Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Tony, did you know, the youngest person to transition was 16?
Kim Petras.
Right. Good to know.
And here's another fact...
Are you listening?
I didn't know that. Interesting.
It says here that Laverne Cox was the first...
...first transgender to be nominated for an Emmy.
I know! You told us last night, man.
Well, there's no harm in being better educated, Tony.
And there's no harm in getting a good night's sleep either, Pam.
Look, Judy and Leo know they've got our support.
There's no need to go all trans Mastermind, is there?
I'm sorry. You're right. Go back to sleep.
Oh, my God, listen to this.
- A blue trouser suit? - Age appropriate.
Tasteful. Ideal for someone your age to get married in.
You remind me of somebody.
- Who? - German. What's her name?
This could take a while.
- Claudia Schiffer. - No.
Oh, what's she called? Always right smart dressed...
- Eva Braun. - No!
- Oh. I know who it is! - Who?
Angela Merkel.
Oi!
"Top 50 alternate wedding ideas for an unforgettable wedding."
- Give us that back. - Please let's go abroad.
A wedding on a beach. Sun, sea, bridesmaids in bikinis.
Judy still thinking of asking Jackie to be a bridesmaid?
Well, sun and sea anyway.
- Hi, love. - Hi, Mam.
Hello, Mother. How's your day been?
Oh, just wonderful...
Four spiral perms,
an asymmetric bob on a woman
who refused to take off her neck brace
and an ear piercing
on an eight-year-old girl called Aerial.
And believe you me, if you'd seen the size of the hoops
her mother was trying to shove in,
never has a name been more apt.
Dinner is served, madam.
Ooh! More leftovers from the café, Tony?
- I wouldn't say leftovers. - What would you say?
- Waste, bilge, shi... - Leftovers is fine.
- I'm really not sure. I... - I think you look great.
I'm telling you, when Leo sees you walking down that aisle
- the sparks will fly. - She's not wrong, Judy.
- 100% polyester, this is. - Yeah, all right, Gok Wan.
I suppose a little bit in here,
- and a little bit out there... - It's smashing.
With a pair of high heels and your long legs,
- you'll look like... - A tall Angela Merkel.
So, Leo, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Judy's trying on dresses with her mam and Jackie.
- Oh, good luck with that, then. - Mam!
Well, howay, Leo. They're not exactly fashion gurus, are they?
I mean, one of them feels overdressed
if she's got her knickers on.
And the other one, bless her,
looks like she was stitched into that anorak in 1983
and naebody's bothered to cut her free.
Tony, this is a family meal, not Man Versus Food.
- What do you think? - Wow. That's major.
It's just one of my ideas for the wedding cake.
I was thinking a castle might be nice
so I copied a picture I found on the internet.
Then you can have the fairytale prince and princess figurines
of Leo and Judy up on the turrets.
- So who's this, then? - Oh, that's Jackie.
I put her lower down so she doesn't topple it.
Are you sure it's big enough, Mum?
Hm. Oh, here he is.
All right? All right, Charlie, love?
- All right, sweetheart. - Looks like Colditz!
Oh, it is!
Come on, Charlie. We need to go.
Where are you off to?
- Tony's cooking tea. - Oh, that's a shame.
Why, were you going to do us something?
- No. - OK. See you soon. Bye.
- See yous later. - See you.
- Good day? - Exhausting.
An infestation at the Chinese on Lowerfield Square.
Kitchens hadn't been cleaned for weeks. Disgusting, it was.
Oh, love, you must be knackered. Shall I fix you something?
I've eaten. I was given a sweet and sour pork as a thank you.
Oh, nice.
I meant to say,
I was chatting to Anji today about places for the reception.
Anywhere in mind?
A few thoughts. We're working on it.
What about the function room at the Territorial Army?
You know, where you did that yoga class and that woman
- farted in your face? - No, James.
We haven't decided yet. We'll see a few places tomorrow.
Oh, OK, fair enough.
- What places? - I don't know!
Jackie's got somewhere in mind.
We're going to see it tomorrow with Peggy.
Of course.
Well, so long as they're getting their tuppenceworth in,
that's fine.
- Hi! - Hi.
Sorry we're late.
- Have I missed the food? - 'Fraid not, Charlie.
There's a plate for you in the oven.
- How did you get on? - Oh, don't ask.
Judy, cottage pie? There's a hammer and chisel in the shed
if the knife and fork don't hack it.
I'm fine, thanks, Pam.
Leo said you're going to look at some venues
for the reception tomorrow?
Well, we'll see how it goes, yeah.
We um... actually quite fancy the Nelson.
The Nelson. Where the beer's cold and the welcome warm.
- Or is it the other way round? - Hey, listen.
There's nowt wrong with the Nelson.
- Runs a good buffet, does Mike. - Mike couldn't run a bath, man.
More's the pity, state of his fingernails.
We just want somewhere low-key, that's all.
Low key?
Well, the Nelson's certainly low-key, I'll give you that.
Not exactly what me and Anji were thinking.
- What's it got to do with Anji? - Pam, we were thinking...
Anji and I were thinking, why not have it at the Franklin?
Mm! The Franklin? That's well pukka.
Exactly.
It's where the footballers made that sex tape.
It's the best hotel in Newcastle.
You say that,
but the lighting in that room doesn't look too good.
I've got connections there, as it happens.
I'm good friends with the assistant...
- Janitor. ...manager.
- Really? - Monica.
She comes in the salon.
If Anji's eczema's bad,
then it's always me she gets to shampoo her.
Well, we'll have a think about it, Pam.
Mind, it's quite a hike from the registry office.
- Eh, Leo? - Thank you, Jimmy.
Registry office? What registry office?
Well, we were thinking of getting married
in a registry office.
Anybody got any problems with that?
No. Not me.
Cue Pam, cue Pam...
Well, actually, I have, as it happens.
Pam, we got married in a registry office.
Exactly. And they're just not the same, are they?
I mean, not with your plastic flowers
and your Venetian blinds...
The fact you're behind on your council tax
and might get nobbled on the way in.
Look, would everybody please just stop?
It's our wedding. We'll sort it.
If we want anybody's opinion we'll ask for it, OK?
- Fine. Absolutely fine. - Thank you.
In fact, it's probably just as well they haven't got a date,
a venue or anything resembling a plan.
- Eh? - Well, it'll give you time
to stop stuffing your face and get to the gym.
I mean, call me old-fashioned,
but I would quite like to be photographed at Leo's wedding
on the arm of my husband,
not helping the paramedics winch him in before the vows start.
I mean the Franklin.
- That's the place, Pam. - I know.
- Celebrity hotspot. - I know.
I've seen people from Geordie Shore being sick outside.
I know!
But apparently it might be "too far from the registry office".
The registry office.
They're going for that, are they?
- Well, I suppose... - What?
Can you get married in a church if you're trans?
Yep. Gender Recognition Act 2004, Anji.
I mean, there might be a few sniffy responses,
but I would just speak to the vicar at St Matthias.
He pretty cool, is he?
Well, he's in no place to judge.
His son was born with webbed toes,
and it's only thanks to the marvels of modern medicine
that the lad can even look at a flip-flop.
This whole thing is supposed to be a celebration.
I mean, I thought your lesbians and your gays
and your trans, and all that crowd
loved a bit of glamour and a right old knees-up.
It's up to them, I suppose.
I wanted to be in OK! Magazine. I could see it clearly.
"Church wedding for local lad
who marries transgender partner 15 years his senior."
I meant a picture of me in the pale green hat
that I showed you off the Debenhams website.
But, hey ho.
Hello, Cloud 99.
Oh, hello, Joan.
Yes, I've got you down for an upper lip and forearm.
I'll never forget my wedding reception. What a day that was.
Your gran just cried from beginning to end.
Aw, bless her.
She was a very emotional person.
Plus, I think the fact that I was three months pregnant
made it like a sort of double celebration for her.
Honestly, why don't we see if the Nelson's available?
We'd be happy there.
- Yeah. Feels like us. - Aw, that's boring.
Don't get me wrong, Leo, I like the Nelson.
It's cheap, good location.
But Mike's selection of crisps leaves a lot to be desired.
You need somewhere a bit lively. Somewhere people will remember.
They'll say, "Leo and Judy's wedding, I'll never forget it."
- A country and western bar? - Yee-hah!
- All right, Dean? - All right, Charlie lad!
- Come in. - Is Peggy in?
She's not. Her and Jackie are away out.
- Oh, right. - What did you want her for?
It's fine. Judy asked her to look out a book for me.
Right. I reckon they'll be back about tea time.
Nah, I'm busy. I've got a hot date.
- What, with a girl? - No, with a hamster.
Of course with a girl.
And she's, you know, legit?
- She's a girl girl? - Yes!
Oh, well done. That's good, isn't it?
Tell you what, fingers crossed, you never know.
Tonight... it could be your lucky night, son, eh?
So say, you know, you do, hit it off...
Yes?
...and, you know, you're thinking
might want to carry this on a little bit tonight...
How would that work exactly?
- You're thinking about cock. - Well, obv... What?
You're thinking about cock.
You're thinking, do trans men have cocks?
What are you? I'm what?
Come on, mate. Let's get the kettle on.
We need to have a chat.
- It was quite dark, wasn't it? - Yeah.
And it had a sort of musty smell.
Yeah.
And there were a lot of groups of men in tight denim
with a sort of hungry look in their eye.
What did you think, Jackie?
Oh, I agree, couldn't fault it.
Sorry, Jackie, but there is no way we're having it in there.
Well, what about the bowling club where I had mine?
Cheap bar, plenty of space for a buffet
and the grass out front is lovely and flat
if you need to lie down and sober up.
No.
We could just have it at ours.
If I shove all the furniture back
there's plenty of room for dancing.
Let's just keep looking. We'll find somewhere.
- Oi! - Oh, hello!
I don't think so.
OK. So we've got this bit that comes off the arm.
- Are you with me? - Yeah.
Cool. And then this all gets stretched out.
And then they roll it up.
And it's got all that fleshy stuff inside
- that makes it like muscle. - Like a pig in a blanket! Ha!
- "Ha!" - Sorry.
And then you've got these.
- Where have these come from? - These are implants.
Right, right. They're too round though. More oval.
And make one a bit bigger than the other one.
- Somebody's getting into this! - Huh...
- And these would go in your... - Your sac.
- Scrotum. - Exactly.
And in here, one of them, you would have your pump.
- Your pump? - Yeah. So you can, you know...
- Right, so you can do a wee! - No!
So you can...
- No. - Yeah.
- No! - Yeah.
You mean... you want a little thingy...
and you give it a little pump, and it goes "fff-fff"!
Oh, ho, bloody hell! Hey, don't tell Jackie.
She'll have me up the hospital getting one fitted in no time.
They're cutting it a bit fine.
Most places are booked up years in advance.
That's what I keep telling them, Anji.
Nobody cares what I think.
You'll never guess where Leo's suggested.
Where?
The Nelson.
- Oh, no. - Yep.
The Nelson's... Well, it's...
- It's a bit of a shit hole. - Yes. Thank you, Dorothy.
And as for Mike's hygiene...
Yes, yes. It's not the freshest.
Freshest? He's a manky little bastard.
Make a bit more sense?
Yeah. It's one of those things, know what I mean?
You don't like to ask.
That's cool.
- At least you know now, eh? - That's right.
Dean Mullen, specialist subject: Vermin control
and people who've had sex changes.
Transgender, mate. People who are transgender.
Transgender, sorry. Got it.
I tell you what. Bet it must have been sore though.
I go in a bit too close with the clippers
and I'm on the baggy undies sometimes, never mind all that.
Well, um... I wouldn't know.
You what?
I wouldn't know, cos I've not had it done.
Why not?
Because I don't know if I want to.
- But you've got to, don't you? - Says who?
Whoa, whoa, this is too much. So you've had?
But you haven't had?
So you're half half, then?
There. Off you go, Dorothy. Enjoy!
- Hiya. - Hey. Here he is.
- Hi, Anji. - Hiya.
Dare I ask how it went today?
Good, yeah. Not decided yet, but a few options.
Good. Good.
I just wanted to say sorry if I was short with you last night.
It's just, there's so much going on, and... you know,
people with different ideas of what we should and shouldn't do.
I just... I stressed myself out a bit, and I'm sorry.
Ah, you're all right. Come here. Give us a hug.
Ah, look at the state of you!
What?
Look at the state of those brows, Anj.
Oh, Leo. Cristiano Ronaldo wouldn't be seen dead
with that sort of growth going on.
What you playing at, man?
Plonk yourself in that seat and I will fix you up.
- Oh, no, I'm... - No, no, no. Come on. Come on.
Now, Anj, normally I would thread.
But I think it might be easier
if I just tweeze these little stragglers.
Aargh!
It's such a shame
you haven't found anywhere you like.
But never mind,
at least you've got Peggy and Jackie to help you.
Ow! Right, that's enough. What the?
- Pin him down, Anj. - What on?
- Now, if it was up to me... - It's not up to you!
Of course it's not! Silly me!
- Ow! - Even though I am your mother.
Ow! Right, that's enough. I said enough!
- Say you'll go to the Franklin. - No! Ow!
- Why not? - Cos...
The Franklin, Anj, is the best hotel in Newcastle.
But it's not bloody good enough for our Leo, is it?
Ow! Right, OK, if I say I'll go, will you stop?
- Yes. - I'll go.
- Promise? - I said I'll go. I'll go!
- Aargh! What the? - There! All done.
Right. I'm pretty sure I've got it now.
Right, so at the end of the day,
I'm a man because, up here, I'm male.
So, remember what I said? Gender...
...is what's between your ears,
not what's between your legs.
Right... Oh!
- Good afternoon. - Oh. Thank you.
So... What do you think?
Oh, this is how the other half live, eh, Pam?
It's pure class, isn't it?
The man on the door called me madam.
Well, they can't get everything right.
Hello.
Would you inform your assistant manager
that Mrs Pamela MacDonald is here to see her?
- Certainly, madam. - Thank you.
Wa-hey!
- Wow... - What?
You've must had a full workout pouring yourself into those.
What's wrong with them? Quality gear, this.
Must be. He's had them for 30 years.
Right. Now, Pam has given me strict instructions
that you must be ripped and ready for those wedding pics.
- So watch and learn, eh? - Er, excuse me.
It's not the first time I've been in a gym.
I'm not a complete novice.
OK. Let's start with some cardio.
Better still, we'll start with a run.
Thanks so much for fitting us in, Monica.
It's a pleasure, Pam. Is it your first time at The Franklin?
No. Well, not for me anyway.
- It is for me. - And me.
- We've been before. - Have you?
Yes. Jackie got caught short and came in to use the toilet
while I waited on that chair and ate a nice egg sandwich.
Ah! Ha-ha...
- How are you doing? - Yeah. No problem.
- What about you? - Good, mate. All good.
James. James, stop!
It's all about balance, determination,
and above all, focus.
Got it.
Jimmy, man!
Yee-hah!
- What do you think? - It's pretty swanky, isn't it?
Oh, this is very nice, Monica.
Very, very nice indeed.
I love the colour on the walls. It's very unusual.
- It's magnolia, Pam. - Mm-hm.
What's the height on your fire doors, Monica?
Sorry?
Just for getting the cake in and out.
One thing I would like to discuss with you is the canapés.
Good thinking, Pam, though there is that big one out the front.
People can just smoke under that.
I do think it's important, don't you, Monica,
people aren't drinking on an empty stomach,
or they'll chuck their guts up at three in the afternoon.
Well, we offer a wide range of catering options.
We regularly host functions for up to 250 people at a time
with a wide range of dietary requirements.
But do you cut the crusts off the sandwiches, Monica?
Fiddly but worth it.
What do you think?
It's a bit much, isn't it?
I mean, apart from anything else,
we'd... we'd never fill the place.
Don't be so daft.
By the time we've invited all your dad's side,
your Aunty Margaret
and then some of the ladies from the salon...
And I'm sure Mrs Arkley here
has a few from her side she'd like to invite. Am I right?
A few. But most of my lot are dead.
You know, Charlie, I did a lot of exercise when I was younger.
- Yeah? - Oh, aye.
Football, basketball, handball.
- That's a lot of balls, mate. - No, it's all true.
- Hey, hey! - Right.
Now we're going to stretch our hamstrings, OK?
So, right leg forward...
...and lunge.
Oh... I'm slipping. I'm slipping, man!
Ah! Get us up!
Smooth!
Is she OK?
Oh, she's always like this with fizzy stuff, Monica.
She just needs a right good burp to shift it.
I just need somebody...
...to do something to give me a fright.
Off you go, Jackie. Take your make-up off.
So including the ice sculptures, the canapés, the bagpipes...
- Mam! - Ssh.
...the champagne fountain... - This is bonkers.
- Mam! - Not now, Leo.
...a DJ for the evening... - Mam, honestly.
...the photo booth... - Mam! Stop.
We can't afford it! What planet are you on?
Leo, my darling, no reason for you to worry about a thing,
because it won't cost you a penny.
What?
Consider this a gift to you and Judy from me and your dad.
Yes, we might have to do without some of the finer things in life
like holidays, meals out... heating.
But nothing is too good for our boy.
Now why don't you go and get your mam
another glass of champagne...
and me and Monica'll start crunching numbers.
- Mam. - Thank me later.
Come on then, Monica, let's start talking turkey.
I reckon that'll do us. How are you feeling?
Aye, spot-on.
Just... give us a minute to get me...
I'll just text me mam.
You're not nearly as bad as I thought you'd be.
- Cheeky bugger! - Just to let you know,
Dad hasn't had a heart attack.
This is the most pretentious place I've been to in my life.
I know. How do you feel about a little church, nice dress...
- For me or for you? - For me.
Sounds perfect.
So, that's that.
Ooh, she thought it were going to bounce.
So we'll be in touch. I have all your contact details here,
but in the meantime that's the deposit paid
and you can clear the balance closer to the time.
OK. Much obliged. Thank you very much.
Sorry, Monica, I thought you said deposit?
Hi. Mam, can I talk to you for a...
Hang on a minute, Leo.
I must have misheard you
because I thought you said deposit?
- Yes. - When what you meant was...
- Deposit. - Right.
Mam, me and Judy, we're sorry...
- And so the balance will be... - Ah, let me see.
- Mam! - Pam.
What?
Don't think we're ungrateful - we're not.
We appreciate everything you're doing, don't we?
- Absolutely. - But honestly, all this...
...it just isn't us. This isn't our kind of place.
I'm sorry, but... it's just not happening.
There you go.
You're fucking right it's not happening.
Do you know something, Monica?
I'm gonna have to take this one
and discuss it with my husband, if that's all right.
- Get up! - Where are we going?
Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
I will, and thanks again.
Sorry for the rush and er... thank you.
Ooh, and the money I've already paid...
Is non-refundable, I'm afraid.
What about if I said I'll take my knickers off
and do a cartwheel through your reception?
Come with me and I'll see if there's something
we can sort out.
Oh.
You did well, mate.
It's not easy if you haven't done it in a while.
I'm strong stuff, Charlie boy.
Takes more than a bit of exercise
to knock me off my perch, I can tell you that.
Fit!
Oww!
- Aargh! - There's a door there.
Aye.
- Hi. All right, Pam? - Hi, Mike, I'm fine.
- How are you? - Aye, champion.
Good. Now, as you all know,
and I've said so from the start...
...I think we could do a lot worse than the Nelson.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll