Beep, beep, beep!
Get back, I don't want your big policeman hands all over it.
Oh, this for the parents' room?
My Art O Level's not going to be wasted.
I'm going to call it...
...Motherhood.
Quite a different use of the pallet.
There's a lot of paint on there for a... small...
Yes, my art teacher Mrs Phillips always said
I was possessed of a rare talent.
Or just possessed?
I'm going to look away now
because my eyes are beginning to melt, but I'll come back to it.
Don't listen to them, Pat.
You know, it speaks to me, it really does.
- Maybe I could commission one? - Yep, give me a subject.
Let's call it Husband. And don't hold back this time.
♪ Whoa-oa
♪ There's a new love starting and I wanna play a part in it
♪ Whoa-oa
Stop right there.
Come here.
I know that expression.
I think I might be pregnant. But I'm not sure.
My boyfriend got me one of them little paddly things,
but I don't know how you can tell and I weed on it loads.
This is a tea stirrer.
- It's for stirring tea. - Oh.
It's not even good at that, you're better off with a spoon.
I gave Nev a tenner out of my mum's purse to get that!
You're not leaving your contraception down to Nev?
It's OK, he says the way we do it, I can't get pregnant anyway.
Oh, what's that, then, upside down? In a bath? On a Thursday?
In a Tesco car park, because it's cold outside?
- Yeah. - And you believe him?
- Should I not? - He gave you a tea stirrer.
Oh, yeah.
OK, these will give you all the basics.
And dump Nev because I'm fairly sure you can do better.
Take it from someone who's been there.
Oh, not with Nev, obviously, that'd be weird.
Mm-mm. Ooh!
Ohh!
Mrs Akua, you're not any further along.
We might want to think about breaking your waters
and then it should just slip on out,
before you can say, "Bippety, boppety boo."
And how likely is that, really?
I'll be honest, it's not that likely.
But you know, we're prepared for any eventualities.
I haven't got a pen.
- One sec... - When you say eventualities...
You know - dads fainting during the birth,
babies born with horns, finding babies in cupboards...
- A baby with a horn? - I know, a horn!
That's strange, isn't it?
But it only happened the once and erm...
it fell off a day later so, you know, no big deal at all.
Would you excuse me one second?
A horn?
Wait, was there a baby in that cupboard?
No!
Lisa, I don't suppose you've seen a mum kind of minus a baby?
Description?
Female, sort of child-bearing age.
That's basically a woman. You're asking me, have I seen a woman?
I see what you're saying but I'm...
OK.
(Whistles)
Fancy a cheeky pint?
Do you know, I don't.
But you're Mr Security. Can you explain this?
- It's a baby. - Well, done, yes.
- I found him in a cupboard. - Not where you keep them?
Not as a rule, no, and he's got no bracelet,
which means he's been abandoned,
which means Social Services will be involved, the police...
- Police are already involved. - We're not police any more.
- I think you'll find I am. - You're still suspended.
Hey, if I manage to find the missing baby...
Mother.
Yeah, if I manage to find the missing mother,
I'm the hero,
looks good at the hearing, boom - get me job back!
- I have to report this now. - Please, give me one chance.
- For an old pal. - I'll see what I can do.
- Good man! - Keep it under your hat
until I speak to Caitlin.
I'll need an extra large helmet.
I wouldn't put a baby on me head... I wouldn't!
- This is serious. - What's serious?
Er... life generally.
Indeed. Why, what's going on?
- Mum's the word. - No.
No, not mum. Nothing to do with mum. Schtum.
Schtum's the word.
- Oh, there we go, come here. - (Grunts)
- I'll see you in a bit. - All right.
He has to go.
He does, yeah, a very busy schedule.
- I mean sacked. - Oh, really? Ian?
No, he's fine, he's just under a lot of stress.
- I know why you want him here. - Why?
To make you look competent by comparison.
- No, it's because he's a mate. - A what?
- A mate. - (Tuts) No.
No, you've lost me.
- A friend? - No, lost me completely.
This missing mother - what does she look like? Got any photos?
- Where's the baby? - It's OK.
I've hid him on a trolley.
Ripped By mstoll
About a day old, proper clamp - oh, hang on, what's this?
- Apple sticker. - All right.
- We've got to find this mother. - Oh, Matthew!
You're so sweet and naïve.
She could be anywhere by now, frankly.
You have to be buzzed in and out here.
Whoever this is works here or is known by someone.
Oooh, you were a policeman!
Yes, was that ever in doubt?
Well, you know, people put things on their CVs, don't they?
I put that I could ride a horse but I can't.
- How do you sleep at night? - And sword fighting.
Never thought I'd get called on that one either but I did.
Oh, what a long strange summer.
About the long strange baby...
Look, I'll call the authorities,
you watch out for anyone wincing and walking a bit funny.
Not Jake the porter, he's just like that.
Don't call them yet, please. We'll find her. Give me an hour.
OK.
You've got 60 minutes, then this goes public.
- OK. - And you're off the case.
Right.
(Poor US accent) Or I'll bust you back to Traffic.
- I get it. - No, seriously.
You've got to stay professional. Don't get emotionally involved.
We're gonna find your mum, OK?
Yes, we are.
We shall.
I vow this to you.
- You all right? - Yeah.
It's just I thought I heard you vowing something.
No.
Good, because we don't do vowing here.
We're not the Knights of the Round Table.
No, of course.
We're not the Knights of the Round Table, are we?
- Can I be Sir Lancelot? - No, Ian, you can't.
Sir Galivant?
Just forget this is a round table, yeah?
- I don't know any more. - Sir Percival?
He doesn't sound that great.
Matthew, there you are. Is that baby in an envelope?
- No. - Guys, what are you doing?
We're investigating the case of a missing mother.
You know the police will do that, as in the real police?
- Ow! - Sorry, that was insensitive.
Maybe it was someone who came in to get their appendix out,
didn't know they were pregnant, popped to the loo and whoopsie!
- Slipped on the tiles? - No, had a baby.
Do people say, "Whoopsie", when having a baby?
Are you seriously asking me that?
More likely to be a cry of extreme pain, actually.
Yes, Lisa, actually.
More like, "Argh!"
- Oh... - No, no, "Argh!"
Seriously, that out of that...
Yeah, don't start.
Witchcraft!
Pat?
We have a greater number of babies than mothers
and we've had no multiple births.
Is that one of those stupid maths questions?
No, real life. I just found this little chap in a cupboard.
It happens.
Someone has a baby out of nowhere...
Well, we know where it's out of.
...and they think this might be a good place to leave it.
Result - one surplus baby.
Don't say that, Pat, he's not surplus.
Aw.
You can look after him until we find his mum.
What am I supposed to do with him?
Can I remind you what your job is?
What if the police take him away?
Pop him in a cupboard, he seems to like that... Not really.
Can I call him Barney?
No, you can't. It's not yours, is it?
Of course he's not mine, you nipple!
Just eliminating you from my enquiries.
- And don't look at me. - I wasn't.
Liar.
Hello, Barney the baby.
Oh, I'm not sure about that name.
Reminds me of an ex-boyfriend I had, "Big bollocks Barney."
How about Hubbard?
Because he was found in a cupboard.
Yes, yes, I see what you've done there. Very clever.
But Hubbard's a bit more of a surname, isn't it?
Could be his only name...
Like Eminem or Madonna or Lady Gaga.
- Give it up for Hubbard. GIRL: Excuse me?
Oh, hello, again. How'd you get here?
Told the security guard you're my sister.
- Of course. - I'm definitely not pregnant.
- Great! - But my friend has a question.
Her boyfriend Nathan, right...
Wait, is this a contraception matter?
- They ain't done it yet. - Then proceed.
Her boyfriend Nathan reads a lot of books, like, a lot of books.
So is he like, you know, gay?
What's on the covers of these books mostly?
Spaceships.
I think that you're confusing gay with geek.
- He's probably just shy. - I told her.
Tell her to go for it!
Oh, Lisa, I've got a big pain in my arse. Is it you?
(Mutters to himself)
Right.
I can't believe you haven't got a suspect list yet.
You think this is all my fault, don't you?
- Well, what is your job title? - Her Majesty's security guard.
- There's no Her Majesty. - Oh, God, what's happened?
In your title, there's no HM. It's just "security guard".
- Really? - Really.
- Right. - What are you doing?
Always learning, mate. You ask the world's top sportsmen.
They're always learning.
When you think you're the finished article, you're doomed.
- Learned how to use the CCTV? No.
It's the only thing in here!
Live's OK but record and rewind, that's when it gets tricky.
Delete definitely works.
So someone has left a baby in a cupboard
and you can't find that bit?
- The system's not bulletproof. - Fool.
- You what? - Foolproof, not bulletproof.
Oh, right. (Clears throat)
For a minute, I thought you were calling me a fool.
- I wouldn't do that, mate - I know you wouldn't, mate.
- Too much respect. - Yes, R-E-S-P-E-T.
- C-T. - You what?
Nothing.
Leave it to the pros.
For the last time, how many people came through that door
between 9:30 and 10am?
For the last time, a lot.
- Want me to apply pressure? - Not yet, Pat.
- I mean, probably not at all. - Just say the word.
- Give me a number. - 18.
Just saying it to get rid of me as I do with customer surveys?
- I make up all sorts of cack. - No, I just checked.
Most of them are that new security guard,
confused about which side of the door he's on.
- Can't you just check the CCTV? - Hm, you'd think, wouldn't you?
Bit of human error.
Mzzzz McGoohan.
Oh, hello, Mizzter Edward.
I've just been having a little natter with Mrs Gomez
who says she's not particularly bothered that her midwife
wasn't currently on hand.
- You see, the thing is... - Uh-uh-uh.
I, on the other hand, tended to disagree with her,
pointing out it was specifically part of your job description
to be in there preparing for labour,
rather than out here chewing the fat with our reception staff.
- I was just on my way. - You were facing the wrong way.
I was going to walk backwards.
(Chuckles) Liar.
Oh.
- Uh-uh, fresh. - No.
- Fresh. Fresh. - No. No.
- Fresh! - No.
Ooh, you'll pay.
- Oh. You all right? - Oh. Can I help you?
A baby was found in that cupboard.
Me and me mate have the job of finding out who put it there.
Kettling gave him an hour. We've got about 20 minutes left.
- Kettling? - That's right.
- Do you mean Caitlin? - Maybe, why?
- I'm Caitlin. - Oh!
Pleased to... pleased to meet you!
I've seen you about, I couldn't put a face to the person.
- Name to the face. - That's it, yeah.
Is anyone actually called Kettling?
I don't know. It's something we did in the police force.
We'd round people up into a tiny place, stop them escaping.
And you thought I might be named after that procedure?
Not as such but I thought that's what he said.
Right, well, 20 minutes. Crack on.
- Will do, mate. - Mate? I prefer Kettling!
So do I! You should change it.
Whoa, are you mad? Crime scene.
I'm so sorry, I do apologise,
I thought this was a midwife station.
But, no, apparently I'm amidst a Renaissance workshop.
Mayhap Leonardo or Donatello will pass by.
OK, so I...
If you make reference to the remaining Ninja Turtles,
I promise you it will go very badly.
I am encouraging Pat to pursue her artistic interests
in her own time as per employment guidelines.
(Sighs)
Very well.
Yes.
No, no, no, that was not a win.
I was merely keeping my powder dry for later skirmishes.
OK. All right, OK.
It was a withdrawal but on home turf, so half a point to me.
Excuse me, that was a win for me.
You did use your smartphone at the quiz and you know it.
I was checking the spelling.
OK, so all of the visitors check out.
Well, they check in and check out but they're all above board.
- What's that there? - An apple sticker on the baby.
Where do you find apple stickers?
Apples, sticker factories...
The canteen, they sell this exact apple here in the canteen.
We'll wait by the apples, the abandoner comes, we pounce.
No, no, we don't pounce.
However, you can buy those apples in most supermarkets.
OK, I hadn't... I didn't think that through.
No, no, it's a really, really clever theory.
Um... what about a cleaner?
Yeah, what about a cleaner? I've got a suspect, 11 o'clock.
Oh, we've already missed her. Oh, got it, yep, got your tail.
Freeze!
Poor Ilyana thought you were Immigration, no wonder she ran,
and ran, through a hedge.
Again, please pass on my sincere apologies.
- And still no baby mother. - Still trying, we'll find her.
I like that you care, Matthew, it's so unusual in a man.
You've sort of become like an honorary woman.
- It's a compliment. - How could it not be?
It's why I feel so comfortable talking to you about stuff.
That's cool, in which case, I'm a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you. I hardly ever cry, Matthew.
(Sobs)
OK, all right. That's OK.
Shh, shh, shh. It's OK.
- Now you feel like a man again. - Oh, sorry.
Did I say being a man was bad? Pay attention. I'm still upset.
(Sobs)
- There you go. - (Sobs)
(Continues sobbing)
OK. There you go.
- There you go. - Thank you.
Pat, white board marker? Have you seen where I put my...
Ohh!
I mean, hello, you're back.
Wait, let me just engage full wisdom mode.
(Makes robotic sounds)
(Chuckles)
I'm good to go, what can I do you for?
Tallulah told Nathan what you said, put hands down his pants.
This was in Maths, Gary's mum's a teacher.
There was a fight and the police came.
I dumped Nev and he pulled the fire alarm
but Gary's mum's seeing a policeman and a fireman
and they had a big fight but Nev said sorry.
Should I take him back?
Yeah, hmm...
I am going down to the basement and have a think about this.
Just, hmm...
It's a quandary, it is a quandary.
My sources tell me you've been chasing a cleaner.
I erm... I lost my lucky fetoscope
and I thought maybe Ilyana had taken it by mistake.
- Got lots of sentimental value. - Excuse me?
Oh, I didn't think you were still with us, Mrs Nicholson.
You thought I was dead?
I thought she would have returned to the relative safety
of her home by now, Bunting.
Any time now, I think, right?
Tash said you'd had a sleep. How's everything with the baby?
Er... it's more a case of where is he?
- Sorry, I don't follow. - Have you taken him somewhere?
Well, I very much doubt that, Mrs Nicholson.
- Could you look just in case? - Good heavens!
We don't just have babies randomly turning up
all over the hospital, do we, Bunting?
No, that's erm... I don't... I'm not... I don't think I've...
- No. Good heavens. - No.
It's just the thing is, as I was telling Natasha,
I do suffer from somnambulism, I walk in my sleep.
And I sometimes do odd things,
and I leave things in odd places.
Do you? And you mentioned that to Tash?
Yes.
I once wrote a poem on my husband's laptop
and then I put it in the freezer.
- I've got his little bracelet. - Your husband wears a bracelet?
Erm... no, the baby's ID. I was probably doing loom bands.
Anyway, he can't have gone far, can he?
This is very puzzling, Mrs Nicholson.
A missing baby would have turned up by now
and we would have obviously informed you, right, Bunting?
Mm-hm, yes, absolutely Mr Edward.
That's erm, I can't think of a...
I will just go and have a quick little look in Lost Property.
- Have you see a baby at all? - Quite a few.
Oh.
Right...
- Where did she put the baby? - Which baby?
- Hubbard! - In the cupboard! Duh!
Not the mother, where has Pat put it now?
Oh, right, well, Ian, he wanted to get him measured up
for a tiny little police uniform in case there was a photo shoot.
And Pat took him back.
Mrs Nicholson, did she tell you she was a somnambulist or not?
No.
Oh, wait, yeah, yeah, she did. Cos I was going to Google it,
then I found this clip of a cat falling off a thing and forgot.
Oh, my God, Tash!
What the hell's going on?
Mrs Siddiqui could hear you all the way down in theatre
and she's under general anaesthetic.
Mrs Nicholson walks in her sleep.
She took Hubbard, put him in the cupboard and went back to bed.
Is that all?
I thought we had one of those three-layered lemon cakes again.
Later on, when you least expect it,
I'm gonna kick you really hard in the shin.
Well, should we give him back, then?
- No, we should put him on eBay. - I mean, now.
Yeah! Or maybe we could wait two or three weeks for a laugh?
Come on, let's reunite Mrs Nicholson with Hubby.
Oh, has her husband turned up, then?
No, no, he's flying in from Paris or Poland...
...somewhere beginning with P...
P, P... Helsinki!
Oww!
- You said later. - It is later.
There you go, Mrs Nicholson, safe and sound.
- Thank you so much, Officer. - Oh, please, Ian.
- I feel really stupid. - Don't be silly.
It's just lucky I've my highly trained eyes and ears
on red alert at all times.
We're blessed to have quality staff on call day and night.
Thank you... Sorry, I didn't get your name.
- Matthew. - Thank you, Matthew.
I wouldn't be surprised if you got some sort of commendation.
Well done, Ian Hanwell.
How did you find him, exactly?
I just er... heard a little noise
and opened the cupboard and there he was.
He wasn't distressed or anything.
Aw.
Yeah, he was just standing there, you know, on the shelf,
- hands on hips kind of thing. - What?
OK, I think it's probably time for a nap, yes?
Supervised, obviously.
OK, I found some pictures of your husband on Facebook
and I worked with those but then I added my own special sauce.
- Oh, my God! - (Coughs)
Wow, Pat!
You've achieved something I never thought possible.
You've got me thinking my ex- husband was maybe not that bad.
I still get paid though, right?
Yes, yes and I will pay you extra
just to take your dark and terrible gift and seal it up.
Never paint again, Pat, never again.
OK?
You sound just like those women in labour -
"Never again," but you'll soon want to have another painting.
- I've never seen such horror. - Everything all right?
- Oh, fine! - Fine.
Yeah, that was really kind what you did for Ian.
- Oh, no, not really. - Yeah, it was... kind of kind.
Yeah, well, I was going to say that so...
Yeah, well, I said it first so...
Well, but you said it in a shallow sort of a way.
No, I said it in a deep way.
Well, maybe not deep but not shallow. At a normal depth.
Anyway, that was really kind of you, Matthew.
Oh, please!
- Excuse me! - That was just sickly.
I'll see you erm...
- OK, bye! - Bye!
(Mocking) Oh, bye! Don't say it like that.
What? I'll say it however I want. You're not the boss of me.
Hello, I so am! Look, read the badge. Boss of you.
At least I wasn't like (Mocking) Bye, Matthew!
♪ La, la, la
♪ Baby, I care too much
♪ Baby, I don't care enough
♪ There's a new love starting...
Ripped By mstoll