[gentle chime]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest"...
When we collect all three runestones,
we will bring your world into ruin.
Now that I've collected
all three runestones,
we can finally resurrect the Manticore
and rule this world.
- What's your name? - Eddie Lizzard.
We are here to destroy
the Heralds of Manticore.
Technically - there is a beef
Because you're here to defeat
the people I work for.
Guys, give us ten minutes.
[both groaning]
You just give me 70 gold
to give me a handjob.
"I nailed it, nailed it,"
I'm saying.
[dramatic music]
- We could have - used that dragon.
- I mean, that would - have been nice
To be friends - with a dragon.
Is this the end?
This is the end of us, and it's probably
the end of you back there.
I'm going to miss you when you're dead.
I am sorry.
Are you sorry?
You're great.
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s,
Fantasy role-playing games
have provided men and women with an escape
from their awkward lives.
Today, the most awkward
of them all, Dan Harmon,
is summoning celebrity friends
to play these games of old
in front of a live
studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master,
and this is HarmonQuest.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you for coming
to "HarmonQuest" again.
I'm Dan Harmon.
With me, as always, expert role players
Erin McGathy... [cheers and applause]
Jeff Bryan Davis... [cheers and applause]
And our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause]
And our guest role player this evening,
the amazing, the suave,
the sometimes Marty McFlyish Rhea Butcher.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
So Rhea, we don't know.
What's your history with
fantasy role-playing games?
Any at all?
Let's see, I have, like,
a very strong history
of playing it about twice
when I was about 12,
so I really know what I'm doing.
Well, in case you're
rusty on this since 12, this is, you know,
it's an analog video game
using this guy's crazy brain
as a processor.
- He tells us everything - that happens.
- We tell him everything - we want to do.
He rolls dice and cites rules
to tell us whether or not we succeed.
- Really, what it is like - bad improv at a table
With pieces of paper
in front of each other.
Without further ado, Spencer, take us away.
Let's quest!
[cheers and applause]
Join our heroes now in a long,
- golden gem-encrusted - hallway.
As you walk, the only sound
you hear is your own footsteps.
But the silence is pierced by the sound
of a voice speaking from behind you.
Uh... I'm a sword.
Aghh!
- Get... get me out - of this sheath.
- I can't breathe - in this sheath.
- I turned around - and looked towards
- Where the voice - is coming from.
The voice is coming from
one of Fondue's scabbards.
I slowly draw it.
Hello?
Oh, it feels so good to be out.
- Shh. - Ohh!
[speaking gibberish]
Hey, little sword, but what's your name?
James Dean.
Well, how come you've waited
so long to start speaking?
You've been in that scabbard for some time.
Sure, I was knocked out
and put into the scabbard.
So I just woke up.
- Huh. - Wow.
- Do you have any - magical powers?
Like, is there... What does a talking sword
- give you that - other swords don't?
Let's see, I have
all kinds of spells and stuff.
Ooh, Yeah, like a Holy Blast.
[laughs]
She seems pretty cocky
about that Holy Blast.
Yeah.
- I'm looking forward - to seeing it.
- That blast is holy. - Yeah.
- If I know anything - about anything,
It's that talking swords always have very
complicated origin stories.
Oh, absolutely.
I was bounced around from
sword home to sword home.
- Oh. - Foster swords.
- All kinds of things, - you know?
I went to Catholic all-sword school.
It was terrible.
How many people have you
killed or beasts or creatures?
342.
Wow.
And do you... just personally,
do you take credit for that?
- Oh, absolutely. - Yeah, okay.
- It's all me. - Swords kill people.
People don't kill people.
It's the sword.
It's controversial.
Well, Boneweevil,
- see what we're up - against in that next room
And maybe James Dean
will get to kill more people.
Spencer:
You see several cultists
hauling large wooden buckets full of blood.
They're pouring the blood from the buckets
into a large marble basin.
Other cultists are
drawing stuff on the floor
and spreading magical reagents
and powders around as if preparing
for a great ritual.
Let's kill them.
Okay. I like that.
That's what I'm here for.
I like that.
I run towards the cultists.
Hey, stop it!
Stop it!
I have no-stop!
How did you get in here?
Uh, well, I mean, a series
of riddles and handjobs.
We're going to kill you guys.
And here's why.
Because you've left
a wake of death in your wake.
[laughter]
And you know what?
I'm not a speech-maker.
I'm a... I'm a sword-wielder.
As you wield your magical sword, a spirit
conjures into being.
It looks like a slight
young woman named James Dean.
Unless you want to identify as a man.
It's... it's really
up to you in this instance.
Thank you so much.
- I really appreciate - the opportunity.
- That is nice. - I identify as a female sword.
Thank you.
I could tell from the hilt.
Thank you.
A shimmering armored
figure springs into being.
It seems to be the spirit of the sword.
- Oh! - Oh, what's happening?
I'm turning into this thing
that's going to help you out.
I have, like, a spirit body
and armor and stuff.
- Hey, Heralds - of the Manticore,
What has two thumbs and is about to die?
Uh... Wait, what has way more thumbs
than that, ten thumbs, and is about to die?
And then you guys also have
to point at yourselves with your thumbs.
It's you guys.
What has one sword
and is going to kill you?
That's easier.
Me.
And I'm all out of gum.
[applause]
Yah-hee!
I'm attacking.
You swing your blade, dealing 14 damage
to the Bugbear Cultist.
Slice to see you.
[laughter]
What the fuck, man?
Where's Synax?
Where's he at?
This is some bullshit.
You see... you see a jackal-headed cultist
run in from a side room.
He's panting.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
But you're too late!
You see, the mystical runestones
have the power
to supercharge magical energy
to control and bind portals
and to give life.
Get it?
If we combine them together
with a touch of blood magic,
we can collectively break the boundaries
between life and death
and resurrect our dark lord.
I start drinking the blood.
What the... I start drinking - the blood.
- You start - drinking the blood,
- But after two or three - swallows,
You start vomiting into the blood.
I got into a Barbarian Rage.
You do that.
[singing gibberish]
I'm gonna take out
my short sword, New Friend, and I'm going
to hack at the jackal.
You hack at the jackal.
It's a critical hit.
Boneweevil: Yeah!
Dealing 25 damage.
Jesus.
Whoa!
The Cultists leap into action.
The Bugbear who Fondue
attacked attacks back.
But he misses.
Two of the cultists circle around Buer.
Their hands crackling with dark energy.
One of them touches you,
dealing five damage.
I use my Far Sword at this point.
- Well, your sword - that became a thing,
An entity, you have your own sword?
I also have a sword.
- Pulling a sword - of sheer energy,
You conjure it and swing it in a clean arc,
dealing 14 damage.
The Bugbear explodes into pieces.
- Nice. - [cheers and applause]
I start shooting more arrows
at the other cultists.
Shooting the wounded
cultist with your arrow,
- you strike him - right in the...
This is right in the face.
Good job.
Dealing 25 damage.
Whoa!
He drops to his knees and falls on his face
as blood leaks out.
Synax is like... What's going on?
This is terrible.
He starts channeling negative energy
- that arcs out - in all directions.
It might hit you if you fail
a save, which you are.
Uncanny Dodge!
Okay, yeah.
Everybody but Rhea fails their save.
All three of you guys take 19 damage.
Wah!
I come swooping around from behind Synax,
the jackal-headed dude,
with my golden rapier and lunge,
and, like, try to just stick him
right through the liver.
Your swing goes a bit wide
and you stick him in the kidney instead.
Oh.
He takes 18 damage.
Still counts.
Let's see, I brandish by great sword
- to take out - the rest of the cultists.
- You're just - brandishing it though?
No, I'm swinging it around.
Swinging around the sword, you strike
one of the lesser cultists.
He's a thin, graying man.
- Ohh, Jesus. - Jesus.
I feel kind of bad about...
Dealing 13 damage to his brittle bone.
Oh. Oh.
Wow.
Synax!
What?
Now you die.
Yaah!
You swing your Bastard Sword
with mastered strength.
It deals 11 damage to Synax.
Ohh.
[applause]
Synax, he staggers back.
He's bleeding pretty heavily.
He's like... Oh, I got to take a minute.
He touches himself.
- Gross. - No, no, no.
He's rubbing his body as white lightning
spreads throughout it, knitting his wounds.
- His white lightning. - All right.
And clotting his blood
as he gains 17 health back.
Okay, I turn towards Synax
and I take New Friend and I try to go
right through the snout.
You slice a great blow right on his nose
as it slices his nose clean off.
Now that's a Synax infection.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
You see?
He... he takes seven damage.
I run at Synax, and aim straight
with my golden rapier at his pancreas.
This guy's so clinical.
You lunge with the rapier,
but Synax steps neatly to the side
as if he predicted your approach.
Whoa.
The old man hobbles over.
He starts poking at you with a dagger.
Hey, hey.
- The old man stabs you - for three damage.
I take my Bastard Sword,
which I assume I'm holding.
Mm-hmm.
And I just like... I want
to like... I do want to like...
I want to put it right in his face.
Like... like... like...
Like through his mouth
and through the back of his head
just to end it fast.
Doing those things,
you stab him right in the mouth
as he takes 20 damage and gurgles blood
as it spills all over the floor.
It seemed like a good idea.
He flops to the floor, dead old man.
- Oh. - I... But... well, but before you
could do that thing
- you were about to say - you wanted to do,
You hear the stomping and
clanking of plate mail armor.
Fools, you have failed me
for the last time.
A dark-armored figure comes into view
from a hidden doorway.
He raises his glove, and red
energy surrounds his hands, and you can see
all the blood coagulating
from the fallen corpses
of the cultists and fly,
streaming through the air and
pouring into the marble tub.
[dramatic music]
- Oh, shit, we... - We gave him the extra blood.
- They were out of blood - and we killed...
It's like "The Gift"
"of the Magi" but worse.
Synax, you will pay for your failure
with your life essence.
He clenches his fist, and Synax crumples
- like a paper ball - as all of his blood
Files out of his not-nose
and enter the marble tub.
It's almost completely full.
- Well, I'll - tell you one thing,
You're not getting any of this blood.
- [yells] - I run by him,
And I swipe at him with my magic dagger.
You find a chink in
his armor and you stab him.
His blood seeps out of his wounds.
He takes 17 damage.
Yep.
Vortheon raises his hands
- and conjures - a torrent of blood
From the bleeding wound he has in his side.
I mean, there's no winning here.
The blood torrent, it rushes towards you
like a large attack.
All right, I open my mouth.
Ahh!
- Well, you get hit right - in the face,
But everyone else takes no damage.
You take 14 damage, and you start bleeding.
Can anybody heal her?
'Cause if we keep bleeding,
- he's gonna finish his ritual - and we're screwed.
- Does anybody have - healing for her?
Yep, I think I can
cure wounds with a spell.
- Do it. - Right?
- Yeah. - Ahh, heal me!
You are healed for 15 damage.
Yeah. Does that stop...
Does that stop the bleeding?
It does, it knits
your wounds back together.
Way to go, Vortheon.
Looks like you're in
overdraft in the blood bank.
[laughter]
What's on the floor that I can pick up?
Dead people.
Okay.
I pick up the old man and I say...
Welcome to your retirement!
And I whip it towards the most
recent person who entered.
[yells]
You whip the old man around
- and fling him - right at Vortheon,
- But your shot goes wide - and he crumples into a pillar.
You hear an ear-splitting crack
as well as a muffled scream
as if maybe he wasn't quite dead.
[laughter and applause]
Oh.
He is now though.
Vortheon, he conjures
a spike of blood in his hand
and he stabs it right at you,
dealing seven damage as you
start bleeding once more.
Goddamn it.
I take out my orange potion.
You take it out.
I have a potion.
I don't know what it does.
Let's hope for the best.
- I hurl the potion - at Vortheon.
You hit it. It hits him
right in his armored head.
- Glass shatters - all over the place
As the orange fluid drips
inside of the helmet.
Sleep.
He seems - a little bit dizzy,
And then he starts floating into the air.
- Oh. - Oh.
- He's getting the handle - on his air legs.
Jesus Christ.
He starts floating around.
- Shit, give me - an orange potion.
- I only had... - I only had one.
He holds his hand out at Buer O'Shift.
You can feel the blood
that's bleeding out of you.
It's being ripped from you
at an incredible pace.
Aah!
You take ten damage as a large spike
forms of your blood and launches directly
at Boneweevil.
Jeez.
- It hits Boneweevil - directly in his chest,
- Dealing just... - Just four damage.
Okay, I can handle that.
The spirit version me deals a Holy Blast.
Yes! Here we go!
Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- You hit him - with a Holy Blast.
Flames engulf him as he takes 19 damage.
Yeah!
He seems to be woozy.
- He grabs... - He grabs his runestones.
He's got 'em, he's
clinching them in his fist,
and electrical energy starts
arcing out of the pills and starts going
into the blood basin.
It starts bubbling over.
It's a very unstable ritual,
- and you feel energy - crackling around you.
Everyone takes four damage
of just ambient magical energy.
There might not be enough blood,
but I'll make it work.
[laughs maniacally]
You can't even stop me
even when I'm almost dead.
I use my Minor Magic or my Telekinesis
and try to steal one of
the runestones out of his hand.
You start pulling it out of his hand,
- but he just closes - his hand harder.
All right, I... It's not that tough.
Can I use Telekinesis
to, like, tie his shoes together
or something like that?
He's wearing greaves.
[laughter]
Jeff, he's wearing greaves.
[laughs]
What are greaves.
They're plate mail shoes.
Oh, okay.
Composite longbow, pulling it back
to its utmost tautness.
Pachoo!
Sssssss.
- In rapid succession, - you fire off
Two quick arrows with deadly aims.
- Oh. - Yeah, man.
I use... I use... Hey, come on.
Will you... come on.
He takes nine damage.
I use Climb.
You climb up one of the pillars.
And I take out one of my bombs.
The bomb from
Hawaiian Coffee in the prison.
Yeah, and I hurl it at Vortheon.
Eeeeee!
It makes a high-pitched squealing sound
as it explodes on Vortheon's
chest, dealing 14 damage.
Yeah.
Ah-ha!
I will use my Fortitude and my Acrobatics
and my Far Sword,
because this sword is far.
Doing those things, you acrobatically
with great fortitude
unleash your Far Sword.
It hits him for 12 damage.
- It strikes him - directly in the chest,
Cleaving through his plate mail armor.
Great gouts of blood pour out of his chest
into the blood basin.
Goddamn it!
No!
Magical energy continues
to swirl around the ritual.
Vortheon, he's staggering.
He says... You know what?
You guys...
- I might have lost - a lot of blood,
But there's one thing I know about blood.
It's that I need more of it into this tub.
He... he clenches his fists once more,
and you can see his armor
crumpling in on itself
as all of his life blood flows out,
out of his body into the blood bath,
the ritual blood bath.
He laughs as he crumples to death.
- The blood bath... - Buer: Jesus!
It boils and roils
as magical energy explodes.
You see a blinding
white light as you're knocked by the impact
into the far walls.
Ohh.
- That guy really - believed in this.
Yeah, you kind of have to
admire that guy's work ethic.
Yeah.
- You see the three - Binding Runestones
Floating in the air,
swirling with blood energy as a hole rips
in the world.
It rips like a hole...
Like a portal... like a... A portal between
life and death itself.
And entering through the portal
walks a four-legged creature
emitting an aura so powerful
- that in your weakened - bleeding state,
You can't even move in its presence.
It has the body of a horse-sized jackal
with a strange human face
ringed by a tangly, spiky mane
bearing rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth
in its mouth.
It also has wings.
Anything else?
It's also got a scorpion tail.
Did I say that?
Oh, shit.
You know what that is?
What?
It's a Manticore.
Right?
Yes.
Whoa!
I am the Great Manticore.
Your world will end.
I will open the Demon Seal
and unleash darkness
upon this entire world, and there's nothing
you can do to stop it.
Enjoy the last seconds
your world has in one piece.
The Manticore, it flexes its muscles
before floating up in the air.
Guys, I got this.
Using all of the karma that I've acquired,
I grab the magical sword and I throw it,
my ancestors'
strength be true.
It strikes directly in
the butt and sticks fast.
Gotcha!
It floats up into the air
- and just crashes - through the ceiling
And then another ceiling
and then another ceiling
as it breaks through out of the dungeon
that you're in.
It floats up into the air and flies off.
Oh.
Directly towards Earthscar Village.
Oh, we could have just stayed there.
We would have given them
two less runestones.
Let's just take this moment
to reflect on how bad
we are at our jobs here.
You can see the sword
spirit's form flickering as the sword gets
farther and farther away.
James Dean, you're leaving?
I have to leave.
- I have to go back - into the sword.
I didn't think... I thought it
would kill the Manticore.
- Sure. - I didn't think I was...
He's definitely not into it,
so it's gonna to make him
at least very bummed for quite sometime.
- I feel like you guys - can catch up to him.
- Can we ask one - noble favor of you?
Can you, while you're stuck in his butt,
- is there any spell - you can cast
- While he's flying - towards our home village
- And maybe you can do some - more damage and maybe...
Sure, I will cast
a Hammer of Light in his butt.
[laughter]
Light enters his anus as
your spiritual form disburses.
Oh.
Good-bye, James Dean.
Good-bye.
- All right, so is there - anything else in the room
That's of any value
or anything that we could use
- or, like, take with us - or anything?
You do see the three arcane
runestones lying on the ground.
- Why would he leave - the runestones here?
- Or he didn't need them anymore. - Yeah, I guess they're
Like earplugs after a concert, you know?
Is my runestone... Is my runestone
that was my necklace there?
Yeah, it is.
Okay, I pick that up.
You pick it up.
- Let's each of us... - Fondue, you take one.
I'll take one too, so we each
have one of the runestones.
Oh, I guess.
But would Fondue ever be reunited
with James Dean the sword?
And what of the Manticore's ominous threat?
Can our heroes save their village
or even get there before the Manticore
unleashes hell on earth?
Find out next time on "HarmonQuest."
[cheers and applause]
- Rhea Butcher, everybody. - Yeah!
Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, our Game Master
Spencer Crittenden.
I am Harmon.
This has been my quest,
but there's one episode left.
We'll see you in the final episode.
[cheers and applause]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Did you get any of that?
It's-a good-a show!
[upbeat accordion music]