Okay, Leigh's on her way up.
Let's go over the distraction plan for the surprise party.
Does everyone know what they're saying?
I'm gonna remind you that we have matinee tickets
- to Matilda, on Saturday. - Check. And Graham, you say
you have a soccer game on Saturday and you need me to be there.
I don't wanna play soccer.
You don't actually have to play anything.
It's just an excuse so that Aunt Leigh
can take Dad's ticket and then he can set up for the party.
Oh...
- I don't wanna play soccer. - We'll say baseball.
Well, if he gets to switch sports then I wanna switch sports.
- You're not playing a sport! - But my character is.
You don't have a character. You're playing yourself.
I'm playing a version of myself, and he has a rich backstory.
- You two don't have to be here. - No, I want to see this crash and burn.
Every time you try to surprise Aunt Leigh, she figures it out.
Well, this year will be totally different.
What's totally different?
Texting. Those emoticons are a real game changer.
Hey, Mike, don't forget, we have tickets
for the matinee of Matilda, on Saturday.
And I recently took up skateboarding, so...
I have to go play soccer.
- Oh, I mean baseball. - No, Graham...
Honey, I just remembered,
Graham has some sort of sporting event on Saturday,
and he needs me to take him.
Oh, well, what am I supposed to do with this extra ticket?
Hey, Leigh, would you...
I'd love to go. It's the perfect birthday gift.
And by the way, don't invite
- Carol to my surprise party. - Called it!
Damn it, Leigh. You always ruin these things.
Don't get mad at me 'cause you suck at surprises.
The polite thing to do would be to pretend you don't know,
and act surprised. That's what I would do.
Except you would never be in that position
because the surprise parties I throw for you always work.
Honestly, I don't even know why you try anymore.
Maybe I won't try. Maybe that's it. I'll stop trying.
Oh, yeah. Well, that's what I just said! Wait, what does that mean?
It means no more parties. That's it, I'm done. I'm over.
- I'm through. - Wow, so Mike,
just because I didn't jump for joy over your obvious surprise,
you're canceling my birthday?
Yeah, there's a surprise you didn't see coming.
- Oh, you mean you acting like a baby? - Don't talk to me about babies.
I changed your diaper when you were a baby,
and it wasn't fun and you never thanked me once.
- Because I couldn't talk. - I couldn't talk.
I was gagging 'cause those loads were so copious.
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪
1x16 - "Surprise"
correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Yeah, sorry, I'm gonna have to cancel all three platters.
Nah, my sister's the worst. You know the type.
Well, now, that's a little sexist.
Okay, I can't be a part of this now.
Boy, that caterer got into a Hillary Clinton rant in a hurry.
So that's it, you're really calling off the party?
Well, what's the point? She already ruined the surprise.
She just has to beat me at this.
You're right, she always beats you at this.
- You should just give up. - Whose side are you on?
The side who gets to go to a party.
I got needs, Mike. Big time needs.
Why can't we just throw her a regular party?
No, not after I made such a big stink. I can't throw her a party now.
Which is why she'd never see it coming.
- The party is back on. - Huh?
Don't you see, this is the perfect opportunity for me.
- After six failed surprises... - I thought it was seven.
It's actually eight. It's a chance to beat her at her own game.
You might wanna leave now. I'm calling back that sexist caterer
and I may say some things you do not wanna hear.
The suffragettes endured jailings,
beatings, and hunger strikes...
Scott has been our history sub for the past three weeks.
He's smart and passionate and kind,
and he lets us call him Scott.
I'm so glad that Miss Kirkland got shingles.
Just to earn a right that many of us, we take for granted.
No, the bell doesn't dismiss you.
I... I... Okay.
It's gonna be chapter nine, and we're gonna go...
The... The bell doesn't dismiss you.
I dismiss you? The... Guys?
You're never gonna get 'em that way.
You have to be a little more assertive. Watch this.
- Whassup? - Whoa!
What... What a wuss.
- Full disclosure, I flinched too. So... - Mmm.
Hey, Scott. I was just waiting in the classroom...
'cause, like...
...the bell doesn't dismiss us. You do.
- Uh, you're dismissed. - Cool.
Cool beans. Coolest beans in the land.
Eve, are you having a stroke?
That's...
No, it's totally cool. You don't have to say hi to me.
I'm just your mom, who gave birth to you, the hard way!
Mike, come on.
I've been in bed waiting for you for half an hour.
I was all psyched to cuddle and watch murder shows.
Yeah, not until I figure out a way to get Leigh
- out of her apartment on Saturday night. - Mmm.
- What if I say Graham's in the hospital. - That's nuts.
That's nuts. But what if he actually was in the hospital?
Can you guys keep it down?
- I'm trying to do my homework. - Ooh! Is it history homework?
Ooh, is it Math homework?
What are... What are we doing?
Eve's got a little crush on her history teacher.
Isn't that... that lady with the shingles?
No, no, it's her substitute. Scott.
First of all, I don't have a crush.
And second of all, do you think it's weird if I call him at home?
Do you hear yourself, right now?
It's just to ask him to advise me on an independent study.
- Oh, okay, in what? - Historical... events...
- from history. - Mmm-hmm, yeah.
Uh, don't think so.
She's got it bad.
Yeah, I should probably give Scott a heads-up.
I don't want him to accidentally hurt Eve's feelings.
You know, plus, I have a little experience in this area.
Remember when I had to let Sam Moyer down easy?
Sam Moyer? The all state wrestler, Sam Moyer?
You wish.
Next thing you'll tell me about the time that Ryan Gosling
totally looked at you in the street.
We made significant eye contact!
Hey, Scott.
- Do you have a second? - Uh, hey, what's up?
I hope that this doesn't make things awkward,
but I just thought that you should know,
I think someone may have a little crush on you.
Oh, is that right? Um, well...
You can tell someone, that I might have a crush back.
Wha... Scott, that's illegal.
It's not illegal. I mean, it's frowned upon.
What are you talking about?
Us... this.
- The reason you came in here. - Wait. Us?
Believe me, that's not the reason that I came in here.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I have been the object of my share of crushes,
- but I'm married, guy. - Look, a lot of people are married, Annie.
Okay, hey, I get it.
You put it out there and now it's real and you're scared.
But don't you think I'm scared too?
It doesn't seem like you are, really. No.
Okay, that's good. That's okay, bye. Gotta, yep, bye.
God, who uses these anymore?!
I appreciate the offer, but I'll figure out a way to keep Leigh busy.
Come on, Dad. I'm a master of distraction.
I wave my right hand so you're unaware I'm robbing you with my left.
You're rubbing me with your left.
It's supposed to be your wallet.
Hey.
Don't worry, I got this.
- Hey, Aunt Leigh. - No, Ian.
What say you and me go up to Smuggler's lake
- and do some fishing this Saturday? - What?
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
Smuggler's lake? That's not even a real place.
- What kind of a smuggler uses a lake? - Got it. Real lake.
No, no lake. No lake. No nothing.
- Mike, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Look, I've been thinking about our fight and,
you know, what I really want for my birthday
is for us to go to couples' therapy.
Couples' therapy? Couples' therapy is for couples.
- It says so right in the title. - Fine.
I knew you'd mock this as per usual.
I-I just thought we could sit down on Saturday and hash things out.
Saturday? This Saturday?
You know what? Let's do it.
Let the healing begin.
- Really? - Sure.
Thank you so much.
The perfect distraction landed right in my lap...
just like Ian's hand.
You're going to couples' counseling with your sister?
That's weird. That's like...
Donny and Marie level weird.
It's just a distraction for the surprise party.
- I'm gonna get her this year. - Yeah, keep dreaming, buddy.
But it's cool that you brought it up to my face after not inviting me.
I was gonna invite ya, I just didn't know if it was awkward
- between you two. - Things aren't awkward.
What Leigh and I had was just physical.
There were no emotions involved.
- Just raw, sweaty, surprisingly athletic... - La la la la la la la la!
Now, you see, it's because of this,
that you don't invite me to your parties anymore.
You're invited, just don't say anything gross.
- Now, you don't want me there. - Look, it was a huge oversight.
It would mean the world to me if you were there.
- I'm begging you. - Alright, I'll see if I can make it.
Although it would be like returning to the scene of the crime.
Man, we put that couch through its paces.
What part of "la la la" do you not understand?
Hard to believe this is my last day,
but Miss Kirkland has fully served her court appointed...
uh, shingles. And I just wanna say, thank you.
Uh, the last three...
No, no, no, the bell doesn't dismiss you! I dismiss you.
You know what? Screw it.
Three weeks already, huh?
Crazy ride.
- Are you waiting to be dismissed or... - No.
No. No, I'm just, uh...
Chillaxin'.
Remember when people used to say that dumb thing?
Anyhoo, um, what's going on with those flyers?
Uh, my band's got a gig tomorrow.
You know what, you should check it out.
Take those flyers and, uh, feel free to give 'em to your friends or to...
people that live in your house or whatever.
Cool.
See if I can make it.
He wants me to check out his band!
Mike. Mike! Doctor's ready.
Yeah, one second, I'll be right there. I'm so excited.
Is everything okay there?
Totally. It's just I'm looking around
and I'm wondering, are we really bringing our A game here?
I mean, I don't know. Maybe we should have
some, like, balloons in the hallway or something?
Ian, do you know how a surprise party works?
Relax, I'm just saying I could soup it up a little.
No, no, no souping!
Just stick to the plan. Everything's gotta be perfect.
Dad, when a bride hires a wedding planner it's because
she's too stressed out to handle all the details herself.
You are the bride now. Just be beautiful.
Ian, damn it, if you scre... Ian?
I should have gone with Graham.
Hey, I'm gonna cut out early from Aunt Leigh's party tonight.
My friend's band is playing.
And this friend wouldn't happen to be Scott, would it?
- How did you know that? - Guess I just know my daughter...
...daughter's Facebook password.
The kids all use the name of our dead cat.
Sentimental fools.
- Eve, he's your teacher. - Ex teacher, as of yesterday.
You so don't understand our connection.
Eve, was headed into a bad situation
and I didn't want her feelings to be hurt,
so I had to handle things delicately.
Screw your connection. You're not going. That's it!
- Fine, I'll be in my room, warden. - Well, that's about what I expected.
You're gonna be a password too, some day.
Yeah, you are. Yes, you are.
It's Aunt Leigh. Quiet.
Quiet!
It's just Harris.
I'll remember that on your birthday, Graham.
Hey, Harris, just park that bottle over there by the human robot.
Human robot? Hey.
Now dad has one shot to throw a great surprise party,
and what does every great party have?
- Women. - Well, that too, but... a theme.
- And you went with... - Boardwalk!
- Hmm. - Hey, guys.
This party is really coming together.
- It really isn't. - I know. I was being polite.
- Where's Eve? - I don't know, I haven't seen her.
She told me 20 minutes ago
that she was on her way down here to help set up.
She went to that concert, didn't she?
If you had a choice of going to a concert
or this party, which would you choose?
Guess your weight, Sir?
- You better back up, man. - All right.
Mike always has to win.
I mean, he's been upstaging me for 39 years.
So, since you were five?
The surprise was within reach. All I had to do was get through one therapy session.
How hard could that be?
I never felt as close to mom because I was a C-section,
whereas Mike had the privilege of coming through her vagina.
Pretty damn hard.
And now I'd like to read from my childhood diary.
This passage is entitled "Trampoline hog."
So, Leigh, if I may...
let's get back to what brought you in here.
The surprise party fight?
Oh, you mean when Mike ripped into me for just happening to
figure out that he was throwing me a surprise party?
You didn't happen to figure it out.
You intentionally ruined it, like you always do.
- And this frustrates you? - Of course. It's annoying.
And she always rubs my nose in it.
Because it's the only thing I can rub your nose in.
Mike, surprises are the only thing I'm better at than you.
- That's not true. - It's so true!
What else is there?! You've got a great job, a great family,
- you can do a backflip on the trampoline. - Double backflip.
Oh.
I'm sorry, go ahead.
And then you got sick, and you were still better at everything.
You're a freakin' inspiration.
I mean, even our therapist asked for your autograph.
I apologize. That was not professional.
All my life, I've stood in your shadow, Mike.
And I know it's silly, but it just makes me feel good
that I can do something for you, that you can't do for me.
I mean, is it so hard for you to just let me have this?
No. No, it's not.
Could you excuse me for a minute?
Ian, call me back. The party is off.
Repeat, the party is off.
Quit fooling around. Either answer your phone or
when I get down there, I'm gonna club you with it.
Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.
So are you two kids having problems?
Ian, I called you three times. You need to call me back.
You know, Mike, I think we did a lot of great work today.
- Yeah. - I'm gonna head home.
Home? That's not where you go after work.
- Where do you go after work? - Well, I...
- To get a pedicure? - Yeah, I love 'em.
I had to buy some time until I could cancel the party.
It was either this or H&R Block.
This is the only place I can truly relax.
If you really wanna unplug, get rid of that phone.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. You're in the splash zone.
Thank you, Francois. Just put it next to the martini bar.
Merci.
Whoa! What's going on here?
Well, I just made a couple of adjustments.
Unbelievable. I leave to go get the caricature artist
and you hijack the party. Is there even a theme here?
Oh, the theme is, "Things Leigh likes."
Hibiscus martinis because Pippa Middleton drinks them,
a classic French croquembouche
because she always wanted to go to Paris.
And sushi with imitation crab
because she thinks real crabs are seas spiders.
Wow, I didn't know you knew my aunt so well.
I guess I didn't either.
Oh, we won't be needing your services anymore.
Uh, why the hell am I on a pogo stick?
You were right, Mike. This is just what I needed.
Yeah, you and me both.
♪ That vagabond was me ♪
- Hey, sweetie. - Listen, you gotta cancel the party.
I'm trying to call Ian, but he's gone rogue.
Sorry, Mike, I can't. Eve's gone rogue too.
They carded me at the door, but Scott wanted me there.
So I just snuck in through the kitchen.
Got roped into butterflying some shrimp, prepped the soup,
went to a sexual harassment seminar, and voilá ! I was in.
Thank you.
Uh, okay, let's play that new one I wrote.
This one goes out to a special lady.
Someone brave enough to come out tonight.
♪ There's only one girl ♪
♪ Who makes high school fun, girl ♪
Oh, my Gosh! He wrote a song about me!
♪ People say I love... ♪
- Hey, we're out of here. - Mom?
I-I can't believe that you actually came down here to get me?!
Believe it and let's go.
Look, you might not like it, but Scott and I have a real connection.
I mean, this song is about me.
♪ Annie this song's about Annie ♪
♪ Annie Annie Annie gonna break up your family ♪
♪ It's always been Annie I'm singing ♪
Okay, you know what, there are probably a lot of Annie's in here.
♪ I'm pointing at Annie ♪
♪ Annie Annie Annie gonna break up your family ♪
- # This specific Annie # - # Wow, she's hot #
♪ Could that really be Annie ♪
♪ It's always been Annie I'm singing about ♪
♪ Annie ♪
♪ Annie Annie Annie gonna break up your family ♪
♪ This song's about Annie ♪
- Thanks for today, Mike. - Anything for the birthday girl.
The therapy, these treatments. I seriously appreciate it.
- There you are. - Yep, here I am.
Been here the whole time.
Oh, that's not necessary. You don't have to...
Oh, that's good. Oh, the touch of a woman.
So I hadn't heard from Ian, but at least Leigh was occupied.
And in the meantime I got a foot rub,
which was more relaxing than I thought.
Muffins!
Where'd she go?
Oh, she left. She said she didn't wanna wake you.
Shoes, shoes, I need my shoes.
In what world are those my shoes? Tiny clogs, tiny clogs.
- Mike Henry. - Can't talk! Tiny clogs!
Gotta go! Tiny clogs!
Ooh, tiny clogs. Tiny clogs, tiny clogs.
- Mike, what are you... - Before you open that door, I...
Surprise!
Dad got you! Your streak is over!
- Ian... - You should see your face right now.
You look totally surpri...
Well... now that I'm looking, it's more sad.
Really, really... sad.
Congrats, Mike. You beat me at this too.
Oh, Leigh, this has nothing on the parties you throw for me.
Caviar?
Eve, wait.
I can't believe Scott was into you. That was crazy.
- Well, it's not that crazy. - And totally out of nowhere.
It wasn't exactly out of nowhere.
He may have... mentioned something at school.
Why didn't you say anything?
Because I thought if I could forbid you from seeing him,
then you could just be mad at me instead of being heartbroken.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I feel like Czechoslovakia, thinking that Hitler
would just be happy with the Sudetenland.
Well, on the bright side, you learned a lot about history.
- Maybe we sign you up for AP. - Is that teacher hot?
I'm kidding. I know it's Mr. McFadden.
He's busted.
Martini?
It's got a plant in it, but they tell me that's intentional.
- Thanks. - Listen, Leigh, I'm sorry about the party.
I tried to stop it.
Party's fine. And I'm sure I'll have a good time.
Just I can't believe you'd go so far as to go to therapy
just to beat me at this?
Yeah, that was a little low.
I don't regret doing it though, because...
I found out how much all this means to you.
- I really opened up in there. - Yeah, I didn't.
Well, that's one thing you're better than me at.
Therapy. You win at therapy.
That's not what therapy's about.
See, I don't even know what therapy's about. You win again.
You know what? Think we should go back,
'cause I really think that I can make some progress.
- You would really do that for me? - Absolutely.
Besides, I promised Dr. Young, I'd give her a signed headshot.
Hey, Leigh.
- Hey. - I just wanted to say, happy birthday.
Oh, thanks.
Pretty great party, huh?
Aw, yeah, I guess it came together all right.
- Can you believe Ian did all of this? - Well, I can't take all the credit.
Uh... but apparently you will.
Was that the first guy to ever write a song about you?
Nope. Sam Moyer did too.
Sam Moyer? Wrote a song about you?
Get out of town.
Sometimes it's hard to get perspective.
If you look at a Monet up close, all you see are tiny brush strokes.
But when you take a step back, a landscape comes into focus.
It's the same in relationships.
The things you say and do can feel like isolated incidents...
But when you get some distance, you can see the bigger picture.
And then you can ask yourself,
is that the picture you really wanted to paint?
And if it's not, just scrap it and start fresh.
Ugh! He always has to wrap everything up in a nice little bow.
Can't you let me have the last word for once?
Sure.
correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com thx to mstoll for rip