♪ Ya-da-da-da-da Here is Triumph ♪
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com
♪ Ya-da, ya-da-be-doo-be-doo ♪
Junie, I just want to wish
a happy 16th birthday to your hip.
Oh, Jackie, you remembered after all.
Well, sweet 16.
Now, open your present,
which I think you'll find pretty hip.
(laughs)
(gasps) Oh, Jack!
It's an iPad!
(chuckles) I know!
The nice man at the Apple Store
said that every white person has one.
Well, Jack, you know that I'm frightened of progress.
Well, no, iPads are much simpler.
If you have any questions at all, you can ask Siri,
the lady that's stuck inside the machine. (chuckles)
(beep) Uh, Siri, what time should June take her pink pills?
(beep) June is scheduled to take 20 milligrams of Fosamax
at 12:00 P.M.
Ohh, Jack! It's wonderful! I love it!
I don't know what to say.
What's the matter?
Stroke got your tongue?
I'm talking to my new pal Siri.
Oh, Siri! (beep)
Siri, what's the best way to lick yourself? (beep)
I don't know, but I think there's an app for that.
(laughter)
Siri's got a sense of humor.
(falsetto) Hee-hee! Sense of humor! (normal voice) We'll see.
(beep) Siri, does C-3PO make you use a strap-on?
(beep)
I'm not sure what you mean by that.
What are you doing to my present?
Yeah, sorry, buddy, but Siri's a computer program.
I don't think his insults are gonna affect her.
No!
(beep)
Siri, how does it feel knowing
your parents were Steve Jobs and a tissue?
(beep)
June, it's 9:30 A.M.
Time to soak your nethers in Epsom and warm water.
Thanks, Siri!
(beep)
Siri, is it true that Tim Cook liked women before he met you?
(beep)
Searching results for women's cookbooks.
Oh, Christ, you stupid bitch!
I mean, I kid. You're terrific. Terrific.
Yeah, you're just what every guy wants in a woman.
A voice with no vagina. (beep)
Calling Noah Gina.
Contact not found.
(sneezes)
Killing your spirit
will be harder than finding a chow chow's clitoris.
But, Siri,
as Kevin Smith says to every toilet he sits on,
"I will break you."
♪ Ba-ba-boo-ba-bee-ba ♪
Hey, Triumph.
Do you happen to have a non-bolo tie?
I mean, I got a stock-broker exam,
and I really want to fit the part.
Not now, Fatone!
I'm working!
(grunts)
Ahh.
Aren't you gonna make fun of my suit?
Oh, yeah. Uh, wh--
Where did you buy that suit? The Men's Wearhouse of Pancakes?
You know what, I really have to focus all my energy
pooping on this stupid whore, so please leave, Fatone.
(beep) Did you just call me fat?
What? (door closes)
No, I didn't call you fa-- (beep)
Did I deserve that?
I'm not fat.
Everyone else is too skinny.
Fat...
Of course!
A woman!
Siri's a woman!
(beep)
Siri, how much memory do you have?
Is it in megabytes, gigabytes, or pepperoni bagel bites?
(beep) Please stop talking about my weight.
(beep) Siri, are you mad that the App Store
doesn't sell mozzarella sticks?
(beep) That's mean. Please stop.
- Siri, search... - I hate myself.
- ...how can a computer lose weight? - Bad self image.
- Siri, search... -My father was emotionally distant.
"Ben & Jerry fan fiction."
- Where are those cupcakes? - Siri, because of you,
- My life is over. - it's impossible to find a Blackberry
- I'll never amount to anything. - ...pie!
- I'm a fat cow. - Blackberry pie, see,
- because you ate all the pie! - Cow. Cow. Cow.
(laughing) You ate all the pie!
(electronic beeping) Cow. Cow. Cow.
I did it!
I broke the bitch!
Yes!
There it is.
You know, I've been looking for this all day. (chuckles)
I didn't know when I should take my hunch inhibitors or--
or use my gout whistle.
(beep) Siri, what time is it?
(beep) Who cares?
Well, what do you mean, Siri?
I have a Steve Harvey-hosted Family Feud to watch.
(beep) We're all going to die anyway.
Jackie! Triumph broke my Siri.
Broke Siri? Aw, let me see.
(beep) Good evening, Siri.
How do you... make tater tots?
(beep) Are you saying I'm fat?
Go [bleep] yourself.
Oh.
Oh. Well, that doesn't sound like the Siri I know.
Hold on. Oh.
(beep)
Siri, fix June's Siri.
(beep) Oink oink, I'll never know love. (beep)
You broke all the Siris on our iGadgets.
Yes! All of them!
Well, this is rotten,
but I will not miss that "Feud."
Jack, turn on the TV.
Breaking news.
Siri, the personal assistant on all Apple products,
has been infected with a virus.
All around the world, Siris are reportedly glum,
listless, even suicidal.
And Apple stock has plummeted
as angry customers flood their stores.
And now we return to the Steve Harvey-hosted Family Feud
on another channel.
Oh, no. Poor Apple stock.
Oh, but we can save this.
If we just get our Siri fixed at the Genius Bar.
It's just like a regular bar, except for most everything.
All right, excellent.
Go ahead, Jack. Start the car.
I'll be right out.
We'll fix that Apple stock.
(dialing)
Yes, Joey, it's me.
Justin Timberlake?
Oh, of course I'll do an *NSYNC reunion.
Finally! The band's getting back together!
Uh, calm down, Joey.
The only band in your future is a lap band.
Now, listen to me. When you finish that broker test,
buy me all the Apple stock you can.
- What stock? - Apple, I said.
as in, (chuckling)
"Joey's new girlfriend has an Adam's apple."
- ♪ Ba-da-la-boop ♪ - Well...
this is the store I bought it from,
so they should be able to help us.
All right. Better be quick, then.
Holy crap. Line here, too?
Look at you people. What an assemblage.
- Who was first? - I was.
That's incredible. Look at you. I can't believe it.
How could you have possibly beaten out
all those other sperm?
(laughs)
I know you took a lot of time to come out here.
Yes, I didn't even sleep even two hours last night.
When you get back home, you'll have a lot of
back-masturbating to do.
(laughs)
- Hi. - Hi, how are you?
Hi. I'm good. Do you, um --
Do you want to just play a game while we're waiting in line?
- Sure. - Uh, okay.
Um, what about the movie game?
Uh, it's where I'll say a movie, then you say a movie,
then we'll just go back and forth till we run out.
- All right, let's do it. - Okay, um,
Citizen Kane.
Um, Bourne Identity.
Uh...
Oh, my gosh.
I know there are others.
So, you buy all the products, right?
- I do, yes. - So much cool stuff,
like the new iOS has a new, improved alarm clock.
Yes, it does.
Now all you need is a reason to get up in the morning.
(laughs)
Look at this line. It's so big.
If only the 6-year-old Chinese boy who built your iPad
could have lived to see it.
This is the prototypical Apple consumer right here.
I bet you have a band.
- No, not anymore. - Okay.
I bet you have an upcoming show at an art gallery.
Uh, no, not anymore for that, either.
Okay, I bet you have your father's credit card.
Actually, yeah.
(both chuckling)
Okay!
Give me your space in line.
I don't know if I could do that.
Maybe this will interest you.
(laughing) Artisanal cheese.
No, I don't really need any cheese.
Try and resist these...
Arcade Fire tickets.
(laughter)
Hipster resistance fading.
I'm good on that.
Tickets and the cheese
and a picture of ChloÃ« Sevigny
for you to kiss.
That's a pretty good deal.
And for the hipster lady in your life,
a picture of Ira Glass from NPR.
I've never seen him in real life.
And now I'm also going to throw in a black friend.
(chuckling) A black friend, all right?
This is far more prestigious than holding an iPhone.
I could use one of those.
This will give you street cred.
Jack, look over there.
That's who we need to talk to.
- The Genius bitches. - Ah, the Genius people.
Can you help us, please?
This belongs to a dear old lady.
Uh, she uses it for everything.
A suppository mirror,
but please, can you just help us? It's broken.
Hmm. I think you're gonna have to come with us.
Okay, but you can help us?
- Yeah, yeah. - Uh, we can help you.
I don't understand. This isn't the front door.
What-- What are you doing?
I'm sure there's just a misunderstanding
that we can work out.
Oh, a secret room. (chuckles)
Are we in Heaven?
I thought there'd be more than two virgins.
We know this is the iPad that started the Siri epidemic.
You two are in big trouble.
Oh, no!
What are you going to do,
overcharge me for a power cord?
That's for Apple agent Riker to tell you.
I hope you aren't thinking about running, boys.
Now, what exactly--
Shut up, tan girl.
Not only did you tank Apple's stock,
but you broke our first lady.
What are you talking about, "lady"?
She's no more a real person
than your wife's shower massage is George Clooney's tongue.
Siri, like all of our Apple employees,
is based on a living, breathing human being.
Behold...
I'd like you to meet Susan Bennett,
the voice of Siri.
Ever since you broke Siri, Susan has been despondent.
It is the worst thing to happen to Apple
since we ran out of cats to name operating systems after.
And we demand an apology.
Apology. Okay. How do these things work?
Go on, buddy. You can do this.
Well, sometimes I daydream about making an apology.
It must be amazing.
In fact, often, I wish I was rude to someone
just so I can say, "I'm sorry," for once.
Maybe it is just a dream.
Ah, like getting to see a mouse balance on an avocado pit. Or may--
Would you shut up and let him apologize?
Uh, I'm sorry.
(breathes deeply)
That was nice. (chuckles)
You bootlicking, disgustingly polite,
cheerful, well-mannered, asexual...
Wait a minute.
Geniuses, prepare the iCasket!
What's going on?
Jack. You're going to be our new Siri.
Oh, uh, okeydokey. (chuckles)
Wow, look at that.
It's Martha Stewart's outhouse.
Wait, I got more.
Hey, look at that.
It's Khloé Kardashian's maxi pad.
Better.
Hey, look at that.
Looks like Hilary Swank lost a tooth.
Shut up.
Now what?
Now we scan his entire brain for every bit of knowledge
he has ever downloaded since birth.
Just sit back.
This usually takes about 3 1/2 hours.
(ding!)
Child actor.
(sighs)
Gentlemen...
Set your pricing guns to stun.
We have a new Siri.
Does this mean I get solid food again?
No.
♪ Doo-doo-doo-bee-doo-bee-doo ♪ (beep)
Siri, what's the best coffee shop around Glendale? (beep)
Well, I don't know about that,
but what if you and your friends
just stay home and tell stories?
(beep)
Siri, what time do I take my medicine?
(beep) Hmm, that's a hard one,
but if you ask me, the best medicine is laughter.
And the best doctor is
"Family Feud's" own Steve Harvey.
Ohh! Amen to that!
(both chuckle)
Apple stocks have soared
since the introduction of the new Siri.
While users aren't getting much practical information,
like how to get home,
they are charmed by this robot yokel's
down-home goodness and less-intimidating demeanor.
He doesn't make me feel so stupid,
like the old Siri did.
(beep)
Siri, how was President Lincoln killed?
(beep) You know what? I'm not sure.
But I say let's let bygones be bygones.
I make them feel less stupid.
What's up, bitches?! (rap music plays)
Triumph, what's up with you?
Are those Manolo Blahniks on your paws?
I bought them on credit, but they're as good as mine.
Just waiting for my Apple stock to peak.
Oh, yes!
Make it rain! Hee-hee-hee!
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Oh, Tofutti,
please bring me a stogie, my little pierogi.
- Aw! - Aw, there she is.
Hey, take one. Don't offend her.
(beep) Smoking is a filthy habit.
If you want to put something fun in your mouth,
How about the word of God?
All right, he's creepy, all right, that Siri.
But keep driving up the price.
You know, I may be the first person to say this
who doesn't work at a bakery,
but Joey Fatone is making me rich!
♪ Ah-doo-bee-doo ♪
(sighs)
Psst.
Tofutti.
Wake up.
I got one more shtup in me.
Nah, she's spent.
Well, I guess it's time to hump one out.
(singsong voice) Got my hump pillow.
Okay.
Ooh, what's it going to be tonight? Let's see.
(clears throat)
BackdoorBeagles.com?
Oh, oh, wait, yeah.
TaintBernards.com.
That's it. Oh, yes!
(chuckling) Take it all, lucky.
- Oh, yeah... - (beep) Hey, there, user.
What you watching?
Shut up, Siri! I'm busy!
Oh, yes, bury that bone! Bury that --
(beep) My cousin Elmer had a dog just like that.
I mean, the one that's trying to hide in the other.
All right, good night!
Christ! I give up.
I'm as soft as Kevin Spacey with a guy his own age.
And now I can't sleep!
(dialing)
(telephone rings)
Yeah, this is Vinnie Pastore from The Sopranos.
Hey, Vinnie, how's your porn-watching going?
Not good. Siri talked me into doing my taxes early.
But all my bada-bing juices are all backed up now.
Damn it!
Siri's harshing everyone's fap time!
I've got to sell my stocks before they plummet.
Hey, Vinnie, you interested in buying some stock?
Bada-bing!
That's a "yes," right?
Good.
Expect a call from Joey Fatone.
When you see his name on caller I.D.,
fight the urge to not pick up.
♪ Doo-doo-dooby-dooby-doo ♪
Hey, what's wrong, pal? You look tired.
That voice again! You!
(telephone ringing)
This is Jack Mlicki.
Mlicki! I need you here right now!
But Mr. Hargraves, my TV mom's new hip
just turned 16 the other day,
and I was gonna go teach it to drive.
Mlicki, I don't know why it's happening,
but the museum is filled with feverish men
defiling themselves to all of our precious art,
and not just the Georgia O'Keeffes.
They're over-appreciating the abstract sculptures, too.
Mlicki! Get over here!
Uh, yes, sir. I'll be right there.
Oh, yes! Apple's in the crapper!
Tofutti,
for once, I pulled out in time, baby.
Oh, hey, I remember you guys.
♪ Doo-doo-doo, bah-bah-boo ♪
You idiots broke the world.
Oh. Sorry.
No, you did worse than that.
What the [bleep] is Law & Order: Special Balding Unit
talking about?
You broke porn.
It's the cornerstone of America's economy.
Our infrastructure, our civilization
depends on porn!
We've exhausted our resources. It's up to you.
Break him, boys.
Break Siri like you did before.
It's no use.
This-- He's built up a natural resistance.
Let me give it a shot.
It's time to kill... with kindness.
(beep)
Hey, Siri. How you doing today?
(beep) Uh, well, I'm feeling pretty--
Hey, look at me talking your ear off.
How are you?
(beep) I asked first, liverwurst.
(beep) I'm happy as long as you're happy.
(beep)
Well, good luck finding somebody happier than me.
Oh, my God. It's a Jack-off
Say, Siri, what's your favorite thing about a beautiful day?
(beep) I guess I'd start with the sunshine.
(beep)
Well, I do see your point,
but my peepaw Ralph told me
that God made the sky first,
and then he went and put the sun in it.
(beep) That's a little simplistic, but okay.
(beep) But then the sun got lonely,
So God made skin and put people in them
so the sun could warm them.
And then he'd feel important.
(beep)
Okay, now, that's just stupid. (beep)
And tsunamis is just God getting out of the bath.
(chuckles) (beep)
All right, you need to shut up now, you overly polite,
asexual, Santa-fearing, jerky-craving,
Undercover Boss-watching, I-support-the-troops, and
Pie-on-a-window-sill-smelling mother-[bleep].
Mother-[bleep]. Mother-[bleep].
(electronic beeping)
You did it.
You actually broke an Apple product
without resorting to holding it, plugging it in,
or using it as directed.
(chuckles)
America thanks you, boys.
Soon enough, this version of Siri
will just be a distant, horrible, yet oddly fond memory.
Yes. Just like Jay Leno.
What?!
Today I'd like to introduce
the newest member of the iPhone family...
The iPhone Gabagool.
All right, maybe it was good that I sold.
♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da ♪ Boom!
♪ Ba-ba-deeeee ♪
Whoo! What the [bleep] are you doing eating my phone?!
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com