Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me! You like my suit?
Number one, Citizen Khan.
Assalamu alaikum, my BoobTube followers.
I'll assume you said walaikum salaam there.
Now, I know what you're thinking. We Muslims are all over the telly,
always on the news.
But it's not all bad news.
Sometimes it's good news, too.
Here's my free copy of the Sparkhill Gazette.
Lots of good Muslim stories in here.
Let's have a look. A-ha!
Mr Ali won the weekly Sudoku competition.
Oh, yeah.
Ah! The halal butchers on Stoney Lane is gonna be open 24 hours!
Oh! This is brilliant.
The Moseley Muslim Theatre group
is putting on their own version of Swan Lake.
But without the dancing.
Oh, yes. And Amjad's dad got knocked down by the number 37 bus.
Ah, poor Mr Malik.
I can't believe he's gone.
Still, I suppose a part of him will always be with us.
Is she keeping his toupee?
- Idiot! - What?
That thing had a life of its own!
It's like he was balancing a guinea pig on his head!
Have some respect for the dead.
Are you sure it's dead?
It's probably scrabbling at the coffin lid, trying to get out!
Poor Mrs Malik is suffering.
Just try and be a little bit more sensitive.
Fine, I'll be sensitive.
So, hit by a bus, eh?
It's just such a shock!
- Of course. - I can't believe he's gone!
You know, it's so kind of you to let me stay here,
especially since your house is so much smaller than mine.
Hang on. Are they my birthday truffles?
That's the last one.
- What? - I'm sorry, I found them in the kitchen.
I hid them in a tin in the top cupboard.
That's where I found them.
It's no problem. What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose so.
Would you like some of my varicose veins, too?
The worst part is, what if people think he was waiting for a bus?
I mean, we haven't used public transport for 20 years!
Right.
He just didn't see it coming.
He should have checked the timetable!
No, he was distracted.
Oh, was he on the phone?
The wind blew his hairpiece over his eyes.
Oh, dear!
I told him so many times.
"Don't go out when it's too windy," but he never listened.
I can tell you're shocked.
You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.
I had no idea.
Did you?
Oh, no!
I had no idea at all!
I mean, it looked so... lifelike!
Would you excuse us for a minute?
What?
What is wrong with you? You should be supporting Mrs Malik.
Sweetie, there aren't enough truffles in the world to support that woman.
And what about Amjad?
He needs our support, too.
I know this is a difficult time for everyone,
but I'm just trying to get on with normal life.
We Pakistanis are very good at making the best of a bad situation.
Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham?
Shazia's worried about him. She says he's very stressed.
He'll be okay.
Why don't you offer to help with the funeral arrangements?
I can't!
I've got to go and see the bank manager about my new business idea.
I need an investor.
Unbelievable!
You're worried about investors
when your son-in-law has just lost his father!
We've all got our problems, sweetie.
Look, I got high heating bills, my back's still playing up,
and next-door's cat keeps pooping in our patio!
Look, let me show you my business idea, huh?
Now, imagine we're somewhere romantic,
like the time I took you to the Taj Mahal.
You've never taken me to the Taj Mahal.
Yes, I have, the one on the Stratford Road!
You had the Lamb Bhuna, remember?
Oh, yeah, that one.
So, we want to take a selfie,
but, oh, no, you forgot to bring the selfie stick.
- Me? - Yes.
But it's not a problem.
Not with Mr Khan's "sewn-into-your-suit" selfie stick!
Here we are. Perfect.
Now, get ready to say "cheese",
activating extension mode.
Serves you right!
I don't think Amjad's coping very well.
I think the stress is getting to him.
- He doesn't look stressed to me. - Just, talk to him, okay?
Okay, okay.
- Hello, Amjad. - Hello, sir.
- How are you doing? Not too stressed? - No. I'm not too stressed, at all.
Everything's perfectly fine.
I'm not too stressed at all.
You see, he's not too stressed at all!
I've got to get to the mosque.
Buddhu?
Yes, laddu?
I think you've forgotten something.
Oh.
Not that.
Dad, can you do something?
Okay, fine.
I don't think I can do this, sir.
Amjad, you can. You just need to put your trousers on first!
Maybe you should take over the funeral arrangements.
Amjad, it's very easy.
Muslim funerals are all about speed.
Pray-pray, cry-cry, dig-dig, bish-bosh!
But, sir, the funeral's this afternoon,
and I've got all these papers to sort out.
- And I have to get to the mosque. - So?
Apparently, there's going to be loads of important people there
to pay their respects. Colleagues, investors...
Say that again.
- Colleagues... - No, not that.
- Investors... - That's the one.
You know, Amjad, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should take over the funeral arrangements, huh?
Thank you, sir.
I don't want you to worry about anything.
You just stay here, relax, and enjoy yourself, huh?
Not enjoy yourself, I mean, be sad, in a good way.
Thank you, sir. You're my rock.
He was stressed. So I've just been relieving him of his tension.
- As-Salaam-Alaikum - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam, Riaz.
Hello, Dave.
- A sad day. - Why?
Aston Villa sacked their manager again?
Oh, you mean... Yes, of course.
Very sad. Very, very sad.
We've just being going over the arrangements for the funeral.
Yes, we have to perform the burial ritual, do the prayers,
and the body has to buried today with the head facing Mecca.
What're you telling us for? We know.
I'm the funeral director. It's all I've got.
There are also quite a few well-wishers here
who want to pay their respects to the family.
Yes, I'll be taking care of all of that.
You?
Well, I didn't think you and Mr Malik were that friendly.
Oh, yes! Me and Wiggy were very close.
People said you could hardly see the join.
Shouldn't that really be Amjad's role?
You're right. It should be Amjad, but he's gone a bit... Whoo-hoo!
So, he's left me in charge of everything.
He said I'm his rock.
Mmm. Maybe I should offer him some pastoral support.
Back off, Dave. I'm his stick of rock. He doesn't need a gingerbread man, too.
So, you're here to represent the family?
That's right. I'll be leading all the important funeral duties
like dealing with anyone who's coming to pay their investments... Respects!
- As-Salamu Alaykum - ALL: Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.
Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.
- I've come to offer my condolences... - That'll be me.
You're condoling me. Thank you.
It means a lot.
You see, Mr Malik and I were very close friends.
Very close.
Were you... a business partner of Mr Malik?
- No. - Okay, go.
So, you're gonna do everything that Amjad would have done.
- Yes. Got a problem with that? - No.
Good. What's first?
The ceremonial washing of the dead body.
Oh, tuhadi!
You know, I find this a very moving part of the funeral ritual.
Don't you, Mr Khan?
Mr Khan?
I thought it'd be easier to wash this in the sink.
Has anyone got any conditioner?
Are you okay, Mr Khan?
I know that must have been hard for you.
Yes, it was.
I had to really work the shampoo in to get the lather.
So, where are all these business investors, eh?
As-Salamu Alaykum.
Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.
I am looking for Amjad Malik.
- He's not here. - Mrs Malik, then?
She's not here, either.
Can you pass on a message?
Yes, yes, you're sorry for their loss, I'll let them know.
No, no. I am a business partner of the late Mr Malik.
- A business partner? - That is right.
Mr Khan.
K, H for "hat", A for "Asian", N for "knowledge".
Community leader. Mr Malik probably mentioned me.
No.
Did he mention him to you?
And who might this be?
This is my daughter, Pinky.
Oh, what a lovely name.
Back off!
Right. I'll be looking after all of Mr Malik's business affairs,
including his savings and investments, investments mainly.
Well, it is his investments I want to talk about.
Excellent.
Me too.
I say, gentlemen, now is not really the right time or place.
- Perhaps later... - Shut up, Dave!
- Let's talk numbers, eh? - Okay.
Mr Malik owes me 100 large.
What?
He owes us 100 grand.
What?
It means £100,000.
Yes, okay, Dave. I do know what it means. Thank you.
But now he is dead, that means,
you owe me
£100,000.
£100,000!
But there is no rush,
so long as you get me the cash by lunchtime.
Otherwise, Pinky may get very upset.
And you don't want that, do ya?
No, and that's a Pinky promise.
What kind of business partner is he?
He's not a business partner. He's an illegal bookmaker.
Oh, tuhadi!
I wanted an investor,
and instead I've ended up with a Pakistani Paddy Power.
- Hi, Papaji. - Hello, beti.
- Isn't it awful about Mr Malik? - Yes.
You never know what to say.
When I found out, I texted Mrs Malik, "OMG, coffin picture, sad face."
What did people do before emojis?
Where is she now?
She's in the living room hogging the sofa.
It's like, "I know you've lost your husband and whatever,
"but, hello, I've got nowhere to sit!"
Never mind nowhere to sit.
Soon, she's gonna have nowhere to live!
- What do you mean? - Mr Malik was broke!
The house, the car, the gold-plated hot tub,
none of it was really his!
Just like his hair!
So, Mrs Malik's not very, very rich?
No, she's very, very poor.
Brilliant!
- And she has no idea? - No.
He kept his secret life of casinos and showgirls completely hidden from her.
Wow!
I know.
I must admit, I'm liking him more and more.
What are you going to do?
I'm gonna have to tell her.
Can I come?
I'm going to have Italian marble for the work surfaces,
and handmade oak cabinets.
Wow, this new kitchen sounds amazing!
It's what he would have wanted.
We always said there's nothing worse than having to live
with a cheap and nasty kitchen.
Well, I don't need to tell you.
Mrs Malik has just been telling me about the new kitchen she's getting.
Isn't it too soon?
Maybe you should wait before spending any money?
After all, you never know what might be 'round the corner.
Mr Malik certainly didn't.
I mean, perhaps, you should even think of downsizing.
Downsizing?
Yes...
In more ways than one.
No. Look, maybe you should also think of selling your house, huh?
You don't want to be in that big house all on your own, you poor thing.
You poor, poor, poor thing.
I don't need to worry about being alone in the house.
I won't be back there for months.
What?
I've booked myself on a Caribbean cruise.
It's what he would have wanted.
Won't that be very expensive?
It might seem expensive to someone of your means,
but don't worry.
Mr Malik will have left me in the money.
He's left you in the something.
Well, perhaps it's time we went and got changed, yes?
Mrs Khan is going to help me dress for the funeral.
Mr Malik always liked to see me look a million dollars.
Good luck.
Mrs Malik.
- There's something I need to tell you. - Yes?
I'm afraid I have some terrible news,
and it's not that we've run out of biscuits.
What is it?
This might come as a bit of shock.
Mr Khan, after all I've been through, nothing more can shock me.
Mr Malik lost all his money to an illegal bookmaker.
You're completely broke.
Brilliant!
Typical!
You wait years for one Malik to die, and then two snuff it at the same time!
She's not dead, Papaji. She just fainted.
Thank God for that. We can't afford to bury her as well.
Right. I'll go and get a glass of water.
You stay here and make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue.
I wouldn't put it past her.
- Hello, sir. - Oh, hello, Amjad.
- Where's Mummy? - She's just having a bit of a lie-down.
I just wanted to say thank you for standing in for me at the mosque.
I owe you one.
You owe a bit more than that.
- What? - Listen,
I need to talk to you about your father's business.
Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy, too.
I've decided I'm going to say a few words about him at the funeral.
Okay. But about your father's business...
He was so well respected. I don't think I can ever live up to his reputation.
I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you.
Now, look, about the business...
He was such a good daddy to me when I was little.
And he loved Little Mo,
and Baby Nadiya, too.
And now, he won't ever see them grow up.
And they'll never know their granddad.
But, I'll tell them what a good man he was!
Everybody looked up to him!
Didn't they?
Yes. They did.
What did you want to talk to me about?
Nothing, Amjad.
Your father was a great man, and he'd be very proud of you.
I've just had the most horrible dream.
I dreamt that Mr Malik had died, and that he'd gambled away all our money.
Well, your dreams have come true!
And, Mr Malik really has died.
But, he didn't lose all your money.
Thank God!
Mr Khan?
Just making sure he's looking his best.
Perfect.
We should take the body to the cemetery now.
Oh, and Mr Gul is looking for you.
Right.
Did you tell Mrs Malik and Amjad that, you know...
No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to bury his father with pride.
Well, that's very noble.
So, are you gonna pay the £100,000?
No bloomin' way!
- So who is? - I don't know.
There isn't any money!
Oh, so what are you gonna do?
Well, I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell the Pakistani Paddy Power
that he'll get his money after the funeral.
What? Well, how are you gonna do that?
A-ha! Allow me to introduce...
Mrs Malik.
Oh, no!
No, no, no!
What? It's perfect!
I'll do all the talking. Riaz just has to stand there looking like a lady.
No problem. I mean, no problem.
I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do this.
All right. What are you saying? That men shouldn't wear women's clothes?
Well, of course not.
I mean, obviously I'm in favour of a non-binary definition
of gender identity.
I thought you might be.
But they'll never believe that he's a woman. I mean, look at him!
- You're right. - Thank you.
- I know what he needs! - What are you doing?
Boobies!
One in there. Excuse me, madam.
That's okay. There we are.
Much better.
Assalamu alaikum.
Walaikum assalamu.
If I didn't know any better, Khan - saab,
I would say you have been avoiding me.
Hello.
Mr Gul. May I introduce you to... Mrs Malik?
Assalamu alaikum. I am so sorry for your loss.
- She's still too upset to talk. - Of course, I understand.
Mrs Malik is prepared to honour her husband's debt.
Is that so, Mrs Malik?
That is acceptable.
Perhaps when you are ready to move on
we might get to know each other a little better?
All in good time. All in good time.
This must have come as a bit of a shock.
You're not kidding.
I must say, he looks pretty good.
The undertaker has done a first-rate job.
Wow! Thank you very much!
Oh, tehudi!
I can explain.
I want my money.
Hang on, how do we know that Mr Malik owes you anything?
It's all in here.
Look, I haven't got your money.
Then I will get it from the boy. He will be at the cemetery,
and I will tell him all about what his daddy was really like.
I can't let you do that.
Really?
Ah! Ah!
I'm gonna enjoy this!
No violence, please. This is the house of God!
Shut it, Ron Weasley!
Wait! Can I just have something for Mrs Khan to remember me by?
Like what?
A selfie?
Say, "Cheese!"
- Whoa! - Pinky?
Go on, get him!
- Get him! Get him in there! - I will get my money!
Just get that! I told you Muslim funerals were speedy!
You stay with him. Dave, come on!
Ameen.
All right, come on, come on. Riaz can't sit on that coffin forever!
Mr Khan, do you know we're supposed to do the burial
before the imam conducts prayers?
If we don't get a move on, Dave, there's gonna be another funeral here today.
- Whose? - Mine!
Now, come on. Let's get this filled, huh?
The imam wants to know if anybody would like to say a few words first?
Oh, we've got to get on with it! Jaldi, jaldi!
I'd like to say something.
- Do you mind, sir? - No, I don't mind, Amjad.
Whenever you're ready, yeah?
Daddy didn't talk much...
And it was hard to tell what he was thinking most of the time.
So, I don't know if any of us got to know him really well.
But what I do know is that he loved me and Mummy
very much and I never doubted that for a second.
He was quiet...
And kind...
And he was my hero.
I'm proud of you, buddhu.
I want to go now, beta.
It's okay, Amjad. You take your mother and the others back to the house.
I'll take care of the rest, huh?
Here, now, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on, pass. Jaldi, jaldi, jaldi.
Come on, come on.
- Mr Khan! - What?
Oh, tuhadi!
Oh, God!
Come on, buddhu. Let's go home.
- Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan? It's okay, beta.
I think he's saying goodbye in his own way. Chalo.
Come on, jaldi, jaldi!
Jaldi karo, come on! Jaldi karo na!
Come on, hurry, hurry!
Help! Help!
I mean... Help! Help!
- Where is he? - Hmm? Who?
Khan!
I haven't seen him. Have you seen him?
No.
This isn't over.
It is now.
Are you okay, Mummy?
Ha, I'll miss him, though.
Me too.
What is it?
It's just... There was something I was going to keep,
to remember him by.
What?
His... Never mind.
It's too late now.
Get me out of here!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll January 2017
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll Released on www.Addic7ed.com