(sad piano music)
(screams)
- Well that's rich!
That is rich!
And that it's then, we're just done?
OK, throw it all the way, whatever.
Is this about the money?
Well, excuse me, princess.
Excuse me that I wasn't raised on a diet
of jewels and gold and hay!
(explosion)
I bet he's everything I'm not.
I'm sorry, I'm not a powerful quadruped.
I'm sorry I don't have an ivory tusk
growing out of my forehead.
- [Irene] This has been a long time coming, Jack.
You know that.
- I bet he takes a long time coming.
- [Irene] You're being juvenile.
(flaps lips)
My parents are in the next room, they can hear.
- I want them to hear!
La, la, la...
- [Horse Dad] Perhaps we should go, dear.
- [Horse Mom] But there's still so much quiche!
(Jack growls loudly)
- That's it, isn't it?
I'm just not man enough for you.
- [Irene] It's not that you're not man enough, Jack.
He's just all horse.
- We could've made this work, you know?
But typical you, typical naysayer,
you naysayer, all you say is "Nay!"
(makes neighing sound)
(flaps lips)
(wheezes)
(makes neighing sound)
- [Irene] It's done, I've told him.
I'm coming over now.
- Irene!
I'm sorry, come back!
Come back!
Come back, Irene.
(sniffles)
Come back.
(makes neighing sound)
(yawns)
- Well, this is a sad sight.
Waking up alone again!
- Well, you're never really alone
with a living portrait dead Dad watching you sleep.
- It's that kind of attitude that makes you
such a disappointment.
I didn't hatch you from an egg
just for you to end the bloodline.
Find yourself a lady, son.
Start using your magic again.
There's nothing women respect more than a magician.
- Dad!
- [Regimand] Before I was confined to this living hell,
there wasn't a night I went without a woman's touch.
- Well that's nice, Dad.
- And now, look at me! Oh!
Two-thirds of the man I once was,
having lost an entire dimension.
When I opted to be immortalized in oil and canvas,
I thought I was cementing my legacy.
And now I pray for death!
(door closes)
(phone ringing)
- How about going on a date?
- Excuse me?
Yes, absolutely, please.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not with me, with someone else.
- (laughs) And I was joking.
Yeah, I find you fucking repulsive. (chuckles)
- Outstanding!
Well, dating is a really great way to meet new people
and to get a fresh perspective on your new community.
Have you had much dating experience?
- Yeah, sure.
Back home, I used to slay,
uh, giants, I was a giantslayer.
You slay a giant, women just throw themselves at you,
often from a catapult or a trebuchet.
(Kylie laughs)
- What is romance even like, where you're from?
Is there much dating within the wizard community?
- Well, um, dating other wizards is tough
because once two wizards hook up, it's for life.
As in, it's the end of your life, you die.
Once those wiz lips make contact, you kind of
boil away into this frothy, gelatinous sex ball.
It's gross.
Like beautiful,
but like, super gross.
I have never known such bliss.
But, um, other, other creatures in the realm?
Totally fair game.
Um. (chuckles)
Once I was engaged to this elven chick.
(ethereal harp music)
My beloved, Lady Caroliniana,
would you make me the happiest wizard
from the Astral Sea to the Woodland Row?
- Oh, Jack.
You offer me this ring.
Well, of course, I'll take it,
and in place of your girlfriend,
I would become your wife!
(scary instrumental music)
(background noise drowns out other sounds)
A wife more powerful than the lightning!
More treacherous than the ocean blue!
And you, you will love me and despair.
(footsteps)
- (chuckles) So that didn't work out.
Eventually, I did marry, but um...
(horse neighing)
I think it's time to move on.
- Attaboy.
As they say, once you fall off the horse,
you just need to get right back on again.
So let's get you back in the saddle.
Uh, and who knows, we may even find you a
stable relationship,
(horses neighing)
or you could just horse around a bit.
(Jack groaning continuously)
You OK, Jack?
- Yep!
- All right, let's go, giddy up!
- I used to fuck a horse.
- What?
- Nothing! Let's go. (groans loudly)
This place is cool.
- Uh, Jack, no, it isn't.
But hey, speed dating is new for me, too.
You'll be fine, don't be nervous.
- Well, good thing I'm not nervous.
(burning)
- Uh, your forehead doesn't agree.
- What?
Oh, shit!
Um yeah, uh sorry, uh...
When I was young, my Dad put a curse on me,
so that if I lied or was nervous,
my face would kind of give it away.
- Well, if you'd just owned up
to eating all the boiled turtle,
I wouldn't have had to!
- But you ate the turtle!
- As the saying goes, "A turt in the tum,
"no harm done."
- No one's ever said that.
- Well I just said it, didn't I?
Well, well, well.
Who is this ravishing creature?
Mm-hmm.
(thumping)
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Regimand the Wise,
and Well-Hung.
- Hey, Jack.
Cool dad.
(bell ringing)
Oh, would you look at that, we're about to start.
Good luck.
- Hey, um Dad,
could you fuck off?
- Don't worry, son.
I'll just finish my drink and get out of your beard.
(splash)
Watercolor?
Watercolor!
Gross!
(painting clatters)
(bell ringing)
- Ring-a-ding-a-dingle!
Who wants a flingle? (giggles)
The name of the game is speed, guys and girls,
so let's get to it!
(forceful drum music)
(relaxing pop music)
- (chuckles) Hi.
- Hi, hi!
Hi, I'm Jack.
- I know, it's on your tag.
- Oh, well um...
Literacy is a very attractive quality in a human female.
You are Anna, just looking at the tag,
not the chest
yet.
Uh, I hope to, but we'll cross that bridge when we come
to it.
So, what do you do?
- Well, I'm studying to be an accountant.
- Oh, accountancy, that's interesting.
(burning)
And, uh, you look lovely, by the way, you look great.
(burning)
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- So, what do you do for fun?
- Fun?
Ah, fun!
I uh, well, I like to read.
(burning)
I like to watch television with my friends.
(burning)
I like to garden.
(burning)
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- So, speed dating.
What are you hoping to get out of it?
- I just, I just want to find somebody who's fun.
(burning)
- You're a pig.
- I'm actually a waterproof man.
(bell ringing)
- Wow, smooth.
- Guess I'm a bit rusty,
which is ironic, as I can't get wet.
Hey, um, I think I'm just gonna go,
but thank you very much.
This was awful. - [Kylie] Oy.
- [Kylie] I never pegged you for a quitter.
Come on, Jack, hustle.
Here, drink this.
(triumphant choir singing)
- Is it, uh, like a potion?
- No, you fucking idiot.
It's a beer.
It'll take the edge off and sort out that,
that business.
- OK.
(lively instrumental music)
- [Kylie] No, no, no, no, drink.
(crunching)
(funny electronic music)
- [Kylie] Good?
- Fucking sick.
(funny electronic music)
(gulping)
- [Kylie] Good?
(gulping)
(funny electronic music)
(burps loudly)
(sniffs)
(burps)
- Hi there.
- Hello.
(roar then bird chirping)
- Oh.
I knew it!
You are a wizard.
- Guilty as charged.
- That is so weird, there's another magic guy here.
- Wait, what, really?
- Yeah.
- A more rousing tale,
I was snoozing as I was wont to do in my sarcophagus.
I was rather a lazy bones in those days.
Lo and behold, the lid is lifted and who should it be,
but Brendan Fraser.
He was researching his role for the upcoming movie
at the time, Monkeybone,
the Hollywood sensation.
Then we, together, came to the conclusion
that we should bury all the slaves alive.
- [Waiter] You guys asked for drinks?
- You dare interrupt Lord Mummy?
Stare into my amulet!
(Waiter screams)
(gong)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- As I was saying, monkey bones.
Basically, they're delicious with anything.
I have a bone salad, personally,
you toast the bones lightly under a grill,
and then arrange them smoothly on cos lettuce
with a drizzle of mayonnaise on top of that.
- Mummy mia, right?
(laughs)
(laughs nervously)
- And maybe some anchovies
if that's your pleasure.
I personally don't appreciate the salt.
- Anyway, tell me, what was it like
growing up in the wizard realm?
- Pretty normal.
Uh, Dad frothed himself into a sex ball,
hatched me from an egg.
Now he's dead and lives in a painting.
Oh there he is.
- You look about as desperate as I am. (chuckles)
- Yeah, boring, don't care.
Impress me, magic man.
Show me a trick.
- Ah well, uh, the thing about my magic
is that I don't do any.
- Excuse me?
- I'm under a self-imposed abstinence.
- You're abstinent?
- Magically, yes.
Sexually, I'm open for business.
- And how is business?
- It is miserable.
(bell ringing)
- Yeah, good call.
- A quick date is a good date!
So long as he isn't quick where it counts, hey ladies?
Talk about come. (chuckles)
(funny electronic music)
- Then and they all died,
and that's why I've never been employed.
(heartfelt acoustic guitar music)
Hey, do you want to see some magic?
- I heard you don't do that anymore.
- Shh, shh, don't tell Jack.
(laughs)
- OK.
- OK!
I noticed that your glass, it is very empty.
Would you like it to be very full?
- Yes.
- OK!
(gurgling)
- Oh!
What? (gurgling)
(exclaims in disgust)
- Yeah?
- Gross. (laughs)
That's gross!
- I find things gross. (gurgling)
Um, hey, grab that water, throw it at me.
(splash)
- [Mummy] Who dares (mumbles) Lord Mummy?
- OK, I have one more trick.
Hello! Bonjour!
- Yes, sir?
- [Regimand] Bonsoir.
- This lady would like a,
this lady would like a...
- Oh, this lady would like a pint, thanks.
- Oh, one pint for the lovely lady, bartender,
two pints, um, deux pints.
I'm speaking in French.
- Yeah, sure, no worries.
- Au revoir!
(giggles)
- You know, I never expected to meet
anybody interesting here,
and I've been pleasantly mistaken.
- Oh, me too, you know?
This is actually fun.
Um but, just anything you want,
anywhere you wanna go, we can do it.
Magic!
Gods, I've missed it.
- Anywhere?
- Literally anywhere.
- OK, don't laugh.
- I won't.
- Promise?
- Cross my hearts.
- OK, when I was a kid,
I really wanted to be an astronaut.
- I don't know what that is.
- (laughs) I wanted to be the first white woman
to walk on the moon.
- Moon?
Moon, it's child's play.
We can go to the moon right now.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You wanna, you wanna go with me?
- No way!
Yes!
Let's do it!
- OK, bang, zoom.
(peaceful instrumental music)
Straight to the moon!
(peaceful instrumental music)
(crumbling)
(shatters)
Shit.
Oh hey, it's the guy and his dog from...
(sighs)
- Two deux pints.
Where's your friend?
- Oh she just popped out for a bit.
(burning)
(funny electronic music)
(mystical music)
- Excuse me, Deciding Hat.
- Hat of Deciding, actually.
- Cool. So, you're a sort of hat who decides things.
How's it going?
- Better than this wine.
It's a terrible vintage.
And I don't know why I had them heat it up for me.
It's piping hot.
What is this serving glass?
A goblet of fire.
(laughs)
- Cool.
So, I'm here today to kind of talk
about a few complaints, I guess,
from the student body.
They're a little worried that their entire futures
hinge on the whims of a hat.
No disrespect.
- Who would they prefer decide their fate?
A Christmas stocking?
- No, because that's dumb.
- Make is quick, boy.
I'm beginning to decide that I'm bored.
And this hot wine isn't helping at all.
- I just feel as though we're maybe
fostering a lack of diversity amongst the school houses.
Possibly based on a personal prejudice.
- Prejudice?
I'm not prejudice.
I'm a hat of deciding, no less.
And I've decided that I've had quite enough
of your nonsense, boy.
Now run along and heat me up
some more of this terrible wine.
- No, we are far from done.
Okay. You see, all the kids with heroic qualities
you've put them all into Hero House,
which is great for them.
No complaints from Hero House.
You're kind of screwing over everyone else, right?
I mean, you take all the nerds put them into Nerdling House.
You pull all the morons into Dumb Dumb House,
which helps nobody.
You take all the ugly kids,
put them into Ooglo Booglo House.
And don't think I haven't noticed you put all the
big chested girls into Fun Bag Tittie House.
- What can I say?
The hat wants what the hat wants.
- And that's not even getting started on Evil House.
- Well, you don't want all the bad apples
poisoning the rest of the barrel, do you?
- No, I agree.
But you don't want them scheming off together
in a little dungeon.
Perhaps, if you took the bad kids,
put them with the good kids,
then some of those good qualities
would trickle over on the bad kids.
I mean, to that point, why do we even have a house
commemorating who is essentially our Hitler.
Maybe, just maybe, if we took those kids
and didn't tell them,
"Hey, day one, you're in Hitler House.
"Good luck, Matey Potatey,"
we'd have a few less dark wizards on our hands.
- I'll be cockhead (inaudible).
- It's a self fulfilling prophecy.
- Have at thee!
Oh, look. I'm about to decide where you should go.
Hm, interesting. I've decided that you're a big gay.
So, it's off to Poofter House with you.
It's been decided.
Poofter House for the bloody poofter.
- Hey, not cool you fucking homophobe.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you defending minorities
over all of these gay thoughts of yours.
How gay.
- (laughs) Gay.
(screams)
(bottle clanking)
- Good day, mate. What do you know.
♪ Senator Geoff Quinn, you're as income as they come ♪
- Oh, yeah.
# Like bringing home the ashes
♪ and push tuckering your time ♪
- See that?
Heart on my sleeve.
♪ You're gonna win, Geoff Quinn ♪
- I'm Senator Geoff Quinn.
Are you like me?
Are you fed up with feeling scared, fearful,
in your own home?
I don't want to be scared in my home anymore.
- Good on you.
- We are being influxed and used,
fluttered with a mass immigration
of people who come from a deeply inappropriate culture.
Like the wizards sitting around their bums
changing the very fabric of the universe on a whim.
And they don't say anything, these polly waffle bastards.
They're not prepared to speak the truth.
That's my problem. If anything I'm too open,
I'm too direct, I'm too honest.
Kangaroo. Wallaby.
We feel the same thing, don't we?
Bilby.
Of course we do.
Beaconsfield miners.
Now, look, I'm not saying that all wizards are terrorists,
but every terrorist seems to be a wizard,
isn't that the case? Crikey!
# We'll make those mongrels flee,
♪ like we did at Gallipoli ♪
♪ You're gonna win, Geoff Quinn ♪
- I'm a parrot.
I love my kids,
and I'm looking forward to having grand kids,
but I tell you what,
I do not want to have a baby bones.
Get rid of that.
It's disgusting.
Crikey!
I'm a fish and chips shop owner
and thank you for your patronage.
I still have nightmares of that.
Fishy Thursday.
Bloody Gandalf the Grey,
why not Gandalf the Green and Gold,
you terrorist mong.
Uluru!
♪ It's a bloody beauty ♪
- We're gonna do the right thing
by our people at the ballot box.
♪ Who dares wins ♪
- Come on, let's do it!
We can work together.
We can stop the cloaks.
♪ You're gonna win, Geoff Quinn ♪
- You're a bloody bones of bloke, the tripe B.
- Love your work, mate.
- You're bloody welcome.
- Great song, mate.
- It's disgusting.
I can't believe he's getting so much traction.
- Worse that he's right.
It's a great song.
This day couldn't get worse.
First dad goes missing and now this.
He's right about us as well.
A couple of dark wizards really take advantage of the chaos,
and they fuck it up for the rest of us.
I'm not going home, I can't.
- The stories about wizards fitting in
just fine don't sell newspapers, Jack.
But you do have options.
Have you thought about starting a petition,
or you can canvas your local area.
- I'll never have the reach that he has.
He's already got the public in his pocket.
- Well, maybe it isn't the public you should be talking to.
(knocks)
- Hello sir, madam, Greek Grell, or other,
my name is Jack.
I am from the wizard realm, just like you,
but much prefer living here in Melbourne.
To better integrate into Australian society,
maybe there are some ways
that we can all tone it down a bit, blend in better.
Do you think there's anything you could do
to be making yourself a little less conspicuous?
- You know, I've never really thought about it.
I guess I could stop wearing this leather jacket.
It is a little threatening.
- Yeah, or, you know, you do live next to a petrol refinery.
(sirens wail)
Don't you think your neighbors might be a little anxious
living next door to somebody who,
you know?
- Frequently barbeques?
- Maybe.
- Because I'm not gonna stop barbequing.
I'll have you know my neighbors love my lamb cutlets.
- Your skull is on fire!
It's the peak of summer.
It is an arid farm land,
and you're a fucking ghost rider.
- Ghost writer, actually.
- What?
- I earn my bread writing biographies
for the rich and famous.
Why, I've just finished a memoir for
a very influential local chef, Curtis Stone.
Mayhap you've heard of him.
Here I'll sign you a copy.
- Give me Harry Potters, give me Harold Holt.
Give me Harold Holt back.
He'd be 98 now.
(knocks)
- Hello sir, madam, or other,
I am Jack.
- No.
- Oh, I haven't said anything yet.
- Bron know this land doesn't deal with spellcasters.
- Well, good thing I'm not here to play cards
because deal, poker.
Poker? Hardly knew her.
- You have the bearing of a man
with so much fire without flint or tinder.
- Well, that's a cool way to put it.
Yes, I am slash was,
but technically still am a wizard, nonpracticing.
- You take a long time to say nothing, Jack Stormcrow.
A barbarian does not take kindly to a man
who must cheat the elements for valor.
A true measure of a man is in the amount
of lives you can take before his is taken from him.
I'm yet to meet the man, woman, or beast
worthy of sending me to the sleep eternal.
My body provided feast for crow and worm.
- Isn't that a little bleak?
- That is the way of things.
- Okay, well, in Melbourne
we have these things called laws.
- Bronlo abides only by the code.
Hard laws of steel and conquest.
- And what do those laws allow?
- Rape, pillage, murder.
- Well, all three of those are terrible,
and the opposite of laws.
What is against the laws of barbarians?
(yells)
- Okay, well. If that was a gift, thank you.
If it was not, ow.
- I grow weary of your blathering talk.
By the iron of Crom!
- [Dying Person] Help me.
- I don't think this was his house.
- [Dying Person] Help.
- Ernie bloody dingo.
(knocks)
- Good day, mate.
- I spy with my giant eye.
- Cool.
- Holland Hanson.
Hanson.
Handsome.
She's a handsome woman.
- So, maybe stop turning art critics into stone
and selling them as sculptures.
- [Medusa] You just don't understand my work.
- Would you like to sample some champagne, sir?
- [Jack's Dad] What beautiful flesh tones.
- Oh, no thanks. I only drink bugs?
- That's cool.
- And if you just turn your attention away
from this lovely lady,
you'll see another fine piece of work.
This is a piece I call,
"Disappointment of a Son."
- Hey, dad, you could've told me
that this is where you wandered off to.
Trying to lay low, so, maybe just go home.
Stop pretending like you know about art.
- I am art.
Fine art, if I do say so myself.
And I do.
I'm even in a gallery.
- Okay. Well, at least get away from the nakedness.
It's embarrassing me in front of Medusa, man.
And she's cool.
- Where do you want me to stand.
Next to that giant bowl of fruit?
Or the surrealist section?
I don't like that.
It's weird.
The staircase is confusing.
The clocks are all slippery,
and the women's face is all in the wrong spot.
I shant be returning.
It's gross.
- I'll get the turps, dad.
Don't think that I won't.
- You'll never catch me.
I'll hide in the Where's Wally.
- Where's Wally already has a wizard, and he's the worst.
- Excuse me, sir, but there's no longer any need
to yell at the art.
- What did I just say?
- [Medusa] Facist.
- Mel Gibson.
I didn't like his early stuff, but I like his opinions.