All of the lonely nights Waiting for you to come
Longing to hold you tight
I need you so desperately Waiting for you to come
Bringing your love to me
But I wait a million years Walk a million miles
Cry a million tears
I swim the deepest sea Climb the highest hill
Just to have you near me
-Remember being young? Having fun? -No.
Don't you all have a massive deposition tomorrow on your class-action suit?
It's your big witness. Your case depends on her testimony.
-Hot. -Don't you have a huge day tomorrow?
-Yes. So? -You think opposing counsel is out?
-What are you celebrating? -I don't know, Dad. That it's nighttime?
Hey, guys.
-I'm drinking that. -Don't you know you can die from cigars?
Jenny. How you doing? Ever see those old, wrinkled people on the street?
Maybe if they'd smoked, they never would have become old.
After the case is over, you wanna date? Look at Glenn. What a clown.
Wow. Who is she? Hey, you're cute. Married?
-What? -Wait a second.
You asked me out, and you're hitting on someone else before I even answer?
-What do you want, exclusive? -No. See, I don't even wanna date you.
-You do too. -Oh, shut up.
Who is this man?
Guys can tell when girls are interested. I can tell you like me.
How can you tell that I like you?
-Jenny told me. -Shut up!
-Who is this man? -I do not like him.
-You do. -Shut up.
Raymond, you ready for the big depo?
I've studied up more for urine tests.
-Ally and I are gonna go out. -We are not.
-Who is this man? ALLY: I'm not dating you.
Who is she?
Married?
-What, you were still gonna drink it? -No, I'm gonna pour it--
No, don't do that. He'd only enjoy it.
-Ignore him. -I've moved on to Dairy Queen here.
-I love fake blonds. I'm artificial. -Who is this man?
-I saw that. -What?
-You were looking. You like him. -Oh, Jenny!
-You wanna sleep with him. -I do not wanna sleep with Glenn!
I've been down this road
Judge Ling
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home
Baby
The whole bar heard it. "I do not wanna sleep with Glenn. "
-I couldn't have yelled it louder if-- -If it were true?
It is true. I don't wanna sleep with Glenn.
Allison, give me your tapered hand.
There's a song that once spoke to me. I surely thought it spoke to Freud. . .
. . .but it was, in fact, composed after his lifetime. It went:
Yummy, yummy, yummy I've got love in my tummy
And the message of the song, specifically to me?
You say you don't want Glenn in a carnal way.
But part of you wants that little gumdrop stuck in your teeth.
The truth screams to me, Allison.
-It doesn't concern you? -Why should it?
They bring in these young lawyers. . . . It's more frat house than law firm.
Ow!
-They're not weapons. -I'm sorry.
I so prefer the deaf to the blind.
Ow!
-What is this, Run lnto Ling Day? -I'm sorry, I was looking at my twins.
Yes, and aren't those the two most beautiful babies ever?
Thank you.
I see a lot of babies, but those just take my breath away.
Yes.
Makes you just want to quit the law and breed. Ling Woo, birth mother.
First up. . . . Where is everybody? It's past 9:00. John, isn't it past 9?
-What am l, your timekeeper? -You all right?
-My life is loveless. Move along. -I hope we're not too late.
-We'd hate to miss a single second. -The room feels hostile.
Are you ready for the deposition?
-I am. -Who's second chair? Ally or Glenn?
-Did I hear my name? -We like to start on time, youngster.
-What's that you're eating? -A hamburger. You want a bite?
It's 9: 1 5. Yeah, my stomach just growls for a Whopper.
If you knew the time, why didn't you just tell me?
Let's all take a deep breath and say, "We're gonna be in a good mood. "
Love her.
-When I grow up, I wanna be you. -The deposition. Are you all ready?
-Why is this deposition so important? -If we don't show damages. . .
. . .we'll lose at summary judgment. The named plaintiff has to make the showing.
Why are you looking at Glenn?
-What? -Am I missing something?
I wonder if I'm missing something when my second and third chairs. . .
. . .Iook at each other behind my back. Did I lay out the stakes correctly?
You laid them out fine. Could we get together after the staff meeting?
Ling, you've been summoned by the Chief Justice of the Superior Court.
-If it's jury duty, tell them I'm dead. -He said 1 0:00, dead or alive.
-Wanna put it to a vote? -Are we adjourned?
-Fine. Yeah. -Fine. Jenny.
-I've disappointed you. -Listen. . . .
Stop telling me who I'm attracted to.
-That's just girl talk. -It feels more accusatory. . .
. . .especially when it involves your ex-boyfriend.
And I don't like you telling me how, when I meet a man, I check my breasts.
-No, I do that. You check your outfit. -Jenny.
-Sorry. -I really enjoy our new friendship.
I look forward to girl-talk sessions about drapes, clothes, guys. . .
. . .the important things in life. But this Tourette's-ian blurting. . .
. . . "You like him! " I'm not comfortable with that.
I'm so sorry. I never meant--
-Three days and I already bug you. -You don't bug me.
-Okay, this bugs me. -See?
-Okay, Jenny. -Sorry.
We just have to learn each other's rhythms and we'll be fine.
Right.
Okay. So, sorry again.
By the way, you strike me as the most honest person I've ever met.
Thank you. I like to think of myself as honest.
So it surprises me when you say you're not attracted to Glenn. . .
. . .because I know you are.
-I think he's cute. -Really cute.
Really cute. But I have no designs, okay?
I don't wanna go out with him, so you don't have to worry.
-I'm not. I think it would be great. -You would?
Jenny.
Ally, it would be an adjustment for me, but I would be okay with it.
In fact, he's the best man I know, and you might be the best woman, so. . .
. . .it could be perfect.
-I'm not gonna date him, okay? -Okay.
This better be good.
How old are you?
You encountered a woman on the street and complimented her on her children.
So what, she filed a complaint? I was reaching out to someone less fortunate.
That woman is the governor. She's offering you a judgeship.
-What? -Evidently you imp--
-Thank you. -She wants to make me a judge?
Yes.
-A real one? -Yes, if you. . .
-. . .want it. -When?
They'd swear you in today. You could start tomorrow.
-Do I have to know the law? -Not really. You'd have clerks.
Judge Ling. I like it.
(KNOCKING]
-What happened to the big deposition? -It's in 20 minutes.
These kids, do you think they're good lawyers?
Jenny was good in court. I haven't really checked Glenn out yet.
-Good-looking youngster. -Glenn?
Yeah.
All right, carry on.
John?
The other day, you said friends can be lovers and lovers can be friends. . .
. . .and maybe it was in the cards for me. What did you mean by that?
I don't know. Why?
You and I have always had this connection. Would you agree?
And you've always had this intuition about my life.
Well. . . .
Yeah, I do.
I was wondering if you had an intuition that something was in the cards for me.
Well. . . .
John, we both know what's going on here.
-We do? -You think I'm about to meet someone. . .
. . .or that I'm gonna become lovers with somebody who's my friend.
Well, perhaps.
John, you know what? You're not merely my friend, are you?
No.
You're more like my big brother.
Yeah.
Carry on.
-Jenny, where's the client? -Maybe her flight was delayed.
You haven't prepped her for this depo?
I prepped her by phone. She's been at her summer house.
Well, she better get here or--
-What, are we late? -No, we're just running a little. . .
-. . .Iate. -This is where you work?
Lot of talent here, Simon. Got your soft serve, your thin mint.
Hey! Hey!
He likes to rattle women by playing the Neanderthal card. Don't bite.
I'm fine, Glenn. I'm not easily intimidated.
Why don't you just wait in the conference room?
-Hello. I'm looking for Jenny Shaw. -That's me.
Hello. I'm Claire Otoms.
Hello, little Jenny, you're lovely.
You sounded thicker on the telephone, but you're lovely and slim.
-You're almost exquisite. -Thank you.
Claire, this is Glenn Foy, Ally McBeal.
-Claire Otoms, our named plaintiff. -You're all so young.
I adore the young. They say that youth is wasted on the young.
-I don't agree. -This is the named plaintiff?
-Are you a lawyer? -I am.
Well, I hope you're on my side. Jenny, isn't he strapping?
Excuse us for one second. Jenny?
-This is the named plaintiff? -I guess.
-You've never met her before? -I was the named plaintiff, but. . .
. . .I couldn't be the named plaintiff and lead attorney. I moved her up.
Our case hinges on that?
Hello. When do we start our depositions?
I guess, now.
I have the draft of. . . .
-Shall I leave it? -Desk.
Okay then.
When you get a break, can I talk to you?
-I'm free. -What were you doing?
Isometrics. Increases the blood flow. It's an anti-aging technique.
-It's not important. -Okay.
John.
I know it's none of my business, but you referred to your life as "Ioveless. "
-Would you like to meet somebody? -Who?
I don't have anybody specific in mind.
I don't like to admit this, though I'm not ashamed of it. . . .
I paid for law school by doing men makeovers.
-Men makeovers? -Yes.
-You think I need a makeover? -Maybe a touch, here and there.
What sort of touch?
-Do you remember when we first met? -Yes, what of it?
Well, I don't. First impressions count for so much. And you don't make one.
-We need to change that. -I'm not gonna have a makeover.
-Okay. I just thought I'd offer. -Men don't get makeovers.
Again, I just thought I'd offer. The draft is on your desk.
That's fine.
All right. Got it.
It's a dreadful annoyance. I come home and the telephone nearly assaults me.
I've turned the ringer up, because my hearing is. . . . My hearing is wonderful!
But the ringer should be loud so the help can hear it.
It's a terrible thing, trying to relax in the comfort of your own home. . .
. . .and have your telephone leap at you.
-I've lost track of the question. -Is this a joke, Glenn?
Not a joke.
-Where do you live, Miss Otoms? -I live in Winchester.
I live in a colonial home. I love the word "colonial. " Don't you?
Do you know it reminds me of frankfurters?
Did you know that frankfurters are made of intestines?
It wouldn't bother me, except I enjoy them. They're wonderful.
Sometimes I get these long-distance solicitations during supper.
I've got a good mind to use that as a deterrent: "Please call back. . .
. . .I'm busy. I'm dining off the intestines of a cow. "
-I'm not falling for this. -Not a joke.
Where do you live, Ally? Do you live in a colonial home?
Look at the way those clothes hang off her. She's lovely.
They won't let you wear purple.
I won't ask. I'm just gonna take the bench and look stunning.
-Hold still, please. -No.
With all due respect, do you really think being a judge is your niche?
-How hard is it? You just form opinions. -Yes, but are you gonna like it?
-You're supposed to be fair. -Oh, please. Stop it!
We live in a litigious society, everyone running off to court. It's stupid.
It's up to the judge to make them feel stupid. Stop it!
I can do that.
Everything is sweet
Ooh, you're so tender I must surrender
My love is your love Now and forever
You're the one that I long to kiss
Baby, you're the one That I really miss
-It wasn't a disaster. -They'll give that transcript to the judge.
Well, at least he won't see her. Ally, tell him it's not a disaster.
-It was a disaster. -Why?
The judge will decide the fate of this case on the basis of that deposition.
I am totally with Glenn.
On his assessment.
I explained to Claire the importance of this deposition.
Tomorrow, she's going to be more persuasive, less grand. . .
-. . .and, ultimately, winning. -So tomorrow we go in and do better.
Yeah, it's as simple as that.
Now let's just go drink and not panic.
Love her.
-A makeover? -What, am I not attractive anymore?
-You have money, so you're handsome. -Last year, I was irresistible.
-Women just loved me. -Of course they did.
But you consider the women. . . . Kimmy needed her mother to chaperone.
Melanie barked during sex. Only freakish women are drawn to me.
That's not true, John. You're just being sensitive.
Hello. Is this seat taken?
Don't you love the band? They're gorgeous, aren't they?
I know Jenny has stressed this, but I want you to hear it from me.
It's all right, dear. You're lovely. You are lovely.
I need you to limit your testimony to the calls from the phone company.
Those wretched calls in the middle of my supper, Ally. . . .
Exactly.
(ELEVATOR DINGS]
Talking of which, Glenn, I see you share my love of intestines.
-Please, this is my breakfast. -I sometimes grab one quite early.
-Just a quickie. ALLY: Claire!
(JENNY GROANS]
-Oh, my God. He went to court. -Who?
-Raymond moved for a hearing. -What are you talking about?
He argued that the court should witness the demeanor of the plaintiff.
So we have to finish our deposition in court.
-Judge Walsh will see her? -Yes.
RICHARD: She's already sworn in? -Last night.
-I keep thinking it's a trick. -On mankind.
-All rise, the honorable Judge Woo. -Never mind. Who's first?
BAILIFF: Case number 3-2-6. -Boring. I want the TV-station one.
-Pamela Whoop? -"Whoop. " The W is silent.
When you say it, maybe. You're suing a station for a bad weather forecast?
I planned an outdoor birthday party for over 200 people.
-The forecast was sunny and clear. -This is New England.
-I understand that, and I realize-- -You lose. Next case.
BAILIFF: Case number 3-2-4-4-8. Stevenson versus Forester.
-This is the broken engagement? -Yes. She refuses to return the ring--
-You were engaged how long? -Six weeks.
-She slept with you during this time? -Yes.
She keeps the ring. Next.
STEVENSON: It cost 6,000 dollars. -Look at her, look at you.
-Next. BAILIFF: 3-6-6-4-7. . . .
-Hey, Elaine. -Hi, John.
I was just thinking, remember the first time you and I actually met?
No.
-Hello. -Hello.
Uh. . . .
I'm not sure I want a makeover, but I have a friend who is curious.
I don't give it to people I don't know. So I'll show you. . .
-. . .and you can show your friend. -Okay.
The first is clothes, which is easy.
Hair and face I don't touch, except for the eyebrows.
-Eyebrows? -Thick eyebrows are a sign of virility.
Women are looking for mates.
Heavy eyebrows translate to higher sperm count.
-The big change is. . . . -What?
-I design body suits. -Body suits?
Very, very subtle. Biceps, triceps, pecs, glutes and shoulders.
Worn under the clothes. Nobody knows.
They have the feel and texture of muscles and body fat.
I'm sure my friend would say that's ridiculous.
Tell him to try it. If he doesn't get immediate results, he can forget it.
I, uh. . . .
-I got an idea. -What?
Your friend might not be too quick to take my word. . .
. . .but perhaps if you tried it and were convinced, you could convince him.
-Okay, that does seem logical. -I'll bring my stuff in.
-We have many other plaintiffs-- -This is the named plaintiff?
-That's a matter of court reporting. -I don't like surprises.
You're about to get one. We feel she doesn't fully represent the class.
-If she doesn't, how many others do? -Is she here?
-Yes, she's here, Your Honor. -Then call her to the stand.
-Your Honor-- -Miss Otoms?
-If you're out there, please step up. -Hello!
I'm here! lsn't this exciting? And what a historic old room this is.
Look at this paneling. It goes so well with this frock. I'm glad I wore it.
-Can I take it? -I was hoping you would.
OTOMS: I'm Claire Otoms, and I'm thrilled to meet you.
COURT OFFICER: Miss. OTOMS: What?
Isn't this exciting? It's like being on TV.
Swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but?
Do I strike you as a person capable of the whole truth?
But you will tell the truth about this case, right?
Certainly. Isn't she lovely? She's gor-- Gorgeous.
(BURPS]
Forgive me, Your Majesty, I suffer from acid reflux.
Acid reflux is a curse.
I only get it when I'm nervous. It affects my voice. It's horrible.
-Miss Otoms-- -Claire. Isn't she lovely?
Claire, you're suing the phone companies. Many of them, in fact.
-Can you tell the court why? -Because Jenny asked me to.
Didn't you, Jenny?
(OTOMS BURBS]
Did you suffer any damages as a result of this solicitation?
I most certainly did. Those wretched people called me over and over. . .
. . .disrupting my peace and quiet.
Why is it that people place no premium on quiet these days?
They don't even rake their yards. They use those wretched leaf blowers.
Buzzing around like hornets.
I live in a supposedly peaceful neighborhood, Your Honor.
-In a colonial home. -Claire. The calls.
-What calls? -From the telephone company!
-I apologize. -You didn't need to raise your voice.
-I know. I'm sorry. -I'm a vulnerable woman.
I wasn't prepared for it, that's all. You're such a little thing.
Size two? Such a booming voice. You caught me unawares.
We really need you to tell us how you think you've been damaged.
-I don't feel like talking about it. JUDGE: Ma'am.
If you don't tell us how you've been harmed, I might dismiss the case.
Hey. Hey.
-Have you lost, then? -It doesn't look good.
-And what about you and the boy? -I'm completely over the boy.
Ally, give me your hand.
-Liar. -Oh.
Ally, I know life. And I know love.
The boy is the transitional partner. . .
. . .you must navigate through to reach love's final destination.
-What are you saying? -Let yourself go.
Free fall with the transitional boy. It's true love's way.
-True love's way? -Uh-huh.
It's often a very mysterious journey.
-It wasn't your fault. -Of course it was my fault.
-I didn't even bother to meet her. -The case was a long shot.
Which means I need to pick the strongest of named plaintiffs.
-Jen. . . . -The only reason I have this job is. . .
. . .because of this big case.
When the judge dismisses it, which he's going to do. . . .
Jen. . . .
My father once told me that every time I screw up, I pop a freckle. And look.
-I don't see-- -And I miss you.
There, I said it. Is that a crime? To miss somebody you're totally over?
No. I miss you too.
Is this the most insane idea, to try to work together?
As opposed to what? As opposed to never seeing each other again?
We were doing it pretty well before.
And I still love you. And I know we're not right for each other.
I'm way past wanting to be together. But I still love you.
And if we're gonna work together, I gotta get that out there.
Okay.
We just got. . . . Sorry.
I think she likes you.
Ally?
Every time you walk in the room, she does the head thing. She looks down.
-So do you like her? -Oh, look, l. . . .
-Because I wouldn't mind. -Will you stop?
(CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me. The clerk just called.
The judge has a ruling.
See? It feels real. Under a shirt, it looks completely natural.
-Is it saline? -No, it's a gel. . .
. . .harder in the muscle areas than in the fatty.
-It's so light. -Try the glute shorts.
-I don't know. -John, your friend's gonna want glutes.
It's where a lot of women look first.
-He wouldn't want a big butt. -It won't be big.
What about the people who know me--? Him. Won't they detect the fraud?
I'd recommend that he go away to a spa for a week. . .
. . .so he can at least say that he's been pumping.
Oh!
CAGE: Oh. -Mmm. Mmm-hmm?
If he's intimate with a woman, she's going to discover the truth.
By that time, the truth doesn't matter as much.
-Why do you think we pad our bras? -Yeah. I do look pretty buff.
-Excuse me, Your Honor? -Who is this person?
I'm Todd Paradiseo, general manager of WGBD, the station that--
Yes. That case is over. This is ex parte, and I'm busy.
This will just take a second. I wanna put you on TV.
-Who doesn't? Your second is over. -I'm not kidding.
We'll start locally, but I think it would have nationwide appeal.
We do the same kind of small-claims cases. You wear your purple robe. . . .
I mean, Judge Judy makes seven figures a year.
And with the right lighting, you're cuter.
-How nationwide? -We could sell you in every market.
-We'll pay you to be a bitch. -And she's one for free.
Judge Ling, this is meant to be.
The phone companies are no doubt annoying with these pestering calls.
But to say that rises to harassment, making way for damages. . .
. . .that's ridiculous. The plaintiff's claim is dismissed.
Well--
However, likening the annoyance to the leaf blower. . .
. . .hit on what this case is about: Disrupting the quiet of one's home.
That's a claim of nuisance. The plaintiffs may re-file the suit. . .
. . .as a nuisance claim. We'll continue and set a trial date for January.
Oh!
-You did it! ALLY: I can't believe it.
Sooner or later Love is gonna get you
Sooner or later Girl, you've got to give in
Sooner or later Love is gonna let ya
Sooner or later Love is gonna win
I wouldn't expect you to be in such a good mood after losing.
I don't want this case to be over. It's a cash cow.
I forgot about the merits.
Are you and Jenny gonna be able to work together?
-Yeah, I think so. -It's not hard?
-With you two being apart? -Well, you know. . . .
It's just, when you practice law with somebody you love--
-It's best we're on opposite sides. -Hey. I don't--
Just go with it.
Just relax.
JENNY: Hello. -Well, hi. What?
Looking for love All the wrong places
Gonna get you, girl From this illusion
Gonna save your heart
-You're going away? -Yeah, to a spa. Just for a week.
-Time to get my body in shape. -For a week? What sort of shape?
All I need is a little toning. Just you wait and see.
Love is gonna win Love is gonna win
It's just a matter of time Before you make up your mind
Make up your mind It's just a question of when
RAYMOND: Why would a jury award money just because phone companies--?
GLENN: A monopolistic phone company. -Taxi!
-So it's anti-trust now? -I didn't say anti-trust. Hey!
Juries love to whack the rich and powerful.
-And I'm a better lawyer than you. -You're a better lawyer. Come on!
-Okay, rope trick. Cross the street. -You cross.
-It was my idea! -Yeah, then you cross!
-Do they always bicker like that? JENNY: But they're good friends.
-We're good friends, right? -Jenny.
I'm really not this insecure, it's just, at the moment. . . .
I almost kissed him today. Glenn.
-Really? -God. . . .
-Well, maybe you two aren't over. . . . -No. We are, trust me.
And I want it to be, it's just. . . .
(GLENN AND RAYMOND GRUNTING]
GLENN: Look, you're going down.
JENNY: Look at them. They're like little kids.
Why is it we say we're looking for mature partners. . .
. . .when we're really attracted to the bratty 2-year-olds?
(HORN HONKS]
Thanks for stopping, guy. Hey, girls. Got a cab. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go. We got a cab. We got a cab. We got a cab.
Uh, well. . . . That was. . . .
-That's okay, I live right over there. -I'm just a few streets down.
-We'll drop you. -No, I'll walk Ally. Go ahead.
-Don't even look at her. She's mine. -Get a brain.
Now don't forget that.
We'll see you tomorrow.
-Well. -Well.
I can't believe we won in court. Can you?
-No. How about it? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Well, I live right over there. -Oh.
How's it been working with Jenny so far?
-You asked me that in the bar. -I did?
-Well, did you answer? -Ally.
Oh, this is. . . . This is me. 543.
So why aren't you a couple?
If you ask me, you seem like you'd be great together.
We are great together, just not as a couple. As friends, we're inseparable.
We talk about everything. As soon as we're a couple, we fight.
We've been on and off again so many. . . .
The last time, we started not to like each other. That's when it's wrong.
Yeah. Yeah.
-Well, good night. -Good night.
Ally, l--
Oh. Um. . . .
It's a little unusual to meet someone and feel. . .
. . .I don't know. . .
. . .Iike you want to take care of her, or something.
The fact that you feel that way about Jenny. . .
-. . .I'm just really impressed. -Huh.
-Well, she's a special person. -Yeah, she is.
And for you to notice that so immediately. . .
. . .you must have something special about you too.
Well, thank you.
Anyway, thanks for looking after her.
And it's just great to know you.
-Well, likewise. -Yeah.
Um. . . .
One other thing.
Since you're helping Jenny. . . .
I. . . .
You might be confused, because of my closeness with her, that we're still. . . .
For your own clarity, you should be clear that Jenny and l. . .
. . .are definitely over as a couple.
Got it.
Good.
-Well, I'll see you at work. -See you there.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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