♪ [Applause] ♪
Hey, Shel, I feel like we haven't seen you for a few days.
Where have you been?
It's been a busy week, a week of giving out hugs.
I hugged my French friends because they needed it.
I hugged all my Muslim friends because they needed it too.
There's been a lot going on. I wish you could just
travel around the world giving hugs.
Oh, I will.
You think I'm afraid of ISIS?
Bitch, I'm from Detroit.
Hey, I got a lady coming by in a little bit
so I wanna look hot. Tell me do I look cool with this casual pose?
When would anybody ever stand like that?
Oh, I don't know, maybe when I'm doing a super cool photo shoot
that is sexy but also fending off my enemies.
Back off, enemies, back off.
Get your own photo shoot.
Listen, Danny,
you want to turn a woman on with a pose, you should pose like this.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm doing the laundry.
[Applause]
Ok.
You know, I know I'm acting right now a little bit...
what's the word we always use to describe Justin.
Puffy.
Ah, rotund!
Chunky.
No, no, no, not that.
- Neurotic. That's what it is. - I'm not neurotic.
Do you think I'm neurotic?
Is that something you talk about? Be honest with me.
And you know what, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Oh my god,
who am I kidding? I care.
Do you think either one of us will ever get a movie?
Not unless it's a really sad documentary about this show.
[Laughter]
Anyway,
the reason why I'm acting neurotic
is because the woman that's coming
is the one that I lost my virginity to.
Yep when I was a 17-year-old kid,
I was a waiter at this really cool upscale restaurant
and this really hot 31-year-old
business executive came in, named Jackie.
All right? And she came in for dinner.
I offered her some dessert. She asked for some hot coitus.
Now, after a really
confusing and awkward conversation with the head chef,
I became a man.
That reminds me of my first time.
That night was scary as hell.
Ah, why, because you were nervous?
No, because we did it at a clan rally.
[Laughter]
Hey, guys, can we not talk about this in front of Mo,
'cause he's still a virgin.
My leg would beg to differ.
Well, Jackie is the worst. She played games with Danny's heart
for years and crushed his self-esteeam. You know, I just don't want
her to get you under her spell again.
A spell? Really? Does she have a spell, Leslie?
Oh, does Jackie have a spell? What is she a witch?
Does she have a saying that she does? Like hocus pocus, what is it, abracadabra?
Tell me her spell!
In fact, this little show is going to sit here
and nobody's gonna say a word until you say abracadabra.
[Laughter]
Abracadabra.
You owe me $10. Listen,
I'm gonna destroy her. Ok?
When that little Jackie walks through
with her old bunched up body all squiggly and wrinkly like a troglodyte,
with a humpback, and she walks in, I'm gonna look at her one
one good eye and I'm gonna say,
oh hey, Jackie.
You look really pretty.
I know, right?
Go get me a glass of wine.
- Ok. - [Laughter]
[Applause]
You got something to say, marijuana breath?
I just think it's fun to watch you boss around a grown man like that.
[Laughter]
Look at him getting that wine.
You know what? I'm also gonna need a pastry from that shop down the street?
Yes, ma'am.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
_
I want to do that kiss where I bite your lip
and then pull it away a little bit like
mmm mmm.
I think you're actually... you cut my lip.
Uh-uh.
I can't believe two weeks have passed
since those two have started dating.
I know. It seems like only a minute ago
we were just meeting her and wearing completely different clothes.
Do me a favour?
Will you get my car washed before you pick me up at work today?
And don't forget to wear those jeans that show off your little girl ass.
Ow. [Laughter]
What are you guys laughing at, huh?
- Tell him, tell him. - What?
What are we laughing at? What could we possibly...
I mean, it's just,
when I think about it, two weeks ago, I'm
pretty sure he's like I'm gonna destroy her.
And now, oh god, how do I say this?
Guys, give me a jazz hand tunnel.
Danny, Danny, Danny.
You're her bitch!
[Applause]
Hey, you know what?
That is 100% false.
I don't know. My mother bred poodles for a living. So,
I know a blue ribbon bitch when I see one.
Yeah, we're not talking like the fun playful bitch like yeah, what's up, bitch.
Ok, yeah.
- Leave him alone, sorry. - Ok, thanks, Bursk.
He thanked me.
What a bitch.
How come you get all the lines and we don't even get to talk?
I barely understood that.
Hey, you know what, dude? Ok.
See what this all evolved to.
You shouldn't even be commenting on this.
Candace fights all your battles for you.
- You know what? - Stop that. That's not true.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Hey. Shh, shh, shh.
Are you talking about my man?
Because if you step to him you best believe you step to me:
Hey, do you want to dance? I said, do y...
No, no, no. We talked about this.
Look, am I doing things for Jackie?
Of course I'm doing things for Jackie.
But, you have to understand what I get out of it.
I mean, she's got me on sexual lockdown.
Seriously, when my penis gets inducted into the penis hall of fame.
None of you guys are getting invited to the ceremony.
And it's gonna give an amazing speech.
Today, today, today, is the luckiest day, day, day,
in my whole life, life, life.
I'm the luckiest penis, penis, penis, in the world, world, world.
Yeah, I'm a big fan.
Look, I know you guys think it's funny to see
Danny wrapped around Jackie's finger, but,
when he was a kid, she didn't just
hurt him. She damaged him.
He changed as a person.
Guys, we're talking about grown-up Danny here.
No one can change him.
[Laughter]
What, do I got three heads? What are you looking at?
All right.
In the words of Janice my second favourite character
from the hit show "Friends."
Oh my God!
But Jackie made you do this, didn't she?
No. No, no, that's not true.
I actually did it all of my own volition.
I think it looks
awesome.
I think it looks like you race air balloons for fun.
Jacky is trying change you
back into that kid she could control.
This is what he used to look like back then.
Look at this picture of him from high school.
Oh my God.
The khakis, neatly tucked in shirt, the bad hair.
We would have been best friends.
All right, whatever. Ok.
Funny. But I couldn't even end it with Jackie even if I wanted to.
She's like some sort of sexual wizard. Seriously she's like Dumbledore
except she's like a 50-year-old hot chick and has a rock
hard body because she does Pilates and shaves herself all over.
I don't think I read that Harry Potter book.
[Laughter] Look, Danny, it's simple. Just stop sleeping with her.
Stop sleeping with her? I'm sorry, did you just turn into Sofia Vergara?
Because what is coming out of your mouth right now is making
no sense to me.
Not have sex... hey, don't have sex with a girl.
Hey, don't have sex with a girl. Dude, how would I do that?
Bursk, how do you do it?
Generally I just speak to them, and that kind of thing happens on its own, you know?
Well, to be fair, it's easier to make an excuse to not have sex when you're a girl.
Oh, I'm tired or I'm hungry or I got in a
fight with my mom or hey, "dateline," is on.
I had a hard day at work. It's always about sex.
You want to talk to me about my day and my
personal favorite: "It ain't happening tonight, you take care of you."
Hey, dummy.
Hey, guys. Don't worry about it. I got this.
So, let's get outta here, because I want to take a bubble bath and see how long you can
- hold your breath underwater. - Oh my God!
You all right?
I'm ok. I'm much better... now.
- Yeah, yeah, now I'm better. - Let's hit the road.
No, no. No! No, Jackie!
Also "dateline" is on.
- Go get in the car. - Ok.
Hey, guys, sorry but I couldn't really do what I
was supposed to do because she... You know why? Because she touched it.
Hey, Jackie, before you go, there's something
that might not be my place to say,
but I don't think you're right for Danny right now.
What did you just say to me?
Uh-oh. I think he made it mad.
- Look, I'm gonna, Ok. What I'm trying to. - I can't hear you.
- I'm nervous. What I'm trying to say. - Yeah, yeah?
I don't want to get involved, but when it comes to my boy.
Oh!
He's not your boy anymore. He's my boy now. So you and both your chins,
better step off.
Hey, nobody talks about my man like that.
Hey! Whoo! Not now, Popstar. This isn't a Disney show.
Brett, could you take this to table three, please?
Does anyone else need their face squished?
No? Good. This little scene is over.
I'm usually the person who says the last thing at the end...
Your hand smells really nice.
You know, I don't know if I want to get my hair cut.
Too bad. You look too much like me from behind.
I'm gonna go Google how to cut hair.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
- What are you guys doing here? - We're here to rescue you.
Jackie is so mean. She squished our faces when you were in the car.
You don't think I know that? What do you think
she was bragging about all the way here?
Are you going to tell her not to squish our faces?
No! Of course not! I don't want to get mine squished!
- Just shut up. - Don't tell us to shut up.
- We're here to help you. - Shut up, shut up.
Danny?
Oh, forget it. Forget it.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey. All right. Whatever you guys gotta say,
- just say it, but be quiet about it. - Danny, forget Jackie.
You shouldn't be with somebody who will hurt you.
Oh my gosh! Hurt me? Hurt me?!
Do you subscribe to "Liars Weekly"? Nobody hurts me.
I'm unhurtable. Ok? Seriously you know the song by
R.E.M., "Everybody Hurts"? Once I went to their
concert and the band took me backstage and
apologized naming the song "Everybody Hurts."
They were like "hey, man, look I
know that, you know, when we first wrote this, I thought literally everybody hurted.
Now looking at you in the audience, we changed our minds.
Would you pull yourself together? You're drooling all over yourself!
Stop it! Look, Danny, just... knock it off.
All right? We all know for a fact that never happened.
That would never happen. On top of that, come
with us. You've got to get outta here now.
No, I'm not moving. I'm putting my butt right on
- this couch, and I'm not movin'. - Why do you sound like Al Pacino?
It's the only thing I know how to do.
That's it, guys. Let's go.
Come on. Are you serious?
Seriously? Danny! Danny.
- Oh, never mind. - Who's gonna open the door, idiot?
I'm gonna be sick.
Listen, I don't know who that was. Who cares.
You're never going to be free of Jackie unless you admit she hurt you.
You've got to tell her.
I don't think I'm strong enough to do it by myself.
Fine, guys, couch moment.
Look, you don't have to do it by yourself.
Yeah, you have us.
Yeah, man. Like you remember that time, and
I know you're scared of Jackie. You remember
that time we went and saw "Guardians of the Galaxy together?
That movie with that little raccoon that looks just like just Justin?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
My chin is not that big. ***
What he's trying to say is that the guardians by themselves were
weak but together they could defeat any bad guy.
I don't know man, she's so vicious. She zeros in on your biggest insecurity.
Wow!
From behind, three of you have bald spots.
Come on, dummy, let's go.
Ok. Hold on there, Missy. He's not going anywhere.
Oh, pipe down, guy who is worried his girlfriend
will finally realise that she's too good for him.
One step closer to the edge.
All right, look, you leathery alligator. If you're going to
mess with my brother, you're going to have to go through me.
Oh, please, with that haircut, you're like one Adidas
track suit away from Jane Lynch.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, when the Drew Carey show was on, I was 5.
She's never gonna love you, buddy.
You got laid more when you were straight!
And you, the dog on Frasier was better.
- Anyone else? - Oh, I believe I'll pass.
Look, Jackie, do you know what? You don't get to talk to my friends that way.
I get it. When I was 17, I was a kid. You turned me into a crazy
egotistical maniac. But do you know what? You also did some bad things to me too.
Ok? I mean, because of you, I don't trust women anymore.
You really hurt me. But thanks to all of these
friends, especially this little tiny raccoon friend,
they're all helping me to be a better person.
So you know what, goodbye, Jackie.
- And don't come back. - Oh, no. What will I do?
You're my everything. See you around, dummy.
You did it. You finally defeated your arch-enemy.
Do you know what they did to end the
"Guardians of the Galaxy" when they did that? Defeated the bad guy?
They did a slow motion hero walk.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --