♪ Hey, Mr Dream Seller, where have you been?
♪ Tell me have you dreams I can see?
♪ I came along just to bring you this song
♪ Can you spare one dream for me?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
"Having got the order wrong a second time, our waiter,
who'd be charitably described as a desperately inept buffoon,
informed us that they were closing shortly.
He had to take his dad to the doctor's
for a lump on his foot." No stars.
- That's one of the better ones. - How is your foot?
Cyst the size of a golf ball.
Doctor had to pop it like a zit. I got it all on my phone.
- Put it away. - I don't want to see it, Jimmy.
Just Google "Dad's Foot Explodes".
- What? - Bye.
Look, Mum wanted me to ask you
what she should bring tonight - wine, pudding?
The amount of food Pam's got planned,
I'd say two dozen antacids and a pair of bigger trousers.
- Not going to any trouble? - She isn't. It's down to me.
A five-course meal with canapés, a choice of wines, spirits
and a cheeseboard that's big enough to feed a family of ten.
- So nice and low-key, then? - Aye. Thanks.
Oh, by the way, while you're here,
could you have a word with your friend?
He's been sat here for five hours.
Same seat, same half-eaten sandwich, same free Wi-Fi.
OK.
It's a real milestone.
You're not just Leo and Judy's parents any more.
- You're proper friends. - No, Anji.
The reason why Peggy's coming to dinner is because,
having been invited to hers five times in a row,
I've run out of excuses not to have her round ours.
Mum. Anji. What can I get you two lovely ladies?
Two giant cheese salad buns.
No mayo.
I need a word with your dad.
And remember to wear the gloves this time.
Don't worry. Rubbered up.
- What are you playing at? - What do you wanna play at?
(Sighs) For the last time, what happened was a mistake.
A one-off, a regrettable error and never, ever to be repeated.
So you're curious to know if I'm always that good?
(Sighs) What do I have to say to get you to stop?
I can't stop. I won't stop.
I'm the Terminator of love.
Everything was OK until my landlord decided
he'd rent my flat to three Bulgarians for twice the rent.
I came home to all the locks changed,
- all my stuff in the hallway. - He can't do that.
Well, he can and he did.
Have you got anyone you can stay with?
My family are all down south, my friends haven't got any space
and I just got dumped.
Can't get any worse.
And I'm massively overdrawn.
So, 10pm, you take a funny turn,
- I get Peggy a cab, job done. - Aye-aye.
Sounds like you're in for a fun evening.
Listen, I love Peggy, I do, but in small, manageable doses.
CHARLIE: Maybe living on the street will be a laugh.
I could get myself a dog on a bit of string.
Right. Show us your ring.
Oh, Judy, I love it.
I know, it's perfect.
Do you remember Charlie from the opening night?
I was the one who let the cat out the bag.
How could I forget? Where did you two meet?
Trans North.
Well, I'm Pam. Leo's mam.
Off on your hols?
Yeah. I'm gonna be spending a fortnight in a cardboard box
down at the coach station.
Well... if it's only for a couple of nights,
- I've got a spare room. - You don't have to do that.
It's only a couple of nights, until he finds somewhere proper.
Anything else, or just the bill?
I've just told Charlie here he can have Leo's room.
- What? - Thanks for the offer,
but I'll figure something out. Have you got a tent?
Oh, don't be soft. You're coming round ours.
- That's the end of it. - Are you sure?
Of course. We've got lads of our own.
I'd hate the thought of them having nowhere to stay.
Cheers, but it will just be the one night.
I'll find something.
This is really good of you, Pam.
I know.
Hi.
- Delivery for Gotchu Limited. - Yeah.
If you could just sign here, that'd be great.
Leo to base.
Bang on time.
- (Walkie-talkie beeps) - This is Leo.
- Pasty delivered? - Still warm. Well done.
Gotchu Limited?
- "Got you". - Ah.
- First week on the job? - That easy to tell?
- Say hi to Kat for me. - (Tuts)
- (Giggles) - Thanks.
- (Walkie-talkie beeps) - Leo to Kat.
Come in, Kat!
PAM: Well...
Here it is.
So, feel free to do whatever it is lads do to relax
when they're on their own in their bedroom.
Oh. (Laughs)
Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Erm... anyway, it's none of my business.
I'll keep my hands where you can see them at all times.
Look, feel free, if there's anything you want to ask me...
I mean, there is one thing.
I'm all ears.
I didn't get a chance to wash these at my last place.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't want to open that in here.
It's been a while. Things get funky.
Funky. Is that what you call it?
Nice one. (Chuckles)
And have you got a spare toothbrush that I could borrow?
Yep, yep.
- I probably have. - Thank you.
Has anyone seen my black top?
- Where did you last see it? - Somewhere under this lot.
Jackie, if Dean's gonna be round here all the time
you could ask him to keep his stuff in your room.
Oh, and none of these are Leo's?
These are boy's size. Dean's a man.
Yeah, well, I mean, boxes of rat poison, roach spray...
a machete?
Oh, that's mine.
I had a problem.
I borrowed it from Alan next door.
- What? - For the weeds.
Yeah, well, I need my top for tonight.
Oh! Borrow my silver one.
I got it in a celebrity auction.
- It's Judith Chalmers'. - Oh, er... thanks, Mum.
- I think I'll keep looking. - Aw.
I put up with just as much from you and Leo.
- Like what? - Well, with him always around,
it's hard to, you know... Me and Dean can't...
...with you and Leo the other side of the wall.
I promise you, we're not listening.
Dean's very shy.
If you're that worried, do what we do and just stick a CD on.
You mean every time I hear Adele,
that's you and Leo shagging?
Thanks for ruining Rolling In The Deep, Jude.
Your father was always partial to James Last.
Oh, he said it helped him keep a nice four-four rhythm.
Gotchu?
You fell for it!
Why are the good-looking ones always so gullible, eh?
- You think I'm good-looking? - I know you're gullible.
It says so there on the ceiling.
RADIO: Barry to base.
Barry to base. I can't find this address.
Get it delivered or I'll find another monkey on a moped.
It's like I have to do everything around here.
But I can't read the last line.
Come back with that package and the next thing
you'll be delivering is your CV to the job centre.
Too much?
I would have threatened castration,
- but not bad for a first go. - OK.
I'll make sure I get mine on time.
Me and the lasses are off to town later if you fancy it.
I reckon we could do with a laugh.
I'd love to, but I'm out tonight.
Double date with the missus and her sister down the Nelson.
Double date down the Nelson with your sister-in-law?
- You're spoiling the lass. - (Laughs)
If I was about tonight, there is nothing I'd enjoy more
than drinking you under the table.
- Oh, was that a challenge? - But not tonight.
Where's Longframlington? The GPS isn't working.
Neither will you, if you don't get that package delivered.
Lucky escape.
I can see a sheep and a field and another sheep
and a pylon and a farmer and another sheep...
Whoa! Don't do that.
Look. You have to hang it totally straight,
or else it's gonna dry funny and it'll have a line in the middle.
Will it?
Well, you seem to be doing such a good job yourself,
I'll, erm... I'll leave you to it.
I am sorry, Pam.
It's just, you've made me feel so at home.
I just... I've forgot I was a guest here.
But, of course, I will hang out the washing.
Oh.
Give us it here. You'll be on all day.
Thanks, Pam. You're the best.
- Ah. Cooked chicken! - Oi!
I was saving that for my tea.
Can't I just?
Do you know something, Charlie?
I'm glad you feel so much at home because now
you can finish off the washing, make me a cup of tea,
and a nice chicken and tomato sandwich, plenty of mayo.
- Seriously? - Oh, yes.
Just ask my boys,
cos this is what "feeling at home" looks like in this house.
Well, get on with it!
Anji?
I wanted to see you.
Then, just give us five minutes to freshen up.
I took the rubbish out. I got splash back.
Don't worry, I dodged most of the bin juice.
- Wait! - Not all the bin juice.
I know I've been a bit off with you lately.
Well, it's just a lovers' tiff.
And that's cos there's something I need to tell you.
Why don't we let our bodies do the talking?
I didn't want to say anything because, you know,
it was just the one time we... you know.
Oh, I know.
Thing is...
I'm late.
You're here now. That's all that matters.
- For me period. - Ew!
I think I'm pregnant.
Ready, Mum? Jackie and Dean are already in the car.
Oh, I can't wait to talk weddings with your mum and dad.
I've brought that newspaper cutting I showed you.
Peggy, we discussed this and we decided
we're probably not gonna do the Shrek-themed wedding thing.
Mum, we won't get married straightaway.
- Why? What's wrong? - Nothing.
Judy's happy, I'm happy. What's the rush?
So, are we talking full sit-down meal or finger buffet?
Out!
So why haven't you done one already?
I was busy and then I forgot and then Bake Off was on the telly.
Right, that's the most expensive one.
Pee on that one first.
I don't really need to go.
Maybe, if I had a coffee?
One coffee, coming up.
Do you think we'll have a boy or a girl?
I think a girl.
If she had my looks and brains and your...
Well, as long as you're there to clean up the sick and the poo.
(Door opens)
Mm. About time.
Don't start. The last hour was madness.
We had an entire under-sevens football team,
a woman who claimed we'd served her raw chicken fajitas
and the toilets backed up... again.
Oi! Get up.
You've got to get dinner sorted.
Jimmy, where's the food?
- I'm kind of busy right now. - Where's the food for tonight?
All the leftover food is bagged up, in the bin, like you asked.
All of it?
The five-course meal I did for tonight?
The five-course meal that I left out on here?
Oh, yeah.
- You know, I did wonder. Sorry. - Jimmy!
Bins, now.
(Grunts)
(Coughs)
(Groans)
It's OK. I've got it.
What? Our dinner's in a bin bag?
Ugh! What have you done with it, man? I cannot give her this.
I can rescue it. I just need a bit of time.
- (Doorbell) - She's here. Get rid of it.
Peggy!
It's lovely to be here.
What are we having?
Is it seafood?
Because, if it's seafood,
I've got some pills I need to take half an hour before.
Well, it's a surprise.
- Ooh! (Giggles) - Go on through.
- Hi! - Ooh.
Just thought I'd see how Charlie's getting on.
And I need a slash.
It's upstairs, first on the left.
PEGGY: I'm so excited.
- I love surprises. - So how's it going?
- You must get me out of here. - What's happened?
- Tony? - I'll tell you down the pub.
- Peggy, how are you? - Come here!
- Hello, love! - Ooh!
Pam's been very mysterious about this evening.
She won't even say what kind of food we're having.
It's really good of you taking him in.
Oh, don't worry. Doing my best to be a trans-ally.
A what?
- Well, we should go. - Bye.
- Bye. Have a nice evening. - See you. See you.
Peggy!
Why don't you take a seat?
And it'll just take me a few minutes to sort out the food
and for Tony to come with me.
(Softly) I'll fill her up with booze, you rescue the food.
Hiya.
- Ten o'clock. Funny turn. - Right.
Peggy, why don't I open a bottle of wine?
What would you like, red or white?
If it's fish, I'll have white but if it's meat, I'll have red.
How about a cheeky vodka, to start?
Mm!
Hiya, Mike. Can I get four pints of lager,
an orange juice and a shot of sambuca, please?
- Aye, nae bother. KAT: Sambuca?
Man after me own heart. Excuse me.
- Sorry. - What are you doing here?
What's that? Mine's a pint.
Another pint please, Mike.
- Right. - You come on your own?
Give over. I'm meeting the lasses later.
But first, you can have us for a bit.
I hardly see Leo with his new job.
He's out early, back late, like we're a married couple.
JACKIE: For a married couple, you listen to a lot of Adele.
Everyone, this is Kat.
- Me boss. - Hiya.
Kat, this is Charlie, Jackie, Dean and my fiancée Judy!
DEAN: All right. JACKIE: Hiya.
- Fiancée? - Yep.
Congratulations.
Ee, that's lovely.
Aren't you a good boy?
- Oh, crisps. I forgot crisps. - Get us some pork scratchings.
I can't wait to get planning the wedding.
I've already picked the perfect first dance.
There's no rush is there? They've only just got engaged.
Well, you can't have a long engagement. It's bad luck.
Peggy, they've got nowhere to live,
they've got no money and they only got engaged a week ago.
I think that luck is the least of their problems.
But they love each other.
Which is why it'll wait.
Tony!
How's the food coming along?
Hm. Can I have a second opinion?
Excuse me.
No way! Even Peggy wouldn't eat that, man!
- Would she? - (Clattering)
- So what do I do? - Pam! Have you got a cloth?
I've had a teeny, tiny accident with the vodka.
Right y'are.
You know that TV programme where that Bear Grylls
- had to fend for himself? - Aye. I enjoyed that.
Well, if he can rustle something up with a handful of worms,
a dead bird and a cup of his own wee,
imagine what you can do with what's in the freezer.
Thank you.
So all you did was raid her fridge,
ask her to do your washing and iron your clothes?
Yeah and then she just lost it for no reason.
Yeah. No reason at all.
Look! I know how she comes across,
but beneath all that spiky, meddling,
blonde control freakery, she's lovely.
Well, I can see why you'd put a ring on it. She's gorgeous.
- And tall. Like a model. - Great for those high shelves.
- And youse met in a pub? - Yeah, just like that.
It's hilarious. Who even meets in a pub in 2016?
Finally. What took you so long? I nearly sobered up.
So, when are youse getting married?
Ah, not for ages yet.
- I mean... - Well, we're not in any hurry.
Barry?
I've been driving round for ages.
- I can't find the address. - That was six hours ago!
I thought maybe if I opened the package
- there'd be a clue inside. - You never open the package.
Give us that!
Shit. Shit. Shit.
That's not what I think it is, is it?
It is.
Oh, God. Oh, God this is bad. This is really bad.
This is like... ten-to-life inside bad.
Mm. Yeah, definitely.
That's sherbet dip.
You f...
- (Snorts) - You are so dead and you.
- (Leo laughs) - What's the joke?
It's OK. It's a work gag. (Giggles)
You will pay for this.
Oh, hiya. Right, that's me lasses.
This isn't over.
- (Groans) - You want to watch this one.
She's... (Clears throat)... quite something, isn't she?
(Chuckles)
Yes, mate! See you later, mate.
Come on. You've already had three coffees and a milkshake.
Why don't you run the taps?
Do you think your mam would let me use Leo's room as a nursery?
Me mam's gonna kill me. She's gonna kill both of us.
Your mam's the least of our worries. There's nappies.
Late nights, then you'll have to pay Child Support.
On what Dad pays me?
It's time to face up to your responsibilities, be a man.
Why don't we just keep it round yours?
You know, then I can come round on the weekends
and we'll keep it on the down low.
No dice. You and me are stuck together for life.
But it was only supposed to be a bit of fun. Nothing serious.
Exactly.
You haven't even got it out of the box yet.
That's because I was never pregnant.
- What? - You don't take a hint.
You don't take no for an answer. You won't stop pestering us.
It's not romantic, it's annoying.
Really, really annoying.
"Never again" means never again. Understand?
This was some professional-level pranking.
- Do you understand? - Never again.
Exactly.
PEGGY: Pam, that was delicious.
I haven't had beans on toast in ages.
Well, I was going to do something fancier...
Oh, I loved it.
I was really worried you'd do something fancy.
I always say, there's no point fussing, not when it's family.
Well, nearly family.
I suppose getting married isn't the be-all and end-all.
We all get on.
That's the main thing.
I'll drink to that.
I remember when Judy told me about transitioning.
It's terrible, but one of my first thoughts was,
"This'll mean she'll be on her own for the rest of her life."
- No. Judy's lovely. - Not everyone is.
Then, she found Leo
and he's made my little girl so happy.
I thought she'd have to make the best of it...
...but she's ended up with the best.
So, what do you fancy for their first dance?
Oh, I thought you'd never ask! (Giggles)
DEAN: Hiya.
Oh, you use the ladies?
Yeah. I also sit down to pee.
Course you do. Why wouldn't you?
Sorry, mate - pet! Sorry, pet.
- Any more questions, Dean? - Actually, your mate Charl...
Ask him yourself.
Fair do's.
Now, you've got a record player, have you?
Yes. Tony refuses to get rid of it.
All my Leo Sayer's on vinyl.
I'm not having that argument again.
Just put it on, man.
If you like, I've brought some wedding brochures.
♪ MAURICE HAYES: One More Lonely Night (Without Your Love)
Oh, I love this one.
Open another bottle, Tony.
Hey! Hey, look at this.
(Gasps)
- Mm. Looks expensive. - Look at page 17.
They do a his and hers fondue throne.
Do they?
Trans... masculine?
Or sometimes, even just Charlie.
Oh, for goodness sake, Dean. It's not difficult.
If he looks like a bloke, smells like a bloke, he's a bloke.
- But do you sleep with women? - Do you sleep with women?
- Of course I do. - If you walked up to
anyone else and asked the same questions, what would happen?
I'd be going home in an ambulance.
- Aye, sorry. - It's OK.
- You won't be the last. - Don't worry. You'll get there.
We're off. It was lovely to catch you.
- You too. - And go easy on him, tonight.
He's got work in the morning.
Is she single?
And too much for you to handle? Yes, she is.
- (Under his breath) No. - Excuse me, Leo.
The lady that just left asked us to give you that.
Oh, did she?
What could this be?
Filthy blackmail photos?
- A very flat turd? - A big angry dog.
JUDY: What is it, Leo?
- Her bar bill. - (Laughter)
So will that be cash or card?
Nice.
♪ Hold On For Love
It's ten past ten and I'm having another one of my funny turns.
(Pam giggles)
- Hiya. - Hi.
Oo-ooh!
LEO: Good evening? - Oh, aye.
- Pam? - Yes?
I saw him first! (Giggles)
I just wanted to say thanks
and if you can put up with me, I'd love to stay on for a bit.
On one condition.
I get the next dance. (Laughs)
Oh, he moves like a chunky Len Goodman.
(AS LEN GOODMAN) Seven!
We've decided a Christmas wedding would be perfect.
- Well, we, er... PAM: A church, probably.
Er... we actually haven't had a chance to talk about this yet.
There are lovely country houses.
Anyway, that doesn't matter as long as her dress is perfect.
Her dress will be perfect. We'll make sure of that.
Right, this is dead interesting
but Dean and Jackie are waiting in the van outside, come on.
Woo!
PEGGY: (Giggles) Ooh, me bag! - Ooh! Off you go.
(Pleasurable moaning)
- (Rhythmic creaking) JUDY: Ah.
(Pam and Peggy giggle)
- Are we going? - Maybe stay for a cup of tea.
(Moans)
We just discovered we had a lot in common, didn't we?
And we just want to see you have a really special day.
- Our really special day. - Best not to fight it, son.
- We decided a winter wedding. - A Christmas wedding!
- I'm really not sure... - With crystals and fake snow.
Oh, and a vicar dressed as Santa.
- Sounds perfect. - Well, maybe not that.
- But, what do you think? - (Car horn honks)
Ooh! Howay!
- I think we're getting married. - (Chuckles)
♪ Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on
♪ And I'll be there
♪ I promise I'll be there
♪ Down the empty streets, we'll disappear into the dawn
♪ If you have dreams enough to share
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll