I'm so excited that you're going to be at my wedding today, Mother!
Now, is there somebody there to help you get your dress on over your hump?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Yeah, hold on, dear. I have another call.
It's going to sound as if I'm hanging up, but I'm not.
I can't believe your mother's going to be at our wedding.
Mm. What do you suppose she'll give us?
Apart from the creeps.
Oh, now, be nice.
You know how much this means to me.
She's been moving a little slowly lately.
Hm.
I wonder how we'll get her down the aisle.
Well, perhaps we could shoot her out of a cannon.
- Er... and don't mention the hump. - No.
It's grown another six inches since the last time you saw her.
Shouldn't you have her checked?
Well, there's really no point.
Everything she's had removed just keeps growing back.
Hello, darling.
Well, it's here.
My big day.
- You mean my big day. - No.
Mine. Jasper's back.
- Ja? - Mm?
Jasper! My husband!
- Oh! - Oh!
Did he say where he's been all these months?
No, and it felt rude to ask.
Now, just don't try to make this day all about you, Violet.
No, of course not. It's our day.
It's my day!
I look forward to meeting him, Vi.
You did meet him at our wedding.
Nobody remembers that.
Is there anything more I can do to help, Stuart?
Even though I'm completely knackered.
What exactly is it that you've done?
Oh, you know, this and that.
Oh.
Is there a professional coming round to do your make-up today?
- Mm. - Because you certainly need one.
- Hi! - Hello, Ash!
- I'm excited about your big day! - Ho-ho! Thank you!
Somebody knows whose day it is.
I have some news, Ash.
My husband's back and he's extremely jealous.
I can't wait to meet him.
You did meet him at our wedding.
You see? It didn't register with anybody.
Extremely, insanely jealous, Ash.
Yeah, I've got it.
Is there anything I can do to help with the wedding today, Stuart?
Would you mind walking my mother down the aisle?
It would be my honour.
Ah...!
I know how much it means to you to have her there.
Thank you, Ash.
I find the easiest way to manoeuvre her is to steer her by the hump.
Congratulations!
What are you both doing here?
Oh, we're here for the wedding.
But it's not for another nine hours!
I see.
We'll just wait, then.
Well, you two really managed to suck the life out of the room.
Actually, I need you both to pick up our wedding cake.
- Can you do that? - Is it paid for?
- Of course it is. - Fine.
Well, it was a beautiful wedding.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just move it along.
Do you want to help us, Violet?
I don't. Thank you, though.
- It isn't paid for, is it? - Of course it's not.
Hello. We're here to pick up a wedding cake for two men.
- If you can believe it. - Sure.
That's £250.
- We were told it was already paid for. - It wasn't.
Oh, dear.
I'll stand here till I die before I pay for that cake.
Fine.
I was only going to waste this money on a pacemaker, anyway.
Oh!
Where's he going?
- I don't know. - Well,
how are we supposed to get this to the wedding?
I don't really get involved in this part of it.
Well, come on, Mason. It's only a few streets.
You take one end and...
I'll take the other.
- There we go. - Oh.
You see? This isn't so bad.
Not at all.
Oh, drat. I think I've got a tiny bit of icing on my face. Can you see it?
No.
Ripped By mstoll
Now I see it.
Hurry, boys! It's almost time to leave for the ceremony.
Be right down.
Who the hell let you in?
Knock, knock!
Oh, you look lovely, Violet!
Please. You cannot flirt with me like that in front of my husband.
Oh, I wasn't flirting.
I'm serious, Ash. He's very possessive.
He can never know what happened between us.
- Nothing happened between us. - Good.
That sounded very convincing.
You look very dashing, Ash.
- You look pretty handsome yourself. - Ah.
Violet, what are you wearing?
That is not the dress we picked out.
I thought this was more playful.
It's white!
Oh, it's the furthest thing in the world from white. It's cream.
It looks like you're getting married!
That's ridiculous!
Really?
I haven't got time for this. What about the limo? Is it out front?
Oh, I thought we could take a taxi.
You're a really crap matron of honour, do you know that?
Stuart Bixby!
You look spiffing!
- Thank you, Freddie! So do you! - Thank you!
And I've only one question to ask you.
- Yes, Freddie? - What the fuck is she wearing?
It's cream!
You look like something out of a Dickens novel.
Is that good?
No.
I think you look great, Violet.
Oh, knock it off with the compliments, Ash. It's making me uncomfortable.
We should go. I don't want to keep Mother waiting.
Oh, this is it, Freddie.
The next time we come back to this flat...
we'll be married.
Let's just hope they don't marry one of us to Violet by accident.
Oh, I've just realised something.
- What? - I've never been to a gay wedding.
- Neither have I. - Oh, I haven't either.
I have. They're loads of fun.
And wait till everybody sees the cake!
How much longer will it be for the new cake?
I don't know.
They have to bake it, I guess.
That probably takes a while.
At this point, I feel it's important to mention how much I dislike you.
Hello, Mason. I'm here to help you pick up the cake.
We already picked up...
Oh, never mind. Thank you for coming.
Shall we give it a go?
All right.
Let's make sure we walk very slowly.
Yes, of course.
Be careful! Somebody on a skateboard!
Watch out, a bicycle's coming.
That was close.
I'm having such déjà vu right now.
Well, everything looks lovely, Stuart.
Oh, thank you. It's really come together.
Well, it was a group effort.
Shut up.
Is Mother here?
Well, I don't see any cloven footprints...
...and the walls aren't dripping with blood, so perhaps she hasn't arrived yet.
There she is.
I just looked for the horns.
Hit him again.
- Come on. Shall we go and say hello? - Do I have to?
Oh, it's our wedding. Of course you have to.
We have to be courteous to each and every guest.
- Stuart, I just... - Not now!
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Stuart.
Hello, Mildred. Thank you for coming.
It means a lot to Stuart.
And me.
And may I add that you're looking simply stunning in...
...that.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were 90.
Oh, why, thank you!
Oh, I'm so happy you're going to see me get married, Mother.
I know you've had to wait a bit longer than you'd anticipated.
Well, I just wish I knew anybody who was still alive so I could brag about it.
Oh.
That means more to me than you know.
Oh...!
- Can we step over there for a second? - Mm.
- Are you getting emotional? - No.
I think she farted.
Where's your husband, Violet? Shouldn't he be here by now?
Well, Jasper tends to be a bit unpredictable.
Sometimes he's early and sometimes he disappears for three months at a time.
We all have our little eccentricities, I suppose.
Oh, look, here he comes. Now, remember, he's insanely jealous.
So, no leering at me with your bug eyes.
Jasper, darling, over here.
- I need money. - So romantic.
Is someone going to splurge on a little gift for their wife?
I'm going to need more than this.
I owe people money. Bad people.
You're so outrageous, darling.
- Come on, I want to go. - No, no, no, Jasper. We can't go.
Don't tell me what I can do.
Oi! Give me one of those.
Isn't he a riot?
We always have that rapid-fire Katharine Hepburn/Spencer Tracy
back and forth, rat-a-tat-tat.
Oh, where have you two been?
In hell.
Why are you dressed like the bride?
Shouldn't Stuart be wearing that?
They can never know we joked like that.
Er... weren't you guys supposed to get the cake?
And weren't you supposed to be the one getting married?
Oh, that's right, your girlfriend dumped you.
Penelope!
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
It's been a very stressful day.
- We had a bit of an issue with the cake. - Oh.
The new one should arrive in time, though, and don't you go anywhere near it.
I won't. This is the last dress I own.
If something happens to this one, I've got no clothes.
Oh, good! You're all here. We're going to start soon. Did you get the cake?
Yes. You owe me £1,000.
Ash, you do know you're walking Stuart's mother down the aisle?
I know.
Yes, and are you ready with the rings?
I'm your best man, Freddie. I wouldn't forget.
No, of course you wouldn't.
I still can't believe you asked him to be your best man and not me.
Well, why on earth would I ask you to be my best man?
- Because I'm your brother. - So?
Are we almost ready
- to get started? - Oh, thank you. Yes, of course.
Am I marrying the two of you?
No! No, it's still me and Freddie.
I'm sorry. I got confused because...
She's dressed like a bride, I know.
But thank you, darling.
No, not thank you.
I had no idea this dress would be such a hit.
It's not.
Are we being married by a woman? Isn't that a bit non-traditional?
- Well, so is two grooms. - Mm, point taken.
Well, er... shall we all take our places and I'll go and get Mrs Bixby?
- And remember, Ash... - Yeah, I know.
- Steer her by the hump. - Yeah.
What are you thinking?
That we know a lot of unattractive people.
Hello, Mrs Bixby!
I'm here to escort you down the aisle.
Are you a little gay boy?
No, I'm straight.
I want a little gay boy to walk me down the aisle.
Fine.
I'm a little gay boy.
Oh, good. Can I have a hug first?
- Of course you can. - Oh...!
Ah.
Ha.
Oh, all right.
Are you all done with the hug now?
Mrs Bixby?
Mrs Bixby! Oh, God!
Oh, er... er...
Violet?
Violet!
Oh, will you excuse me, darling?
Bring me back cigarettes.
Oh, hello, Mildred. You look lovely.
- She can't hear you. - Good, cos she looks awful.
Is she sleeping?
Not exactly.
- Did she pass out? - You're getting warmer.
- Oh, good Lord! She's not? - Please get her off me.
What are you two dawdling for? We're about to start.
I'm afraid something rather unpleasant has happened.
What? Oh. Is she farting again?
No. She's dead.
Oh, no. Oh! Oh!
God! Are you sure?
She once fell out of a third-floor window and got right back up.
I'm 100% sure
and if you don't help get her off me now, I think I'm going to scream.
So dramatic.
Oh, it's strange. That's the first time I've ever touched her.
Oh!
Feels like she's still on me.
We're going to have to call somebody.
- No, we can't. - What do you mean?
It's been Stuart's dream for his mother to see us married.
No, we'll have to wait till after the ceremony.
- No, no, we can't do that. - Why not?
Because it's icky.
Look, we'll just say that she died a few minutes later, that's all.
Oh.
Otherwise it'll break Stuart's heart.
Oh, Freddie, I'm not sure about this.
No, we have to do it, Vi, for Stuart.
Well, there's no going back now.
Ash, I thought you were going to walk my mother down to the front row.
She really wanted to stay where she was.
It's true. She was dead set against moving.
Well, you know how stubborn she can be.
She won't budge once she's made up her mind.
- That's true. - Yes. Ah.
Oh, Stuart, let me just, er... fix your tie.
All right, that's enough. Get off me.
All right, come on. Let's get this thing going.
- I believe you both wrote your own vows? - Oh, yes.
I wrote them down and gave them to Violet to hold.
Can I have the paper, please?
Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I left it on the kitchen counter.
I can see it now, next to the letters I forgot to post, and a defrosting ham.
As the matron of honour, you have been absolutely no frigging help at all.
All right. Well, let's... let's just, er... wing it. I'll go first.
Stuart, you are the bee's knees.
Now you go.
- That was it? - Yes.
Well, it was rather abrupt. Yeah, all right.
Er... er... Freddie.
50 years ago when I first met...
Thank you! Oh, that was sweet!
- Now, do your thing. - Frederick Thornhill.
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
And, Stuart Bixby, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
- And now for the rings. - Hurry up.
Oh, no, we'll do the rings later. Just wrap it up.
OK, then! I now pronounce you husband and husband!
You sure you're all right?
Yes, actually, I'm OK.
I'm just so happy that Mother was able to see me married before she passed on.
She waited for you.
She did. And that means everything to me.
- And she had such a good life. - Mm.
Well, a long one.
Ash, I think you were the last person to talk to her.
Can you remember her final words?
"Are you a little gay boy?"
Seems fitting somehow.
I'm so glad you're all right.
Yes, I am. Yeah, I really am.
Well, it was a beautiful ceremony
and seeing two men marry didn't look nearly as weird as I thought it would.
It did to me.
There you are! Come on, let's get out of here.
Oh, let's stay a little longer, Jasper.
Oh, that's her husband.
Besides, we haven't even had cake yet.
Oh, that's right. Where's the cake, Mason?
It's coming. I'll let you know as soon as it's here.
I said, I want to go!
But I still have more maid-of-honour duties to fulfill.
- Matron. - What duties? You haven't done anything.
Well, it's all been behind the scenes, darling.
I'm not surprised. She's pretty useless.
Now, come on! We're going.
- Hey! - Yeah?
Don't talk to her like that.
And who the bloody hell are you?
I'm her boyfriend.
Oh!
It's here.
At least no-one would say our wedding was boring.
I can't believe, after all these years,
- we're husbands. - I know.
It feels a bit different, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does. - Mm.
Oh, look, we've forgotten to take off Balthazar's tiny tuxedo.
There!
There you go.
Those photos are going to look hilarious.
And thank God, Violet is finally going to leave that dreadful man.
She would have been much better off as a lesbian.
So many of them would, really.
It was extremely chivalrous, the way Ash defended her.
- I was very proud. - We're doing a good job with him.
- We are. - Mm.
Do you suppose anything ever happened between...
I never want to know. It's too disturbing to even contemplate.
True.
This cake is actually quite tasty.
I'm glad we managed to scrape so much of it off Penelope.
I even managed to save a bit for Mother.
Oh, and that reminds me.
I must call her, tell her that I'm coming over tomorrow...
Mother.
It's all right.
I'm here.
I love you.
Come on.
Ripped By mstoll