Lee Rhind, you're so raw.
Do the fart face!
Stupid... Get him, Lee!
Whoops! Oh, Yoko,
there was an act of God and your Sea-Monkeys got tipped on the floor.
They were my only friends, Germaine. That is what happens
when you get emotionally attached to plankton, Yoko.
Maybe they're holding their breath till I find them.
Full disclosure - I also kind of trod in the wet patch.
Those monkeys have definitely gone to heaven.
I think today is going to be bad for me.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
OK, I've changed the settings for you, Grampy.
Your laptop might get hacked by cyberterrorists
and turned into a slave bot, but you will be able to download
Game Of Thrones in under two minutes.
Cracking stuff, Aretha.
You've always been good with the technical gubbins.
I have no special knowledge, Grampy.
I've simply chosen not to be massively ignorant
about an inescapable part of modern life.
Yeah, yeah, you tell 'em, kid. I want you in the car
in two minutes, Aretha.
We're going foraging for food, and we're moving sharpish -
Kirstie Allsopp was on last night, so all the posh bitches will be out,
thraping the hedgerows for micro cress.
Can you squeeze one more in the car, Del, drop me home?
Your mum's coming back early from her Titchmarsh Q & A.
Seems they had a falling out while he was signing her book.
She's got form. She threw a punch at Maeve Binchy in Waterstones.
Aye, she's a little firecracker.
Apparently, her new tablets have just kicked in,
so it's going to be all hands on deck this afternoon,
if you know what I mean.
Grampy's sailors have been missing their shore leave.
Dad, please. Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra
and the other one are going on an adventure they'll never forget.
Dad, every time you tell me something
about yours and Mom's sex life,
a fairy gets its wings ripped off.
You get me?
Come on, the babbies. Let's go.
Go, go, go! Come on!
Get a wriggle on.
Yoko, what's up with you, bab?
My Sea-Monkeys died. It was an accident. No-one's fault.
It's not a blame issue.
Germaine, you and Aretha go on your bikes. Grampy's coming in with us.
Those frigging Sea-Monkeys, Yoko.
To be fair, you can't be that sad
about something you can't see with the naked eye.
Now push all that sadness deep down inside yourself,
plaster on a smile, and let's crack on with Tuesday.
Come on!
What say we take the scenic route?
Yeah!
Breathe in that Banks's Brewery, kids. That's your heritage, that is.
Literally, given the amount of money
your grampy's given them over the years.
Aye, the bank of Banks's.
It's all safe in there.
Too big to fail.
Frig me, I love Wolvo.
We're the best, aren't we, Mom? Yes, we are, Wyatt.
We're not Southern twats and we're not Northern twats.
We're Midlands twats.
See you in the morning... if I can still walk.
Dad, seriously, stop it. You'll give me night terrors.
Change gear, you noob.
Look, it's a pikey on a bikey!
Pikey is a pejorative term! Oooh! "It's a pejorative term!"
Aretha, help, I'm being oppressed!
I'll take this, look. Oi!
Aw, do you want it back?
There are CCTV cameras everywhere, you know.
George Orwell's 1984 was entirely prescient. Brilliant!
This is going to be on the news!
You bummers! Oi, Callum! Pass!
Lee!
Aw, pass it, man.
Aw, my butt's itchy!
Lee Rhind has my scarf!
Do you think he wants it as a love token,
like knights a-jousting, in days of yore?
If so, Lancelot is playing the long game.
What the fu...?! Brace!
Oi, Professor Green!
Give her the scarf back, or I'll wheelie this car up your arse,
then park it sideways.
Right, now bugger off out of it.
Come on, let's go.
You two, get to the common.
And, Germaine, you've got the posture of a victim. Sort it out.
Bikes...are...knackering.
No wonder Lance Armstrong took those drugs.
I feel like I've only got one testicle now.
Right, welcome to the common.
This is an oasis of life, this place.
A lot of my nightmares are about here.
Today you're gonna learn how not to starve to death.
We are a trucker's strike away from empty shelves in Tesco,
and hand-to-hand fighting over the last potato.
Meanwhile, there's a blooming buffet going begging here.
Buffet? Is there a cafe? I would love a frappuccino.
I'm talking nature's frappuccino, Germaine.
Anything with "nature's" in front of it is always disappointing.
Right, start looking. If it's in that book, put it in that bag.
That will literally be your tea. I've got nothing else in.
Don't eat anything unless you've looked it up in the book first.
And watch Mariah.
Don't give me that look. You've eaten gravel before now.
Mom's just like Ray Mears, only angrier.
She's RAGE Mears.
You've still got it, Bob.
Paul Newman's eyes, Liam Neeson's hair
and the body of Len Goodman.
This book says you can eat nettles.
Nettles are nature's spinach, apparently.
Surely spinach is nature's spinach.
Oh, look.
He's got such sad eyes.
Oh, my ZOMG. Oh, God!
Ew!
That is some serious horse wanger.
Come away, Germaine. Those aren't sad eyes.
Those are sexy eyes.
And he's looking at you, Yoko.
No, he's not. He's looking at all of us.
No way. It's you he wants. Look.
That's horrible.
There's only one way to make a horse erection go away, you know.
Come on. Walk away from the aroused animal,
and the horse.
If I had sex with a horse, I'd have a baby centaur.
Germaine, if you had sex with a horse, you'd have a criminal record
and a very damaged reproductive system.
Thank you for making the countryside sexual, Germaine.
You are the worst Countryfile ever.
If I presented Countryfile, it would all be about sex.
I'd rename it Cun...
Oh, wait!
I wouldn't need to rename it.
Wow, that's a really edgy name for a programme.
How'd I never notice that?
Mom, nature is whack. Can we go home now?
No, you can't. This is a wonderland of nature's generous bounty.
Frig off and put some of it in a plastic bag.
No. We're rebelling. Take us home.
Excuse me. You are rebelling?
I'm not. This is unilateral.
Well, I am. I'm making a stand.
I am Spartacus! Germaine, you do know that the person who says he's Spartacus,
isn't actually Spartacus?
That's the whole point of him saying it.
Is it? That's not what I took from the film.
Well, Spartacus. You know what happens to you in the end?
I believe I lead the slaves to freedom
and there's some form of parade. No!
You are crucified with Tony Curtis.
So why don't you lead your slaves off over there
and play for 20 minutes while I finish plucking your tea?
Play? What with? There's nothing to play with here, Mom.
And don't tell me to use my imagination
because it is full of Mr B Cumberbatch
holding a baby otter and shouting, "I love you, Germaine."
Are you telling me you can't have fun here?
Are you telling me you don't know how to play?
Right. Well, we'd better do something about this.
Who wants to play a game with Mummy?
Ready, steady, go!
Make the most of it.
In ten years, all this will be underwater.
Shall I let him go?
Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Drop him. Yes! Do it!
He's like Grampy!
Go on! Fetch it! Run!
Isn't this a dog game?
Woof-woof! Woof-woof! Woof-woof!
I've shown you the basics. You're on your own from here.
Do you think there might be any toilets here?
The only toilets around here are nature's toilets, Yoko.
If I go in, will you keep a lookout for me?
Yep, very well.
Can you see me? Yeah.
Can you still see me?
Yep. Yoko, turn around and you can tell that I can still see you.
Hiya.
Take that, Mariah, you tiny loser!
Aretha!
You know that thing you told me never to tell Germaine about?
Good. You've done the right thing coming to me with this.
I'll handle things from here. Come with me.
Mom. Yoko has become a woman. Bollocks.
We've not been out here that long.
No - the other kind of "becoming a woman".
Right, I see. Well, I can't deny that one.
That's the trump card. You got me there.
Fine, let's do some parenting, then. Aretha, fetch Germaine.
Yoko, get in the vehicle.
Germaine!
Aretha, I have huge news.
Look. What?
It says "Rhind" on that van. Rhind!
That's Lee's...dad's...van.
Parked outside Lee's house. It's VANHALLA!
That is Lee's house!
It's the castle... A terraced house.
...of dreams. Of a plumber.
Germaine! Get in the car.
Do we have to go, Mom? Nature just got good.
Yoko just got her period, Germaine. What? Seriously?
Thanks a bunch, Yoko. Listen to me, Germaine.
We are going to handle this event well, together, all of us.
I am sick of this family being shit about periods.
My mum was a frigging nightmare about mine. That ends here.
Must it?
Can't we just make reference to Lord and Lady Chessington
visiting their country estate and leave it at that?
Now I get why that horse wanted to mate with you and not me.
It could tell you were on heat. Germaine! Retract that.
That's exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about.
Yoko, no-one can tell when you've got your period.
It's totally private.
Unlike everything that's happening right now, which is totally not private.
What's a period?
It means there's blood coming out of Yoko, Wyatt.
And not just any blood.
In my experience it can be all thick and viscous, like jam.
Those are just berries, bab. Chill.
You're a man of peace. You won't want to see this, mate.
Wyatt, you don't need to know the details of this stuff.
Go over by the fake tan and the bronzing mitts. You'll be safe there, poppet.
Welcome to the Aisle of Shame, Yoko.
Stop that right there, Germaine. I mean it in a bonding way.
I'm taking away the fear with humour.
Yoko, I once had a period that lasted three months.
My nails turned blue and I fainted in Costcutter.
Right, Yoko. Let's get you kitted out.
You probably want to start off with these.
They're basically a small mattress in your pants.
They're simple, and they get the job done.
We'll leave the talk about what they do to the environment
and how you're basically better off with a flannel for another day.
Another thing that happens when you get your period, you get very tired.
I once couldn't pick up a cat.
I feared this would happen.
When I got mine she made a video announcement on Facebook.
I use these inside-y ones.
I think of them like little mice. Eek-eek.
Then I put it in my lady mouse hole.
Lady mouse hole?
They've got "drops" ratings on the side of them.
One drop is just, like,
"Turn your knickers inside out, nothing's really happening here."
Five drops is "Carrie".
On five-drops days,
I wonder if Michelle Obama's having her period, too.
I find it comforting.
What have you said?
I don't think I want to be a woman, Mom.
No-one does, love - but the men are too chicken-shit to handle it,
so here we are.
Aretha, go next door and get one of those fuck-off big Toblerones.
I've got beef bourguignon, Michael Caine and a Viennetta.
So, knickers off, love. Forever's going to start tonight...
Right, I want you home in half an hour.
And don't get bullied again, all right? Give me that scarf.
Never provide them with a prop, Germaine.
But Mom, it's jaunty.
It's bait.
Just eat it from the top, like a carrot.
There went Yoko. The last chopper out of 'Nam.
Funny. I'm not sure how I feel about Yoko menstruating.
Be sure and tell me when you decide, cos, I really, really want to know.
Hang on, Aretha. I've just got to do something.
I'm touching Lee's fence. I'm dabbling in the forbidden.
I need to supersize this experience, Aretha.
Take it up a notch.
I'm going to touch Lee's house.
I've come too far to give up now.
You've come from the kerb to the fence, Germaine!
Look, Germaine!
Right. I have taken the picture.
I have visual evidence of the trespass. Let's go.
I'm going to put my hand inside Lee's house.
Oooh... It's a tight fit.
And I'm in!
The Facebook location for my hand is "Chillin' At Lee's Crib".
Right, I'm leaving. I think my presence is enabling you.
Wait! Aretha! Wait for me.
My hand! It's stuck!
HAL won't open the pod bay doors, Aretha.
Aretha!
Argh! It's swollen. It must be the excitement.
I've tumesced below the wrist. I've got a hand-on.
Jesus, Germaine...
Seriously! I can't feel it any more. Please. Go and get help.
But not Mom!
All right. I'll get Grampy. He's just round the corner.
If something happens to me and I don't come back,
you've seen 127 Hours. You know what to do...
Grampy...
Right, then, you little minx, you ready for some more?
Cos I'm good to go till the cricket starts.
Aretha!
Jesus, Germaine.
I saw... I saw... No, I can't say it.
I can feel my mind repressing it even now. There it goes. Into my unconscious.
OK, it's gone.
Did you get Grampy?
Grampy's going to have to be dead to me for a while. So I called Mom instead.
You called Mom?!
Yeah, because Grampy was... He was... No...
It's OK. It's all just melted away.
Aretha, hide me! Hide me, Aretha!
Look, Dad. It's Prince Harry!
Oi! Ginger balls!
Boom!
This isn't Lee's house, Germaine.
You're sodomising the wrong house.
I was daring to dream, Mom. Like Obama.
You can't blame me for that, right?
Right then, Barack, let's get this hand out.
I've got Fairy Liquid, Swarfega and the axe.
Hmm, not really the axe. I'm just having some mom fun.
Getting through the day...
Joking again! Of course I brought the axe. So, shall we lob it off?
No! Mom!
I thought that might do the trick.
Take it from me, nothing makes an unwelcome swelling disappear
faster than the sight of an axe.
So, that was Rambo First Blood. What next?
There are loads more period-themed films to go.
There Will Be Blood, Crimson Tide, The Hunt for Red October...
Aye aye, the babbies...
Ooh...
Oooh. My quads are tight.
It's like I've been riding a bucking bronco. Which in a way, I have.
Dad!
Anyway, I've heard it's a special day for a certain young lady.
So I've brought you a present.
Hang on to your freedom, Yoko.
Don't be weighed down by your jam-rags.
Roller blades, Dad? With Yoko's co-ordination?
You might as well break her collarbone now and have done with it.
Just think, Yoko.
In four weeks you get to do this all again!
Ooh. 28 Days Later! That's another one for the film list!
Just keep taking the painkillers, Yoko. They blot her voice out.
And on the plus side, there's only 40 more years of periods to go.
Then the menopause will kick in, and everything will be OK.
Hah! Tell that to your nan next time she's parallel parking
during a hot flush.
Oooh, she gets in a tiswas.
Well, as the only things we've managed to forage today are 40 Always Ultra,
I've got precisely bugger-all in the cupboard.
So I'm going down the chippy. Who wants chips?
Yay! Nature's chips!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.