♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body,
do hereby leave my daughter,
Dorothy Zbornak, nothing.
Sophia!
It's a joke. I'm kidding.
Like when I said "sound mind and body."
Sophia, wills are no joking matter.
Charlie tried to be funny with his
and left everything to Henrietta, our prized cow.
Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will
and represented Henrietta on contingency.
There I was presenting my side to a jury of her peers.
It took over six months to get the farm back.
What a terrible story.
I mean it. It's a terrible story.
But you must have been relieved when you won.
Oh, yeah. We celebrated with a big, thick steak.
Hi, guys.
Oh, Dorothy, I'm glad you're here. Sit down.
Oh? What is it, Ma?
As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years
and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.
What estate? Your loofah sponge and bus pass?
Don't forget the four gold teeth
when your father worked at the funeral parlor.
"Perks," he called them.
That's the stock you come from.
I come from grave robbers?
Grave robber, entrepreneur.
Potato, potahto. We had a family to feed.
I hated that cow.
I still don't think she should have been awarded the car.
Not that she got to use it.
Butt out. I'm having an important moment with my heir.
Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.
Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?
I know what I'm doing.
Every Thursday, I watch La Law.
That's L.A. Law.
I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent.
Girls, what am I gonna do?
I got a call from a soldier who just returned from the Persian Gulf.
Don't fall for it, Blanche.
Sal didn't come home from World War II till 1951.
Where was he stationed? In the attic.
Ma, you told me he was in the arctic.
The attic, the arctic. Tomato, tomahto.
He had a family to feed.
Well, anyway, this soldier really did go to the war,
and he's gonna be here any minute,
and I don't know what to do 'cause I can't remember him.
All he said on the phone was that he had
a great time with me the night before he left.
Oh, then it's got to be...anybody.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Ah, there's your unknown soldier now.
Oh, Dorothy, would you please get the door?
And find out his name.
Blanche, what are you so worried about?
The minute you see him, you'll remember.
Rose, he's gonna be standin' up with his clothes on.
He could be... Anybody.
Please, Dorothy?
Oh, all right.
Can I come? Sure, Ma.
Oh, boy. We're going to the living room.
We don't have much of a life, do we, Dorothy?
Dorothy? Dorothy?
Now remember, be nice to him.
He hasn't had sex in over a year.
(LAUGHING)
Look who I'm talkin' to.
Hello, is Blanche here?
Yes, she is. Uh, whom shall I say is calling?
This is kind of embarrassing.
Would you mind telling her Loverboy is here?
Nothing would give me greater pleasure.
Uh, Blanche, Loverboy is here.
Blanche!
Loverboy!
Not a clue.
I just got off the plane. I haven't even been home yet.
I just couldn't wait to see you, Blanche. Oh.
Oh, Loverboy. That's-- That's so sweet, Loverboy.
All those months away I kept saying,
"There's a great lady waiting for you back home, Ken."
Ken! That's it. Of course, Ken.
Then Ken would turn to me and say,
"There's a great lady waiting for you, too, Bill."
"Bill"?
Bill, he was talking to you, right? Yes.
Yes, of course. Darlings, this is Bill.
Well, I guess Bill and I should be going.
I thought we should go back to that same place
where we fell in love, Blanche.
Yes, that's great. That'd be wonderful.
Yes. We'll go right back to...there.
We'll just do exactly the same things we did that night.
Oh, what a wonderful night that was.
Bye, girls.
Not a clue.
Isn't this something, Blanche?
Do you believe they gave us the same table?
Well, why would they seat us separately?
I mean, the same table as last time.
Oh, of course. Silly me.
Oh, and look, even the same chairs.
(LAUGHS)
Blanche, I have a confession to make.
It's not easy.
But something happened over there and I think you should know about it.
Well, I did keep pretty well up with what went on over there.
I saw Schwarzkopf on the Bob Hope special.
What I'm talking about is personal, Blanche.
I know we said we wouldn't even look at anybody else.
But the first night the sirens went off, I got scared.
And there was this nurse that I talked to.
Oh, how could you, Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?
I swear, it didn't mean a thing.
Was she beautiful?
Not as beautiful as you.
Well, I--I, too, have a confession to make.
I got scared, too.
Three, four times a week.
Depending upon how often the phone rang.
You were scared they were calling about me, weren't you, Blanche?
Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's a good one.
Well, if it weren't for your picture,
I don't think I'd have made it through.
My picture?
You know, it sounds corny,
but I put your picture in my locker,
and I would look at it every day.
You don't know how important it is to know
that you've got somebody back home,
especially when you're thousands of miles away
in the middle of a war.
You promised me when I came back,
I would be your one and only guy.
(SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Dance?
Sure.
Welcome home, soldier.
Rose, it's late. What are you doing up?
I'm just cleaning up some things on your mother's will.
Oh, you mean the legal language?
No. I spilled some sauce.
Ma, what are you doing up?
Disappointed, huh?
If I'm up that means I'm alive,
and if I'm alive, it means you can't get your hands on my money.
What are you talking about?
You know about the will.
You know if I die you'll be on easy street.
What did you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash?
Ha, ha! The joke's on you, I don't use it.
Oh, Ma, come on. You're just being silly.
Here, have some tea.
It'll relax you.
Nice try, Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.
Rose, don't!
That tea was for my mommy.
You try to do right by your kids
and you end up as the lead story on Hard Copy.
Do you have any idea what she's talking about,
or do we have to up her medication?
I do know what she's talking about, but I can't tell you.
I couldn't violate the attorney-client privilege.
Especially when we're talking about a sum as large as $35,000.
"$35,000"?
And four gold teeth.
Oops.
Nice going, counselor.
Exactly how close to the television are you sitting
when you're watching La Law?
All right, Ma, enough.
Now, where did you get $35,000?
Did you ever hear of hard work?
Well, your brother and sister had to work very hard
to send me that money.
Are you telling me that all these years you were hoarding money
while I had to make big, huge sacrifices?
I'm not telling you, you're guessing.
But to be perfectly honest, you're getting warmer.
Oh, what a wonderful night.
Now that Bill's getting out of the service,
we can build a life together.
Maybe with a VA loan we can get a nice little house in the country
with a dog, a cat, a station wagon.
Blanche, you're talking like it's 1945.
These aren't the best years of your life,
these are the last years of your life.
Dorothy, tonight, when I was dancing in his arms, it hit me.
One minute I was worried about my hair,
the next I was in love.
Bill is the most romantic man I've ever known.
She always says that when they give her a hat.
Good morning, Dorothy. Don't start, Rose, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry. That good morning crack was way out of line.
Oh, no, it's me.
I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding
all those checks from Phil and Gloria,
while I've had to go without.
Well, now, Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.
That's not what I'm talking about,
but since you brought it up, yes, I can.
If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo,
instead of with...
I better not say anything till I've had my coffee.
A slut and a moron.
I'm sorry, it must be decaf.
Good morning, pussycat.
Huh? What's so "pussycat" about it?
Do you have any idea of how furious I am with you?
All these years I have given up things
so that you could have a decent life.
"No, Ma, I don't need new shoes, I want you to play bingo.
"No, Ma, I don't need that vacation, you need new wallpaper.
"My car will last another year..."
All right, Dorothy. I see behind that mask.
You're angry.
You're damn right, I'm angry.
You've been hoarding money for the last 10 years
and taking advantage of me.
Of course I'm angry.
No, it's something else.
I think you didn't get enough hugs when you were a kid.
It's payback time. Come here, pussycat.
Why don't you hug your money, Ma?
From now on, I'm not paying for anything.
You are on your own.
You can't do this to me. You never touch the principal.
That money's for my old age.
"Old age"?
You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
I'm in my twilight years.
You're in the Twilight Zone.
Hopi Indians are walking around saying, "How does she do it?"
Ma, you're cut off.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I had to see you this morning.
I just couldn't go to the drugstore without giving you this.
Oh, why, thank you.
Why--Why are you going to the drugstore?
I'm your pharmacist.
You're Bill. Bill, the pharmacist.
Bill, the man in your life.
I'll pick you up after work.
Goodbye, my love.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
Girls!
Blanche, what's wrong?
My handsome soldier from last night is a pharmacist,
a name-tag wearing, pill-counting, "Thank you, come again.
"Sorry, we don't validate," pharmacist.
Well, if he doesn't validate, get rid of him.
Yeah, dump him like you do all the rest.
Well, ordinarily, I would, but how--how can I do that?
He's-- He's been dreaming of me for over a year.
And I care about him.
I mean, I care about him when he's a soldier.
Oh, I said things to him last night, I've never said to anybody.
Clean things.
Oh, no, I can't dump this man.
Not after what I've meant to him.
Not after what he's done for his country.
Girls, how do you think this sounds?
"Dear Bill, I always promised my father, Big Daddy,
"that I would never get serious about anybody
"he didn't approve of. Since he is dead, I feel..."
Oh, for God's sake, Blanche.
Well, I guess I could always tell him that he's too good for me.
Sometimes the truth is best.
Here you go. Half butter pecan, half rocky road.
Just like you like it, ma'am.
Thank you, Sophia.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, here, darling, that's for you.
Wow, a whole dollar.
Now I can buy those knee-highs I've been saving up for.
Let me know if you have any more work, Blanche.
Well, I may want you to take this letter
down to the pharmacy and give it to Bill.
Oh, Blanche, you're not gonna send that letter.
I mean, that's so cold.
Don't you think you owe him a face-to-face explanation?
Good job, Dorothy.
Cut off what little income I've got.
Blanche, instead of sending the letter, why don't you talk to him?
I mean, get to know him. Find out where this goes.
You know, ever since we've known you,
you have never once worked on having a meaningful relationship.
I have had many meaningful relationships.
Many, many, many meaningful relationships.
Sharing a worm from a tequila bottle is not meaningful.
No, you find one little flaw in somebody, and you run away.
"A little flaw"? He has skinny arms.
How'd you like to be made love to
by somebody who has arms like your mother?
My father made love to her because of her inner beauty.
He never saw me naked.
I don't know, Dorothy, maybe you're right.
I should try to make this relationship work.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'm gonna go get prettied up
and then I'm going down to the drugstore
and--and get to know more about this man.
You know, Bill's likes, Bill's dislikes, Bill's last name.
I used to put the Haley's M-O on the bottom, nothing.
Then I put it eye level.
The public went nuts.
It was walking out of the store.
People will bend for aspirins.
They won't bend for laxatives.
Isn't that fascinating, Bill.
So, Bill, what's on sale?
Breast pumps. What else?
Afro Sheen. Moving on.
Preparation H. Hot damn.
(CHUCKLING) Isn't she awful?
So, Bill, what other exciting things can you tell me
about the drugstore business?
Blanche, we gotta talk.
You know the laxative thing?
Mmm-hmm. That's about as exciting as it gets.
This place, my job, it's pretty routine.
Oh, what are you talking about? You're a hero.
Over there.
Over here, I'm just an ordinary guy.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Excuse me. Here.
You give your son this every four hours,
and if his fever doesn't go down,
you take him to see el doctor Seigal
at 11th and Lincoln.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey, who says you're not a hero?
Welcome home.
It is home, isn't it?
Last night I wasn't quite here yet.
This morning was real.
When I handed you that rose,
I realized I was standing at a stranger's door.
Because the truth is, I'm not a soldier.
I'm a pharmacist in his 50s,
and you're a woman in her...
Watch it, Bill.
You're a woman in the prime of her life,
who I would like to get to know better.
Slowly.
And we can both see other people?
Sure.
Aw!
Oh, sir? Mmm?
I caught this old lady assaulting a man
over the last tube of Preparation H.
The tube broke and it's all over aisle 7.
I detained her for scooping up the rest of the ointment
and putting it in her purse.
Sophia!
Oh, big deal.
The other guy got away scot-free, and he wriggled in it.
Uh, Ma, I bought you a little something.
You what?
I bought you a new handbag
to replace the one that you ruined at the drugstore.
Oh, thank God.
The other one shrank down to the size of a change purse.
Wait a minute.
What's the catch?
Ma, there's no catch.
I just realized I like taking care of you.
I just wish you could have told me about the money,
so we could be honest with each other.
It's not that I want the money.
If I don't leave my children anything, I'm a nobody.
How many times have I heard,
"He provided well," or, "She didn't leave a dime"?
I want you to be able to have everything you want when I'm gone.
And when you do, you'll think,
"I have this because of Ma."
Oh, Ma.
Life isn't just valued by the money you leave.
It's-- It's the memories. The love.
And you filled my life with that.
You're right, pussycat.
And I should want to see you enjoy some of that money while I'm still around.
Here's a molar.
Buy yourself something pretty.
That is so sweet. Ma, I tell you what.
Let me make you a cup of tea.
I, Sophia Petrillo,
when I die, wanna be blown to a million, billion bits.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I, Sophia Petrillo, leave my daughter
to science.
(LAUGHING)