Wa-cha! Ha! Hiyah!
[Male announcer] And now Dreamworks' Kung Fu Panda:
Legends of Awesomeness. [Grunts]
[gong rings]
♪ Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda ♪
[Scatting]
♪ Raised in a noodle shop ♪
♪ never seeking glory or fame ♪
♪ he climbed the mountaintop ♪
♪ and earned the Dragon Warrior name ♪
Ooh! Ahh! Yah!
♪ Kung Fu Panda ♪
[Scatting]
♪ Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom ♪
♪ and master the skills of bodacious and awesome ♪
♪ Kung Fu Panda ♪
[Scatting]
♪ he lives and he trains and he fights ♪
♪ with the Furious Five ♪
♪ protect the valley, something, something ♪
♪ something, something alive ♪
Ooh! Ahh! Uh!
♪ Kung Fu Panda ♪
♪ Legends of Awesomeness ♪
Sweet!
[Pan flute]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Okay, Po. The name of the game is "who hit me?"
- All you do is go... - I need silence!
My other senses are reaching out,
expanding my mind to anticipate every possible...
Uh! Ugh!
Oh! Uh!
Aah!
Whoa, aah!
Ooh! Ooh! Ow.
Maybe we should go over the rules.
Gather round. [Groans]
General Tsin is out at the grain mill
on one of his delusional rampages.
General Tsin? We gotta help him!
Help him? The man is a menace.
Yeah, one big, steaming cup of cray-cray.
Maybe, but he's still one of China's most legendary heroes.
He defeated the barbarian horde at Ye Man Ren.
He rescued the crimson princess
from her captors atop Shan Yue Mountain.
He destroyed half of Beijing searching for a pair of comfortable slippers.
Which he then married at a private ceremony in a ginkgo tree.
Which he then burned to the ground.
So he's a tad... eccentric.
Po, the general was a great man, but now he's dangerous.
You need to put your admiration aside and stop his rampage.
[Sighs] Okay. But let's take it easy on him.
The general's getting on in years and has a frail constitution.
Hiyah! [Groans]
Bring it on, you horny-plated ding doodles!
I step over punks tougher than you on my way to a fight!
Oh, yeah. Real frail.
[All grunting]
Hot pagodas!
Prepare to face the cleansing face cream of justice!
[All scream]
Yah!
Guys, give me a minute. I can talk him down off the crazy train.
Good luck with that.
[Grunts]
[Laughs]
General Tsin! Stop!
Well, I'll be dipped in stuff that you dip stuff in.
Dragon Warrior!
- Good to see you, boy! - Yah! Ugh!
[Chuckles] Yeah. Hey, general.
- Uh, quick question. - Hyah! Uh!
[Explosion]
- What the heck are you doing? - No time for chitter chat.
You gotta help me destroy this reeking den
- of agricultural evil. - Oh, sure. And, uh, why?!
It's the wiggling skull crack vibratories.
We gotta stop 'em from sucking out
our precious free will fluids and brain juice, right?
Uh, um...
Well said. Lock and load, Panda.
- He's reloading! - Take him down!
- For freedom and brain juice! - General, wait!
Look out!
- Guys! - Regrettable, but they were asking for it.
- No! - Stand down, Panda.
This is exactly what the skull crackers want.
Enough, general! No one else gets hurt.
[Groans]
[Blows landing]
Except maybe you.
[Groans] Skull crackers.
- Face cream. Mother... - Hmm, looks like his crazy train
jumped the track some time ago.
Yes, we agree.
His story is farfetched and laughable.
[Both chuckle]
Ugh.
Please accept this gift of rice for saving our mill.
- Oh, that's not really necessary. - But you were so brave.
And your ears are so soft and inviting.
My... ears?
A guy could curl up in one of those wonderful ears
- and just... - Hong, desist.
I beg forgiveness, Hong.
Look, it's okay. [Chuckles] Weird, but okay.
Thanks, Hong, and, uh... other Hong.
[Grunting]
Do we have to keep him tied up like that?
All: Yes!
[Grunts]
So you attacked the mill because...
The alien rice Weevils, or as I call them,
wiggling skull crack vibratories.
They're fuzzy and come from the Moon.
They got a hundred tiny legs each,
and they're all named Hong.
They crawl into folks' ears and redecorate their brains,
turning 'em into helpless, dancing meat puppets.
Their goal is dominating the planet,
And the only way to stop 'em
is to slap a copper pot on your head,
splash tea in your face,
and sing the water lily song.
♪ I'm a pretty water lily, watch me float ♪
♪ Right on by the old river boat ♪
♪ I'm not a rabbit, and you're not a goat ♪
♪ Water lily, water lily, grab your coat ♪
Now, everybody!
♪ Whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle... ♪
Thank you, general. I think we understand the situation.
Come with me.
Po.
Look, son, I know I'm one won ton short of a pu pu platter,
but you... you have to believe me. They're real.
They're here. You could be next!
[Laughs]
♪ I'm a pretty water lily ♪
Poor guy. [Sniffs]
♪ Right on by the old river boat ♪
[Sniffing] Mmm.
This rice Hong gave me smells like old feet.
Wait! Hong? [Gasps]
Master Shifu! The general might not be crazy.
I mean, he is, but maybe only 97% crazy.
That's nearly 5% sane.
Wait a second. That's the gizmo the general used
to put his captives into suspended animation.
And it should work just as well on him.
We don't have a choice.
If he gets loose again, no one will be safe.
No! You have to listen.
There were these two weird guys at the mill.
They were both named Hong.
And they were way too interested in my ears.
"Uhh! Two weird guys at the mill interested in my ears."
- Give it a rest, dude. - I know it sounds nuts,
- but shouldn't we at least check it out? - Po, enough.
You're wasting our time with this nonsense.
Nons... hang on.
I get you doubting the general and all, but why won't you believe me?
Clearly, your idol worship of General Tsin
is clouding your judgment. This is for the best.
Perhaps one day we could revive him
when we find a cure for his madness.
But until then...
I can't let them do this.
If any part of the general's story is true,
I gotta find out now!
[Running footsteps]
Uh, hello? Uh, Hong... s?
Panda sneaky styles. Panda sneaky styles.
Sneaky styles. Sneaky...
Yeah, whatever.
Hmm.
Unh!
- Huh. - Hello, Mr. Panda.
Gah! [Crash]
- What have you done? - I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
- He's okay. - Ah, thank goodness. I...
Don't worry, Hong.
We'll find another nice, warm ear for you to re-infest.
[Gasps]
The general was right. Wiggling skull crack vibratory invasion!
[Squeaks]
Wah!
Ick, ick, ick! Ooh! Sticky. Ick.
[Groans]
Prepare him for ear-festation.
You wiggly, skull-cracking...
My friends will come looking for me.
Your friends will be dealt with shortly, thanks to you.
Shifu: We're ready.
I'm glad Po won't be here to see this.
[All hissing]
[Groaning]
[Gasps]
[Grunts] Do not struggle.
It will only make the ear-festation more unpleasant.
You may call me Supervisor Hong.
General Tsin was right. You Weevil guys do exist!
General Tsin... only he was able to uncover our plan
of worldwide Weevil domination. We live to conquer.
All: Conquest, conquest,
- conquest, conquest, con... - Leave us!
I'd like to be alone with his ears.
[Door closes]
The time has come, Dragon Warrior. Hiyah.
With your power under my control,
we will truly be invincible.
[Snarls]
[Grunts]
No, no! No! [Giggles]
Hey, that tickles! [Hums]
No! No!
Aah!
[Thud]
[Hong laughs] You mind is mine, Dragon Warrior.
Mind cloudy. Must fight.
[Weevil chirps]
Copper wok. Tea.
General said... it's their only weakness.
[Groans]
[Laughs wickedly]
Gah.
No! Ugly, nasty copper.
[Clangs]
Blocking my mind control powers. [Grunts]
Tea! Ahh!
Making everything damp and unpleasant.
Gotta keep fighting and singing.
♪ I'm a pretty water lily ♪
Aah, that melody!
♪ Right on the old river boat ♪
Second verse!
♪ I'm not a rabbit, and you're not a goat ♪
No!
♪ Grab your coat ♪
[Groans] [Sighs]
Thanks, general.
You have made a grave mistake, Dragon Warrior.
Those whom we cannot control,
- we destro... [Squish] - Gotta hurry.
There may still be time to save Shifu and the guys
and the general... and the world.
[Groans]
Master Shifu, guys, you were wrong, big-time.
And I was right, bigger time,
this is an insidious plot, and I uncovered it!
- What plot is that, my good friend? - My good...
Aah!
Uh, you know, the plot thing.
- Yes? - The plot to...
to...
[monotonous] to ear-infest this Panda, which has been done.
By me, Hong. It went... really great.
Hail Weevil guys!
Um, look. I control the Panda's every move.
Gah! Oh, my!
Oh! [Laughs] Ow!
Hysterical, is it not?
Dance, helpless Panda, dance!
♪ La, la, la, dance, dance, dance ♪
Ta-da!
- Welcome, brother. - [Gulps] Great to be here.
♪ I'm a pretty water lily, watch me float ♪
♪ Right on by the old river boat ♪
Now just the ladies in the house!
♪ I'm not a rabbit, and you're not a goat ♪
Stop that awful screeching!
Who's gonna make me, you ear-loving polypod?
- I will. - Po! Aw, no!
- You been skull cracked! - Yes.
And it means your end, old one.
- You got an allergy, boy? - [Quietly] Wink.
Wink, wink!
I'll take it from here.
[Laughs evilly]
Seriously, I'll take it from here.
General, you were right about everything!
- Don't worry... - Hiyah!
Aah!
Take that, you skull cracker.
General, wait. You don't understand!
Oh, I understand.
You crawled into the Dragon Warrior's ear
and sucked out his precious free will fluids.
Just for a second. But then... Gah!
Po was my friend. He was courageous and only punched me
in the face when he absolutely had to.
And you're gonna pay for what you did to his soft,
- smooth brain parts. - General, no!
[Arrow whistles]
General, no!
Aw, bean dip.
Good thing that wasn't one of those exploding arrows.
[Explosion]
General, I'm not one of them. I'm me! Ow.
If you're Po, then answer me this...
two rickshaws leave Beijing at 9:00.
If one's carrying coconuts, the other one's carrying my Aunt Lin,
- then what's my favorite color? - Uh, blue?
Wrong. It's seven.
Aah! [Groans]
- Aah! - Hiyah!
Do your worst, skull cracker.
General, all I have to say to you is... duck!
[Explosion]
Shifu and the Five have been taken over.
Quick, we'll escape through the catacombs.
Po, I was wrong. It is you!
Can you ever forgive me?
Aw. How can I stay mad at my favorite semi-delusional war hero?
Come on.
Those two must be dealt with permanently.
Forget it.
You're both out of your tiny, little minds.
I resent that, sir. I am not out of my mind.
Dad, this is matter of life and death!
The evil moon Weevils are here!
They love conquest and soft, warm ears.
Let me put it another way.
- # I'm a pretty water lily # - Dad, we need all your copper woks.
All my copper woks?
Listen, you stay away from my son here, and stop filling his head
with your twisted, crazy-person fantasies.
[Sighs] I understand.
I guess I'll just take my giant sack of gold somewhere else.
[Coins clink]
Ah, Po. I'm so happy that you've found
a positive male role model. [Chuckles]
'Cause let's face it, I've been kind of a bust.
- Dad, get the woks! - Right.
- I'll have a quick look outside. - Good thinking, soldier.
No sign of any Weevil-infested...
[music]
Hey, there.
The whole town's been Weevil-ized.
We're in deep dim sum, general.
- The name's Hong. - No!
Aah!
Uh!
Ee... [gulps]
Resistance is futile, Dragon Warrior.
It's time you became one of us.
All: One of us! One of us!
One of us! One of us!
One of us! One of us! [growls]
One of us!
Ugh!
Aah!
Huh! Uh!
You want to go? Let's go!
But I'm warning you, I may go down,
but I'm taking a bunch of you with me!
The Panda is too dangerous for ear-festation.
He must be immobilized instead.
This will put him out of commission... forever.
Excellent idea. General Hong, will you do the honors?
It will be my pleasure.
[Snorts] Wah!
Uh! Oh!
Wah!
Uh... [whimpers]
[Grunting]
Ooh! Ow! Oh!
Yah!
Uh!
Aah!
Ugh!
[Clang]
Leave my son's brain alone. It's already overtaxed.
Dad, wok me!
Fool. You don't have enough woks for all of us.
Ow!
Wa-cha! I kinda think I do.
Wah!
[Crash]
Bring it.
[Grunting]
Oh!
[Grunts]
Stop him! Stop him!
Ha!
Aah!
[Screaming]
[Clanging]
Ha!
[Clangs] Oh!
[Groans]
[Both groan]
You... You did it, son.
You did it. We're free! We're free!
Po, you saved us. I'm sorry we didn't believe you.
You can thank me later. A lot.
Right how, it's time to clean out the Weevils.
Po!
[Clanging]
[All squeal]
You may have won this battle,
but we Weevils will win the war.
We will fight! We will conquer!
- We will... [squish] - That felt good.
I think these guys are ready
for a permanent visit to Chor Ghom prison.
Maybe on a shelf with tchotchkes
or commemorative bamboo wood burnings.
It's all thanks to you, Po. You believed in me when
everyone else thought I was loopier than tofu.
You can stay here and rest if you want.
We'd be honored to have you.
Thanks, but I think getting Weevil-ized straightened my brain out.
I feel sane for the first time in years!
Eyah hooie!
See, guys? It pays to have faith.
The world is saved, and the general's not crazy anymore.
Well, I'm off to Korea for a little holiday.
Looks like a beautiful day to fly. Hiyah!
[Laughs] Yep, yep, yep.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~