Nice of you to join us!
Uh, wait what?
You know we were doing just fine without you.
Okay, I'll just-I'll just leave then, should I?
You don't want magic?
Fuck you, you don't want magic!
It’s a fucking crazy battle! What are you doing?
Focus!
Don't sass!
Now, what sort of of a way is that to talk to a lady?
And that, is why you don't sass!
Come on!
"Hey Jack, you want to flirt?" Okey-dokey, where shall we do it?
"How about on a dangerous battlefield?" Gee, that sounds like fun!
I hope you don't end up with Axe-Face!
Gghhrrrr!
Mggrhhhhhr, Goblin...
That's a fucking bummer!
Hey, guys! Don’t go near the dragon.
I know it's for the king...
Knights: FOR THE KING!!
I picked a helluva day to stop drinking!
The fuck is wrong with these people?
Okay, cool! Ah, you guys got this, right? Sweetie sweetie peteetie.
Well, I’m going to see myself out. Ah, don’t get up!
I see you’ve got your hands full of fire. You fucking idiots.
Fuck this place.
So, ah...
that was my last day.
I figured I was done with that place, and I just needed to find somewhere rational to live.
Here!
And so that's why you migrated to Melbourne, is it?
Uh, in a nutshell... yeah?
Footscray has cheap rent, but anywhere in the human realm would've been... ah... fine.
Mmmmmmm.
Mmmmm?
W-w-what do you mean, 'Mmmm'?
Morgan, if that stuff happened here
It would be the most significant day in your history.
For me, that was...
Tuesday.
Listen, Jack
If that is in face your real name
I can’t honestly say that I know what it’s like to grow up in an arcane vortex of ancient eldritch energy.
Wizard realm, is fine.
Whatevs.
What I can say, however, is if I was to move to the Wizard Realm myself
Which clearly, I'm never gonna do-
Good, don't.
- and I destroyed a national monument, I would hardly be welcomed by
an adoring public, would I?
Honestly Morgan, you might be crowned king.
Not even joking - that's how we crowned our last king!
People back home are fucking psychos man-
Whoa, Jack, Jack, Jack Jack! That's not the sort of language we accept here
here on 'The Wright Perspective',
Sorry. Um, sorry! Swearing isn't really a thing for me, It's kind of a new custom.
Nobody back home worries about it because there's way more dangerous words to say.
Like, for example, if you say 'Fjormangander'-
Then that happens - I'm so sorry, Morgan.
Swearing's one thing, Jack, but you're going to have to learn to hold your heathen tongue.
We speak Australian in this country, not Abra-ca-ding-dong.
Best you remember that!
Everybody alright?
Nobody's hurt?
He didn't turn anyone into a Baby Bones, did he?
Cameraman: Umm... No, uh...
but Susan's a goose now...
Honk!!
Jack, I'm sick of you beating around the bush. Let's cut to the chase and get down to brass tacks.
Wh-what?
I want to see you try and smooth over this prickly business from last week.
Oh, no we don't need to-
Roll the clip!
Reporter: I stand just metres away
from where mere hours ago, the iconic Flinders' Street Station proudly stood.
Now, as Australian's we're used to killer fish, but we're not talking about a Great White.
We're talking about the aquatic atrosity that left citizens with nothing to do - but flounder.
As this amateur footage shows: These teenagers, innocently testing the smell of spray paint
had no idea what was about to unfold when this man let out a sneeze so powerful...
It transformed this historic train station, into a giant, fishy mess.
Good question; No, I have not seen anything quite like this before.
It's a disgrace.
As a vegetarian; I'm offended.
As a pescatarian; I'm not offended enough.
This is a disgrace!
Typical metro - it's been three hours and still the trains haven't turned up.
It's a disgrace.
I tell you, Jack, that there footage, it boils my blood, it chills me to the bone.
And overall generally I’m lukewarm, I’m room temp.
The camera doesn't lie, Jack. You can’t deny that’s not you,
anymore than you can deny that I’m this handsome.
You’ve been caught with your hands in the Tim Tam jar, you might say.
Bang to Wrights!
You, my friend are up shhhh...
sugar creek.
Without so much as a paddle pop.
Or even a Golden Gaytime - remember those folks?
'Fishy Thursday', if that's what we're calling it...
it was a complete accident, and I'm sorry!
I want everybody to know that I'm now living completely magic free.
Not a spell, not a curse, not a hex - not a nothin'!
And I’m sorry, but I don't think that it’s fair that I’ve been lumped in with other people of my community,
who don’t respect the laws, who don’t respect the people, who don’t the culture.
They're criminals, and we're not all like that.
I’m, I’m, I’m not like that.
G'day, Matey Potatey!
Oh, I’ll come to you. You just - One sec!
Oh, sorry, mate. She just really got away from me.
Oh no, don’t stress, mate. All good.
She’s a big girl, hey? Ha!
Needs plenty of SPACE!
I just threw them into space!
What are you doing here? Why can’t you just leave me alone?
Oh well, I heard you’d moved to the human realm and I thought, PFFFT sounds like a bit of fun!
Skulldrich, this is a peaceful place. I don’t need you here to fuck this up!
It’s boring back home without you, Jack! We had a good thing going, you and me.
I’d set a fire, you’d put it out.
You’d save a princess, I’d set her on fire!
Full circle! I mean, I miss that, don’t you?
No, I don’t. Now, go get! This is a normal place for normal people. I just want to be normal!
The last thing I need in my head is another fucking Baby Bones.
Look, I’m all about integration, alright? It’ll, it’ll be like I’m not even here.
I WILL EAT YOUR BONES AND SHIT YOUR BLOOD
He’s ah, he’s joking, sweetheart!
Oh, no, no, I’m gonna eat that kid!
Skulldrich, haven’t you done enough? Can you please just go home?
As you wish!
Oh yeah, we're neighbours now!
You really are a...
a big fuck.
A big fuck of a man, you know that?
Oh, by the way I really hope you like snakes, cause all your water?
Well, I transformed it into snakes!
See ya!
SENATOR QUINN: I have put up with this sort of situation, as we all have, for a very long time.
I feel revulsion. These dirty, stinking Wizzos, who needs them?
They’ve caused us no end of problems and it has to stop here.
I don’t care where they came from. They can go back there.
We can do it together. We can make these pointy-hatted long fiddlers rack off!
MORGAN WRIGHT: Well Jack, tonight we’ve really put you through your paces.
But I never pull any punches when push comes to shove. And I think you’ll agree that the chips are down and the gig is up!
It’s time for you to put your money where your mouth is.
Well, technically I have nine mouths, so...
Well it's... time to put them to good use.
In the spirit of fairness Jack, I'm going to give you the last word.
Your last Wrights!
You have ten seconds.
Ok, well um-
Ten...
I know that Wizard-kind have made a really bad impression.
-Nine...
I know I’ve made a really bad impression. And I’m sorry-
Eight...
but the reason I agreed to do this interview is that I know that this can work!
Yes, we seem scary - and yes there are a few bad apples
-like really bad, murdery apples...
But most of us aren't like that! Most of us are good, salt of the earth, pointy hatted folk.
And I know, in all three of my hearts, that we can make this work!
Because at the end of the day, you and me?
We're really not so different.
Jack!
Oh, uh sorry, um...
Sometimes when I'm nervous, I can...
I can cause gravity to, kind of... break?
MORGAN: Susan?
Make sure you put Jack on the list of guests never to return to the show.
HONK!!!
(loud explosion and screaming)
- The prisoners are escaping!
- Close the east gate!
(horn blowing)
- Go, go, go, go, come on, come on!
(gate creaking)
- What happened there?
I said close the east gate.
- What, he blew an F# on the horn,
that's the note for the west gate, which we shut,
quite well if I do say so myself.
- Wait, wait, what's happening?
- No, I didn't blow an F#, I blew a G,
thank you very much.
- Well, why'd you blow a G?
The east gate's A flat.
- It's A what?
- Guys, hold your horses.
- Killin' it.
- Does our main system of communication rely on everybody
having perfect pitch?
Is that a thing?
- Ooh, maybe I did blow an F#.
- I'll blow you in a minute.
- Not a threat you want to follow up on.
- Hang on, no, this is the one for the east gate.
(blows horn)
(muffled yelling)
- Did you just tell the trebuchet men to fire?
- You need to know this.
The entire mixolydian mode has been reserved
for siege weaponry.
I vote we remove Horatio from horn blowing duty.
- [Horatio] Oh shit, maybe I did blow an F#,
sorry, here, here's the one.
(horn blowing)
(jazzy saxophone music)
- [Kylie] Men, all they think about is sex.
- I'm sorry, what?
- That was a joke.
Yeah, but seriously, Jack, I need you to focus.
Whether you like it or not, you've become like the
figurehead for wizard immigration.
And while I'm really excited to be helping you,
I can't help you unless you pay attention.
- I'm sorry, I'm all ears.
And a body too.
Uh, there are guys back home who are literally,
just all ears.
They are gross.
- Moving on, you have been here four weeks,
have your visa papers come through?
- Yeah, yeah, um, oh, no.
One second.
- Okay, what's with the beans?
- Uh, well, without magic I don't really know how to cook.
- Yeah, but why not just throw the cans away?
- Well, without magic I didn't really know
where to put them.
No.
Oh, that's, uh, Bony Tony, he's my yoga instructor.
- Why don't you just recycle the cans?
- A recycle?
- Yeah, yeah, recycling, it's when you take something
that you've used and instead of throwing it away,
you turn it into something new.
- Now, who's using magic, you salty dog (chuckles).
- Look, how 'bout I give you an application form for
a recycling bin.
Sound good?
- Uh, to all my ears, yes.
Just two ears, just the two.
- So, well, how many cans are in that bag, anyway?
- Oh, um, let's see.
(cans clanging on the floor)
- Lotus.
- Shh!
- Oh, what you got there, champ?
- Not that it's any of your business,
but it's an application form.
- Oh, yeah, what for?
- Not that it's any of your concern,
but it's for a recycling bin. - [Sceldrick] Oh, what do you
need a recycling bin for?
- Not that it's, fuck, Skulldrick, just fuck off.
- You know you're magic, right?
Just conjure one.
I mean, heck, I'll do it for ya.
Here's your bin.
- No, but that doesn't count.
You don't have to do everything with magic.
- No, but it is more fun.
A bing, bang, bog,
head of a dog.
- Stop it! No more dog heads!
- Ah, aye, aye, Captain Jack.
A fling, flang, flat,
legs of a cat.
Remember Jack, you have to use magic again.
You're the only one that can stop me.
Hocus pocus, dipple docus.
(loud explosion)
- [Bony Tony] Lotus.
- Not now, Tony.
(grunting)
(growling)
- Hey, Jack o'lantern, looks like
you got a lot of bins.
- Yes, this is rather a lot of bins.
This is an awful lot of bins.
- Yup.
- I'm not gonna let you win.
- Oh, well, I'm not gonna let you bin.
- Stop saying bin.
- Bin. - [Jack] Bin.
- Bin. - [Jack] Bin!
- Bin, bin, bin, bin, bin.
- [Jack] Bin! - Bin
- [Jack] Bin! - Oh, binny, binny,
bin, bin, bin.
Binna, binna, binna, bin, bin, bin.
- Bin!
Bin.
- Excuse me, mate?
- I would like a recycling bin, please.
As you can see, the forms are as filled out
as a busty beauty's bra.
- Yeah, nice one, mate, unfortunately,
this is Planning, you need Sanitation.
Off you trot.
- [Jack] Bin please!
- No, this is Sanitation.
You need Sustainability.
(Jack growling)
- Have you tried Planning?
- Oh, g'day there, matey-pataty,
what are you doing there?
G'day, Cath.
Um, Cath, that's mine.
Bloody, Cath.
- [Terry] Jack?
- Terry?
Oh, my God, I didn't know you crossed realms.
- Well, the wife and I heard about what you did
and we thought, well, we'll give it a crack.
- Wow, and you have a job, congratulations.
- Oh, it's nothing special but I got a school
to put through school.
It's better than nothing.
What brings you here, Jack?
- Oh, I'm just trying to apply for a recycling bin
but this place has proven to be a bit
of a labyrinth.
And I say that as someone who used to live in a labyrinth.
- Yeah, I know, you're old flat mate told me.
- Jared, that bloody nunce.
- Look, I would love to help, mate,
but it's really not my department, sorry.
- It's okay, it's fine.
But thanks.
It's good to see you.
- G'day, Terry, bloody Terry-fying, eh?
(laughing)
- Nice shark in the dark.
- Bloody, fishy fuck.
- Has a wife, mate.
He's just a bit of a hammerhead,
'cause you hammer her and she gives you head, mate.
Oh. (Terry mock laughing)
- Hey, mate, when she's on the rag
do you bloody just go into a feeding frenzy, mate?
Ah, just joshin' with you, mate,
just playing around, just playing around.
- G'day Jaws, how's your jaw?
You're a shark, we're boys.
- Mate, we grew here.
You flew here, except you swam,
'cause you're a bloody fish.
(laughing)
- All right, guys, you've had your fun.
- Just having a laugh, mate, just having a laugh.
- Bloody blood out your gills, Terry, eh?
Been growing around the gills?
Adam, bloody, Gilchrist.
- Ricky, bloody, Ponting.
- Yeah, Ricky Ponting, um--
- [Man in pink shirt] Cricket.
- Come on, boys, let's leave bloody Megaladon Brad Miller,
leave him to do some work.
- Yeah, mate, just joshin' around, just playing, mate.
- See you later, chum.
- What did you just say?
- Chum.
- What do you mean, chum?
- Chum, fisherman use chum to attract sharks.
- I didn't know that, that's really interesting.
- Good fact, good fact.
- Thanks.
- See you tonight, mate.
Don't bloody flake on us.
- Yeah, minimum chips, mate,
don't you bloody forget.
- You piece of shit!
- (sighs)
Back at the bureaucrats,
I'm gonna help you get your bin.
But first, just tell me one thing,
why are you doing this?
I mean, look at me,
I'm employed, I have a job,
I have as much right to be here as any of these other guys,
but do you think I'm gonna be treated the same?
No.
Will I get any respect?
No.
Will the harassment ever end?
No.
(sighs)
They're never gonna look past what I am, Jack.
And the same goes for you.
Remember that.
- Well, I hope you're wrong, Terry,
for both our sakes.
But thanks anyway, man.
You're one of the good ones.
- Mate, you like that, mate?
Does it remind you of home, mate?
Mate? Matey-pataty?
Bloody potato chips, bloody fish and chips, mate?
Mate? - [Terry] I know it's polite
but I really appreciate the moisture.
- Mate, mate, mate!
(whimsical music)
- [Kylie] Knock, knock.
- Hey, Kylie, what are you doing here?
- Terry told me about the day that you had.
Congratulations, she's a beauty.
- So are you.
- What?
- Nothing, I...
- Moving on, I have brought you a little gift.
- Oh, um, thanks.
Oh, it's um, it's garbage, what a treat.
- Yeah, well, I thought we could Christen your
new bin together.
- Okie-dokes.
Hey!
Yea. - [Kylie] Yea.
- Uh, look, can I get you something?
I just learned how to use a kettle, so I could offer you
some hot water, but by hot water I mean hot snakes.
- Tea would be nice.
- Uh, wasn't an option, but, okay tea!
Tea, tea, tea. - [Kylie] Tea.
- [Jack] Snakes is spelled with an "S," though.
(screaming)
- Lotus.
(gentle music)