Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Judy, night before the wedding,
- any last words as a virgin? - Ha, ha, very funny.
This is your wedding video.
You'll have this for the rest of your life.
So, how are you feeling?
- Um... good. Nervous. But good. - Go on.
Um... OK. Well, I'd just like to say, I'm really excited...
All right, that's fine. You do me. Sit down.
So, it's the night before Judy's wedding and welcome to me!
I want to wish the happy couple a lovely honeymoon in Wales.
In fact, when I asked Leo what he had planned after today,
he said he's going to Bangor for a fortnight. Hoo-ahh!
- What do you think? - No.
Ooh, what have we got here?
Hello. It's the seating plan.
Mum, it's a buffet. People can sit where they like.
Oh, you say that.
But it's very dangerous to let Uncle Walter
sit next to Hazel from the dry cleaner's.
You know what happened last time with that chocolate éclair.
Leo's only had one girlfriend prior to Judy.
I'm glad to say that they kept in touch for over two years.
But then my mam wanted a vac with a bit more suction.
No.
All right, all done?
I once read that the best man's speech
should be no longer than it takes
the happy couple to make love.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr and Mrs MacDonald.
Drop the mike.
No, no, no and, er... no!
You all right, love?
I'm OK. A few butterflies in my tummy.
Aw. Have you been to the toilet?
Who'd have thought it? I still can't quite believe my luck.
Oh, it's not luck, love. You deserve it all.
Leo is a very lucky young man, and don't you ever forget that.
Oh, Mum.
Nah, you'll have to do it again. My battery died. Wait there.
I'll put Charlie on the sofa tonight.
I'd put him in with James
but the poor lad's been through enough in his life already.
Thanks, Mam.
Here, give us that. I'll run the iron over it.
Get the underwear I told you to?
Yes, Mam.
Special wedding pants, wedding socks, wedding shirt.
Did you pick up my suit from the dry cleaner's?
- What? - Oh, Mam, tell us you didn't?
- Leo. - Ah, Mam, I'm joking.
What do you think that is, my tracksuit?
Before I forget, this is for you.
- What's this? - It's a letter.
Yes, I can see that. Who's it from?
It's from me to you.
Mam, I'm right here. You could just tell us.
We could just have a conversation.
Some things, Leo, you just want to put in writing.
No, don't open it now.
The food's about to arrive. Wait till later.
Where's Jackie?
- Upstairs shaving her legs. - Oh.
Can you not hear her hedge trimmer?
Oh, Dean, you're a cheeky monkey, you are.
- It's dead. - What is?
- The boiler. - Oh, yeah. I meant to say,
it's not been working all day.
Mum! You know what's happening tomorrow?
Course I do, love.
No shower, no bath. I'm getting married with greasy hair. Great!
Dean, have a look at it, will you?
I'll take a look, but I don't really know anything about hair.
Charlie, try some of that. It's named after Pam.
- What is it? - Sweet and sour.
- Mam's more of a prawn cracker. - Thank you, James.
- Leo, you're a crispy squid. - What does that even mean?
And you, Tony, are a big thick noodle.
Oh!
Give us that back.
Oh, what's this? A letter from the blushing bride?
It's none of your business, James. It's personal.
- Between me and Leo. - It's an invoice.
Back payment of rent. 26 years' board and lodging.
What did you write him a letter for?
Because I wanted to, Charlie.
There was a few things I...
wanted to say to Leo the night before his wedding.
Sex tips for keeping the magic alive.
No.1, turn the lights out. No.2, get a bag on your head.
Don't sleep with Mam's boss.
- Oh, look. - What?
Chicken's cracking. These are good.
I bet you're relaxing,
candles lit, playing some Norah Jones and sipping cocktails.
I'm in the middle of a nightmare.
What's happened?
Boiler packed up. There's no hot water or heating.
- What's the matter? - Hang on.
Mam, I can't hear you when I'm on the phone.
Oh, forgive me for caring about my son and his future wife.
I do apologise.
I haven't even been able to wash my hair.
They've no hot water.
- I don't know what to do. - Can they not fix it?
- Tell her to come here. - Hang on, lovely. What?
Tell her to come here. You know what I always say...
Always use a coaster. That's what they're there for.
Family first.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely. No problem at all.
Hey!
- Pam. You're an angel. - Howay, man, come in.
Oh! Peggy as well.
And Jackie.
Nobody else, then? Pied Piper having a night off, is he?
Out of consideration for you, Pam,
I've sent Dean to kip at his brother's tonight.
That's thoughtful of you, Jackie.
Family first, eh, Pam?
Sod off, Tony.
All right, everybody? Come on!
Losers. Right...
Oh, I don't like it, I don't like it.
The ambassador's party, round nine.
- Three! - What have we got here?
What have you got?
Tortilla chip. One. Easy.
No.2. Strawberry ice cream.
Oh, come on.
No.3...
- Mushy peas. - No. No!
Bottle it.
Why, Ambassador, with this, you are really spoiling us!
Bottle it.
How's it going?
Oh, just wonderful.
It's just a pity Jackie doesn't feel she can relax enough
to let her hair down.
That was the best cheese toastie I've ever had.
My pleasure, Peggy.
Mm. It melted in my mouth.
I loved the toast,
but shall I tell you what I really loved?
The cheese?
- Yes! Mm. Delicious! - It was my pleasure, Peggy.
- Like another one, Peggy? - Oh, no, Pam.
That's not what I mean at all.
Are you sure you wouldn't like another cheese toastie, Peggy?
Oh, go on, you've twisted my arm.
You doing anything nice tomorrow, or?
Well, let's see. Um... No, I don't think I am.
Oh, wait a minute!
- I'm getting married. - Oh, yeah!
Hey, are the bride and groom supposed to spend
their last night of freedom together?
Think we're tempting fate?
Well, you know me. Mad, crazy, daredevil, anarchist...
- Do you want a cup of coffee? - At this time of night?
Judy, I've put you in Leo's room tonight.
- I was in my room tonight. - It's my room!
Excuse me?
It's neither of yours, it's Judy's.
That room is now the bridal suite and it's fit for a queen.
At least, it will be when you clear your pizza boxes
- from under the bed. - Sorry.
And you, Leo, can shift some of your stuff. Make space for Judy.
- Eh? - Go on!
Have you got your suit ready for tomorrow?
- Pam got me one from Oxfam. - Oh, that's nice.
And I gave it to Age Concern.
I wonder if I'll ever get married.
Charlie, you're only 20. You've your whole life ahead of you.
Yeah, I suppose you're right. I mean, there's no rush, is there?
I used to think having a girlfriend
was the most important thing in the world.
But actually, when you've got people around you
who accept you for who you are,
then the rest... the rest can wait.
Come here!
How was that for you, Peggy? All right?
- Very nice. - Can I get you something else?
No. I won't put you to any more trouble, Pam.
Good.
Just a quick Baileys, and I'll call it a night.
Tony, a drink for our guest.
Family first.
So... You've read it?
Mm-hm.
And?
Mam, are you sure you wrote this?
You cheeky bugger, of course I did.
"Leo, I'm so happy for you.
I hope Judy will love and cherish you
as I have since you were a little boy."
True.
"I only want the best for you...
I hope you remember to clean the bath after you."
Well, I know that's you.
"I'm your mam, and I'll always be your mam,
but there comes a time when mams have to make way
as the No.1 woman in their little boy's life,
stand aside and let someone else take their place.
All my love, Mam."
And I really do mean it.
Mam.
I don't know what to say.
Give us a minute, will you, please, Judy?
I'm just having a chat with my son.
Sorry!
What?
- Pam? - Mm.
I can't sleep.
Have you tried counting sheep?
No, but I'm on the wrong side.
- Eh? - Of the bed.
I normally sleep on that side.
Well, I normally sleep with my husband, Peggy,
so let's just make do, eh?
But I won't be able to sleep.
Pam.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Thanks.
Much better.
- Pam? - What?
I normally have the radio on low. Just till I drift off.
Pam?
Jimmy, man!
Wasn't me. Promise.
It came from your direction.
Well, this room has really strange acoustics...
...acoustics... acoustics...
Oh!
- Judy? - Just getting a glass of water.
How's my bed doing?
Oi! That's my bed.
Well, no, I paid for it, so technically...
You wasn't the only one that got evicted.
- What are you doing? - Pam, for goodness' sake!
- Judy's been kidnapped. - Oh, shut up, Jimmy.
She's getting a glass of water.
You've jinxed things!
It'll be game over if you see each other after midnight, man.
- Get upstairs, man. - Ow, ahh.
Lads, since we're all awake, I need to tell you something,
and it's important.
- Is it about a hat? - It certainly is.
Tomorrow, when you see your mam's hat, just say,
"That's the best hat I've ever seen. I love it."
- Is it a good one? - Best ever.
Oh, Jimmy.
- Jimmy, man! - Ugh!
- Morning. - Morning!
I'd leave it a few minutes if I were you.
Not a problem. When you live with Leo your nostrils adapt.
- Er... no cutting in! - I'm sorry, but...
It's like the deli counter at Morrisons.
We should have a little ticket system.
- And I'm No.1. - Jackie is definitely No.2.
- Leo, there's a queue. - Hello! It's my wedding day...
Right this way, sir!
Thank you.
Dear God!
Oh... you've got to be kidding me!
Pamela. After you.
Good. I should think so. Thank you.
Cue Pam, cue Pam.
Actually, James, I'm happy to wait.
No. Dad. No, Dad. Please!
Come in.
- Yoo-hoo! - Oh, morning!
Careful with that makeup brush. It's not a paint roller.
- Have I put too much on? - Well...
Why, no, man, I'm only winding you up.
You look gorgeous.
I've got something for you...
- Oh, wow. - Something old.
Oh, Pam. That's lovely.
It was my mam's.
Oh, don't wear it. It's only silver plate.
Your neck'll be all black and hacky
by the time you get to the church.
Something new...
Well, sorry,
I was a bit stuck on that one.
Something borrowed...
Oh, Pam, that's lovely.
It's mine. It's vintage, so I'll want it back.
And finally, something blue...
I struggled a bit with that one as well.
Thanks, Pam.
- And Judy... - Yeah?
Thank you for making Leo so happy.
Thank you all for coming.
I'd like to thank the beautiful bridesmaid.
My God!
- Is my thing straight? - No.
It is now.
- Tony! - Yes, love.
- Whose is this buttonhole? - That'll be Jimmy's.
Nice hat.
Best ever.
- Oh, look at the two of you! - Ta-da!
Last time I had two men come to my door
as smartly dressed as this,
they were delivering a summons to your dad.
Very dapper, Charlie.
Thank you. Collar's a bit tight, though. It's not comfortable.
Oh, comfort's the last thing to worry about. Look at Tony.
Have to call the council to get that suit off him.
- Where are you going? - To move Peggy's car.
Peggy... Oh, hi! Is it OK if I move your car?
You're blocking my dad's in.
Oh, you leave that to me, love. I'll do it.
- Come here. - Oh, I love your hat, Pam!
Is it a sombrero?
- Ha! - No, Peggy, it isn't.
Aw, never mind. I know where I'll be standing if it rains.
A sombrero?
- It's the best hat I've seen. - D'you think?
- Aye. - Er...
Jackie! How's the bride? OK?
Fine. Why are you asking me?
- Because you're the bridesmaid. - Oh...
- Pam? Have you any paracetamol? - Mam!
Ow! Ow, my foot!
Oh, what happened?
Get her away from me! I mean it!
You ran over Pam's foot!
Pam! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you!
How did you not see the hat?
Peggy, you are without doubt the biggest idiot I've ever met.
Get in the car, Pam. Take your shoe off.
I'll take it off and hit her over the bloody head with it.
You're not just an idiot, you're an idiot's idiot.
It was an accident, Mam. Don't worry, she doesn't mean it.
No, Peggy, I take it back. You're a bloody liability.
Pam! That's enough.
I'll take you up the A&E, get it sorted.
Thank you, Peggy. Thank you very very much!
Mum?
Mum!
Leave me alone.
Mum, please, will you come out of there?
I think it's better if I don't.
I've ruined your big day. Oh...
I'm so stupid.
Look, you haven't ruined anything.
Well, maybe Pam's foot, but I'm sure she'll be fine.
You go on. I'll stay here.
Someone's left a Sudoku book in here, so I'll be all right.
Mum, I'm not getting married without you being there.
You all right?
Not bad. Oh, don't you look smart?
Are you coming on to me again?
Wait, can you hear that?
What is it? Oh, it's the sound of my tiny heart breaking.
Two seconds. Hello...
- Quite something, isn't it? - Tell you what,
Wetherspoons could do wonders with this place.
Spent quite a bit of time in here over the years.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. The amount of pigeon shit
that collects on that stained glass...
full-time job in itself, mate.
That was Dad. They're on the way.
He said, "Nothing broken
except the spirit of the staff at A&E."
Mum. Today isn't just about me. It's about you as well.
Think of everything we've been through together to get here.
Everything that I've ever done,
you've been there beside me all the way.
So if you think that I'm
going to get married without you there to see it,
then you've got it all wrong.
- Mum! - Leave me alone.
- Wow. You look... wow. - You too, James.
- Really? You think so? - Yeah, you look very smart.
Thank you. I don't suppose you fancy...
- Don't push it. - Great.
How are you getting on up there, Judy?
- Hi. - Hi, Pam.
Hello.
- I feel like a bloody yeti. - You're fine.
I look ridiculous.
You've never looked better from the knee up.
- What the hell happened to you? - Peggy.
She nicked your shoe?
Yes, Anj, she nicked my shoe
and I decided to replace it with a medical support boot.
No, man, she ran over my foot with her bloody cake van.
You'd think wearing a flying saucer on your head,
folks'd see you coming.
Fancy going back to the hospital, Tony?
- No, love. - Good. Shut up.
In you come.
Hiya.
- Any luck? - She won't budge.
I know how to deal with her when she's like this. Let me.
Mum.
Oh...
- Where the hell's Judy? - On her way.
- You said that 12 seconds ago. - Chill, bro, it'll be fine.
If not, you've a great "I was jilted on my wedding day" story.
Oh, my God. This is now officially a total disaster.
What am I going to tell everyone? She's not coming?
We'll just slip out the back. We don't need to say a word.
Any second now she'll walk through that door.
- Who's that? - Who cares?
It isn't Judy, is it? Sorry.
Never thought I'd be so happy to see Jackie.
- She's coming. Hit it. - Agh!
- What's that for? - The music, numbnut!
- Oh... - Don't tell me...
- Just kidding. - Prick.
Battery's dead. Got any?
Yeah, just in my pocket. Just a second.
- Oh, they must have fallen out! - Ssh!
- Do we even need music? - Yes, Jimmy!
What's the hold-up?
- No music. - What, no music at all?
Jesus Christ...
Sorry.
All rise.
You owe me big time!
Please be seated.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll