NARRATOR: Tonight, the dos and don'ts of social etiquette
in births, deaths and weddings.
This is How Not To Behave.
(Cheering and applause)
- Hello. I'm Matt Okine. - And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not To Behave, the show that teaches you
exactly what you've been doing wrong all these years.
In this time of self-obsession,
good behaviour has gone right out the window.
And it's our belief that if we all simply had more respect for others,
as displayed by our manners, then we could be a much happier society.
When you're a kid, your parents are all up in your grill with rules.
They're like, 'Oh, you can't wear shorts as a hat,'
or 'Don't put cheese in the toaster,'
or 'Stop licking the dog, Matt.'
It's like, 'Whatever, Dad.'
But the world has changed since your childhoods
and now no-one tells you the rules.
They just expect you to somehow know
and then send you rude tweets if you stuff up.
Did you know I got a tweet once and it said,
'Could you be any more pathetic?'
And I wrote back, 'Yes.'
(Laughter and applause)
Very cool.
Tonight we're focussing on the biggies --
birth, death and marriage.
But what are the rules today
when divorced people remarry,
gays and straights marry?
And in the UK, a woman is planning on marrying a tree.
That is true.
- What? - I know.
Apparently they're very much in love and just to substantiate that story,
I want to tell you, the tree's name is Tim.
(Laughter)
Do you know what would suck the most about that, honestly,
is that you'd always have to go over to their house.
(Laughter)
Weddings are the biggest etiquette minefield of all time, OK?
The marriage is about the happy couple,
but the gift, oh-ho, that's all about you.
It indicates how well you know the bride and groom,
how much of a tight-arse you are,
and if you even deserve to be there in the first place.
Yeah, that's true.
What are the rules of wedding gifts? Let's take a look.
So, I reckon we should write,
'Jim and Cindy are getting hitched and you're invited'.
'Hitched' or should we just say 'married'?
I'm just trying to make it fun.
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, married couples would be given useful gifts
to help them build a life together.
Nowadays, couples live together for years before marriage
and have everything they require,
so there's a tendency to ask for something else.
How about 'Your presence is our present
so don't bring anything'?
Yeah-no, we're dropping 12 grand on the reception.
They can give us cash.
If you must mention money in your invite, be subtle.
Alright, well, what about... Here.
'We don't expect a gift,
but if you'd like, you may donate to our wishing well.'
A cutesy poem requesting money for your honeymoon is never appropriate.
'Our honeymoon will cost a lot, I know we shouldn't ask,
but if you gave us $200 each, then we could fly first class.'
Nailed it.
And when the big day comes,
remember, it's a wedding, not a fundraiser.
No, it's been rejected.
Despite the fact that most people feel obliged
to get you a wedding present,
it's recommended to express your gratitude in public.
Just... I just wanted to thank you all for your generous contributions.
It really is truly appreciated, so, thank you.
(Applause)
But avoid being too specific.
I just... I just wanted to single out Aunt Judy
for getting us the DSLR camera,
with the additional telescopic lens.
Sitting comfortably at $1,200,
that thing is easily the most expensive thing on the registry,
so let's just give her a big round of applause, please.
To Judy, everyone!
(Women shriek)
Deciding how much to spend on a wedding gift is a tricky issue.
(Wind whistles)
A good rule is to spend
exactly how much you plan to consume at the wedding.
$100 entitles you to a three-course meal and a house wine all night,
and a gift valued at over $500
entitles you to all of the above,
plus a seating upgrade to the main table.
But remember, if you give a gift
which is worth less than the paper it's wrapped in,
you forfeit everything.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Many of you may not realise this, but there's actually an equation.
You're meant to give the amount of money
that you think the catering will cost for you,
but I think that's just so backwards,
because how do you know how much you'll consume?
- Yeah. - I think it should be like yum cha.
You know, you go, you get a little list,
and when you eat something, you just tick it,
and then you pay when you leave.
No, have you been to yum cha?
You have, like, 3 things and you owe $1,000 at the end.
But I just don't like this whole giving cash thing anonymously.
I'm all about the cash. Hun-jee bucks straight down.
- No, but how do they know... - No thinking.
Who else is a hun-jee? Come on, hun-jee! Hun-jees!
- (Applause) - Hun-jee crew!
What if the relationship won't last?
I want to do it in instalments, OK?
(Laughs) Just a little bit...
I want to do a little bit of a deposit,
and then I'll catch up with them every five years
and then pay the rest of the money.
- Sure. So, like, lay-by, basically. - But I don't want to own them.
When the lay goes bye, that's when it all ends.
- (Laughter) - Now...
How is it possible someone that young can do a dad joke?
(Laughter and applause)
I'll do it and I'll do it again, goddamnit!
Cash or gift. The question is how much do people actually spend?
Alright, now, we commissioned a poll
on what Australia spends on wedding presents,
and we found out 14.4% spend less than $50,
69.9% spend hun-jee or less,
and then 5.6%, Gretel,
spend more than the two-hunj.
Dropping a double avocado down.
Right now, in WA...
.. home to the world's highest concentration
of self-made millionaires per capita,
23.9% of Western Australians
surveyed spend less than 50 bucks on a wedding...
- That's why they're millionaires. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Nowadays, though,
one in three Aussie weddings is a destination wedding,
- which kills me the most, OK? - Why?
Because people are getting to tie the knot overseas,
and it costs a fortune for you to just attend, right?
Yeah, planes, getting there, hiring a suit, alright?
And then you got to find accommodation,
and then you get there and they're like,
'Oh, just donate to the wishing well.'
How about, 'Nuh-uh'?
How about no more money, alright?
If you're having a wedding overseas,
then we should pay in local currency.
That's what I reckon. Know what I mean?
'Oh, you're having a Thailand wedding? That's great.
Here's 100 baht. There you go. There's $3.50 for you, champ!'
You know, I'm kind of the opinion,
if you want to have a wedding overseas,
you should pay for your guests to attend.
That... Yes. That is true as well, OK?
- Then I'll drop the hun-jee. - (Applause)
The average Australian wedding,
just by the way, costs $36,000.
You used to be able to buy a house with that much.
Now you can just, like, buy a hose for your garden,
but anyway, do you know, I knew a girl who was...
She didn't cut costs before the wedding,
but afterwards, two days afterwards,
she was on eBay selling the gifts she didn't want.
No!
To be honest, I would actually love to be the bride at a wedding,
or just any time, because it seems to me like brides,
they get away with anything.
- You'd be a beautiful bride. - I would.
I don't disagree with you there.
We sent our intrepid reporter Zoe Coombs Marr out onto the street
to find out in a How Not To Behave social experiment.
Hi. Do you mind if I have a cupcake? I haven't got any money on me.
- I'll give you a cupcake. - Oh, thank you.
Can I get a free sample of something?
I'll give you a jar of honey.
Oh, a jar of honey? That's great.
- Can I just pick which one I want? - Yeah.
Alright, I'll grab that. Thanks.
Would I be able to get one of those?
I haven't got a wallet on me, though.
(Man laughs)
- But it's my wedding day. - (Laughs) I'm sorry.
- No? - I'm sorry, sorry.
Excuse me, guys. Sorry, you don't mind if I cut in, do you?
I'm just... in a hurry! (Laughs)
Could I just get a sandwich with all the white things on it?
All the white things?
So, like, just some cheese, a bit of egg, and some chicken.
Can I just get that for free?
Oh, thank you so much! Thanks, guys.
Could I get a lemonade as well? Is that OK?
Great! Thank you so much.
Excuse me, do you mind if I sit there?
- Not a problem. - Thank you so much!
- Would you mind if I have a cigarette? - Thanks so much.
Are you gonna finish that, uh... that banana bread?
Thank you.
Actually, do you mind if I just call my mum quickly?... Thanks.
I'm just not really sure if I should go through with it.
He's got that weird, like, back hair thing.
Well, what if he does go bald?
His dad is bald and I don't wanna, like, end up with some bald guy.
Once the ring's on the finger, you know, what are you gonna do?
(Laughs) Oh, were you?
Oh, thank you.
I'm the best!
(Applause)
Isn't that fantastic?
I've never been a bride. You have before.
Can you get away with anything?
Oh, look, you know, I would actually like to drive my car
with just wedding ribbons on it all the time,
just white wedding ribbons, because people wave at you,
they smile, they want to take your photo, but that reminded me.
You know, the guy who didn't want to give the sausage,
it reminded me when I had a builder once
who made me pay the invoice, like, an hour after he sent it
because he said I reminded him of his ex-wife.
- (Mouths) - (Laughter)
She was obviously a really great person.
(Laughter)
Now, Matt, the wedding is all about the bride.
Is there a special man's day?
No, I don't feel like there is.
I mean, I...
Like, the best I get is the restaurant --
my favourite restaurant down the road
gives me a free sake if it's my birthday.
- Yep. - That's about it.
And I've celebrated my birthday three times this year,
but that's as much as... like, as far as it goes.
- They don't recognise you the second and third time? - No.
Do you think they drink too much sake themselves?
(Laughs) Every time.
No, they just think that me, and Waleed Aly, and Nazeem Hussain
all go to the same restaurant.
Actually, they possibly think you're all the same person.
Yeah.
So, after the wedding, OK, the next major milestone is the divorce.
Oh, Matt! So cynical.
Well, that's... or childbirth -- maybe childbirth,
and childbirth in particular
is an area where a man's role has changed so much over time.
And you know what, if he gets it wrong,
the pain of childbirth can really last a very long time.
Let's take a look.
Calm down. I've got Enya on CD for you.
NARRATOR: There are few moments in life more terrifying
than having your first child, especially for men.
Just remember what they said at Calm Birth, OK?
- You weren't at Calm Birth! - Yeah, but I read your notes.
It is the man's responsibility to handle directions.
- Paediatric ward, is that us? - No. No.
No, no, course not, course not!
- The baby's not here yet, so... - Oh, my God!
OK, so, if it's a boy, Rupert, and if it's a girl, Lucy.
No, I never agreed to those stupid names!
But Rupert's my dad's name,
so I really don't know what you're trying to say here.
I'm trying to say that I hate those names!
Being in labour is the woman's primary focus,
so avoid arguments that can easily take place later.
- Hi, Doctor. Do you know where... - No, I can't...
Not upsetting your partner
is of paramount importance on this special day.
(Screams)
Photography is acceptable,
but only if it has been pre-approved in the birth plan.
- Labour selfie! - (Groans)
But overuse of technology is to be discouraged.
Good luck, sweetie. Don't push too hard.
- You don't want a tear. - DOCTOR: It's crowning.
- Oooh, here we go. Here we go. - (Screams)
- Here we go! - (Screams)
Oh, look at that, Mum. You can see the head.
Women have a lot to worry about on the day.
Men, however, have one primary task.
OK, I got, 'Rupert Marcus McEvoy,
born June 14, 9:34pm, 3.8kg.
Mum and bub are doing well.'
What do you reckon?
- That's not his name. - I don't like the name either.
Well, it's sent, so... that's what his name is.
(Applause)
I can't believe that the text is the only thing
that the guy is responsible to do.
Like, I feel like I would stuff it up immediately.
- Why? - I feel like I would...
I would try and send it and just have no credit.
- (Laughs) - Or something like that, do you know?
Or, like, my autocorrect would ruin me.
Like, I'd be, like, 'Hey, we just had a baby called Nipple Tray.'
You know, and that's how it would have to be forever.
Yeah, look, I think it's maybe there
because it's just to give men something to do,
and also because a lot of women might be on various drugs
and so they're not compos mentis in terms of sending a text.
I heard of a couple
and they named their baby after the father and the mother,
John and Veronica -- Vejonica.
- Oh! - (Audience exclaims)
But another woman had a more positive experience
and she called her child Mazin, after 'amazing'.
Is it a guy's place to be in the birthing room?
Well, it's interesting, 'cause my husband was present,
and he kept saying, 'Breathe, breathe.'
And I thought, 'You know what, I really won't forget to do that.'
(Laughter and cheering)
- Well, what are we supposed to do? - I don't know -- shut up?
Send a text, that's it? Come on!
Take drugs, give us cash -- I don't know.
Well, Gordon Ramsay, OK, he's missed the birth...
(Laughter)
Well, he's an example 'cause he missed the birth
of all four of his children.
- Thank God! - He's happy to admit it.
Because he thought, OK, and this is a quote from him,
he thought that his sex life 'would be damaged by images
like something out of a science-fiction movie...'
(Audience exclaims)
'.. skinned rabbits and conger eels coming at me from everywhere.'
If I was a baby and I was popping out and I saw Gordon Ramsay,
I'd be going right back in.
(Cheering and applause)
Gordon would probably treat you like a steak if you were his baby.
He'd be like, 'Nah, get back in there for two minutes.'
- That is so... - 'You're under done.'
That is so tasteless!
There are rules, you know. Even in death, there are rules.
Yes, there are, so let's have a look at funeral etiquette.
And of course, Dennis wasn't just my husband.
He was a father, brother.
He was a friend and he was a son.
(Rock music plays in earphones)
I will miss him, of course.
(Sings)
Daniel! Daniel?!
Get down!
NARRATOR: Comforting the bereaved is never easy,
and it's natural to worry about saying the wrong thing.
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
You may even consider a nonverbal, tactile approach.
Above all, resist the urge to brighten the mood.
Plenty more fish in the sea, though, right?
It is also important to refrain from making it all about you.
I just can't believe he's gone.
I just feel like part of me is missing.
Oh, I know, I know exactly how you feel.
How could you know how I feel?
Well, Steve was away at a conference last weekend, ALL weekend,
and I had the kids.
I thought, 'I don't know how I'm gonna get through this!'
Oh, but I did. I did.
He got back. It was fine.
Tomorrow's our anniversary. I really am very blessed!
(Sobs)
It's OK. He came back. I'm OK.
If you are a close family member of the deceased,
you may be invited to toss a handful of dirt into the grave.
If you are merely a casual acquaintance,
then this activity is strictly off-limits.
Should I throw some dirt on your dad?
Hey!
Delivering a eulogy can be challenging.
It is good to be honest about the deceased person,
but this is no time to settle old scores.
Stacey beat me at everything.
She always had the better grades and the better job.
She got married and had kids
while I got retrenched and had to go back into training.
But the star that shines the brightest also fades the fastest,
which is why I'm still here and she's dead.
So, suck it, Stacey.
(Applause)
I'm planning on writing my own eulogy and supervising rehearsals,
and quite frankly, if my kids aren't good enough at performing,
I am hiring actors.
But is this bad behaviour?
Well, here to tell us all the ins and outs
of the farewell to the hereafter,
please welcome funeral director Vanessa Jeffrey.
- Hello. - Welcome!
- Hello. - (Applause)
Now, let's start at the very beginning.
Open coffins -- what are the rules of open coffins?
Open coffins are still very... People still want that.
They like to farewell their loved one.
You know, we think the etiquette is not to touch them too much.
- OK, so, you can't hug. - You can, but...
- Can you kiss 'em? - Yeah, absolutely.
And what's the weirdest thing that's happened with an open coffin?
Oh, trying to take them out --
like, lift them and sort of give them a cuddle?
- You know, like, really... - Like, actually, just like...
- Yeah, yep. - .. sort of thing?
'Cause we were wondering if you took the body out of the coffin
if you were just trying to go down one of those...
What are those lanes where you can only have three people in your car?
- Transit lane? - Yeah, transit lane.
- Like Weekend At Bernie's? - Yeah, remake of Weekend At Bernie's.
- With the seatbelt on? - (Laughter)
So, what about what you can wear at a funeral?
Well, I think you should be dressed, you know, appropriately.
Some people go to a funeral
and they're just totally dressed inappropriately.
Like, really short skirts, you know...
Yeah, but you can pick up at funerals.
- Yeah. - People are vulnerable.
What if it's a cremation and it's just hot?
- Well, that's true. - A little bit of breeze!
- They don't do the cremations live. - They used to.
- Did they? - Yeah, they used to have it quite...
It was like they were going into the fire.
You mean like a pizza oven.
No, more of a conveyor belt.
Oh, you've made it sound like such a dream come true(!)
Now, just on what people are wearing, what about branding?
Slogans -- is that acceptable?
Well, the funniest thing that I've ever seen at a funeral
was we were at a burial,
and a man was standing next to myself and my dad
with his T-shirt and it said, 'Shit happens.'
- Well, obviously shit had happened. - (Laughter)
- That's why we were at the graveside. - (Laughs)
What about just etiquette with your phones, you know, Instagram?
- Your selfies, are they OK? - I don't...
Leaning over the casket, a bit of hashies? 'Damn'?
Well, saying a selfie --
I mean, a lot of families have been taking photos with their loved ones
at a family portrait around the coffin for years.
- But they're not going... - No, they're not doing...
- Duck lips! - They're not doing the big...
No, they're not doing the duck lips, but they do do that.
What's the worst behaviour you've seen at a funeral?
Sometimes there'll be somebody who screams louder than the widow.
What, like, sobbing louder?
Yeah, and, 'Arggh', you know,
screaming and stuff like that, and it's sort of, like, 'Oh.'
My first funeral, well, my first and only funeral was when my mum died
and I was 12, and I remember my...
It was, like, you could look at the coffin open,
and my grandmother walked past and looked at my mum,
and just went, 'Well, after 18 years married to a dentist,
he could have at least fixed your teeth,'
and I appreciated that as a 12-year-old.
No, I did! I was like, 'That's true!'
- Have you planned your own funeral? - Absolutely.
- You have? - Tell us all about it.
- I'll be cremated. - Yep.
And I'll have a big party.
Who's going to give the eulogy?
- Hopefully my daughter. - Your daughter.
- Have you written it yet? - No, I won't...
Do you want me to help you write it?
- If you've got time. - It's important.
- We could help each other. - Yeah, we'll do rehearsals.
I'll give you a discount.
Well, speaking of writing things, what about wills?
How often does the will come up, like, mid-funeral?
Well, not so much in a funeral, but more in the arrangements.
You know, they'll say, 'Oh, where's the will?'
You know, and they'll be sniffing around to see what's going on.
Who's got what and what's happening, you know?
- Before it even happens. - Yeah.
They have the funeral director, then they have the real estate agent,
then the solicitor, all in that order.
Oh, you have been fabulous. Thank you for the insight.
- Thank you so much, Vanessa. - (Cheering and applause)
You know, statistics show that the best way
to avoid a dispute over a will
is to cross your 'T's and dot your 'I's, and of course, not die,
but for those of you who are not immortal, here are some rules.
Thank you all for coming today
to the reading of the last will and testament of Ray Macintosh.
NARRATOR: When we die,
it is customary for the dead to leave a set of instructions
with regard to disbursement of their body and worldly possessions.
You should state in your will how you wish your body to be disposed
to avoid your family having to make tough decisions.
This bit's blank.
I think we should cremate him.
I'm pretty sure he wanted to be buried.
One, two, three! Rock breaks scissors.
Fine. Let's burn him.
Remember, it's your money, so you can donate it to any cause you like.
I would like to leave
my five-bedroom house overlooking the beach to...
- .. the Church. - (Sighs)
Seriously, Ray?
The content of your will is up to you,
but it is wise to avoid any requests that may damage your legacy.
And finally there are special instructions here saying,
'I want my funeral to be a celebration
of white suprem... supremacy.'
So, now it's the matter of his $1.2 million property.
He has given me instructions for this.
'I proudly bestow Hudson Manor and the adjoining properties
to Snowflake.'
(Applause)
Well, you know, better leaving it to your cat than your dog.
- A dog will just blow it on poker. - (Laughs)
Did you know that if you die without a will --
this may be a rumour, but I'm spreading it anyway --
the Government decides how your assets get dispersed
and they use an equation on who your relatives are
and how close they are to you,
and they get an appropriate amount of money according to that.
Do you know, I don't care,
because they can have, like, everything I've got.
- Which is nothing? - Exactly. - Yeah.
I have a Facebook page, thank you very much,
and they're welcome to it. I know that they already control it.
What's that thing that Facebook's got for when you die?
It's called Facebook Legacy -- it's a legacy contact.
Right, and you nominate someone that you're friends with --
- and real-life friends with... - Not 'friends'.
Yeah, you didn't meet them on the K-Katz Warez Forum.
You're friends with them
and they manage your account, like, when you die.
So, they're the ones who send out the messages and so on,
which is weird -- it's a weird thing, you know?
If you've seen people who have passed away and they're messaging...
Messages from the grave.
Oh, and they change their profile pic and stuff.
- I love that idea. - It's creepy!
No! It's really... I don't know. It freaks me out.
OK, OK, so, Matt, what have we learnt tonight?
We've learnt don't discuss the will while the body is still warm.
Yes, that's very good. Don't have children with Gordon Ramsay.
Oooh, no!
Or don't have sex with Gordon Ramsay.
- Yes, that's a good starting point. - (Cheering)
Don't invite Western Australians to your wedding
'cause they're pov-arses.
Actually, I'm starting to think you are a 'pov-arse' myself.
- Never said that word before. - (Laughter)
- And you shouldn't ever again. - (Laughter)
I don't know, I thought that was cool.
OK, so, there you go.
For your own sake, mind your manners,
because in the immortal words of Oscar Wilde,
you can miss out on things.
His quote, 'The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.'
Who cares if he used the wrong fork? Just get it in your mouth, Oscar.
Doesn't matter. Just fingers, anything.
Hey, join us next week for more lessons in how not to behave,
your indispensable guide to modern manners.
- Goodnight. - 'Night!