Oh, there's the happy new couple.
How are things in paradise?
Shalom... hi.
Just curious, have you ever noticed how Danny is a little bitch?
This morning we were in a coffee shop
The guy spilled coffee all over me
He did not apologize.
Yes, I might have said that only guys with small penises drink peppermint lattes.
But still, what do you think Tommy Tugnuts over here did?
Nothing! Which is why we still haven't had sex in real life.
Whoopsie. What's this?
Oh, you know, it's a little detail you left out
*** The bit doesn't work if you block it. Please...
Turns out that the guy you bumped into
definitely is a giant that came down on a beanstalk,
and wanted to drink a medium-sized regular human sized cup of coffee.
- Danny, Danny... - Hold on.
Danny, you've got to protect your lady.
I mean, come on. That's the first thing they
teach you at man college.
That's weird because I was a professor at man college. I don't remember you there.
You must have have skipped my class.
"Why chins are important."
So this man college...
What are the dorms like?
At least I can step up from my Candy Cane
hair when need be. Tell them about yesterday.
I was standing in line for ice cream
- and this person cut in front of me... - Yeah, and I was like "Hey Hey!"
"What are you doing? Huh? You ugly idiot!"
"Get to the back of the line."
Except the kid wasn't cutting, he was just joining his mom in line.
Babe, I'm sorry, is this my story or yours?
I'm sorry, babe. Go ahead and tell them what the mom did.
She tried to punch me in the face, but I dodged it.
See, this is what I mean. This is what I need. I mean, not some guy who gets
bullied by a soccer mom but, because that's
sad but I need someone who can protect me
when I mouth off because I have news for you, I like to mouth off, sweet pea.
Not really news, Anderson Cooper.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, that's such a great sweater, Shelley.
Is that black Santa?
I believe you mean "real Santa"
Anyway, I got you guys some gifts.
You got us Christmas sweaters?
Oh, mine's Jewish.
This would go great with my big old, circumcised penis.
Hey, mine has a picture of me on it.
Danny, that's Jesus, son of God.
You're a 34-year-old man who says "cute" a lot.
That's true, but people mix us up because we both coined terms:
His was "forever and ever"!
Yeah, you're an idiot.
Anyway, I just thought this would get us in the Christmas spirit.
- This bar isn't even decorated. - We're going out of town and I
decided to close the bar for a couple of days.
Yeah, Shel, I thought you were going to Disney-world.
Oh yeah, he was going to go to Disney-world but
he changed his mind when he discovered they charge $12 for churros.
Mm-hmm, if I get stoned I'm going to lose all my money.
Before you leave for Christmas Eve, I thought maybe
we could have a party upstairs in my room.
It would really mean a lot to me if we can spend it together, because you guys are
- kind of my family. - Awww!
- Of course, we'll be there, Shel. - I'm in.
I have a long history of doing whatever handsome black men tells me to do.
I'm in. We can go caroling and we can do the song we're working on.
- One, two, three... - ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
♪ my true love gave to me ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, You just made me hate being white.
Besides, if anyone will be doing any singing around here
it's going to be me. Remember the gospel choir you
brought in singing "Hallelujah." Well guess what?
I said it the holy way, "Hallelujah." Okay? But guess what?
They told me and these are their words, not mine,
they said god said that I'm more talented than you.
God also made John Travolta's hairpiece so sometimes he gets things wrong.
By the way, it will be a cold day in hell when
someone thinks you're a better singer than me.
Oh really? You know what? It's a good thing we got these
sweaters because it's about to get chilly up in here.
- Choir! - ♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah hallelujah ♪
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
_
So did you two actually make out last week?
Whatever. He said something really sweet.
You know how emotional I get. I totally lose it if I even hear
- the title of that Adele song. - Hello.
Please don't. Tell him that it was no big deal
Look, it was just one of those good
moments between good friends. It's not going to go anywhere
and I assure you, this was not a prepared statement that I was asked to memorize.
I'm so pissed at you right now!
Does anyone want to know why I'm carrying a box full of puppies?
The reason is unimportant. But I'm going to lay down and
you're going to pour those puppies on top of me!
Apparently those are all Mo's children,
which, you know, I think would be impossible
- because I always keep him on the leash unless I'm in the dog park. - Uh!
Take it from a girl with a 4-year-old son, you can get pregnant at the dog park.
Okay.
Anyway, nine weeks ago I think back what was going on then?
Oh, yeah, Justin was watching Mo for the weekend!
- and now we have grand puppies. - Tell me a joke.
What's brown and sticky? What?
A stick? Oh, you're bad at comedy.
Mo is my family. How would you like it if I took your mom out and I got her pregnant.
Actually, I would love that. Beverly is very depressed and
alone and I've always wanted siblings. You know that.
Still, I remember watching Mo.
I never left took my eye off him except when I let Danny watch him.
No. No, no, no.All I did was exactly what you
told me. I fed him, let him out to do his
business and now I realize do his business doesn't mean have sex
Alright, well thanks to you I now have Mo's
baby mama saying I'm financially responsible
No, you don't have to give Vince anything alright
Who even says that we know for sure
- that Mo is the real father? - That would be me.
Yeah yeah, I mean, I agree with Vince.
I agree with Vince.
Which is the next investigation for us to follow?
Is it the "Mysterious Mystery of Danny's Missing Balls"?
Whatever, dude, she got pregnant in a dog park
Guys, I cannot believe it's Christmas Eve.
Especially because it still feels like it's exactly December 11th.
You guys, Vince just said I need
to pay $1200 in puppy support. How am I supposed to pay for that?
I have an idea. How does Justin feel about sharing you?
You're the scariest woman I've ever met.
Hey, what's up?
So we've got plans to help Candace.
Does it include terrorizing children at the mall?
Why are you wearing the costumes?
Hello? Lady, we three are in costume, okay?
Justin is not, okay?
This is just the time of year that he reverts back to his
natural form and goes up north to build toys for kids.
No, I am not an elf! Elves aren't even real.
That's exactly what a real elf would say to try to throw us off the trail.
Now you go build me an Xbox.
Listen. Listen...
Listen, dude, here's the plan.
We'll all go caroling at Vince's house.
Now, Justin and I will take care of the singing, okay?
You have to admit that you can't sing, please.
Okay, fine then, but Brett can and I'm amazing at lip syncing. Watch this.
♪ Fall on your knees and ♪
♪ hear the angels voices ♪ ♪ oh night divine ♪
♪ oh night when Christ was born ♪
So, look, that's obviously going to work out, okay? So now, when we're distracting
Vince, we'll have Burski sneak into his house and he's all
sneaky and he'll grab one of the dogs and that's very violent to
kick them. We'll get the DNA of the dogs
and then... I've got it from here and then we'll find out if
Mo is really the father. It's the perfect plan, dude.
Okay, guys. I'll get you guys later.
I thought maybe I could have a good luck kiss.
Okay. The thing is everyone kind of
wants us to be in a relationship.
People are even calling us "Lursky".
- What people? - My parents.
And I have no one. Yay!
I'm going to go get ready for the Christmas party.
- Are you bringing your son? - No, he'll spend it with his dad,
so I usually spend it drinking and crying.
Oh, my god. Me, too.
You know, guys, I feel like this silly plan could actually work
with Vince and his gang caroling.
Wait a minute, like his gang of friends?
No. His prison gang.
He runs a halfway house for guys who just got out of jail.
What, you think it could be great.
What are you doing? Save yourselves.
Tell everyone I was brave! Hey, guys.
You want to see how we do things in the north pole?
Hold on, guys. Let me do one-on-one first.
Ha! Oh no! They're using my head as a battering ram!
You know what? It turns out that Vince and the
gang are actually pretty cool dudes.
I am just glad that you're defending your friends.
It kind of makes me want to start a street fight so you'll protect me.
I'm getting hot just thinking about it.
Danny, she's so scary.
I know. I love it.
Vince, did you bring the mama dog? Okay.
Oh, my god. She must have had a nice personality, yeah?
Turns out Mo likes Dem ugly bitches.
Anyway, in my hand I have the results to the do it yourself doggie pregnancy test.
I think you should announce it like Maury Povich.
Yeah, okay
So, Vince here believes that Mo is the father of these six puppies.
Yeah, but Candace says that a dog like Mo would
never be running around with a tramp like this.
That's right!
That's enough! That's enough!
Here are the results. In the case of mo and the
bastard puppies...
Mo, you are not the father!
Guys, guys, guys, please, it's Christmas. We'll help you out, Vince.
We'll help you find a home at a local shelter.
Would be nice.
Hey, ride or die. Aztecs forever, dude.
See you Rooster, Big Tiny, Killer Mike, Scooby Dooby
Forrest Whitaker. Glenn.
All right, so we wrapped that up just in time to get the hell
out of here. On the way to the airport, who
- wants a ride. - Happy holidays, everybody.
I love how things work out perfectly on Christmas.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me.
Well, merry Christmas to me.
Merry Christmas!
You're okay! This means I don't have to damn you all to hell!
We all decided to change our plans.
***
My Christmas wish came true. I just wanted us all to be happy like this.
It reminds me, I want to hear everyone's Christmas wish.
My wish is that someone would stop pretending like that kiss
didn't mean something when it so obviously did mean something.
Okay, well, my wish is that you could understand that
sometimes a woman needs time to process things especially in the
holidays when she's overwhelmed by her job, her mom,
her rent, her workout schedule Adele, Brett, refill!
So yeah, maybe that kiss meant something to
somebody, but that somebody isn't sure what yet.
Hear that, guys? She isn't sure.
My Christmas wish is
obviously that everyone stops making wishes.
Okay. All right.
If I really had to give my Christmas wish my wish would be
we could keep doing this for a long time.
I really love you guys and it means a lot to me.
Yep, I'm with Danny, you know. I never thought I would have a
job where I get to hang out with my friends every day.
I hear you, man. Winter, summer, fall, spring.
I just get to do this for a few more seasons.
But I will say my father once told me that a house is a
house, but a family makes a home. So thank you for the home.
What about you, Shel?
It just seems like the world is a dark place
lately and everywhere you look people are kind of scared you know?
I think I have three Christmas wishes
The first is just to hold on to hope, no matter what.
The second will be just a little bit more love in this world.
And the third would be for that Star Wars movie not to suck.
You guys are my best friends. I love you.
Merry Christmas. I love you.
Oh, my god, you guys are such bitches.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --