You're gonna love this place.
- It's not Brazilian. It's Portuguese. - What's the difference?
There's no cassava. Guys, you're gonna love it.
I'm...
I believe I have the 6:30 to 7:30 shift.
You do. Andre, it's time to go.
Have you guys met? Pete, this is Andre.
He's putting his weird little wizzle into your ex-wife.
You know what? Fine. I'm gonna leave.
- I have a date anyway with... - Uh-uh.
Can I just tell you it's a pop-up restaurant celebrating cumin?
- No, you cannot. - Well, it is.
Thank you.
Can we make sure that person is gone
before I arrive... Thank you.
I will try, but it's August.
How long is this gonna go on for?
Ndamukong Suh is on the Dolphins.
Jimmy Graham is on the Seahawks.
Meegan is on the Andres.
Don't want to hear it.
You're upset that she's upgraded at the position.
No, I'm upset because this whole thing makes me look bad.
Years ago, I climbed Mount Meegan when that meant something.
But now, apparently, anyone with an Ed Hardy parka
and, like, DeLeôn tequila carabiners can just mount her?
Well, maybe it's just that you and Andre are Meegan's type.
That's my problem. Her being interested in him makes me retroactively douchey.
- No. - No. Peter, you are actively douchey.
Yeah, proactively.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
- Coming in hot. - Gorgeous.
Now we got food, it is time to pick the draft order.
Let's do this!
Hey, Russell, how you been, man?
How's that sex addiction treating you?
Taking it one day at a time, which is all I can do.
That and, of course, stay away from cheese.
Especially Manchego, that... temptress.
- What is about that hard, sharp Spanish cheese that gets you? - I'm not sure.
You'd think it would be the warm, moist cauldron of the fondue
- that would be more of the seductress. - Every day's a struggle.
A little braciole maybe in there.
Just trying to stay clean.
But I love when you slice up a cornichon
and then you jam it right into a thick, triple-crème cheese.
You know what else? You can grab a big log of Jarlsberg
and just cram it down your throat.
Let's get back to the draft order, please.
Your champion has arrived.
Please put away that unsightly helmet.
This year, we'll be choosing our order from one of my lucky fedoras.
Kevin, tell Andre we don't need a hat,
and I will be drafting first because you all lied to me.
Kevin, can you please tell Peter
that I did not lie about my relationship with Meegan.
And my relationship has nothing to do with our draft order.
Ask Andre to forgive me. I have a hard time trusting him when he put a knife in my heart.
Andre, Pete says that that sweatshirt vest makes you look like
a moderately successful Vine star.
Please tell Peter that a moderately successful Vine star
is still a force to be reckoned with in this new social media world.
- No. - Okay, Jenny, will you explain the...
- No. - Kev.
- What do you think, bro? - Will you sing a battle rap?
You're smarter than that, Andre.
- Put your phone away. - Like 8 Mile.
- Hey, guys. - Thank you, Taco.
I appreciate it very much.
Andre, tell Pete that choosing him over Andre was a no-brainer.
Works for me.
This year, I want to propose a few rule changes.
We talked about doing an auction-style draft. Correct?
- Yes. - Everyone's into that?
Taco, do you know what an auction draft is?
We do an auction draft in my fantasy hockey league.
Spend all your money on Bobby Orr?
No. Gonna spend most of my money on Nash, Toews and Subban.
Okay, once again, I would like to propose, as I do every year,
unlimited add-drops.
- No. Ruxin, no. - Why?
Because we don't get to do unlimited add-drops in real life.
We should be able to do it in fantasy football.
I mean, look, he dropped his wife and then this yud gets to pick her up.
The opposing viewpoint is, if we limited add-drops,
Pete would have considered long and hard before he dropped Meegan
and this yud wouldn't have picked her up.
What you're proposing is going to allow yuds to troll the waiver wire.
- It's gonna get all yuddy. - There's no yuds here.
You're the yud they're referring to.
I'm not a yud, okay? And no unlimited add-drops.
Okay. Just relax.
I think the real question is... when is the draft?
- When is it? - Great question, Russell.
The draft is September 5.
Mark your calendars, because this year,
we're going back in time
to the 1890s, to the Gilded Age.
No.
Theme draft?
And everyone must come in appropriate attire.
- No. - Costumes?
I love the '90s. I'm gonna go as Kurt Cobain.
No, no. 1890s.
Ah, the 1890s. That's when STDs came about.
- It's also a time of pageantry. - Also, rickets.
When things left unsaid were more important than things that were said.
Legionnaire's disease.
- Corsets. - The croup.
The draft is my favorite day, and now I don't even want to attend.
Ruxin, would you please tell Andre he's the Grinch of fantasy football?
Andre, Pete says you are the metrosexual plastic surgeon who stole draft day.
- I assume you all will be there though. - Oh, no.
I'm gonna have to do it over speakerphone.
I would love to spend 15 rounds in period costumes,
but I'm supposed to go to Wisconsin to see some friends.
Wisconsin? A lot of cheese there, huh?
Is there? I-I wouldn't know.
There's a whole week there called Cheese-a-Palooza, I believe.
Is that a real event? Because no one told me about that.
You told me you were going for Cheese-a-Palooza.
Shut your mouth, Taco.
This makes no sense. How does she not know the Andre we know?
The same one who video blogs about Don Henley and magic,
gets his arm stuck in toilets and ends up in an abusive relationship with his cat.
Don't worry about it. She'll find all that out.
Gentlemen, as you know, I've been incubating
my next big idea in my Taco Tank.
You mean hot boxing in a storage container?
After careful study of eating,
Taco Tank has discovered that over the past few centuries,
there have been many advances in food technology.
However, there have been very few advances in napkin technology.
Thought this was gonna be stupid.
Introducing... the napkin glove.
Put it on when having a meal.
And what's that? You got spaghetti sauce on your mouth?
No problem.
Ta-da! All clean.
- Pathetic patent pending. - But that's not all.
It comes in a variety of styles and colors.
Wait a minute. Did you make these from my shirts?
That was the second great idea to come out of Taco Tank.
Great work, Steve No Jobs.
Kevin, you busy tonight? You want to do something?
I can't tonight. I have a school fund-raiser.
Cheers.
To our first couples dinner.
Cheers, everybody.
Amazing. I have to do a toast to our first toast.
Yeah, I can toast to our first toast.
Cheers!
Cheers.
Did you talk to Pete about tonight?
No. This night never happened.
I wish this night never happened.
I told him we were at a parent-teacher conference.
- I told him we were at a fund-raiser. - Why?
I want him to think we have money.
Meegan, it makes me so happy to see you happy.
Oh, thank you. You know what? I really am.
We just have so much in common.
- We both love costumes. - Oh, my gosh.
- We love theme nights, and we love accents. - Accents.
Oh, we're super good at it.
She puts my Cockney to shame.
That's not the only place she puts it.
Actually, you guys, the thing that I love most about this guy...
His multiple malpractice suits?
- We're both sapiosexual. - Yeah. Sapiosexual.
- I'm sorry. What's that? - It's when one partner likes to stick their finger...
- No. No, no, no. - That's what I thought it was.
Sapiosexual means that the most attractive feature that we find in each other
is our intelligence.
Mmm... boom.
- Is it possible that she has made Andre more annoying? - I think it is.
Yes.
- Boom! - Hey, guys. Guys?
A little fearless feedback. It's not gonna work.
- No. - Not with you two.
- What? - Yeah.
- Bread for the table? - Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're never gonna lose weight eating like that.
Ruxin, what's wrong? No bread?
He's just a little gordito.
- We can't see his wee-wee. - We can see it.
So, are you guys excited? Because it's almost draft time!
I can't believe that you are into fantasy football now.
- So into it. - That's crazy.
Sofia, you've gotta do it.
- Really? - Nah.
Oh, my God, it's so much fun.
- What do you think? - Nah.
Guys, couples league.
- Nah! - Yes!
That would be so fun!
- Nah. - My lady kills it in fantasy.
Honey, drop some knowledge on them.
I think that you guys are insane
to go running back, running back with your first two picks.
What I would suggest doing is going wide receiver, wide receiver.
Where was that shit seven years ago?
You should check out her mock drafts. She's killing it.
Meegan, Andre was telling us about his plans for the draft.
We didn't realize you two were so into the Gilded Age.
- The Gilded Age. - Age.
We just love it!
You know what? Andre has been studying the ancient art of bartitsu.
Bartitsu.
I can't put my finger on the language,
but I believe it means "ultimate sadness."
More like "ultimate gentlemen fighting."
See, it's the Victorian art of self-defense.
A true gentlemen must be able to defend himself
only with the items on his person.
- Be they... - A cane.
- Be they... - A parasol.
- Be they... - A snuffbox.
So it's like kung fool. Or tae kwon douche.
Ooh, dinner is served.
- A toast to our first... - No. No, no.
Fresh ground pepper, sir?
- Uh, yes, please. - Say when.
You know what? Why don't you leave it here?
I can't. I'll give you as much as you'd like.
I might want more later,
so how about you leave the grinder on the table, and I'll use it at my whim?
If you want more later, you can use the pepper that's on the table.
The trash pepper is on the table.
I want control of the good stuff.
I can't leave it here. I'm sorry.
- Honey, I think you've had enough pepper. - Quiet.
I see that waitress right there. She's grating cheese.
Am I gonna have to go through the rigmarole when I want cheese?
With all due respect, sir, going to a restaurant is itself a rigmarole.
If you don't want the pomp and circumstance
of being served by professional waitstaff,
you can go home and eat cat food for all I care.
But while you're here, I will grind your pepper.
You know what? I've overreacted.
You're the king of the grinder.
- I'd like a little more, please. - Say when, sir.
- No! - I say when.
- I say when! - I say when!
Would anyone else like any fresh ground pepper on their entrée?
No.
That waiter was a psychopath.
The way he kept staring at us all night.
I wanted pepper on everything and I was too afraid to ask.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
Sorry to scare you. It's just me, the seventh wheel.
- Pete. - No.
- No, Pete. That's not true. - No? Where you been?
- We were on a date. - We were dating.
Oh, really? 'Cause I thought it was a parent-teacher conference. Or maybe a fund-raiser.
Kevin, you don't have that kind of money.
How could you go to dinner with them?
What's your excuse? It better be good.
- Well, they invited us. - I was just hungry.
You just bought two tickets off Team Pete. Now go to your room.
What? You're just gonna hang out here?
- Well, SportsCenter's on. - He said go to your room!
When tall guy says, "Go to your room," you go to your room.
What are you doing, Rafi?
Just hanging out behind the couch, like normal.
But I'm also mad, because I wasn't invited to dinner either.
Rafi, it was a couples' dinner.
So? I could've brought my very serious girlfriend.
- What? - Who?
Have you guys not met Margaret?
- Oh, my God. - It's very serious.
But is it consensual?
This was.
- This wasn't. - Oh, God.
You know what? Let's all go to bed.
We talked about it afterwards, and she said it felt good.
They loved you.
Ooh.
"Andre and Meegan invite you to the Draft of Innocence?
Prepare yourself for an Oscar Wilde night.
Please RSVP for you and your guest"?
A plus-one?
I got to bring Sofia?
Andre, you rancid ass cookie.
Common mistake.
You're thinking of medieval times. This is the Gilded Age.
Andre, you pink prick, why did you give us plus-ones to the draft?
I can explain. I needed to invite Meegan,
because my fantasy love loves fantasy.
My, it's a palindrome.
- What? - You want a palindrome?
Fuck you, you fuck.
That's a palindrome too. What do you have?
No, I don't have one, okay?
Nobody wants their stupid significant other at the fantasy draft.
Totally agree.
That means I have to bring Sofia to the draft,
and, if we can't get a sitter, baby Geoffrey too?
Like you would never bring a kid to a draft. Oracle much?
Andre, Fantasy Football is my time.
It's a fantasy. It means it's better than my actual life.
I get to eat sticks of butter with bacon inside
and talk shit with my friends who I hate.
If my wife is there, I have to eat quinoa
and explain what a tight end is.
Don't make a joke out of that.
You're mad, but I have something
that's gonna raise all of your spirits.
Period costumes.
Loose fitting tops and baggy sweat pants?
No. These are Gilded Age costumes.
- Oh. - Andre, no one wants to wear costumes to the draft.
Champion rules. Rules champion.
Another palindrome. And this is for you.
Great. A monocle. Now we can see how lame these clothes are.
And for you...
- What is that? - A corset.
And a bustle.
A little more here, a little less here.
It's a Gilded Age mommy makeover.
- I hope you get smallpox. - One in every three does.
Well, I bid you adieu.
Adieu. Adieu.
- Barely a dude. - A douche.
- Costumes? - Wives.
- Andre. - It's the worst draft ever.
During the draft, you have to take the time
- to explain everything to me. - Uh-huh.
'Cause I want to help. I want to participate.
You've done a little bit of research?
No, I haven't done research. It's just a football draft.
You do a pick, then I do a pick.
- So you want to alternate picks. - Yeah. Also, you have to promise me
that if I get bored in the middle of it
or if I don't like the food or something, we can go to dinner.
You want to leave in the middle of the draft?
Yeah. Your friends can do that picky thing for you.
And who would you suggest would pick my team?
Get Andre to do it. He loves you, and he's the champ.
- I'm gonna get dressed. We're gonna be a little late. - What?
If we miss three rounds, there's still 12 left.
Hola, mami. ¿Cómo està?
'Cause there are no important picks in the first three rounds.
I need my stress meds.
Mmm.
No! ¡Papil
My papi. My papi had a stroke.
- What? - He's in the hospital.
Mami wants me to go to Puerto Rico with Geoffrey.
So does that mean that you're gonna miss the draft?
Papi's in the hospital!
I'm gonna have to do all the picks on my own? Oh!
Thank you.
Okay, well, let's get you packed,
have some good-bye sex and go to the airport.
Let's not worry about whether you finish or not. You have so much on your mind.
Welcome to the Draft of Innocence.
- There'll be romance. - Intrigue.
- And old-timey drinks. - Old-timey drinks.
Andre, you couldn't rent out the whole place?
I ran into someone I work with at the valet.
Taco, did you perm your hair?
Andre had his hair guy sent to my apartment this morning.
Why do you have a hair guy?
- I love Boris. - Oh, gosh. And your costume is amazing.
There's no zipper in the pants. So I just go, right?
No, we have to return them.
Oh. Well, I'd return 'em in a plastic bag.
Okay. Well, there's Sazerac in the lounge.
Enjoy yourselves.
I'm gonna clean your urethra with this thing.
Say it in a Cockney accent.
Pete! Hi!
- Welcome. - Hello.
Listen, guys, I want to apologize
for how off I've been these past few months.
It's been a lot for me to digest,
and I just want to say I wish you guys the best.
Thank you. That's so great.
- I gotta get in here. - Get in here.
Oh, cane. Cane.
Andre, cane. Okay. All right.
Anyhow, the way I see it is, this is a draft. Let's have fun.
- Exactly. - So much fun.
See you inside. Oh, one thing.
- The invite had a plus-one, so, - Yes.
I brought a date, if that's okay.
- That's fantastic. - Love it.
Ah! What's up, dildos?
Rafi. What?
Who are you?
That's actually my girlfriend.
For the evening, right? How much you paying?
I'm not paying for any of it.
- What? No. - My name is Meegan.
Hello, Meegan.
Me Rafi.
Why don't we go get some food?
What were you saying about oysters?
Ooh, I love oysters. It's like little salty pussies on a shell. Mmm.
Just pick 'em up and get in there, like, mmm-mmm.
- But I don't eat 'em. 'Cause they're gross. - Okay.
- I put 'em back. - Why don't you go into the sitting room?
Get into the sitting room.
- Get to it. - I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for inviting me, bro.
Hey, who wants to fight?
I know you think this is a hilarious prank, but it's not.
It's gonna backfire right in your face.
I don't have a problem with your date. You shouldn't with mine. Enjoy.
Hey, guys.
Ruxin, I'm so sorry about your father-in-law.
He gave us a real scare.
Thought I was gonna have to draft with my wife here.
- Send Sofia our best. - Yeah.
We all cope in our own way.
Yeah. You eat deli meat like a shit pig.
I'm also pretty bummed about this stupid outfit.
Well, join the club.
If the world didn't think Jews were bankers already.
Hey, sweetheart, can you fill this can with grain alcohol?
Oh, boy. All right, it's time to draft.
Russell's gonna be on speakerphone,
but I have not heard from Chuck.
Actually, he just sent a video. Check it out.
Hey, guys. So sorry, but I'm gonna have to bow out of the draft.
As you can see, I'm dealing with some other issues.
- What? - Oh, no.
I like the hat.
I felt a sharp pain every time I sat in gum.
Doctors found a lump in my gum.
Turns out I have cancer of the gum.
Uh, the doctors have given my gum six months to live.
He's gonna lose his gum.
Yeah, pack'll be empty.
I am bored.
So I'm gonna take that gum everywhere.
You know, I'm gonna sit in the pyramids, the Great Wall of China,
and, you know, God willing, Ruxin's sweet, sweet head one last time.
- It's his Make-A-Wish. - Gonna make that happen, Ruxin.
Enjoy the draft. Sit in some for me, huh?
That is the most depressing final wish I've ever heard.
Where we gonna find an eighth team now?
- Fine, I'll join. - What?
We don't have time to find an eighth guy.
What if we make it completely random,
like, we just flip a coin for each decision?
We could call it the Coin, and we see if we can beat Random.
Any questions we have, we just flip the Coin.
- It's the Coin. - Or we can get a wolf.
Dinner is served.
Does the napkin glove go to the left or right of the fish knife?
Taco, no.
As we draft, we dine.
- Great. Let's go. - Time to eat. Looks really good.
All right.
It's not a buffet.
It's assigned seating, actually.
Ruxin, that butter is for the table.
You can't take the whole bottle of wine.
Did everyone get a napkin glove?
What's going on, Raf? No food.
Everything looks like shit. Plus, I bring my own food.
Oh, pocket dog.
- This is a "crotch-et" dog. - Oh, got it.
I keep it in my crotch so it stays hot.
Now, I have only one thing to say to you.
- What? - Sorry. Who?
- Can't understand you. - Can't understand you.
Le'Veon Bell. Le'Veon Bell.
- Five dollars. - Five dollars.
- Do I see ten? - Ten.
Do I see 15?
- Do I see 20? - Twenty.
Twenty-five.
- Do I see 30? - Thirty-five dollars.
- Do I see 40? - Forty dollars.
- Do I see 45? - A dollar.
Taco, this is not how it works.
Sorry. What is a dollar?
- Forty-five. - Forty-seven.
Do I see 50?
Sold to Pete Eckhart!
And now may my sticker maiden place the name on the board.
Jamaal Charles.
I got my Gronk. My Gronky-Gronk.
LeSean McCoy, sold to the Shit Pail!
Oh, yeah! Suck it!
Oh, my God.
We got Amari Cooper.
Nice pick.
- Yeah, great pick. - Oh!
Both really know how to find that hole.
Point of order. When are we gonna stop doing just football players?
Like, I need a Filipino housemaid
and I need a little Thai he-she kid for sex.
- It's not that kind of auction. - It's not?
This looks like white people bidding on minorities, dressed in old-timey clothes.
This is a slave auction, Andre.
We're all cool with that, right?
It's not a slave auction.
But everybody's black on the auction block.
Not everyone is gonna be black.
We're gonna get some kickers in here eventually.
Have you sold any white people?
We'll get to it in the later rounds.
We're... at running backs.
No.
I would like to buy a vowel, please. "S."
"S"? You gotta pick a player, Taco.
Fine. Are there any kickers left?
Yeah. All of them.
Okay, I'll take my Eskimo brother
Sebastian Janikowski for one dollar.
That actually makes sense.
- Any takers? One dollar. - No one?
All right, going once, going twice.
- Five dollars. - Five dollars going once, going twice.
Still no one? Ten dollars!
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
- Twelve dollars. - You got this, okay?
Who is $20?
Twenty dollars for Sebastian Janikowski, no other takers on the table.
- Twenty-five. - Why are you doing this?
I'd like to phone a friend.
- You don't need to. - That's the wrong game.
- Who would you phone? - Pete.
He's beside you. You don't have to use a phone.
Hi, Pete. Uh, should I go up?
If you want this player, get him.
All right. Thanks, Pete.
$150, final answer.
We're letting him do this?
Going once, going twice.
- Things a Cobb salad would say! - What?
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
In what context would a Cobb salad
say "going once, going twice"?
Lettuce just say that you are bacon something egg-cellent.
That is something a Cobb salad would say.
Nailed it. How does that feel, you piece of garbage?
Okay, the winner for Sebastian Janikowski is...
- Taco. - Yeah!
Just a reminder.
You only have 50 fantasy dollars left.
Oh, that's fine, I'll just borrow some from Kevin.
- No. - Andre, are you gonna draft anyone?
I got too caught up in auctioneering. We gotta start over.
- No. - So screwed.
Andre, this draft has blown up in your face
like a firework in Jason Pierre-Paul's hand.
- Who's that? - He plays for the Giants.
Can I just ask why? What do you see in him?
- Andre? - Yeah.
He's kind and he's funny
and he's financially secure.
He's Andre.
Your current decisions are reflecting poorly upon your past decisions.
Hence, making our marriage and me look pretty bad.
Have you ever thought about how you reflect on me?
Good-ish.
Fine?
You know what? Not the point. When push comes to shove,
you're gonna realize Andre is not the right guy right for you.
- Have you seen the hat collection? - I've added to it.
Wow.
Andre, get out of the way.
I'm gonna show you idiots how it's done.
What is that?
- Okay, here we go. - No, no, no, no!
- Next item on the block, Ming Wu. - Oh, my God.
What the hell are you doing?
Come on, time to go to work, honey.
Let's go. The floor is open. I'm taking bids.
- Ma'am, are you a kicker? - She kicks. Show him how you kick.
We're not auctioning off a woman!
Why? You auctioned off all these men! Why can't I auction a woman?
That is misogyny, a word I was recently told.
Come on, guys. Who's bidding? Let's go, let's go!
Oh, do not start with me. How dare you?
Ma'am, ma'am.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.
She put a curse on all of us.
What the hell was that, Rafi?
I thought you guys were cool and wanted to have an auction.
Guess not, so suck it.
- Okay, can we just finish this? - Yes.
Does anyone else have anyone they'd like to auction?
- Oh, yeah, I got something. - Sure, go ahead. What do you got?
Whoa!
Where did you get that?
What is your arm doing in a toilet?
Fishing out a contact lens.
- Out of a toilet? - It was a hard contact.
You look like an extra from A Different World.
We're not offering up personal items.
I bid $10 on that picture.
- Twenty to have it framed. - Thirty to have it destroyed.
- Forty to make a T-shirt. - Fifty to make it my team page.
No, no! Pete, I know what you're doing, okay?
You're wrecking this Draft of Innocence.
Oh, please, Andre. This draft is like the Pro Bowl, okay?
Everybody's here, but, frankly, it sucks.
You, sir, have besmirched my honor
and the honor of my paramour.
Ooh.
I challenge you to a duel.
Ooh!
No. This is bullshit. I'm out of here.
Enjoy your new guy.
I challenge you to a duel. You can't walk out!
Pete, it's a duel!
Pete!
Pete, we must duel!
I don't have to do anything, Lord Andre.
I am the champion! I make the rules! I say we duel!
You cannot besmirch someone's honor and then not duel!
I'll besmirch the whole goddamn thing!
- Who are they? - This might have something to do with Ming Wu.
Let me handle this. I got this.
Hi there. There's been a little bit
of a misunderstanding here. Oh!
Oh, shit.
My good man, I do not want to resort to physical violence.
But you leave me no choice. Ha!
Bartitsu!
I warned you, my good man.
A dollar.
Put your dick in his mouth, Andre! Shame him!
Andre, he's got a mop.
He's got a knife!
Yes!
Five dollars.
Somebody kill somebody! I want to see a ghost!
Oh!
Mmm.
This thing works pretty well.
Snuffbox!
$20, final answer.
Assistance!
- Here! - Pocket dog?
Here!
Holy shit.
Shall we get back to the draft?
- My hero. - Our hero.
I'm switching to Team Andre.
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
We gonna ookie-cookie all over this guy's face?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Subtitled by Captions, Inc.