Do you want a go, darling?
What the...
Oh, no!
No...
Well?
The hand acting were good.
Your hand were really still at the end.
Actually, they used a hand double for that bit.
The director said my hand was distracting.
So, when are you going to stop being cast as a slutty murder victim?
Every actress starts as a murdered prostitute, Meg.
You have to build up to be a non-murdered prostitute,
and then you can play anything,
like the hot girl at work or the uptight girlfriend. Anything.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but don't you ever feel like it's... What?
..degrading and sort of unfeminist-y?
OK, Caitlin Moran, it's just showbiz. You wouldn't understand.
O-M-Jesus! Spielberg, is it
A producer has just tweeted me.
He saw my portrayal of Murdered Prostitute 2,
and he wants me to be in his film.
What, he's offered you a job, on Twitter? What is it?
A movie in his pants?
It's not porn, is it?
No! Look at his other credits.
Demon Cheerleader Academy,
Ghost Night Stand and now this, Dracteria 2 - Blood-Pocalypse.
That is big time, Bunny.
Dracteria 1 were mint.
Dracteria? It is like "Dracula" and "bacteria". It were huge, Meg. Hmm.
He wants to be to play Professor Tina Van Helsing,
a brilliant but sexy biochemist. My God, that is just so me.
Freak, Bunny.
I always thought you were dog shite at acting, if I'm honest.
Shows how much I know. Thank you.
This has got to be a prank, surely? No, Meg, this is it. My big break.
Don't be jealous. You face goes all crabby like an old-time witch.
Oh, yeah.
How come you get a sexy suit and job with a cool headset?
Can't I work there?
No chance.
No offence. We can't take deadwood at Leeds Telecoms.
How do I look?
Like you've gone blind.
I've got a teensy problem.
It is not a big deal, but the producers
are going to be calling at any min, and they want to speak to my agent.
So? So, I don't have an agent.
But your agent called me to cancel my birthday.
I don't really have time for this right now.
I normally do it myself in a Scottish accent
but they're profesh, so they'll know.
Meg? You're on your own, mate.
Like I was on my birthday.
Och! Hello there.
Bloody hell. I'll do it.
All right, pricks, let's talk money.
Well, good luck today, Bunny. Really.
Really delighted for you.
Well, I better go.
I'm off to the promotions job that you two have inexplicably
moved on from before me. This is a piece of piss.
I remember when I used to do promo work. It was so degrading.
Of course I remember, Bunny.
It was literally yesterday.
Hey, baby girl, so cool to meet you. So cool.
You on your bus, yeah?
No, just doing the same as you. What?
You're doing this with us?
Oh, my God. Babes. How old are you, though?
Hello, girls. Looking lovely.
Where's Malcolm?
Lawsuit is pending. Can't go into any more details.
It's not Savile, but it's not not Savile. Anyway, you are...
I'm Meg.
Oh, you're Meg? Right.
Yeah.
Hi, Bunny, I'm Ciaran, the director. So, have you met Alex Reid?
Alex Reid?
Jordan's ex-husband? The cage fighter? He's in this too?
Yes, yeah.
He can get a touch frustrated with us all.
He's very passionate about this project.
Oh, sure, me too. Me too.
And you've read the script?
All of it?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great, because... Where do you think you're going?
Do I look like I'm finished?
Sorry. You were saying?
You know what, Meckles? Can I call you Meckles? No.
It would be most helpful if you looked after the shampoos
in the van. Do they need looking after?
Don't worry about that. Just pop into the van, Meg. Why?
Just pop into the van, Meg. That it, great stuff, good girl.
All the way in, Meg.
Ow! A bit further.
A bit further.
That's it, so you can't be seen, Meg, is the general idea.
There we are.
Well, I quit.
Hello?
Three, take one.
OK, that's great.
So, what we're after here is just the movement, Bunny, OK?
We're going to be CGI-ing all the science stuff in later.
So, if you just hold your hands
like you're holding onto some bicycle handlebars,
and just move both of your hands from side to side. That's lovely.
A bit faster now. Just go quickly.
Quickly, quickly. That's good, yeah.
Maybe lick one of the handlebars. Just give it a good lick.
Yeah, at an angle. That's it, yeah.
Yeah, OK, that's really great, Bunny. Just keep going.
Just keep working away on those handlebars.
What are you CGI-ing, again? Science stuff, Bunny. Just science stuff.
Oh, you're in a bit of a rush now.
Oh, no, some of that bacteria
has leapt up onto your hair and face and glasses. Oh! Oh, dear.
Perfect.
Hi, Laura.
Hey, Nathan.
What's happened to Terry? He's been away for a week.
Yeah, off sick.
Poor fucker. How's he going to afford that? What do you mean?
What do YOU mean?
He is getting paid. He's on sick leave.
What? You mean we get paid, even if we're sick? Of course.
Hello. Is that your flowerpot?
What's going on here?
I'm a bit lost, but I think this prick in the polka-dot dungarees
has stolen someone's flowerpot.
No, I meant, what are you doing home so early?
I found out about sick days. What a world, Meg.
Hamlet's here
How was it, then?
Oh. I smashed it. I'm practically Cate Blanchett and I'm not kidding.
I have a trailer and a slave.
No, he's not a slave... No, he's a slave.
And he gets me shit.
And there's an all-day buffet. A free buffet? Fucking hell.
Can I come tomorrow? I can pull another sickie. Sure.
What? That's not fair. If Laura goes, I get to go.
And, actually, now I'm thinking about it,
working on a film is my main dream. Can I come too?
I wouldn't have to be paid.
I'll do work experience, or something. I'm sure it's fine.
When you're the lead, you can pretty much do whatever you want.
Everyone loves me, so...
Morning, everyone. I'm here.
This is epic.
Oh, your face, sweets. I guess I'm just so used to it now.
It's just so fascinating to see how it all works behind the scenes.
Just one little soupcon, guys.
If you could not talk to me while we're here.
Are you joking? Uh-uh-uh! Yeah!
It's just...I'm kind of a big deal, yeah?
And I think it would be really confusing for people if they saw me
with the work experience girl and, well, you know...
Thanks, guys. I knew you'd understand.
Wow.
Who are you, again? I'm Meg. I'm Bunny's friend.
She said I could do work experience.
Aren't you a bit old to be doing work experience?
I'm glad you noticed, Paul.
You see, I've decided on a little career change.
Film-making is my main dream. Oh, God. Please stop.
Look, this film is a nightmare.
The last thing I need is to waste time showing some
directionless, overgrown millennial the ropes.
But we do need all the help we can get.
Oh, thank you. I wouldn't thank me yet, love.
'Paul, we have a problem.' Hang on. What?!
150 quid? It's a joke.
No wonder they can't find any extras.
Hi, Nathan.
No, I'm really sick. What's wrong?
Bubbly skin flaps, burning hands and scalp rot.
Yeah, it does sound unbelievable, doesn't it?
I'll send you a photo.
What the fuck is this?
It's the biscuits.
Right, do you think I could give a plate of biscuits to
Alex Reid looking like that? I'd be sacked, Meg. Laughed out of town.
Jesus Christ. You do want this work experience, don't you? Yes. Yes.
Then get your shit together.
Morning, everyone.
Another day down the tinsel mines, am I right?
Hey, Brian. My name's not Brian.
Bunny, can I ask you something? It's about...
OK, where we are now is Count Dracula's got into the blood samples in the lab
and he's taken the form of evil bacteria.
Oh...Dracteria! Now it makes sense.
You've not read the...
Never mind, so you're in the lab,
your colleague and mentor Alex Reid is away,
some of the bacteria you're working on in Petri dishes swarm out
and it starts to have unwanted sex with you.
The bacteria rapes me?
No, it just has unwanted sex with you. OK?
What's the difference? Should we just give it a little go? Yeah?
34, take 1.
OK, and action.
Oh! Oh, no!
OK, cut, cut, cut.
Great effort, Bunny, loved that.
Just to see where it takes us,
do you think you could do the next one
and just enjoy it a little bit more?
But it's raping me.
Yeah, but it's still sex, isn't it?
Do you follow?
Ah, yeah, gotcha.
34, take 2. OK, action.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No! Yeah! Yeah!
But no, no, no...!
OK, Bunny, stop, stop.
OK, OK, that's great.
We're still not quite getting it, are we?
So, I tell you what, don't worry, just follow my lead,
I'll talk you through it, OK?
OK, action, Bunny, it's painful. Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Now try to feel the bacteria swarm element of it. Yeah?
Brrr! Brrr!
Ahh! It's swarming, oh, no, it's scary, it's scary, Bunny.
Oh, hello. Oh, starting to enjoy it a little bit more now.
These bacteria, they're really going to town on you.
Oh, that's right! Oh, it's sexy, it's hot, it's hot.
Keep it going, yeah, that's it. Keep it going. Good.
Good.
Good. Good.
And...
come.
Great, that's lunch, everyone.
These are chocolates from work.
And I'm getting paid for two jobs.
Three, if you count being Bunny's agent. Best day ever.
I hated it.
Working on a film is absolutely nothing like
the blooper reels on YouTube.
I thought it would just be people dicking about.
I might have to call in sick tomorrow. Good call, mate.
But then, what if it is still my main dream.
This could be my big break.
I could be the next massive female director, like...
..er, like...
Hmm. Meg, d'you want some real talk
from someone who's currently living her truth? No.
Sometimes life is hard,
yeah, like sometimes you have to fight your dreams. Take me.
The director has decided the film hasn't got enough nudity in it,
so, even though it's not part of the story,
they need me to take my clothes off.
For the good of the film.
And you said it doing promo work was degrading.
You're just jealous, Meg, because I am a star.
And you can't even arrange some biscuits on a plate.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Alex Reid and I had a good old laugh about it.
OK. Fine.
My career is in tatters.
But, jealousy aside,
they are taking the piss and using you for your tits. No, they're not.
Yes, they are. You'll just end up on YouPorn.
D'you think Meryl Streep is on YouPorn?
She isn't, Gaz checked.
I guess I am kind of like Meryl Streep.
And I don't want to be on YouPorn...again.
The nudity is empowering now.
I thought that was the thing.
Bunny, they're making a power play and your tits are the chips.
We can't just take our tops off whenever someone tells us to
and call it empowering. That's not feminism.
Is it?
I don't know. I don't know. No?
You've got to take back the power, Bunny.
That is if you want them to know who the star is.
I am.
I am the star.
Sure.
Look, we are slaughtering an orphan. Of course we need a fucking orphan!
Morning, Paul.
Oh, God, you're back, are you?
I am having a nightmare.
This whole thing is a shit show.
And that friend of yours might just be
the worst actress I have ever seen.
'Take one.
'Push it.
'Fucking push it!'
Look, she can't even open a fucking door.
Idiot!
And now two extras have just dropped out,
so I need you to find me replacements. Yeah? OK.
Now! Right. Yes.
Copy that.
I won't let you down, boss.
That way.
Fuck me.
Sorry, what do you mean, not comfortable with the nudity?
I just really feel like in this scene the nudity is gratuitous.
I thought my character would be wearing clothes.
Right, it's a woodland, orgy dream sequence,
so it wouldn't be a very erotic woodland orgy dream
if everybody kept their clothes on, would it?
It's just not very feminist-y, is it?
Well, it is, actually.
Because there's nothing more feministy
than taking your clothes off for your art. It's empowering.
You see, this is what I thought, but look, I am a serious actor,
so you need to respect my truth and my body.
I'll tell you who's a serious actor.
Alex Reid.
He is going full-frontal nudity.
He's shaving his entire body.
The man will be like a damn eel because he is a professional.
One tit. No.
Bottom. No.
Bottom with one tit. No.
What if you were to just wear, I don't know,
a slightly see-through dress so we got the sense of it all?
No. Fuck's sake!
What, not even one tit? No. Fucking hell!
You had better have good news.
Yeah, I have found a replacement.
I told you, I need two replacements.
Yeah, I couldn't find another one at such short notice,
so I thought...I could do it.
Oh, really?
Meg, that is so cool of you.
I think I was wrong about you, you've got what it takes.
I'm going to write you the best reference.
Nip over to costume and they'll sort you out.
OK... Copy that.
Copy that.
This can't be the entire costume.
How does it even...?
Paul...
I'm proud of you, Meg, doing a great job.
Er, excuse me, sorry, but do you have a spare razor?
I just wasn't expecting to be in my knickers at work.
Sorry, love, Alex Reid just the last one.
Of course he did.
Excuse me.
Hello, Alex.
Mr Reid. Sir.
Who are you? What are you doing in my trailer?
Er, I, um... Oh, I see, you know, I can't get round the back.
Wait, what?
Oh, pardon.
What the hell?
Are you naked under there? No.
I'm wearing a patch.
You hypocrite!
What about feminism, what about taking back the power? You said...
I know what I said. Right, Bunny, I can't get hold of your agent.
If we don't sort this, you're through.
Fine, I'll just call him up.
Bunny, I wouldn't.
I don't need any more help from you...Judith!
I think you mean Judas. Good luck.
Hey. 'You again! What do you want? You're bothering me!'
Come on, look. That's a little bit harsh. 'Harsh?' No, don't...
All I'm saying is... 'You don't even know harsh...' Hang on.
I'll make you wish you'd never been born.
I'll make you wish you could clamber back into your mother's snatch,
you daft fucking prick! Oh, and...
Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Bunny, is this crouching, half-naked extra your agent?
No. Yeah, I am.
Well, I don't know where the fuck in Amityville you're from,
but tell your client she's fired.
Now get the fuck off my set, you are both fired.
Sorry, rewind. You can't fire me, I'm the lead.
We'll manage, we got everything we need, minus the tits.
But meg said... Meg?
What was it? About empowerment? I don't know any more, mate.
But I'll take my top off, OK?
I will.
No, no, don't bother.
We'll just get one of the girls from Babestation. No!
Should I go too? Who even are you?
She's the replacement tits.
OK, keep her, it'll be fine,
we're just shooting from the chin down anyway.
Er, but... Come on, Meg, get them out.
You do one that reference, don't you?
Yeah, it's just, my tits are only A cups.
So... Oh, for fuck's...!
OK, is there anyone on this set with a proper pair of tits
willing to get them out for camera?
C cups or bigger?
No, not them.
Any tits?
Praise the fucking Lord!
Right. Hang on, is that...?
It doesn't bother me.
OK, you stand there.
A cups, fuck off!
Come on.
Right, fucking action!
Yes! Yes. Hallelujah!
Stupid film anyway. Genuinely, Meg, I think you did me a favour.
At least you won't end up on YouPorn.
Yeah, well, no-one will notice me
cos they didn't want to use my face. Winner.
Reid, talk to me.
They said what?
We agreed five percent on the backend.
I'm not having them screw you out of that.
If they want to perv, that's ?75 more.
She's really good, you know. She's got me another job. What is it?
A telly gig. Telly?
Cool. Great. Right.
Cool.
Great. Are you OK, Meg? Yeah, of course.
Are you wanting me to ask...? No.
No, don't be silly. As if. No.
Maybe just put in a good word.
Meg, I'm telling you this because I love you.
Don't give up your day job.
Yeah...
I don't have a day job.