Ripped By mstoll
Gentlemen, today I achieved a significant milestone.
I killed my ten-thousandth rat.
Mrs. Dunphy's Weimaraner gets co-credit,
but I got my mallet in there.
Wow, man, Wow.
Like a dang ol' exclusive club, man.
Well, congratulations, Dale.
That's exciting news.
Look who's telling me about exciting.
The man who stood behind Waylon Jennings
on an escalator!
Well, I was five people back.
OCTAVIO: Hey Gribble,
the trophy shop said
this was the biggest plaque they had.
Thank you, Octavio.
Eh, he was supposed to be mid-roar.
Uh, so, Bill,
what have you been up to?
I, uh...
I gave my ten-thousandth Army haircut.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm getting a plaque.
Wait a second.
I feel like I saw that in a movie or something.
You disguised certain facts, esse,
but that story is Gribble's intellectual property.
Bill, tell us something that's happened to you.
Well... recently I stole Dale's story
and tried to pass it off as mine.
(crying)
I'm a boring man and I have no life.
(crying)
So, Boomhauer, what's new with you?
CONNIE: Did you guys hear what happened
last night?
Someone broke into the art room
and ate all the macaroni projects.
I heard some janitors talking
about weird stuff going on here at night.
Showers turning on by themselves.
Mysterious toilet cloggings.
Sounds like Prom Queen Mary is back.
Who's Prom Queen Mary?
The ghost of a former Tom Landry prom queen.
She was decapitated when a basketball hoop collapsed
under the weight of too much crepe paper.
Every prom season, she comes back.
She still wants to dance.
The headless prom queen is back!
What else could it be?
Move along, kids.
You want to have a conversation,
do it in the back of class.
Principal Moss,
have you heard anything
about Tom Landry being haunted
by a headless prom queen?
No, we had a couple kids choke on erasers, but no hauntings.
I'd probably remember something like that.
Joseph, tomorrow night
we are getting video proof of Prom Queen Mary!
CHAD: Before Debbie gets here,
I didn't exactly tell her you were my roommate.
I said you were my gay butler.
Oh, no, you didn't!
(laughing)
Here comes trouble!
LEIF (on TV): Dude, she's not gonna buy it.
When I slept with Debbie last night,
I told her I was a race car driver.
CHAD (on TV): Oh, no, you didn't!
(laughs)
Those roommates!
Aren't they funny?
That's it!
I was watching TV last night,
and I figured out what was missing from my life.
Everything, except a TV?
A roommate!
It will transform my life
from gritty drama to bright new comedy!
Hey, hey, whoa, man. That's madness.
Now, hold on there, Bill.
Why don't you start small and work your way up to a roommate?
What about that fighting fish you've had your eye on?
Nope, roommate!
Bill, guys your age don't get roommates
unless they're in prison.
And that only works
because they have something in common.
No, Hank, having a roommate will be instant fun all the time.
Roommates go on double dates, they swap clothes.
When the phone rings,
and it's a person you're avoiding,
you can whisper, "I don't want to talk to him,"
and your roommate will say, "He's right here."
That's hilarious!
Bill, you and your roommate crack me up.
What can possibly happen next?
Everyone, slow down.
Bill, if you weren't you and you met you,
would you want to live with you?
Well, maybe not, but someone will.
I placed this ad online.
"Roommate urgently wanted for fun, good times,
"and getting in and out of jams.
"I'm up for anything.
Anything."
Think I'll get any responses?
Unfortunately, yes.
Bill, whoever you get affects us, too.
(sighs)
I'm sorry, but we're taking over your roommate search.
I still get final decision, right?
Yes.
But we reserve ultimate decision.
Fair enough.
As an artist,
I'm not able to pay rent.
But I will fill your home with art.
Over there, I see a rusty bathtub
filled with bicycle parts and urine.
Sounds beautiful.
Here's two keys... No.
I-I-I don't want the small room.
I want the big room-- your room.
Okay. When can you...
And I changed my mind.
I want both rooms-- All the rooms!
And a sign in front that says "Jimmy's House."
I don't hear a deal-breaker.
Bill.
So I'm Kadee Calhoun.
I recently got divorced, so I'm looking for a new place.
I hostess at Luly's and...
(gasps): Are you the same Kadee Calhoun
who was Miss March, 1978?
Why, yes I am.
Oh, God...
Tum-ons: Kurt Vonnegut Jr. And mopeds.
Turnoffs: war.
Do you still miniature golf in the nude
or was that just for the picture?
Wow... you really remember.
I have a memory for things I look at all the time.
Well, those pictures were taken a lifetime ago.
Now, I'm just focused on my career,
staying positive, and finding a place to live.
I hope I'm what you're looking for.
Well, Kadee Calhoun, I am quite confident
that you've... Got to keep looking.
Good luck with that.
Bill, you'd just get
emotionally involved with someone like her.
No, no, no! No, I wouldn't.
Look at her! She needs me.
We're here to find a middle-aged guy
with a job, that's it.
Sorry for wasting your time,
Miss, uh... March.
Remember, it's Luanne's wedding video in here,
so we don't want to tape over it unless we are positive
it's a ghost. (rattling)
What's that rattling?
Is it the spirit board?
Maybe she's trying to tell us something.
No, I couldn't find the spirit board,
so I brought Word Scramble.
Maybe she's trying to tell us something in spelling.
(gasps); Joseph!
Those are not human words!
JOSEPH: She's in the science lab!
She's trying to reanimate herself!
(door creaking)
Run!
(both screaming)
Here's a good way to save money.
Instead of throwing away calendars, save them
and use them again in seven to 14 years.
Huh. (phone ringing)
Hello?
Dad, you have to come get us.
Bobby? Where are you?
We're in the girls' bathroom at school.
It's actually not that different.
And there is some creepy stuff going on.
(sighs): I'll be right there.
Don't touch anything.
I can't believe
you kids broke into the school
over this nonsense.
Bobby, you're grounded.
Joseph, I'm sure your dad
will have his own punishment for you.
Oh, I will.
For starters, mister, you will be my shield
when we encounter the headless prom queen.
Dale, there is no prom queen.
(screams)
(Yawns)
I didn't hear the bell.
Is it first period already?
When my wife and I split up,
she got the money and the house, and I was living in the car.
Then she got the car, too,
so this is the logical choice.
I can't believe Principal Moss is living
at Tom Landry Middle School.
I know, with a ghost!
You fellas have time to stay for a health film?
I know the good ones.
Carl, you can't keep sleeping at the school.
I know that, Hank.
But I had a hell of a run.
Wait a sec.
The solution to everyone's problem is right here.
No, it's not.
Bill, meet your new roommate.
You got Skinemax?
Yes.
Let's do it.
I'll just get the crate of little milks,
and that's all my stuff.
Please, Hank.
I want adventure and fun-loving good times.
Carl smells like sloppy joes.
Carl is the perfect roommate for you.
One, he'll be able to pay rent.
Were you gonna give me a "two"?
Dang it, you don't need a "two."
(mumbles): Do need a two.
Sure gonna be different sleeping in a place
where bells don't go off every 50 minutes.
Well, I know you guys are eager to make a chore wheel,
so I'm gonna get out of your way.
Well, let's make the best of this.
What do you want to do first?
Buy a foosball table?
Crash a wedding?
I should pick up some deodorant.
I've been using blackboard chalk
under my arms for the last three months.
(sighs)
Let's go.
Uh, it seems we're after
the same pack of party napkins.
May I offer a compromise?
You and your friend can wipe your faces with them
at a pizza party my roommate and I are throwing.
(giggling)
Only if you let my roommate and me
bring this giant thing of margarita mix.
You guys got a blender?
Hey, Bill?
Which of these bad boys fits better, you think?
My 'rhoids are murder.
(sighs) Excuse us.
(Signs)
They both look nice.
Bobby, with Principal Moss living nearby,
the most important homework you could do
is to cozy up to him.
I get it.
You say "suck up," I say "how high?"
Exactly.
He is almost done with his cigarette.
When he finishes, I want you to go out there and...
Aw, too late.
He started another one.
Damn.
(gasps): He'll need an ashtray!
Go!
So we call it the "Bully Awards."
And when the bullies come onstage
to accept their prize, we pack them up
and ship them to another school.
Mm-hmm.
What's the story with Gribble's wife?
Uh, I'll just freshen this up.
DALE: Thanks for having us over, guys.
(gasps): I love the literacy posters.
Is that your touch, Carl?
They're covering some holes in the plaster.
Carl had a little too much to drink
and thought his shadow was attacking him.
Uh, okay, jacks or better to open.
Carl, why don't you put on some shoes?
It's okay to walk around barefoot
when it's just you and me, but we have company.
Oh, right, your fancy party that you've been planning for days.
Well, here it is,
the social event of the season.
MOSS: Is it everything you dreamed of, Bill?
We'll talk about it later.
It never stops.
"Carl, put on your shoes.
"Carl, get up so I can vacuum.
Carl, don't fall asleep on the toilet."
Try living with that.
Um...
we're still looking for our jacks.
You see how he is?
And another thing, Carl swore he didn't eat
all my mustard, but I know he did.
Tonight, after he vomits, I'll have my proof.
You still yappin' about that mustard?
Oh, look who's back.
BOOMHAUER: Aw, man, look,
talkin' about a dang ol' cat fight, man.
(hissing)
Man, I'm getting out of here, man.
I'm out, too.
I'm Boomhauer's designated walker.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, I might not have set my parking brake.
(groans)
That one went in my beer!
(chuckles): That's the kind of thing
if you were trying to do it, you just couldn't.
(groans): Oh, I hate you!
I could have had a Miss March living here
instead of you!
Hank was wrong!
And now I'm gonna make things right!
Table for one? Bill!
I'm here under false pretenses.
I already had a big lunch, and I,
I don't need a table for one.
I have a house for two.
Kadee, will you be my roommate?
Yeah, I'm still looking, so sure.
Oh! You've made me so happy!
And this happiness makes me hungry.
Table for one.
That's the last of it.
I'm giving Carl five more minutes,
and then I'm putting him on this pile.
All of this could have been avoided
with an egg timer in the bathroom.
It got Peggy and me
through the roughest patch in our marriage.
I feel bad we're throwing
Carl out of the house.
Me, too.
But we'll watch movies
and eat popcorn and forget all about it.
Bill, you always make me feel better.
Guess I'll go check out the closet space.
(sighs)
Bill, this is going to go badly.
Extremely badly.
And when it does, don't come crying to me.
(laughs)
You should write some of this down, Hank.
If Kadee and I end up getting married,
you'll need funny stuff for your best man speech.
12:05. It's checkout time at Casa Dauterive.
Carl, I need the room.
Carl?
(gasps) MOSS: Bill.
Guess who thinks I've got cute feet?
It's weird, Bill.
It started as a good-bye hug and just kept going.
Guess some days it just pays
not to get out of bed, huh, William?
Mm-hmm, well, Kadee and I have a lot of roommate stuff
to go over, Carl, so you're in the way.
Time to leave.
Let's hear what the lady has to say.
Face it, Bill.
Things would get kind of boring with just the two of us.
(sighs)
Bill, I'm gonna need my pillow.
I'll go get it.
♪ ♪
(Kadee and Moss giggle)
Hey, Bill. What's new?
It's like I don't see you anymore.
We're out of O.J., roomie.
Yeah, things are great.
Kadee and Carl get along fabulously,
thank goodness.
And Kadee's got so much energy.
She's always dashing out in the middle of the night
or getting strange phone calls
from a really impolite Russian guy.
(snickers)
Or warning me not to touch all these
mysterious boxes she's got.
Life's good.
(chuckles, sighs)
Well, looks like you've got company.
(Russian accent): This Kadee's house?
I have many boxes for her.
It's my house, actually.
I, I think we've chatted on the phone.
My name is...
Go away, Yankee Doodle.
We'll call you if we need you.
Okay. Nice night for a stroll.
Uh, thought I'd come in.
I've got to get up in four hours.
Bill, we have an interesting opportunity here.
Kadee and her ex-husband, Yuri, have lots
of authentic-looking merchandise
at low, low prices.
They even get all the hit Hollywood movies
while they're still in the theaters.
Eye-popping CGI, man.
And because he's the principal,
handsome here said we could sell our things
at Tom Landry Middle School.
Especially the movies.
That way, kids won't be downloading them
off the Internet, which is illegal.
(coughs)
Is fake vodka.
(glass breaking) Now I ready to crash.
No! I'm putting my foot down.
Yuri, Carl, I want you both out!
Kadee, I still want to live with you
but you need a better attitude.
We split difference.
Everybody stay.
Even you.
MOSS (over P.A.): Attention, students and faculty.
Today's fire drill is canceled
so you can take advantage of a fire sale.
So stop by the principal's office
for some A+ merchandise
at D-minus prices.
That's my neighbor!
(speaking Russian)
Bill won't admit it, but I know
something's going on over there.
Yesterday, that Yuri tried to sell me
Tim Conway's Dorf On Golf 8.
Everyone knows that's not coming out for another six months.
Like all Russians, he's just after your blue jeans.
I'm afraid to put our laundry on the line.
I'm pooped.
School was exhausting.
But the bargains were incredible.
Why are you wearing a girl's purse?
It's a Louis Vuitton backpack and it's unisex.
Question: Does the Devil wear Prada?
I don't know, but the propane salesman does.
And Mom,
I have nothing up my sleeve, except...
Hermes scarves.
(gasps, giggles)
Bobby, where did all this stuff come from?
Principal Moss had a special sale.
He even threw in this Cartier 'cause we're neighbors.
All right, that's it.
I'm going over there.
Hank, wear your Prada!
Look who changed mind.
One Dorf on Golf coming up.
I'm not here to buy an illegal comedy product.
Let me talk to Bill.
Fat man! Visitor!
Hi, Hank.
I'd invite you in,
but we only have four fondue forks.
Bill, you can drop the act.
I know your roommates are running
a counterfeit goods operation.
Are they? (laughs)
Those nutty nuts.
Look, I know I said when this thing blows up,
don't come crying to me.
Well, you can come cry to me.
(whines)
The important thing is that you agree
to stop making decisions for yourself.
Yes, Hank.
Now, we gotta move fast
before you get even more got-dang roommates.
I think the problem is,
I don't have enough roommates.
I have an idea.
That sounds like decision talk.
Please, Hank.
Give me one more chance to fix this myself.
All right.
I supervise a lot of math teachers, Yuri,
and your dividing by three skills need a lot of work.
You forgot overhead.
Magic markers, white-out...
BILL: So, here's the place.
Oh, hi.
This is Octavio and his brothers.
They're gonna be living here, too,
as my guests.
From now on, I park in the driveway, esse.
Driveway space is mine.
Roommate vote.
Who wants the scary new guys to leave?
Who wants the scary new guys to stay?
Tiebreaker!
If the dude filming this takes one more call on his cell, man,
I'm turning this off!
Who drank my soy milk?
I didn't see no name on it.
I drew a bunny on it. Same thing!
Hey, we're not taking crap from an ex-centerfold.
You listen to me.
Once a bunny, always a bunny!
Uh-oh, are my roommates not getting along?
Maybe a few of you want to move out.
Casual Encounter?
South of Rainey Street is mine for perfume, esse.
Is different demographic.
Don't be baby.
Baby? I'll show you baby.
Let's go! (Kadee grunts)
(crashing)
(siren wails)
Once the police get a handle on things,
I think we'll agree that my plan was a good one.
So I'm thinking of moving out.
Things have gotten too complicated.
Okay.
Did I get a security deposit from you?
(sighs)
CHAD (on TV): Hold on.
You gave our rent money to a phony fortune-teller?
She wasn't phony.
She predicted you'd be mad!
(canned laughter)
LEIF: Oh, no, you didn't!
Ripped By mstoll