I'm inside you!
I know, yeah.
It feels...so good making love to you.
HE GROANS
Oof... Ah...
Ah! Mmmm!
Meg, open your eyes!
Look at me.
What do you want, Meg? Er...
Um... Tell... Tell me what you want.
This?
Ooh...
Oh, yeah!
Oh, that's better. Yeah!
Oh, that's...dark.
Bye, guys! Bye, Andrew. Bye, Andrew! See you, Puddle.
Meg. He's the perfect man.
Yes. Yes, I know, Bunny.
He's very kind, isn't he? And generous.
And intelligent. And I've never been so bored in my life.
Are you going to break up with him, then? Not to his face.
No, no, I wouldn't have thought so.
No, I'm going full coward.
I'm ghosting the shit out of him.
Oh, you can't just start ignoring him.
I'm not ignoring HIM, I'm just ignoring his texts and his phone calls.
That's what ghosting is, mate.
What's the alternative? Look into his kind eyes and tell him it's over? Risky.
I've been ghosting Gary, and he still thinks we together.
Yeah, well, you still live with him and you had sex with him this morning.
Yeah, but we didn't TALK after. I know what's going on here.
Do you want me to be your break-up guru? No.
You could try, but Gary's knob's a serious addiction for me.
Er, you probably do need to stop sleeping in the same bed as him, mate.
Where am I going to sleep?
Stay here.
You can move in with us. Not what I meant. Are you sure?
Oh, yes. Please!
All of us single together for the first time,
and I can be your shrink! Oh, please!
Please! I'm so bored and I really need a project.
Said no shrink, ever.
We might need to do two trips.
Oof.
Right, let's get this baby set up.
Do you know the great thing about living with me is?
You'll never have to buy Coca-Cola again. Because I make it myself.
Oh, wow. That'll save us...pennies.
Gary used to go mad about all this stuff,
but the thing about me is, I know a bargain when I see one.
Right.
Did somebody rob Sue Ryder?
Laura's moved all of her stuff in. Temporarily. While she lives here.
Very much...temporarily.
We'll have to go back for those kayaks another day.
Anyway, I've got an antidote to your new-found singledom.
Chloe from my acting class is having a house party tonight.
So a room full of gay lads? That is fine by me.
I just want to forget about men for a while. Dick detox. Good call.
Is that why you changed your profile pic to you sucking on a banana?
Phhft! That's just gags! Just classic Meg!
Laura-Cola and voddy, anyone? "Voddy"? It's four o'clock.
Oh, we should start getting ready! Yeah, it's four o'clock?
I better start on my nails.
SHE GAGS
MUSIC PLAYS
To ghosting!
Whoa, Meg. Don't shit yourself, but, er, six o'clock.
No, sorry, not six o'clock, 12 o'clock. No, my 12... My 12 o'clock.
Keswick! Oh, no! On your own again? You look well, Kes.
Clothes are a bit weird, but...
Yeah, well, you're just a... A...
Here it comes. Sad...case.
No life.
Ouch(!)
Oh, Skinner's here.
Do you want owt?
"Sad case lowlife"? Yeah, I know, sorry.
But he puts me on edge, because he's just so...mean and...fit.
Mmm! Hot and cold, Meg. Do not go back there.
Yeah, I know, but... I really do want to go back there.
Hnng, hubba! Plenty of other fit men around here, Meg.
Look at him. He's gorgeous.
Oh, for fuck's sake! What's Gary doing here? Oopsy! Send-all fail.
Hey, babe.
Right, one of us has got to leave, and it isn't going to be me.
Laura, please. Can we just skip this bit? It's getting tedious.
"Tedious"? Have you been reading again?
Gary, I'm not bluffing. It's over. I've moved out.
We had sex this morning! Oh, are you stupid, Gary?
That didn't count. Why not? I were facing the wall!
Let me know when you want to get a cab home.
D'oh!
Oh, your tits look bigger, Kes.
I'm on a new pill.
I know the feeling. What?
Fuck me, these are strong! What are?
Kes, I need a hug.
OK...
Oh, that's better.
Oh, I've missed you, Kes.
Oh, yeah, fuck, I've really missed you!
Hadn't realised it until now.
Can you stroke me head?
Ahh, how good does that feel?
Can I kiss you, Kes? Think it would feel really good.
Want to go somewhere private?
I strongly advise against this, Meg.
Well, if you need me, I'll be getting my freak on!
She'll regret that in the morning.
Shame. I love Andrew.
That's ghosting for you, isn't it?
Looks a bit shady when you see someone else at it.
If you're going to break up with someone,
you do need to let them know.
You have to be very clear, or how else will they know that it's over?
Babe, I meant to say, me mam wants us to go over for lunch tomorrow, about one.
We're not together, you fucktard!
Come here.
Er, that's my fucking boyfriend, Fish!
I'm sorry, she just pounced! She did, I saw it. Who are you?
I'm her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend! I thought you were over girls, Alan.
She just pounced on me! You fucking prick.
Calm down, don't worry about it.
I can't calm down when I see you snogging someone else...
I didn't know. What the fuck?
Darling, we need to go. Laura's started a bit of a squabble.
Kes, call me, yeah? I deleted your number. Why?
Because you gave me an STD. Oh, yeah.
What's everyone staring at? Fuck off!
I'm coming for you next, Fish!
Leg it! Where the fuck are you going?!
See you at home, babe.
MOBILE PHONE BUZZES
Oh, shit.
'Hey, Puddle, it's me.
'Just wondering how things are going.'
So, Andrew's immune to ghosting.
And you are a filthy cheat.
Hot and Cold keeps sending me pictures of his lovely penis.
PHONE RINGS
Ohh!
You have to tell him the truth. No, not the truth!
SHE SIGHS
Hi, Andrew.
Yeah, a crazy night.
Er, I, er...lost my phone.
And, er... Well, yeah, I found it again.
In my cagoule.
I know, yeah.
Tonight?
That would be perfect.
OK, I'll text you a place.
OK, don't judge me.
We're meeting up later for a drink and I'm going to tell him
to his face that it's definitely over.
And confess to the cheating? Well, let's just see how it goes.
I've never dumped anyone before. Where do you do it?
Well, meet him at my dumping pub. You have a dumping pub?
Mm, the Cock Tavern.
It's a one-drink-and-vacate kind of place.
Usually empty, save for some terrifying, toothless crackheads.
Well, that does sound ideal. Poor Andrew. He deserves better.
Stop sticking up for Andrew! I'm doing the right thing.
Just so you can have guilt-free sex with Hot and Cold again.
I can read you like a blog, Meg.
OM Jesus! Ohh!
Laura?
Ohh, sorry about that.
A fair bit of regrowth!
I did not agree to this.
She has to go and you have to be the one to tell her.
Fine. Although I think you're overreacting.
They're just pubes, Meg, we've all got them.
Well, actually, she doesn't any more.
They're all in this bowl.
TEXT ALERT
Oh, a fucking restaurant?!
I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of booking us a table.
I've always wanted to try this place,
I've just been waiting for the right person to try it with. Yeah...
We need to talk... Mr Campbell, your table is ready.
Please?
Why not?
Follow me.
There's only one decision to make with the menu -
ten or 15 courses?
Er, 15. 15?!
Wonder what he's doing now.
Laura, can we talk? Probably staying in and ordering a currizza for one.
What if he gets horny and I'm not there?
He'll just toss himself off, darling.
What if he does that thing where he accidentally
kills himself while he's wanking?
Listen, Laura, Meg and I have been talking, and we would like you to...
I feel a bit funny.
We need you to, Laura, and I'm sorry about this...
There's something happening to me eyes!
Shit, Bunny, is this crying?
Am I crying?
Um...
SHE SOBS AND WAILS
Yes.
Me eyes are all wet!
What's happening?
Is this normal?
SHE SOBS EVEN LOUDER
Oh, um...
I bought you a present.
Oh!
This is a self-help book.
Yep. I thought you'd like it.
OK.
So, Andrew, there was something that I needed to tell you...
Pollen dusted, grass fed lamb with nettle foam.
Well, that looks sensational.
Cheers. Ahem!
So, er...
We've been on a few dates now, Andrew, and, um,
well, the thing is...
I don't really know how...
Oh, sh...oes!
That is sublime!
Oh, my God!
What the...
What is happening? There's so many tastes!
Is that good, Puddle?
Good? I don't think I've ever been this happy.
You glad we came?
I'm in heaven, I'm so fucking happy.
That is amazing. That is exquis, absolutely exquis.
It's really special for me, too.
Mmm!
Oh, God. I think I'm in love!
With the food, or with me?
What?
Fuck it. Meg...
..I'm in love with you.
Cool.
HE GROANS: I'm inside you.
Can we use the pillow?
HE GRUNTS AND MOANS
I want you to see me.
I want to see you.
Sorry, can we... Can we stop? Just...
I'm just really full.
Uh, OK, Puddle.
Yeah, um...
Ooh! Um, OK.
Let's, um...
Let's just spoon.
I love you, Meg.
I love you.
Do you love me?
SHE PRETENDS TO SNORE
SHE CONTINUES SNORING
Morning.
How did the dumping go, Meg?
Didn't dump him.
Had sex with him. Oh, for God's sake.
I thought you hated having sex with Andrew.
Not hate! Just, you know...makes me cringe.
It's complicated.
I was going to dump him, but we had a wonderful night.
There was dinner, 15 courses.
Good chat. Bought me a book.
Told me he loved me. Oh, boy. Unlucky.
Why?!
Cos you don't love him. Yeah, but give it time.
I think it's kind of flattering. TEXT ALERT BEEPS
More than can be said for Hot & Cold,
who communicates solely by the medium of dick pics.
So are you going to try and fall in love with Andrew
to avoid dumping him?
I really like the guy. Are you sure you don't just really like dinner?
I wouldn't go in the bog for a bit. Budge up, babe.
Oh, Gaz kind of stopped over here last night.
Certainly did. Got a booty call from little Lozza-Chops, didn't I?
Cheers for letting us have your bed, Meg.
We'll change your sheets.
Come on.
Why is she still here?
I couldn't do it.
She started crying, it was really boring, then I fell asleep.
But what happened to sticking to the plan?
I could ask you the same question.
Good break-up guru-ing, Bunny.
It's OK, I'll sort it, I promise. TEXT ALERT BLEEPS
Oh, well, that's his penis again.
SIGHING: Right...
..I have to go and put a stop to all this.
I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry.
Cor...
I thought that might have tempted you, Kez.
Look, I just came round to say I've got...
SHE SIGHS
Can you put some clothes on? We need to talk. Talk after.
Look, the other night was a mistake. I've actually still got a boyfriend.
What's a young, hot, independent woman like you doing tied down
in a stifling relationship?
You should be sowing your wild oats, having fun. I am having fun.
He took me out for dinner last night, it was 15 courses.
HE SCOFFS
I just think it's a shame blokes feel the need to control women
by forcing relationships on them.
Everyone should be free to sleep with whoever they want
whenever they want. Women have needs too.
If he don't understand that, then he's just a bit sexist.
And he's an idiot,
cos he's going to lose you.
I suppose I was feeling a bit stifled. Come here, Kez.
It doesn't mean you have to break up with this guy.
Don't I? Course not.
You just need to explain to him your new rules.
You see, we've all been brainwashed
into thinking that it's all or nothing.
In fact, there's a third way.
A third way? Where you're not tied down by labels,
you can sleep with whoever you want.
Doesn't that sound good? I suppose so.
Why don't you lie down for a bit, Kez? Just have a little cuddle.
OK.
Just for a bit.
Why are we meeting in the dumping pub?
Laura's dumping Gary once and for all
and I am here as her break-up mentor
and when she's finished, we're going to dump her as a flatmate.
Solid plan. Except you'll have to go it alone,
because I'm meeting Andrew to tell him about the third way.
The third way? Yeah, don't have to break up with him.
We've all been brainwashed.
Yeah, it's my rules and I won't be tied down by labels.
I can sleep with whoever I want.
Did Hot & Cold tell you this? Yeah.
Meg, just put poor Andrew out of his misery.
Don't need to. I'm just going to tell him about the third way.
I absolutely cannot end up having dinner with him again.
Just tell him to meet you here, it's a shithole.
There's no way he'll tell you he loves you again in here.
Good point.
But, uh...
he's quite scared of this place, so I'll have to be very persuasive.
Tit pic.
So, I've been thinking and relationships, eh?
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
We've all been brainwashed, Andrew.
There is a third way, after all.
I'm not sure I follow.
Well, I'm a young, hot, independent woman.
You know, I've got needs, you've got needs.
You're just being a bit sexist.
What?
But I thought we were getting back together.
Why do you keep sleeping with me if you're not in love with me any more?
Boredom.
Look, it's my rules and I won't be tied down by labels.
Are you dumping me? Because I love you, Meg. No!
It's just... Look, it's the third way, OK?
It's about having the freedom to...to sleep with...whoever...
..I want.
So you're cheating on me? No!
No, it's...
It's...the third way.
Right, because it sounds like you've cheated on me
and you want to continue cheating on me
with my permission.
Would...
Would that be something you were into? Obviously not!
Defin... No! No.
So you've brought me to this shithole because you're dumping me?
No! Look, the reason we're in the dumping pub is not...
You call this place the dumping pub?! Hmm?
You have a dumping pub!
Pfft!
Just...
How are you feeling, Laura?
Yeah, fine. Relieved.
I mean, I do feel a bit guilty.
HE SOBS
Sound advice, Bun, you're a top mate.
And cheers for telling me to move in - smart move, that.
Yeah, um, Laura, about that,
Meg wanted me to tell you that she doesn't want you to move in with us.
So where am I going to live?
Yeah, that's a good point.
Well, you could have told me before I dumped Gary.
LOUD SOBBING CONTINUES
Yeah, that would have been a better way around.
I'll fix this.
You've tried to meet me here at the dumping pub before.
You don't really like me at all, do you?
You just like being taken out for dinner.
You didn't really leave your phone in the cagoule, did you?
You were sleeping with someone else, weren't you?
And now you're dumping me. No!
Look, it's the third fucking way, OK!
This is not a dumping, I cannot stress that enough.
We are here because Laura's dumping Gary
and then Bunny and I are dumping Laura as a flatmate.
Can you hear yourself?
Yes.
HE EXHALES
I'm confused. So I'm dumped, but you still want to live with me?
Yeah, the arrangement is we live together,
but we sleep with whoever we like.
It's called the third way.
That's sounds fine for you, you're a hot bird.
What about me? I can't pull for shit, can I?
Fair point. I'll have to stay with you and Meg.
No, let's not be too hasty, Gary.
When was the last time you tried to pull? I can't remember.
OK, so a little rusty.
That's fine, we can help you.
This is messed up. You've got to loosen up, Gary.
This is the modern dating scene -
people do the third way all the time.
Meg is doing it with Andrew right now.
ANDREW: I'm going to leave. Are you going to stop me?
No, I'm not going to stop you. OK, that's annoying, but...
No-one's going to want me, though. True.
Gary, you're a catch. You've got so much going for you.
You're a businessman. Kind of.
Carpet fitter. And you're kind and good-looking.
Am I? Cheers.
Gorgeous blue eyes, great height,
so muscular. Lovely smile.
Always thought so.
All right, Bunny. You're not so bad yourself.
Always liked your face.
Your tits.
And you don't strike me as a man
who has anything to worry about downstairs.
Wilbur is about average.
And Laura tells me that you're a very good kisser.
I feel like I'm being hit on. Yeah, it does seem a bit like that.
And how does that make you feel? Good!
Nice. Confident. See!
This could be the perfect arrangement for both of you.
Imagine, you get to kiss whoever you like.
No labels, no boundaries, no rules,
you can just...
..go for it.
Mmm!
What the fuck?!
You ARE a good kisser! I want to do the third way.
What is wrong with you people?!
Sozzers, Laura, it was too far, my bad.
But by way of demonstration, that went well, I thought.
We're not doing the third way. Oh, what?! We're not doing it!
Ain't going to work. Are you just jealous, or do you still love me?
Gary, it's the same thing.
I did that.
Oh, and Meg...
..you don't realise it now,
but me and you have something, we've got something special
and unique and I was going to support you no matter what,
I was going to watch you grow and love you.
I was going to give you my love.
One day you'll want someone's love and you'll understand.
Maybe it'll be mine, maybe not, but...
..I hope you remember it was offered,
sincerely.
And generously and...
..unconditionally.
Bye, Meg.
MEG SIGHS
Bit boring, though. So boring. Yeah. Bastard.
Right, shall we head off, then?
Yeah, let's go.
The cola's disgusting in here.
Well, my work here is done.
You've done nothing, they're in exactly the same situation
as they were before, except you've now kissed her boyfriend.
Still at least we have our flat to ourselves again.
Yeah, you do.
I'm going on a guilt-free sex marathon with Hot & Cold.
Don't wait up.
Good news.
Je suis single. Yeah, now's not really a very good time.
FEMALE VOICE: Who is it? Uh, it's just a Jehovah's Witness.
Oh, fuck off! But you said about the third way!
OK, bye.
# I'm just a love machine, feeding my fantasy
# Give me a kiss or three
# And I'm fine
# I need a squeeze a day
# Instead of this negligee
# What will the neighbours say
# This time?
# Oh, it's very new
# Can anybody tell me what to do?
# Oh, this feeling's very strange
♪ Can anybody tell me what's you're game? ♪