We missed watching the games with you.
- We had Ellie's stupid soccer game. - Next week... last week.
- Oh, thank God. - We're done. Oh, peaches.
Hey, where's Pete been?
Oh, he's been really busy with his ref stuff.
- You gotta put the hours in. - Oh, man. He loves those ref buddies.
Ref buddies? No, they're just... They're work friends.
Like someone you have lunch with in your office instead of eating alone.
All I know is he's AWOL. Ruxin's in Puerto Rico.
So while the cat's away, the mice will play.
Don't say that, Andre,
especially while holding a thick cucumber.
- This? - Stop it.
Wow. Look at this place.
Everywhere you look, there's a super-hot lady.
This is, like, the new bar.
But you don't have to go up to somebody with an opening line.
You just ask a woman about fruits and vegetables.
- I don't think that's a good idea. - Watch and learn.
Can I ask your opinion about something?
- Oh, what did I miss? - Not much yet.
This cucumber seems great 'cause it's long and skinny.
But then this one... I don't know.
Maybe it's more fulfilling 'cause it's kind of short and squat.
Which one would satisfy you?
Tall and skinny or short and squat?
You are seriously such a pervert.
Did you get laid?
Eh. She's probably an eggplant gal.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
See, Meegan was great, right?
But that sophisticated city person isn't right for me.
I need someone a little bit more country.
So I joined FarmCouples.com.
Look at these girls. They're so cute, right?
They even have an app, like a Tinder app, called "Firmer."
I don't think that's the way it's pronounced.
Plus you've heard those stories about "the farmer's daughter."
Andre, those aren't stories. They're jokes.
That's like saying, have you heard the story about the guy
who keeps knock-knocking on peoples' doors?
I have heard those stories, and I'm always surprised by who's there.
"By farmers, for farmers." Which one are you?
- That is a problem, yes. - What are you gonna do about that?
- I gotta figure out how to get a farm. - I have a farm.
Taco, growing marijuana on your windowsill is not a farm.
That's how it started out. I was growing my own weed at the EBDB BnB.
But I had to keep going to the store to get my munchies,
so I just started growing my own munchies.
So the EBDB BnB is a fully-functioning farm?
Yeah. As you can imagine, the soil there is quite fertile.
- No. No, thank you. - Ew.
Just keep dumping loads...
- Okay. It's enough. - No. No, thank you.
(football game playing on TV)
I can't do this. I cannot. Do you have to sit this close to me?
I'm like Beetle juice. Say my name three times, and I show up.
No one even said it once, Andre.
Caught you.
- (object buzzing) - Whoa.
Jesus. What is that, man?
- TACO (on speaker): Meet the Taco drone. - Taco!
Taco! No, no, no!
Come on. Just put some chips in the basket.
Come in here and get it yourself.
Just put the chips on the drone. What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?
No. No, no! No flying this in our house.
What?
Why do you even have it?
It's the newest exclusive benefit for EBDB Prime members.
I got to stay competitive.
And your competitors are who?
Who isn't a competitor? Wall Street, big oil, Little Oil.
- Little Oil? - He's a guy I know.
He siphons gasoline out of parked cars and sells it on the side of the road.
- Does he have a drone? - He has a screwdriver, a hose and a bucket.
But a drone cannot be far behind. The guy's an innovator.
The best part of this whole thing...
when EBDB Prime members aren't using it, I get to use it.
And it helps with tedious tasks that I never want to do, like watch TV with you guys.
Come on, Flying Taco. Let's go chop up some kites.
- Taco, is this safe? - Whoa.
Is that safe?
- He's gonna kill someone. - How do we know he hasn't?
- Hey, guys. - Pete. Hey. Pete likes beer.
- Jenny, can you get me and Pete a beer, please? - No. You get him a beer.
I was just coming to get my jacket. I gotta run.
- Oh. - Just wanted to say hi.
Where you heading off to?
I was gonna go to a movie with my ref buddy.
Cool. You guys are hanging out when you're not working.
- That's cool. - Yeah.
- Just like the way we do. - Oh, God.
- Best friends forever, right? - Get off of me, please.
Hey, man. This is, uh, Jenny. That's Andre.
- Hey. Hey, I'm Kevin. - Hey. I'm Kevin.
- Kevin. - Kevin.
Well, Pete calls me Kev.
Pete calls me Kev.
Does he?
Uh, anyway, we should get cranking. Yeah.
Um, you want to grab a beer or something after the movie?
We don't know how long the movie is.
Yeah, there's, like, trailers and stuff.
- Could be complicated, but, um... - Oh, yeah, no.
- We'll catch up soon. - We'll see... Yeah. It's complicated.
- Whoa. Whoa. Missed that. Oh. - Come on.
- PETE: Okay. - KEVIN: Yeah.
- Ready to do this? - Yeah.
(whistles blow)
Nice to meet you guys. You, too, Kevin.
Well, looks like someone's got a type.
His name's Kevin. Your name's Kevin.
He's younger than you. He's more fun.
He's very pretty.
It's like Pete got his own trophy Kevin.
There's no trophy Kevin.
Don't worry about it, buddy. It's you and me forever now.
And when we play dick chicken, I'm going to let you win.
- Andre, just stop. Stop. - What? Okay, fine.
- I'm just here with my bros and my hos. - (Jenny, Kevin muttering)
What? My bros and hos.
Thank you so much for waiting.
Room 17 is finally occupied,
so feel free to let yourselves in and join the orgy.
Howdy, partner.
- Why are you talking with an Asian accent? - It's not Asian. I'm a cowboy.
- You're supposed to be a farmer. - What's the difference? There's cows on farms.
Not on this farm.
There's a pony somewhere, but I keep losing him.
I think he's in the bedroom upstairs.
Why don't we rustle up some of them varmints
and then check out that "firm"?
I'll show you, but then you're gonna have to go,
'cause you're gonna creep everyone out.
- This is your farm? - Yep.
Pretty cool, huh?
It's a little small.
Yeah, I've been experimenting with cross-breeding crops
and trying to create my own strain of EBDB BnB F& V THC.
Wait, wait. F& V?
"Fruit and vegetable." Trying to create a corn-scented weed.
I'm also trying to grow an entire salad's worth of vegetables on a single cob.
A "cob salad," if you will.
Great, great. Well, anyway, you got that.
I just need to take a couple pictures for FarmCouples.com.
No, no, no. I'm putting you to work, young man.
I need you to till the soil, pull the weeds.
And if I catch you smoking any of my corn, you're in big trouble.
I'm gonna go have sex with someone. Wait up.
- How'd it go? - We won.
Oh, that's great, honey.
- Awesome. Good job. - Thanks.
You earned yourself a Popsicle. Go get it.
- Awesome. - Nice. Chow down.
- They won. - We lost.
- Why? - Lf they win one more game, they go to the play-offs.
Play-offs? Play-offs?
- Yes, Jim Mora. Play-offs. In Decatur. - Decatur?
That means four more Sundays of carpooling back and forth to Decatur and no football.
- That sounds like hell. - It's a nightmare scenario.
Well, I just stopped by to use the bathroom, freshen up.
- I'm on my way out the door. - You got a nice tapas date with your best buddy Andre?
No. I'm actually meeting up with Pete.
Oh, trophy Kevin have a detention after school?
Very funny. If Andre calls, do not tell him where I am, please.
It's a real love triangle.
- (whistle blows) - KEVIN: Foul.
Whoa! Good call. Whoo.
- Which one is yours? - Right there.
- The tall kid by the ref? - No. Just the ref.
- (buzzer buzzes) - All right.
- Game over. - Yeah!
Everybody shake hands, pretend like you like each other.
It's like we've been doing this for years together.
Awesome, man.
On point.
Hey, Pete. What's up?
Sweet no-call at the end of the game.
Really good discipline. Hey, Kevin.
- Kevin. - Kev.
- Uh, what's going on?
- What are you doing here? - I was in the neighborhood.
I figured we'd grab a drink after the game.
An adult alcoholic beverage.
Yeah, it sounds great. We have the court for another hour.
- We were gonna play. - Ref pickup game.
Oh. Great. I'll play. I'm in.
- Let's do it. - You gonna play in that?
- Sure. - All right.
Let's do this. Let's get it done. Ow.
- Taco, this one fell out. - Put it back in.
And while you're at it, try to grow some opium.
- With this? - Uh-huh.
It's a poppy-seed bagel.
Yeah. You got a lot of bagel scraping to do.
I want you working till sundown.
See ya.
See how I'm doing on Farmer.
- (sheep bleats) - Ooh. I got a love sprout.
"Want to meet up?" Yes, I do.
All right. Whoa!
TACO (on speaker): Where do you think you're going?
I got a date. I have to go home, shower
and put on my fancy overalls.
Uh-uh. Did you plant the opium yet?
I can't grow opium from a poppy-seed bagel. I'll be back later.
No, no, no. You're staying right here.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
There's still sowing to be done. Or maybe it's reaping.
- I can never tell. - Selfie with a drone?
No. Selfies are lame.
Okay, okay. All right. All right.
All right, I'm gonna go have drone sex. Later.
(whistle blows)
All right, game on.
We really doing a tip-off for a pickup game?
Refs like to do it by the book.
(whistle blows)
I don't know who's... Are you up?
Wait a minute. I don't know who I have.
Are you on my team? Hold on. Get it.
- (whistle blows) - Foul.
Handshake. Suit.
- Who'd I foul? - You'll get used to it. It's okay.
Not on my watch.
Oh. Oh, God.
PETE: Oh, yeah! Kev.
Oh, that tasted good.
What tasted good? What was good about that?
(whistle blows)
You should do shirts and skins.
- (whistle blows) - What?
Lane violation, man. Stay on the line.
KEVIN: Stripes! Stripes!
- Pete! Pete! Pete! - I'm not on your team, man.
(whistle blows)
What could that possibly be for?
- Shot clock violation. - Oh, no way.
- Aren't you on my team? - Come on. This way.
- (whistle blows) - Hand check.
Bullshit. You've been riding me this whole game.
- (whistle blows) - Come on. You can't do that.
- Are you kidding? You didn't even see what I said to him. - (whistle blows)
- I thought you were on my team. - (whistle blows)
- Who blew that whistle? - (whistle blows)
- Curly hair, did you blow it? Somebody blew that whistle. - (whistles blowing)
- Everyone's got... - (whistles blowing)
- Everyone has a whistle. - Okay, Kev.
What? I want a whistle. Everyone has a whistle.
I want a whistle. This is a pickup game.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I just got caught in some farm stuff.
Farm stuff?
Yeah, when Mother Nature wants your hands inside of her,
- you can't exactly say no. - (laughs) Right, right.
What does she give you? What do you grow on your farm?
All the cash crops.
- Tobacky, uh, indigo. - Indigo?
It's all heirloom now.
Heirloom... cucumbers, heirloom radishes.
- Heirloom radishes? - Everything's heirloom.
It's the perfect mix of farming and antiquing.
Huh. So, what's your secret?
- Well, I only use my hands. - You have no machines on your farm?
My pappy used to say, "Farmin's a real hand job.
You got to stroke the land and plant your seed
and watch it sprout."
And shuck yourself to sleep.
You know, I would love to see this farm of yours, Andre.
- Well, is that a date? - I think it is a date, yeah.
Okay, well, my farm or yours?
Yours.
I would love to see this heirloom hand-job farm.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yee-haw.
And she actually thinks you are a farmer?
Lest you forget, Jenny, I'm a boyfriend chameleon.
Whatever my girlfriend is, I am.
The only problem is I can't produce a farm.
Just take her to Taco's.
Yeah. Come on down to the EBDB BnB farm
where you can catch hay fever or an STD.
- What's up, guys? - Hello.
- Haven't seen you in a while. - But we have been doing just fine.
You won't have to miss me this weekend.
I'm actually gonna be reffing Ellie's soccer game.
- Really? - Really? - Really?
- Why do you care? - I don't know.
I'm just trying to stay in the mix. Really?
This team she's playing, are they any good?
Well, they actually lead the league in goals scored...
- Great. - On themselves.
They are the worst soccer team I have ever seen.
Actually, Kev and I were just talking about it. It was so funny.
- We were? - Oh, no. Ref Kev.
- Yeah. - Oh.
I'm gonna grab a beer. Might wet my whistle.
- (whistle blows) - Little inside ref joke.
Wow. Looks like trophy Kevin's taking your spot, starter Kevin.
- (laughs) - It's not funny.
How would you feel if I started hanging out with a trophy Jenny?
I am trophy Jenny.
- I'm gonna get a beer. - That joke really backfired.
- Want to talk about it? - No.
Yeah.
All right.
That team Ellie's playing is really bad, huh?
Yeah, they're terrible. It's gonna be a cakewalk for you guys.
What if certain circumstances were to arise
that made a win easy for the other team?
Are you insinuating that I should throw the game
so that your daughter's team loses?
Come on. It is four more weeks of soccer, Pete, in Decatur.
That is four more perfectly good football Sundays ruined. For what?
Sportsmanship, the art of winning.
Something a MacAsterisk should probably learn. I am shocked.
- I am a man of integrity, Jenny. - No, you're not.
- I am when it comes to this. - Oh, 12-year-old girls' soccer... that's your line in the sand?
- I took an oath when I became a referee. - You did not.
You filled out a form, you went to Foot Locker and bought a striped shirt.
It was a three-pack. These cotton-poly blends mean something to me.
I will not be sullied by your dirty plan.
Soccer is the dirtiest sport in the world.
Everyone in soccer is dirty. Come on.
And now I am recusing myself as referee of Ellie's game.
Oh, my God.
And you can keep your blood beer.
Actually, it's not the delicious beer's fault you have no morals.
Goddamn it, Pete.
(muttering)
ANDRE: Okay. Come on, people. Let's go. Let's move it.
Remember, we're making a farm. Great. I love the wheelbarrow.
- It's very broken, very rustic. - Where do you want these vintage milk bottles?
Right here, but they need to be full of expressed milk.
Well, then, you should probably get a cow.
If I had a cow, I would show her a cow, okay?
- That's where you guys come in. - We're event planners.
You could do a petting zoo, right?
Just get me a cow! How hard is that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
It's for your kid's birthday. He's absolutely gonna love it.
How many times do I have to tell you? This is not a birthday.
This is a farm-ranch thing.
- The other guy said it was a plantation. - Taco.
Not a plantation, okay?
Take the sign and the cake.
And I thought we agreed on a goat.
- No goat. - No goat.
You'll be hearing from me on Yelp.
- Taco, what is that? - It's a condom clothesline.
- It's disgusting. - No, it's folksy.
- Take it down. - I can't take it down. The condoms are still wet.
Ever try to put on a wet condom?
It's like peeling off a wet bathing suit, but in reverse.
Okay, disgusting. Please take away that EBDB sign too.
JoBeth needs to think this is a real farm.
What do you want me to do with the scarecrow?
What the hell, Taco?
I don't need an erotic scarecrow.
Erotic? This is the least erotic scarecrow I have.
♪ Drunk-flyin' a drone ♪
- Taco, have you seen Jenny? - Yeah. She left a little while ago.
She left without me? Really?
I'm surprised it took her this long to leave you too.
I gotta get to Ellie's soccer game.
I'm almost there already. Check it out.
What are you talking about? Oh, shit, look at this.
Wait. Taco, don't you have to have a proper line of sight
to be able to fly this thing safely?
It didn't come with a line of sight.
All right, I'm gonna let it hover for a bit until the game starts.
You want anything out of your fridge?
- No, thank you. - All right.
Oh, there's Pete.
Oh, and him.
What are they saying to each other?
TROPHY KEVIN: So, in the future, hammies before quads.
Right. I like it. I like it, Special K.
Special K?
He's never called me Special K.
I got to take care of something before the game,
but see you out here.
Here it comes. Here it comes. Uh-oh.
(whistles blow)
What is this little prick up to?
Yeah, so everything here is, uh, all-natural.
You know, got our tomaters.
- Tomaters, huh? - Tomaters, yeah.
Got some, uh, "kairn." You know.
- (laughing) Please say that again. - "Kairn," you know.
Corn?
Yeah, it's my farmer accent.
It's intense.
May I interest you in some, uh, sodee pop?
Made right here on the... on the "firm."
Sorry. You make soda here?
Yeah, just get the water down from the crick and, uh,
put the cocoa... Oh, goddamn.
Sorry. There was a... It was an ant.
You know what? I'm just gonna be honest with you, Andre.
This farm doesn't feel... real.
Of course it's real. It's just, um...
It's more of, like, a pop-up farm.
Okay. No farmer has hands this soft and smooth.
It's genetics. I mean...
With manicured nails?
Luxury item for a hardworking man.
Why don't you shoot straight with me, Andre?
I'm not a farmer. I'm actually a plastic surgeon.
I only pretended to be a farmer
because I never thought you would like a...
I don't know, a guy like me.
Some sort of big-city big shot.
(laughs) You're a plastic surgeon?
Actually, the number one plastic surgeon in Chicago,
according to ChiTown magazine.
I was only on FarmCouples.com
because I didn't think I could meet a guy like you.
- Really? - Yeah. Really.
I mean, where I come from, even horse doctors pull a lot of tail.
Not literally, of course,
'cause you'd get a hoof in the mouth.
Just figuratively. They're sleeping around like crazy.
I don't want a guy like that. I want a... guy like you.
So, you're not mad?
Oh, well, no, this is weird.
But it's also... I don't know. It's kind of sweet.
Well, if you'd like, I can continue the tour.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- There's more to this mini farm. - Oh, yes, indeed.
- Come with me. - Okay.
I hope you like children's birthday cake.
I got eyes on you.
He's taking money.
I know I said 50, but it's gotta be 100.
It's not gonna be an easy game to throw.
(gasps) Trophy Kevin is dirty.
- WOMAN: You're a real scumbag. - Coming from the lady paying me to toss her daughter's game.
Well, you know what? Ninety's all I have.
All right. Consider that a first-time discount.
What kind of lowlife deals with this son of a bitch?
Nice doing business with you, Mother of the Year.
(gasps) Jenny!
Sucker. I've still got my money.
- Jenny, what are you doing? - Whoa. Kevin? What are you doing?
I could ask you the same question. What are you doing?
All right, listen up. Trophy Kevin is dirty.
- I'm gonna tell Pete right now. - No. No. No, Kevin.
You cannot tell Peter. You cannot.
I cannot do four more weeks of soccer.
Soccer? Talking about soccer?
- I'm sorry, Jenny. I have to tell him. - No.
- Try and stop me. - Kevin, no! You get back here.
Get back here, Kevin!
Goddamn it, Kevin! Get back here!
(whistle blows)
Taco, how do I work this thing?
(drone buzzing)
You canceled your EBDB Prime subscription.
I want it back.
(drone buzzing)
What the hell?
- Taco! - You canceled your subscription.
- Give it to me! - Come on!
(children screaming)
- Come on! Mine! - Give it, damn it.
(screaming)
Ellie!
Pete needs me.
- I need to use it! - Stop it!
- You're gonna get it.
Give it back!
Get the hell off my field.
Give it, give it, give it.
Ow! No!
Get out of here.
Oh, man.
I don't know why you're so jealous of this guy.
You still have all your fingers.
Yeesh.
(panting) I thought I had it.
- I thought I had it. - I hope you feel better.
(murmuring) I want my money back.
Guys, what a heartbreaker.
We don't have a ref.
Looks like we're gonna have to forfeit.
I think yellow team is just gonna chalk this one up as a loss.
CHILDREN: Aw!
- JENNY: I know. - Really?
We can't finish the game. We don't have a ref.
Actually, we do have a ref.
CHILDREN: Yay!
- Game on, girls. - (whistle blows)
- Follow me! - (girls cheering)
Goddamn you, Pete!
TACO (on speaker): Mmm! Yeah, yeah. That's the stuff.
Taco! What are you doing?
This will be great for the Web site, Andre. Let me get the pony.
You big-city folk are freaks.
JoBeth, come back.
- TACO: What's her deal? She single? - Goddamn it, Taco.
Andre, no!
Oh, shit.
♪♪ (rock. Men vocalizing)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Subtitled by Captions, Inc.