They call me Richard Ayoade,
and, at the risk of cheating you out of a mystery,
what follows is a rigorous rummage through technology
loosely grouped around a supposedly unifying theme.
I wish us all the very best of luck.
And tonight, that theme is health,
and in a very additional sense, safety.
How to safeguard your home...
The house is secure.
..protect your possessions
and prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.
Albert Einstein, the top scientist and fuzzy hair icon,
said that the world is a dangerous place,
not because of the people who are evil,
but because of the people
who don't do anything about it.
Well, perhaps if Albert had met me,
he would have carved out a special caveat for this broadcast,
because even though I am in many ways evil,
I am going to fight danger...
with gadgets.
Risk assessment.
What is it good for?
Absolutely everything
and as such, I've put in place a crest of contingency plans
to guarantee the safety of my person, my crib,
and my sweet, sweet gadgets.
Outside Gadget Towers, I've installed the Orbit Yard Enforcer.
Movement sensors trigger water jets
designed to scare off potential threats
such as dogs, cats,
or water-soluble assailants.
Securing your domicile with a lock and key is well retro,
so I use a lock and phone.
'The August Smart Lock
'uses Bluetooth as
'an alternative to a key.
'Should I ever wish to let someone in when I am out...'
- HE SIGHS - '..I can send them a code.
'Inside, my paranoia continues unabated.'
Here we go.
'All incoming mail is screened by the Scanmail 10K.'
And in case I break my "absolutely no visitors ever" policy,
I have the Hi-PE/CF portable metal detector
to bring airport-style scrutiny to the home.
And my final personal piece de resistance is Linda,
an intelligent robot programmed to autonomously patrol the house,
and make sure no-one tries to jack my shiz.
Linda uses a laser scanner 20 times a second
to help her move around,
building up a map of her environment.
Able to recognise the presence of intruders,
the aim is to develop robots like Linda to work with
conventional human-style security guards.
The house is secure.
I appreciate that. Thank you for your communication.
Thanks, Richard. Have a nice day.
Undoubtedly, the best way to stay safe
is to bunker down at home in lock-down mode,
but sometimes even I need to engage with the outside world.
So, to help me assess the latest gadgets
aimed at keeping you safe in the urban jungle
is an actor who's played a plethora of villains,
rogues and rapscallions.
Keith Allen.
Hello, Keith. How are you?
I'm very good, Richard. How are you?
- I'm OK. Thanks for joining me in the ghetto. - This is my manor, son.
We're a couple of tough nuts, that's what the world knows us as.
Yes.
But for other people who aren't
equipped with animal instincts like ours,
they're going to have to use gadgets,
and I'm going to show you some.
- I'm looking hench. - Yes, yes. - It's not all my own work.
I've got to give some kudos
to the Funkybod T-shirt.
It gives a brother like me
even more muscle definition
than I normally have.
- Let me have a look at that. - Yes.
- If I put that on... - Yes.
I would just look like I'm slightly fatter than I actually am.
I've got to say, Richard, I think that's of no value whatsoever.
- OK. - To any person who's looking to, you know, tough it out.
- GLASS SMASHES - All right, let's discard it.
- I'm going to invite you to make a lunge at me. - OK.
Wait one second, because the Wolffepack is going to be engaged.
- The what? - Do it!
- Oh, that's amazing. - Exactly. - That is amazing.
'The protection it offers is really just the icing
'on an already fantastic cake.
'The Wolffepack's USP is turning a backpack into a front pack
'for extra protection from pickpockets
'with a bonus of easy access to your shiz.'
- You know what these streets are like, Keith. - Tough.
Do you think someone could take my wallet?
In these parts, yes, on a regular basis, son.
Nuh-uh.
I've got the SmartWallit Pro.
This is linked up to my smartphone.
If someone opens this wallet...
- PHONE BLEEPS - ..I get a text about it.
- Amazing. - Says my wallet is open.
And does it track it? If somebody steals it, it tracks it?
I can track it. Not only will it tell me how far away they are,
I can also use GPS to find out the direction
and then, when I track them down,
they've got a whooping coming to them.
- Let's just imagine, right... - OK.
..that I'm one of London's leading pickpockets.
KEITH WHISTLES
'Scuse me, guv. Haven't got the time on yer, do yer?
I do, on my phone, it's nine...
- Is this one of the Wolffepacks that you're wearing here? - It is.
- Can I have a look this side? - It's made of a material...
- That is amazing. How much you pay for that, guvnor? - It was only £4.
I tell you what, they saw you coming. Thanks very much.
OK, I'm going to...
- PHONE BLEEPS - Oh, my wallet's open!
My wallet's open.
Hello. Hello?
- Hello! - It works.
It's time to crank things up a click.
Down there, that's what they call street-level crime. Up here...
- Roof level. - This is roof-level crime. - That's a different level.
Which is an entirely different ball game.
You could be a sniper. You see what I mean?
Or on the run from the Old Bill. You're up here for a reason.
Or I could be in a season finale of TJ Hooker.
Well, Keith, this is where a lot of my showdowns occur
which is why I've brought you here.
I can see that, yeah.
I'm going to give you a head start
with the Xion protective gear.
Ah, I've heard about this.
So, this works as a kind of body armour.
Oh, right? OK, interesting.
- And it's got a revolutionary material in. - Which is?
- D30. - D30?
Which has intelligent molecules. That's what they say.
It flows with you and then, upon an impact,
- toughens up within a fraction of a second. - That's amazing.
'But this isn't just for stuntmen and swat teams.
'No.
'Other bodies such as the bodies of extreme sports athletes,
'skateboarders and snow sports practitioners can also be protected.'
Now, if I were to suddenly attack you violently, like this.
There, I've got you, bang.
- See? - What?
You're fine, didn't even feel it.
No, no, punch. That toughened up, this is great.
Yep, I mean my finger's in agony now.
'Now observe me seamlessly segue from my tough guy persona
'into a 1980s Miami Vice drug dealer, like Phillip Collins.'
So, say I've brought you up here to move a shipment of snow,
but you suddenly pull a piece on me,
- what am I going to do? - Run?
- No, I'm going to reach for my Bulletproof Soft bag. - Sorry?
And in the time it takes for the bullet to travel towards me,
I will have unzipped it,
bearing in mind the bullet's still travelling towards me.
- Yeah, yeah. - At point-blank range.
And then, I'm enjoying...
You are not serious.
..an NIG level 3A ballistic protection.
- That bullet's going straight into my soft bag. - Oh, shut up! - You can't get...
- KEITH LAUGHS - What're you talking about? Here,
the snow's over there.
Alfonso, run with the snow.
- There's one of my gang behind you, with some snow. - Pick up the snow!
He's dropped the snow.
No, it's just nonsense.
Well, I think you haven't been in as many tough situations as I have.
I'm never going to leave my house without this.
Well, thank you very much for joining me,
and next time shiz gets real on the street, you know who to call.
You're the man.
- I'll see you later. - Easy.
Having shown how technology can optimise your health and safety,
it's time to show how you can protect your gadgets
from peril's ceaseless onslaught.
And with scant provision for safety in their temporary workplace
are three chancers representing 20 million people apiece,
my public panel.
A scratched or cracked phone is mobile misery no more,
thanks to the Sir Lancelot's Holy Grail screen protector.
It's rated as a nine
on the Mohs scale of hardness.
That is incredible, isn't it?
OK, there's only one thing left for it. Shall we have a test?
Oh!
Just peel it up at a corner.
Look at that.
That's unbelievable.
The iBallz. Shock absorbing spheres held on the corners of your tablet
with elastic cord.
OK, I'm going to go for full height.
And there we go.
It does the job.
And for those, like me, who lack the confidence in humanity
to swim without their keys,
the Davis Key Buoy comes as a welcome relief.
- So that was quick. - That worked quick, didn't it?
I could've done with one of these,
cos I got off a boat a little bit the worst for wear
and dropped my keys in the canal.
We are divided by a distressed table
but united in our quest for truth.
Please be honest with me.
The number one gadget is...?
Has to be the iBallz.
It has to be the iBallz, the iBallz have triumphed.
Coming up...
I destruction test the latest safety gadgets.
And with the definitive risk assessment in hand,
I prepare a gadget arsenal for the end of days.
I feel 100% safer.
If looking at gadgets isn't enough,
why not try and win some in our series-long prize draw?
We've got an amazing stash up for grabs,
including an ultra-high definition LG 4K TV,
Apple MacBook Pro and iPhone 6,
a Sony PS4 plus a Microsoft Xbox One console,
a Canon SLR camera,
and a barrel load more besides.
All in all, it's a prize worth over £20,000.
To see the full list of everything included in this bumper prize bundle,
visit channel4.com.
For your chance to win, all you have to do is text
GEEK 2 to 84455.
Or you can enter by post.
Just send your name and daytime phone number
on the back of a stamped postcard
or on the back of a sealed envelope to
GEEK 2, PO Box 67401, London, N8 1EG.
Texts cost £2.00 plus your standard network rate.
Entrants must be 18 or over.
And the competition closes on Friday 31st July 2015 at 5:00pm.
Please do NOT try to enter if you're watching on demand.
Good luck!
In the previous half
of this already world-renowned health and safety themed gadge-off,
I gave an exhaustive run down
of the precautionary technology available to safeguard your home,
and yourself, whilst away from said home.
Now we have vanquished villainy,
what about the constant mocking grip of fate's fickle fingers?
I'm talking accidents, y'all,
because sometimes shiz happens.
'And when it does, can gadgets keep you safe?
'In the interests of consumer research and low budget spectacle,
'let's find out together, now, as a team.'
As you probably know,
I do a lot of upper thigh and lower back modelling
for medical magazines,
so I'm contractually forbad from undertaking stunt work.
That is the only reason that Gary,
a professional stuntman, is acting as my double.
Where the heck is your blue jumper, Gary?
Yeah? Heard of continuity?
You're going to blow this illusion, you need to sharpen up.
So imagine that whilst cycling, I fail to spot a parked car.
A painful mistake which would have been even more painful
if I was not rocking the Morpha helmet.
This British design folds flat for easy storage or transport,
but when locked together exceeds all relevant safety standards.
In case I need to make a claim,
I've got the Rideye.
It's constantly shooting video,
but an impact will cause it to store a back-timed clip of the incident.
The final piece in my accident anticipation kit
is the ICEdot Crash Sensor.
It too detects impact and starts a countdown on your phone.
If not stopped,
it will alert your emergency contacts.
Hi, um, just received a text saying I've had an accident,
which is good news because it means this system is working well,
but obviously bad news for you.
Um, how did the helmet stand up?
Yeah, good.
Good, good. Let's not involve the emergency services
because I probably shouldn't have parked this so, er...
so across the road here.
After a hard cycle, I retire to the shed
for five or six hours of ironing,
but my desire to rehydrate my lunch
places an unbearable demand on the overloaded electrics.
Fortunately, I fit all my executive sheds
with a Nest smoke alarm.
The Nest not only detects fire
but tells you where it is.
There's smoke in the study.
Perhaps overkill in a shed,
but not in a house,
where opening the door on a fire could kill you.
And to tackle this fire,
I'll be using this 5aver Fire Evacuation mask,
which employs a pre-filter, hopcalite filter
and HEPA filter,
to safeguard against smoke, dust,
carbon monoxide and other airborne particles.
And such is my bravery,
I'm going to now deploy
a Soteria Throwable Fire Extinguisher,
because this really is on fire.
With the 5aver protecting me from the smoke,
I can get close enough to lob the Soteria.
The chemicals inside react to create ammonia and carbon dioxide
as well as foam to smother the fire.
How did that work out then?
Good, OK.
So gadgets can help in domestic disaster,
but what if the problem you face is a little bigger?
Something not covered adequately
by current health and safety legislation?
I'm talking apocalypse, y'all...
..like an asteroid colliding with the Earth,
a tidal wave engulfing East Anglia...
..or my pet peeve,
nuclear war.
I've come to a nuclear bunker buried deep in an Essex hillside
to give apocalyptic survival a long overdue reboot.
Back in the 1980s, the last decade to make any sense to anyone,
the British Government issued this pamphlet
telling the public how to survive a nuclear blast.
It suggested we live under the stairs,
eat tinned food
and do bottom time in a bucket.
But not this canary.
When the final drop comes,
and it will come,
I'm going to want to be somewhere like this,
and I'm going to want an arsenal of gadge.
'Fortunately, everything you need to survive a global disaster
'is now available to buy online,
'most of it designed to mitigate against the multiple perils
'of camping holidays or the unholy hazards of pop music festivals.
'Joining me to assess said gadgets
'is a comedian, musician and bunker lover.'
- Hello, Bill Bailey. - Hello, Richard.
- Thank you for joining me. - You're welcome.
But this is a regular haunt of yours, isn't it?
I often bring the family here for kids' parties and fun in the woods.
- Well, today's not about fun, it's about survival. - Right.
- So it's going to get real. - Right. - And you're going to have to keep up.
- Bill, we need to safeguard our domes. - Yes.
- Things are falling. - Mm-hm.
It's the nuclear aftermath, I don't know, girders, whatever.
Winter, the nuclear winter.
Whatever it is, we need the Full Act Safety Helmet Hood. OK.
Looks like an attractive wallet,
something that you just keep your jumbo cards in.
'Inside, a first aid kit, gloves, torch and whistle,
'everything you'll need in the event of global emergency
'or if you need to restock
'the bag of someone inexplicably stuck in '90s rave culture.'
But, as well as that,
you can now put it on your head, thus.
- No way. - Way!
'This versatile gadget hails from Japan
'where, because of the threat of earthquakes,
'many children have
'a similar safety hood at school.'
I feel immediately...
100% safer.
And I like that this dangles because it provides a bit of movement.
- Yeah. - And a bit of interest.
It's kind of like an angler fish. I feel a little bit like,
you know, that's the bait.
You're walking along, you think, "I've forgotten me socks."
- Wait a minute. - No, straight out from the neck.
- The dog's run off. - Whip it out. - Whistle.
- Now, Bill. - Yeah. - YOUR head is safeguarded. OK.
I'm just going to have to interlock my fingers. Let's leave.
You know the situation we're in.
- Yeah. - It's the big mushroom, shiz has gone down. - Yes.
We need comms.
- But how are we going to communicate? - Talk?
We need to FireChat.
This is an app that you can download,
- hopefully pre-apocalypse... - Yeah.
..which will allow us to communicate without resorting to Wi-Fi.
I've tried to write, "Hi, Richard" but it's come out as "Rinponcze." OK.
'FireChat uses Bluetooth to connect to friends who also have the app
'up to a distance of around 70m.
'It can also use other mobiles as stepping stones to extend the range,
'ideal for staying in touch post-apocalypse,
'or at one of the UK's many tip-top pop festivals.'
- Bill, we've been FireChatting throughout the eve. - Yes.
- Our battery's depleted. - Yep. - What are we going to do?
I dunno, er, get a new battery?
The BioLite thermoelectric charge.
'The BioLite is a kettle with
'a built-in thermoelectric generator,
'a crucial piece of planning for the wilderness camper
'who cannot bring him or herself to cease tweeting.'
- And I'm going to plug this into the phone. - Oh, look at that.
Bosh.
We're literally charging with gas.
But what about the equally important matter of perhaps eating?
Mm-hm.
Soylent, Bill.
That name's ringing a very, very loud alarm bell.
'Soylent has been developed for the time-poor
'to take the faff out of buying and cooking.
'With max nutrition for min effort,
'it's the perfect meal to consume only as an absolute emergency.'
It has vitamin A, C, calcium, iron, vitamin D, vitamin E,
vitamin K... What is that?
'Only in terms of outdated, bourgeois notions of taste
'does Soylent have any shortcomings as a foodstuff.'
To repopulation.
To the new world order.
Mmm.
That's Soylent for you.
That really does...
- ..hit the spot. - That's a chalky drink.
Even though it's post-fallout, we still need to bunk down.
- Yes. - With dignity. - Of course. - And decorum.
- Bedding. - Yep.
These look unforgiving.
Bill, you know this because you're on the cusp as ever.
- Mm-hm. - But this is the Windcatcher AirPad - 2. Ah.
Remember the AirPad 1?
- Hah! Forget it! - Dinosaurs.
The AirPad 2 has nailed it.
'If you're outside for more than two hours,
'it's likely you'll want a nap,
'but how do you prepare for this necessity in a crisis situation?
'Check the Wind Catcher,
'no pump required.
'When you blow into the valve,
'your breath is amplified ten times,
'pulling in more of the surrounding air for speedy inflation.'
So, hang on. You've got the AirPad 2.
What have I got, then?
You've got a wearable futon, Bill.
Really? Ha!
Let's unsheathe it together.
Let's...let's do that. Let me, let me take it.
'This Japanese design is aimed at
'workers looking to keep productive
'until they lose consciousness.
'Just slip it on
'to move effortlessly from work to power nap to more work.'
- OK. Zip that up. - Oh-ho-ho.
Not only can you reshoot
any Beastie Boys video you want,
but you're also ready to bed down.
- Shall we, um? - Shall I? - Top bunk? - Are you taking top, or...?
I'm going bottom. All right. Ohh.
OK, bear in mind I'm on the bottom bunk, Bill, I'm on the bottom...
- I'm up, I'm up. - Here we go, you're in, you're in.
- Aah. - OK. - Aaah. All right.
This is so comfortable, I can't tell you.
- Goodnight, Bill boy. - Goodnight, Mr Richard.
'To conclude our highly plausible post-apocalyptic scenario,
'we need only ask what gadgets would require
'if the security of the bunker were suddenly compromised.'
FEEBLE SIREN
Alarm, Bill! Scramble, scramble!
Leave the futon behind, it's a rental.
Scramble, scramble, scramble!
'In emergencies, I always pop an Odeo Flare,
'safer and longer lasting than traditional pyrotechnics
'and visible for three nautical miles.'
- All right. Well, Bill, we've survived. - Yep.
The world of light entertainment is safe to fight another day.
But what about the roads, Bill?
It's going to be gridlock out there. How are we going to get out of here?
'As part of any decent post-apocalyptic contingency plan,
'you need transport standing by and ready for action.'
Have we got a chopper?
- We don't have Airwolf. - Oh.
What we do have...
is this crate.
- Wow! - Yeah.
Check the Mantis.
This unique all-terrain transport was built by SFX wizard Matt Denton,
who has just finished working on a much anticipated new sci-fi film
which we can't mention.
It weighs 1,900kg, is 2.8m high,
and has a diesel engine to power its hydraulic legs,
but it only has one seat,
so my survival depends on jettisoning dead weight,
like Bill.
I'm going to leave you with the Spot Gen3.
It's an emergency GPS satellite tracker.
OK...
And that's...what? This does what,
just tells people that I'm...?
Yes, if you press it,
the emergency services may well come.
- All the best. Thanks, Bill. - Oh, no, thanks.
And, um, you might survive this.
Yeah.
Just the one seat in there, is it?
Just the one seat, Bill.
OK, well, I'll be fine.
And remember you're a guest,
- not the pilot. - Right, yeah. Thanks.
Yeah, I've got tracking skills and trapping skills.
It only does 1mph,
and uses two gallons of fuel to the mile,
but it can go anywhere,
and its long legs are strong enough to push things out of its path,
perfect for post-apocalyptic peregrination.
When I talk about insects taking over the world,
I imagine something like this being at the vanguard.
A giant, mechanised mantis
with plans for world domination.
As we have seen,
the world is a place of unrelenting savagery and danger.
You need a plan,
you need to prepare,
and you need to gadge up.
Subtitles by Ericsson