So, gentlemen, you have evidence
that the Newport land should be preserved.
Absolutely.
You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest
in the Church of the Reasonableists.
Oh, boy.
The land is sacred in our religion.
Because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted
when Zorpe the Lizard God passes through
Jupiter's sphincter.
- Hail, Zorpe. Both: Hail, Zorpe!
I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case
that the Newport land should become a park,
and not a corpate campus.
Religious reasons, animal conservation,
historical significance.
Anything.
So hold on to your straws, everybody.
'cause Mama's going graspin'.
In 1980, there were more than 600 million
Indiana brown ants in that forest.
Today, there are only 595 million.
At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 2030.
- 60. - 200 and 3,060?
- 200,000 years from now? - Yes.
That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis.
I got a different idea for that land.
An amusement park with rides and food
and sexy cartoon characters.
- I call it Disneyland. - How did you get in here?
Broke a window.
[triumphant music]
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.
You guys, I am Roscoe.
I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.
Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes
and just kick back.
Now, peep this.
Leslie Knope has been meeting with people
to try to sexy-up her presentation.
So we had this far-out brain tornado.
Good idea.
We should get a brity to come kick it with us small time,
and then just be like, "Hey, chumps.
Let's get tight with Gryzz."
We need a celebrity.
As a minority owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash.
That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.
Celebrities can help with this kind of thing.
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn if it weren't for Jay-Z.
And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof
once Elton John bought 'em.
Exactly.
Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee,
so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone
feel more at ease with us.
And that's why we called on you home court chillers
to frack your braniums.
Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.
- I got it in context. - Okay.
I have no interest in consorting with celebrities.
The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker
Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious
16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus,
the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago.
Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers
through the door of my meat shed.
One day, Magnus. I will wear you as a jacket.
Have you thought about this. You could be an airline pilot.
- I don't like heights. - What about a submarine pilot?
- I don't like depths. - Mm.
I don't like anything, okay.
You're not gonna be able to find a career for me,
so just give up.
No way, babe. We can do this.
Let's play a game. Okay?
You say a word, I say a word. We see if it makes a profession.
- Executive. - Trampoline.
- Computer. - Trampoline.
- Pass.
Hey, Leslie?
I need both you and Ron to sign this city point of sale document
since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits.
Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this?
Well, I love it when you talk point of sale doc,
'cause you know it turns me on, but, no, no.
There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson,
unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing
him out as the man who betrayed me.
That's him, officer. Ronald Swanson.
[deep voice] Thank you, Leslie.
That's the fifth crime you've solved this month.
I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge
and a siren for your car.
Could you please focus? It'll take two minutes.
And all signatures need to be notarized, and I really don't
want to have to schedule two different notary appointments.
Uh, not to eavesdrop, but I have a crazy story.
I recently had a bit of a health scare,
just a couple weeks in the hospital.
Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.
Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out
to finally live life to the fullest.
So...I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams.
And I became a notary public.
So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie
can sign the document separately.
Yeah, see? Ben, it all works out.
I'll sign the documents here and then you can bring it to Ron
and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron
to rot in hell.
How long are you two gonna go on like this?
You're acting like a little kid.
No, I'm not.
And infinity plus one year.
Andy? Bring me the next person.
Perd Hapley. Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Tom Haverford?
That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me
a celebrity.
Yeah, that's your handwriting.
These are all great options, but I think we need
to go after Pawnee's biggest fish--
Annabel Porter from Bloosh.
That horrifying lifestyle newsletter
filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes?
Forget it. That woman is my nightmare.
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.
Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle
two years in a row.
Hi, Leslie.
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society.
Oh, yes, Bill. I remember you.
I heard you were looking for information
on the Newport land, and I have some very exciting news for you.
It concerns William Henry Harrison.
We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero
because he was the first governor
of the Indiana territories,
and then President of the United States.
We're also a little ashamed of him
because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration,
caught a bad cold and died 32 days later.
He's an embarrassing footnote.
But he's our embarrassing footnote.
I've recently self-Published a biography about Harrison
entitled, Barely A President.
William Henry Harrison's 32 Days In The White House."
I discovered that Harrison had
a heretofore unknown hunting lodge
on the very land you're trying to acquire.
Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.
If a U.S. President had a house on that land,
it could qualify for historic landmark status,
and we could really stick it to Ron's team.
Which would be icing on the cake,
not the reason why we're doing this.
Okay. Show me this incredible lodge.
Let's go.
That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.
Oh, babe. I'm sorry you had to hear that.
You're safe now.
Hey, Ron.
Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign
this point of sale document.
And please sign it in cursive.
It raises a lot of red flags if you--
- No. - Okay.
So... what's Leslie up to?
Well, I don't think I should discuss that,
given that you're in competition.
- Need to remain neutral. - Fair enough.
Terry, what's Leslie up to?
She is trying to find a historical to earmark
the land for preservation.
Terry, come on, man.
Leslie, you little sneak.
If Leslie's going for a hook, we should too.
Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person. Yes!
Glad to see you finally come around
after these two minutes of insanity.
Now will you please consider investing
in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about.
Toddler cologne.
Baby--tsst tsst-- you smell good.
Here we are.
Here we are, like, "Here's the place where I buried the map
that will show us the way to William Henry Harrison's
awesome hunting cabin?"
- No, this is all that's left. - This place is awesome.
Hey, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.
Okay, you know, I love William Henry Harrison as much,
if not slightly more than the next guy, but this is garbage.
I mean, literally, there's a bag of old hamburgers over there.
What? Ohh.
We're running out of time and we need to beat Ron.
So...we're gonna have to use this old pile of bricks.
I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison.
Let's head to the Harrison Museum over in Vincennes.
I volunteer there part time.
I just found an artifact! Historical artifact.
William Henry Harrison's wig.
- Andy, put that down. - Cool.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm sorry, but there's a page missing from the document
so then the signatures are invalid.
Can't we just say it was there?
You're asking a notary to lie.
I signed an oath, Ben.
And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.
William Henry Harrison is totally ridiculous.
They can't even fill a small museum with real stuff
about his life because he was so lame.
The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room" explores how great America
would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration.
And not died.
[Tubthumping playing] This room is called
"Other Things That Were Famous for One Month."
Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14.
And while you're here, why not visit
the "Other Famous Harrisons" exhibit.
Okay, guys, this is so great.
During the election campaign of 1840, William Henry Harrison
supporters rolled this ten foot tin and paper ball
down country lanes all across America.
And--And they would sing along with a jug band,
and it was just so exciting.
People would come for miles just to see it.
Why, was there something inside this stupid ball?
Ooh, like a giant hamster?
This is what we have to work with, okay.
We are up against a very flashy internet company,
and we should be aiming for quantity over quality.
So we're gonna throw a bunch of Harrison facts at them
and a big pile of bricks and whatever else we can find.
Quantity, people. Quantity!
Wow.
This is exactly what I imagine Heaven looks like.
Right down to the unisex linen tunics.
- Annabel, ma cherie. - Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late for our coven.
I was polishing my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub.
Apology accepted, and then
I have no reaction to anything else you said.
I can't help but ask, what's in right now?
Well, this season I'm intrigued
by...asymmetrical overalls,
angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced
Italian flip flops.
Also, there's a flirty trend in beverages.
So you've had soy milk and almond milk.
Now try the hottest new craze...beef milk.
It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes
in living cows.
It's fucking milk.
- No. - No.
Milk cost $3 a gallon.
Annabel's authentic, hand-strained
teat-to-table beef milk,
that costs $60 a gallon.
Yeah, and there's a wait list.
This woman knows business.
And I'd be extremely jazzed to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.
Shall we discuss it in my yurt? Great.
Ron? Okay, let's try this again.
All pages accounted for, just sign right here.
How is Leslie doing with her quest?
Again, I don't want to talk about her plan with you,
nor yours with her.
- Sure you understand. - Absolutely.
Terry, what is Leslie up to?
Oh, getting ready for a big press conference.
Terry, come on.
A press conference.
So she's found something to strengthen her bid.
Ms. Porter, no need to discuss any further.
You will be the face of the Gryzzl bid.
Smashing.
Well, this calls for a celebratory dram of aged grappa.
- Okay, so I just sign here? - No.
No, no! Aw.
Great. There you go.
- Yeah, that's invalid now. - Yeah, I know.
Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?
I just wanted to say that I really like your museum.
It's weird and sad and unnecessary.
Is there, like, a museum curator position I could apply for?
Sorry, everyone here is a volunteer.
Though you do get a yearly stipend
of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.
Accepted only at that vending machine.
- Thanks. - That's a bummer.
But, hey, hey, listen.
Maybe you could start your own museum.
About what?
I'm sorry, but I am not like you.
You love everything.
The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late,
and weird birthmarks.
You can't make museums about those.
- This is another dead end. - Guys?
Let's keep it going, right?
Somebody grab the reading glasses,
somebody grab that walking stick.
Grab everything you can.
I'm officially dubbing this Operation Quantity.
Oh, thank God you're still here.
I cannot believe the weird notary hell
I've been trapped in.
Been more like heaven for me. I mean, what a day.
- What's Ron up to? - Okay, I am not--
- No, no, you have to tell me because you legally vow yourself
to me in marriage.
- Sucker. - Okay, fine.
They got Annabel Porter to be the celebrity face
of their group.
Little rat.
Okay. Two can play this game.
Bill? Operation Quantity needs a face.
Does William Henry Harrison have any direct descendants
in the area?
One--a distant nephew named Zack Harrison.
This is our guy. American royalty.
His veins pulse with the blood of our storied forefather.
Zack Harrison? I went to camp with this guy.
Ha ha!
No one would ride in the boat with him
'cause he had terrible B.O., and then he went with Janine,
our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.
Well, he's American royalty, okay?
And we need him for the press conference, and we need
all of this stuff.
So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this mole hill.
- Leslie, I do-- - Quantity, people.
Notary public's can trace our origin all the way back
to ancient Rome.
- No way. - Calvin Coolidge was a notary.
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad
and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.
Uh-huh.
It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what you need
to get the perfect stamp.
They have this monthly--
Well, it's a notary email newsletter
and, oh, my gosh--
- All right. - Ben, it's fun.
It's just fun.
Babe?
I have been thinking a lot about what you said.
I made a list of everything that I know you like.
Playing with our dog, staring contests,
sex with me, et cetera.
And then, I lost the list.
So I had to make a new list.
I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg.
And that's when my leg fell asleep--
- Okay, could you just skip ahead a little?
What do all the things on that list have in common?
They're one-on-one.
You like dealing with people, or dogs, one-on-one.
See, we don't make a list of the things that you love,
we make a list of the reasons why you love them.
And then we find something that fits that list.
You're the best husband ever.
Hi, Zack Harrison.
You wanted to meet with me about a press conference?
Oh, yes. Hello, Zack.
Yes, I am Leslie. It is an honor to have you here.
You are Indiana's last living link to this great man.
Look, I really don't think
you should make a big deal out of this.
I just happen to be a descendant of a guy.
You could be the descendant of George Washington.
- I wouldn't know. - Do you--
- No, that was just a hypothetical.
Could that be possible?
Because, you know, I have always thought
that we shared very similar jaw lines.
Wow. That is something to chew on.
Anyway, okay. It doesn't matter.
I need this to be very impressive.
So head on in there and be presidential...ly descendant.
Just go in there. Okay?
- Just walk, walk, walk. - I don't--
- Quiet down. Walk in.
Zack. Camp Wamapo, you got a boner.
We'll catch up. What a dick.
Hey! No.
No, no, no, no, no, no. What--Ron?
What are you doing here?
Setting up for our press conference,
which will take place immediately after yours.
Are you crazy? You can't do that.
- Do you want me to bite him? - No.
Ignore them.
We start in ten minutes.
Swanson, you didn't say anything about ambushing
Leslie's press conference.
I didn't think it was relevant.
Come on, man. This isn't cool.
This is a competition. We need to win it.
Please do your jobs.
Good evening.
Pawnee is a place of culture, history, and heritage,
and the National Park Service is proud to say
that we've discovered a new chapter in the life
of local hero and president, William Henry Harrison.
[Hail to the Chief playing] A heretofore unknown
hunting lodge was recently discovered
smack dab in the middle of the Newport land.
What great historical moments
took place within these hallowed halls?
Did Harrison plan his presidential campaign
while sitting around the hearth?
Which used to be there.
Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson
on his roll top desk?
Which, you know, I don't know, might have existed.
The point is, William Henry Harrison
would have wanted this land preserved as a national park.
Don't believe me? Let's ask him.
In the form of his direct descendant, Zachary.
Hi, I'm Zack. Harrison.
Amazing.
Zachary, what is it like being a descendant
of William Henry Harrison?
Uh, Harrison's a pretty common last name.
Okay, sit. Now.
Travel back in time with me to 1840
when William Henry Harrison, Old Tippecanoe,
runs for president.
And his campaign rolls this giant tin and paper ball
from town to town, while Americans everywhere sing along.
Hit it, gang.
[playing folk music]
♪ What has caused this great commotion motion motion ♪
♪ our country through ♪
♪ It is the ball a-Rolling on ♪
They're talking about this ball.
♪ For Tippecanoe and Tyler too ♪
♪ Tippecanoe and Tyler too... ♪
Van. Van's Martin van Buren.
That's who.
♪ Van is a used up man ♪
♪ and with them we'll beat little Van ♪
[electronic horn sounds]
Wow, that was cool.
Said some boring idiot from 200 years ago.
Who cares about some dumb grandpa and a tin ball?
That's the past. Gryzzl is the future.
The Newport land will become the Midwest headquarters
of America's most dynamic technology company.
Here to introduce our vision is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh
and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee as
The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.
[fast paced music] Fresh.
Innovative. Place-Making.
Disposable duvets. Growth-Hacking.
Super-Moon Gryzzl.
Now come with me as we binge watch the future.
That was sickening. All flash and no substance.
It was exactly as substantive as your presentation.
No, it was not.
We had way more quantity than you.
Please. Please.
For the love of all that is holy, both of you,
please sign this form.
Not that it matters.
I'm definitely gonna wake up tomorrow morning
with these same forms for you to sign because I've died
somehow and now I'm a ghost living in Purgatory
until I complete my unfinished business.
Okay, I'm not signing anything he's signing.
Did you just hear what I said?
No, of course, you didn't, because I'm a ghost.
You know what? I can't stand you.
I can't stand your stupid mustache and your stupid shirt,
and your stupid name, Ron.
Ron. It's not even a word.
Well, I have had just about enough
of your stubborn behavior.
Ever since the Morningstar incident,
you have been completely unreasonable.
You are the unreasonable one!
You've been unreasonable way before Morningstar.
You're the most unreasonable, stubborn person I have ever met.
And I am never gonna change my mind on that,
no matter what anybody says!
You're not that good at scrapbooking.
What?
Okay, would you just sign right here?
And I will need your thumbprints.
Man, those two really hate each other.
That feud's like Biggie-Tupac level.
Maybe even Morgan Freeman- Shailene Woodley level.
Nah, it's bad, but it's not that bad.
This is like when the triplets fight, except I can't just give
Leslie and Ron stuffed animals to make them calm down.
Actually, that might work. Have we tried that?
They've always butted heads.
I really--I don't think they hate each other.
I just think they're very different people and they just
drifted apart once they stopped working in the same office.
[knock at door] You okay?
Yeah, well I ordered 60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office,
so that calmed me down a little.
I know you're furious at him.
But please, come to a neutral site and sit with Ron
for 30 seconds so I can get this dumb document signed.
Ugh.
I'll let you rename the triplets
Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.
Okay, fine. But I get to sign first.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's just get this over with.
Oh, let me get that for you.
[lock beeps]
- Got 'em. - What?
What's going on? What's going on?
- Let us out immediately. - No.
You guys are being ridiculous.
This has gone too far, and you are not leaving this office
until you've made peace.
Both: Nooo!
No, no, no.
[grunts] Sorry, Ron, doors are locked.
We've taken your key cards and your phones,
and the automatic timer won't go off
until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
You're trapped in there.
We told security not to disturb you
under any circumstances.
And the phones and internet?
Oh, they've been disconnected.
And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table,
so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.
[laughs] That's not--what?
Is that true?
Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out.
Oh, my God, babe. Game of Thrones is on tonight.
It's the series finale.
Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow.
Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.
It makes sense if you've read the books.
Look, our baby monitor is on the table.
If you guys can talk this out
and settle your differences like grown-ups,
turn it on, and I will come to get you from my office.
Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
I am going to break out of here,
then I am going to snap you in half.
Hey.
This is not his fault, Swanson.
Be a man, and get your house in order.
You too, Knope.
Good luck, you guys.
I really hope you can work out your differences.
Terry, look at me.
Is this what you want to do?
Think very carefully, son.
There you go.
That's right, buddy.
Come on.
For once in your life, do something right.
Stop it, Terry.
Both of you. Come on.
Both: Damn it, Terry!
[triumphant music]
♪ ♪
Okay, think.
There must be a way out of here.
I don't think there is.
They installed these magnetic locks two years ago.
- There's no way around them. - [grunts]
Yes, there is.
I'll simply punch my fist through a window.
Ron, there's security wire in there.
You'll slice your arm open.
I would rather bleed out than sit here
and talk about my feelings for ten hours.
There is another way.
We'll just wait a few minutes,
turn on this monitor, and then we'll tell Ben
that we talked it out and made up.
I'll just tell them that I apologized for...
whatever, heroically caring too much,
and you admitted that you're a stubborn butthead,
and everything's fine now.
Why do I have to be stubborn?
Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable
and you were at fault?
Because we want them to believe us
and not laugh really hard
at a ridiculous science fiction scenario.
We are not saying I was the problem.
If we're gonna lie to them, I will not let you lie to them.
Fine!
I'll tell them that for the past three years,
you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar,
and I am an insane weirdo
who, despite being the only reason
we even had a friendship to begin with,
decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason.
That sounds good. Let's go with that.
[shouts]
What are you doing?
I destroyed the monitor!
What if we have an emergency
and have to get out of here?
I did not consider that possibility!
Everything's different.
I mean, the furniture, the pictures.
Craig changed everything.
Did he?
I tried not to notice anything
when I worked here.
Or talk to anyone.
Or learn anyone's name.
You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.
Look, we are gonna be here for ten hours.
We could either talk about our issues
and work through our problems,
or we can just sit here doing nothing.
I choose "sit here."
Come on, Ron, why don't we just--
- Sit here. - Ron.
Sit here.
I bet I can make you talk.
I'll take that bet
at any odds, for any amount of money,
over any length of time
stretching from now into infinity.
Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk. Talk. Talk.
[fan whirring]
Talk to me!
Drip. Drip. One word, and this is over.
I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else.
You guys, Ron loves plastic.
Last chance, Ron.
You want to talk? Huh?
[groans]
Aha!
Jackpot.
You know what this is, Ron?
This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007.
I asked everyone in the Parks Department
to choose one song.
You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson,
a fact I remember because my mind
is a steel trap of friendship nuggets.
But I am not going to play your choice.
I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
[Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire playing]
Ooh, that's right.
And I'm gonna sing along.
And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time.
And guess what. I don't know the words.
♪ Harry Truman was a guy ♪
♪ America, Red China ♪
♪ All the countries, other people ♪
♪ Everyone is fun ♪
♪ Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen ♪
♪ I have to buy a new toaster ♪
♪ This is awesome, you're so stupid ♪
♪ Jumping up and down ♪
Whoo!
Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron.
Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk?
No?
Okay, next verse.
♪ Freddy Krueger bought some pants ♪
♪ Oprah has a turtle farm ♪
♪ Peter Piper pee-pee poopy ♪
♪ Daddy ate a squirrel ♪
Stop this!
♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪
I will speak with you for three minutes.
Great.
[high-pitched beep]
So...
what would you like to talk about?
Oh, come on, Ron.
We were friends for ten years.
We were work proximity associates.
We were friends.
And now we're not.
And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship,
and I will do so using the most powerful tool
known to man:
a well-organized chart.
Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks.
You and I see each other less, admittedly,
due to my busy schedule
and your utter lack of interest
in maintaining adult friendships.
Work proximity associate-ships.
Three months later, April comes to work for me.
We throw her a party.
At her request, the party's theme
is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree."
I remember.
You made me wear a leather jacket.
That is the last time you and I see each other
for more than five minutes.
Three months later, you come and visit me
at my office on the third floor for the very first time.
One week later, I return from a trip,
and I find out you have quit the Parks Department
and you have started your own building company
without even bothering to tell me.
"Oh, well," I think to myself.
"You know, it was only a matter of time."
And then, two months after that,
Morningstar--
the final twist of the knife.
Oh, for God's sake.
I hear about Morningstar,
and I calmly saunter down to your office
and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it.
What the hell, Ron?
You're building your stupid building
on the block next to Pawnee Commons?
The park that I built from scratch out of a pit?
This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk.
And you're gonna tear all the houses down?
- Yes. - Ann lived there, Ron.
That's Ann's old house.
That's my best friend's old house.
That was the house where I put on my wedding dress
the night I got married.
That is the house where April and Andy
met for the first time.
That is the house where Ann gave me
my first ever smoky eye look.
She hasn't lived there for five years.
That's not the point.
This building is a monstrosity.
And what's it called? Morningstar?
[British accent] "Oh, dear.
"We live at the Morningstar.
That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."
The world needs apartment buildings.
The park you built is nice,
and people want to live next to it.
That's not the point.
You knew that I would be furious,
and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself.
Enjoy your new job, Judas.
[door slams]
You tear down Ann's house.
You spend the next two years cutting down trees
and fighting zoning laws that I helped pass,
basically spitting on everything we did together at Parks.
That's not the whole story.
What does that mean?
It means what it means.
That...
is not the whole story of why I left.
[timer beeping]
Sorry, time is up.
- Wait. - [puffs]
Why then? What was the reason?
Ron, come on.
Oh, my God, you made a key?
Ron, please, don't--
Come on, Ron.
Ron, just talk to me.
Ron, come on.
See you tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Progress.
Is it that I sent you a birthday card
through the US mail,
so the post office knew your address?
No. Go away.
Ooh, is it because I had Food and Stuff
temporarily shut down due to a health code violation?
That was you?
They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.
The name of the store is "Food and Stuff."
They sell food, and they sell stuff.
If you don't like it, go to that new place,
Complete Food.
It's called Whole Foods.
- And is that really the reason? - No.
How many more questions are you going to ask me?
As many as I need to to solve this mystery
and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation
about our friendship.
Ron, what are you doing?
I know I saw it.
Aha!
Detonator.
The partially defused claymore mine
you gave me ten years ago.
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door
so I can get out of here.
- Ron, just wait a second. - No.
I'm being held as a prisoner against my will,
and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States,
to blow a hole in that fucking door
and walk out as a free man.
It's in the Constitution.
There's no cursing in the Constitution.
Look, before you do that--
- Too late. Here we go.
Fire in the hole!
[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow playing]
Whoo!
♪ ♪
I gave you that as a gift
on your fifth anniversary as Parks director.
You told me
this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine.
Well, it was.
I bought the empty shell off of eBay,
and then I filled it with, you know,
balloons and confetti and such.
You mean to tell me I have had a toy
on my desk for ten years?
You mean to tell me you've thought
you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?
[Leslie on recording] Congratulations, Ron.
You've been doing an explosive job!
[laughs]
Come on, Ron.
It's funny stuff.
Who gets angry at balloons?
Good talk.
What's all this?
I'm just reading back through some of our old projects,
trying to figure out what happened that made you quit.
Good God, woman.
This is a code.
I am going to break it.
And this is my best shot.
Is that nuclear waste?
No, this is my job application from when you hired me.
How did you get that?
Freedom of Information Act request.
But here's the thing. I've never read it.
This application contains
your very first impressions of me.
It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.
The beginning of the whole shebang.
This is all you wrote?
Three lousy lines?
Why would anyone need more than three lines?
I'm describing a person, not something complicated
like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique.
I forgot what I wrote.
Can I hear it?
Why don't you read it yourself?
"Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist
"whose political leanings
are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky."
So far, so accurate.
"If we were to work together,
"she would undoubtedly drive me insane,
and it is possible that we would murder each other."
You forgot the last sentence.
No, I didn't.
I remember that part.
It says, "Hire her."
[metallic clang]
Did you hear that?
Oh, it's-- it's a person.
It's another person!
Hello! Hello!
- Janitor! - Hey!
- Hey, we're trapped in here! - Hey!
♪ The best thing about being a woman ♪
♪ Is the prerogative ♪
Please, Mr. Janitor.
If you just look over here for two seconds,
I'll do anything.
Hey!
I'll watch a foreign film.
I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.
Oh, he's gone, Ron. He's gone.
Why did you give me the job?
And that's what I don't get.
We should've never worked together.
Why did you hire me?
Because of your interview.
Okay, that doesn't make any sense.
I mean, I remember that interview.
You were wearing that exact outfit.
And you said to me, "Ms. Knope, I have one question for you.
What do you believe the role of government is in America?"
You blathered on for ten minutes
about social safety nets and honest governance
and improving lives.
Basic nonsense.
Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth
"is basic nonsense.
Good day."
And that was it.
No, that was not it.
After I said you were full of it,
you got very angry and scrunched up your face
and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree."
[chuckles]
Did you let me have it.
That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say.
You were pounding your fist and shaking.
You called me a heartless thug.
I most certainly did not.
You were tough and honest,
and you stood up for what you believed in,
even though it might've killed your chance to get the job.
I would rather work with a person like that
than with a milquetoast yes-man.
Should be one more thing in that file.
Aw, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you
after the interview.
You kept it.
"Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry
"for raising my voice in the interview,
and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug."
Oh, well, okay. There you go.
"If it matters, I promise I would never
raise my voice at you if we worked together."
Liar.
Yeah, I was being really optimistic.
"Please enjoy these homemade brownies
"as a gesture of goodwill.
Leslie Knope."
That was the real reason I hired you.
Those brownies were damn good.
Ron, look how far we've come.
We're doing so great.
Let's just bring it home, okay?
Let's just talk about our issues.
- Leslie, don't push it. - Okay, fine.
If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me.
Ready? [snaps]
Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French,
and you had a nervous breakdown.
Okay, playtime is over.
I'm getting out of here once and for all.
No, Ron! God, no!
That alarm is just for sprinklers.
April kept pulling it,
so the fire department disconnected it.
I see.
Ron? I found some towels.
You okay?
[laughs] Wow.
Apparently, Craig is studying yoga.
These are the only dry clothes I could find.
Well, you look great.
I feel extremely angry.
Oh, come on.
Stop whining, you big baby.
I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off.
I've seen you without a mustache.
I've seen it all.
There's nowhere to run, Ron.
You have tried every possible means of escape.
There's nothing to do but talk.
What happened
to these "workplace proximity associates"?
Hmm?
Spill it.
You left.
Then a month later, you took Terry with you.
Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum,
and he's the best there is.
Amen.
Then you took April.
I didn't want her to go, as she had become
one of my closest workplace acquaintances.
But your offer was too good to pass up,
so I didn't try to stop her.
Then Tom left to run his business.
Donna left to run hers.
One day, I looked up.
Just didn't recognize anyone.
So I made a decision.
An unthinkable decision.
Hey.
Well, my, my, my.
Do my eyes deceive me?
Is that Ron Swanson?
Hello, Leslie.
Hello, April. Larry.
It's Terry now.
Okay.
- As luck would have it-- - One second. Oh.
Did you talk to Randy about the vote?
Tell the Northeast that we need to put pressure on them,
or else we're gonna be waiting forever,
and I'm tired of waiting on them, okay?
Sorry. This is a crazy day.
So what's up with you, you big lug?
Nothing important.
Just thought you might want to have lunch.
- Tomorrow? - I would love to.
It's been too long. JJ's Diner, 12:30?
- Excellent. See you then. - Okay.
So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow,
and they need us in Washington to prep.
Oh, my God, really?
Okay, get us the first flight out of here
and grab the Missouri files.
Meet me at my car.
Hey, babe. I got to go to Washington.
Can you pick up the kids?
Oh. Oh, no.
Ron, I stood you up for lunch.
You did, yes.
I waited for a while, but it was pretty easy
to figure out what had happened.
Your life seemed pretty hectic.
Is that the rest of the story?
That I stood you up?
You were going to ask me something.
That's why you wanted to have lunch.
Ron, you were going--
- I was gonna ask you for a job.
In the federal government.
Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
You missed your friends,
and you wanted to come up to the third floor
and work with us again.
[sighs]
I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you.
God, why didn't I see that?
Ron, I am so sorry.
I should've been a better friend to you.
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.
It was a punctuation mark on a sentence
that had already been written.
My time in government work was over.
Sure, I loved shutting things down
and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
Your metaphors are so beautiful.
But it was time for me to leave,
and I didn't feel like explaining why
to you or anyone.
Everything that happened after--
the fight we had,
not giving you a heads-up when my company took on
the Morningstar development
and bulldozed the nurse's old house--
I do regret that.
I had a good run here.
But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left,
when I looked around this office,
nothing was the same.
Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
[Willie Nelson's Buddy]
[country music]
♪ Laugh with me, buddy ♪
♪ Jest with me, buddy ♪
♪ Don't let her get the best of me, buddy ♪
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If I ever needed you, buddy ♪
♪ You know now I really do, buddy ♪
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
[muffled singing]
♪ It's got a new queen ♪
♪ Everybody really mean ♪
- ♪ We didn't start the fire ♪ - [playing saxophone]
♪ It was always burning since the world's been turning ♪
Well, this is different from what I expected to find.
♪ Fire ♪
Oh. Morning, guys.
Good morning, Leslie.
What did you do to the office?
Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes.
You're gonna stretch out the elastic.
We're sorry.
[saxophone blats]
[laughs]
♪ Fire and money and people ♪
[gentle knocks] Hey.
I moved our meetings to tomorrow
because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously
at 2:00 in the afternoon.
Yeah. Good call.
Also, you have a visitor.
No, whoever it is, I have zero interest in--
- Hello.
Ron!
Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.
We just spent 12 hours together, woman.
Mm, don't care.
I have three years' worth of hugs
to force upon you against your will.
I have a small object for you.
Call it an official peace offering, I suppose.
Wow. This is very sweet.
But you do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago.
The frame is the gift.
When my company took on the Morningstar development,
and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house,
I salvaged her front door.
Then I stripped off
all the terrible paint and lacquer--
people really don't know how to finish wood properly--
and I made it into this frame for you
in the event that you and I ever...
Ron.
You big, fat, giant sap.
That seems unnecessary.
I love it.
But I feel bad.
I don't have anything for you.
I--For the first time in my life,
I am present-less.
How 'bout you buy me a meal?
You hungry?
I'm starving.
April, Ron and I are going to JJ's
to eat too much breakfast food.
Why does anybody in the world
ever eat anything but breakfast food?
People are idiots, Ron.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com