Ripped By mstoll
Oh, what are you working on?
Oh, I'm writing a play for my history class.
It's about the final days of Richard Nixon's presidency.
Oh, a comedy.
Well, it's got a little bit of everything, Mom.
You'll laugh, you'll cry.
I call it "Ain't Misbehavin'... All Right, Maybe I Am."
- Oh. - Wait, listen to this.
From the discussions I have had
with congressional and other leaders,
I have concluded that because of the Watergate matter...
Dick!
Dick, you've finally come for me!
Dick?
Alex, pull yourself together. It's just a tape.
I'm writing a play of... of the day Nixon resigned.
Hey, Jen, that is great.
That is great.
Do you realize that you are writing a play
about the greatest president this country has ever known?
Wait a minute, Alex.
You've always said that Ronald Reagan
was the greatest president.
I heard you say that, too, Alex.
Which is it, Nixon or Reagan?
Ooh, boy. Whew.
Well, Nixon...
has a better body.
Why isn't Mallory home yet?
Ah, who cares? More oxygen for us.
I don't know. She's probably still out with Nick.
She knows I need the car by 4:00.
You'd think between the two of them, they could tell time.
Yeah, well, maybe if Nick takes the big hand
and Mallory takes the little hand...
Nah.
- Hi. - Hey...
Hey.
Young lady, do you have any idea what time it is?
Well, no. Nick, do you?
Um...
Just glad Darwin isn't alive to see this.
Didn't I tell you to get the car back by 4:00?
I've got something very important to do today.
Oh, sorry, Dad. We tried,
but the Artists' Alliance for Peace meeting
ran a little late.
Hey, I want peace as much as the next guy,
but I've got to get a new pair of galoshes.
Dad, this is ridiculous.
There are too many drivers in the house and not enough cars.
It's true, Dad. In a few months, I'm going to be driving,
and I'm going to need a car, too.
Yeah, and on Wednesday, August 11, 2003,
I'm gonna need the car to take Marion Davis to the movies.
She said she'd consider going out with me
sometime next century.
Dad, you know, I've been saving up,
and I think I have enough for a really fun car.
Oh, oh, and you may remember my dad runs the biggest
and most often sued used car lot in the Midwest.
Well, I think it's a good idea.
- We could definitely use another car. - Definitely.
Great. Then Nick and I will go down to the showroom
- and pick something out. - Now, wait.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I better go with you.
It's very easy to get swindled in one of those places.
Dad, it's Nick's dad.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. All the more reason.
Uh, Bill will take care of you.
Congratulations on your vehicle.
Hey...
Hey!
- Hey. - Hi.
Ho.
Um, Joe, do you remember my dad, Steven Keaton?
Oh, yes, yes.
Very nice to resume our relationship.
Always a pleasure.
Hey, um, Dad, Mal's here to buy a car.
Ooh, la la.
Well, you came to the right place.
Ooh, I like that one.
No, no, honey.
The only thing that works in that
is the glove compartment.
Well, uh, hey, we don't want to waste your time too much.
We'll, uh, get down to business.
Well, well, well, well, what business?
Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Come on, let's schmooze a little bit.
You're family.
Well, inasmuch as we're both in the family of man.
Steven, what I am trying to tell you
is that you can never waste my time.
Now, come on, sit down.
What's been going on in your life?
- Well, uh, I'm still... - I got just the car for you.
Oh, this is, uh... yeah, I like this.
This looks like a very sturdy vehicle.
Dad, it looks like something that broke off a glacier.
Honey, I think this looks nice.
Oh, I like that one.
That cute little Karmann Ghia.
Oh, Mal, Mal, come on, I don't know about that.
Are you sure this care is safe?
Safe? I can assure you that it's safe.
I personally use it
to drive back and forth to the small claims court.
Which is a lot of round trips.
Oh, I'm crazy about it.
How much is it?
Mal, Mal, God...
You got to play these things cool.
She's crazy about it.
How much is it?
For you?
$3,500.
Isn't that a little high?
Okay, all right.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you this beauty
for $3,000 even.
I've never done this before.
I'm doing this only because I love you.
I love you, too.
$2,500.
I love you slightly less.
A deal.
Oh, honey, it's yours for $2,500.
Dad, that's way out of my range.
No problem, Mallory.
Go to a bank and partake of a loan.
No, I would never qualify.
No, we just better look for something else.
Well, how it would make you feel
if I were to cosign for the loan?
Really?
You are the best daddy in the whole wide world.
Oh, great!
You are the best daddy in the whole wide world.
I'm not cosigning nothing for you.
Boo.
Alex, I don't want your help.
Come on.
Jen, I just... I just came by to see
if you needed any more source material.
No, thank you, Alex.
I have The Final Days
by Woodward and Bernstein, I have manuscripts
of the Watergate hearings,
and I have several back copies of the Washington Post.
Well, that's, uh...
That's great, Jen.
But I have a much more reliable publication.
Nixie.
The official magazine of the Richard Nixon Fan Club,
of which I have been a charter member since 1967.
You've been the only member since 1967.
Oh, God, who would want to see him in a swimsuit?
With the nose clips.
Hey, Jen?
Turn the page.
Come on, he looks great on the bearskin rug.
Hey, hey.
- Hey. Hey. Where have you guys been? - MALLORY: Hi.
At the mall.
Yeah, went to the auto accessories store.
You should see all the great stuff I got.
Look. "Shopaholic on board."
And...
for our driving comfort, sheepskin seat covers.
And matching pants.
And, for complete cosmetic care on the road,
a visor mirror that just happens to be...
full length.
That's great, Mal.
You look in that while you're driving,
you'll be the prettiest girl at the three-car pile-up.
Dad, I so appreciate you doing this for me.
- I love you. - Aw...
Mal, these are the kinds of moments a father lives for.
Dad, I love you, too.
The moment is over, Nick.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Ho. - Huh?
Good news, everybody.
Everything has been approved for your car loan.
- Here are the pertinent documents. - Oh, great.
Oh, perhaps we should look these over, honey?
Yeah, you're right.
You better look them over.
As a matter of fact, I better look them over here.
Oh, no, what was I thinking here?
I can't do this to somebody I know.
I can't do this to somebody I don't know.
See this?
- I can go to jail for this. - Oh.
I know. I've gone to jail for this.
This is a travesty.
Very difficult.
Here we go.
A pure document.
All that is required is your signatures,
and the vehicle will be yours.
Mallory?
Steven, your plume.
Thank you.
Nick, this is so exciting.
We'll finally get to take that trip
we've been dreaming about.
That's right. Enjoy yourselves.
What-what trip?
Oh, Dad, I've got this all planned out.
This spring break, Nick and I
are going to drive around the country.
We are going to see the U.S. Of A.
And after that, we're going to head
south of the border, straight into Rhode Island.
Well, I'm not so sure I'm happy with this idea.
Eh, why don't we just sign the papers,
and we'll chat about travel plans later?
Mal... Mallory, I don't want you
gallivanting all over the country.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
We are not gonna gallivant.
- We're gonna drive. - Yeah.
Hey, Stevie boy, I hear you've got
one humdinger of a signature.
How about a demonstration of same?
No.
Dad, what's the problem?
Sign the paper.
- I don't want to. - Why not?
I don't want you to go on this trip.
What are you talking about?
I can do whatever I want. I'm 20 years old!
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm 40 years old!
Mrs. Keaton, you must be familiar
with your husband's signature.
"And so, on his last day in office,
"Nixon stood and addressed the White House staff.
"And so, friends, we leave with high hopes,
"with deep humility and eight settings
of the good White House china."
"Nixon turns to the helicopter, bumps into Gerald Ford
and says, 'Pardon me, if you know what I mean."'
Jennifer, how could you?
And with him sitting here the whole time.
Come on, Mr. President.
Go upstairs, and I'll tell you
all the bad things that Jennifer's been accused of.
And we won't pardon her.
So, uh...
Have you seen Mallory around recently?
Well, she still lives here.
I wouldn't know. She's not talking to me anymore.
Well, Steven, you disappointed her.
You said you'd cosign for the loan,
and then you changed your mind.
Oh, sure, make me the heavy.
Okay.
When we were 19, didn't we drive from Berkeley to Washington, DC
- over Christmas vacation? - That's right. We did.
And it practically drove your father insane.
I know, but wasn't it worth it?
Don't you remember what it was like out under the stars?
The two of us in that, uh...
tattered old sleeping bag.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, Elyse. Your father was right.
I take it back. I take it all back.
We were bad, bad kids.
Oh, Steven.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi.
Hey, Mrs. Keaton. Hey, Mr. Keaton.
Oh, oh, I-I forgot. Um...
Uh, Mr. Keaton, we are giving you the silent treatment.
Which means I am not at liberty to talk with you at the moment,
though, in the very near future,
I'm sure we can chat like we used to.
Uh, maybe we could discuss...
When does your silent treatment begin, Nick?
Because I'm really looking forward to it.
Oh... no, no, no. It's on right now.
Perhaps you didn't follow me.
Hush.
You're not supposed to talk.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You see, I can talk with you, Mrs. Keaton.
The point is, if I was to talk with Mr. Keaton...
...there would be no point.
Nick, honey, let's go upstairs.
We still have to plan our vacation.
Oh, hey, hey. We don't have to plan.
It's just gonna be you and me
sleeping in our bags under the stars.
You are bad, bad kids.
Mallory, you don't know what you're getting into
with this trip.
You don't know anything about cars.
It can be very dangerous, you know.
You know, if you recharge the battery the wrong way,
you can blow up the car.
- How do you know? - He's done it.
Listen, Dad,
Nick and I are gonna go down to Nick's dad's place,
and we're gonna find something that I can afford.
And we're gonna make this trip.
That's all I have to say.
Joe, Joe, I... want to talk to you.
Hey, Steven, always good to see you.
Let me get the papers, you'll sign them,
and then we'll split a bag of pork rinds.
Uh, Joe...
I didn't come to sign.
Then no pork rinds.
Joe, I need your help.
Man to man...
father to father.
Which is it, Steve?
Joe, the kids are coming down here to buy a car,
and I don't want you to sell it to them.
Uh, Steven, you don't seem to have a firm grasp
of what I do here.
Joe...
I don't think Nick and Mallory should go
on this cross-country trip.
I'm worried about the kids.
Hey, hey. I understand you.
I understand you because we're both fathers.
And in a way, that bonds me and you
even stronger than a wedding vow.
That's lovely, Joe.
A little scary.
Yeah, but lovely nonetheless.
I know, I know. I haven't done a...
a terrific job of, uh, controlling Nick
because I haven't had a chance to be with him.
Because I abandoned him.
No, but a daughter is different.
If Nick were Nicotina,
I wouldn't let him do half of the stuff that he does.
- What does he do? - I don't know.
What does he do? I never see him.
Joe, look, the kids don't have enough money
to go anyplace else.
They're coming here, so I'm asking you
not to sell them a car.
What am I supposed to tell them
when they walk into this glorious showroom
and they see all these automobiles?
Joe, I'm gonna ask you to do something
that's gonna be very hard for you to do.
I want you to lie.
Lie? Happily.
Thought you were gonna ask me to give blood or something.
Ooh...
- Hey, son. - Hey.
- Mallory. - Hi, Joe.
Um, I'm sorry the first car didn't work out,
but we'd like to look at something, um, less expensive.
You know, I-I been thinking.
I don't see what you need with a car.
All the problems and the responsibilities,
the expenses, car insurance.
A car is a big pain in the butt.
I'm talking to them.
They're young and attractive.
They can get around.
Who's gonna take you anywhere?
Dad, we got $1,500.
This is a quality establishment.
We don't have anything for $1,500.
Well, what about this car here? It says $1,300 on the sticker.
It's $1,300 a week.
Well, well, Joe, that-that just about, uh, wraps up
the research on my new documentary, um...
We Never Get to Look Out the Window.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Well, I...
You came down here to talk Joe out
of selling me a car, didn't you?
He did nothing of the kind.
All right, I did.
You're a very hard guy to get a fix on.
I understand your position now.
You have this irrational desire
to deprive me of any joy in my life.
Let's get out of here, Nick.
And then Nixon says...
Alex, stop. I don't want an alternate ending to my play.
Just give it a chance, okay?
Nixon...
steps up to the podium
and addresses the American people.
"My fellow Americans...
"I can't thank you enough for your mandate
"to make me president for life.
"But more importantly, let me broach this subject:
"Jennifer Keaton's play
"is the worst thing I have ever read.
"And let me just say this about that:
"When I think of Jennifer's play...
"...one word comes to mind.
"P.U.
"Go see anything else.
"Fiddler on the Roof,
"Hello, Dolly/
"or just stay home and watch reruns of Flubber.
"In conclusion, Jennifer,
"and let me make this perfectly clear,
"I am ashamed of you.
"And did I mention,
I hate your play."
The end.
What? What? What?
Alex, that was complete nonsense from beginning to end.
Oh, oh, well, excuse me,
Little Miss I Wrote One Play and Now I'm Shakespeare.
Alex, you know what? I'm not using yours.
There's only one copy of one Nixon play
that I am taking to school with me,
and it's upstairs on my desk right now.
Oh, I'm pooped.
I'm just gonna... I'm gonna take a little nap.
Alex, don't you dare touch my Nixon play.
Well... Elyse.
Hi.
Mallory hates me.
What's going on?
I was so upset about Mallory taking this trip with Nick
that, uh, before they went down to see Joe,
I went down there first
and tried to convince him not to sell them a car,
and Mallory found me hiding on the floor of a Camaro.
Well, o-o-obviously...
you-you meant to do the...
Steven, how could you?
How could you?
I'll be upstairs watching Nixon Masterpiece Theater.
I suppose the last thing you want to do is talk to me,
but really, I think we should.
You tried to stop me from doing something
I have every right to do.
You went back on your word, and you did it in front of Joe,
the man who will one day be my father-in-law.
If that's not bad enough,
you treated me like a teenager.
You snuck around behind my back, and you humiliated me in public.
I agree with everything you said,
except the father-in-law part.
Dad, I am an adult now.
I'm grown-up.
You really have to start respecting my judgment.
It's just, for-for 20 years,
I've had this job as your father,
to protect you,
worry about you,
and it-it's just...
it's hard to wake up one day and say,
"Well, Mallory's an adult now.
Stop worrying about her."
It's nice to know that-that you worry about me.
I mean, it's comforting.
I mean, I know, when I was a kid and I had a problem,
I would always come to you
because I thought you had all the answers.
You know, I used to love it when you'd come to me.
Particularly since Alex never did.
He was always telling me to cut my hair, get a decent job
and stop listening to that loud rock and roll music.
Dad, don't you know there's never going to be a time
when I won't come to you?
I mean, I'm always gonna want to know what you think,
and not just 'cause you're my dad,
but because I really like you.
I like you, too.
You know, I've been thinking.
As your father, I want to be supportive of you
and the decisions you make, so...
I've decided to cosign for that loan.
Thanks, Dad.
Um, I think I should get it on my own, though.
If I can't swing it, I'll just have to wait.
You're no dope, Mallory.
Runs in the family, Dad.
Ripped By mstoll
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.