Ripped By mstoll
Hey, Dad, let me carry those.
Alex, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, come on, Steven, you're not supposed to carry heavy things.
You just had a heart attack.
Elyse, please.
Everyone, do me a favor.
I don't want to hear the words "heart attack."
Well, Mom's right, Dad.
I mean, you shouldn't overexert yourself
since, you know, you had the...
H-thingy.
Look, I had a...
H-thingy.
But I'm doing fine now.
It's not as if going to, um...
D-thingy.
Steven, I think you're slowly losing your M-thingy.
- What's for dessert, Mom? - Oh, I made some
chocolate pudding.
Oh, good, I love chocolate pudding.
Oh, no, that's not for you.
This is your dessert.
Seaweed-bran pudding.
Elyse, this was my main course.
Not with plankton whip.
Mmm-mmm.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hi. - Hi, honey.
- Thanks for the ride, Skippy. - Hi, Skipper.
Hey, Skippy, would you like to join us for some dessert?
Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Keaton.
I think I'm just gonna go back to my house, go up to my room,
and carry on with my pointless and totally lackluster life.
Say hello to your parents.
Skippy, is something wrong?
It's not something, Mrs. Keaton, it's just everything.
Today was Career Day at Grant.
We got the results of our job aptitude tests.
How'd you do, Mal?
Oh, great.
They said I'm good at shopping, exchanging and gift wrapping.
Well, let's just hope you use your power
for good instead of evil.
How'd you do, Skip?
Oh, not bad, not bad.
I did, uh, fine.
Oh, yeah, what are you good at?
"Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
There's a real future in that, Skip.
Aw, let's face it, I've hit my peak.
It's all downhill from here.
Oh, come on, Skip, come on. It'll work out.
Why don't you come out with me for dessert?
No thanks, Mr. K.
Are you sure?
I'm going to Baskin-Robbins.
Steven, don't you dare.
I'm just going to fondle some sherbet.
Cheer up, Skippy, look, you brought home
all those career brochures.
I'm sure there's something in there for you.
Maybe you're right.
Um, "Join the circus.
Become a human cannonball."
Gee, Skip, it says you'd be good at that.
Oh, no, it's hopeless.
I'll never have a career.
Maybe I should just go into business with my father.
Oh, what is he doing these days?
He's retired.
Come on, Skippy, look at all these career opportunities.
Uh, computer technician.
Dental assistant.
Bookkeeping.
Chimney sweep.
Hey, look at this one: The Army.
Don't run away from chimney sweep.
Look at this... it says you can travel all over the world,
meet new and interesting people,
work with state-of-the-art technology.
Oh, and you got to love those hats.
Oh, wow.
No, come on,
Skip, you're really not the Army type.
What are you talking about?
It's in my blood.
One of my relatives was a famous Revolutionary War hero.
Lieutenant Zachariah Handleman.
He was the first American soldier
to be captured by his own troops.
Skip, be serious here, you know.
It's a very big step you're talking about.
I want to do this.
H-How do you join the Army?
I don't know, I mean,
I guess you-you go down to a recruiting office,
you tell them you want to join, uh, fill out some forms,
uh, take a medical exam...
you know, turn your head, cough...
and...
you're in.
I can do that.
And I am going to.
This is the dawn of a new,
tough, courageous, independent Skippy Handleman.
Alex, will you come with me?
- You okay? - Yeah.
Good afternoon.
I'm Sergeant Davis. Can I help you gentlemen?
Yeah. Hi, Sergeant Davis.
I'm Alex P. Keaton,
and, uh, this is Irwin Handleman.
Irwin would like to join the Army.
Well, that's good, Irwin.
Uh, what makes you interested in the Army?
I want to be a man, sir.
Well, we can't promise anything, Irwin.
But we'll do our best.
Uh, and what about you, Alex?
Why do you want to join the Army?
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm really...
I'm not the military type, uh, Sergeant.
I'm, uh, I'm a business major.
Oh, well, then perhaps you'll want to join
our new elite fighting force, the Airborne Accounting Corps.
The soldiers of fiscal warfare.
See, we drop these troops behind hostile territory,
and they screw up the enemy's books.
Uh, well, actually, sir,
I'm-I'm from a family of, uh, fiscal pacifists.
We're Quakers.
Well, that's too bad. Uh, why don't you guys have a seat.
Irwin, let me ask you a few questions about yourself.
Okay, shoot.
Uh, well, not really.
- Age? - 20.
Previous military service?
Cub Scouts.
Then the Army's gonna be a day at the beach for you.
Any law violations?
Well, some people say I violate the laws
of natural selection.
Education?
Two years of college.
Oh, that's great. Where?
Grant College.
Oh.
Well, uh, you know, Sergeant Davis,
Grant College...
well, being an institute of-of lower learning,
has produced some fine military prospects.
Uh, in fact, may I remind you, sir,
that, uh, Grant College is named for Ulysses S. Grant.
Or possibly Lou Grant.
Both-both fine fighting men in their own right.
You know, Alex, you might be an excellent candidate
for our Airborne Verbal Assault Team.
You flatter me.
Well, Irwin, militarily speaking,
is there a specific area that particularly interests you?
Well, I-I've always seen myself driving a tank.
Uh, I feel pretty well-prepared, because my father has a Buick.
Tanks it is.
That's it? I'm in?
Well, there are a few formalities
that have to be completed, but my general sense of it,
Irwin, is that you're good Army material.
All right!
Hey, hey, Skip, Skip, look, you're moving really fast here.
Now, are you serious about this?
Oh, yes, I feel really good about this.
This is, this is right for me.
Well, then, you'll be looking at eight weeks
of basic training at Fort Wharton.
- Uh, where is that? - Just outside Dayton.
Whoa, right on the front lines.
And I'll be seeing you down there, Irwin.
I'm transferring down to Fort Wharton.
I'll be your drill instructor.
He'll warm up to you, Sarge.
Hey, don't mind if I do.
- Thanks. - Oh, I think I'd like...
Dad! These chips are not for you.
They've not been approved by the American Heart Association.
What am I supposed to eat?
Oh, Steven, do you think we're insensitive to that?
Came up with the perfect Cardiac chips.
And these are homemade, and there's nothing bad in them.
No salt, no fat, no preservatives.
Oh, great, what's the recipe?
Thinly slice a raw potato and serve.
Oh, here, let me...
Now, that must be the Handlemans.
Look, they're a little upset about Skippy going,
so try to be supportive and show them a good time.
- All right. - Fine.
Hello.
Private Handleman reporting for party, sir.
Hey.
At ease, Handleman, at ease.
Come on in, Rose.
- Harry, good to see you. - Hi, Rose.
Hi, Harry.
We'd really like to thank you
for throwing this little shindig for Irwin.
Oh, I'm sure he'd throw one for us
if we were going in the Army.
We're so proud of him.
He's going to be such a wonderful soldier.
He's going to look so handsome
In his uniform.
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
I'll call you every day, twice a day.
Uh, uh, once a day is fine.
Every other day is fine.
Well, come on, everybody.
Help yourselves.
Here, have-have something to eat.
What's he going to eat in the Army?
They don't know how to cook for him.
He doesn't eat everything, you know.
It's not going to be like the good, nourishing food
he's been eating at our house and yours all these years.
These are raw.
So, Skippy, when are you shipping out?
Really soon. Uh, in fact, Sergeant Davis is coming here
to pick me up so we can be at Fort Wharton by 0600 hours.
Which for you civilians is 600 hours after oh.
I spoke to Sergeant Davis on the phone.
He sounds like a very nice man.
I told him about
all of Irwin's special, sweet little quirks.
Come on, Mom.
You don't have to do that.
You can't watch over me every minute.
I've got to grow up sometime.
Now, he's right, Rose.
He's a big boy now.
He's not the same little Skippy that used to walk around
chewing an old blue blanket.
Oh, did you pack it, Mom?
It's in there right next to your asthma inhaler
and your nightlight.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to get emotional,
but how would you all feel if you were losing Alex?
I know how I'd feel.
And we certainly would be having a party.
Excuse me.
Oh, um, Sergeant Davis, I presume.
That's correct.
- I'm Steven Keaton. - How are you?
4F, flat feet, trick knee, heart attack.
That's good to know.
Please, uh, come in.
Sergeant Davis, everyone.
Sergeant Davis, sir.
You don't have to salute me, Irwin.
This is sweet, but if you do this at the base,
no one's gonna want to share a foxhole with you.
Sergeant Davis, I'm Rose Handleman.
We spoke on the phone.
I haven't forgotten.
Uh, your son can't digest milk products.
And don't forget, at night...
He kicks off the covers and needs to be tucked in.
Well, I guess I'm off to war.
What about you, Alex?
It's not too late.
Uh, no, Sergeant, really, please.
I, um... actually, I inherited my dad's trick knee.
Yeah.
What are you talking about, Alex?
- You don't have a trick knee. - Yeah.
Jennifer, listen... whoa!
My foot just went flat.
Wow.
This is really good-bye.
Well, uh, not-not quite yet.
Uh, Rose, Harry, uh, Skippy, look.
We're really going to miss you.
But, uh...
well, it's hard to put it in words, so, uh...
Good-bye, Mrs. Keaton.
I'll never forget you.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much!
You've meant the world to me.
Mr. Keaton, you'll wait for me, won't you?
We'd better go now.
Everybody better hurry up; inspection's in five.
Irwin, come on, get up.
One more minute, Mommy.
I'm not your mommy.
I've got a gun.
Oh.
Hi, Holworthy.
Hi, shnookums.
Now get up; it's inspection.
And you've already failed twice.
This time, I'm prepared.
You better pull yourself together,
or you're gonna lose your weekend pass.
Hey, Handleman,
what are you doing with your weekend pass?
Oh, I-I thought I'd just hang around here
and brush up on the Geneva Convention.
Did you guys hear what Handleman is doing
with his weekend pass?
Brushing up on the Geneva Convention.
What the hell is the Geneva Convention?
Well, maybe you should hang out with me here and brush up on it.
You talking to me, Handleman?
Holworthy, back off.
You're not scaring me.
All right, maybe you are scaring me.
May I remind you gentlemen
that I know Sergeant Davis personally?
We've hugged.
Ten-hut!
Ready for inspection?
Yes, Drill Sergeant!
Actually, I could use a few more minutes.
I don't hear you, Handleman!
That could possibly be wax buildup, Sergeant Davis.
I cannot believe
that I'm the one who recruited you, Handleman!
I cannot believe that you have not tucked me in once!
Put a lid on it, soldier!
All right, soldiers, stand at ease.
Get to your bunks.
Good job, Curtis.
Well done, Matthews.
Good job, Strauss.
Well done, Holworthy.
Are you looking for something specific, Sarge?
Yes!
I'm looking for the signs of a solider!
And I don't see one here!
Um...
Sergeant Davis, can I talk to you for a minute?
What happened to us?
We used to be so close.
Don't you remember, back at the recruiting office?
Well, we'll always have Columbus, Handleman.
But right now...
when one of you screws up, you let the whole platoon down!
When one of you fails, you all fail!
Weekend passes revoked,
compliments of Private Irwin Handleman.
Um...
No, uh, Sergeant, you...
Guys, I've got some extra Fig Newtons.
Who am I kidding?
Celery dog, Elyse?
Steven, tonight... you're gonna get lucky.
I don't care about that, Elyse, I want some food.
That's what I was talking about, Steven.
See, you've been so pathetic all week,
having to eat all this low-cholesterol food,
so I called Dr. Harrison, and he said that occasionally
you could have a small treat.
Don't tease me, Elyse.
Feast your eyes on this.
Oh, God, Elyse, thank you.
No, no, no, no.
You can't have it all.
You can just have...
this much.
Aren't you gonna finish it?
I'd like to save the rest for tomorrow.
Hey, look at this.
- We got a postcard from Skippy. - Yeah.
Oh, what's it say?
Uh... I don't know, it's in Spanish.
"Mis amigos Keatons.
Todo esta muy bueno aqui en Akron."
It was something about Akron.
How do you know, Jennifer?
Did you take Spanish?
You know...
...he's only been gone a couple of weeks,
but I-I really miss our little Skippito.
I can't believe this, Dad, but I have to agree with you.
I mean, remember all the silly things he used to do?
Like when he'd come over to see us,
instead of knocking on the door,
he'd squish his face up against the glass and...
Skippy?
Skippy, what are you doing here?
I didn't think they'd give you time off.
Do the letters "A-W-O-L" mean anything to you?
You went AWOL?
That's right, I did it.
I went AWOL.
What is AWOL?
It means "Absent Without Leave."
Really?
I-I thought it literally meant "a wall."
As in going over a wall, which is what I did.
Oh, boy.
Skippy, what are you talking about?
Listen, I thought you said everything was going fine there.
It wasn't. It was a complete disaster.
Nobody liked me.
Oh, come on, Skippy, you should be used to that.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, it's Sergeant Davis. - Oh, it's Sergeant...
- What am I gonna do? - Well, Skippy, I...
No, I...
Well, Sergeant Davis.
Mr. Keaton.
If you're here to measure me for a uniform, about-face.
No. No.
I'm here looking for Private Irwin Handleman.
Oh.
Pri... do you hear that, Steven?
He's look...
He's looking for Private Irwin Handle...
You want a, want a celery dog, sir?!
I'm here, Sergeant Davis.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Keaton, but...
this is my problem, and... I've got to deal with it.
Excuse me, folks, but would you mind
if I speak to the private privately?
Handleman,
you have committed a very serious offense.
Now, going AWOL is one of Army's least favorite things.
What's going to happen to me now, Sergeant?
We could throw you in the stockade.
Or we could put you on a rock pile.
Or... we could do what we're gonna do.
Let you out.
You can do that?
It's called a trainee discharge for unadaptability.
This won't be the first one of these I've gotten.
Look, Irwin...
...part of growing up
is finding out where you fit in.
And where you don't fit in.
And we both know you don't fit into the Army.
I don't know.
I don't feel good about this.
I don't want to feel like I'm quitting.
You're not. You're fired.
Well, great. So I'm back to where I started.
Back to square one.
I'm just no good at anything.
Hey, listen to me, Irwin.
Took a lot of courage for you to join the Army.
And that's the same kind of courage
that's gonna get you to where you should rightfully be.
You're going to become a man, Irwin.
Thank you, Sergeant Davis.
Alex!
I want you.
You know, actually, Sergeant Davis,
I've been thinking about that
Airborne Accounting Corps, and... oh!
Darn, the old trick knee.
Oh, it's...
I'll be back for you, Alex.
Irwin.
Ripped By mstoll
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.