[Doorbell dings]
Oh, hey, Shea.
I don't see you smiling like that first thing in the morning.
Did something bad happen to Taylor Swift?
No, the Region 7 movie is coming out tonight.
Based on the amazing post-apocalyptic graphic novel?
Oh, I see.
I tend to stick to the more pre-apocalyptic stuff.
According to the Internet, the movie doesn't even suck.
I'm dying to see it.
Well, as your official boyfriend,
it is my official duty to take you.
Cool. It's only playing in the Megadome in 3-D.
Uh, the Megadome?
Isn't that the place with the $16 tickets?
Plus four for 3-D glasses
and the ungodly markup on popcorn and candy...
Uh, hey, so you walking me to school or not?
Of course.
I am your official boyfriend.
[Quietly] Which is, sadly, an unpaid position.
Boom!
Gobble, gobble. Two more for the gobbler.
You have no idea how much I needed this.
This is amazing. [Mumbling through food] Oh, my God.
Hey, do you want to be alone with the dipping sauces,
or what do you need?
The reason what I call the Kim Jong-Un stage of her pregnancy right now...
She's a ruthless, waddling little dictator
who's denied her people of all food.
On this conflict-free, sugar-free diet.
It's supposed to be good for the baby.
She took the cookies. She took the candy.
Then she came for the ketchup.
You can't take a man's ketchup.
Well, have no fear.
Sit back, relax,
because you've got double-fried hot wings
here at Thunderballs.
We got a beautiful view...
[Rock music playing]
- Of what? - Of Fiona's boyfriend.
What is Mr. Snooty Pants Shakespeare doing at Thunderballs?
Did he get lost on his way to the open-shirt convention?
And who is the hottie?
Actually she is hot. Almost as hot as this Chipotle dipping sauce
I'm about to get into right here.
(Will) Look at his penetrating eye stare.
That's his signature move.
It's like, "are you talking to me, Chris,
or are you trying to eat the skin off of my face?"
Just like I'm eating the skin off of these wings.
Could you stop with the wings for a second here?
This is serious. This is-- this is a potential cheating situation, Andy.
(Andy) Fine.
Dude, he's coming over. He's coming over.
[Laughing]
- Hey. - Hey.
What's going-- this is so weird.
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
Imagine running into you guys here.
Quel coincidence spectaculaire.
This is my colleague Gabriella,
and we were-- we were just heading out.
So enjoy your winged delicacies.
Ciao.
(Chris) Let's go.
[Laughs]
"Colleague," see?
Nothing to worry about.
Are you kidding me? This was no coincidence.
That guy is a liar, liar, pantaloons on fire,
and I am gonna tell Fiona
ze truth!
The fact that it's also
the most epic "I told you so" ever
is just ze icing on the cake.
I called this, Andy. I called this the minute that little man
pranced into Fiona's life.
I called this!
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's My Dog)]
♪ Well, maybe it's the common curse ♪
♪ maybe things get bad before they get worse ♪
♪ I don't want to become someone ♪
♪ who can't live up to what I already done, don't ♪
♪ here comes a comeback ♪
♪ the kid is back, is back on track ♪
♪ and there goes my hero ♪
♪ he's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
[Sighs]
[Pounding] Ow.
What?
I have some news, and it's not good.
I think you should take a seat.
I'm just gonna get right to it, Fiona.
Here it goes:
I was at Thunderballs with Andy tonight,
and we saw something disturbing.
I would imagine you see quite a few disturbing things
at a place called "Thunderballs."
That is true,
but this was uniquely disturbing,
and I would be remiss if I didn't tell you about it.
Did you run into my boyfriend?
Yes, I did.
How did you know-- [Stammers]
How do you know that?
(Chris) Is that Will?
Ah, we meet again, sir.
You know, I'm starting to think
you're getting a bit of a crush on me.
H-how did he-- What--
[stammering] When was--
What's going on?
You move like the night.
So Gabriella runs an education NGO
that I do some consulting with,
and she's only in town for a short while,
so we needed to find a spot to meet
halfway between my school and her hotel.
And whom do I run into?
"Whom" indeed.
It is such a small world, isn't it?
Cosmically speaking, absolutely.
Anyway, I just popped in to say a quick buenas noches.
- Buenas noches. - I got to shuffle off.
I've got a huge day tomorrow. Good night.
Will, I will see you in five minutes.
[Laughs] Just kidding.
- [Chuckles] - Stop stalking me.
Don't touch me. [Fiona and Chris laugh]
All right, see you later, bro.
Bye, guys.
[Laughing]
Okay, we are not buying this for one second.
Buying what?
He's lying to you.
I was there.
He was in a dark corner
talking to a very attractive woman,
leaning in real close to her, like this.
Like he was actually interested in what she had to say?
This is not an interested lean.
This is the sex lean.
I perfected this lean.
I invented this lean.
Chris is not you.
He is sensitive, and he's layered.
The only layers he has--
layer one,
I am a tool boyfriend with a shite-y haircut,
and layer number two, cheating toad.
On the contrary, Chris is a kind, worldly,
sophisticated man whom I love.
Spoiler alert: I love him.
And I am planning a ritual tomorrow night
where I'm gonna tell him just that.
Why are you planning a ritual to tell him you love him?
And--but why do you love him?
We're right together.
He is the almond milk in my chai.
He is the kimchi on my hemp dog.
I'm telling you, the kimchi has gone bad.
Kimchi is meant to go bad, Will.
Fermentation is what produces all of its nutritional benefits.
Burn.
[Growls]
And this beautiful collection of gently-used knives
can almost spread any butter.
Here. Check this out.
You just take a nice glob, and you just--
well, you see, the almond's a little on the chunky...
Side.
And they could be yours for only $73.
$73?
For your mom's old knives?
[Scoffs] They don't even cut.
Well, I'm not permitted to handle sharp objects.
[Sighs]
You're right. Hopeless.
I apologize for wasting your time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Groans]
Why are you so desperate for money?
Doesn't Fiona give you an allowance?
Oh, she does.
An emotional allowance.
But they don't accept hugs at the movies,
which is where I'm taking my girlfriend.
I'll tell you what.
If you can put together the crib
that Andy has been too inept to assemble...
- No. - I will pay you.
- I got it. - 25 bucks.
- No. - 25 bucks?
I'll throw in a sandwich.
[Sighs]
Persuasive.
Deal.
I got a couple breakfast burritos for us.
And I've got some gummy bears.
I know how you like the clear ones.
Can you just settle down, all right?
This a stakeout. It's not one of your mommy groups, all right?
So you do not want a squeeze-gurt.
Give me that.
I am so excited about this.
It's like we're a buddy cop duo.
And by the way, can I be the hothead
who doesn't play by the rules?
'Cause Laurie's always got me playing--
Oh, shh-shh. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
There he is. Stay sharp, partner.
Here we go. It's go time.
Look at you, Chris.
[Scoffs] Whistle.
Nobody whistles unless they got something to hide, Andy.
Or they're a dwarf.
Copy that.
We won't rest until we expose his web of lies.
Or until 3:00 when Madison's got to go down for a nap.
She doesn't nap by 3:00 then she's a total b-i-t-c-h.
(Will) Oh, he's moving.
(Andy) Okay, put your seat belt on.
This is gonna get crazy.
Oh, where you going now, Casanova?
Uh, uh--oh. A gym?
Don't worry. He's gonna slip.
And when he does, we'll be there.
(Will) Another gym? What?
You got to admit, it really works for him.
I do not admit!
Oh, did you see him just blow by that homeless guy?
Two hours to work out,
but not one minute for a homeless man.
How layered is that?
Pretty layered.
He literally just gave the guy the shirt off of his own back.
[Growls]
He found homes for a box of kittens,
and he taught that veteran how to read,
but it's sure hard to do good deeds
when you're at a strip club.
(Andy) When you're at a strip club.
[Chuckles] Busted.
- Got you now. - Jackpot.
(Andy) You're not gonna like this.
What? Give me that.
[Beverly Hills Cop theme]
♪ ♪
What? No. No.
You've got to be kidding me.
Give me the keys.
I'm going rogue.
You're going rogue in my car?
With my kids?
That's a good catch.
I can go rogue in a Town Car.
[Easy listening music playing]
[Grunts] Hey.
"Hey, it's Chris.
"I can't wait to have morally reprehensible sex with you
behind my girlfriend's back."
"Yes,
"just like that tall, handsome man at the bar predicted.
He is always right."
♪ ♪
[thud]
[Whistling]
[Sniffs] Hmm.
♪ ♪
- Aha! - Geez!
- [Screams] - Ah.
Will! Bloody hell.
Just making sure you guys are playing safe.
No glove, no love, right?
Are you completely insane?
Okay, first of all, when I followed him here,
I clearly thought he was meeting someone else,
so that's on me.
Wait, you were following me? Why would you do that?
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
If you want to ask a question, you got to raise your hand.
Oh, my God. Have you lost it completely?
Okay, listen, I may have been slightly mistaken
about what was, you know, going on in here,
but that little tête-à-tête at Thunderballs
was more than a business meeting.
I would bet my life on it, Fiona.
No, no, no.
I would bet my hair on it.
You know, not right now, obviously, with the hat head-y,
but when it's firing on all cylinders.
And I'm gonna tell you, I will be damned
if I let Fiona carry through on her plan
to tell you that she loves you on a day--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were gonna tell me you loved me?
Yeah, and this is exactly how I wanted to do it.
I was gonna get a room, fill it with flowers and champagne,
so I could have my neighbor come over here
and just with his big, trumpet-y gob,
just blurt it out.
Would you mind possibly pissing off?
- I'm telling you right now, I-- - Let me rephrase that.
Get out!
- No. Fiona! - Get out.
- Don't trust him. - Get out.
Don't trust him. Don't have sex with him.
[Door clicks]
I'm so sorry.
[Sighs]
So sorry about that.
Can we still salvage what's left of the evening?
Fiona, uh...
Will may not be entirely an idiot.
At least not in this regard.
It was more than a business meeting.
Well, what was it?
It was a job offer.
Gabriella and some of our former colleagues
have put together
this incredible leadership academy,
only they lost their principal last minute,
and they need someone to fill in right away.
An academy where?
In Tanzania.
Tanzania, Africa, Tanzania?
Well, that's very far away, isn't it?
You have no idea how heavily this has been weighing on me.
I haven't been able to make up my mind.
I mean, one minute I think it's a great idea.
The next minute-- I can't imagine leaving you,
leaving this.
Look, they're asking for a three-month commitment.
And I know, right now, that that feels like
a lifetime when we're just starting to lay the foundation
of our life together.
Just three months?
Just three months,
and then I'd-- I'd come right back,
if you'll have me.
Oh, I mean, you have to do it.
It's a great chance to let you pursue your dreams.
I'll be here when you come back.
I mean, I won't be here.
I'll be in my house.
With more clothes on.
I don't even think this is on right.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To quite simply the finest woman I have ever known.
And less importantly, but worth mentioning,
to Will not being right.
Look at this, Andy.
- Mm-Hmm. - Almost done.
What has taken you weeks not to do
was done in one day by a child.
Speedy little fellow, aren't you?
Well, I actually can't believe how easy it was.
Of course, I am an excellent follower of directions,
Let's face it: An excellent follower in general.
(Laurie) Well, maybe you can teach Andy a thing or two.
He can't seem to put anything together
except an excuse.
[Chuckles]
I just peed my pants emphasizing that word.
I hate my whole life.
Man, you got to feel for Laurie,
hitching her wagon to someone like you?
All right, I didn't want it to come to this,
but you leave me no choice.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
This isn't just an unfinished nursery.
It's much more than that.
It's a pop-up man cave.
And the sooner we get this work done,
the sooner I get to losing
this tiny, beautiful oasis of solitude
amidst this house of chaos.
Wow. Andy.
I'm actually impressed.
[Munching]
You should be.
So he was lying.
I was right. Just admit it.
You weren't. You were, at best, wrong-ish.
This beautiful man was faced with a dilemma.
Does he go abroad and plant the seedof learning in Tanzania,
or does he stay and nurture
the delicate seedling of our love?
Ugh, that may be the single barf-iest sentence
ever uttered.
You're wrong,
and you just can't get that fact
through your thick, swollen head
of frankly deeply overrated hair.
Don't you think for a moment
that you, in fact, are the one who's not seeing the truth?
That you want so badly
for Chris to be this rotting condiment
of your dreams
that you're just gonna wait and wait around,
and he's just gonna break your heart?
I'm a nonviolent person, but I would like you
to imagine me slapping you really hard
across the face right now.
Just don't come crying to me when I'm right.
All right, look, I knew having a girlfriend would be labor-intensive,
but I had no idea how expensive it would be.
Oh, tell me about it.
That's why I didn't even have
a girlfriend in middle school.
- Too much dough. - Is that why, Andy?
Well, the headgear didn't-- Didn't help either.
All right, look.
I feel for you.
And that's why I'm gonna cut you some slack.
What're you talking about?
I'm willing to keep this little secret of ours
for, say...
100 bucks.
Are you kidding me?
After I empty my soul,
share my secrets, my beverages?
You want this precious little oasis of yours,
and I want a stellar date with my girlfriend.
I'm sure you and me, we can work this out.
You're a mean little guy, you know that?
You know what's really mean?
What?
I would've taken 50.
[Knocking at door]
Come in. It's open.
Hello.
Aw, are you a sight for sore eyes.
Well, I knew you'd be madly packing,
so I brought you some extra boxes.
- And some wine. - Beautiful.
That wine isn't in a box.
It's in a bottle.
It's a lovely gesture, but you know what?
I'm actually-- I'm all done packing.
Wait.
I hate to tell you, but you have missed
quite a few things.
Oh, what, all this stuff?
The artwork and the furniture?
No, none of this is mine.
This all came with the sublet.
No, I'm very proud to say
that everything I own in the world...
[Knocks] Fits right in this trunk.
What, literally everything that you own
is in that trunk?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I'd need a whole separate trunk
just for hair products.
When I was 18 and I was traveling
through Thailand for the first time,
I met this sect of monks
who had this rule where each monk
could only have five things in life.
Well, I made a vow right then and there
that everything I truly need in life
would fit inside a trunk,
and I have been so much happier ever since.
Let me open that wine.
[Hip-hop music]
- ♪ So, so def ♪ - ♪ yeah, yeah ♪
(Jermaine Dupri) ♪ In the Ferrari or Jaguar ♪
♪ switchin' four lanes ♪
♪ with the top down screamin' out ♪
♪ money ain't a thang ♪
(Jay-Z) ♪ Bubble hard in the double R ♪
♪ flashin' the rings ♪
♪ with the window cracked, holler back ♪
♪ money ain't a thang ♪
(Jermaine Dupri) ♪ I don't like it ♪
♪ if it don't gleam clean ♪
♪ and to hell with the price ♪
♪ 'cause the money ain't a thang ♪
(Jay-Z) ♪ put it down hard for my dogs ♪
♪ that's locked in the bang ♪
♪ when you hit the bricks, new whips ♪
♪ money ain't a thang, come on ♪
(Jermaine Dupri) ♪ y'all wanna floss with us ♪
♪ 'cause all across the ball, we burn it up ♪
♪ drop a little paper, baby, toss it up ♪
♪ ya slackin' on your pimpin', turn it up ♪
[clicks tongue]
♪ See, the money ain't a thang ♪
(woman in movie) Those things are everywhere. We're never gonna make it.
(Man in movie) Don't give up.
[Woman in movie gasps] Did you hear that?
[Explosion]
[Woman in movie screams]
[People clamoring in movie]
Hey.
If you look on the bright side, I--
I'll be able to send some really interesting fabrics from Tanzania.
I know textiles are your weakness.
[Chuckles]
I'm gonna go and get the school up on its feet.
I'm gonna get them out of this jam, and then--
And then the next great opportunity's gonna come along,
and you're gonna jump on it.
No, that is not the plan.
The plan is, I go, I do the job,
and I come right back.
That's not who you are.
You're not a planner.
You're a free spirit.
You go where the inspiration leads you, and...
I'm--I'm-- I'm not gonna do this job.
I'm gonna cancel.
I'm gonna call them and tell them
I--I can't do it.
Darling, it's not about the job.
It's about the trunk.
Your entire life fits into one trunk.
You move lightly through the world.
But Marcus and I,
we're heavier than that, you know?
We don't fit in there, do we?
That is crazy.
I'll make room. I want to.
And there was a time when I would've waited
and waited and waited and waited for that to happen.
But I can't do that now.
I have to see exactly what is in front of me,
not what I wish was there.
And what I see is an incredible man
whose entire life fits into a taxi.
And I've got to let him go.
I love you.
I know you never actually got a chance to say it.
I love you, Fiona.
[Poignant music]
♪ ♪
[sobs]
Well, you were right.
[Sniffles] Don't worry.
I won't come crying to you.
(Will) Come here.
[Sniffling]
♪ ♪
[dog barks]
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com