Britain and America,
the two greatest goddamn nations in the world.
Anyone who disagrees with me,
is a dirty shitter.
We share so much.
A language,
a moral high ground, and a love of war.
But what about the people of Britain and America?
The ordinary folk who make these lands so great.
Who are they? What do they? How do you do?
Let's take a looking at them now,
in Little Britain USA.
One thing both of our countries can be proud of
is that we have the finest juvenile delinquents in the world.
At this boot camp in Utah, some new inmates have arrived.
Everybody out!
On the double!
Make a line.
Move it ladies, move it ladies, move!
Let's go!
Welcome to Wilderness Lodge.
You are here for a reason.
Arson, drug-abuse,
violence, it's going to be tough.
But if you stick to the rules, you'll survive.
OK. Roll call.
Leitasha Dean?
Haley Evans?
Natalie Kirk.
Vicky Pollard.
Yeah. But, no, but yeah, but no, but yeah.
It's me but I shouldn't actually be here because let me tell you the whole thing.
Because this whole thing happened I didn't know nothing about.
A whole load of us went to Disney World, only we all got chucked out
for beating up the Aristocats,
and Hanna Garvey said we should all go back in after midnight
and burn down the Peter Pan ride, as a joke.
So we went back. But I never done nothing,
only pour the petrol, light the match. That's it.
All of a sudden, I started getting blamed for it.
It wasn't just me, but if Kelly Rayman says it was, don't listen to her,
cos everyone knows she dyes her moustache.
I have no idea what you just said. What the hell are you talking about?
My God you're so racist. I just told you the whole thing, so shut up!
Have you been talking to Shelley Cayman?
Cos let me tell you about her because she's well a mixer.
She completely hates me because she really fancies Tony Tozer,
and she's really had it in for me ever since Tony fingered me
round the back of the youth hostel. When she found out, she went mental.
Anyway, I was never even anywhere near that river,
so how could I have pushed that woman in?
OK, shut up now, you're giving me a headache.
I never even said anything anyway. Cos this place is like, well gay.
I said shut up!
And I have shut up. So shut up telling me to shut up.
Shut up!
Yeah, everyone, shut up.
I said shut up!
Shut up.
That was an echo.
OK, everybody inside on the double.
You will be given your bunk assignments. Move!
Can I just say something, cos I haven't had the chance to say anything yet?
I'm not sharing. Can I just say that? I'm being serious.
You know that fat girl with the manky foot? She was eyeing me up on coach.
I reckon she's a lezzer. I don't want to be getting changed
and have her staring at my Dawson's Creek.
Run!
Fine.
Britain has had rude and unhelpful receptionists for thousands of years.
Carol Beer exemplifies this fine tradition.
Hello.
Welcome to St John's Hospital.
My name is Carol. How can I help you?
We need to go straight to the maternity ward.
Right. Admissions.
- Name? - Helen Fisher.
You don't look like a Helen.
- No. I'm Helen Fisher. - I'm Graham Fisher.
Are your brother and sister?
No, we're married. My wife's about to have a baby.
Computer says, "no".
What?
Baby's not due yet. I've got you down for next week.
Look, her water broke. She's having it now. This is urgent.
Right. Better put you under urgent admissions.
Just waiting for the page to come up.
The computer's a bit slow today.
Right. Name?
Helen Fisher.
How did you hear about the hospital?
It's just our nearest hospital.
How satisfied are you with the cleanliness of the hospital?
- It's fine, it's fine! - On a scale of one to 10?
One being extremely dissatisfied to 10 being almost too satisfied.
Look! My wife is about to give birth.
- Can you just call the doctor, please? - It's Dr. Seymour.
Computer says, "no".
Why?
We've got more than one Dr. Seymour.
Do you mean the Dr Seymour in the maternity ward
or the Dr Seymour in the artificial limb unit?
Well, what do you think?
I think it's probably the one in the maternity ward.
I think it's coming.
This is unbelievable. Would you just call the doctor, please!
Dr. Seymour.
Dr. Seymour!
He's not responding.
On the telephone!
Hello, Ticket Master?
I'd like to book a ticket for Phantom Of the Opera, please.
Yes, I'll hold.
I'll call him straight after.
British people have always been fascinated by the Deep South.
We marvel at how liberal your views
are there, compared to ours.
Did you hear on the local news about the man downtown?
They say he got attacked just for the colour of his skin.
That's terrible. There's so much racism nowadays.
There was plenty of racism in your day, Grandma.
You may think that, but truth is, folk were pretty tolerant in them days.
I remember in the town there was a black gentleman.
He was a preacher, man of God.
And he ran for Mayor.
And some of the townfolk elders were up in arms,
"We ain't gonna vote for no Negro," they said.
But he was a popular man. And he became Mayor.
That's wonderful.
Turns out, he was also a Jew, so we shot him.
Divorce is now such a cultural phenomenon in America
that Dolly Parton even wrote a famous song about it,
called, of course, 9 To 5.
So, you're leaving me for a woman?
Now you're a lesbian.
Yeah. Look, can we just get this over with?
I think this is your Scrabble.
I just didn't see the signs. I had no clue you were into women.
Ellen DeGeneres Live In Lesbos?
Yeah, it's mine.
No Balls, Please. The autobiography of Billie-Jean King?
- It's mine. - You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Jodie Foster's Comfortable Shoes?
Yeah. I asked for those for Christmas, remember?
KD Lang action figure?
Anne Heche, The Early Years.
Cagney And Lacey massage oil?
Yeah, these are all mine. Yeah.
Set of The L-Word egg cups.
I never use those, but they are mine. Yeah.
Virginia Woolf blow-up doll?
That was a present from... from Gillian.
So her name's Gillian?
Oprah and Gayle's Big Book Of Dungarees?
- They're not lesbians, are they? - No. No.
Martina Navratilova's Guide To Drinking From The Furry Cup?
Yeah, that's... mine, too.
I guess... that's it.
I suppose this is goodbye.
Wait a sec, what's this?
Sir Ian McKellen's Book Of Men's Bottoms?
That's mine.
80% of Americans are morbidly obese.
The other 20% are just plain fat.
That's why British weight-loss instructor, Marjorie Dawes,
has come to dispense advice.
Hello, fatties!
My God, some of you are big.
I'd like to start with a little game that I play with my British chubs,
called, What's My Low-Fat Option? All right?
Now, we all like fattening foods, don't we?
Yeah. That's why we are fat, isn't it?
Well, you are, I'm not.
So, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to ask you each to tell me your favourite fattening food,
and then I'm going to come up with a low-fat option for you. All right?
Who wants to go first?
Pop your fat paws up.
- Yes, my love. - Hi, I'm Jenny.
And I like ice cream.
Mmm, ice cream.
I think you love ice cream, don't you?
Well, my advice to you, big Jenny, would be,
instead of ice-cream, have an ice cube.
They are delicious and very low in fat.
So, I'm going to put that up on the board
because that's your low-fat option.
Ice...
... koob.
It's quite fun this, isn't it? It's a good laugh.
OK. So, who wants to go next?
Yes, you, the fat man.
- It's Tony. - Fat Tony, yeah.
I love hamburgers. I eat a hamburger every day.
Every hour, by the looks of you!
Cos he's very fat, yeah.
Now, what I would say to you, fat Tony, is,
it's the things inside the burger that make them fattening. OK?
So, cut out the mayonnaise,
cut out the Swiss cheese, cut out the ketchup,
cut out the beef, and just have the bun. OK?
And that's your low-fat option. All right?
Dry...
bun.
Delish! OK, so...
let's have another fatty. Who have we got?
Yes, my illegal friend, yes.
What's your favourite fattening food?
Chocolate.
Sorry, I couldn't quite...
Chocolate.
- Do it again. - Chocolate.
- Do it again? - Chocolate.
- Do it again. - Chocolate.
- I don't know what she's saying. Again. - Chocolate.
She doesn't know what she's...
- Do It Again? - Chocolate.
- Do it again. - Chocolate.
- Do it again.
- Chocolate.
Oh, choc...! No, do it again?
Chocolate.
Must be something they eat over there.
I don't know. Beans, I would imagine.
So, what is the low-fat alternative to beans? Anybody?
A bean.
Yes.
And that is your...
low-fat option.
All right. So, we've got time for...
for one more. Yes, the old one, yes.
Well, actually, I just wanted to let everyone know
my birthday's today, and if anyone would like
to come to my place afterwards for drinks, you'd be more than welcome.
Well, we remembered, and so I baked you this cake.
Happy birthday!
I'm confiscating this.
- But it's her birthday, I made it. - I'm sorry, it's for her own good.
If she took one bite, we'd have to roll her out of here.
OK, that's about all we've time for,
if you'd like to waddle out of the room, we'll see you all next week. Cheerio!
I got to tell her something, I'll be right there.
I'm going on vacation next Friday
so I won't be here for the class next week, is that OK?
Marjorie?
Sure. Just...
make sure you eat sensibly while you're away.
Many miles away, in Dayton, Ohio.
This American couple are waiting for their British relatives to arrive.
I'm making cucumber sandwiches and some scones.
- What do British people like to drink? - Tea will be fine, I'm sure.
With cold milk.
I am nervous. I just want everything to be right for them.
I know they're rather proper, but he's just my cousin, honey, we'll be fine.
- Hi, welcome, Gerald. - Hello, cousin.
- Celia, you know. - Of course.
- Yes. Welcome. - Little Harvey.
Harvey, oh, my goodness, how big you look. Please, come in.
Set your luggage anywhere.
- Kelly is making some tea. - Tea, wonderful.
- It's a lovely house you have here. - Thank you.
I'm sure it doesn't compare to your stately home.
But we like it.
- Tea, anybody? - This is my wife, Kelly.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Hi, Harvey.
- What can I get everyone? - I'll begin with a sandwich, please.
Same for me, please. Thank you.
Are you going to have anything, Harvey?
Bitty.
You had bitty on the plane, darling.
Want bitty.
Are you absolutely sure you don't mind us staying for the whole week?
Oh, don't be silly. It'll be a pleasure having you here.
- Bitty! - Maybe later, hmm?
Want bitty now!
Come on, Harvey. You've had enough bitty for one day.
Want bitty.
All right, then.
So, what do you recommend we do while we're here?
The art museum is popular.
I hope they don't have too much of that modern art.
National...
- Park. - ... park may be more your thing.
You're biting me.
Sorry, Mummy.
We have so much to see and do, we'd better make a proper list, right Gerald?
Oh, yes, make a list, dear.
- No, that's enough, now, Harvey. - Want more bitty.
I'm sorry, I've got nothing left.
Want more bitty.
Bitty.
Would you mind?
Well, we're all family.
On both sides of the Atlantic, marriage is
a wonderful way of destroying not just your own life,
but also somebody else's.
Monkeys.
That looks like the male monkey over there.
That smaller fat ugly one must be the female monkey.
So...
Sitting at opposite ends.
Couldn't be further apart from each other.
So...
Maybe they where once in love, but...
that love died a long time ago.
And all his hopes and dreams with it.
Now they're trapped in a cage.
Imprisoned together in misery.
I really am now just waiting for you to die.
Right, the tortoise.
Over at the White House,
the President is having his first meeting
with the new British Prime Minister.
Do you have the documents British Intelligence put together?
I have them here. I got the Foreign Office to make a copy for you.
What are the bullet points?
Basically, there is a potential threat to our countries.
Nuclear capabilities in the Middle East are being built up.
As we thought.
What we need to do, Mr President, is put on a show of strength.
It's a good idea, Minister.
I mean, if we pose together with our shirts off for the world's press?
- What? - We could get all...
oiled up and have a wrestle.
- Wrestle? - Yeah, 'cause wrestling is quite macho.
I'd let you win, obviously.
Cos you're the President of the United States of America.
I'm not so sure that's a great idea.
Why don't I get my advisers to put together a few options for us?
We wouldn't have to be naked.
- No? - Unless you want, no.
We could wear thongs. Probably be more appropriate,
as we are world leaders.
Sorry to bother you. Hello, darling.
- Prime Minister, have you met Ms Steel? - Is she your mum?
- No, she's my wife. - Hello, Prime Minister.
- Welcome to the White House. - Whatever.
Are you enjoying your stay here with us?
Um, I was, yeah.
Sorry, we're having a meeting here. About, like, world things.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Darling, I just came by to let you know I've managed to move
my meeting forward and I can join you for dinner this evening.
Excellent.
Do we really want her there?
- We'll see you at eight. - Great.
- Goodbye, Prime Minister. - Yeah! Goodbye!
Uh, where were we?
Um... oh, yes.
- Prime Minister, please. - Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.
I want you inside me right now.
Maybe we should resume our talks about the Middle-East tomorrow.
Yes, of course, Mr President.
- Thank you for your time. - Don't! I'm ticklish!
Oh, God!
Prime Minister.
Mr President. You could do some damage with that.
Please.
That's what I call a weapon of mass destruction.
If you like your home, your clothes
and all your personal effects to smell of dog,
why not get a dog?
Phyllis Church is a typical American dog-owner.
Have you finished your business yet, Mr Doggie?
Oh, yes, Mama, that was a big dinner you gave me last night.
- Did you enjoy it? - It was delicious.
I must be the luckiest dog in the world, having a Mama like you.
Oh, thank you! Well, we'd better clean this up.
I wanna see you poop.
I'm sorry?
I wanna see you poop. You always see me poop, I wanna see you poop!
I can't do that.
Sure you can! You can poop for me, it'd be cool.
No... now, come on, Mr Doggie,
let me take you to the pet store and buy you a nice ball.
- Poop! - No.
Poop for me! I said no!
If you loved me, you'd do it.
I don't think I can poop right now.
Sure you can, you've been farting like a trouper all afternoon!
Maybe a little one.
Do it, Goddammit!
It's not easy!
Just relax.
That's disgusting!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
I can explain!
You are one crazy bitch!
Socialite Bubbles Devere is one of the most beautiful women in Britain.
Having fled her creditors there,
she's taken a luxury cruise to Rio.
Well, here goes!
My last lucky chippy.
On three, please, darling.
No more bets.
Number 12. No winners.
Actually, I meant to put mine on 12. Can I have it back please, darling?
I'm sorry, madam. Place your bets.
I'm putting my earrings on 21.
- Your earrings, madam? - Yes, darling. They're Cartier.
Diamonds.
Yeah, same song.
- Go, 21! - No more bets.
Number 29. No winners.
Do it again, do it again. Does anyone mind if we do that one again?
I'm sorry, madam. Place your bets!
Place your bets.
Mrs Devere!
It's Dior, darling.
- Dior? - Yes, Barry Dior.
And my shoes, my lucky shoes on number 5.
I've been married in them five times, they're so lucky.
- No more bets. - I'm feeling lucky, darlings!
Champagne, champagne for everyone!
14. No winners.
Oh. Tap water! Tap water for everyone!
Those shoes absolutely stank, anyway.
Do you mind? Place your bets.
Madam, we cannot accept panties.
Why not, darling? They're encrusted.
- Encrusted? - With rubies, darling.
They were a gift from my dear Arab friend, Omar Sharif.
- I really don't think... - OK, then. Take this as well.
Now, for God's sake, let's play.
No more bets.
Number one. No winners.
Well, I think it's very important to know when to stop.
Good night, darlings.
And so, we have met the people of Britain and America.
Why don't you take a photo, it lasts longer!
Having now seen America, I do feel it has a long way to go if it wants
to be treated as Britain's equal.
Presently, we regard you as a funny little country
with delusions of grandeur.
In fact, I'd hate to be the one to say it,
but a lot of people haven't even heard of you.
Goodbye!
Transcript: chocolate Sync: Benj!