Male announcer: Tonight, five comics take the stage
in the season finale of "Last Comic Standing,"
but only one will claim the crown.
Chicago stand-up Michael Palascak,
veteran comic, Dominique,
Canada's finest, Ian Bagg,
distinctive newcomer, Andy Erikson,
or the ATL's Clayton English.
One of them will walk away with $250,000,
an NBC development deal for their own show
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
All: Top five!
[all cheering]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
Oh, yes, the top five. Man, it's gonna be a gunfight.
It's gonna be like the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral.
I'm next. [Laughs]
We're looking for somebody that is making us laugh nonstop
and laugh hard.
I'm expecting everybody to bring their best.
Winning "Last Comic Standing" raises a comedian's profile,
so you go from people knowing you in the club
to national exposure.
We took 100 people, and we narrowed it down to five.
I mean, that's some winnowing.
♪ ♪
Being in the final five, I recommend it for everyone.
[upbeat music]
No one's won yet. We could all still win.
I feel so grateful for this opportunity, lucky,
and also really successful.
It's no time to be shady. We in the five.
It's an amazing feeling. I feel like, you know,
I'm part of something, like a team, like the fab five.
I so badly want to go out there.
How do I describe this moment in my life?
It's probably the biggest so far.
I think the next-biggest moment in my life,
I guess, will be when I die.
[laughs]
Get out of our room!
You know when you go to In-N-Out Burger
and you feel excitement,
and then you have the French fries
with the animal style on top and... and you feel sick?
So I feel excited and sick at the same time.
Hey.
Congratulations!
You are the Last Comic Standing!
We gonna see who got that funny
to win this title tonight, yeah.
Hey! [Overlapping greetings]
[laughs]
Congratulations. All y'all are winners right now,
so have fun with it, man, and enjoy the ride.
I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you, so.
- All right, Rod. - Thanks for coming.
Be funny. Be funny! Be funny!
Rodman, I'm coming for you.
Buy a new leather jacket. Life's about to get real.
Overall, the goal is to win.
No doubt about it, I want to win.
I really want to win.
I actually need to win it twice
to pay off the bills I have.
These five are comic warriors.
This is a night of champions, and I want to see a champion.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the host of "Last Comic Standing,"
Anthony Jeselnik!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Can you feel the excitement in the air?
One of the best things about L.A., I think,
is just how beautiful all the women are here.
I mean, all the women in L.A. are beautiful,
and I say that despite what's going on in this crowd tonight.
Anyway, tonight it's our season finale.
[upbeat music]
We started with 100,
and now only five comics remain, and at the end of the hour,
one and only one will be walking away with $250,000,
an NBC development deal for their own show,
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Now let me introduce our esteemed judges,
and remember, it's our judges who will
have to live with the carnage they've created.
I don't like to throw around words like "comedy genocide,"
but the judges have left me no choice.
Our first judge is the biggest big brother
in the history of comedy.
He's a total pro on-camera, and off-camera we don't talk.
Here he is, the venerable Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[cheers and applause]
Our next judge is a landmark television star
who has been a dream to work with.
I mean literally asleep for most of the competition,
but when she wakes up, she wakes up screaming,
and I love her for it,
the incredibly hilarious Roseanne Barr.
[cheers and applause]
Now, all I can say about this final judge
is that you never know what's gonna come out of his mouth.
Hell, half the time, I don't even know where his mouth is.
Is it above his chin? Below his nose?
No one can predict.
The great Norm Macdonald, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Well, let's bring out the first comic.
Take a look at Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause]
I was born in Cleveland, Ohio.
Then I moved to Buffalo, New York,
and then we ended up in Wabash, Indiana,
when I was, like, eight.
Being a new kid in a small town,
I was definitely different, and I got made fun of,
and I think that definitely influenced my comedy.
You park in front of the fire hydrant,
it's dangerous, $100.
You park on the sidewalk, hilarious, $50.
[laughter]
My first impression of Michael
was great likeability.
This is a guy that could star in a sitcom.
He comes out, and he has his rhythm already established.
He knows how he's gonna build his set.
I was an English major.
The only thing I know about capitalism is if I see a period,
the next letter should be bigger.
You remind me of a guy that's just as funny off-stage as on,
which is, like, magic. Great job.
Michael Palascak.
- Yeah! - Way to go, man.
- All right. - What?
If I win, I get a development deal with NBC,
and I always imagined myself being on that network.
[cheers and applause]
The set designer asked the final five
what they would want for their background
for the finale, and I chose the wood paneling
from the Barrel of Laughs Comedy Club
in Oak Lawn, Illinois.
That's where I did my first jokes ever,
and so I just went back to my roots.
I feel nervous and scared, but also happy,
a lot of emotions.
This is gonna be my best set yet.
Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause]
Love is weird, you know? People love their families.
If they're married, they love their spouse,
and it's the same word, but it's not.
Like, one of my friends got a divorce.
I was like, "What happened?" He was like, "Oh,
I just didn't feel like I loved her anymore."
Oh.
I don't feel like I love my family sometimes,
but I've never been like, "You know what?
I need to find a younger, hotter family."
I've never been caught cheating on my parents.
Come home late at night, my mom's up crying,
like, "Michael, where have you been?
"You smell like meatloaf.
"You've been at the Thompsons'.
"Was it good? Was it better than mine?
"I hope it was, because you're never
getting it here ever again."
I got to be home for my mom's birthday recently.
I was like, "Mom, what do you want for your birthday?"
She said, "Oh, I just want someone
to help me clean out the basement."
Mom, it's not Make-a-Wish, so...
I have a little cousin. She's really cute.
I like to play checkers with her.
She asks all these questions though, she's like, "Michael,
"how come our checkers has two players,
but Chinese checkers has six?"
I'm like, "Well, there's a lot more people in China."
My dad actually went to China
one time for work, and it was cool,
'cause he got to learn things about another country.
I was talking to him on the phone.
I was like, "Hey, Dad. How's it going?"
He's like, "Well, can't complain."
I was like, "Oh, so things are going well?"
He's like, "No, Michael. I'm in China.
I can't complain."
After college I got a job living at home with my parents.
I knew there was an opening 'cause I left one.
My mom didn't think so.
She was like, "Michael, you don't have a job.
Why don't you just work at McDonald's?"
A, because I don't want to lose my eligibility
for their Monopoly game.
[cheers and applause]
She gets so upset. She's like, "Michael, Michael,
you can't live at home with your parents forever."
Whoa.
I don't even want to think about you guys dying.
Thanks, everybody. Good night.
Thank you.
[upbeat music]
Michael Palascak, everybody.
Whoo!
Roseanne, so what'd you think about Michael?
Well, Michael, you did a great job.
Thank you.
I think you're a wonderful comic.
You're so likeable.
You built that set really well.
You're a fantastic writer, and, you know,
congratulations, you did great.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Keenen, what'd you think about Michael's final set?
I think Michael's been consistent
throughout the whole competition,
and like Roseanne said, you built the set very nicely.
The material was great.
- Thank you. - So good job.
- Thanks. - All right.
Norm, I know you didn't get dressed up for nothing.
What'd you think about Michael?
Well, I think it's very important
when a comedian's material matches their look.
It creates a feel of authenticity.
No one can know if another man is authentic or not,
but you appear to be.
This idea of staying with your parents
and being the Lost Generation is a good one,
so congratulations.
Thank you, appreciate it.
Michael Palascak, make him feel good.
I'm nervous in general to do sets,
but it went great, and I feel good.
It was really fun to do,
so I'm really excited that I got to be a part of this.
I think that Michael was probably thrown
by having to go first...
Yeah.
Knowing what his style is, but funny jokes.
He has a presence for sure.
Oh, yeah.
Announcer: Coming up...
Thank you, Jesus. I almost killed myself.
Announcer: Some comics will do anything to win.
I feel the same way as you, Roseanne,
so let's get out of here and have a family.
You guys think I should ever tell that joke again?
Announcer: Later, the final performance of the season.
Jesus had 12 disciples.
That's 13 people everywhere you go.
If that's not gangsta, I don't know what is.
Announcer: And then, will there be
a surprise ending?
Before I announce the winner,
I want to risk ruining everything.
Well, it's definitely time for our next finalist.
Dominique is an amazing lady,
and that's why they made this little movie about her,
and for no other reason. I hope you enjoy it.
[cheers and applause]
Being in the final five,
I don't have any more words to express.
I've said I'm thrilled, I'm excited.
I think I need a thesaurus,
something to help me out with the different words,
but I'm really, really glad I'm here.
I got a friend request on Facebook
from my biological father.
What I love most about Dominique
is that she's a storyteller.
I haven't talked to this man in, like, 35 years,
but he sent me a friend request,
and I wasn't gonna be his friend,
but my mother said, "Accept, he owe me money."
I said, "Okay."
[laughter]
Dominique could get up there in front of 5,000 people
and play to the back of the room.
She can... she commands that much space.
You'll never chop my head off and hide it
behind the grocery store some damn where,
have me on "Nancy Grace."
I thought Dominique took 'em to church.
It was... it felt very much like a reverend's cadence.
I come from a family of great storytellers.
They all really, really helped me
as far as being a stand-up.
You're fantastic. I love you.
Thank you.
If I go out and do what I want to do and be Dominique.
I believe that I will be the Last Comic Standing.
Please welcome Dominique.
[cheers and applause]
How y'all doing?
How y'all doing? How you doing? You all right?
[cheers and applause]
I'm good. I don't understand
some of the new trends today though.
After you get a certain age, you can't get with it no way.
Like eyelashes, I think eyelashes are nice,
but I think you have to wear 'em appropriately.
I don't like when they so heavy
that you can't even open your eyes up.
That don't make no sense. I went to Wendy's last week,
and the girl at the counter couldn't even take my order,
her eyelashes was so heavy.
She was like, "May I help you?"
like she killing the game.
"May I help you?" Like she at the club.
I said, "Where are the whites of your eyes at?"
"I can see you."
I said, "No, you can't."
You know, and she all overdressed in the face,
look like Diana Ross from the movie "Mahogany"
in the face.
Whoo!
With khakis and a t-shirt on.
I said, "That ain't right.
You working in a burger joint."
But, you know, she young,
so at least she got a chance to get it together.
I'm worried about the women that's older,
that's in their 40s and stuff.
What you doing wearing them heavy eyelashes?
You already losing your vision at a rapid rate.
Some stuff you just can't do the older you get.
Like, I like high heels, and I think high heels are nice,
but once you get a certain age, in your 40s and stuff,
you can't wear them real, real high heels,
'cause you can't afford to fall.
You ever been in your 40s and almost fell?
You like "Whoo! Oh, my God.
"Thank you, Jesus. I almost killed myself.
"Ooh!
Get the supervisor over here so he can mop this mess up."
And I don't even know why heavyset women try to wear 'em.
You already carrying around 250 pounds.
Why would you put it on stilts?
Why would you do that?
Ow!
Why would you do that?
When you fall, you gonna break your ankle
all the way up to your thigh.
And you know if you can walk in 'em
'cause you walk in 'em with ease.
You know, and some women can rock 'em, don't misunderstand,
but most of us, we can't wear them shoes,
and you know you can't wear 'em, 'cause you can't even hardly
walk with your man when you got them shoes on.
Your man halfway to the car, here you come, "Hold up, bae.
Bae, hold up, bae."
Your baby toe on Tabasco Sauce.
"Hold up, bae."
He said, "I told you not to wear 'em from the giddy-up."
I'm Dominique. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Dominique, everybody.
Now, Keenen, at this point in the competition,
you've seen more than 100 stand-up performances,
so the obvious question is this.
Are you going to miss me?
- No. - Right.
But what about Dominique?
I love the "older woman take on the world."
Almost falling and killing yourself is hilarious.
- Thank you. - But very good set.
Thank you. Thank you.
I feel an older person has an advantage
over a younger person in stand-up comedy,
first, because it takes 10, 20, 30 years to get good.
Secondly, you know what it is to be young,
and you know what it is to be old,
so I thought it was fantastic.
Thank you, Norm. Thank you.
Roseanne, both judges loved it.
You want to jump on board with them?
Yeah, I do. I love you.
I love your material that everybody can relate to,
and the only thing,
I think that you went on too long with the eyelashes.
- I agree. - Okay.
You know, that was an unfortunate choice,
but you did rock it.
Thank you.
All right, don't hold back now.
Give it up one more time. Dominique.
- Great job, Dominique. - Thank you. Thank you.
I think it went great,
so I still think that I got a shot at winning.
Women are way dirtier than any man could be,
so let's drop the attitude right now.
With the NBC development deal, I think I would
create a show that kind of centers on Atlanta,
like, the real Atlanta.
We'd call it "Atlantsterdam."
I'd want to do a show about a guy,
you know, going back to his small town,
and he starts a bowling alley in a law office.
I would do a remake of "B.J. and the Bear."
A detective show, because my alter ego,
I think, is a detective.
It was about a guy that owned a truck full of sausages,
but he would also solve murders.
Like "Mad Men" but we're all unicorns.
Oh, girl, I can solve a murder.
Hold on, it gets better.
He also had a chimpanzee.
Why is that not on the air?
Welcome back to the season finale
of "Last Comic Standing."
It's time for our next finalist.
Let's learn a little bit more about Ian Bagg.
It was really, really hard to do the show.
I've had an okay career so far.
Now I've given myself an opportunity to fail.
I'm swelling up. Get my EpiPen.
I can't breathe. [Breathing heavily]
What I like about Ian Bagg is
he's a consummate crowd-work guy.
Not everybody clapped. That was a little disappointing,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
Most comics give a speech,
but I like to have a conversation.
You're just daring us to get pissed off,
and I don't know why it works to make us like you more,
but it was just hilarious.
I mean, the guy can do anything.
He makes it funny. That's the skill of it.
He can completely get away with it because he's so silly.
I grew up in a small logging/mining Indian village
in northern Canada,
and you spoke the truth about things,
so you called people out on things.
2009, a man named "Lululemon"
came up with these pants... for yoga.
Not one of you ladies has worn 'em to yoga since,
wear 'em to do everything but yoga.
Ian came out here and brought everybody into his world
and made them laugh.
Ian Bagg. Ian Bagg.
I pick Ian Bagg!
Yeah!
Who knows if this set is better or worse,
but we're about to find out.
Stick around, America.
Please welcome Ian Bagg.
[cheers and applause]
Well, hello.
Who expected you guys?
Anyways, like a lot of the comics,
I kind of went to Afghanistan and did shows for the troops.
I say "kind of" because I didn't make it.
Here's the story before you judge me,
'cause I can tell you guys are all judging me.
I got on a plane that went to Germany,
to Rammstein, Germany, then I got on another plane.
It took off for a couple seconds then landed in a field,
knocked over a bunch of trees, otherwise known as crashing.
A lot of you are thinking, "How did you survive?"
I was on Xanax. That's how I survived.
I was going over to war.
I was on Xanax 'cause everybody else had guns.
I had jokes. How does that... how am I gonna
survive in the middle of a firefight with that?
I'm just gonna stand up in the middle of it,
"Two Jews walk into a bar."
Taliban's gonna stop shooting, "Let him talk.
Tell us more about these Jews you speak of."
All right, it's a young crowd. I can tell it's a young crowd.
There's more women in here than there is men,
and women are way dirtier than any man could be,
so let's drop the attitude right now.
Yeah, you tell me, like, "How do you know?"
How do I know? 'Cause I can guarantee you
every woman in here has two personal massagers at home,
and one of them doesn't work.
Yeah, that's how we know you're filthy.
Throw it out. It's not a stock car.
You can't use it for parts.
Just don't put it on your shelf and remember the good times.
"Oh! February, meow, meow."
You ever heard a woman use... it's not even sexy.
It just sounds like a propeller plane
going into a cloud.
Starts out all normal.
[imitating vibrator]
[heavy vibration]
[intermittent vibrations]
Now, I know some of you are like, "Oh, I didn't know
he was gonna be this dirty." [babbling]
I'm gonna fight everybody in here right now.
I've been married for two years, so I've probably been married
longer than anybody else in here,
so if you have any questions, I'll answer them.
Anybody married longer than two years?
[some applause]
All right, that side. How long married...
How long married up there? I don't have much time.
You got to answer these questions.
- 26! - What's that?
- 26. - Oh, 26,
my God, that is awesome.
How do you guys keep it fresh?
You ever just switch teeth and look at each other?
You ever just do that?
"Here, try mine." "Okay, I'm you."
[goofy laugh]
"Let's go for steak. I've got the good teeth."
Does he open doors for you, ma'am?
- Yes. - All the time?
- No. - No, that's right.
That's how you do it. Keep her fresh.
Open three, and then the next one, bam!
Right into it.
All right, you guys have been a lot of fun.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
I appreciate it.
Ian Bagg, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Keenen?
I love to see when a comedian is threatened by the audience.
Yeah.
Ian never let the room dictate.
He kept the set going until the audience came on board,
and that, to me, is what a pro does.
Yeah. Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Roseanne, what'd you think about Ian's set tonight?
Well, I think he killed. I mean, everybody liked him.
[cheers and applause]
But I don't think that he did as well as he could have
and that we wanted him to and that we expected him to.
- Sorry. - I feel the same way as you,
Roseanne, so let's get out of here and have a family.
[laughs]
So Norm, Ian went for it.
[both laughing]
I like how you just make silly noises,
and you're just... I like the silliness of Ian, you know?
And then,
like the other two judges were talking about,
when the audience was a little rigid,
it takes great daring
to end your set by going to the crowd.
It succeeded, and congratulations.
And there you have it. One more time
for Ian Bagg, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
This was a set. I've done a lot of sets.
Like children. They all mean something,
and even though one might have a shorter leg than the other,
you respect it.
- Well? - That was great.
The next two got their work cut out for 'em now.
Yeah, they do.
You guys think I should ever tell that joke again?
No? Screw you, I'm doing it again.
Announcer: And later...
It felt like her material was better.
- That guy's way better. - No.
It's gonna be really tough.
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back to "Last Comic Standing."
Now it's time to introduce our fourth finalist.
She must be eager to get out here.
Too bad Andy Erikson has to wait a little longer
for you to check out her package.
This has been my dream my whole life.
I watched the show as a kid,
and I was like, "I want to be on that show one day."
Do you guys think people who live in Mexico ever say,
"Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicans"?
What I like about Andy Erikson is she's like a human cartoon.
Is that really how you are though?
When I'm excited or when there's a squirrel.
[laughter]
The first time she performed,
I thought, "This is gonna be disastrous,"
but as she got into her set,
I said, "Wow, okay, she's really different."
I see a lot of comedians try to be characters,
but you're just being you. You are the character, and...
Yeah, meow, meow. Yeah, that's me.
You're a cat.
Exactly.
Andy is quirky, but she has
a clear intelligence that comes through.
He's like, "Come on, what's your favorite element?"
so I punched him in the face.
I was like, "The element of surprise!"
Set designers worked with us to create a background,
and I decided it was gonna be a cat riding a unicorn.
I chose it 'cause I wanted it to represent me.
Meow, meow, meow.
Winning "Last Comic Standing" would mean so much to me.
I could have my own show, and that's been my dream.
I want that so bad,
and the best part, though, is, maybe there's gonna be,
you know, maybe a little girl or a little boy out there.
They're gonna see me, and they're gonna be like,
"Oh, man, I want to be her one day,"
which I think is really, really cool.
Please welcome Andy Erikson.
[cheers and applause]
I got into a fight today, yeah,
with my alphabet soup.
I was like, "Stop putting words in my mouth," you know?
And my soup was like...
[speaking gibberish]
You know?
And I was like, "I never said that," you know?
Like, why can't you be more like SpaghettiOs, you know?
'Cause they're always like, "Ooh, oh."
I really love Twitter.
I think it's pretty cool.
My favorite thing about Twitter
is that you can put your friends in lists.
You can call the list whatever you want,
so I made a list called, "People I have killed."
Right, so far zero people, you know.
What's great is when you click on the list,
Twitter brings up a search box and asks,
"Hey, would you like us to help you
find people to add to your list?"
I'm like, "Whoa, Twitter!" Like...
I don't even know how spell "Kim Kardashian."
[cheers and applause]
I-I played a trick on my hamster today.
Yeah, I tied him up, but not like that.
I-I took a USB cord,
and I plugged one end into my computer,
and I took the other end, and I tied it around my hamster,
and I was like, "Ha, ha, you're a mouse!"
My favorite class in high school was geography
'cause we got to write a report on whatever we wanted,
so I wrote a report called,
"If Hungary could attack any country,
it would attack Turkey."
Yeah.
"And then it would attack Viet...
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom."
Okay, I have a sheep joke I want to tell you guys.
Okay, oh, man, she's doing it.
So there's this sheep, right,
there's this sheep, "I'm a sheep. I'm a sheep."
Remember that for later.
And then there's this shepherd, and he's like,
"I'm a shepherd. I'm a shepherd."
You know, and the sheep's like, "Uh, I'm a sheep.
Stop pushing me around," you know,
and the shepherd's like, "What?"
And the sheep's like... like, "Stop pushing me around,"
you know, then two hours later,
the shepherd's like, "What?"
You know, and then the sheep's like,
"You 'herd' me!"
Aw, man.
You guys think I should ever tell that joke again? No?
'Cause the judges are looking at me like,
"No," you know?
I'm like, "Screw you, I'm doing it again."
So there's this sheep, right?
And the sheep's like, "Stop pushing me around."
[cheers and applause]
That's my time! Thank you, guys!
Andy Erikson, everybody.
Now, Keenen, what comes up must come down.
Is Andy crashing tonight or at a later date?
I was watching you, and it was almost like
you've been telling these jokes since you were six,
and you still look six, except you're really tall right now.
I love the way you just go up there and have fun
- and break all the rules... - Yeah.
And the audience at first, like us,
are sitting here going, "What the hell?"
But then there's this sly intelligence
that you weave into the madness,
and it's just really, really fun to watch.
Thank you.
Roseanne, how'd you feel about Andy?
Well, I love you, Andy.
You're funny in a way that nobody else is funny.
- Thank you. - You've got so much confidence
and authority when you're up there
to do, you know, that joke again.
It's like, "Oh, my God."
- I love you. - Thank you.
Thank you!
Norm?
Well, unfortunately, Andy,
you're not allowed to break all the rules.
You know, Bob Dylan one time had a quote where he said,
"If you're an outlaw, you must be honest."
What he meant by that was he has rules
that he abides by in the construct of his poetry.
All of a sudden you're talking about Kim Kardashian.
You should live beyond this world.
You should live in another place with unicorns and so forth.
Whoo!
No, no.
Norm's saying he wants you to die.
[laughter]
So let other people do Kim Kardashian jokes.
You know, let Bill Maher tell us about...
About whatever the hell he talks about,
and, you know, just be a silly, funny girl.
I love you though.
Thank you. Thank you.
This is your last chance to clap
for Andy Erikson, everybody. Let her hear it.
Make her feel good.
[cheers and applause]
I think it went pretty well.
I feel like I...
Like I've done everything I can do,
and now I just get to wait.
Announcer: When we return...
I like y'all cougars.
You might get in the room with her,
and she look at you like, "All right now,
take off them britches."
Britches?
Announcer: And then...
All right, it's time for the results.
The winner is...
[loud boom]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
And we're back.
Our last comic of the night is about to perform.
Before that, let's have a big round of applause
for the heart and soul of "Last Comic Standing," me.
[cheers and applause]
Keenen, I noticed you weren't clapping.
We all noticed it.
But we've reached our final comedian.
Want to know more about Clayton English?
Well, take a look at this mini-documentary.
[cheers and applause]
This is, like, a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
This is something that I've watched on TV,
and, I mean, as far as getting on prime time as a comedian,
you don't have too many shots.
I can't think when I'm being yelled at.
You come to my window,
"Roll the window down right now!"
Oh, okay, all right, you know, hoo, um,
are the child locks on?
Your strength is that you're likeable.
- Mm-hmm. - Don't go angry,
'cause it's gonna be hard for us to enjoy it and laugh.
Cereal, that's my favorite food.
The last bag of Fruit Toasted Os,
it was crunched up into a fine powder.
We went home with two kilos of Fruit Toasted Os.
Wanda's advice was great.
I figured out the way to tool the joke
to where it included everybody.
Clayton has a complete skill set.
He can animate his material. He's got good jokes.
You had the best set of the night.
[cheers and applause]
Everyone can relate to Clayton
because his material is so universal,
and that's always the funniest.
If someone surprises you, then that's
the best thing of all, and Clayton surprised me.
It's the set to beat.
I got one word, star.
Clayton English.
Clayton.
[cheers and applause]
They gave us the option to choose our own backdrop,
so I had to choose my city.
I had to choose the Atlanta city skyline.
I got to represent for Atlanta
because I think we got some funny people down there.
This is about as big as it gets.
This is the big game.
Game time.
About to be the Doc Holliday of jokes.
Like, I'm just gonna try to get them all out there
and have a great set.
Let's get it.
Please welcome Clayton English.
[cheers and applause]
All right, all right, let's get it, let's get it.
You shouldn't have to pray for stuff
that you shouldn't be praying for.
Like, I shouldn't have to pray to make it home safely
without the police pulling me over.
I shouldn't have to do that.
That's not a prayer I should have to make,
but I do it,
and I know Jesus understands, 'cause he hung around thugs.
He did. Jesus had 12 disciples.
That's 13 people everywhere you go.
If that's not gangsta, I don't know what is.
How you go in a restaurant with no call-ahead
and just say, "Yeah, we need a table for 13,
and we all want to sit on the same side."
"What? Who is this?
Push the tables together. He said..."
I worked a lot of jobs. I've worked with a lot of people
from all across the world, Russians, Africans, Brazilians.
Russians, they're serious. They're intense people.
They don't play about drinking that vodka.
We were drinking in my room.
One of them passed out. I went to help him.
The other one stopped me. He was like,
[Russian accent] "No. If he dies, he dies."
[normal accent] I was like, "Not in...
"not in my room!
"At least get him in the hallway.
We... I don't need this."
I like working with the Africans.
They work hard. They some hard-working people.
Their accent's a little strange 'cause everything
they start off with, the words are real loud,
then they get smaller.
Like, they'll see you, and they'll be like,
[African accent] "Oh, yes, Clayton,
"I have wondered, can you come with me right now?
I must go to the"... [inaudible whispering]
[normal accent] "What'd you say at the end?"
And I also learned if you ever hear 'em
and they just start saying vowels,
they don't use none of the rest of the alphabet,
it's something serious about to happen.
If you ever walk in on 'em and they,
[African accent "A! A, e!
"I, u! I, u!
"I, o, u! I, o, u!
"I, I, o. O. O."
[normal accent] I was like, "Oh, man.
"When he said, 'O, ' I left. I was like,
'I got to go because'"...
Ladies, all right, I see y'all in here,
it's some... we got some cougars.
I see the cougars.
Yeah, I like y'all cougars.
You just have to make adjustments.
They not gonna say the cool slang that you used to.
They just know the slang from back in they day.
You might get in the room with her,
and she look at you like, "All right,
now, take off them britches."
Britches?
Wait a minute.
What's... what are we doing?
I think the key to talking to women, though,
like, you have to... fellas, we got to slow down.
We got to be political.
When they ask you questions you don't have the answer,
dude, slow 'em down like a politician.
She come in, "Where were you? What do you..."
[imitating Barack Obama] Hold on.
First of all,
let the record show,
I pay the bills in here, all right?
Now, you asked me a question,
I intend on answering it.
I was gone, I was out, now I'm back.
That's my time. Clayton English,
appreciate y'all.
[cheers and applause]
Clayton English, everybody. Make him feel good.
Good job, Clayton.
[cheers and applause]
We get it, we get it. You hated him.
Now, Norm, Clayton has made it
all the way to the top of the mountain.
Do you want to push him off?
Oh, no, no, no.
I have no doubt that we've made the right choice
in keeping Clayton as one of the top five.
I like how you move on the stage,
- like a boxer, you know? - Yeah.
I don't know if it's subconscious,
but it's a really cool timing that you use
with your entire body. It's interesting to watch.
You know, I was in the zone
where I couldn't really think of criticisms
'cause I was just enjoying the set.
Awesome. Thank you.
How about you, Roseanne?
I like how Norm said it was a boxing thing.
It is. He was doing all that stuff,
you know, he's like, fighting.
Well, even... even now he's...
Look, he's, like, waiting for a decision.
[laughter]
He's got heart.
He's got the heart and the love for sure.
Thank you so much.
Keenen, how'd you feel about Clayton?
Well, you know, in between the other comics,
we were having this discussion about the audience
and, you know, the spot that they were in
and, you know, how it affected the set,
and I said, "Clayton is gonna come out
and change the energy of the room."
- I don't care where I go. - Exactly.
I just want to go, like...
That's right. That's right,
and you always start every set the same way.
You come out, you smile at the audience,
you go, "Let's do this," and it's...
[laughter]
And, you know, like Norm said, there's nothing to critique
when the audience speaks like they did,
so congratulations.
- Clayton English, everybody. - Thank y'all so much.
Clayton English.
Whoo!
I know my ability, I know what I'm able to do onstage.
Three of the comedy legends just gave me all positive feedback.
Just coming out here and bringing it
like how I do, it felt great.
Tonight we've seen five of the best comics
from around the country
take the mic and show us what they got.
Now we're moments away from revealing
who will be crowned champion.
He went with material that's so different.
You're gonna get a reaction
- for sure. - Yeah.
That guy's way better.
- Yeah, uh-huh. - And then
it felt like her material was better.
- Yeah. - She does, like, clever jokes
- and acts like a kid. - Right. Right.
It's gonna be really tough.
Absolutely.
How do I feel?
I feel like I had fun.
It's nice that I've gotten to know America
and America's gotten to know me.
Could I be that one like Neo in the Matrix?
Like, that would be awesome.
If I win, with an NBC development deal,
I could create a show.
Being here as a finalist, no one expects it.
Did Gandhi think he'd be Gandhi?
No.
If I win this competition, I'm the champion,
and no matter what, I have accomplished something
that a whole lot of people haven't accomplished.
[cheers and applause]
We started with 100 comedians.
Five remain, and in just a moment,
we will anoint our new comedy king or queen.
But before I announce the winner,
I want to risk ruining everything
by hearing from our judges one last time.
[laughter]
Keenen, kick it off.
I have nothing but love for each of you.
You guys came out here, you fought for yours,
you shared your soul with the audience,
and we love you for that.
Unfortunately, only one can walk away with the prize,
but each of you still have your careers ahead of you,
and stardom awaits.
[cheers and applause]
Roseanne?
Well, you know, out of 100, you made the top 5.
That's pretty awesome.
You're just the cream of the crop, all of you.
Congratulations.
[cheers and applause]
Norm?
I think that all you guys are great,
and it's good that you competed in this
because stand-up is, like, the most competitive art form
that exists, so this'll help you.
Congratulations.
[cheers and applause]
All right, it's time for the results,
so let's get to it.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
And now, the winner of $250,000, a TV deal,
and the title, Last Comic Standing, is...
Clayton English.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
I just won "Last Comic Standing."
It's an amazing feeling.
I can't describe this feeling right now.
Congratulations to everyone.
♪ ♪
I'm the Last Comic Standing.
I was happy to be in the five, period,
but this just put me so much further
than I could have even imagined.
And there you have it.
For Roseanne Barr, Keenen Ivory Wayans,
and the great Norm Macdonald, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
Thank you for tuning in.
See you next season on "Last Comic Standing."
Announcer: You can catch more of Clayton
tonight on "Late Night with Seth Meyers,"
tomorrow on the "Today Show,"
and don't forget to visit NBC.com
for details on the "Last Comic Standing" tour
featuring the final five comics.
That was a great season.
Sync and corrections by peterbrito www.addic7ed.com