(NARRATOR READING)
Ripped By mstoll
My counterpart is in peril and I must get to Tatooine at once.
Can't you go faster?
I am going as fast as I can,
but if you keep bothering me, I will go slower.
(GRUNTS) Really.
You know R2-D2?
He's a hero of the Rebellion.
- I have his card. - Hmm.
Haven't seen her for a long time.
No way.
That's Hera, captain of the Ghost. You know her, too?
Oh, yes, Artoo and I first encountered her and her scruffy band of rebels
some years ago now.
We took part in one of their missions.
- Wow. - "Wow" indeed.
Um, you do, of course, have my card in your little book.
Don't think so. Who are you?
I am C-3PO, you little twerp.
And you should know that it was I
who played the most significant part in that early Rebel mission.
Albeit quite by accident.
Would you like to tell us about it?
I thought I would, yes.
Artoo and I were on loan to an Imperial diplomat
when we found ourselves in the middle of a most brazen hijacking.
Halt, thieves.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
Master Amda Wabo says that crate contains his ion disruptors
and he wants you to let him have it.
ZEB: Oh, of course.
There must be some mistake. We can let him have it.
(BEEPING)
Danger? (CHUCKLES) I'm in no danger.
As far as I am aware,
there is only one way to interpret the phrase "let him have it".
(SCREAMS) Let him have it.
Artoo, we are surrounded by brigands. I mean, just look at these ruffians.
(CHEERS)
C-3PO: A terrifyingly strong Lasat of dubious temperament.
(MOANS)
A Mandalorian who knows her way around explosives.
A street rat of ridiculous agility and talent.
The fellow who seems to be some sort of secret Jedi.
And a rather curious, disagreeable droid.
- What do we do? - (BEEPS)
Follow the junk-bot?
Good thinking, Artoo.
We'll be quite safe from those ghastly hooligans in here.
Who are you calling ghastly?
C-3PO: A Twi'lek with extraordinary piloting skills.
- I... - And who are you calling hooligans?
I used that word "hooligans" in only the most complimentary of ways, of...
We can check the dictionary later, but for now we gotta go.
(GROANS)
Uh, pardon me, but this bolt you have attached seems to be restraining me.
(BEEPS)
- It's a restraining bolt. - That would explain it, then.
You stay here till we figure out what to do with you.
(WHISPERING)
R2-D2, just remember it was your idea to follow that junk-bot.
- (METAL THUNKING) - (YELPS)
He said it. I think you're ruggedly handsome.
Easy, Chopper, don't damage them. They might be worth something.
You see, Artoo? We're quite safe.
They know just how valuable we are to the Empire.
They're with the Empire? Sell 'em for scrap.
(GRUNTS) Oh.
Let's worry about getting these disruptors to our buyer first.
Then we'll deal with them.
I will handle this.
Mayday, Mayday. Somebody help us. Anyone...
Never you mind where I was hiding it.
KALLUS: I hear you. Can I help?
C-3PO: My counterpart and I have been captured by thugs
who may be potential enemies of the Empire.
Is that so? Send me your coordinates. I'll be right there.
Okay, let's get these disruptors loaded.
I'm just glad they won't fall into the hands of...
The Empire.
- Wow, it's like you read my... - (THUMPING)
Uh-oh.
Surrender, rebels.
And that's my cue to flee.
Bye now.
How did they find us here?
Yes. My saviours have arrived. (CHEERING)
He called the Empire on us.
(BEEPING)
Thank the Maker you're here to save me from these criminals.
(SCREAMS)
You didn't hear me call you criminals, did you?
I guess they did.
(SCREAMS AND PANTS)
This is not my bravest day.
Chopper, we can't let the Empire get their hands on these disruptors.
Chopper?
(C-3PO GROANS)
Of course. Overload the disruptors and boom.
Great work, Goldy, you're a Rebel hero.
Are you calling me a rebel?
Yep, and you just struck a major blow against the Empire.
We're gonna majorly blow ourselves up
if we don't get out of here.
They fled like cowards
and left the Emperor's whining and glowing ion disruptors for us.
Uh-oh.
(EXPLODING)
BAIL: Thanks for returning my droids.
I hope they weren't any trouble.
No trouble at all.
- (BEEPING) - Don't listen to him.
That was nice of those folks to return you two to me.
Something about you being a hero.
Hero? Ha! I hardly think so, Senator.
They were trying to overthrow the Empire.
And what's wrong with that?
I'm going to keep an eye on these rebels of yours.
They are not mine.
Oh, dear, you are a rebel, too?
Can I, just once, not be in the middle of exciting action?
TWI'LEK KID: Hey, there you are.
C-3PO: That's not my best photo.
And thus began nine action-packed years in the service of the Rebellion.
Rarely has a day gone by when Artoo has not put my life in danger.
(WHIMPERS) How I miss him.
Ladies and gentlemen and Hutts, we are now arriving in Mos Eisley.
C-3PO: At last.
Artoo. Artoo, are you here?
Oh, that's him.
R2-D2, it...
Isn't you.
Run! The Jawas are on the prowl!
The Cantina? I thought you didn't allow droids in there.
I do now.
I lost all my customers to the new place across the street.
Come to Watto's Grotto. Now 50% scummier and villainier.
(LAUGHS)
Attention, cowering droids.
Have any of you seen my friend, R2-D2?
- Anyone? - No offence.
We just don't want to get involved.
Well, sometimes getting involved is the right thing to do.
The evil Empire might still be in power if Artoo hadn't gotten involved.
Allow me to tell you a little story.
Artoo and I were in the service of Princess Leia,
the leader of the Rebel Alliance.
She possessed stolen plans for the Empire's new weapon, the Death Star.
But Darth Vader captured her on the way to Alderaan.
(DARTH VADER CLEARS THROAT)
Hi there.
(SCREAMING)
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) That sounded too desperate. Let's do another one.
- Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my... - (GUNS FIRING)
Find that princess.
We're good. Gotta go.
Artoo, you're still in one piece.
(BEEPS)
My shoelace is untied? Thank you.
I don't have shoelaces.
(GROANS) Or shoes for that matter.
Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into.
- (BEEPS) - What mission? You have a mission?
Oh, fine. Be that way.
Go off on your own, then. See if I care.
Actually, I do care.
Wa... Wait! Hey, over here.
Oh, we're saved.
Huh? Oh!
- (CHEERING) - (SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
So humiliating.
Put up for sale by a disgusting band of Jawas.
And I can just imagine the filthy, uncouth brute who will purchase us.
Luke. Over here.
LUKE: Coming, Uncle Owen.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPS)
Yes, I suppose some would find him dreamy.
We'll take this one and that R5 unit there.
So it seems this is goodbye, Artoo.
(BEEPS)
He malfunctioned.
We'll take, uh, that one.
Okay, well, that one.
Oops, what about that one?
Darned. What about that one?
That one looks pretty good.
That one.
Okay.
I guess we'll take the only non-exploded one.
(BEEPS)
Very good.
Clean them both up and start them working on the farm.
We are most happy to be in your employ, Master Luke.
You will find us obedient and hard-working,
and we will never give you any trouble...
Where did Artoo go?
Oh, man.
Princess Leia refuses to divulge the location of the Rebel base,
but with the power of the Force I will be most persuasive.
The Force. (SCOFFS)
Enough with that old magic trick mumbo jumbo.
Your sad devotion to...
(GASPING AND CHOKING)
(SCREAMS)
Not afraid of the Force, huh?
Stop it.
This is not funny.
(GRUNTING)
I find your lack of appreciation for physical comedy disturbing.
(LAUGHING)
Artoo's gotta be here somewhere.
Master Luke, might I point out the dangers of searching while driving?
I know what I'm doing, I... I think I saw him.
- Uh oh. - Ahh!
Sorry, Old Ben. Guys, this is Old Ben Kenobi.
He's a crazy old...
(BEEPING)
Do pardon him.
He keeps going on about some mission,
delivering a message to an Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I am Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I changed my name to hide from the Empire.
You didn't change your last name?
- You didn't change your last name. - Huh?
No, nothing, nothing. Let's see that message of yours.
I need you to deliver the Death Star plans hidden in this R2 unit
to the Rebel base on Alderaan immediately.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
I must go to Alderaan immediately.
Luke, you must come along if you are to learn the ways of the Jedi,
but it would mean giving up your life here on Tatooine.
Yippee!
That boy has too much of his father in him.
You two wait here while we go inside to find a pilot.
We shouldn't be long.
(SHOTS FIRING)
He was right, they weren't long.
Guys, this is Han Solo and Chewbacca.
They're gonna take us to Alderaan.
A pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- Yeah, whatever. Let's move it. - (ROARS)
Hmm, probably caught him on a bad day.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, I'm pretty good at this.
Now do it wearing the helmet. Let the Force guide you.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
I think I'm getting good at this.
You broke my "Galaxy's Best Pilot" mug.
Captain Solo, pardon me, but, uh,
being that you are such a great pilot, I am sure that you are aware
that a tractor beam is pulling us towards that large moon.
OBI-WAN: That's no moon.
It's a super-moon.
It's a floating battlestation.
Yes, that was my second guess.
It appears to be empty, Lord Vader.
It's probably just your typical ship
drifting through space without anyone in it.
I see it all the time.
Yes, probably so.
And yet I feel a presence I haven't felt since...
- Uh, since what, sir? - None of your business.
You, stay here.
The rest, go back to guarding the Princess.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Princess Leia is here? We have to rescue her.
If I may interject, no, we don't.
I'm with the Professor here.
There's no way we can get past those stormtroopers.
Leave that to me and my Jedi mind trick.
Hey, troopers, look over there.
(GROANING)
I'll turn off the tractor beam so we can escape.
You three find Princess Leia, and you have a very important task.
Wait in this closet.
Well, we're quite safe from any danger in here.
Oh, look, a mouse droid. How cute.
Oh, not cute. So not cute.
(SHOT FIRES)
Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you.
Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
I'm the exact same size as everyone else in our universe.
We gotta go, kid.
There we are.
Turning off the tractor beam was surprisingly easy.
- Oh, pardon me. - It was my fault.
BOTH: Wait.
Appreciate the help,
but I'm pretty sure I could have gotten shot attempting to escape on my own.
(GRUNTS) Sure, but would you have looked this handsome while doing it?
Great banter, guys, but we're trapped.
Follow me into this unknown smelly place.
- (ROARS) - (WHOOPING)
LUKE: This isn't so bad.
(BEEPS)
Uh-oh. Threepio.
We fell into a trash compactor and now the walls are closing in.
Have Artoo shut it down.
(STAMMERING) We're a bit preoccupied.
But we'll do our best.
(STRUGGLING) Artoo, shut it down.
(BEEPS)
Curse your metal body. Take that!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Listen, Artoo. They're cheering because we saved them.
LUKE: No, we're yelling because we're about to get crushed.
(SHOUTS) Shut this thing off!
- Oh. - (BEEPS)
Let's get Obi-Wan and
get out of here.
You can't win, Darth.
If you strike me down,
I'll become more powerful than you can ever imagine.
You're just jealous of me.
(GRUNTS) This again? Strike me down, please.
(LIGHTSABER WHOOSING)
What happened? Is that crazy old man running around naked somewhere?
Huh? The Princess?
We gotta go.
Now, that was a textbook escape.
I don't know what textbooks you read, because we've got company.
- How nice. I'll go bake a cake. - (THUD)
It's not that kind of company.
Here's your chance to be a hero, kid.
- I got him. - Great, kid.
Don't get cocky.
Come on. I just saved you, be nice.
Don't get whiny, either.
I'm not being whiny.
Oh, for crying out loud. Chewie?
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS) I guess I was a little whiny.
(ROARS)
The Death Star has only one weak spot,
a teeny eensy weensy thermal exhaust port
vulnerable to proton torpedoes.
It's a one in a billion chance and you probably won't come back alive.
I like those odds. Who's with me?
(REBEL PILOTS CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES) Humans.
Well, at least we have the good sense to stay here.
(BEEPS)
Artoo, why do you do these crazy things?
(BEEPS)
"Danger" is not your middle name. Your middle name is "hyphen."
LUKE: Here we go. May the Force be with us.
Don't do anything foolish.
More foolish than what you're already doing.
All right, we're going in.
LUKE: I've lost Artoo.
No!
Why do I go to these kind of movies?
OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke. Let go.
- Hey, cut that out. - Oops.
OBI-WAN: Use the Force.
But maybe this time, keep your eyes open.
DARTH VADER: I have you now.
- What? - Yeah!
(GRUNTING)
(DARTH VADER SCREAMING)
Yeah! I missed Vader and hit that other ship just like I intended to.
(GRUNTING)
Just like I intended to.
Here goes nothing.
(CLANKING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Where are those medals?
Coming, Your Highness.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm still rather broken up about poor Artoo.
- He never made it back... - (BEEPING)
R2-D2, ah, you survived. It's a miracle. Ahh!
(CLANGS)
Oh, dear.
(SIGHS)
(SHUSHING)
And that is how Artoo helped destroy the Death Star.
And all because he was brave enough to get involved.
- (SOBS) - Come to think of it,
maybe I did see your friend.
He was with some strange fella buying up droids from the Jawas.
Bless your mechanical hearts.
Artoo. Artoo.
R2-D2. Don't go.
Stop.
This is just not my day.
Huh?
It's another miracle.
Chewbacca, you can help me find Artoo.
But we must leave at once.
Uh, you weren't going anywhere, were you?
(ROARS)
C-3PO: Thank you for postponing your vacation.
(SIGHS)
I owe you for this, and for the medal, of course.
- (ROARS) - (STAMMERS) Oh, nothing, nothing.
NARRATOR: Find out what happens in the next thrilling chapter of
Droid Tales, "Flight of the Falcon."
Ripped By mstoll