Ripped By mstoll
Okay, these are all your birthday cards
- that arrived today, right? - Right.
All the aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, covered, right?
Right.
Okay, I'm gonna show you how to get through
this pile of cards in minutes.
Ready?
You take your letter opener.
You take your card,
give it a clean slit along the top like this.
Give it one of these.
Quick snap of the wrist.
No money comes out...
in the trash.
Try the next one here.
Money comes out.
Keep the money, take the card, throw it in the trash.
Either way, you don't have to read the card.
That's the beauty of it.
All right.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Looking for birthday money.
Well, that is terrible.
Now, where did you learn that?
I know, it's shocking, isn't it?
Oh, Andy, look.
Hey, now, this one's from your grandma.
Now, I bet she took a lot of special care trying
to find a card for you with a nice birthday message.
Um, here.
"Dear Andy, here's the cash. Love, Grandma."
That's the kind of love you just can't buy.
Can you believe this?
This is Andy's birthday wish list.
You know, Alex, this is reminiscent
of your seventh birthday.
You're the only second-grader I knew
who took advantage of the bridal registry.
It was a great birthday.
I got, uh, two pocket calculators
and a crystal gravy boat.
- Hi. - Hey, hi, hon.
Listen, you are about to meet
Nick's oldest friend in the world.
What, prison furlough program?
No.
His name is Scrapper, he's very old,
he's missing a few teeth,
and he used to live with Nick's mom.
That would be Nick's dad?
No, it wouldn't be.
Nick, Scrapper, come on in!
- Hey. - This guy.
This is Scrapper. Isn't he great?
He even looks like Nick.
Yeah, he does.
He's-he's got his mother's nose though.
Wow, a dog!
Hey, Scrapper, sit, sit.
Why can't you do that?
Whoa, hey, hey, how are ya?
How are you?
Please go away.
Keep it coming, Dr. Doolittle.
I'm sorry, I don't happen to relate well to quadrupeds.
Ah, come on, Alex.
I know animals.
This dog is just begging for a little love and affection.
Aren't you, little doggy?
Um, Dad, sorry.
He doesn't like to be called "little doggy."
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Sensitive.
How old is he?
Uh, well, let's see.
I had him since I was six years old.
So that would make him, uh...
Let me see.
Uh, carry the seven.
22 take away six would be, uh... would be, uh...
22 minus six.
16. He'd be 16.
Right, right. So in dog years, that would make him, uh...
Let's see. 11...
Old, Nick. He'd be old.
Yeah. He used to live with my mom, but she moved.
And they don't take pets in her new building,
so now he's mine again.
I think he likes you, Alex.
Yeah, yeah, it's-it's mutual, Mal.
I just wish someone would slip him a breath mint.
No, I think Mal's right. You know, he gave you dolly.
He doesn't give you dolly unless he likes you.
Scrapper, give Alex a kiss.
Oh, oh, great, great!
I just hope my pores weren't open.
Alex, how can you not like a doggy kiss?
What is there to like about
having your face covered in kibble residue?
Oh, hey, you want to see him do some more tricks?
Somebody to tell him to roll over.
Oh, me, me, me.
Roll over, Scrapper, roll ov...
Okay, here's Pin the Tail on the Donkey and Bingo.
What else do you think would be fun for Andy's birthday party?
I don't know, but ask your dad.
He's in charge of the entertainment.
- What does he have planned? - Oh, don't ask.
He's gone completely overboard.
I'm sorry, it just won't do.
Because I've seen it all before:
The confetti-in-the-bucket shtick,
the, uh, sweeping up the spotlight.
I want something special for my boy's birthday.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Maybe!
What's going on?
Dad's having a standoff with a clown.
I'll handle it.
Hey, Dad...
this bozo giving you a hard time?
All right, listen, thanks a lot for coming.
And, uh, by the way, clowns aren't funny, okay?
Aw, Dad, you got ten of them getting in and out of your car.
Look.
Hi.
Do-do you think Andy will suspect anything?
Nah, he'll probably think it's one of Mallory's friends.
Hi!
God, you should have seen Scrapper playing Frisbee.
He leaps up and catches it every time.
He's not as good at throwing, but he's still better than Alex.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But can he convert shillings into drachmas?
Ah, he can't do that, but he can Watusi.
Are you two available for birthday parties?
Here you go. Here's dolly right here.
Yeah. God, I love this guy.
I almost forgot what great fun it was having him around.
Nick, what could you possibly have in common
with an animal that does nothing all day
but eat, sleep and chew shoes?
Then again, what don't you have in common?
Alex, animals are different than people.
Thank you for noticing.
Hey, uh, anybody for another round of Frisbee?
Oh, yeah. Come on, Alex.
You can get some pointers from Scrapper.
- Come on, Scrapper. - Yeah, I'll come with you.
Hey, Scrapper!
Come on, Scrapper.
Come on, boy.
Good boy. Good boy.
That dog hates me, Elyse.
He's not coming to Andy's party.
Steven, you have gone totally off the deep end
- with this party business. - Nonsense, Elyse.
It's just going to be a small, tasteful get-together.
Now, look, the contortionist is coming at 2:00.
The, uh... the human lightbulb at 2:15.
The human lightbulb?
Steven, that's crazy.
She's only 60 watts, Elyse.
Mom, Dad! Um, uh...
What?
- Scrapper got hit by a car! - Is he okay? - Oh.
I don't know! I can't look!
Yeah, this has happened plenty of times.
You know, Scrapper sees a car, he runs right into it.
He's not too bright that way.
Yeah, but it was that cat that ran out in the street.
Yeah, cats are definitely his weakness.
You know, he loves to run after them.
I don't think he wants to hurt them.
It's just that he's never seen one close up.
I wish I could say the same.
- Ow, ow. - Thank you for watching them.
They seem very fond of you.
Yeah, they-they sure do, they sure do.
You should think about getting their claws sharpened though.
Left some skin on my neck.
Sorry about that.
They must think you're their mother.
It's impossible; I've been out of town.
Well, hello there.
Alex, this poodle hates me, too.
Well, if it's any consolation, Dad,
he's gonna have that haircut for the rest of his life.
Scrapper's been in there for an awfully long time.
Ah, I think he broke his leg.
You know, he's broken everything.
I mean, this place is like his second home, so...
- Nick? - Oh, hey, hey.
Dr. Austin, how's he doing, huh?
Pretty banged up this time?
Nick, why don't we go talk in here.
Uh, come with me, would you, Mal?
So what is it, huh, Doc?
What'd he do, break his leg?
No.
I'm afraid there are other much more serious problems.
Just tell me.
Scrapper was obviously hit very hard.
He's suffered some brain damage.
Hey, that's okay.
I mean, he doesn't have to be that smart.
I'm afraid it's not a matter of that.
He's breathing at only 20% of his lung capacity
and there's also some internal bleeding.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that you may have to consider euthanasia.
How can I consider? I don't even know what it means.
Euthanasia means having Scrapper put to sleep.
Oh, hey, no way.
I am not gonna do that.
Isn't there something else you can do?
Well, I could operate to stop the bleeding.
S-So do that.
Nick, I have to tell you, Scrapper's a very, very old dog.
His chances of making it are slim.
If you'd like, you can have some time to think about it.
You know, the last thing I want to do is think about it.
I'm sorry, Nick.
What other choice do I have, huh?
Go ahead, operate.
Do me a favor and, uh, put this in his cage.
Don't you make fun of him for having a dolly.
I'll do everything I can.
Okay...
Okay, thanks...
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
The, uh, the party is in two days.
We'll see you then, huh? This is great.
Watch the antenna.
Good, thanks.
Great, great.
Steven, you promised you were gonna keep this simple.
Elyse, please, please.
You've got to get into the spirit.
A boy only turns seven once in his life.
Don't let it happen without a crustacean.
Do you guys know a good place
I could hide Andy's birthday present?
He won't stop snooping.
Right now, he is scanning my bedroom
with a metal detector.
Uh, well, try the hall closet.
I'll try anything right now.
Hi, Jen.
That's it; I can't take it.
It's a chemistry set.
Mom and Dad, did we hear if Scrapper's okay yet?
Nick and Alex and Mallory are still at the vet, honey,
but I'm sure everything's gonna be okay.
I want to tell you something.
Yeah, what is it, birthday boy?
I don't want to have a birthday party.
But, Andy, why not?
It just doesn't seem right, what Scrapper's going through.
Oh, honey, that's very sweet.
No clowns, no Smurfs,
no Mr. Lobster?
Nope.
Maybe for your birthday, Dad.
It's not for five months.
Hi.
Hi. How'd it go?
Surgery's over, but the doctor said
it's too soon to tell.
Jen, it was so sad seeing Scrapper sleeping
alone there in his cage.
I mean, when Nick saw him, I can't believe he didn't cry.
Alex cried though.
That's...
That's completely untrue.
Alex, it was so sweet.
Your eyes welled up
and your mouth went into that cute figure eight shape.
You cried.
That was an allergic reaction,
And you know it.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hi.
How you doing? Hi.
What do you have there, Nick?
Ah, just some presents for Scrapper.
When he gets out, I am gonna spoil him rotten.
Check it out.
I got a little squeaky ball here.
He'll love this.
And a, uh, little plastic fire hydrant all his own.
And a rawhide chew bone.
That's for me.
That's what I want for my birthday,
presents for Scrapper.
Do you think he'd like a chemistry set?
Nick, I'm so glad to see how optimistic you are.
Hey, he is gonna pull through, Mrs. Keaton.
You know, I know Scrapper; he's a little trooper.
And when he gets out and he's back on his paws again,
me and him are gonna look at the album I'm gonna make
- from these photos here, huh? - What do you got there?
Look, uh, there's us in our backyard.
And, uh, there's my mom with Scrapper.
Hmm?
And, oh, there's Scrapper chasing a stick.
Huh?
Oh, there's my mom chasing a stick.
Uh, uh, there's my mom and Scrapper
both chasing a stick.
Oh, and here's one just of the stick.
God, those were good times.
I'll get it.
Hello.
Uh, yes.
Hi, Dr. Austin.
Yeah.
He is. Hold on.
Um, Nick, it's the vet.
Uh, hello.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I-I'll be there.
I...
He said Scrapper's not doing so good.
- Oh, no. - Honey...
Damn.
You know, if he hadn't come to stay with me,
this never would have happened.
He wouldn't have gotten run over,
and everything would just be fine.
Nick, it's not your fault.
Where the hell is the doctor?
Nick, give him a minute.
He's in with a parakeet that swallowed a swing.
You wouldn't believe what I just saw.
There's a parakeet out there shaped like a swing.
Alex?
Alex, what are you doing here?
Oh, listen, I know you guys, uh, well,
I know you think I don't have much of a rapport with animals,
but, um, there's a special place in my heart for old Scrapper.
Hey, thanks, Alex.
Well, uh...
Uh, no, hey, Alex, you can stay.
Yeah?
So, uh, what's the story, Doc?
How's he doing, huh?
Nick, things didn't go as well as we'd hoped.
All right, have a seat.
Um, isn't there anything more we can do?
Maybe he just needs a little rest, huh?
Nick, right now, Scrapper's on heavy medication,
so he's only semi-conscious.
When he comes out of it, he'll be scared and in pain.
Now, we can keep him alive for a little while on machines,
but that would be more for you than Scrapper.
So you're saying there's no hope, huh?
Nick, this isn't an easy thing to say,
but the best thing you can do for Scrapper right now
is to put him to sleep.
I...
I can't do that.
You know, it's so final.
Well, he's in pain.
You have to let them take the pain away.
Nick, it'll happen very quickly and peacefully.
It's a decision that requires courage,
but really it comes out of love.
Are you okay?
Oh, sure, I'm okay.
I'm fine.
Scrapper's my pal.
I can't let him hurt like that.
Can I at least say good-bye to him?
Yes, of course.
We'll leave you alone, okay?
I love you.
Thanks.
Hey, thanks, Alex.
All right, I'm okay.
- I'm sorry. - I'm all right. - It's all right.
- It's okay. - Sorry.
Oh, hey, Scrap.
How you doing, buddy?
I'll be outside.
Oh, Scrapper.
Oh, boy.
Something's gonna happen to you
that I can't do nothing about.
But where you're going,
there's gonna be somebody really nice there
to take care of you.
Hey, God, it's me, Nicky.
Can you do me a favor and, uh...
take old Scrap here and put him under your wing?
Give him a lot of love?
He's really good at Frisbee.
I mean, if you're into that kind of thing.
And he's a very,
very special little soul.
And I'm gonna miss him.
Oh, I love you, Scrapper.
A chemistry set!
Thanks, Jen!
What a nice surprise.
Okay.
Okay, okay, what's next?
How about a little Pin the Tail on the Donkey, huh?
It's really not much of a party feeling, honey.
Even the lobster's depressed.
Where's Nick?
Oh, he's on his way over.
Poor Nick... he cried so hard on the way home,
you know, like a little kid,
when you can't catch your breath.
I mean, at first I couldn't hear him
because Alex was crying so hard.
Can I help you?
Dad, can you get this guy out of here?
I'm gonna have nightmares, I swear.
Get going, buddy,
or I'm gonna start boiling water in a minute.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it didn't work out, but, uh...
Oh, excuse me just a moment.
- Yeah. - Hey.
Hey.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy.
This is for you.
Thanks.
Okay, come on.
So, how you doing, Nick?
You okay?
Uh, no.
But, uh... yeah, I guess.
You?
Yeah, I'm...
Hey, uh, you know, I-I'm real sorry
I had to drag all you into this, huh?
Oh, honey, don't be silly.
No, it's okay.
Nick, you're like family.
Guy's dog just died.
Thanks, Mr. Keaton. Uh...
You know, I feel like part of me died with Scrapper.
It's just... every memory I have from childhood,
Scrapper was part of them.
You know, and it's just strange to think that he's gone.
Nick, we know that nothing will ever take Scrapper's place,
and that he'll always have a special place
in your heart and in your memories.
We can't help feeling that Scrapper
would want you to go on, you know, want you to start over.
Here, Nick, I want to give you this.
It's the best birthday present I could have.
Hey there, little buddy.
Hello.
We know you'll give him a good home, Nick.
Oh, hey, thanks, you guys.
Thanks a lot. Hey, pal.
What do you say, you want to be pals with me?
Huh?
Ripped By mstoll
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.