I have to tell you folks,
Honestly, when I knew That I was going to be doing
This last farewell show,
The first person That I asked for
Is this next guest
Who is, in my opinion, If I may say,
The, uh, first lady Of american comedy,
Ms. Carol burnett.
[Applause]
I-- i-- i--
The audience Loves you.
I love you.
What an honor To have you here
On, uh, my-- My last, uh, night.
Thank you,
And thank you for that--
That beautiful introduction.
Oh, well, I meant it.
Honestly. From--
From my heart.
You were the first Person that I called To have on the show.
Thank you for-- For being here.
I really was The first person?
You were The literally--
Honestly, The first person That I called
When I said, "You know what?
Really? "I think it's over.
Uh-huh. I want Carol burnett."
[Audience laughs]
To be on the show.
To be-- Yeah.
[Audience laughs]
There was that, too.
You know-- The first.
I don't-- I don't Believe you.
You should Believe me.
No, I don't believe you Because I know...
I was not the first person You called.
Wasn't she The first person We called?
You're-- you're-- No, no, no.
No, he's speaking The truth.
You are the First person.
Ellen.
Ellen?
Come.
[Applause and cheers]
What A nice surprise.
Ellen: yeah.
Ellen, when did He call you?
Um, tuesday morning.
Ohhh.
[Audience laughs]
You called me On wednesday.
Don't do this to me.
I called you... [Clears throat]
Wednesday.
I did-- I called you--
Her, tuesday. Tuesday.
Please, this is My last night.
[Audience laughs]
Speaking Of last shows--
I saw you-- I saw Your last show.
Let's just talk About you first
Because I am Just such a huge fan,
And I just-- Your last show Was just so moving.
Carol: well, I loved What you did on yours.
I had no idea--
I mean, I love your work,
But I had no idea That you were that versatile.
Yeah-- I mean, with all the stuff That you did.
A lot of people don't know
I started out As a plate spinner,
But it's just The stuff that--
But people Will catch up eventually.
Carol: you know what I wish?
Carol: Well, I wish that I still had my show
So that we could Work together
And we could Do sketches.
I wish that we-- That would be so great To work with you
Because I just think You're the most brilliant--
[Audience applauds]
I wish that I still had My show so I could have you on.
This is my-- This is my last night.
[Audience laughs]
I understand That sometimes
You do questions And answers On your show.
Yeah. That you talk To the audience.
I used to talk To the audience.
That is so much fun. Yeah, I love that. I miss that.
That's what I'm gonna miss.
Carol: you know What I'm doing Now and then?
I go out. I go out--
You know, this Is my last night,
And it would really Mean a lot to me
If you guys could just-- I'm over there.
Well, what-- What's a shame
Is that you would go out Like this as a liar.
[Audience laughs] But anyway...
Audience: ooh!
Why don't we take A little break...
And let me try To figure this out?
Sure, but anyway--
But you do the question And answer?
I go out on tour. Right?
Yeah, I go on tour, And I do q&as,
And it's wonderful.
You'll fly By the seat Of the pants.
It's not Written like Some of this stuff.
[Audience laughs]
We'll be right back. No flipping.
[Applause and cheers]
Our next guest-- You're not going To believe it.
We've dreamed of having him on.
He's probably never dreamed Of being here,
But we have him tonight.
It's a rare occasion.
One of the finest actors alive,
Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't be a bigger fan,
Mr. Sean penn. Mr. Sean penn.
You know, first of all--
Look at this. Huh?
Now, let me ask you this.
You live-- You do not live In l.A. Am I correct?
No, I live up In northern california.
Well, thank you for coming.
Sure.
Let's not-- I'm only--
Let's not make A big deal about it.
It's not That long a flight.
I mean, everyone's Going, "wow. He flew all the way
From northern California."
It could be a long flight. They can--
I had a stewardess tell me As we were landing--
I had a script I was looking at.
She said, uh, That I had to put it Away for landing.
This was a script.
A script. Yeah.
And I had-- You know, you have A magazine on your lap,
They don't say anything, But I think she sorta Had it in for me,
And I could see she had That nasty thing coming up,
And I just decided no.
And I said, "no."
[Audience laughs]
She said, "you're Gonna have to give me That script, sir."
And I said, "no."
She didn't call it a script.
So she goes and talks To the pilot.
She comes back, and she says, "Sir, I have to tell you
That you are In violation of a far."
Of a "far"?
Which I figure is federal Aviation regulation Or something--
That you're not allowed To have a script?
Right.
So why don't they-- Marshals could come In here right now
Because I've violated a far.
Was the script that bad?
[Laughs]
So what was the script, If I may ask?
What was The storyline Of the script?
Uh, I didn't get that far Because I wasn't really Reading it.
I was just wanting-- Trying to annoy her.
Just trying to annoy The stewardess.
[Applause] Well, You did the job.
Let me ask you this: What is coming up next?
Uh, well, I just finished A movie called hurlyburly.
Oh. That was a play, Wasn't it?
Right. David rabe. David rabe.
Great cast.
Who's in the cast?
Uh, kevin spacey, Anna paquin,
My wife robin,
Garry shandling...
Wow.
Chazz palminteri...
What a fantastic Cast, huh?
Yeah. Good-- good group.
Fantastic cast.
It's the spectrum Of acting ability.
Who's on the low end Of the, uh, ability There?
Oh, I'm not gonna go, You know, there.
But we made a great movie.
Well, Good luck with it.
Why don't we take A break, and we'll Come right back.
No flipping. Be right back.
That's fantastic.
I'll tell you.
It was shandling.
Really? This guy, Unbelievable.
The most insecure man I've ever met in my life.
Has no focus at all.
Yeah, he--
Before our director tony drazan Would even say, "cut,"
He'd look at me and say, "How was i?"
Really? Relentless.
Wow.
Yeah, and it didn't stop there.
I don't know if he knew
That my wife and i Were together or...
But he was constantly after her, Trying to get in her trailer.
You know him from his hugely Successful television show
And from his many movies,
Please welcome tim allen. Tim allen.
Hey, close the fucking door!
I heard the news About Jon Stewart.
What, he's leaving The agency?
Yeah. You know why?
He says he caught me In a lie.
Right. Oh, my god, I told a fuckin' lie.
Yeah, I told him His fuckin' show
Would run for 20 years.
He didn't seem To mind that lie.
Look, can I be Honest with you?
He's got nothing.
I'm telling you,
I took a shit This morning With more talent.
Fucking artists. They're all crazy, neurotic,
Babies.
You want?
Where'd you get it?
Jimmy federson.
He gave it to me At the simon wiesenthal dinner.
God damn it. Fuck.
I can't tell you How easy our job would be
If we didn't have To deal with talent.
But none of us are happy.
You-- Ten years.
Yes, ten years. That's a big deal.
Well, I appreciate it.
Everybody in the business Is gonna miss you so much.
That's so kind Of you.
No, I'm serious.
Fucking celebrity Circle jerk.
We'll have some free time. Let's get together. I look forward to that.
Do something. You've got me.
You've got me committed On the air.
Ten years. Can I say it? Ten years.
We'll be right back.
No flipping. We'll be right back.
That was fantastic. Thank you.
Thanks, thanks. You're welcome.
You want to get together next Week, maybe, and do something?
My kids are coming to see me. Your kids?
Anyway, I've got to split. I've got stuff-- Thanks for coming by.
Ten years. You want my home number?
Got your home number. It's been great.
Hey, tim. Tim?
jungle 2 jungle?
Underrated.
We're back, And welcome back.
Now...
Before...
We bring out our next guest,
I guess this is where We're going to take a moment
To hear from Hank.
I understand you've Got something you Would like to say.
Got a little something I'd like to say.
Thank you. I've been Waiting for this.
Uh, i, um, I just wanted To say a very heartfelt
And deeply sincere way--
Oh, my god. Jerry seinfeld!
[Applause]
Jerry seinfeld.
Oh, my god.
Why don't You sit here?
What a--
What an Unexpected--
What a pleasant Surprise for you To come by.
Well, Larry, i Just wanted to come by
And let you know that We're going to miss you
And to say good-bye, And I think you're really Doing the right thing.
Thank you. That means so much to me.
Thank you so much.
And that was very touching, By the way, what you Were saying.
Thank you. That was just the first part.
I wasn't-- I wasn't finished.
Oh, well, if that was just The first part,
Then it was fantastic.
But, um...
Anyway, Larry,
We're certainly going to enjoy
Watching you in syndication After this.
This show isn't going to be Syndicated.
Oh, that's right. That's me.
That is...
That is you. You're thinking Of you.
Hank: The last 10 years...
Have been your gift to The people of this country...
But they've also Been a gift to a man
Who goes by the name Of Hank Kingsley.
Every night?
Every night.
Then you're Definitely doing The right thing.
Why don't we take a break. No flipping.
We'll be right back.
My next guest is-- We're so lucky to have him.
He's a fantastic singer.
He's a friend, and he's been On the show many times Over the years.
We're lucky to have him. Clint black.
Clint black, Ladies and gentlemen.
This is a terrific crowd.
Thank you for participating In this evening.
This is the night to be on.
They said if I did real well,
You'd have me back again.
Well, let's see how it goes.
You know, I had a surprise for you.
What would that be?
It was a surprise for me,
And they forgot to tell me What it was, so...
So it's a surprise For everybody.
For both of us.
Now, I see that there is a-- If I may say...
Can you say? A guitar back there.
What is that?
Oh, my goodness.
See, I was hoping They would say that.
I think we would all Love to hear you sing.
What are you going to--
Well, as a huge fan,
We all-- I think I can Speak for everybody
Not just here In the audience But at home
That we hate To see you go.
Thank you very much.
[Applause]
And so I wanted think Of something
That would be appropriate,
That I might sing to...
Kind of maybe embody What we wall feel
And maybe a little Of what you feel,
Although without talking To your shrink--
Play the damn song.
Anyway this is--
This is a song that...
I think Will really say it all.
Thank you.
Now I have to get sentimental.
♪ I've been bound To leave you ♪
♪ Gettin' on that For a while ♪
♪ I'm sure it's something I can't do ♪
♪ If I can't leave you With a smile ♪
♪ I don't know how far ♪
♪ I'll have to go ♪
♪ Till I'm sure Those eyes won't cry ♪
♪ And in my mind I've left ♪
♪ Enough to know ♪
♪ That I can't leave you ♪
♪ With a bad good-bye ♪
♪ Good-bye... ♪
Got another job.
Oh, great. Tell me.
It sucks.
I'm gonna be The contestant Coordinator
For jeopardy.
Oh. I like-- I like that show.
Yeah, right.
I get To spend all day
Asking a bunch Of fucking eggheads
If they know Anything about The monroe doctrine.
Well, get this:
Hank offered me a job.
$300 a week With no benefits.
I'm sorry.
I'm thinking Of taking it.
♪ I'm still bound To leave you ♪
♪ I surely Don't know how... ♪
Artie.
Hey, bruno, How you doing?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You bumping me?
What?
The man is singing A fucking good-bye song.
I can't believe this shit.
We'll have you on Another time.
Did you just hear What you said?
There is no "Another time."
The party is over. This is it.
Excuse me.
A man singing to a man.
How fuckin' sick is that?
[Sobs]
[Coughs]
♪ Easier said than done ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
♪ There's no good When you're the one ♪
♪ Whose good-bye ♪
♪ You swore would never come ♪
♪ And my good-bye ♪
♪ You're finding on ♪
♪ How can I be So far between ♪
♪ Where we are And one more try? ♪
♪ And any way I look ♪
♪ I've only seen That I can't leave you ♪
♪ With a bad... ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
Good-bye, Larry.
Gonna miss you.
Thank you, clint.
We'll be right back. No flipping.
We'll be right back.
Well...
Welcome back.
[Applause]
I'm, uh, thrilled to have Had the people on tonight
That have come here To, uh, say good night.
You know, television Is a, uh, risky business,
And, uh, you, uh, You want to entertain,
You want to try and do Something new every night,
Want to say something fresh.
Uh, 9 times out of 10, You end up with the ropers,
But hopefully, Uh, occasionally,
Uh, there are nights
When we're not, Uh, one of those 9.
And I have many, many, Many talented people
To thank for, uh...
Making this show work The way it does every night.
Artie, who, of course, uh--
The most talented Television producer,
Uh, around and, uh,
Without whom I could not Have done the last 10 years.
It's an honor, sir. Thank you so much.
And...
Of course, Hank Kingsley, who...
I joke about every night,
But besides the fact that He's such a talented man,
He's a good friend, And I thank you.
And my assistant Beverly,
Who I could not do The show without,
And all of the writers And staff and crew,
Thank you so much,
And to you at home, Thank you so much...
For letting us Be in your house Every night
To entertain you.
It's an honor and, uh, To tell you the truth,
I don't know exactly What I'm going to do Without you.
Thank you so much.
God bless you,
And you may now flip.
[Applause]
Well, buddy, you did it. It was great.
It was a great show.
Really? Yeah.
assolutamente.
[Whispering] I can't get off The stool.
I can't move my legs. [Laughing]
I can't get off the stool.
What? I can't get off the stool.
Yeah?
Here, let me help you.
[Applause]
Larry Sprained his ankle.
I should have waited Another 6 months.
Oh, no, Larry. It's all over.
You did it good. You did good.
Ohh, god.
I hope We beat leno.
Ohh, god.
Artie: Hello, stranger.
Well, well, well.
What are you Doing here?
Oh, just being A sad and pathetic Shithead like you.
Sit down.
Really?
You know, now that I see The desk like that...
I don't know why We didn't try it before.
Oh, hell, If you had done it that way,
We'd probably still be On the air.
Listen, I'm Not gonna get all, Uh, gooey, kiddo,
But I'm sure as hell Gonna miss you.
You're A very clever man,
And in spite Of all the daily This and that,
Your constant Whining about the Size of your ass,
And all the shit You made me clean up
Because you were Too much of a pussy To do it yourself,
Uh, any time I came down here,
I always forgot All that because...
You made me laugh,
And that's What I'm gonna miss.
Oh, ho, I'm gonna Miss those laughs.
And the part about Whining about my ass.
You're gonna miss that A little bit, aren't you?
Because who else is gonna Whine about their ass As much as me?
Come on.
Aw, he knows me All too well.
Hey, hey, here we Are, the happy trio!
Want to have a last Look-see, Hank,
Before it All goes the way Of television?
Hank: thank you!
Thank you for not Letting me say my thank you.
I mean, I knew you guys Were pieces of shit,
But i, you know, I had no idea.
Artie: well, Try not to be such An asshole, will ya?
Hey, don't tell me What to do, ok?
You're not my boss Anymore.
That is over.
What is Your problem?
What is my problem? Hey.
What is my problem?
I spent the last 10 years Being the butt of your jokes.
The little-- The little fucking dog
At the end of the couch!
You know, it's my fault
Because I smiled And I let it happen
Because this face Was being seen
By millions of people Every night
And there Was lots of money
And there was lots Of pussy!
Well, more money Than pussy.
[Laughs]
No more. Larry: what's wrong With you?
No more! I swear to god, no more!
One more-- One more remark,
And I swear, i-- i-- i-- I'll fucking choke you
With my hands!
I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.
I mean, there is a book Called Hank Kingsley,
But there's a new chapter, And you, sir, are not in it,
And you, sir, Are not in it.
And all I gotta say Is fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you for the way You treated me
And the joke--
The joke you made me Out to be.
Fuck you.
He's such A goddamn idiot,
But I sure Do love him.
Well, this Is a nice way
To bring down The curtain on A long career.
You retiring?
Absolutely.
Shit, yeah. I'm just Sick and tired of All the bullshit,
Scraping and bowing To fucking executives
Who think That creativity
Is nothing but an Accounting problem,
So I've had it, And that's it, fini,
And I ain't Never comin' back.
I thought you, uh, Took the job on roseanne.
Oh, that's just A consulting gig, You know.
That doesn't count.
Rosie wants to come Back nice this time,
So she wants to Have me come around One day a week
To scare the shit Out of her staff.
Money's good, So I couldn't Turn it down.
[Clattering]
What the hell Was that?
[Sobbing]
Artie: What is it?
[Sobs]
[Artie laughs]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm...
[Artie chuckles]
I said...
I didn't...
I'm such a baby.
[Sobs]
Could you--
Larry: you can Have the couch.
Ohh, great, oh, great.
Could you give me a hand?
I think I had The car in reverse,
And I ran into The fucking dumpster...
[Sobs]
And it Hooked on my bumper.
Come on, lawrence.
Let's help Our brother here.
He's all hooked up On the dumpster.
Hey, what are you guys Doing tomorrow?
You want to, Like, get together?
I've got a date With illeana douglas.
Oh, good for you!
I guess it's us.
I love you, I love you.
Don't, don't, don't.
Let's go. Let's... Go to the smokehouse
And, uh, think this over.
Hank: I'm such a prick.