ALLY: It started offperfectly. I've been having a lot ofperfect days...
...and this promised to be another one. Then boom!
-I ran into myself. -Yourself?
Yes.
I didn't know it at the time, but she had that lost look.
Remind you of anybody? Then, since I mowed her over. . . .
-Is anything broken? -No, I didn't even love him anymore.
That should have been my first clue. So I asked her again how she was.
No. I'm fine.
-I just. . . . -What?
I just really miss him.
ALLY: And then she hugged me.
She just hugged me. Think of it.
I almost kill a strange woman, and then she hugs me.
-And to make things worse, she's. . . . -She's you?
Yes. She tells me she and her ex-boyfriend worked together.
-Ring any bells? -Ding-ding.
And she has this case, and her firm decided to represent the other side.
Then she got fired and now she's brokenhearted.
-Over losing her job? -No, her ex-boyfriend.
-I'm so confused. -Well, she still really loved him.
Ding-ding.
He'd rub my feet.
Every part of your body is represented by a specific point.
-Did you know that? -I read.
Well, he'd take his little finger and tickle my uterus. Isn't that cute?
(HORN HONKS]
ALLY: She was like me...
-. . .so I hired her. -You did what?
I've come to a point in my life. . .
. . .where deep down I long to be. . . .
-A mentor. -Dear God, no.
I've been down this road
Friends and Lovers
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home
Baby
Oh yeah
-Ally! They've started the meeting. -Without you?
-She said that? -Never mind, Elaine. I'll take that.
I love her so far.
Ally, tick-tock.
-This is Jenny Shaw. -I don't like her.
-I've just hired her to work here. -You did what?
-I have a good feeling about her. -You're an associate.
-We just hired Corretta. -You said we needed somebody else.
I might have continued saying it if we hadn't hired someone this morning.
Oh.
-So, unfortunately, Jenny-- -Tell Mr. Fish about your case.
Well, I was home making clam linguini for a friend. Not a lover--
-Skip ahead. -And the phone rang. It was. . .
. . .a phone company asking what service I used, and offering low rates.
Skip ahead.
And this was the fourth time this week I'd gotten such a call.
How many of you get those calls?
I sued them for harassment. They deliberately call at dinner.
I don't want to spend my free time listening to some idiot. . .
. . .tell me I can call England for 1 0 cents a minute. So I sued.
-Well, excellent-- -There's more. Tell him.
I filed a class action. . .
. . .and put out a notice for other plaintiffs.
And other people did come forward. I'm up to 72,000.
-A class action with 72,000 plaintiffs? -Yes.
-Against which phone companies? -All of them.
-All of them? -They all do it.
-It's a trade practice. -Have they answered your complaint?
They brought a 1 2b to dismiss, and I beat them.
Then the phone companies hired her firm. . .
. . .the firm dumped the plaintiffs and Jenny.
-So now she comes with 72,000 clients. -And growing.
I think I speak for everybody. . .
. . .when I say it's a privilege to have you join us.
Richard, Glenn Foy has arrived.
-Glenn. Excellent-- -Is this a trick?
-What are you doing here? -What're you doing?
-I work here. -What?
-You two know each other? -It's him.
Him. Him-- Him who?
The cute uterus-tickler?
I don't understand.
When they fired you, I quit and Richard hired me.
You quit over me?
-I didn't know you worked here. -Great. We can still work together.
Yeah. . . . Um. . . .
Oh. Okay.
A total boy. And a pretty boy at that.
I never go for pretty boys, especially young ones.
-I just thought he was cute. -I'm not clear about the problem.
-Why do you do that? -Do what?
Tilt your head like that? You go:
"I'm not clear. I'm confused. I'm not comfortable. "
It happens a lot on C-words.
I have a chronic tic disorder. Certain words trigger it.
I'm cut to the quick that you would mock me.
I'm so sorry. I had no idea--
-You still don't trust me. -Lawyers are not very trustworthy.
And that I would hire one as my therapist is just. . . .
As highly recommended as you are.
I went to a lawyer who I thought was a therapist, which he was not.
Cost me a year of my life.
-Tell me more about the cute boy. -He's wrong for me.
-Of course. Because? -For one thing. . . .
He's so GQ. Puke! And he's Jenny's ex.
And I've done the whole love-triangle thing.
What do they call people who relive their lives over and over?
-The clinical word? Pathetic. -Yes. Right.
Well, I'm not one to relive my past problems.
-I'm committed to new disasters. -Ally, give me your hand.
You said you wanted to talk about the girl.
-Jenny. -Yes.
But you keep bringing up the boy.
ALLY: Hey.
-What's wrong? -They won't release the files.
-Who? -My old firm.
They think I should be disqualified from the case. I need those files. . .
. . .to prepare for my decertification motion, should I win and stay on.
I'm not a vulgar person, but I really think they're. . .
. . .pricks.
What did you think of Glenn?
Well, he seemed nice.
He is. But I think I should find a new best friend.
-Are you available? -Oh, well, actually--
Do you have a boyfriend?
-Not at the moment. -Any close friends who are male?
I'm trying to work out whether I'm aberrant to have a male best friend.
One of my best friends is male. John Cage.
-I even love him. -John Cage? The little one.
He might not be tall, but his heart is mammoth.
-And you love him? -Totally. He gets me.
My weirdness. He loves all of my eccentricities. And I love his.
-Well, why don't you date him? -Can I help you?
Oh.
No, thank you.
(CRACKS HIS NECK]
-No chemistry? -None.
As much as I love him as a friend, there's just no heat.
I'm just not attracted to him.
What's up, buddy?
Are you okay?
Ally loves me.
-Ally? You ready? -For what?
-Court. -Court. . . .
Oh, court!
Court! Yes, court.
Yes, let's go off to court. Court. Right.
-You signed a contract. -I did not.
We had a binding oral thing.
-I pulled you off the streets. -It was a bidding war.
-It was a binding bidding. . . . -Jenny and I had a thing.
-She can go. -I don't want her to.
Why's it your say? First you're quitting, now you're in charge.
You're mixed up. This happens when you breach orally binding bidding. . . .
-I'm sorry. -Can I make a suggestion?
Give it a week. If you and Jenny can't work together, leave.
-If you can, stay. -That's smart.
-Richard! -One second, John.
It can't wait another second. I'm irreparably fraught.
He's fraught. We'll talk later.
-I promise you, we're not late. -We're not late?
-We're fine. -Jenny! Hello, dear.
Oh. This is Simon McAllister, the man who fired me.
-We had a situation. -You said I couldn't work there anymore.
One day you'll run your own firm. Then you'll appreciate the economics.
-All set, Simon? Hey, Jenny! -You're arguing?
Hey, Raymond Millbury.
-Hi. Ally McBeal. -We should go in. Nice to meet you.
You too.
-You thought he was cute. -I did not.
You gave your outfit a glance-over. I do it too when I meet a cute guy.
And my breasts, to make sure they're still there.
-Can we just go in? -You checked your outfit.
I didn't know you had these feelings for Ally.
I think they were buried, but when I heard her say she loved me. . .
. . .everything was unearthed. I'm upended.
If Ally were interested, don't you think she'd have given you a sign?
Maybe she's afraid to jeopardize the friendship or. . . .
-Well, then make the move. -Oh, what move?
Declare yourself.
It's not that easy. Ally's riddled with emotional deficits.
She can't fathom being loved by a worthy other.
So when one pursues her, he renders himself unworthy in her lake-like eyes.
I can either deny my heart and let her continue to covet me. . .
. . .or I can reveal my fancy and extinguish her desires.
I'm upended.
-"Lake-like eyes"? -Her eyes look like lakes to me.
Ponds, actually. Placid, with deceiving depth.
Never mind.
You need to get her to pursue you.
-How? -Give her hints you're accessible.
Give her the confidence to be the aggressor.
-You think so? -I do. Though the odds are--
She said it. I heard her.
Instead of going to her, you must find a way to let her know. . .
. . .she can come to you.
This seems suspicious. Your firm beats the phone companies.
-Now you defend them. -We represented one of them before.
-That posed a conflict. -It was an old antitrust matter--
One of the companies was a client. . .
. . .so we're ethically prohibited from prosecuting a claim against them.
-But why should she be disqualified? -Ms. Shaw was privy to files--
-I never saw any old files. -To avoid any improper--
Please! First you switch sides to represent the deeper pockets.
Now you use this pretext conflict argument to disqualify her.
Figuring that no other lawyer will take the time to push this uphill.
What Ms. Beal calls a pretext is the law.
This is bad faith and they should be sanctioned. And it's McBeal, okay?
-I'm not able to read their minds. -Your Honor does have common sense.
They are trying to squash Jenny Shaw. He won't even give her the files.
-If Ms. Shaw should be recused. . . . -Then I'll give them back, you dink.
Sorry, Your Honor, the dink part is inside information.
I'll let you stay on, but I think this case is a waste of time.
Suing the phone companies for soliciting business.
I'll see you both for the decertification hearing tomorrow.
Every time I see her She don 't even look my way
She's good. She's a fighter. We should try to keep her.
-What's with her and Glenn? -Well. . . .
-Stuff. -Lovers can be friends.
-And friends can be lovers. -That's true, John.
Perhaps one day, that could be in the cards for you.
-Perhaps. Thank you for that. -Indeed.
That was your move? You looked like you had gas, John.
Shh!
ALLY: Somebody's after me.
-I'm not sure who. It could be Jenny. -Lesbianically?
-No. No! -Could be the boy.
-You brought him up this time. -Ally, I was once a boy.
I didn't know therapists revealed their own secrets.
And it was an older woman who came to me and first made me. . .
. . .a man. Allison, give me your hand.
I know about life. When you do find the perfect mate, you'll marry him.
And you'll commit the rest of your days trying to change him.
Finally, 1 0, 20, 30 years hence, you'll succeed.
You'll look at him. . .
. . .having rehabilitated all his habits, his idiosyncrasies. . .
. . .and you'll bemoan: "You're not the man I married. "
-Could you hone in on a point? -Younger men are trainable.
If he's attractive and smart, take him home. Take him shopping.
Take him into your bosom. It's not the man who makes the man.
It's the woman.
-I've decided you're wrong. -About?
About how a woman should find a mate. . .
. . .who's like a pet that she can housetrain.
But we like it. We live to obey.
-That's not what I'm looking for. -Give me your hand, please.
Would you like to be able to stop thinking about Glenn?
-Yes. -All right.
What I'm about to tell you is highly confidential.
When the attraction is only sexual, the best way to extinguish it is. . .
. . .to go to yourself with him in mind.
-I beg your pardon? -It puts out the urge.
-Are you suggesting. . .? -Libido is a thirst.
Best to quench it. Doing so without him in the room. . . . Much neater.
-Do you do that? -That's not appropriate to discuss.
-You're a lewd person. -But a good therapist.
If the attraction is only sexual. . .
. . .the means for beating it, lie in your own hands.
ALLY: A woman can tell when she's being pursued.
Maybe God made another me, thinking if at fiirst you don 't succeed....
Ally. Jenny.
Raymond Millbury is in Glenn Foy's office.
Ally? One second.
Thanks.
I need you to help work it out between Glenn and Jenny.
-This affects their lives. Our lives. -How does it affect our lives?
If he stays, we get more rich, if he goes, we don't.
It's just stupid-- Sorry!
It's all right, pork chop.
-Pork chop? -It's just. . . .
I meant to say lamb chop. Damn it!
-You called me a dink. -I said it to you.
-He's got an offer. -Drop the case.
We pay the legal fees. We'll round it off to 75,000.
-All the money goes in your pocket. -That's 75,000 to you.
Plus, you don't sue us for wrongful termination.
-What's going on? -Nothing. You've got an offer.
The phone company suddenly agreed to pay her $75,000?
-The money comes from us. -And what do you get out of it?
-Three happy billion-dollar clients. -So this is a payoff?
-I wouldn't call it that. -What about bribe?
-Are you married? -What?
Raymond.
-You think he's cute! -I do not!
Jenny.
-This is free money. -But I have 72,000 clients.
Give them a dollar apiece and keep 3000.
This is the best I can do.
-This was your idea? -It doesn't matter.
I don't need you to rescue me. You are a contradiction.
First quitting out of principle, then orchestrating a bribe. . .
. . .to seem like a shining knight. Did you hope I'd go down on your lance?
Ugh, nice.
-Do you still have sex together? -Give us a second.
-You're gonna let your pride ruin this? -No deal.
They were just bickering like little children.
Because, you know, that's what they are, right?
-Right. -Why do you say it like it's wrong?
Give me your hand, please.
Ally. . . .
-Do you have aging issues? -Me?!
Why would I have issues about that?
-Can you even say the word "aging"? -Yes, I can. Aging.
One way women seek to recapture youth. . .
. . .is to see themselves through the loving eyes of a younger man.
To feel herself in his strong arms. . .
. . .or feel him inside her aging, withering--
-Don't be gross! -We must extinguish our evil urges.
So we can move on.
You need to surrender to my wisdom, Allison.
John?
Corretta. Hello.
-What are you doing? -I'm working on a new smile.
Oh. Okay.
Corretta? Could I ask you something as a woman?
-You could, but aren't you a man? -Yes. No. I meant you--
Forgive me, I dangled a modifier.
Can two people, who were once lovers. . .
. . .work at the same law firm, just as friends?
I refer, of course, to the Jenny-Glenn situation. . .
. . .of which l, as a partner, must be concerned.
Do you think it's possible that they could work as friends?
-Yes. -Excellent. And as a corollary. . .
. . .I suppose two people, who have worked together as friends. . .
-. . .could suddenly become lovers? -No, no, no.
That doesn't happen.
Oh. Oh.
-Why not? -It just doesn't happen.
Attraction is instant. It either happens, or it doesn't.
-All right, thank you. -Although. . . .
Although what?
It did happen to me once. This guy I was friends with. . .
. . .one day he just said:
"I want you, you want me, let's get on with business. "
I was so startled. I suddenly saw him in a different way.
And we did end up going out.
But that's an exception.
Thank you for your input.
-Are they both going to work here? -Who?
-Glenn and Jenny. -Oh.
Well, we'll see.
-Corretta said that? -Just say, "Let's get on with it. "
-She could be right. -It seems so sophomoric.
As opposed to smiling like you need Maalox?
-Why all of a sudden Ally? -It's always been her.
I'm just finally admitting it to myself.
But why Ally, as opposed to anybody else?
She's magic. She understands loneliness, she's afraid. . . .
-She's just magic. -Hey.
(SCREAMS]
-Did you talk to Glenn? -I cannot talk Glenn into staying.
-You don't understand. -I get it.
-But what's so special about him? -He's magic.
He understands loneliness, he's afraid. . .
. . .he's not afraid to be afraid. The man's magic.
-Would you agree, John? -Is he okay?
I think he's gone mad. No, he's fine.
THERAPIST: Go to yourself with the boy in mind.
Extinguish the urge.
(TURNS ON BARRY WHITE]
What are you looking at?
("COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYS]
You humiliated me. You used my exact words.
-She didn't know they were yours. -She had to know. You're not capable.
Let me tell you something. I'm afraid of being afraid sometimes.
-I'm deep. -You don't even have an outer core.
Do you think this is funny? Do you appreciate the risk here?
She's one of my best friends. I could lose that by making a play for her.
-So why do it? -Because I love her!
-Do you really? -Yeah.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of you.
If these are your feelings, I agree with Corretta. Be direct.
I could jeopardize our entire relationship.
You have to consider what you lose by trying, and by not trying.
I'm going to walk the plank.
Right.
-All set? Sure. -Ready. I think I should argue solo.
-Off to court? -I saw that. You checked your outfit.
-I did not! -I have to go to the girls' room.
I'll be back in a second.
Ally--
I tried to talk her into taking the offer.
That's not what I wanted to talk about.
ALLY: Oh, boy. Oh.
-Well, what do you want to talk about? -Well, um. . . .
I think that maybe I should leave. So she doesn't have to.
Ally, a second, please. It's important.
-What's going on? -Enough of this.
I want you, you want me, let's get on with business.
I don't really have time for jokes right now.
(JOHN'S NOSE WHISTLES]
-All set? -Set. . . .
JENNY: You looked down. ALLY: Did not.
Hello.
They can't demonstrate any commonality.
She's never met the plaintiffs. They just filled out questionnaires.
We allow for class actions. . .
. . .because some individual claims are too costly to prosecute.
-This is clearly such a case. -What are the damages?
-Harassment is hard to quantify. -Maybe, but what's the harm?
-Have they ever called you? -Yes. I hang up, I don't sue.
What about people who can't just slam the receiver down?
Maybe your damages are they've rendered you rude.
The phone companies have forced the plaintiffs to be rude?
This motion isn't about the merits.
No, it's about whether or not to certify 72,000 plaintiffs as a class.
I have to decide the damages. So far, I don't see any real damages.
-Okay. So let's take a step back-- -I suggest you take a step forward.
Show me the damages.
-Your Honor? -No. I can do this.
For most people, life is about trying to cope.
We work all day, and if you're lucky, you get a few minutes to sit back. . .
. . .and collect peace of mind, or have dinner with your family. . .
. . .or just enjoy some privacy. Then these people call.
They do it at dinnertime by design, over and over and over.
They don't care if they bother you, they don't value those seconds. . .
. . .that you get to maybe talk to your child, or your spouse.
You've told them six times that you're not interested. . .
. . .but they interrupt you again and again, with automated voices, even.
They ask you to push a button. It's at no cost to them.
And who cares about the cost to you?
Your time doesn't matter to them. But it does matter.
It may not be a huge deal, but let's just make them pay a dollar. . .
. . .for every time they deliberately annoy someone.
Is that too much? How about 75 cents?
They make $1 00 billion a year. How about 75 cents. . .
. . .for harassing people when they know we're tired?
-You don't have to answer the phone. -I know, but it will keep ringing.
And it will ring again and again and again!
-Turn off the ringer. -Suppose it's an emergency?
Suppose you're waiting for somebody to call. Suppose you keep waiting. . .
. . .and every time you pick it up, it's always the damn phone company.
So that's how it started. You were waiting for me to call.
Don't flatter yourself.
Jenny. You're always the one who breaks it off.
Because you're a pig and a schemer and a clown.
You're impossible to live with and be with. . . .
You're just not impossible to love.
So shall we just be smart about it and work in different law firms?
Those teenagers you date take up all your time, we'd never see each other.
Ally and a former lover worked here. They did it.
-He died, but. . . . -Then let's do it.
I did agree to an oral contract, and they don't want to lose you.
-And why is that? -You have 72,000 clients.
The ruling came back. The judge certified the class.
-He did? -Mm-hm.
He still wants to see about damages, but you've got a class action.
So. . .
. . .if you're looking for that second chair, I'm ready.
Never part
From the bottom of his heart
So why pretend This is the end?
You have to fiind out for yourself Go on ask somebody else
-So they're both going to work here? -Seems so.
Thank God.
-Richard thinks Glenn is magic. -Yes, I heard.
I'm going to make a bar run.
Do you think lovers can be friends, or vice versa?
I don't know. But I'll tell you what.
If they're lucky, they'll come to have what we have.
Yeah.
What do we have?
You know. A true platonic friendship.
Not many men and women have that kind of relationship.
A healthy relationship without the pressure of sex or anything.
Yeah. We are blessed.
We are. We are.
Cheers.
Hey, hey.
-Hi, John. -Hello.
-Where's Glenn? -He said he had some surprise.
This is for me. "Lady ls A Tramp. " That's what he used to call me.
His little tramp.
How romantic.
She gets hungry for dinner at 8
She loves the theater Doesn 't come late
She'd never bother With anyone she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp
Doesn 't like dice games With barons and earls
-You talk to Ally yet? -I decided not to.
I decided it's just a little seasonal infatuation.
-Yesterday, she was magic. -Just drop it, all right?
I don't really love her. I think it was hormones.
-What's going on? -I just don't want to go there.
I thought I did, but I don't.
No, I'm in. . . .
-Yeah. -Mm-hm.
Life without a care She's broke but it's oke
She loathes California It's cold and it's damp
That's why the lady That is why the lady
That's why lady is a tramp
Well, he is cute. And he sings, did I tell you?
-Three times. -Jenny still clearly loves him.
And you're not comfortable with that.
Why do you feel the need to protect Jenny?
-Because I used to be her. -What are you protecting her from?
I don't know. Maybe from becoming. . . .
-Who you are today? -And who am I today?
-It would only be a guess. -Take it.
Somebody who desperately wants love, but no longer believes in it.
That's a pretty offensive thing to say, not to mention hurtful.
-I'm sorry. -Can you tell me why you think that?
I tend not to say things my clients don't want to hear. Bad for business.
-I'd like to know. -All right.
You don't want to be with a man you think is capable of hurting you.
-Really? And why do you think that? -Only you know why.
I want to know why you think it.
You really want that boy.
OLD LADY: You stinker!
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