I can't believe this is happening.
Will Freeman is my offering
to Oakwood Middle School's Career Fair.
Tomorrow I'm the kid who brings in the coolest guy ever
for career day.
Everybody's gonna love my offering.
You know, you got to stop saying that word-- "offering."
It makes me think that you're gonna, like,
sacrifice me at an altar, all right?
this is the altar.
No, it's your booth.
It's all about you and your legendary career
as the coolest musician of all time.
Marcus, is that my high-school yearbook picture
inside a glitter peace sign?
You're welcome. Oh, look.
Kids can stick their head through and take a picture,
and it's like they're you.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. It's all right, man.
No, I get it. Totally, it's a cool thing.
I mean, there's pink glitter in my hair,
A lot of pink glitter.
Have I ever worn pink glitter in my hair?
This booth's gonna be the talk of career day.
I mean, just look at all these other snooze fests.
- Yeah. - Tax attorney...
Pet groomer, architect, antivirus expert.
What?
Oh, no offense.
I mean, I'm sure your booth is terrific.
It's not.
All right, well, I'm gonna go pick up an extension cord
and plug this bad boy in.
Wait. W-what does that mean?
Hey, how're you doing.
This is what I'd look like if I was a flamboyant muppet,
you know what I mean?
Will?
Hey, Liz, hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
This is my son, Clay.
Clay, what's going on, man? I'm a big fan of your mom's.
So, um, why are you at my school?
Oh, I'm setting up my career booth, yeah.
So you have a kid?
No. My friend Marcus goes here.
So your friend in middle school?
Friend-- well, he's my neighbor.
It's--it's complicated.
Will is a songwriter.
Yeah. You're into music?
Yeah, yeah, I'm into music. What'd you write?
Well, I, uh--I wrote a song called Runaway Sleigh.
The Christmas song. Wow, okay.
Well, in that case, congrats on your one holiday song,
oh, and your complicated relationship with a child.
You know, you really know how to pick 'em, Liz.
- Hmm. - Thanks, man.
Great to meet you.
Wow. He's funny.
- Yeah. - Yeah, he's kind of sarcastic.
He's got that thing going on, a little bit hurtful.
He never likes anyone I date,
although I guess I was hoping it would be different with you.
You don't understand.
I'm gonna make Clay realize
that you are dating the coolest guy in town.
I hope so.
Coolest guy in town.
Let there be light!
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
Oh, dude! What are you doing?
What's up roomie.
Hey, that is a word I never want to hear
as a 35-year-old man.
"Roomie," stop it. What are you doing?
What am I doing? Laurie's over there at Fiona's
having a doula session, which I'm still not allowed to attend
on account of that fact that we're not speaking.
It's so unfair.
You hate her doula sessions.
I can't believe she's not talking to me yet.
All I did was get super drunk and then blow
our future baby's college fund on racist stage illusions.
It's bad. Now that I say it, it's very bad.
Can we just stop talking about you for once?
I'm having an actual crisis.
I've met Liz's son, and I'm telling you right now,
he was super mean to me.
- That's your crisis? - Yes.
Isn't winning over the undying love
of middle schoolers your specialty?
He's different, okay?
Clay is so cool, Andy,
and he met me in front of this uber-dorky booth
that Marcus made me.
I got to take back the booth.
Do you hear yourself sometimes?
I'm gonna make the booth so awesome, so, so awesome.
And then Clay's gonna think I'm awesome,
and he's gonna tell his mom, reaffirming the fact
that I am the greatest boyfriend ever.
And then we're gonna get you a shower,
general hygiene products, and a furnished one-bedroom,
and my life will be perfect.
Damn it! The raccoons are back in the wall.
- I'm gonna get the shovel. - Those aren't raccoons.
That's my pregnant wife.
And that's the sound she makes right before I lose a fortune
and 18 years of my life.
It's baby time.
I'll still get the shovel.
And breathe, and we're having a baby.
Well, you're having a baby, but I'm assisting,
and once that happens, I'm gonna be a certified doula.
Right, Pure Moods I or Pure Moods II?
Both? Both? Both? Yes, both.
Oh look baby, here's your father.
He spent your college tuition on racist magic tricks.
Out of going to magic school and following my dreams.
Your mommy's a dream murderer.
Hey, hey, don't say that! No, no, no, no.
You've got to use lovely, positive words
to welcome this baby into a peaceful space.
Lovely words like "love" and "harmony"
and "certified doula."
Dream murderer. Dream murderer.
Get away from my belly. Ah!
Oh, guys, enough, okay?
I am having an actual crisis here.
Do 13-year-olds still like Doritos?
What?
Why is this taking so long?
I usually shoot these puppies right out.
The last time, the doctor nicknamed my birth canal
"The Slip'n Slide," remember?
This baby better not have inherited
your procrastinator gene.
Me? You're the one who's genetically incapable
of showing up on time.
- Stop it, stop it. - Oh, that is so--
Enough fighting. The more you fight,
the more stressed Laurie gets,
and the longer it's gonna take till baby o'clock.
You're baby-blocking me.
I'm not baby-blocking you.
- Get out! - That-- - I'm Here.
- I'm not going anywhere. - Get out of my hospital room!
That's not what I meant.
Okay, fine. Then I'll curtain-block you.
- What? - No, don't curtain daddy.
You can't curtain-block me. I'm right here. Ha ha ha!
- Oh! - Good-bye.
Still here.
- Out. - No.
- Huh? - Give me this curtain.
This is my curtain!
Definitely don't tug-of-war in mid-labor.
Her bed's moving!
Stop it!
Oh!
Fine, you win. I'll be in the waiting room.
Not together.
Suck it.
You took everything down,
even the photo of Sriracha meeting Paula Abdul.
Look, buddy, I loved your booth,
but I started to feel like it was so much about me
and not enough about songwriting.
I don't know. It felt like I was showing off.
I think people would've had a lot of fun
with the Will cutout strumming the guitar.
I'm sure they would have. I'm sure they would have.
But you know my motto-- Modesty is the best policy.
I thought your motto was "Deep conditioning isn't just for women."
Well, it isn't, but, you know,
every man should have two mottos.
All right.
It is pretty cool
that you brought in all your guitars just for my career day.
Right? But listen, this is a big day.
I know it's important to you.
All right?
What up, my Clayer? That's "Clay" and "player."
I combined them. That's what I did.
Yep, mm-hmm, clever. Hey.
Hey, Marcus, this is Liz my girlfriend's son.
We have math together.
Oh, right. Hey, Marvin.
We're not close.
Hey, Clay, you left your lunch in the car.
Whoa. Your booth is looking good.
Tell you that, yeah.
Is it? Analog instruments, really?
Look, all good music nowadays is electronic, all right?
Calvin Harris, Tiesto, Skrillex, they're the future.
Well, I love Tiesto. I mean, they're awesome.
That goes without saying.
Tiesto is one guy.
Yeah that's what I meant.
I-I said "they" because I don't believe in gender.
You know what?
I think I put too much pressure on you.
You guys don't have to get along.
Oh, man.
I gotta go work.
All right, well, listen, I got a plan, okay?
- Okay. - It's a good one.
I'm gonna take care of it all, all right?
All right, I need a plan.
Hey, thanks for delivering this on such short notice.
I really appreciate it.
And we appreciate you paying the $500 rush fee.
Hey, no problem.
If it's going to impress the coolest kid in school, it is worth it.
He's even got a cool-kid name--Clay.
God, I'm intimidated just saying it.
Tiesto's gonna sound great on this.
You know, Tiesto's just one guy.
Okay.
Hey, you guys know a kid named Clay?
Hey, careful with that. That's a rental.
Hello, I've recently been stabbed in the heart
by my best friend and left in the dust
for his girlfriend's cooler and more popular son.
Yeah, I feel you.
My girlfriend left me for a programmer.
Programmers get all the play.
Mind if I talk to you in an effort to make him jealous?
As long as you take a pamphlet,
I don't care what your motivations are.
Oh, Walter, you are hilarious!
You have the best booth at the whole fair,
and I love being your new best friend
and confidant!
I know none of this is real.
But it's still nice to hear.
And since we're getting close,
I should be honest with you.
I've never had a girlfriend. There, I said it.
It feels good to talk to someone finally.
All right, Laurie,
get ready to be doula'd.
Hi, Laurie. How you feeling?
Oh, terrible.
I thought Andy being gone was gonna speed things up.
Oh, dear. Oh, God.
Oh, look, Andy left his jacket.
Oh.
Ooh, what's that?
Oh, what is it?
Looks like it's a list of ways to earn $10,000.
Oh, my God.
He's trying to earn back the money he blew on those magic tricks.
Aw!
And look at the last one that he circled-- "Donate plasma."
You know, I did see him signing some forms in the waiting room.
Looks like he's willing to sell part of his body
to provide for your unborn child.
Aw!
Oh.
You think he's still out there?
Oh, yeah. No, he's--he's there sleeping in the waiting room.
He's just going, "Laurie, Laurie."
I guess if he wanted to come back in, I'd be okay with it.
Are you sure?
- Yeah. - Brilliant.
Ooh, and listen,
probably don't mention the plasma-scheme thing,
'cause you know how men are with their pride...
about their plasma.
Okay.
It's here the baby?
Oh, no, not yet, no. It's quite boring in there.
Not a whole lot to doula.
Laurie's deep in her iPad.
She's looking at magic schools in northern California.
She's looking at magic schools...
Because she's trying to make it up to me.
She wants me back.
Gosh, now you say that, that--
that does make sense, doesn't it?
- I'm gonna go in there. - Oh no, wait, Hold on, hold on.
Because she probably wants it to be a surprise, doesn't she?
I mean, you don't want her thinking you're only going
in there because now you get to go to magic school.
That's good.
Doula'd! Yes.
Hey, Clay, check out my EDM equipment, man.
Naw. I'm good.
I thought it would be fun if we made some beats,
you know, lay down a few tracks.
Would you stop already? Okay, I know what you're doing.
What do you mean?
Music is your baseball.
What?
Okay, the last guy to like my mom was Mike, okay?
Mike heard that I liked to play baseball, so he took me to see the Giants.
Before Mike was Hank, and he saw me playing Mario Kart,
so he took me go-karting.
Before Hank was Jim, and Jim misunderstood a joke I made
and took me to see Man of La Mancha?
Point is, guys always pretend to give a crap about what I like,
so they can hook up with my mom, and then a few weeks later,
surprise, surprise, they don't care about me anymore.
You're right.
Listen, me trying to bond with you is about your mom,
but it's not because I'm trying to hook up with her.
It's because I like her. Like, I really, really like her.
Yeah, my mom's pretty all right.
You are the most important person in her life,
so I thought it would make her happy
if we got to know each other.
That's all I want to do. I just want to make her happy.
Yeah, um...
Yeah, I mean, I guess we can try this out...
For my mom's sake.
You know, I bet Clay wouldn't even like Will
if it wasn't for his flashy booth.
The only thing bonding those two is some fancy DJ equipment.
Walter, you wouldn't happen to know
anything about hacking, would you?
Look at me. What do you think?
Is anybody watching us?
No. Okay, when you get in, just cut the power.
Yeah, okay. I've already gotten
into the school's computer system--easy.
But the power grid is password protected,
so I'm gonna have to use a program
using a binary code system so complex
that it tries 8 million passwords per second.
Isn't that amazing?
But, of course, as you can imagine,
it could take minutes, it could take hours.
I mean, who knows?
And at that point, anyone could catch us.
Oh, my gosh. I've never felt so alive.
Okay, maybe just try the password "Michelle."
You know, that's Principal Goldenrod's wife.
Yeah, I'll try it, but it's not going to be that simple.
Sweet, we're in!
My life is one big anticlimax.
Aw! What?
All right.
Sorry, guys, I think we're having
a little technical difficulty here.
Give us a sec.
What happened?
So...
Bummer about the inexplicable power outage, huh, guys?
Guess it's time for you to return
to your existing social circle
and just never think about the fun you had here ever again.
Hey, um, Will, you know,
me and my mom are going to get burgers after the fair,
and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come.
I mean, I guess that wouldn't totally suck.
Cool, man. I'd really like that.
Burgers? Okay, you know what?
Music is one thing, but a meat-related outing?
Have fun with your new best friend, Clay.
It's an awesome ride, but be warned.
As soon as someone shiny and new comes along,
he'll leave you in the dust.
Marcus, what is going on, man?
I-I-I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you today, but--
Okay, you know what? Just forget it, Will.
I think there's only one thing left to say to you.
What is that?
I'm giving you the finger.
That's not the finger, buddy.
Feel the burn.
That's not it either.
Okay, I get it. I get it.
I'm stupid at everything,
and Clay probably knows how to give the finger correctly.
I do.
Yeah, that's it right there.
Will this nightmare never end?
I-I got to go talk to him.
Is he really your best friend?
Yeah. Like I said, it's kind of complicated.
- I'm so glad you're back. - Me too, honey.
What can I get you?
You want a snack? Do you want ice chips?
No, no, no. No, thanks. How about you?
Are you light-headed at all?
No. Why would I be light-headed, honey?
Yeah, why would he be light-headed.
Oh, Andy, Fiona told me not to say anything, but I have to.
No, I know, I know, I know, and I just wanted to say
thank you so much for enrolling me
in magic school.
Fiona told me, honey.
I didn't enroll you in magic school.
We don't have any money.
Isn't that why you're donating your plasma?
Honey, why would I donate my plasma?
Because-- Fiona said--
Wait. Fiona said--
- Well, the thing is-- - Oh, I know what the thing is.
You wanted a quick fix so that we would get back together,
have the baby, and then you could get
your stupid doula certification.
Well, you know what?
You can't play with people's lives
for your own selfish needs, Fiona.
Well, I mean, I do really, really want
my doula certificate.
I-I mean, it was maybe a bit selfish,
but--but the other thing that's going on here
is that you're too busy fighting to realize
how incredibly lucky you are to have each other.
Do you know where Marcus's dad was when he was being born?
He was in Antarctica.
He wanted to stay there and watch the birth of an albino penguin
rather than see the birth of his own child.
I would have loved to have someone who loved me by my side,
and the fact that you're choosing
not to be with each other is a bit of a slap in the face
for those of us that didn't actually have a choice.
Honey.
She's right.
I know.
We're so lucky to have each other.
We have each other.
We may drive each other crazy, but we have each other.
- I love you. - I love you too.
It's happening! Doula!
Let's remember--
- Help! - It's coming!
Yes, it is. Right, right, right.
Now!
Turn your "ow" into "wow."
There you go.
Waah!
You must ride the wave of each contraction.
Be the birther/surfer.
What?
Oh.
Hey, bud, I didn't know you played basketball.
Been looking everywhere for you.
You know, I'm a big fan of the "stew and swish."
Yeah.
Not so great at the swish.
Well, keep working at it.
Look, you know, I'm sorry about this whole Clay thing.
You know, I--we do so much awesome stuff together,
I felt like it would be okay just this once
if I did some cool stuff with somebody else.
No, you know what? It's fine. I understand.
Clay's just a more natural fit for you.
I've never seen the top of the backboard
down onto the rim.
You know,
he's an awesome DJ.
He knows everything about S&M.
you see? He's just-- he's more your speed.
Look, Marcus, listen, buddy, he's not replacing you, man.
He could never do that.
It's just--It's really important to Liz that I get to know him.
Wait, this whole thing today, it was--it was for Liz?
Yeah, of course.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
- There you are. - Yeah.
Clay mentioned something about you tagging along with us
for some burgers?
Yes, um, here's the thing--
- He can't wait. - I can't?
Nope, I promised the computer virus guy
that I'd hang with him.
You know, I was actually worried
Will would have nothing to do this afternoon,
so thanks for taking him off my hands.
Sure.
Look at that, I'm open.
All right, let's go get some double-doubles.
- Yeah. - Here you go, buddy.
I'll see you.
This game is impossible.
Can I hold her, Mom?
You have absolutely no experience holding babies.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but let me have her.
Nope, you're never getting your fat, sausage-y fingers
on this child.
What are you--I have nice hands.
They're manly yet delicate.
C-can I hold my baby?
No, this is really woman's work, actually, Andy.
I pushed her out of my vagina. Can I hold her?
I am the doula.
- Fiona, honestly-- - Mom, come on.
I pushed her out of my vagina, so I should be able to hold her.
This is kidnapping. I'm calling the cops.
- You're hogging her. - Come on, Mom.
You got to cut the cord. Let somebody else hold her.
This is kidnapping. It's literally kidnapping.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com