Greetings, members of the league!
Remember last week when I ran into a former flame?
Well, it was that night I made a very important decision.
- I never wanna be without you again. - Mmm.
Oh, no, Andre. What are you about to do?
So we went to Mexico and tied the knot!
Wait. What?
- Yeah! - I'm Mrs. Meegan Nowzick!
And I don't really hate it that much. The name, I mean.
Wow. I could've notarized it.
- You know Venezuela's different than Mexico, right? - How so?
- But right now, it's all about my lady. - That's me.
- And bam! Bam! - Baby.
I never thought I'd be embarrassed
for Vanilla Ice to be associated with something.
- If that baby knows what's good for it, it's not coming out. -
So Andre and Meegan haven't been together in months, yet now they're married?
- What the hell? - How does it make you feel?
Whoa. You're not only Eskimo Brothers with Andre, but you're Eskimo husbands too.
Hey, did I hear Eskimo husbands?
Boom. Someone put a ring on it.
- Congratulations, Andre. - Thank you, guys, so much.
It it so good to be off the meat market.
I mean, now I can just hang my meat in one fridge.
- Are those your vows? - No, my vows were actually based
on something Tom Bergeron said on Dancing with the Stars about partnership.
We did have fun at the wedding.
I hired a stilt-walking group called The Moko Jumbies
to perform at our wedding, just for us.
- How do they do stilts in the sand? - There were some accidents.
Andre, I speak for everyone
to say that we are about as happy for you as we can be.
But you and Meegan did break up. Are you sure the baby is yours?
Yeah, of course I'm sure the baby's mine.
All right, anyway, I need to go see a man about a papoose.
Can a baby miscarry itself?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Check it out.
Oh! Jesus, Taco, what the hell happened?
- Just normal wear and tear. - This is not normal wear and tear.
Well, also, the pony knocked over a lava lamp. There was a fire...
The pony caught the place on fire?
No. The pony caught himself on fire. This was from smoking in a bed.
- Was that you? - It was the pony.
Aren't you listening to what I'm saying?
Anyway, now all I have to do is get insurance,
- and I'm gonna make a fortune. - Uh, it doesn't really work that way.
It's all part of my master plan.
Burn down the EBDB BnB.
Vanish without a trace.
- Why? - Can't tell you, Jenny.
I wish I could, but I don't trust you.
Can you believe it? Soon, the EBDB BnB will be closing its doors.
What... Taco, you have people in there.
Hey, guys, watch out for the hole in the floor while you're having sex!
It's real dangerous in there. You wanna come up?
Ew. What? No.
Not with me. With strangers.
Oh, God, Taco.
All right, I'm going in.
Kev, now that I got you here man on man, I figured I'd rap at you.
- Wait. What? - Man on man.
- Who am I in this scenario? - You're a man watching man.
I don't wanna watch man on man. What is that?
- I don't wanna be a man in this thing. - We're all men in this thing.
This is what men do. They have a man on man in the bathroom, in the sauna.
They meet in the park and have a man on man.
- In the park? - Yeah. Where else do you have a conversation?
- It's man on man. - Okay.
Sometimes we're the man watching man on man.
Sometimes we're the man in the man on man being watched by a man.
- And today we're just men being men on men. - What do you want?
I just want you to rap at me about your parenting styles so I can avoid them.
Okay, well, I mean... Wait. What?
- He just burned you. - I know. Goddamn it.
- That was a successful Andre burn. - I just got manned.
Can we get back to football? How you guys feeling
about Antonio Brown's matchup this weekend?
Great. You kidding me? Against the Ravens defense on Sunday night?
- I totally agree. - I have Antonio Brown though.
- I'm talking about for Draft Kings. - No.
No, no, no, no. It's Shiva Bowl weekend.
Yeah, also the Draft Kings million-dollar tourney is this weekend.
In a million times, I don't care.
In a million times, get over it.
Now I'm the man watching man on man.
- And this is new for you? - It's a little hard.
Should we? Let's let that one go.
Hey, guys, Chuck sent us a package.
Ooh, a package.
- There was a note that said, "Watch this first." - Oh, okay.
Hey, guys, Chuck here. My gum and I have had a magical journey.
I sat everywhere. I sat in everything I could. My scrotal passport is full.
- That gum loved to travel. - But, uh, it's over now. I had a gum-ectomy.
Wow.
Doctors took my gum like they were the Singapore police.
The pack's empty.
Pains me to say this, but I'll never sit in gum again.
You know, that might not be a bad thing.
But you can. You have to.
For me. "No nut" Chuck.
And that's why I want you to have my gum.
Think of me whenever you sit in it.
I love you, guys. I love you, Shiva.
What...
- Oh, no. - Wow!
Oh, my God. Those aren't stress balls.
No, they're not.
No. Those are the greatest additions to The Sacko trophy ever.
Chuck is the MVP of the league.
- He's really stepped up The Sacko trophy. - This is next level.
Whoever wins The Sacko gets their own set of real balls.
And stuck with the beach house. I am not gonna be on the hook for those repairs.
Guys, well, while we are on the subject of trophies,
I just wanna remind you that Kevin and I have got our own little side bet.
Oh, right... who gets spayed, who gets neutered.
Take it easy, Bob Barker. It doesn't really work that way.
When I win, Kevin has said he's gonna get a vasectomy.
- And when I win, she's gonna get her tubes tied. - Oh, boy.
But this is very serious, so we're gonna try to be mature about it.
Yeah. And that's why I made a trophy.
Let me introduce you to the Snip.
- Look at this. That's a real trophy, babe. - Oh, yeah.
Your name's gonna go right here for the rest of eternity.
- We'll see about that. - Never run with the Snip. Be careful on the stairs.
Carry the Snip with the sharp end down.
- I don't care for this thing. - Why didn't you make your own trophy?
I was, but the trophy place didn't have plastic ovaries.
- That's disgusting. - That's what the old lady that worked there said.
- We're so excited you guys are here. - This is great.
- What is it exactly? - It's a baby gender party.
- So it's a baby shower. - MEEGAN, ANDRE: No.
You have to buy other presents the next time.
We'll have a shower registry. This is the gender registry.
- I need a cocktail. - Yes.
We have boy cocktails and girl cocktails.
If you want a boy, pick a blue cocktail. A girl, pick a pink cocktail.
I'll mix a little of both and call it an Andre.
That's what he's been doing all day.
Great. Okay.
I mean, how are they gonna baby-proof this joint?
Well, Andre already people-proofed it.
It's the worst, man.
Dating in your 30s is like moving the extra-point mark back.
It just gets harder and harder to do the same little things.
Why are you being so negative, man? Just expand the playing field.
- To anything that moves? - Who said anything about it moving?
- Like what? - It could be anything, man.
A pinecone. A surfboard.
A paper bag. A tennis ball.
A book. A couch. A bicycle.
In the spokes of the bicycle?
You gotta figure it out for yourself, man. Whatever works.
Ooh. Anyone gonna take a hit off of Kevin's pubes?
I don't smoke the red stuff, thanks.
- Hey, uh, Pete, what'd you get Andre? - Uh, nothing. Why?
What? You got to get him something extra special.
You guys are Eskimo husbands.
While it's true we've spelunked in the same cave,
only I left something behind.
- That's so gross. - What, like a broken headlamp?
Oh, hold that thought. Everybody!
I have a very important announcement, everyone.
I know you think today's party can't get any better.
- No one thought that. - Uh-oh. What's that?
I've reunited my college a cappella group, the Dre Tones.
- Oh, no. - And we're gonna bring
our Motown sound back to ChiTown.
Uterus?
Give it up for the Dre Tones!
- Yay! Everybody clap! - Wow.
Yeah. You guys remember the Dre Tones?
You were busy for the shows that you were supposed to come see,
but if you couldn't come to them, they could come to you.
I'd like to say a few words.
- Taco with a speech. - Speech!
- First speech! - Oh, my gosh.
Andre, Meegan, this has nothing to do with you.
Everyone, I want you all to know
that I am going to mysteriously vanish, and I want you to know why.
I have been summoned to court.
I knew that one day it'd catch up to me.
Yeah. They wanna put me on trial. They want me to fry.
They want you to be on a jury.
You can't be on a jury and tried at the same time.
That's not how it works. I thought you were a lawyer.
- No, you don't... - Just...
- What... - Taco, what exactly are you on trial for?
Did you guys never ask yourselves,
"How does he maintain this decadent lifestyle?"
The bicycles? The vintage suits? The used van?
- We pay for all of that. - That's us.
- The spear gun? - Us.
- I guess we really just didn't wanna know the truth. - I appreciate that, Ruspin.
- So I guess this is good-bye. - All right, bye. Later.
I love you, guy... Well, I don't love you...
What's just below "like" and above "dislike"?
"Neutral"? I neutral you guys.
- Andre, I neutral you less. - So more towards "like"?
So I'm gonna vanish right now.
Poof. Smoke.
- This is crazy. - No. Let him go.
Vanishing! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I'll take some of that.
Vanishing food. Mmm.
- And just like that, he mysteriously vanished. - Vanishing!
Well, everybody, let's not let one vanishing
wreck a whole afternoon of a cappella fun.
Oh, no. Let's just have one more vanishing.
- What? No. No, no more vanishing. - Poof! Smoke.
- And you made a pitch pipe appear. - Magic!
- The Dre Tones are driving me crazy. - I know.
- Andre is so sexy. - Hmm.
- So, when does the little pumpkin drop? - Labor Day.
When did you guys break up again?
- Mmm. - Oh, I remember.
You guys broke up around the Beer Mile.
That was week four of the NFL season,
'cause C.J. Spiller was on my bench, and he killed it.
- And you said the baby was due Labor Day. - Yeah.
Most people don't know this, but a baby actually gestates for 10 months.
I know. Don't remind me.
But that means the baby would have been conceived at the end of October,
not the beginning of October,
around week seven or eight of the season.
But you and Andre had broken up at that point.
I don't... You know what? I'm probably mixing up my dates.
The doctor was just throwing a lot of numbers out at me...
I got some week-five problems here.
- You got a problem there too. - Oh, it's nothing.
- Don't worry about it. - Roethlisberger's out.
So what do I do, pick up Tyrod Taylor?
You'd never have the balls to use him.
Tyrod Taylor's like buying a Bowflex.
You're gonna buy it 'cause it looks good,
- and then you're like, "I'm never gonna use this." - Never use him.
- What is it, hemorrhoids? - No, it's just a weird night.
- Sleep. You know. - Huh.
...maybe could be coming early or...
It doesn't really matter, as long as we have a healthy baby.
- Hey, Meegan. - Hmm?
Can I guess what sex the baby is?
Sure.
I think the sex... was with Pete.
Oh, man!
Shark Ruxin, sniffing out the blood in the water
and chomping down on the truth!
Please don't tell Andre. It was one time.
- Does Pete know? - No!
He doesn't know, and he cannot know.
Promise me he will not ever find out.
Keep that nasty finger away from me.
Please, please, Ruxin.
Um, Meegan. Meegan, come here.
I-I'll be right there, honey. Hold on.
- Promise me. - Meegan.
Ruxin, promise me.
- Come here, come here. - I'm coming, honey.
This is an amazing baby shower.
It is now time to announce the sex of the Nowzick baby.
Is it a boy or is it a girl?
Mouth-roll, please.
It's a boy!
Between the Dre Tones and the hummus, I'm gonna barf.
Does your stomach hurt? What... Is that...
- Geez. - Unbelievable.
- Nice job vanishing, Taco. - The only thing vanishing are our deli meats.
Hey, honey, I'm home.
Oh, my God. What is this, a youth hostel?
- You guys look great. Where you been? - Out.
- We were at Andre and Meegan's baby shower. - Don't tell him.
- She's pregnant? - Yeah.
Oh, God, I hope it's not mine.
- Why would it be yours, Rafi? - I've been jacking down on their towels like crazy.
- You think that's how it works? - Yeah.
She puts the towel on, my biz gets on her leg... swim, swim, swim.
Next thing you know, four months later, Baby Rafi comes out.
Well, congratulations if you're having a baby, Rafi.
No, I don't want a baby with Meegan.
Plus, my very serious girlfriend Margaret and I have been trying.
Oh.
- You and Margaret are still together. - Yeah.
But I don't know if she can get pregnant. She might be seedless.
Either way, it's time to go.
- Cool. - So you should be...
No, I'm sleeping back here behind the couch.
- What? Why? - Hmm?
Because Margaret's already back there, and I'm already hard.
So you guys should probably get out of here pretty quick.
What?
- You know what? You-You might be right, Rafi. - Cool.
It's about to get weird!
You guys are welcome to stay and watch. I'd love the audience.
Oh, my God!
- What? - No, no, no, no, no!
Someone murdered Margaret! First Sofia and now Margaret!
Someone's murdering the women that I love!
- We're just gonna go to bed now. - I think we should...
One, two, three.
Oh, baby!
Mmm. Oh!
One last time, baby. Oh, this is the last time.
- Rafi, the remote... - Huh?
Don't judge me, Brian. I need you to look at me, Brian.
I need you to look at me so I can finish, Brian. Oh, no!
There are seeds.
She was pregnant!
I have a bone to pick with you.
You are single-handedly ruining our league.
- I'm ruining it? - Yes.
I'm not the one who got us banned from the league's site forever.
Just knock it off with the Draft Kings talk. Nobody wants to hear about it.
Okay? It's Shiva Bowl week, and it's like you don't even care.
I care. It's just this is more money than I could make in my entire life.
Make all the money you want. But this used to be your thing.
This is what you cared about. This is why you got divorced, right?
And I would still get divorced for this.
- And? - I would still shave my balls for this.
Great. Then come shave your balls with us again, okay?
Don't shave your balls with strangers online for cash.
It's just that this is life-changing money,
and I think we can agree I need a life change right now.
Oh. Thank you. Really, guy?
- What kind of asshole sits right in front of you? - That's great.
We'll move. Don't mind us.
Taco?
- No, it's not me. - Taco.
I'm someone else with a different voice and face.
Why when I ask for Taco, you're the only one that answers?
I'm not doing that.
He says it's not him. Just leave him alone.
- What's up, Taco? - Hey, Pete.
Damn it.
Do I roll the dice with Stefon Diggs
or... do I play it safe with Allen Robinson?
God, Andre's team is stacked.
If I tell him about Pete and Meegan, he'll implode.
On the other hand, I'm such a good friend.
I need a sign.
- Shiva? - Rodney.
I'm so sorry I didn't come to the funeral. I was out of the country.
No, no, no. You're here now, and that's all that matters.
- This is for you, Geoffrey. - Oh, a baseball glove.
Thanks, The Shiva.
Just "Shiva" is fine.
Oh, you did great, buddy. Hey, go upstairs.
- I'll tuck you in in a bit, all right? - Okay.
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know what to get you. I'm sorry.
Oh, Shiva, your presence is a gift.
Are you doing okay? Is there anything I can do for you?
Well... I mean, there's one thing.
- What is this? - This is my fantasy lineup.
Okay, what do you want me to do with this?
- I want you to bless it. - What?
- A blessing from The Shiva. - Okay.
Rodney, you know that I'm just a girl
you went to high school with, right?
I don't have magical powers. I can't help you win a fake football league.
- I know it seems crazy, but... - Is this really gonna help you?
More than anything anyone has done for me since my wife died.
Okay.
Specifically in the wide receiver area.
That's been a real bugaboo this week.
This is what I would do.
Hey, you seen my pube trimmers? Whoa.
- Who's this? - Shiva, Rafi.
Wow. Very firm grip.
You know what that means... super good hand jobs.
- Okay, Rafi, that's enough. - Sorry to interrupt.
But I just can't help but feel like with Sofia only, like, a month dead,
it's early for you to be dating.
Oh, oh, no, no, no. We're not dating.
- Oh, whatever you call it... finger-blasting. - No.
Ass-blasting, kissing on the mouths, upstairs, downstairs.
- Wide receiver. - I'm just gonna go.
Front to back, top to bottom, swapping poops, butt to butt.
Rodney, I'll see you next week.
No. Next week is too late.
- - Ooh, you smell good. What is that, McDonald's?
Mmm. Wow. She's like a Big Mac.
- Shiva, just tell me who to play at wide receiver! -
- Oh, Rafi, you screwed it up. - That was great. You're welcome, man.
- You're welcome? - Yeah.
You screwed me. She was about to bless my lineup.
I'll bless your lineup. Is that what we're talking about here?
Yeah, yeah.
- Oh. - There you go. Bingo bango. Blessed, Rafi-style.
- Kevin. - Shiva! Hey!
Ohh!
What a week to run into you.
I know it's championship week, okay?
I should just go on vacation until the end of football season so I can avoid all you people.
No, we wouldn't want that.
- What are you doing? - Rubbing you for good luck.
- I'm not a lamp. - No? Okay. Sorry.
- See you next week. - Wait. Why?
For the procedure.
Jenny called. She made the appointment.
She called to make the appointment already.
She has that little faith in my abilities, huh?
- She has that little faith in your abilities as a father. - Unbelievable, that woman.
- Good to see you, Kevin. - Oh.
Praise Shiva.
- Guess who I just ran into. - Hmm.
- Shivakamini Somakandarkram. - Ooh!
You already made the appointment, huh?
- Of course I did. - Wow. That is low.
I could go ahead and cancel it,
but then I'd have to reschedule it when I win.
- No. - It's just a rigmarole...
You think that you're the goddess of my pubic region,
- that you decide whether my balls live or die? - Yeah.
That's "pubris." You're being really "pubristic."
Hello!
Listen. I know everybody's freaking out about Taco disappearing.
I already lost Margaret. I will not lose Taco.
So I am on the case like Magnum P.I.
Rafi, what do you think you're eating?
I thought they were human testicles. Goddamn it, what is it?
- What am I eating? - Oh, my God!
It's not pork, is it? Oh! It's Ramadan!
Rafi, those were Chuck's balls.
Huh! Oh, okay.
You're not supposed to swallow your gum.
Ah, so gross.
Anyway, I'm off to look for clues on Taco's disappearance.
Starting in your panty drawer.
Tell him. I shouldn't tell him.
Tell him.
Don't tell him.
Tell him.
Hey. Hey!
- Hey! - What? What the hell? Who are you?
Where am I?
Come on. What are you, an idiot?
Who do I look like?
- Should I know who you are? - I would think so.
- Did you jerk off into a sock when you were 12? - Yes, but who didn't?
Camp Whiterow. You scored 10 points in the color war game.
- You came home. You told everybody you scored 28. - Twenty-eight.
- In the sixth grade, you played Ali Hakim in Oklahoma! - Oklahoma!
Yeah, they cut my song, "It's a Scandal!"
"It's a Scandal! It's an Outrage!"
- It was a scandal! - It was an outrage!
- So you're me. - Sorry to say I am.
Yes. I'm Ruxin from the future.
The hair's a bummer, man. The hair's a real bummer.
You know why that happened? After you told Andre,
you lost your job, you lost your friends, you lost the league.
You're saying because I told Andre, I lost my hair?
Yeah. I got used to it after a while.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Do women? - There's a small percentage
- that has a thing for it. - Really?
Yes. Those are the ones you gotta go after.
- How are they? - Not great.
- I wanna show you something. - Just show it to me here.
- I can't. - I'm comfortable.
- Why do I have to get up and go somewhere? - Let's go.
I wanna show you something.
All right, all right, all right.
So, what, I make some decision to tell Andre,
the league falls apart, everything goes to shit?
Even worse.
Holy shit. That's the Oracle.
- The Freaky Friedman kid? - My God, I'm gonna go talk to him.
Okay. I'll pay for the nuts.
Oracle! Still licking food and putting it back. Classic.
- Excuse me? - You still play fantasy football, man?
I'm having problems with my number-two running back this week.
- I got Melvin Gordon. - I wouldn't worry about it.
See, what happens this week is... you die.
Okay.
Uh, you don't have to get so dramatic, man.
I haven't told you the rest of my lineup. I got Melvin Gordon or...
Kevin? Kevin! Kevin!
- Kevin! Oh, my God, help me! - Oh, my God.
- I can't believe Jenny's a widow. - Well, didn't exactly say that.
- Honey, I'm home from work. - How was your day?
Those kids wanted a spaceman at their birthday party, and they got one.
I bet they did. Mmm!
Ellie, dinner!
- Oh, my God. - I heard you, Mom.
- Ugh. Yuck. I'll eat at the tattoo parlor. - Such a hard worker.
What are you gonna eat there, Red Bull and vodka?
Maybe, biatch.
Are you gonna be bringing home the older gentleman
you're in a casual relationship with?
And don't forget to pick up your kid at day care.
Here he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, young man.
Oh.
Chalupa Batman, is that a joint?
What did I tell you? Do not steal from your father's stash.
Mm-mmm. - Use your vape instead.
Attaboy.
Look at this family we've got, huh?
- Let's do it in front of the kid. - Okay.
I wanna see what happens if I don't tell Andre.
So just give me the remote.
But, seriously...
- Do I know you? - You know.
- Do you know me? - Yeah.
You know you're not getting it.
You know I'm not gonna leave you alone.
So you are gonna get nudge, nudge...
Nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge!
Nudge, nudge, nudge! Yeah.
- Should've seen that coming. - You really should have seen it.
- I really should've. - You should've really seen that coming.
There are so many people Marshawn has asked me to thank.
The man is a warrior, a philanthropist, a gentleman.
He is and will forever be Beast Mode.
And that's why Marshawn Lynch is completely deserving
of inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
No, man.
You got it all wrong, man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Marshawn does not wanna be included in the Hall of Fame.
- You can all go home. Sorry about that. - No, no, no, no.
Wrong sport.
Oh. Oh, is it basketball?
- What? - Hockey?
Lacrosse? Please tell me it's lacrosse.
- Hey, come on. - Yeah, I'll just go.
All right.
Who cares about that platypus? Do I win The Shiva?
Maybe.
Mmm.
You know, it is so flattering,
but you do not have to blast my name every time you climax.
I actually legally do.
No, you don't.
Well, I'm happy you're happy, because now you're stuck with me, Rodney.
Everybody calls me Somakandarkram.
I can't believe you took my name.
And legally changed my first name to Ruxin.
Okay, well, good to know what happens theoretically in the future.
- But what happens this year? Do I win the league? - That's up to you.
So...
Okay, I'll make a decision here.
Just... What do you think? Do I play LeSean McCoy?
- Does he end up having a good week? - Do the right thing.
I would if I knew I had a rock-solid lineup.
Stop tinkering and choose.
Okay, fine. But you know where I like to do my final tinkers.
Yes, I know where you like to do your final tinkers.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
- Mm. - Mmm.
All right, I don't think I need to be here for this. I will, uh, let myself out.
- Wow. I mean... - What a pleasure!
We have to get together!
Aw! Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah. - Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Is there a problem? - Nope. No problem.
I just kind of forgot, uh...
I hate myself.
Oh! Oh, you got to be kidding me, man.
Oh, no, no!
Getting older sucks.
And he just ate them.
- Even after I told him they were testicles. - You incentivized him.
It's a bummer. It's kind of a missed opportunity.
They would've been so great in The Sacko.
Well, it's not all bad news.
I know we had some problems last week with the scoring system.
- Operator error. - But this week I've come up with a spreadsheet
that will help streamline all the information
and make it much easier to compute.
Kevin, you got a unique bird's-eye view on this situation.
- Who's looking good here? - I hate to say it.
- But, Andre, your matchups are unbelievable. - Yes!
I mean, you've got Charcandrick West versus the Browns "D."
I can't believe that.
I draft Knile Davis so that I can injury-vulture Jamaal Charles.
He does get injured, and then the Chiefs put in Charcandrick West?
I mean, did they just make that person up just to screw me?
You've got Brandin Cooks versus the Jaguars "D."
Ooh. Cooking up that win.
You've also got Antonio Gates.
Uh-uh. He who must not be named.
You know, gentlemen, it's not who you draft.
It's who you play at the end of the season.
Now I will continue this party in the men's room.
- God, I can't believe he may have a Dre-peat. -
Excuse me, guys.
The gentleman at the end of the bar
said to put his drinks on your tab.
What? Oh, my God. Taco, the only thing vanishing is my patience.
And your bank account.
Ooh, where did he go?
Yeah. I can still see you.
Oh, my gosh. It's so fun peeing with you.
- There's something I wanna talk to you about. - Ooh. Hold that thought.
- Let's play the Airblade game. - What is the Airblade game?
It's like Operation for adults.
We put our hands in. We can't touch the sides or you lose.
- And you get chlamydia. - Those are the stakes of the game.
Look, Andre,
I just want you to know...
Wait a... Wait a second.
You like my outfit?
Yeah. You look like the bass player in that band that I hate.
I look like Stu Cole from the Squirrel Nut Zippers?
Ha ha! Nice!
Whoa.
- Pete Eckhart. - Hey.
Hi. I'm James. I'm with Draft Kings.
- Welcome to fantasy football world championships. - Thanks.
Tournament's no different than what you've been doing all season.
There's only 10 players. Highest score wins it all.
That's crazy. My league is actually doing the same thing this week.
Your other league allows you to win a million dollars?
No, we compete for a trophy.
- It's named after this girl we went to high school with. - Great story.
Nicky, get him a ticket to paradise. Show him to his table.
- Good luck, Peter. - Okay, yeah.
See you out there.
This...
I'm in my high school league championships at the same time,
so I'm pulling double duty.
You should definitely work on that.
- I'll focus on winning a million dollars. - Dick.
He's actually right. What the hell am I doing?
All right, set that lineup. Adrian Peterson. My Eskimo brother.
- It's A.D. - Are you trying to look at my lineup?
No, I was just talking about football.
Why would I wanna talk about football with you?
- I'm actively trying to beat you. - I also want you to lose.
This is really fun.
I cannot believe that we are ending the season like we began it...
in shitty costumes.
Relax and behold the Maha Shivaratri.
The great night of Shiva.
- Wait. Is this, like, a real religious ceremony? - Yeah.
Om Namah Shivaya. Praise Shiva.
Praise Shiva.
- We do not belong here. - We absolutely belong here.
Yeah, we've got The Shiva, The Sacko.
And don't forget the Snip.
I got to hand it to you, Commish. How'd you swing this place?
Oh, I told them that the trophies were a special offering.
And I did bring a way for us to watch the late games on the iPad.
Ooh, all praise Wi-Fi.
While we're on the subject of praising,
let's do this right, shall we?
- For you. - What are you doing?
There are no false idols.
Oh, oh, guys, guys. Quiet. It's starting.
That's cool. How are the Bears doing?
Oh. I'm sorry. What is that statue on the table over there?
Ah. That's the Shiva lingam, the genital organ of Shiva,
worshipped in the form of a phallus.
Wait. Shiva's a man? No.
- Kevin! - I thought she was a girl.
You never once thought to Wikipedia Shiva, the god that we worship?
- No. - I just assumed that because our Shiva was a girl
that the real Shiva was too.
- Right? She wears a dress. - The sherwani is a long coat.
I thought sherwani was a Greek yogurt.
Put your hands up! Put your hands up! Ooh!
Whoo! Whoo!
- Taco! - What's going on, guys?
I have reappeared! Smoke.
I couldn't stay away, even if means going to jail.
How's it going? You come to this temple often?
- Taco, get over here. - I'll talk to you later.
- Hey, guys. - What are you doing?
Wow. Look at all these people worshipping The Shiva.
Fantasy football's really taken off over the past few years.
Yes! Matt Forte. TD. That was a value pick too.
Suck it, shit-sippers!
Excuse me. That's inappropriate language.
Well, it's smack talk. This is fantasy. Come on.
Why would you think that I sip shit?
Oh, you know what? Forget it. You...
Aaron Rodgers! TD! Come on!
Stop. Don't look at me.
I wanna foot-punch your face.
I don't care. I'm winning.
Ooh, Rudolfo, give me a spritz of that.
You know what? Give me a little kiss on this cheek too.
Looks like The Sacko is concluding first.
And tied with the lowest score, we have Pete and Taco.
- Who's The Sacko? - Pete's got no one left, and you have Justin Tucker.
- Baltimore is about to kick, you guys. - Yeah.
- Justin Tucker's a kicker? - Yep.
- Yes! - I had Justin Tucker once.
You've had every kicker once.
Guys, I won! "Pete Eckhart." I won a million dollars!
Yeah, you're also about to get The Sacko, so...
Justin Tucker gets ready for the kick.
Kick is up. And... Ooh, no good.
Yes!
- We've got a flag. - No. Flag.
Offside, Pittsburgh. Five-yard penalty.
Offsides on Pittsburgh.
Offside... That is a shitty call.
I don't know. The ref said.
- Yeah. Refs. - Okay. All right.
Here's the re-kick. It's up.
- And it's good. Another three points. - And it's good.
Oh, son of a... Sacko!
No, no, no. I saw him miss it. I lost fair and square.
He didn't have to redo it for me.
Pete, you lost because of a bad call from the ref.
- Karma's a real bitch. - Should I remind you guys
that I just won a million dollars?
Should I remind you you are Sacko?
- Sacko! - Sacko!
- Oh, Sacko! - Sack-o!
- Sacko! - Sacko del Toro!
I am rich enough that this really shouldn't bother me,
but this really bothers me.
Money can't buy you not-Sacko-ness.
- What about The Shiva? - You will find out soon enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, please come and seek the blessings of Lord Shiva.
Now's the time.
Yep. This way. Come on. Here we go.
This...
Om Namah Shivaya.
Shivakamini Somakandarkram!
- Whoo! - Excuse me. What...
With you in one second. Now, first up, the Fertility Bowl.
With a score of 87 to 76,
I am happy to announce I am keeping my parts the way they are!
- What? No. No! - Yes!
Let me see that.
- Sorry about your balls, Jenny. - Shut up, Pete!
But if you're gonna open up the hood, I could just...
No! Shut up about my parts!
Jenny, here's the Snip. You are the winner.
No, I'm not taking that! This whole thing is stupid! I'm not doing it!
- Jenny! Oh, Jenny, come on. - No. No, no, no, no.
- Shiva. - Shiva, Shiva, Shiva.
I wasn't gonna make her do it.
I just wanted to lord my victory over her.
Hurry up. Hurry up. Everyone waiting here.
Chill out. Your league'll be next.
- Now to the main event... The Shiva Bowl. - Finally.
And the winner is...
a tie between Ruxin and the Coin... 84 to 84.
- That means I won. - No, we have to go to the tiebreakers.
The tiebreakers are all even as well.
Points, record, head-to-head.
I won. What are you gonna do? How are we gonna solve this?
- I say flip the Coin. - Flip the Coin?
The Coin is obviously gonna choose himself.
- What do you mean, "choose himself"? - It's Coin collusion.
- It is not Coin collusion. - This is a classic case of Coin collusion.
How do we break the tie? You can't have a race. You can't...
Just flip it.
- You heard the man. - All right, we'll flip the Coin.
- You can call it in the air, okay? - Oh, thanks so much.
Okay. Here we go.
Heads. No. Tails.
Oh! Motherfuck!
Fuck future Ruxin! He fucked me!
If I ever see him again, I'm gonna chop off both of his butt cheeks,
use 'em as buns, then chop off his meaty clackers,
stick 'em together in a big meatball sub and then make him eat it!
Okay, I'm gonna go see how Jenny's doing, so...
You had to tinker on the Coin flip.
Is this what it comes down to?
A coin is our Shiva Bowl champion?
Shiva, is this what you want?
- Are we all so unworthy? - Yes.
Now, get the hell off my stage!
- Well, I'll just keep this for safekeeping. - Ooh! Change.
- Just total bullshit! - Get your trophy.
Oh. Oh, get my trophy, Ruxin? I will get my trophy.
I will get my trophy, and then I will throw it directly into the trash!
- Guys, I couldn't find Jenny... - Oh!
- Ooh! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
- Oh, no! - Oh, God, is it bad?
- No. - No.
Yeah. It's awful.
Oh, what a tragedy. I can't believe I lost to the Coin.
What the fuck is going on?
Just normal fantasy football stuff.
What's going on? What happened?
Just relax, Kevin. You've lost a lot of blood, but you're gonna be fine.
- Smells like bacon. - That is not bacon.
We're cauterizing the smaller vessels.
Hey, handsome, you're awake.
What happened?
Kevin, you've suffered extensive trauma from a sharp object.
- What? - We couldn't save your testicles.
- Oh. - Oh, God.
Kevin, you got straight-up snipped by the Snip.
- So I'm gonna lose my balls? - They are gone.
- Did you keep them? - Well, I can ask.
Please. I want them to go in The Sacko.
I will go look in the Dumpster right now, if that's where they are...
So Pete wins The Sacko, which means he gets Andre's beach house,
and he now has the money to fix it up, and he gets Kevin's balls?
How is this a Sacko punishment?
Well, as The Sacko commissioner, um...
It is decided?
I'm sorry. Kevin just lost both of his testicles,
and all you care about is your league?
Hmm.
It was what I was thinking about too.
At least you guys are consistent. Ever since I've known you,
you have never stopped being stupid.
Kevin, I've given this a lot of thought,
and I'm willing to donate one of my testicles to you.
- I don't want it. - It'll be the one I use less.
Like the lazy-eye testicle, the one that wanders.
- Feel this guy. - No. God almighty, Taco.
- That guy. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, God. - It's gonna be yours. It's gonna be in you.
I just want you to know that I'll do the procedure.
- Let me see the canvas I'm working with here. -
Looks like someone sucked the pork out of a dumpling.
Well, guess that's the end of the season.
- All the winners and losers are accounted for. - Except for one, Pete.
May I remind you of a bet you and I had
about who would be happier at the end of the season.
- Right. Yes. - And I know that you won the house and all that money.
But I am gonna be the father of a beautiful baby boy.
I won, and it's not even close.
Well, Andre, I cannot compete with that.
As a consolation prize, I'll quit my job,
I'll never work again, and I will buy a first-class plane ticket
and fly off into the California sunset.
- Woe is me. - Arrivederci.
You know what Pete used to say about fantasy football?
"There are many things a man can do with his time,
but this... is better than those things."
Mmm! Did you feel that?
Oh, my God, it kicked.
- We need to Vine this. Let's go. Oh, my God. - Okay.
It's so exciting when he kicks.
- They seem happy. - We're not gonna tell Andre, right?
Wait. You knew?
This unmentionable stays unmentioned.
- At least until the kid's 18th birthday. - Mm.
- Do you wanna get a coffee, talk about it? - Let's go.
God. Ugh. It sucked.
- First Sacko punishment accomplished. - Too rich for this, man.
- Honey, I need a bottle. - I don't know where the bottle is.
- Where is it? - I'm gonna find it.
Sorry. I've been using it for my vodka tonics.
Hey, do you guys have an extra diaper?
That's for babies, not for big boys.
Can I just suggest that we draft here every year, please?
That's why I'm building the guest house.
Are you gonna build a cheese cave?
- If so, Russell will never leave. - No, no. I'm off of cheese.
- Really? Congrats, man. - Thanks.
Yeah, I feel better than I've felt in years.
- Awesome. What are you into now? - Mostly sand.
Russell, get off my towel.
I think he's getting off on your towel.
No, I cut a hole in it. It's okay.
- I'm going deep. Ah, that's a bottle cap. - Guys.
To commemorate our draft, let's take a picture.
All right, here we go.
Whoo!
Glad you're enjoying the house.
- Ted! - Duh.
Try not to blow it up this time.
- What are you doing? - It's a real stupid face, Kevin.
- We got it, right? - I don't know.
- Let me check. - We got it. It's fine.
- Wanna do one more? - No. We're good.
All right, let's get this draft started.
Well, how we gonna know who's picking who? - You okay?
Sofia always hated draft day.
You still really miss her?
- She was so beautiful. - Yeah.
- Inside and out. - Yeah.
More so out, but...
God. You could eat a meal off that ass.
Everybody loved those titties, but the ass...
the ass was really the MVP.
Ay, Rodney.
- Let's do the draft. - All right, let's get this draft started.
Let's play "Who shits the bed first?"
Andre in the first round or the baby?
- Hey, Sofia. - Hey, Ted.
- They look like they're having fun. - Yeah.
What say you and I take a long boozy lunch.
- As long as you're not planning on eating it off my ass. - I wouldn't dream of it.
I don't know.
How would Rodney feel if he found out we were hanging out?
I think he would say, "Sofia Ruxin, forever unclean."
Okay. But I want a Terrific Lady Eternity.
No problem.
Well, actually, tell him. Tell him.
Wow. Uh... Ruxin, I have something to tell you.
I got something to tell you, buddy.
One of your balls is missing from The Sacko.
- What? - What?
Should be around here somewhere. I was just playing with 'em.
- Why would you play around with my balls? - Um, they're balls.
- That's what you do with 'em. - Deuce, get that out of your mouth!
Deuce, drop it! Oh!
Get the sanitizer! Oh, no!
Deuce, forever unclean!
He's fine. I had it in my mouth too.
- What? - I said I was playing with 'em.
Hey, Taco's not back yet. Where did he go?
He said he was going for a drive.
- Buenas. - Bonjour.
You need something notarized?
- Reason for visit? - I'm gonna get really high
and take pictures of cactuses that look like penises.
- You got drugs on you? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But it's Mexican weed, so I'm just bringing it home.
- Passport? - Oh, he doesn't have a passport.
- It's that gonna be a problem? - Your passport, imbécil.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
There you go.
- This your name? - Yep.
- This your full name? - That is my full legal name.
- Okay. - All right.
- Thank you. - Pasa.
Hmm. Nice guy.
- Happy 18th birthday, Son. - Thank you.
I have spared no expense making you into a great man.
Enrolling you in the best magic camps
and teaching you the fine art of haberdashery.
But this is the one I'm most excited about. Your own fantasy team.
- Really, Father? - Welcome to the league!
Welcome to the league!
Huh? Your first message board message.
Hello, Andre.
You are watching this video 18 years in the future.
Andre, what's the future like?
- What are the douchiest douche bags wearing now? - I don't know.
We're shooting this video on the day your son, Andre II, was born.
- The Deuce! - Named after your turd of a father.
- He's not a turd. - It's actually a more fashionable way to say "Junior."
Speaking of which, we have something we'd like to tell you.
Pete's my father?
Let's grab a beer sometime.
- Welcome to the league, buddy. - Suck it!
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah!
That's all, shit-sippers!
Whoo!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Subtitled by Captions, Inc.