Taco Corp has taken a bit of a hit
with the whole drone situation.
However, EBDB Prime is still in full swing, guys.
Deliver anything you want, any time of day or night.
Can you deliver me a new team? I lost to Jenny last week, and it's driving me bananas.
I mean, Golden Tate gets 98 yards.
If he falls forward, he gets a hundred yards and I win.
If I saw that dude, I'd punch him.
You'd Percy Harvin Golden Tate?
Yeah. I wouldn't even pretend to get migraines either.
I lost last week. You don't see me bitching about it.
You lost to the Coin.
- You lost to a random flip of a metallic object. - I lost to the coin too.
Swallowed a penny last week. I couldn't poop for days.
When your bench outscores your starters two weeks in a row,
it's time to make some changes.
From now on, all my fantasy decisions
will be made by the flip of a coin.
- What? - What do you mean, all your decisions?
- Yes. Try me. - All right.
- Pete, I'd like to propose a trade. - Talk to the coin.
You trade me Marcus Mariota,
and I will give you my kicker, Justin Tucker.
- No. - Pete, that's... No.
- No, no, no, no. - Come on. He's tricking you.
You can't do that. No way.
Coin says yes. Trade approved.
What? For real? You're gonna do that trade?
Coin speaks, I listen.
I just Justin Tuckered you, man.
- We'll see what happens. - Loving that trade.
And I'm loving my matchup against Kevin in Cook County court this week.
Wait. You're going up against Ruxin?
This guy is representing an asshole.
Mr. Rivers is a complicated man.
He's a slumlord whose apartment building has asbestos in it,
and this man refuses to remove it.
I would argue that your clients have been smuggling asbestos out in their lungs,
and I might countersue for theft.
Kevin's totally right. All building owners are total assholes.
- What's going on with you? - My garage is under construction.
- So? - So?
So there's no parking in my area.
I have to park half a mile away.
- So what? - Who cares?
The entrance to the lot is all uneven,
and my undercarriage is getting ripped up on a nightly basis.
- What? - I'm back in.
My undercarriage is taking a beating every single night.
I can't take it anymore.
- How's your tailpipe? - My tailpipe is just getting hammered too.
It's like pow, pow-pow, pow-pow.
Sounds like your whole rear end is getting a ton of action.
But not the type of action you want.
My undercarriage is getting abused.
- 'Cause you don't like the rough stuff. - I want a nice, smooth entry.
There is the whole concept of using protection.
There are these rubber tubes you can put over your tailpipe
that kind of protect it from anything untoward getting in there.
I don't want to put a rubber on my tailpipe.
- I like my car to be able to feel the road. - Yeah.
Andre's undercarriage is getting damaged
'cause of all the sex he's having in his butt.
Yeah.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Ridiculous. Sucks.
Come on!
What?
Can I park here or not?
Oh.
Oh. Aah!
No! No, no! No!
Excuse me, sir. Are you in need of help?
- I can't find a space. - We have space for you.
Really?
We have a parking lot right across the street.
Find yourself a parking space and come on in.
Thank you so much for this. You sure it's okay to park in your parking space?
For tonight, it's okay. Usually it's reserved for members of the congregation.
Uh, I'd like to join your congregation.
Well, let me get you a parking pass.
Hallelujah!
God bless this parking lot!
You know, babe, I know it is not Wednesday,
but what if it was Missionary Monday?
Oh.
My love, you look so beautiful in this
big shirt.
- Are you kidding me? - What?
- Who does this? - Come on. You guys have never done sleep sex before?
- No! - Come on.
- No one does that. - I'm married, right?
You never tried to sneak in the side door?
- Of course I've done the spoon slip. - Thank you.
But she's conscious to say, "No, Ruxin. Go downstairs and watch your tape."
- Oh. - This is, like, Cosby-esque.
It is not Cosby-esque, thank you.
Least he has the dignity to serve them a drink.
I've heard of "you snooze, you lose," but with you, they really lose.
- I don't see a problem with it. - Thank you.
Women have sex with me all the time while I'm sleeping.
- What? - How?
I'm fully erect while I'm sleeping. You guys aren't?
- No. - How do you keep from rolling out of bed?
- I'm gonna fall out. Nope. I'm gonna fall out. Nope. -
You got to be kidding me. Marcus Mariota is injured?
Okay!
Looks like that trade worked out for somebody.
Guys, the coin abides, I'm telling you.
I'm thinking about applying this to all of my real-life decisions as well.
- I smell something rancid here. - What's that you're getting a whiff of, Ruxin?
Come on, Ruxin. What's happening behind your back?
- Coin collusion. - That doesn't exist.
It's like I went to bed last night and a coin just slipped right in next to me,
and I wake up in the morning, and I'm sore,
and there's a bunch of pennies right around my waist.
Haddock put us through another leadership seminar today.
We are so focused on leadership skills.
America needs to focus more on "followship" skills.
Holy shit. That's Golden Tate, guys.
Hey, Golden. What are you doing here?
It's my bye week. I figured I'd come hang out in Chicago.
Once Taco figured out I wasn't a cereal, he hit me up.
Yeah, I'm as surprised as you guys are.
What'd I tell you, Ruxin? EBDB Prime delivers.
You wanted to punch Golden Tate in the face? Here he is.
- Hello, Ruxin. - Hi, Golden.
I didn't want to... punch you in the face.
I mean, that'd be cra... Pete, back me up on this. Right?
Oh, he said it.
- Ooh. - Okay, yes.
It's just that you kind of under-delivered for me in fantasy this week.
- Under-delivered? I had 98 yards. - And I needed a hundred.
So you kind of shit the bed for me.
Since your bed is right next to my bed, you kind of shat up my bed.
I am nowhere near your bed.
I hate when you fantasy people try to tell me how to do my job.
Fantasy players are the worst.
How would you like if I turned your livelihood into a game?
It just so happens that Kevin and Ruxin have a matchup in court this week.
- You might be onto something. - Yeah.
What do you think about a workplace fantasy league?
Ooh. A workplace fantasy league. I love it!
- Which one's your pick? - Oh.
- I'll take Ruxin. - What?
Doesn't look like much, but I'm sure he gets vicious once the suit goes on.
I guess that leaves me with this guy.
I don't mind being the underdog.
Might not want to sleep on him though.
His wife did that, kind of regretted it.
- All right. Workplace fantasy week one. - Whoo!
I expect some good trash talk on my MyFace board.
- Plenty of it. - All right.
No.
Taco. Come on.
- Oh, my God. Will you stop it? - What?
- How was your day, babe? - Good. How are you?
- I'm good. - Yeah?
Um, just wanted to go over something with you last night.
- First of all, you looked beautiful. - Thank you.
You know, we started to kind of kiss a little bit and then...
It was sort of like we were in a car together, and we were gonna go on a trip.
I looked over and you just fell asleep.
So I figured, "Mmm.
Maybe I'll just, like, drive around for a while."
- Sleep sex. - Yes.
I am sorry. That was not cool.
And I will never try to have sex with you while you're asleep again.
Thank you. But I wasn't asleep.
- Excuse me? - I wasn't asleep. I thought you knew...
How would I know that you weren't... What...
My eyes were closed. I was so tired.
But I just figured I'd go along with it.
Really? Just go along with it?
The bigger question, Kevin, is why you would keep going if you thought I was asleep.
Because you moaned. I kissed your neck and then you moaned.
So I was like, "Oh, here we go. Let's do it."
Yeah. I moaned 'cause I was, like, "Oh, Jesus. Let's just do it."
I don't know the difference in the moans.
They're the same moan. I get it.
You couldn't be bothered to open your eyes, roll over.
That's, like, the definition of phoning it in.
Are you mad at me right now?
A little bit. I'm a little hurt.
- Y... You know what? This is embarrassing. - You think?
Is this the first time that you've ever done this whole...
- Is this the first time you've done this? - Yes.
Me too.
- Okay. - Okay.
First time.
So, it turns out that she wasn't sleeping.
- Really? - I told you guys. I didn't Cosby her.
No, you're just so boring at sex
that your wife would rather pretend to be asleep
than openly witness you jackhammering away at her.
- Okay. Enough. - Does Pete make you do that?
If she were asleep, you could put a Pete mask on her and she wouldn't even know.
Can we just get back to the issue at hand, which is beating the Coin?
- We gotta beat this Coin. - Yes. Your job this week.
- I need your help. - How can I help?
- I need Philip Rivers. - Am I just gonna put him on the waiver wire?
- What are you gonna do? - I've got priority on the waiver wire.
All season long, you guys make fun of me, calling me the waiver miser...
Which I think, by the way, is slightly anti-Semitic...
But right now, it's gonna pay off.
You want me just to dump Philip Rivers?
I can do that, because I also have Drew Brees.
You have Drew Brees and Philip Rivers?
Yes, because I have foresight, Ruxin.
I think it's hindsight to a great lineup in 2010.
If I do dump Rivers, you better deliver that Coin.
Oh, trust me. If you give me Rivers, I will deliver the Coin to you.
And no one can find out about this. No one.
If anyone hears about it, deny, deny, deny.
Cosby style.
- Andre? - Lane.
Do you go to this church?
- Oh, yes. Yes, I do. - That's beautiful.
- Yeah. - Well, walk with me in fellowship.
- Right now? - Yeah, into the sanctuary.
Well... Okay. Yeah.
- Okay, yeah. - God's waiting.
- Korean Jesus just gets me, you know... - Yes.
In a way that Macedonian Jesus never got me.
- I just wish I spoke more Korean. - Andre.
- Language is overrated. - Right.
When I was traveling in Saudi Arabia, I got picked for a jury.
And I participated. We sentenced the man to death.
And I didn't understand a single word,
but I knew in my heart that he had stolen that melon.
Yeah, but what do you do during the hymns?
Sometimes I just sing Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," but with nonsense syllables.
That sounds great. Thanks.
- Hey, homey? - Yeah.
Salvation's this way. Come on.
I'm just afraid that I've become old and boring to Jenny, you know?
- I have to find a way to spice things up with her. - Say no more.
I hear you loud and clear.
- Incest threesome. Let's do this. - No. Dear God, no.
You're gonna have to hold Jenny's legs up. They look kind of heavy.
- You and I? Probably do no more than kissing. Okay? - No.
Oh, my ears hurt, but my heart is happy.
- How are my MacArthur boys doing? - Fine.
Not fine. I'm trying to have a threesome with Kevin and Jenny,
but this guy keeps cockblocking me.
Bro! You're not gonna let your own bro bro-bone you, bro?
No! No, I'm not!
You didn't want a threesome with me and Crazy Tiffany,
you don't want a threesome with me and your wife.
- I'm starting to think it's me. - It is you, dummy. It is you.
I just want to spice things up between me and my wife.
Ooh, boy. I'm not a miracle worker.
Speaking of which, we have some unfinished business, Mr. Ruspin.
- - Do you have a moment to fill out a short survey
about your recent transaction with EBDB Prime?
- No. - Okay. "No."
- Thank you. That was the only question. - What?
Mr. Ruxin. Mr. MacArthur.
- Judge Hardy would like to see you in his chambers. - Judge Hardy?
- Immediately. Let's go. - Uh, excuse me, sir.
- Do you have a moment to fill out a short survey about EBDB Prime? - No.
- Let's go. - Perfect.
"No." Thank you very much.
I praise you. I praise you.
Counselors, I just heard some disturbing news.
My bailiff overheard a conversation between you two. Sounded like collusion.
- What? - What?
Something about "Mr. Rivers" and "coin" was mentioned.
- Are you trying to fix this case? - No, sir.
We're not talking about Mr. Tom Rivers, the filthy slumlord...
Alleged filthy slumlord.
We were talking about Philip Rivers, the quarterback...
Who looks like a 1950s soda jerk.
Um, I'm gonna drop him onto the waiver wire
so that Ruxin can pick him up and beat a team called the Coin.
- That's all. - Oh, my, my, my.
- Just fantasy football. - Sure.
That's funny. 'Cause I play fantasy football.
- Really? - That's right.
My team is Roe versus Wade Phillips.
- That's a clever name. - Thank you.
I'm in a league with Justice Alito's Antonio Brown versus the Board of Education.
Ah! Wordplay.
Tied for first, by the way.
We would never dream of colluding.
Well, that's 'cause you're in first place.
You know, if you cheat in fantasy football,
how long before you cheat in my courtroom?
- Be a while. - At least, like, five years.
Colluding is cheating.
You will not cheat in my courtroom, and you will not cheat in fantasy football.
- Do we understand each other? - Absolutely, sir.
Never again... in the courtroom or out.
Thank you. Do we understand each other?
Your Honor, I promise I will never collude in your courtroom.
- And fantasy football. - Mm-hmm.
No, no. "Mm-hmm" is not gonna cut it.
Sir, I will never collude in your courtroom.
And... in...
Fantasy football.
You will not collude in fantasy football or in my courtroom. Say it.
Sir, I promise you that I will never, in your courtroom or in fantasy football, colloog.
- It's "collude." - "Colluge."
- Collude. - Exactly.
Say it, counselor.
I will not collude in your courtroom or in fantasy.
Wasn't so hard, was it?
- See yourselves out, gentlemen. - Good day, Your Honor.
Couldn't just say "collude"?
You couldn't just say that your team name sucks? Roe v. Wade Phillips?
- Sucks. - It's lame.
- It really is. - He's not even a player.
- All right, I'm hungry. I got to eat. - So you'll just drop Rivers?
No. No. What are you, crazy?
I prematurely dropped the Cincy D, and now I'm not gonna get a quarterback?
- That means I've got nothing. - That's your problem, not mine.
- What am I supposed to do about a quarterback? - I don't know.
Pick up Andy Dalton off the waiver wire.
You know that I'm a card-carrying member of the ADL.
- What is the ADL? - The Andy Defamation League.
I get together with a group of people and talk shit about Andy Dalton.
Why would you talk shit about Andy Dalton?
Well, for starters, he's a ging.
No Rivers.
- Andre. - Yeah.
We missed you at the bibimbap-luck.
- The what? - I signed you up to bring the bulgogi.
I was busy. I'm sorry. I'll do the next bi-bum-bop-bop-bum-bim.
Andre, I think maybe you're just using this church for the free parking,
and you don't care about the community.
How dare you, okay? This church is my home.
I don't just use it for free parking.
- Andre! - Oh, hey!
Chips and dip, buddy. We got it.
- You can't park there. - You park here all the time.
We have as much right to park here as you do.
- Shit. - Andre, do you know those people?
No. I was just telling them they can't park there.
That's Kevin and Jenny. You've known them since high school.
- They don't care for you. - Those people, yes. Those people I know.
They shouldn't be parking in the lot if they're not members.
Pastor, they are part of my charity group. We build houses.
Kind of like Habitat for Humanity, but we do it better.
- I think it's okay for them to park here today. - Thank you so much.
If you do construction, there's a big leak at the top of the church roof.
- Maybe you could patch it up. - Great idea.
How about tomorrow night, Monday night?
Monday... I normally have a standing...
Okay, Monday night it is.
After evening services. This is beautiful.
- But maybe you can help. - I wish.
Tomorrow night, I'm shaving ironic mustaches
to donate to children who've lost their eyebrows.
Of course.
I know nothing about carpentry.
This Korean Jesus is screwing me every chance he gets.
Speaking of getting screwed, Ruxin is gonna lose to the Coin.
You just gotta beat him in the courtroom.
- I need a big game at work this week. - You do.
I'm gonna take advantage of our amazing parking spot and go run some errands.
- Okay. - Bye.
One for me?
Hey, Andre, get your feet off your couch.
It's a foot couch. That's the butt couch.
- Hey, Kevin. - Hey, what's up?
- And Andre. - I said hi to you, like, three days ago.
Kevin, I got you something that's gonna help with your super-boring sex life.
- What is that, a parachute? - It's a sex swing.
- What? - It's a little chewed up,
'cause I used it as a net to go crabbing.
I'm not sure what the guy I bought it from on Craigslist did with it before selling.
So it's a secondhand sex swing.
It's a sharing economy, Brother.
Get that thing out of here. It's dumb.
Wait. That's just technically a harness, right?
It can support up to four people.
I could use that at the church to get up to the ceiling.
I've used it in a church before. It works great.
If Andre uses it, it definitely won't be a sex swing then.
I'm gonna dry-clean it first.
You don't have to clean it. Just a little bit of sea salt on it.
Oh, no. There's some cum.
I lost 'cause of you. You're gonna pay, shit-sipper.
Quit bitching, baby Ruxin.
This is personal.
Fellas, save it for the game.
- Mr. Rivers. - Mr. Ruxin. Thank you.
Gonna win this one for you today.
Hey, Kevin! I need a big work game out of you, buddy.
Ruxin. I'm counting on you, bud. Don't let me down.
- But no pressure. - Yeah, no pressure.
All rise.
The Honorable Raymond Hardy's presiding.
Be seated.
- Fire-crotch is gonna crush you. - No way.
Mr. Tate. Big fan.
Wish you'd stayed in Seattle.
But in my courtroom, we all try to keep quiet.
Sorry, Your Honor. We've been tailgating.
I call this court to session.
Counselor, first witness.
The State would like to call Mr. Thomas Rivers to the stand, please.
Mr. Rivers, how many different lawsuits are currently pending against you now?
I object.
- Goes to character, Your Honor. - I'll allow it.
- Yes! That's a point. - It's early.
If we're going to character,
my client wouldn't have sex with his wife while she was sleeping,
unlike the degenerate opposing counsel.
Objection, Your Honor.
- I'd like that stricken from the record. - Oh, damn.
Mr. Ruxin, do you have a point here?
My point is, if he's willing to penetrate his wife while she sleeps,
what's to say that he would not sodomize Lady Justice herself?
Your Honor, number one, my wife was not sleeping.
She just couldn't be bothered to move around or open her eyes during sex.
- That's all. - What does that say about him as a lawyer and as a lover?
It says I'm courteous. I would like that in the record, please.
I don't want to win like this, but I'll take it.
Your Honor, how could you possibly believe anything the defense counselor is saying
when he lied to you in your chambers,
saying he wouldn't collude in fantasy football,
then turned around and did exactly that.
Inadmissible. That's hearsay.
- Not if you call him to the stand, Kevin. - Is it?
- Yeah, dude. - Yeah, all right, bro.
- Come on. We need a TD. - That's enough out of you two.
I would like to add one more thing to the record.
Counselor here lied and told you that he liked your team name,
when in fact he insulted it.
Did you insult my team name? Yes or no?
- Come on, counselor. - Well?
Roe v. Wade Phillips is a stupid name.
You got a hundred years of football.
Reggie Bush v. Frank Gore. Dred Bart Scott. These are just off the top of my head.
Objection. They're not off the top of his head.
He has a list on his phone called "Team names, puns."
Please. You think I can't just come up with those?
- I want to see your phone. - You want to?
- Come on, dude. Give me your phone. - Come at me, bro.
State's Exhibit A, bro! State's Exhibit A, bro!
You know what? I'll smack your Exhibit D right into your Exhibit B's.
That's it! Ejected, both of them.
- Ejected? - Ejected?
Come on. Two ejections?
It's garbage time here.
- We won, Golden! - No, we won, Taco!
- Gattaca! - We won!
God, I hate my team.
Time to get some Spackle.
It's time for the Sp... Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't look! Close your eyes! Pastor Kim, close your eyes!
Oh, hey. Little help.
- You are against God! - You are excommunicated from this congregation!
What about my parking?
What?
Is that a yes or no? I don't understand.
Andre?
What are you doing with my old sex swing?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Subtitled by Captions, Inc.