Today, on Judge Jessie.
Judge Jessie turns up the heat.
You signed a piece of paper.
He gave you the snake.
Then you bring a snake into the home with two small chihuahuas.
I had not been made aware that the snake would get rid of its skin,
and then the sprinklers came down with the snakeskin,
ruined my carpet.
What? What set off the sprinklers?
Unrelated popcorn fire, Your Honor.
As a police officer, he defended the streets.
As a trial lawyer...
Objection!
...he fought for the truth.
As a black belt...
...he mastered discipline.
As a carpenter,
he learned the value of craftsmanship.
As a surgeon, he mastered a cool head.
As a crack ho,
he learned to go days without sleep.
And as an announcer,
he does the voice-over on this show.
Coming up, on Judge Jessie.
Mr. Simmons, before you speak, I know from experience
that the police have completely mishandled your case,
and there is legal precedent for you to win,
and any good defense attorney would have told you that.
I also know that obviously the place where you hurt your back
wasn't structurally up to code, Mr. Oyama.
And furthermore, as a sensei, you should know a man of his skill set
cannot do a mike yaki. You should know that.
Obviously, I can tell by looking at your alignment
that you've herniated a disk, someplace in your L4 or your L5.
I'm finding for the plaintiff not $2,500,
$2,700, Mr. Oyama.
Thank you, Your Honor.
You're quite welcome.
Dusty, can I suck your dick?
Crazy crazy
Does is crazy
Make up for adjustment
You jammin' on the verse
First one's planned that you want to do
All I want
But I don't need you
Okay, so give me... Just shout out, like,
a character or, like, an occupation or something.
Okay, yeah. Uh, uh, timid librarian.
Excuse me, sir.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Okay, but you're...
- You're... Cut, cut. - Shh.
- Cut, cut. - Why you cutting library?
Why? Okay. I don't know. Are you Vietnamese?
All right, let me give you one. Let me give you one.
Okay, you are...
Remember, I'm driving, so...
You are a secure construction worker.
Okay, here we go.
You went to Penn State for grad school.
Me? No, I didn't go to Penn State for grad school.
Okay, there he is.
Hello.
I saw him. I saw him.
For that second when we were in it, I saw him.
Damn, that's good.
That is some good shit.
Noah Sanders. Here for the job interview.
Please take a seat. Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Job interviews, huh?
Never fun.
Okay, just...
I get it. Stay focused.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh.
Whoo-hoo!
That was a big laugh.
Oh, No!
- I did it! - No, you didn't!
Jeez.
Is this a job interview or The Carol Burnett Show?
You know what I mean?
Oh, sir, sir, sir.
- Oh, my God, that is too rich. - Oh, well.
Thanks so much for coming in, Adam.
Of course, and you better stay away from that Chinese food there.
Oh, my God, you got that right.
It's done a number on my stomach.
Here's your fortune.
You're gonna be sick in a half hour.
Oh, my gosh, what an absolute delight, Adam.
It's been great, and...
- Can I tell you something real quick? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even care if I get this job
because I know I've made a friend for life.
What a terrific attitude.
What a great, goddamn attitude!
Yup.
You son of a gun.
You know what?
Right quick, before you leave, I want to give you something.
No, sir, I can't take any more gifts.
This whole thing has been a gift.
My brother passed away.
- Twenty-one years ago. - Wow.
We were estranged,
and he became ill.
And he gave this to me as a peace offering.
Oh.
And then one day, we were on the ocean,
he fell overboard on a boat, very much like this one, and died.
I saw him struggling all the way as a riptide just pulled him down.
That bitch ocean.
Would you please accept this as a... As a token
of my gratitude for you bringing joy back into my life?
Under any other circumstance, I would refuse.
But I will accept this gift today
because I know how much it means to you.
So I will.
Thank you.
Ahoy, matey.
"Ahoy, matey."
How is that funny?
Bernadette.
- Are you hearing any of this? - Oh, my God.
This guy. How do you keep a straight face all day?
And she's... Isn't she sweet?
Sweeter than pie. Sweeter than pie.
Oh, my God.
God damn it, I love your fucking energy.
Well, what can I say, sir?
I am solar powered.
Really?
Like... You like that one, huh?
Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
Terrific.
Best interview I've ever been a part of in my entire life.
Okay, who's next?
You? Ready? Let's go. Chop-chop.
Here we go.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
Hoo-hoo!
Hoo!
Requesting permission to come on board, sir.
Hi, Noah Sanders' the name.
Ah, sorry to hear about your brother.
Maybe we could get some Chinese food after this?
All right. All right.
Okay, take it easy.
Jeez, settle down, turbo.
Oh, hold on a second. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, hell no.
He did not just text me he working late.
- That shit is weak. - Okay.
You know what, working late, my ass.
If he don't walk through that door in the next half an hour,
he may as well not even come home tonight
'cause I'm not gonna be there waiting for his cheating ass.
- Okay! - All right, girl?
I ain't playing. You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I will be there, waiting, because...
He gonna have to put up with a lot of shit from me.
Okay.
And if he think he gonna do this shit again,
he is sorely mistaken...
Okay!
Because my man gets one chance.
- Okay. - One.
- Okay! - And then after that,
- he get one more. - Okay.
And then after that, he gonna get three strikes.
- Then you're out. - Okay.
And if I ever find out that my man was messing around on me,
he better get as far away from me as he possibly can
because he do not want to get what I'm gonna give to him.
Okay.
I got my motherfucking real estate license...
Okay.
But if and when he does come home, that's fine.
Okay.
'Cause he can go out
and get all turnt up with these little side hos
and what not 'cause you know what, bitch?
He always gonna come home.
- All right? - Okay.
I'm the queen bee, and he always gonna come home to me.
- You know what? - Okay.
But you know what, but you know what, but you know what?
- I don't even care. - Oh, okay.
But I'll tell you what happen if he do come home.
- Okay. - He ain't gonna be pulling any of that shit
in my house.
Okay.
He can come to the house if he wants to,
but he ain't never gonna do that when I'm home.
- Okay. - You know what?
Even if I'm home, it's fine.
Okay...
- You know what I'm talking about? - Mmm, okay.
'Cause I don't give a good goddamn.
- Okay. - That's what I'm talking about.
But he ain't gonna bring that shit into my bedroom.
- I tell you that much right now. - Okay?
'Cause there ain't no trifling-ass nigga
gonna wake me up while he's cheating on me in my bed again.
Okay.
And I told him. I looked him right in the face.
I said, "This is the fifth and last time that you..."
Okay!
I couldn't have said it better myself, girl. You're right.
Okay.
You just been spouting words of wisdom all evening.
I ain't listening to a...
Goddamn thing you saying.
Okay.
I don't even know what the hell I was thinking, girl. You right.
The second that that man walks through that door,
I'm gonna dump his ass.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
Oh, my gosh, speak of the devil.
Okay.
You know who's... You know who's a good actor, though?
Female-wise and otherwise?
Meryl Streeps.
How you gonna have an entire career and never make a bad movie?
Like, I can't think of a bad Meryl Streep movie.
Some people didn't like... She made a movie in the '80s with Robert De Niro.
Wasn't... Wasn't she in, uh, Weekend at Bernie's?
I don't recall that, Jordan.
Yeah, she was the one that was making out with Bernie,
and they were holding Bernie up, and he was hooking up with her.
That was Streep.
Pretty sure it might have been bizarro Streep, but it was not the regular Streep.
Yeah, people, early on, they'll do some things.
What are you talking about "early on"?
That's not early on in her career.
- Yeah, I mean... - What is wrong with you?
Are you on drugs right now?
Meryl Streep was not in Weekend at Bernie's!
Don't say it again.
- I'm pretty sure she was. - She was not, Jordan.
Jordan.
Hey, dog.
What'd you get up to this weekend, though, dog?
Ah, you know me, man.
Got up all up in that Redbox.
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah? - Yeah.
- You know who's good, though? - Who that, dog?
Robert Downeys Juniors.
Robert Downeys Juniors, though, dog? Which one? Which one?
- Tony Starks, dog. - Tony Starks!
- You mean Tony Starks, Iron Mans? - Yo.
That man be building his own suit and everything
and getting all witty with Pepper Pottsies.
Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's got a glowing heart in that one.
You give that nigga a statue for that alone.
That's right there, man. Whoo!
Definitely, dog, yo, but yo,
another thing about RD Squared real quick?
- Go to it. - Sherlocky Holmes.
Sherlocky Holmesies.
- Sherlocky Holmes. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
When Sherlocksy Holmes is in that pit, and he's fighting that dude.
And then all of a sudden, in his mind,
he made everything go in slow motion.
"I've got to do this, and I got to do this,
"and then statistically I should do this."
And then the cane, and then he went back to real-life speed, and he did it.
- What? - That was my jam.
- That was my jam right there. - That was my jam.
He knew what was going to happen using statistics!
And then remember that one scene,
where he woke up in his neighbor's daughter's bed,
- and he was all on drugs and shit? - Oh, yeah!
Yo.
No, no, that was RD Squared in real life, though, right there.
It was. It was. It was. He was good in that one, though.
- He was good in that one. - That was very realistic, yup.
You know who else is good though, dog?
- Who, who, who, who, who? - Vally Kilmers.
Oh, we talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now.
We talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now, dog.
Which one? Which one? Which one?
Which one? Oh, you know, Vally Kilmers in Tombstones.
Oh, what?
What? Come on, man.
That's my shit right there.
- Doccy Hollidays, dog? - Oh, my God. My man's talking about...
"I'll be your huckleberry."
Oh, and they was up in that OK Corral, talking about...
Oh, the shootout?
- Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps. - Buck. Buck.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Oh, you ain't okay.
- Hey, hey. That's my jam right there. - That's my jam.
But what about my boy Vally Kilmers in Willows, though?
Oh.
What about Vally Kilmers in that Willows, though, right?
Vally Kilmers in that Willows, dog, yo!
When he was Madmartigans and they was in that medieval toboggan.
Talking about...
What?
And the little leprechaun talking about, "You are great."
He was magically delicious, dog!
- Magically delicious, dog. - That was my jam.
Oh, but what about Val Kilmers in The Saints? What?
Oh, Vally Kilmers in The Saint.
Vally Kilmers in The Saint, though, what?
When my man, when my man was like...
And, and then, and then he...
And then he was like, he...
I, I didn't see that one.
Just the cover looked enticing.
Yo, yo, you know what I'm realizing right now for the first time?
What's that, dog?
It's like if there was a graph of RD Square...
- Yeah, a graph. - And Vally Kilmers' careers...
- Yeah, yeah. - RD Square would start down here.
Right, and Vally Kilmers would be starting right up here.
And RD Square would get this trajectory going.
Right, and then Vally Kilmers be on this trajectory
- right here like this, right? - And they just making movies.
Making movies. They just making movies. Getting a little crazy.
Just doing a little drugs. Just getting a little bit...
Yup, doing crazy. Making... Still making movies.
And then they meet at this point.
In the same movie.
Which is why the best movie of all time is...
- Kiss Kiss - Bang Bang.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is my shit!
I just like to believe.
You like to believe what?
Maybe there's a place for me where I can be an action star.
Of course there's a place for you where you can be an action star.
Where? What? What could I...
What could I be, an action-star fry chef?
People have this conception that love handles are fat.
They are very difficult to maintain musculature that...
- What are those muscles called? - Hmm?
What are those muscles called?
I'm not a muscologist.
- You're not a muscologist? - Mmm-mmm.
Are those... There's, there's no muscle there. There may be...
I want you to grab. I want you to grab that.
- Yup. - All right. I'm gonna flex it.
- Flex it now. - Okay, hold on.
I got a whole chunk right here.
Just like a chunk about the size of six donuts right here.
Listen, I'm sorry.
- You all right? - Thanks, bro.
Okay.
We all know it's not muscle.
- We know that. - Thanks.
Decker.
Agent Jackson, you'll be working with him on this mission.
Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like orders and I don't play by the rules.
I trust you heard of me.
Actually, no, I haven't.
Oh, hubba hubba.
We don't have much time.
The Arachnid agents have taken over the consulate.
We need to get you in and resolve this from the inside.
We've taken the latest sitrep of the hostile's position
and we've reconstructed a holographic blueprint of the consulate.
Save the mouth squirt for the new recruits, General.
Not gonna by impressed by any fancy...
Technology!
It's just a 3-D representation.
Pretty standard these days.
All right.
I know what it is.
Agent Jackson,
you will enter through this AC duct on the south side
- of the building. - Yes, sir.
Decker, you will be dropped on top,
and then you will gain access through this elevator shaft.
We want you to go down to the fourth floor.
Make...
Decker.
You okay?
Yeah. Heard everything you said.
Elevator shaft. Mmm-hmm.
It's bright.
Yeah, it's bright.
The terrorists are located on the third and fifth floor of the building.
Each floor has six groups of six men.
What we're gonna want you to do is stop in the middle
of the fourth and pry open the elevator door and go...
I just want you to move through that elevator door and then go down...
Pry open...
Elevator door. Go down to the third floor...
Okay, maybe this isn't gonna work out.
Why? What's the matter, General?
Everybody's putting their hand in the laser.
It's not a laser.
It's a hologram.
Tomato, tomato.
Look, what's with all the babysitting and handholding?
Papa's a big boy.
Let's zoom into the interior.
Yeah, let's zoom in.
Oh, boy!
Let's cut to the chase. Why am I here?
Your primary target is your old rival from the Cold War, Nikoli Androkovich.
- Now, Androkovich has been leading... - He's here!
What? Jackson! Jackson!
Damn it.
Good job, Decker.
Jackson was an undercover agent for Arachnid.
How in the world did you know?
Ain't my first rodeo.
Hot!
In my day, we made coffee hot.
Well, we were behind each other in line
at the grocery store and...
It was silly, but I dropped a can of peas and he bent over to pick them up for me and...
That's where it started.
What can I say?
It was love at first sight.
We've been together ever since.
Well...
Yes, she always has had her own way of doing things.
Okay.
- I see what's going on here. - Honey.
You don't approve of our engagement.
- No, they're not like that. - I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Yes, they are like that.
Look at their faces.
There's no point in trying to reason with folks
who can't appreciate the differences in others.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Honey, wait.
I cannot believe that you would bring a colored man into our house.
He's gone now.
How about this?
Why don't they just make the movie that
got straight Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington,
- and Morgan Freeman in the same movie? - Make the movie.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. - Extra Oscars.
Everybody just then straight getting extra Oscars from...
Yeah, talking about three wise men now.
- Blip, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. - Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
That would be my jam.
Nobody would be paying attention to Jesus.
They'd just be looking at the wise men.
That movie is clutch.
Oh, yeah.
Your Honor, I do have a Polaroid of the snake playing with my dogs.
There was no sign of aggression.
Do you have the Polaroid here?
- I don't have it here with me but... - Sir.
But I also have the movie tickets.
- The movie we went to see... - You want a hummer, Dusty?
The murder. It was Thor 2.
I could take it all in. I could take the whole thing.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll