- I love you guys. - Yeah.
Psst. Hey, kids.
You want... You want to see a dead body?
- Uh... - Uh...
Okay, mister.
2x02 - Let Me Transfer You
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
So I asked Julie over to my place for dinner finally.
You don't think it's weird that I'm
gonna have my mom cook it, do you?
Dang, man. I've never seen anybody block their own cock.
Hello, you've reached TripTank. This is Steve.
- How can I help you? - Yeah, what is this crap
I see on your pathetic excuse for a TV show?
A poor defenseless squirrel getting his neck snapped?
- I'd like to lodge a formal complaint. - Let me transfer you.
Hello, Complaints Department.
Hello, yeah, I'd like to file a complaint against
the animal cruelty I've seen on your show.
Let me transfer you to the Animal Department.
- What? - Hello, Animal Department.
- Hey, listen here... - Let me transfer you
- to the Listening Department. - What the shit?
Hello there, I'm I'll Do Anything Andy.
And here at Andy's Used Autos,
I'll do anything to get your business.
I'll wear a funny hat. Boom!
I'll let you dunk me. Whoa!
I'll throw in a barbecue.
I'll do anything. I'll eat your vegetables for you.
I'll bare-knuckle fight a tiger.
Come on, you big pussy.
I'll bare-knuckle fight a bear.
I'll bare-knuckle fight the other kind of bear.
What are you doing later?
I'll drink a gallon of milk in under an hour.
Ah. That wasn't so bad...
I'll tell your mother to move into a home.
You're old, and they don't want you.
I'll cut off my own finger.
I'll Tokyo drift through a preschool.
I'll do anything. I'll eat glass.
I'll [bleep] ass.
Come here, you.
I'll file your taxes.
Carry the one. Ooh, I think you're gonna owe.
I'll start a race war.
Hey, you guys look like a bunch of [bleep].
I'll go skydiving without a parachute.
Ahh!
I'll let you [bleep] my wife!
I'll fake my own death.
- I'll fake your own death. - I'm okay.
I'll light myself on fire.
I'll get tarred and feathered.
I'll cut off my own dick. Ahh!
No, wait, I haven't even started yet. Whoo!
I'll walk your dog.
Hey, I was gonna put that back on. Dog took my dick.
I'll get drawn and quartered.
I'll hire an artist to draw me getting drawn and quartered.
Sacre bleu!
I'll slash sticker prices by 10%!
I'll do anything. I'm I'll Do Anything Andy!
10% and he'll [bleep] my ass. Kids get in the truck.
We're going down to the dealership. Hey!
Hey, excuse me, do you have a moment to help save
- endangered sea turtles? - Sorry.
- Hi, uh, hi, sir, would you... - I'm not interested.
- Excuse me, ma'am... - Get lost.
- Excuse me, sir... - Go [bleep] yourself.
- Save the turtles? - No.
- Not today. - Save the turtles, anyone?
Save the turtles.
I'll get the signatures, I promise!
Not my balls. Take anything but my balls!
Oh, my God, look. A double rainbow.
Wow, I wonder what it means.
- O'Leary. - Mickey.
Ahh!
Looks like it's my lucky day.
Taste the rainbow, bitch.
- Ahh! - Wha?
- It is I what's coming next to ya. - Ah!
Whoa, look at that.
You want a piece of this? I'll give it to ya.
You want it, well, hair it is.
And here's the capper.
Oh, shite.
Nature's [bleep] weird.
_
All these goddamn robots took everything from us.
Friends, our families, our very way of life.
But you know what I miss most right about now?
- What's that, Sarge? - Pecan pie.
Haven't had a slice since the goddamn war began.
Heh, yeah. For me, it's my pop's chili.
What I'd do for a bowl of that chili.
Hey, how about you, Tad? What food do you miss most?
- Scrap metal. - I hear you, man. I hear you.
Hold up. Did you just say you miss eating scrap metal?
No.
Well, what food did you say you miss the most?
- Pizza and hamburgers. - Ha-ha. Pizza and hamburgers.
That's a classic combination right there.
Sarge, can I talk to you for a second?
Hey, I think... I think that guy might be a robot.
- Who? Tad? - Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
- There's just something off about him. - Pss, no way. Come here, Luger.
Listen, I think you're losing it, man, all right?
You've been on the front lines a little too long.
You're starting to see robots everywhere.
So, Tad, where did you say you were from again?
I am from Tokyo, Japan.
It is the largest city in the world. So, mathematically,
it would make sense that I am from there.
- His story adds up. - Does it?
Ah, I don't think so. No, it does not. He's not Japanese.
- Drop it, Luger. - Drop what?
Tad, listen, you're gonna laugh when you hear this,
but Luger over here, he thinks you're a...
He thinks you're a robot.
- Yeah, I do. - Ha. Ha. That is funny.
Next you will be saying...
Error, missing file "human_joke.exe."
Oh, classic Tad.
Okay, so you're denying that you're actually a robot
disguised as a human and sent to infiltrate the resistance, huh?
- You lay off him, Luger. - Yes, yes.
Your unfair accusations have made me feel the emotion of anger.
Enough! Both of you, stand down.
That's an order. Don't you see?
This is just what the robots want us to do.
It's not enough that they've murdered everyone
we've ever cared about, but now we have to kill each other too?
Ah, I'm sorry, Sarge. I just hate the robots so goddamn much.
You know, I think we all just need to calm down.
We need to try and take our minds off this godforsaken hell
- that we're in. - How about I sing us a song
from before the Great Human-Robot War?
♪ Shooby-dooby-dooby dooby-doo-wop-wop ♪
♪ Shooby-dooby-dooby ♪
That's really beautiful, Tad. Thank you.
Hey, you know what I used to love
before the robots killed my parents?
- What was that, Luger? - Techno!
Die, you robot son of a bitch!
Hello, TripTank Go [bleep] Yourself Department.
- How can I help you? - Look, you pathetic piece of shit.
Let me transfer you to that department.
TripTank, this is Steve.
- God damn it! - God damn it?
Oh, okay, yeah, let me transfer you to that department.
TripTank Department of Theology and Hydroelectric Power.
This is Tony. Talk to me.
Tony, I swear, if you transfer me, I will come down there,
- and I'll beat the shit out of you. - Ooh. Don't want that.
Just tell me how I can help you, sir,
- and we won't have any problems. - Okay, fine. Thank you, Tony.
Uh, I was watching TripTank, and I have a complaint.
That's Complaints Department. Hold please.
Ahh! No!
Look at that turdbag, Gary.
Leading scouts on a campout like a jerk,
I say we scare the shit out of that asshole and teach
- him a lesson. - A revenge lesson on the art of pranking.
Matt, is your head in the game or what?
Oh, it's in the game. It's in the game hard.
That's what I like to hear.
Now, put on those tight little scout shorts, and let's roll out.
And that, boys, is how you tell the difference
between a common oak leaf and the dreaded poison oak leaf.
Speaking of dread, I'm surprised you brought us all
to Maple Falls, the site of all those grizzly murders.
What? No, no one was murdered up here.
Oh, yeah. Tons of murders.
- Why would you bring us up here, Dad? - No, kids. Listen.
There were no murders here, okay? I'm pretty sure.
♪ Do doo doo... ♪ Whoa!
If it isn't a bunch of campers led by a stupid scout master fatso.
Oh, hello, Park Ranger.
- Kids, this man helps take care of... - Oh, enough about me.
You know, you boys are either awful brave,
or your leader is a certified numbskull.
I mean, for this guy to bring you kids up here
with a mass murderer on the loose, that's just crazy.
- What? That's true? - Oh, sure. Big-time true.
The Butcher of Maple Falls has been on quite
- a rampage as of late. - Really? Oh, no.
Wait. Do you guys hear something coming from the woods?
What? What is out there?
I hear something too, and it sounds super close.
He said, "It sounds super close!"
Ah! Blah! Murder!
- Oh, my God! - I'm The Butcher of Maple Falls,
and I'm here to murder somebody tonight.
This can't be happening. Kids, run!
Don't worry, kids. You're safe.
I only slaughter the stinkiest, stupidest,
flabbiest bozo I can find.
And tonight, it's you, lardass!
- Please, somebody help me. - You see this, kids?
- Your leader is a coward. - Get him!
I'm going to cut off your face and stuff it down my pants.
- No, please! - Get ready to die, dummy!
Please, no!
Ha! I knew it. We scared the shit out of Gary.
What? What is happening? Am I dead?
No, you jackass. It's us.
Dana? Andy? What is this?
Just your classic "hide out in the woods,
pretend to be a mass murderer, scare a guy
till he shits his pants to teach him a lesson
in the art of revenge pranking" revenge prank.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo!
Oh, Donnie just 'grammed
a picture of Gary's pooped-out pants.
#SuckItDad! Whoo!
I'm really starting to like that kid.
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
Doink.
I'll put one there. Doink.
Ooh, that's good.
- And finally, I'll put one... - Can I help you?
Oh, you startled me, I...
You got five seconds, or I paint this kitchen with your brains.
Okay, okay, don't shoot, please don't.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm the Easter Bunny!
- The what now? - The Easter Bunny?
The... Okay. And just what in the hell do you
think you're doing in my house... Easter Bunny?
Duh! I'm just hiding eggs, you know, for your kids,
- for your children. - Eggs? For my kids?
Well, not real eggs. Plastic eggs.
And they're filled with candy.
- Candy? - Yeah, candy.
I just wanna give your kids candy.
- Whoa, okay! Sir, I... - Let me get this straight.
You break into my house in the middle of the night
- in a goddamn rabbit costume... - I'm not a costume.
To give my children candy?
Not give. Hide. They have to find it to eat it, but...
- You child-molesting mother[bleep]! - What? No, no! No, no!
You got ten seconds to get out of here, or I start firing. One.
Okay. All right. I'm leaving. I'm walking away.
- Two. - But just so you know, sir, I...
Ten.
My face...
And that's how you know the Easter Bunny isn't real.
Well...
Now it's time to get some sleep. Mwah.
Good night, my sweet, sweet boys. Mwah.
And just so you know, I love you.
- Why was that man wearing Dad's robe? - I'm scared.
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, you. Listen here.
Okay... Okay, I have spent the last 15 minutes
getting bounced from department to department,
and all I want is for someone to fix my problem!
Oh, that's Maintenance Department. Let me transfer you.
Oh, here we go again. You [bleep] prick.
Hello, Maintenance Department.
Roy speaking. How can I be of service?
I am sick of this bullshit. Put your manager on the phone.
No problem, sir. Please hold.
Hey, girl, how you doing? Doing good? All right.
Yeah.
Maintenance Department. This is the manager speaking.
I don't need goddamn maintenance.
I want to talk to somebody at TripTank about that poor squirrel.
Oh, shit. They sent you to the wrong department.
I'll hook you up, buddy. Let me transfer you.
Hello, TripTank.
Mother[bleep] goddamn [bleep] sucking piece of [bleep].
Oh, uh, sir, there's a lot of static on the line.
- Let me transfer you to Maintenance. - No, no, no, no!
Anna, I thought you were hospitalized
after drinking that boiling cup of tea.
Oh, Herbert, I completely...
recovered thanks to...
the doctor who...
replaced my...
lips with...
my father's sphincter.
- Whew. Oh, my. Ooh. - Hey, scout master?
Would you like some water from my canteen?
Whew, that'd be great.
Matt, is that you?
- Suck it, Gary! Whoo! - Whoo!
Suck it, Gary! Whoo!
Why don't we ever high-five?
Ugh, because your damp hands gross me out.
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
_
Oh, my God, Jen, I got some serious butt drama in route.
- You want me to hold your milk shake? - Hell no, betch.
I drink milk shake wherever I want.
Betch, I bet she wanted to drink my shake.
God, I need new friends, like, cool friends,
like James Spader...
Oh, my God.
- Jen, I just had an effing baby. - Oh, my God. You had sex?
No, God, you're so stupid, Jen.
You know I'm saving myself for Cumberbetch.
This is obviously like a Jesus baby.
Oh, my God, we're going to be, like, famous.
We? You mean me, betch.
I'm the one that's going to have her own reality show,
with, like, me and Jesus just, like,
doing, like, Jesus things in the Hamptons.
Get out of here, betch!
This baby sucks. It doesn't do anything
and is, like, basically ruining my life right now.
Why don't you sell it to the Baby Crap?
Oh, my God, I should sell it to Baby Crap for like a million dollars.
Hi, can I help you?
Yeah, I have this baby that I'm looking to sell.
How much can we get for it?
It's an ima-inaccurate conc...
It's a Jesus baby. Give me some money!
You mean immaculate conception?
Yeah, like, God wanted to make a baby with the best woman
on Earth, and basically, he chose me for obvious reasons.
Now you're trying to sell this baby to the Crap?
No, to the Baby Crap, you dumbass.
Why would I sell a baby to regular Crap if it's a baby?
- Some people. - Well, I'm not sure I can help you.
The Baby Crap doesn't really buy babies.
- Is it a boy or a girl? - I don't know, it's a Jesus.
Look at you, what a face.
Oh, my, this isn't a baby.
I think it's a... burrito.
Oh, my gah!
Mmm.
That's the best burrito baby I've ever had in my life.
So it is mine and Julie's first date,
but I should probably buy some condoms just in case?
Hell if I know, I had me a vasectomy when I was 16.
Or at least that's what I tell the ladies.
Oh, jeez. It's that guy calling back again.
Oh, oh, hey! Transfer him down to Ben.
- That will wear him out. - Oh, good idea.
Ben Department.
This is Ben speaking. How can I help you?
Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Listen here, you fat bitch.
I'll transfer you to that department.
Hello, Fat Bitch Department.
No! God, no, I do not want the Fat Bitch Department.
Okay, let me transfer you.
Hello, Not Fat Bitch Department. How can I help you?
This is insane. You're all a bunch of assholes.
Do you have a screw loose or something?
Hold please.
Hell-hell-hell-hello, TripTank.
This is Ro-Robot-Robot Ben.
How can I help...can I help...
can I help... can I help... help you?
I don't understand a word you're saying. Put the other guy back on.
Let me... let me... let me trans-trans-transfer you.
Transfer you. Cookies.
Hello, you've reached the Fat Bitch Department.
- We're all on break right now. - Ah!
Guys, we got him.
I can't believe how good this feels. My whole body's tingling.
Whoo, what a rush! I am on fire.
I'm feeling crazy all over. This is great.
Say, Andy, did you, um, possibly use poison oak for your disguise?
No, these are just common oak leaves.
- I'm pretty sure that's poison oak. - Yeah, I am itching like a mother.
- Me too. - As am I.
I can't believe that dickhead Gary gave us all poison oak!
- Oh, he'th the wurth! - I hate Gawee!
Oh-ho-ho, Gawee. You despicable bastard.
You'we going to thuck it, and you'we gonna thuck it thuper hard!
Thuck it! Thuck it! Thuck it! Thuck it!
Thuck it, Gawee!
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, you're right. I'm not ready for this.
You should be the one taking out Julie, not me.
I think you're making a wise choice here, brother.
Don't worry. I'll treat her real, real, real special.
Thanks. You're a good friend to me, Roy.
Hello, TripTank.
All right, look. You won, okay? I give up.
I just...I want to make sure that that little squirrel is okay.
Squirrel? N-no, he's great.
I think he's still in his dressing room. I'll transfer you now.
- Yello, this is Squirrel. - Dear God! Squirrel!
I saw your cute little neck get snapped on TripTank.
I thought you were dead.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble here, boyo,
but I'm a cartoon character.
- What? You're a cartoon? - Yes, and so are you.
Now listen, do not take the crap that you see on TripTank
too seriously, because literally anything can happen.
Wait a second. Hang on. So I could do anything?
Go anywhere? Like, travel through space and time?
Yes, let me transfer you to that dimension.
No, no!
Let me transfer you to that dimension.
Cookies. Cookies. Cookies.
Ooh. Oh, yeah. Ooh.
What the hell was that?
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~