. Next.
-Are these the pleadings? -Was there a next?
-Sorry? -You said "next. " Was there a next?
No, that was just an expression.
I've been in between relationships for, you know, ever.
-I had a dream about you last night. -I was there. Remember?
What?
Kidding. Did you?
We were in a lake, and you wanted to water-ski. . .
. . .but you refused to grab the rope.
What does that mean?
It means she wants to ski, but she's afraid to grab the rope.
-Where's my mother? -She's not here yet.
-Are you ready? -Well, on one day's notice.
The case is pretty straightforward, so we should be okay.
Oh, God, there they are.
Come on, let's go meet my new stepdad.
Here they are.
Tim, my daughter, Jenny. Jenny, Ally, Glenn, Tim Boyle, my fiancé.
-Very pleased to meet you. -Hello.
-Hello.
First of all, you need to calm down. Second, we cannot lose on purpose.
She deserves to lose. He's 22. He's a sex toy.
What, I'm supposed to call him "Dad"? It's gross.
It's only about sex. About welcoming his little thing into the canal. . .
. . .where I took my first breath of life. . .
. . .which, when I did take it, he wasn't even alive.
Jenny.
-I want you to lose the case. -Wouldn't that be unethical?
He's a kid, Mom. Why are you with him, for God's sake?
At your age, I looked for everything in a man. Now, I compartmentalize.
-Oh, please. -Excuse me.
-We really need to get to court. -I don't want you winning.
-Can I ask you something? -Uh-huh.
This seems like a very sexually charged office place.
-Isn't it great? -You might think so, but--
But what?
-I'm not getting any. -Neither am l.
Do you think that's appropriate talk?
We're in a bathroom.
-Are you getting any? -Please.
All I have to do is snap my finger.
My mistake.
-Hello. -Hello.
Ms. Shaw? Richard Fish. It's nice to meet you.
I feel I already know you, if Jenny is any indication.
She's wonderful.
It's obvious whoever raised her had to have a marvelous set of hangers.
Values. Bygones. I'd like to share with you, if I could, something. . . .
Actually, would you mind stepping in here?
It's a private thought.
Right, yeah.
-Won't take just a second. -You dragged me into a stall.
You cannot marry that person without hearing what I have to offer.
Money. There, you've heard it.
I don't mean to suggest love can be bought--
-Where am l? -You're in my hole, Frances.
Time is of the essence. Let me just tell you--
-Can I stop you? -Please.
You've bitten off more than you can chew here.
You'd be surprised. I've chewed a lot.
Think you could so much as kiss me without ending up a puddle on the floor?
I don't really turn to liquid. If anything, I become more--
I did that not to convey any interest. . .
. . .but maybe to confirm you've bitten off more than you can chew.
We're in the business of getting people to give us their money.
It is imperative that they trust our judgment.
Hers is undermined by her dating a 20-year-old.
-Do they have to know her private life? -We work the cocktail circuit.
Business comes from socializing, parties where spouses attend.
Customers wouldn't be comfortable with her dating a younger man?
Of course not.
How about a 50-year-old man and a 22-year-old woman?
I'd question his judgment as well.
-Tell me what you know about Tim Boyle. -Very little.
So it's possible he's an intelligent and mature young man?
I'm sure it's possible.
Your asking Ms. Shaw to leave is based solely on Mr. Boyle's age?
When a 50-year-old woman is with a kid, it looks bad.
And perception is part of our business. That's a reality.
-How old are you, Mr. Rohrer? -63.
Well, uh--
Tell me, if a woman like me were to find you attractive, powerful. . .
. . .even sexy, and a woman like me wanted to date you. . .
. . .and you went to one of your parties with a woman like me, and--
Are you suggesting you should lose your job for it?
-No, but-- -But what?
You're in your 40s.
Thank you, Mr. Rohrer. Nothing further.
It actually dulled it. Their wax made the color duller than before.
It's subtle, but on a sunny day the deficit is detectable.
I am an automobile aficionado.
I have waxed many vehicles. Their product is defective.
-You have a lot of cars? -I do.
-Why not drive this one on cloudy days? -That's not really the point.
Mr. Pax, I have a problem.
This is a TV show in addition to a court.
Our cases need to be interesting or people won't watch.
Here I have a boring little man with a boring little case about defective wax.
-What kind of ratings will I get? -Their product left my automobile dull.
If the car fits, drive it.
Judgment for the defendant. That's a cut.
Get me water.
-I wasn't comfortable with it. -Why?
It was a gut feeling, I admit, but when you're about to plunk down $6 million. . .
. . .you want somebody who projects stability, caution, conservatism.
Especially in today's volatile market.
Is it your testimony, sir, your decision not to invest with Braxton/Moses. . .
. . .was predicated on Ms. Shaw being with a 20-year-old?
-In part, yes. -Did you know this boy?
No. I probably wasn't being fair. But my gut told me, and still does. . .
. . .a woman who runs around with a kid. . .
. . .probably tilts toward fun-loving, perhaps impulsive, even radical.
I love those qualities in a person. I'd want to date her.
But to entrust her with managing my money, that's different.
Thank you, sir.
-Anything to cross him on? -He sounded pretty reasonable.
-We shouldn't let him repeat it. -I agree.
But it's not wise to let him go uncontested either.
No.
-And I was caught. -Sounds like you caught him.
I could not move.
I was just looking into his eyes, and I think that. . . .
-I need mental help. -That's why you're here.
Since the world changed in September, I read everybody's having sex.
First dates. Boom. Friends calling friends. Boom, boom!
There's this new attitude and it's "Why live for tomorrow? Why not now?"
-Do you know what I'm saying? -You want some boom-boom.
No. No!
I'm saying that I live for tomorrow. My whole world is about the future.
And with this whole new prospect that there might not be a tomorrow--
-You want boom-boom with Glenn. -Could you take me seriously?
It's very hard to do. I know you.
Your world hasn't changed one bit. You want what you've always wanted.
-Which is? -Love. In this case, older, younger.
It's opened up the same Pandora's box.
Is it possible. . .
. . .you could find love with the boy?
-Hey, Nelle. -How's it going?
What's the catch?
Nothing. We're having a girls' night out, and we thought you might want to join.
-Maybe Ling too. -Please.
-Is that a "no"? -You want to meet men.
Men are drawn to beautiful women. You want to use me for bait. Ling too.
-What time? -8:00 at the bar.
-Fine. -Great.
You need to testify why you're drawn to Tim, to establish it isn't frivolous.
-And if it is frivolous? -Frances, if you come off reasonably--
-So, what happened? -So far, I think we're winning.
-Hooray for justice. -Grow up.
-Me grow up? -All right.
How? Find a guy who plays Pop Warner? Maybe you could fix me up.
-I raised you to be silly, not rude. -Did I hurt your feelings?
-Maybe Mom will nurse you later. -All right. Cut it out.
Can I ask you one question? Assuming you do speak.
Why are you with a 50-year-old woman?
You're cute. You couldn't find a younger model?
I can excite younger women, but I can't fulfill them.
Younger women want a man to complete their lives, to provide contentment.
The older woman finds this herself and shares it with her partner.
The older woman seeks what she lacks in a partner, not what she has in common.
The older woman appreciates that the touch of a hand can be as intimate. . .
. . .if not more so, than sex.
Did I mention he graduated from Yale?
-No. Why didn't you? -It doesn't matter.
Even if he bags groceries, he's the one I choose to be with.
-You see yourself with him forever? -I see myself with him now.
Then go with it. If it feels right today, go for it.
Better I should run, 'cause it might not be right tomorrow?
That's another thing I don't like about younger women.
They tend to run scared.
Frances. One second.
Listen. I enjoyed the kiss, by the way.
And I'm not usually big on samplers.
-I've got to go to court. -I know. I just wanted to say:
If you change your mind I'm the fiirst in line
-What? -I'm still free
-Take a chance on me, if you need me-- -ABBA.
-Sorry? -You're reciting an ABBA song.
-Did you not think I'd know that? -All right.
-I'm desperate, okay? -I can see that.
Look, I couldjust laugh I suppose, but I cry
-Because your love has passed me by -The Guess Who.
Late for court, Richard.
Women with wattle, they know all the old songs. Bugger.
What are you doing in my office?
I'm sorry.
I just needed a place to escape. I thought you were out.
What's wrong?
-Nothing. -Oh, come on, Glenn.
Men like you don't suddenly become pensive. Something's wrong.
Is it the whitener in your toothpaste?
That's what's wrong. Women just see me as this GQ-model pretty boy.
That's my problem.
I see. And what you're really about is world peace.
You don't know who or what I am.
Neither does Ally, does she?
Look, Glenn.
You seem nice. But here's a tip: Women lose interest in Ken dolls. . .
. . .around the time they toss their Barbies.
Mess yourself up. Sprout a pimple. Anything to reveal a hint of character.
Ally goes for damaged goods. She's damaged goods.
Now, run along. Go make yourself interesting.
In the meantime, stay out of my office.
Your Calvin Klein cologne kills my plants.
-They couldn't play. -Not true.
-The ceremony was ruined. -All professional musicians.
-Chalk on a blackboard in D minor. -The wedding was ruined?
-Totally. The music was so distracting. -Not true.
-Do you have a recording? -No.
-Then how can I rule? -I'm telling you, they were lousy.
I could tell people you're ugly, but how do they know I'm telling the truth?
-Are you saying I'm unattractive? -I can't take your word, or yours.
Get these musicians in here. I'll listen for myself. That's a cut.
Water. I need smarter contestants.
-Let's take a look at logic. -Why?
The defense wants its brokers to cast the impression of being logical.
-In their love life? ls love logical? -Yes.
-As flawed as that perception is. . . . -Objection! Who's testifying?
-Who's asking the questions? -I am.
-Which means I provide the answers. -Assuming, with love, there are answers.
Objection!
-Can we look at logic? -Certainly.
Since marriage has a 50/50 chance of success--
-Any marriage is a leap of faith. -Your Honor, I don't like the rhythm.
There should be questions and answers. They can't play off each other.
I'm in the next courtroom over. My chambers is on this side.
-We're in session here. -Get over it.
I'm a judge, I shouldn't have to walk around.
Ms. Shaw, don't you see the defendant's point of view?
Your being with a young kid, the perception alone. . .?
The perception needs adjustment. The institution of marriage is in ruins.
Half the people who wed divorce because they cling to time-honored illusions:
That people should have everything in common and should be the same age.
It's one thing to admire tradition, it's another to cling to it.
Especially where logic is your stated goal. I love Tim Boyle.
Am I being silly? lf so, I wouldn't be the first fool.
And there are other fools out there. Bigger fools. Maybe some even here.
-Ally? -Hm?
-You okay? -Sure, why? How's my hair?
It's fine.
You know, Elaine, you know me.
Do you ever think of me as. . .?
-Well, you know. -A fool?
-How did you know I was gonna say that? -Because I know you.
Well, I think that. . . .
I can't be sure, but I think that my client just called me a fool in court.
Look, it's obvious. You'd like to date Glenn. . .
. . .but you feel, for some reason, he's not right for you.
-He's too young. Plus-- -Ally, you're young. 32 is young.
One. 31 .
The only way that 32. . .
. . .or one, is old would be in relative terms.
-What do you mean? -I mean. . .
. . .31 seems old for someone who's only had two serious relationships.
In her whole life, two.
Whatever you're doing, your romantic triage system is too discriminating.
I have a pretty good idea when somebody's not right for me.
With all due respect, no, you don't.
You're clueless. You thought Larry was right.
And if you still think the Larrys of this world are right. . .
. . .I maintain, you're clueless.
Hey.
Glenn.
-Ready to close? -Yeah, all set.
-It's a funny case, huh? -Yeah.
-All right, what? -What?
You're on one of your fishing expeditions again.
I keep thinking Frances is speaking to us sometimes. You, actually.
Me? And what is she saying?
Something like, "The real fools are the ones. . .
. . .who are too practical for their own happiness. "
-I thought this dance was over. -It isn't. We're still dancing.
-You may be. -But you want to.
Your gut told you that?
Jenny's gut. I've never known it to be wrong.
Funny how Jenny's name keeps coming up when you and I are alone.
Funny how we keep ending up alone.
-Listen-- -I'm asking you out.
If you're not interested, fine. But don't say no out of maturity.
(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING OFF-KEY]
-See? That right there is hokey. -A harp is romantic, you rock.
All right, quiet!
-Are you ready to play? -Almost.
If she wouldn't interrupt. Which is what she did that day.
I was the bride. Forgive me. He called me a rock then too.
Hurry up and play.
Nobody said, "You can't love who you want to love. "
What was said to her, and what remains true:
"The brokerage business is about gaining trust. "
The customer looks for someone who will safeguard his assets.
Call me crazy, but a 50-year-old woman who trots around with boys. . .
. . .runs the risk of seeming impulsive, if not a little wild.
That image is not commensurate with the one my client wants to project.
You heard Mr. Fernwall and other potential customers who testified.
They were afraid to trust her.
And you heard Mr. Fernwall admit it wasn't fair.
There's no evidence Ms. Shaw didn't do her job well.
They say they're not telling her who she can love.
They just fire her for making the wrong choice. Call me crazy. . .
. . .but if you truly love somebody, then how can it be a wrong choice?
(MUSIC PLAYS]
Love is the grandest of choices.
In Guess Who 's Coming to Dinner, Spencer Tracy didn't want. . .
. . .his daughter to marry Sidney Poitier because of the color barrier.
Until he realized the power of their feelings.
And he said, "If what they feel is a fraction. . .
. . .of what I felt and still feel for Christina. . . "
That was Katharine Hepburn, by the way.
" . . .then the only thing more foolish than their getting married would be. . .
. . .if they didn't get married. "
I don't really know Timothy Boyle.
But I do know something about relationships.
If Mr. Boyle is kind, if he makes her laugh, if she's attracted to him. . .
. . .then why shouldn't she be with him? So what that he's younger?
Is that a reason to--?
(MUSIC STOPS]
Ms. McBeal?
Yes, yes. You know, even when love comes along. . .
. . .there's no guarantee that he-- It is going to stay forever.
-Ms. McBeal, are you all right? -Yes, I'm fine. I just--
(BAND BEGINS PLAYING "SHOUT"]
-Throw my hands back -Shout!
Say you want love
Shout!
-Shout! -Hey
Hey
-Hey -Hey
-Shout!
Unusual summation, but the jury seemed to embrace it.
I did.
JENNY: Mom.
Jenny. Have you been crying?
You know, Guess Who 's Coming to Dinner.
It always got you.
Listen, if you love this boy--
-He actually is a man. -Yeah.
If you love him, I'm happy for you.
-Really? -Yeah.
I mean, it might be a little hard to call him "Dad" . . .
. . .but I'd love to be your maid of honor.
Whatever the jury finds, it seems that I've won.
JUDGE: You've reached a verdict? -We have, Your Honor.
-What say you? -We find in favor of the plaintiff. . .
. . .and order the defendant to write a blank check.
You can't order that.
In the alternative, we order the defendant to pay $620,000.
Members of the jury, this concludes your service. We're adjourned.
It's getting late Have you seen my mates?
It's 7:00 And I wanna rock
Wanna get a bellyful of beer
My old man 's drunker Than a barrelful of monkeys
My sister looks cute ln her braces and boots
A handful ofgrease in her hair
-Look at her. Hall-of-fame wattle. -It's killing you.
-You'd think she'd want a mature man. -You'd be a cinch then.
Maybe if I go dance near her, she'll pick up my scent.
I can pick it up from where I sit.
Gonna set this dance alight
Saturday night's all right All right, all right
Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday
Saturday Saturday Saturday night's all right
-You left Elton John. -I'm gonna go back down.
-You? -About to, yeah.
So congratulations. You tried a great case.
Thank you.
So. . . .
You never answered my question.
Technically, I did ask you out. And, technically, you never answered.
You know, the fact that I'm a little older and perhaps wiser about--
-Just because you're older you-- -And I'm a woman.
-Women are smarter about love? -Always.
Okay, then. Give me your wisdom.
If we were to go out, either of two things could happen:
It wouldn't work out and that would be awkward because we work together. . .
. . .or it would work and that would be a disaster.
Why?
Did you ever consider that we'd start spending the night together?
Never occurred to me, but the danger would be. . .?
-It could get serious. -And then?
-We could fall in love. -And then?
-And I'd get crushed. -Why?
Because that's what happens.
So it's all about fear?
No.
No, no. I'm not afraid, I'm just. . . .
I'm practical.
I made a promise to myself that when I die. . .
. . .it'll be written on my tombstone, "She was practical. "
Got it.
-I'll see you downstairs then. -See you down there.
A man like me ls dead in places
Don 't feel nothing ljust feel cold
What's going on?
You just leave without saying goodbye?
I'm confused.
Actually, that's exactly what I came to say to you.
Well, I guess confusion is a start.
Maybe it is.
So. . . .
Good night, cute boy.
-Can I walk you home? -No, thanks. I'm just gonna--
Good night.
-I can't leave without it. -Oh, am I the one holding on?
Didn't change my life. But it wasn't terrible, I admit that.
-Sure you don't want me to walk you? -I'm sure. Thanks.
Good night.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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