Previously on krod mandoon...
I'm ralph longshaft.
It's spelled "ralph, " pronounced "rafe."
Sorry we're late, but this thing was weighing me down.
Welcome to the council, brother.
I am about to activate the most powerful weapon in the world.
Yeah, I know. It's really impressive, isn't it?
Long live the resistance.
I don't think she's gonna be giving him much resistance.
www.1000fr.com presents
Krod Mandoon S01 EP05
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Still stinging from his breakup with aneka,
Krod was about to enter a war zone more treacherous
than any he'd faced in his blood-Soaked past:
He hessemeel singles scene.
- Oooh, it is on tonight. - Hello, girls.
Hey, the magic is in the air, fellas.
Quasto, use your indoor manners.
Sorry, I'm very itchy.
Zez has made me bung up my musk glands.
Yes, I did make him bung it up,
because the damn thing attracts a skanky class of female.
I'm gonna tell you something, quasto.
I'm not settling for nothing less than top-Shelf wenches.
That's it.
Augh, I'm so weak.
Unbung it. Unbung it.
Let the funk out; we going ugly early.
Hey.
Seriously, can we just get out of here?
Krod, why the negative head space?
Think about what all these ladies are seeing.
Arguably, the hottest man in hessemeel just walked through that door.
- Well, I-- - And you are standing right next to him.
Eventually, they're gonna notice you.
I don't know why you didn't let me manscape you.
Yeah, I do.
Maybe a little bit of guyline.
No, no, bruce, I'm good.
- I got--Please, krod. - Bruce--Hey...
- Did you see that? - Yes, game on.
Okay, you march over there.
Be fun; be flirty; Be fabulous,
but, krod, look at me.
Seriously, under no circumstances are you to mention aneka.
So i've listed aneka's pros and cons, and,
Well, let's face it, there's some serious cons,
but, you know, as crazy as it sounds,
I think the pros have it.
I mean, i just believe we belong together, you know?
I mean...
The manor guards have raided the pagan village.
They took all our women.
Oooh, no.
Somebody's shot him in his ass.
No, mm-Mm.
His onions?
No, it kind of looks like they split the difference.
Those taint-Shooting bastards.
Travel well, friend.
I swear, as long as i have blood in my veins
And the strength to grip steel, you will not have died in vain.
- Uuugh! - Uuugh!
Master, he's alive.
Put some pressure on the wound.
Um...i...medic!
- Is there a medic here? - You'd think there would be a medic.
Ooh.
Aneka, i came as soon as i heard.
Good, as long as you've... yeah.
Hey, is it just me, or was she hobbling?
Oy.
She's not hobbling. She's-- She's grief-Stricken.
Okay.
- Why would she be hobbling? - That's what i'm asking you.
I peeked in the latrine, krod.
Ralph is voluminous.
That's why she was hobbling.
Helpful.
I was born in that hut.
I mastered my weapons in this arena.
I had my first three-Way beneath that elm.
Ooh, i had mine beneath eduardo.
Who would do something like this?
Dongalor.
This raid is simply evidence of his remorseless attempt
to acquire the eye of galga gremda.
I was just thinking the same damn thing.
That's--That's weird. We got, like, a warlock mind meld going on.
The eye of what?
The eye of galga gremda was the most powerful weapon of ancient time.
Unfortunately for mankind,
Dongalor has acquired not only the eye but also the focal stone.
Friends, the gravity of this moment is incalculable.
- Ooooh, sorry about that; just slipped out that. - Quasto, no.
- Oh, my mouth was open. - Get a bit of that, eh?
This is not happening.
It's quite all right; in fact, the blame lies with me.
I fed your earthly companion cabbages at lunch, so...
Why didn't you just give him gunpowder, ralph?
If i may be allowed to continue...
Please... please continue.
All dongalor needs now is the fuel:
The tears of a full-Blooded finnic pagan woman.
Then we're safe.
Pagan women don't cry.
True, your stoic nature is our last line of defense against dongalor.
But your stoic nature may not be enough.
Dongalor will stop at nothing to acquire the tears.
ah! Ah! Yeah!
Harder...
longer...
Faster.
So nothing can make your precious pagan tears fall, eh?
Ha, we'll see about that.
They say you never lose your feel for the blade.
Well, let's find out, shall we?
Eh?
Oh, damn it!
This is a waste of time... and onions.
Come on, barnabus.
Aneka, you are one of the few Pure-Blooded pagan women remaining alive.
Sooner or later, dongalor will come for you.
Ralph, i suggest that you spirit her away for safety.
Well, or--Or-- Or if you're busy, I--I could spirit her.
No man will spirit me anywhere.
I suggest your villa, lake kamada.
You have a villa?
He's got a villa, krod.
It's a shack, really.
It's--It's somewhere i breed my horses...and paint.
You paint.
He paints, krod.
He probably paints in the nude.
Okay.
Like, now, we should ride immediately.
And, uh, we'll ride escort immediately.
No, krod, i'm afraid i have another mission for you and the dream team here.
I'm sorry; what did he call us? What did he say?
- The team of dreams. - That's good.
Good luck, and farewell, my friends.
Okay, all right, farewell.
Hey, hey, if you want, I could put a curse on his downstairs area.
I'm--I'm only saying that 'cause i got a feeling that's gonna be a busy place.
Do it.
I can't; i didn't think he was gonna say yes.
Krod, you and your men must make haste to the hessemeel mountains.
I'm sorry? What-- Did he say "hessemeel"?
No, no, no way; we're not gonna do that,
Because to get there, you've got to travel through the forest of certain death.
- Oooh. - I'm not gonna do that.
- No, no. - Fear not.
That name was just given by the local farmers
Who found they couldn't grow a certain type of herb there.
Still, people have died there.
I'm not talking about regular deaths. I'm talking about horrible, nasty deaths.
I'm not disputing that.
I'm just trying to clear up a common misconception.
It's not an argument.
Now, on the north slope of the hessemeel mountain,
you will come to the doomsday beacon,
Doomsday...
A solitary tower atop of which is a mahogany pyre.
This is the key to the stairway door.
Thanks, yeah.
You'll climb the stairs and light the pyre at exactly noon tomorrow.
Got it.
The smoke from the beacon will alert resistance leaders everywhere
And inform them that dongalor is about to activate a weapon of mass destruction.
An early warning system: that's brilliant.
No, krod, elementary, fundamental to our survival.
I was actually just trying to pay you a compliment.
- Well, try paying attention. - Oooh, snap.
- Whoa-Ho, in your face. - Got you.
Now, can i trust you with that key?
You know, i'm not a child.
Where is your sword?
- You left it on the potty. - Right.
No, but, you know, it's very difficult to go with a sword.
And the fate of the resistance rests in your hands.
I weep at the prospect.
Just give me the damn key.
You've have the damn key!
- You put it in your bag. - Right, okay, yeah.
I got it; i got it.
Ahhh!
Zez.
Yeah, what's up, krod?
- Can i have a word? - Yeah.
- Zez, we're in a magical realm here, okay? - Yeah, i know.
Yeah, as my warlock, you got to set the tone.
- Yeah. - No more screaming.
Screaming--What--
Oh, you're referring to my war cry.
- Ahhh, shoot! - Zez, it's okay; it's okay.
Okay, listen to me.
Truth be told, we're dealing with powers here that may be greater than my own, all right?
Hey, does anybody smell that?
In my defense, there was a deadly tarantula on my shoulders,
and y'all know me and spiders ain't never been right.
Okay, it was a ladybug, and it's still there.
Well, then get it off if it's on me.
- It's okay. - Knock it off!
- It's okay; it's fine. - Master, quick,
you'd better come and see this.
Wait, wait, we go as a group, krod.
- Oh. - Oh, no.
All right, that about does it for me.
So long, everybody; it's been fun.
Well, okay, guys, circle up, circle up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bruce, you're touching.
Come no closer, wenches, or i swear, i'll draw my blade.
Whip it out, krod; whip it out.
Declare yourselves.
Please, help. They tried to kill us.
- Who? - Banshees.
They set upon us and killed the men in our party.
It was horrible.
What?
Damn banshees.
That's it, lean on my chest. Take comfort in my strength.
Um, excuse me, boys, time-Out.
Quasto...
i don't believe they would touch you.
- Zez. Zez. - Yes...
Shh, don't you move.
No, no, look, hey, what's a banshee?
I don't know.
I don't like where this is going.
Yeah, because it's gonna end up with sex between men and women.
Look at that corpse.
He's a big guy, and those girls got away?
It doesn't add up.
Bruce, what is your problem, okay?
These poor, insanely hot, beautiful women need our help.
- Where's your compassion at? - Where's your common sense?
- Bruce is right. - No, no, bruce is gay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
The warrior, the warlock, and the grobble will make worthy vessels,
but the fay one seems suspicious.
I think i know something that will remove his doubts.
Hey, let's just be careful.
Todd, you escaped.
Barely.
I think i just found my compassion.
Ralph! Ralph!
Darling!
All right, guys, listen up, all right?
This is not a drill.
It is on tonight, fellas.
We are bumpin' bellies; do you hear me?
- Let's all be responsible. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does everyone have protection?
Right now, i'm kind of purifying my warlock essence with abstinence,
so i'm not really packing any sheepskin at the moment.
That's all right, i'm packing extra.
My man.
Ah, just the one.
What am i supposed to sleep in that, quasto?
Mm, so that's why they say once you go grobble,you always hobble.
Oy, right here, ooh.
Well, just put it up for now.
Don't let them see that, 'cause they gonna expect us all to have the same type of equipment.
Papa said we can't afford to keep you anymore,
Because he can barely pay for mama's coffin as it is,
And with sister sick and dying,
He's gonna have to pay for another box real soon.
Go on, boy.
Get out of here.
I said get.
I don't want you anyway, you old bag of bones, go on.
The dog and the... and the thing...
you don't understand the emotional underpinnings of the scene?
This boy loves his dog.
His father's forcing him into this.
Barnabus, have the boy's father killed.
Sir, he's just an actor.
You wrote the scene for him.
Still, that pain must come from somewhere.
Oh, toss the boy off a bridge.
Stick a pole in the dog. We'll use it as a mop.
I've met warlocks before but never one so brave and powerful.
Yeah, i'm real strong.
You know, it's real easy to get pigeonholed in my line of work.
That's why i try to blur that line between warrior and warlock.
I'm really more of a hyphenate if you ask me.
Oh, forgive my boldness, but may i kiss you?
I'm sorry.
You must think i'm a harlot.
What? I think you--Girl, you better stop it.
Kiss away.
Lest i glimpse judgment in your eyes.
Mm-Mm.
Mm!
Mm-Mm-Mm.
You're going to be a lively little devil, aren't you?
Uh...
may i kiss you?
Oh, mind my wisdom tusk.
It's abscessed.
Mm!
Mmm-Mm-Mm.
We'll call him todd jr.
Oooh.
So how about you?
Are you family oriented?
Actually, yes.
I hope to have one of my own someday...
oh.
Soon.
May i...kiss you, krod?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Wait, i--I don't know.
It just--Something just doesn't feel right.
I was only asking for a kiss.
No, i know, but, well, to be perfectly honest,
I'm just not over aneka.
I can't do it to you, mara; it wouldn't be fair.
I'm not looking for fair; kiss me.
Hey, no means no.
- You will host my child. - Your child?
Hey, i have no problem with single mothers.
I just wish you'd been honest with me instead of trying to trick me into a relationship.
And when he hatches, your carcass will be his cradle.
Kiss me.
Hatches?
Carcass?
Guys?
Careful, boys.
I think we're dealing with succubuseses...
s-S-Suckypusses.
succubi.
Guys, guys, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, what the hell's going on?
So strong.
You'll make a worthy host.
Argh!
Ahhhhh!
Arrrgh.
- Thank you. - Hey, i got your thanks right here.
Oh, stop; i'm not one of them.
Yeah, sure you're not. You just tried to tongue-Rape my face.
Because i was under their spell.
I was kidnapped.
They were using me to make devil spawn.
By killing them, you freed me.
Yeah, i'm not buying it.
Then do it.
Kill me.
For what it's worth, krod, aneka was a fool to let you go.
I know, right?
It's just she's so damn hardheaded.
Ugh, uh!
Go to hell.
- Harsh. - What?
It's where she's from.
Okay, guys, we got to go, the beacon, come on.
Master, we are knackered.
Why don't we do this tomorrow, eh?
No, we can't; it's almost noon.
Krod, a bit of sensitivity.
I just miscarried.
Krod, we won't even get there on time.
Do you even have the key?
Yeah...no, no.
Oh, god, i'm such an idiot.
This is not my fault. I was battling demons.
We're out here having babies, and you can't keep a key?
Wait, guys, guys, come with me.
Come on.
I did it!
There's your beacon lit, grimshank.
What else you got?
Yeah, come on, we did it.
What did you do?
That doesn't seem right, does it?
Hmm, hmm.
Come in.
Aneka,
Forgive the intrusion, but i have terrible news.
Krod and his men were ambushed by dongalor's guards at the doomsday beacon.
There were no survivors.
Krod is dead.
I'm sorry.
I know you loved him dearly.
I will leave you to your grieving.
Harder, longer, Faster.
Forgive the intrusion, sir.
Yes, i-I-I-- I'm just getting inside their heads...
to learn what might make their precious tears fall.
Yes, well, i come with rather good news in that regard, sir.
Krod mandoon is dead.
The tears have been procured.
Joy!
This calls for a celebration.
Shall i inform the wine steward and slaughter a fatted calf?
No, you shall leave now and tell no one of the goings-On here.
Yes, course.
Ladies, back to position one.
Harder, longer...
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
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