- So, um... - How have you been?
- Yeah. - We are just curious how you're doing.
I'm fine.
Look, I know that you say you're fine, but you're not fine.
I'm fine.
- You're not fine. - You're making me not fine.
- Andre, he said he's fine. - Andre, he's fine.
- I'm high. - Thank you.
- I'm also fine. - Ruxin, I'm glad that you're fine
because it's coming down to the final weeks of the football season,
and we're all sort of in contention for the play-offs,
so we could, you know, start...
getting things... back to normal.
I don't think I'm following.
- The last two weeks have been not normal weeks... - Mm-hmm.
In that we've been sort of giving you that, you know, free spin.
- Um... - Yeah, we just kind of let you play
with the house's money the last couple weeks.
You know, you could phone a friend.
- "Get out of jail free" cards. - Free card, yeah.
Were you guys playing games of Monopoly without me, or...
We want you to stop crying about your dead wife and set a lineup.
Oh, boy.
But I still get the win regardless?
No.
No win, it's just back to normal
where if you lose, you lose, you win, you win.
- Yeah, what he said. - Yeah.
Fine.
- Fine. He's... It's fine. - Great.
- We have a fine. - He's not fine.
- Andre, he said he's fine. - He's fine.
You know what? I'm gonna get out of here.
Take it easy, buddy. Glad you're fine.
In other news, I got those tickets for The Force Awakens...
What did... Did you guys say something?
- What? - Huh?
Like... team, lineup, wins or something?
I didn't say anything. Did you say anything?
- I don't think so. - No.
Fine.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
- Sofia? - Almost.
Oh, God!
What the hell are you doing here?
I want you to think of me as your death Sherpa,
here to guide you through Rafi's 13 stages of grief.
I'm fine. Thank you though.
If you're fine,
then do these bath salts with me and go on a vision quest.
- No! - Okay.
Then do these bath salts with me
and watch the movie Vision Quest.
No!
You're not fine. You're still suffering.
Sofia's still in you.
- In here, in here and in here. - Ah!
I made a deal with Sofia that if anything were to happen to her,
and I wasn't the cause of it,
that I would take care of you for the rest of my life.
That's what I'm going to do. I'm here to cook. I'm gonna clean.
Look, I'm already gonna go clean out the pee corner.
- With a plunger? - I had a pretty chunky pee earlier.
- Excuse me? - A thick piss.
- What? - I had heavy brown water come out of my butt.
You had diarrhea in my kitchen.
That's a crass way to put it.
Listen, we're gonna get through this together.
Oh, God, you used the plunger already.
Yeah, I clogged the toilets up earlier.
- With shit? - No, with the pasta. I was cooking.
Enough chitchat. Let's eat.
I'm just, you know, worried about Ruxin.
I know. It's tough. He just wants to be alone.
It's like he doesn't even want to use that rezzy for Rajasthan either.
Are you worried about Ruxin or Ruxin's reservation?
Both. Our good friend just lost his wife.
And now we might lose this rezzy too.
Don't say "rezzy" anymore. It's gross.
I get that Ruxin doesn't want to go.
But does that mean that we all have to cancel the rezzy?
We don't have to cancel anything because we don't have a reservation.
- Ruxin has a reservation. - But we're friends of the rezzy.
There's no such thing as friends of the reservation.
Jenny?
What's that? What's going on?
- Oh, my God! - What happened? What's going on?
- No! - What's wrong?
He's gone!
- Who? Who's gone? - Gronk!
- Oh, my God. He died? - Oh, God, no. He's out!
He's out for weeks with an injury!
- Oh, no! - They said he was questionable.
But he's always questionable. I thought he was gonna bounce back.
- Maybe he'll be around for the play-offs. - Not the fantasy play-offs!
- That's just so unfair. - I know. I know.
I'm so sorry, baby. Come here.
I'm gonna miss him so much.
- I'm gonna miss him. - I know. I'm gonna miss him too.
Who is his back-up?
The play-offs start next week.
It looks like miraculously we are all still in contention.
It's-It's so hard to think about going through this.
You know? Without him.
Without the Gronk, right?
- Here you go. - Oh, thank you.
You should just be strong like you're being,
- with all you're going through right now. - Thank you.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
- I've been dabbling in DraftKings... - Uh-uh! Nah!
Unless it's about this league, no one cares.
I did so well, I've been invited to a huge year-end tournament.
Do you realize what you're doing?
- It's like bragging about your mistress to your wife. - It's gross.
You don't understand. Only 200 people have been invited.
- Do you guys hear anything? - Nope. Just a sad, lonely buzzing sound.
Be jealous. See where that gets you.
- How's my team doing on DraftKings? - You won, Taco. Congratulations.
Ooh. Can't wait to get that check.
Wait. Just got a message.
- From the site? - What does that say?
"Your league has been suspended due to inappropriate content."
What?
- What? Hold on. - What?
It's a fantasy football message board.
All the content is inappropriate.
- Hey, did you guys get my video? - What video?
- I posted a video to your message board. - What was the video?
It's hilarious. It's me and Dirty Randy in Puerto Rico.
We went to this place where you can have sex with exotic birds.
It's called, like, a national park.
- That's why they knocked us off the site. - Watch it. It's hilarious.
You broke our fantasy football site!
It's the week before the play-offs, Rafi.
Puerto Rico has the sluttiest birds.
I saw it. The birds did seem very into it.
I can't get into the manager site?
There goes our entire fantasy football season.
You gotta fix this, Kevin. You're the commissioner.
You know what? I have a solution.
Make me the champion, I lost my wife, and we'll just call it.
No!
All right. I will take care of this.
I'll-I'll deal with it, just like our fantasy forefathers before us.
- What do you do? Add it up? - Yeah. I'll just...
- I'll add it up, old-school. - We can't do that anymore.
Okay? Our brains are different.
We have cell phones and apps
and we don't read articles that have less than 15 pictures.
We all went to school. We know how to add.
- It's simple arithmetic. I'll take care of it. - I haven't added since 1995.
Wait a second. Brian, did you grow up with four fathers?
- Hello. - Hello.
Welcome to Rajasthan. How may I help you?
- Uh, I'm here for a reservation. - Oh, well, we're fully booked until, uh, March.
- Oh, no, an existing reservation. - Oh.
For this Tuesday, December 22, under the name "Ruxin,"
and I just need to transfer it to "Nowzick."
- "Mr. Raxin"? - Mr. Ruxin, yeah.
He's, uh, been very helpful to our restaurant group.
Is there a problem? He doesn't want to dine with us?
No, he would love to dine with you.
It's just...
His wife passed away.
And so, yeah.
I wanted to come in here and just switch the reservation,
because I'd hate for it to go to waste.
So, Mr. Raxin's wife passed away,
and you would like to take his reservation.
Say it like that, it sounds awful, but it's not awful,
because at the funeral Ruxin looked at me, and he said,
"I want you to continue dining at Michelin-star restaurants."
- At Mr. Raxin's wife's funeral... - Ruxin.
- Mr. Raxin told you... - Mm-hmm.
That you should continue dining at Michelin-star restaurants?
Pretty amazing guy, right? Oh. Hold on one second.
This is crazy. Oh!
This is, uh, from Mr. Ruxin.
His wife isn't dead.
That must have been an awkward funeral.
- Well, this is... - Mister, uh...
- Yeah. Nowzick. - "Nosechick."
I don't know if you are lying or telling the truth.
- Because it seems to be pouring out of you in equal measure. - All right.
- However, let me be clear. - Sure.
- If Mr. Raxin... - Ruxin.
Doesn't show up on December 22,
we will not be able to honor this reservation.
Great.
I will then see you on the 22nd with Mr. Ruxin
and maybe his wife.
How you doing?
I've had better weeks.
Look, I'm here to tell you that when one door closes, another door opens.
Just like Rajasthan, which opens on Tuesday, and we should go together.
How about this? We go, you talk to the maître d'.
You say, "Table for Rodney Ruxin," we all go in there,
and if you're uncomfortable at any moment, you just... you leave.
- I don't think so. - Are you gonna grief-tinker here?
- It's the only thing that keeps me sane. - Look at this!
- My God! - Look in the bag!
- What is it? - It's a dead possum in a bag.
Stage three of Rafi's grief therapy is facing death.
You can't move forward until you've looked death in the face
and swallowed its blood.
- You want me to drink that blood? - Yeah. It's not that bad.
- You've had some? - Well, yeah.
I wouldn't prescribe a treatment that I wouldn't myself do.
Possums are basically rodent pomegranates.
They're full of antioxidants.
- Right, Doctor? - I'm out.
Take care, Andre. Great to see you, man.
Ugh. Get the possum out of here.
Listen, Ruxin. Inside this bag...
Is a dead possum.
Or is Sofia, if Sofia was hit by my car.
What we need to figure out right now
is how you are gonna get over Sofia-slash-possum.
Let's get through this, because we've got so many more stages to go.
- What is stage four... rabies shot? - Stage four is shallow grave.
- Whose shallow grave? - Your own.
Russell wants DeAndre Hopkins on the bench,
Vincent Jackson in the lineup.
Okay, Ruxin.
"Drop Matt Prater, add Robbie Gould."
Fine, Ruxin. Drop Matt Prater...
- Hello. - Kevin, it's Andre. I put in a waiver order for John Brown.
- I didn't get him. - Because you didn't have waiver priority.
That's crazy. How do you know?
- I'm looking at it right here. - Sounds suspect.
- I'm gonna come over and see with my own two eyes. - Do not come over!
Oh, come on. Give me this.
"Do not drop Prater." God.
Russell, are you kidding me? DeAndre Hopkins back in?
Dan Carpenter?
At least your lineup is set.
Adam Vinatieri.
Happy, Ruxin? There's your kicker. The golden pony.
What?
Oh, just let yourself in.
I picked the lock. I didn't want to bother you.
- What do you want? - Well, since the league site's down,
the message board's off-line, so it's now powered by MyFace.
And I've got a delivery of smack-talk messages for you.
What? You're delivering messages like a pigeon now?
Can a pigeon ride a three-speed bike? In the snow?
- Right. - Exactly.
Well, Pete actually posted a poll.
It says, "Who thinks Kevin has the mental capacity
to run a league without a computer?"
- You answer right there. - I'm not answering this.
Well, so, I guess that's a "no."
I also have a smack-talk message from myself.
- Oh. - For you.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
"When we were young, we used to kiss on the lips."
Burn!
- How is this a burn? - Well, now everyone knows it.
Nobody knows it. You wrote it down, and then you handed it to me.
I know it. You know it.
No, I went to everyone else's houses. I CC'd everyone.
Do me a favor. Take this and leave.
Okay, but before I do that, Ruxin wanted me to post a rant.
It's long, but it's filled with really interesting tidbits.
For example, I did not know that you ate a ton of ass.
- No. - Huh.
Yeah, and since when are you a cum junkie?
What? There's no such thing as a cum junkie.
According to Ruxin, I'm talking to one right now.
- You can't get addicted to cum. - Says who?
Will you please leave my house, you idiot?
Ooh, that's good stuff. Save it for the message board.
Write it down.
Here. It's a two-parter.
That's not how the message board works.
- What are you doing here? - Come on! You can't scare me like that!
I'm sitting here trying to have my dark thoughts.
I can't sleep.
- I'm so sad. - I know.
Sofia's gone.
Right. And there's that too.
I can't believe I lost my Gronk.
Oh. I-I didn't realize.
It's terrible. It's too soon.
Same with Sofia. She was so young.
So supple and soft.
Sofia was great.
But Gronk...
Gronk was perfect.
But you know what?
You gotta move on.
- That's exactly what the guys say. - Yeah.
You know? Look forward. It's a new week. Pick a new guy.
- Pick a new guy. Why not? - I tried.
- I have Jason Witten. - Oh, great!
Jason Witten put me into early labor.
- He's good. - Oh, yeah.
- All right. - He's amazing.
- See? It sounds like you're... - But he's not Gronk.
- Well, so... - And I've tried to move on.
And I've read his book. I've read his book three times.
It's Good to Be Gronk.
He didn't even read it once.
- And I've done the Gronk erotica. - Wait.
A Gronking to Remember.
Are we talking about Gronk Janikowski from the Laundromat?
Mangled hand from a laundry accident.
Only one finger works. Looks like he's pointing at everything all the time.
- What are you talking about? - What are you... I'm talking about Gronk Janikowski.
- That's the guy you're dating, right? - Gronkowski.
Gronkowski Janikowski? That was his name?
Rob Gronkowski!
Mmm. Sounds like a pretend person.
But nonetheless, I'm sorry for your loss.
But if you've already got Jason Mittens...
You know what? I think I'm gonna go back to bed.
- I'm glad we had this talk. - Me too.
Ha! I'll just be right here, having my dark thoughts.
Extra, extra! Read all your shit talk.
Get your daily message board.
Daily message board delivery.
Oh. It's a big one.
Yeah, it's the Sunday edition.
So I'm guessing Ruxin still hasn't left his house.
Yeah, he's too busy faxing me every 30 seconds.
Come on, guys. It's game day.
Keep the message board chatter up.
I'm posting all the time, but no one reads them.
Yeah, your stupid posts went in the junk folder.
I gotta say, this is weird... watching the games without computers.
Yeah, there are way less screens to not care about.
Anybody got tabs on how Devonta Freeman is doing?
- You don't have Devonta. - I have him in my daily league.
- Uh-uh. No, no. No daily league talk here. - Here we go.
We are bombarded by their commercials, okay?
The last thing I need is you squawking about it.
It's old-school, Pete. Embrace it.
It brings us back to a simpler time.
A time before there were daily fantasy ads every 30 seconds or weekly payouts.
A time where we played fantasy football for the love of the game
that reduced the game that we love to points.
Amen.
Do you remember that, Pete?
Back then, it was just a celebration of narcissistic individual achievement.
To be able to make up a trophy that metaphorically said,
"I just fucked you in the ass."
And then to have that trophy literally fuck you in the ass.
"I'm inside me!"
- Yes. - That only happened, like, one time.
Pete, think about that.
Try to remember that feeling.
The feeling that you had when you didn't care anymore about the Bears,
because the 3-Petes had Aaron Rodgers,
the Lady MacArthurs were a team you wanted to destroy,
and you wanted to be inside the Pleasures of Andre's Sister.
Those were the teams that mattered.
Now it's just... it's all about the money.
Don't know if now is a bad time to mention,
I'm in the running for millions of dollars...
Oh, come on.
There you go. Devonta Freeman got his third touchdown of the day.
- What? Yeah! - How dare you? - No, no, no.
I was gonna say, it's very interesting, and I'm gonna get a beer.
So, who's winning this shit show?
No one yet, but I have to wait till the Monday games are over. Then I can do the math.
I have a message for your message board, Taco.
- Post this bad boy. - Oh.
"Bulls hit." Basketball-related. Hmm?
God, Ruxin's at it again.
I actually have been wanting to post something on the message board.
Ah, can't wait to read your message.
Thanks for coming over to watch the games here.
I didn't really have a choice, did I, Ruxin?
Considering you continued to inundate me with fax after fax after fax.
Okay, how are my boys doing? You having fun?
Ooh, you need some more chippies? Here we go.
- You're blocking the TV. - See what he's like to me when he's watching his games?
- I'm all but invisible. - What is going on here?
Sorry. This is stage nine of Rafi's grief therapy.
- "Everything back to normal." - Right.
Ruxin's used to having a wife around the house to do stuff,
so for now, that's gonna be me.
- This makes sense, and I'm happy for both of you. - How about a coaster there?
- Otherwise, there's gonna be a ring on the table. - So?
I bought the table. If there's a ring, there's a ring.
This is what it is. He's throwing the money in my face.
You don't appreciate everything I do.
I happen to have made you a delicious dinner last night, which he did not touch.
- He cooked it in the toilet. - I cooked it in the kitchen.
- The kitchen toilet. - No, I cooked it in the toilet kitchen.
You know what? I'm a little uncomfortable.
You guys should settle this on your own.
You stay there. I want you to see the way he treats me.
He won't look at me. Look at me!
Kevin, all you hearing is the nagging?
- Are you hearing the nagging that I get every day? - Oh, the nagging!
- That's all he says... the nagging, the nagging. - The nagging. Nag, nag.
You know what? TV off, okay?
- Turn the TV back on. - TV off right now.
- You are gonna look at me... - I am watching TV with my friend!
- I deserve your love! - You don't deserve shit!
Oh, wow! I deserve as much shit as anybody else.
See what I deal with on a day-to-day basis?
I swear to God, if it wasn't for baby Geoffrey, I would leave.
His name is Kevin!
His name is baby Geoffrey! He's our son!
- How do you not know that? - He's not your son.
- Fine. Here you go. You can watch your precious games. - Thank you.
You can talk to your precious friends. I'm done with you!
Stage nine is over!
Oh, my God.
Oh, and by the way, I'm pregnant.
I pooped on it this morning, and it's positive.
And it's yours!
Oh, God, why did I smell it?
Congratulations.
That's 10 for the defense, 14 for Calvin Johnson,
12 for Eric Decker and...
Bam! 1,217?
- How's it going there, Beautiful Mind? - Uh, pretty good.
So? Am I in the play-offs?
Ah, we'll see. We'll see. Oh, I'll see you later.
I have no idea.
- No, no, no, no. - Ruxin. Ruxin, listen to me.
- Just hear me out on this, okay? - No.
This is it. This is the final stage of Rafi's grief therapy.
- I don't want it. - The release.
- Oh, my God. - Okay?
Oh, my God. Rafi.
See, you weren't able to make love to Sofia
one last time before she died.
So for tonight, I will be Sofia.
- And you will make love to me. - Rafi.
No. I'm your beautiful wife, Sofia.
You have a beard and smell like a grease fire at a crab shack.
I'm Sofia.
I can't believe I'm about to do this.
- Sofia. - Yeah?
- I am not going to have sex with you. - Ooh, hard to get.
- No, I'm not playing hard to get. - I'll play this game, mister.
- Stop. - Beep, boop, beep.
Don't worry. Sofia told me everything you like.
I can do it all. Better.
Okay.
All right. Let's do this.
- Let's do this. - Oh, I'm ready for action.
- Maybe I'll set the mood. - Ooh, I love this.
- A little romance. - Yeah.
Now we're talking. Let me just take this...
Yeah.
- What is that? - It's a vanilla candle.
- No, no. - Yeah.
You know that vanilla candles make me nauseous. Ruxin, put that...
It's your favorite, Sofia.
No, it's me, bro, Rafi, for a minute.
I know that your brother Rafi...
- Has a gag reflex when he smells vanilla candles. - No, no, Ruxin.
Time out, Ruxin.
Sofia, stop dry-heaving for one second and listen to me.
I love you, and I'll never stop loving you,
but it's time to let you go.
I release you.
Aw...
Hey!
I'm proud of you, man. You did it.
Now let's celebrate with some man-on-man butt stuff.
No.
I'm gonna have dinner with my buddies.
- I'll change and join? - No.
I'm gonna leave you with this candle and your super weird body.
No.
Bye, Rafi.
- I got this. - Sure.
Hello. Reservation for Ruxin.
And, um, where is Mr. Raxin?
Oh, Mr. Ruxin is right here. Oh, Rodney.
Wha... Oh, my... Are you kidding me, Andre?
Here he is, right here. Mr. Rodney Ruxin.
Everybody calls me Ruspin.
- So, shall we go to Uno's? - Yeah, deep dish tonight.
No, guys, I put on a dress.
- You're Mr. Raxin? - Ruxin.
Yep. Pete has sex with Kevin all the time.
- Forever not clean. - Shut up.
Uh, Mr. Raxin, I'm afraid I'm going to have to see some identification.
Um...
Driver's license?
A valid driver's license?
Would an Illinois driver's license
or a black Amex be preferable?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, this is my good friend Taco. - Shh!
Shut up. No, this is Rodney Ruxin.
My law firm, Hudabega, Hudabega & Bethesda has done some work for your restaurant.
Mr. Raxin, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Sidarra, please seat these fine young people.
- Sweet. I'm starving. - Yes. Let's eat.
Did any of you know it was me?
- And Mr. Raxin's wife? - Oh. Turns out she is dead.
All right, Kevin, you got the scores. Who's going to the play-offs?
Guys, don't worry. I have all the fantasy news that is fit to print.
- All right. - If you'll raise your glass.
I am in the DraftKings world championships.
- No, no, no. Unmentionable. - Oh, boo. Come on.
- Please. - No one gives a shit.
Everyone should give a shit, and you should too.
- Really? - Remember the bet we made
about who would be happiest at the end of this season?
Well, I'm feeling happy because I'm in the running for a million dollars.
Pete, money doesn't buy you happiness.
- Take it from me. I'm a very rich man. - And excruciatingly unhappy.
I am a single man with endless possibilities.
I mean, who knows what's right around the corner for me?
All we care about is who is in the play-offs. It's Tuesday night, Kevin.
- Tell us the standings. - Ooh, yeah. What do we got?
- Come on. - Okay. Bam! Check it out.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
I got 67? Nice.
- What? - Babe, you lost to pocket change.
No. We have a tie. What does that mean for the play-offs?
I know. I haven't figured out all the tiebreaker scenarios.
You haven't figured out how the tiebreakers work?
Something to do with your record versus the other person's record.
- Points for and points against. - Come on, this is bullshit!
How do we know you're not making these numbers up?
- I worked very hard on these numbers. - That's not an answer, Kevin.
- I fell asleep at my desk. - Still not an answer.
Show your work.
You want to see how the sausage is made? Here it is. Have at it.
- Hey, I didn't play Robbie Gould as my kicker. - You did it one time.
Is this even my team? I'm honestly asking. I don't...
Wait, wait, wait. C. Johnson? I wanted Calvin Johnson.
- You put in Chris Johnson? - I'm sorry. I couldn't read your mind.
You know what's so interesting about this is that I'm gonna be a millionaire.
Wait, what is this?
- Chalupa helped me with some of the math. - Oh, boy.
He knows what he's doing, and I was in the weeds!
- This does not stand, okay? - No, this is bullshit. And my win stands.
Like all good commissioners, I knew that you would say this, so I came up with a plan B.
- Okay, what is it? - Tell 'em what the plan B is, babe.
All this bullshit goes out the window.
Whew!
We start completely fresh, okay?
Everyone is in the play-offs.
- Highest score wins The Shiva, lowest score gets The Sacko. -
Thunderdome style.
- I would prefer to beat all of you than just one of you. - Right?
This is bullshit. I lost fair and square.
I got shit to do next week.
Can we all agree, please? A one-week, all-in Shiva Bowl.
- Yes. - Great. Good.
Yeah, but we should seal the deal by paying our respects.
But we don't have The Dre.
We've got something much better.
Oh!
Oh, bless me, Shiva.
You're mine.
You're better than a million bucks.
Shivakamini, I'm gonna put my weenie in your pagini.
Visualize it.
Not close enough.
- Move, bozo. - Out of here.
- A little respect. - What? Hey.
Ruxin.
Ruxin, you're fogging up the glass.
- How was dinner, sir? - Absolutely fantastic.
- I actually would like to make a reservation... - No.
Hi, Andre.
Hey. Meegan. What are you doing here?
It's the biggest opening in Chicago. Wouldn't miss it.
How are you... How are you doing?
Pretty good.
Whoa. She got fat.
Wow.
Or pregnant, Taco.
Or both.
I really just won that bet.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Subtitled by Captions, Inc.