Sorry y'all, but I do have a very stellar hand.
I will call. That's one, two, three...
You cannot bet... those are blue corn chips, they're $5 each.
It's a $20 buy-in. How broke are you?
- I don't have it. - If you're really that
hard up you could always sell that beautiful head of hair
that you have. I will give you $40
- for that hair right now. - $40?
- Let me think about that. - As your accountant,
I highly recommend that you accept that offer.
Why don't you just get off your ducket,
come down to the luncheonette and record another
corny seasonal song, like, maybe something for, ooh,
daylight savings time. Spring forward, fall back,
- it writes itself. - Actually I have good songs,
I've written them, but I just don't have any contacts left
in the music industry.
- Oh. - Music industry's dead.
In the digital age it's all about getting in the studio
with an innovative producer.
Did you listen to a podcast on the way here?
That's what my friend Tammy, from
toddler time sing-a-lon says.
Oh!
Wait, you know toddler time Tammy?
Do you also know the muffin man?
- Oh, God. - Tammy idalis
happens to be married to a very influential guy, so.
Is it Peter Cottontail?
Or John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt?
His name is my name too.
Wait, wait, wait, did you say idalis?
As in Johnny idalis, the genius, biggest music producer
- in the world idalis? - Yeah.
You're bros with johhny idalis?
I mean, I know him.
I'm actually going to dinner with him this weekend.
- Stop it. - I mean, I never met him,
I'm invited to his son's bar mitzvah.
I... I have to be your plus one.
No. It's not a night club,
it's a religious ceremony. Plus, Laurie is my plus one.
God wants me to go to that party.
This is perfect, there's no other explanation.
I can show Johnny idalis my song.
God wants me to ditch my pregnant wife
so you can hobnob with a music mogul?
Exactly. Okay, I am feeling flush,
we're going to a bar mitzvah,
I am raising the stakes, we're going two pretzels.
You know, we're at Marcus minus 30.
So you know the drill.
Gotta get your clothes on, get out the back door,
and don't leave a trace.
Yeah.
You know...
All this sneaking in and out of the house, it...
Fiona, it's... time for you to tell Marcus
about our relationship.
Oh, I know, but he's just such a uniquely sensitive
child, and I'm not really sure he's over the death of
Maya angelou, and I mean, to tell him I'm shagging
- his teacher, I mean... - You're going to have
to tell him eventually. I mean, unless
you're not planning on there being an eventually.
No, of course I am. And I will, I promise.
I will tell him, I will.
Great, great.
Because you know, you don't want him finding out on his own.
After all, you two are unusually connected.
Oh, I don't know that we're unusually connect...
He's early, I sense it. Run!
Back?
[Keys jangling]
- He's coming, get in. - Where, in there?
- Get in. - Hey, mom.
- Get your legs in. - Knitting class
was cut short today because Gail wasn't really feeling too well.
Oh, you're home. Lovely.
Let's go that way, shall we? There we are.
You can't bet for you every hand.
These represent money, and it's on the line.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa...
- Fiona hasn't told him yet? - Nope.
- Deal me in? - You know, Andy, it looks like
his pair might beat your pair.
Here we go.
[brett Dennen's comeback kid (That's my dog)]
♪ Well, maybe it's the common curse ♪
♪ Maybe things get bad before they get worse ♪
♪ I don't want to become someone ♪
♪ Who can't live up to what I already done, don't ♪
♪ Here comes a comeback ♪
♪ The kid is back, is back on track ♪
♪ And there goes my hero ♪
♪ He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and ♪
[Cheers and applause]
[Bell rings]
Hey, pasty, you free tomorrow night?
Absolutely. I try to keep my Saturdays
ftee so I can get a jump on the Sunday crossword as soon
as it becomes available online.
- dude, you're a wild man. - Well you should see me
do the puzzles in pen, it's crazy.
Oh, wait.
My mom's got plans tomorrow night so I'm home
- with a babysitter. - Babysitters are for babies.
Just tell your mom you're staying home alone,
- and then invite me over. - Wait, you mean lie?
- To my mother? - Well, if she's gonna treat you
like a baby then what choice do you have?
You're 12 years old.
Text me when you grow a pair, okay?
Wait, shea.
What kind of pear are we talking about?
Like, are we going bartlett, or bosc?
My mom and I have been talking about growing some fruit trees.
Which brings us to our one and only conclusion
I'm ready to stay home alone.
Oh, but darling, I mean the last time...
Yeah, I know, I know, I stabbed myself trying
to cut an orange. I'm way ahead of you.
- Oh. - This graph indicates that
as my voice has lowered, so has my capacity for self-injury.
- I know, but... - Mom, you've been going out
a lot lately. Night shopping, night hiking,
- night biking. - Yeah, those are all the things
I've told you I've been doing.
Just give me one chance. Tomorrow night.
I promise I'll text you every 90 minutes.
- 10. - 45.
30. That's my final offer.
Yes. Best mom ever.
Oh, darling.
So what night thing are you doing tomorrow anyway?
Um, well, I...
Do you know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this?
I've got a new commitment in my life.
It might upset you a bit, but we can talk about it
and we can feel about it. If it does.
The thing is, I've been... I've been seeing mister...
Mister... mist... mist... mist... Mysteries.
Mystery films. I've been seeing mystery films
at the independent cinema. 'Cause I love mystery films,
all those twists and turns.
Ooh, actually my leg's going to sleep, darling,
you're bloody heavy. Go on, go get your homework
and we'll do it down here.
Thank you.
[Sighs]
Classic mysteries at the independent cinema.
Coward.
[Gold rush by Clinton sparks]
Just have a good time. Good to see you.
♪ You chasin' paper ♪ ♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ You almost famous ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪
I don't know, will. I mean, hustling a guy
on the day of his son's bar mitzvah.
What if we anger him? So what?
- What's he gonna do? - What's he gonna do?
He knows jailed rappers.
You call me on this, the day of my son's bar mitzvah
to do business?
What shame on you, kanye.
No, I'll listen to it, go ahead and play it.
- Hey. - Andy.
Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.
Joshie, this is Andy, my friend from toddler time.
Hey. Mazel tov.
- Nice to meet you. - All right.
And who's this?
This guy is... he is... um... my...
How do you describe him? He's very close... personal...
Andy, it's okay, I get it.
What do you... what do you get?
We've always assumed but now it's clear.
Not to me.
There's no "Laurie" is there?
- Laurie is... - You have...
Nailed it, Tammy, you little sleuth.
[Laughter]
I can't believe you're still doing the Laurie story.
Honestly he's crazy.
Hi, I'm will.
I'm Andy's... partner.
Life partner, husband, lover.
But whatever, we hate labels. Labels are for jars, not people,
am I right?
We're together.
And that's what's important to us, right?
Wait, you two are... a couple?
Couple of... couple of guys. Yup.
Is that all right?
- No, it's not all right. - See?
It's fabulous.
I thought this was going to be a bunch of soccer moms
and tech stiffs.
But now maybe it'll have a little
[grunts] Flair, you know?
- Johnny idalis. - Hi, will Freeman,
and have I got flair. I have got flair to spare,
my friend. Shipwrecked on an island?
Have no fear, I'm your man, because,
[imitates signal flare] Flair.
We'll see you on the dance floor, I hope?
- All right. - I love your shoes.
- Bye. - [Indistinct]
Wow, you look incredible.
Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
Wow.
Did you do all that for me?
Yeah.
Look, Fiona, I know how hard it was for you to tell Marcus
about us, so...
I figured the least I could do was spend the day cooking
a six-course vegan meal in return.
Uh... yeah... about that.
You did talk to him, didn't you?
Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, we talked.
- We did. - Was he terribly upset?
Not terribly.
Well the important thing is you did it.
- I... - And I am so incredibly proud
- of you for that. - Well-
- let's not go mad... - Why not?
We are out in the open, I think that is cause for celebration.
- [Timer dings] - Oh, hold that thought.
Chia gnocchi with nutritional yeast sauce.
Great.
Wow.
You look so radiant and luminous.
I don't do compliments.
Well, toot toot, all aboard the fun train.
I've set up several enjoyment stations.
And our first stop is Tropical Snack Island.
Oh, oh, oh, and then we have crossword corner.
- You got a suit? - Uh, yeah.
Put it on. We're going out.
Tonight I'm going to introduce you
to one of my favorite things ever,
party crashing.
It's dangerous, it's exciting, and it's dinner.
You don't do compliments, I don't do dangerous.
Well, maybe it's time to start.
You want to be the winklemans or the nakishers?
[Let's by tiesto]
♪ One night to save the day ♪
♪ We'll show them all ♪
- That's Dr. nakisher to you. - Let's go.
♪ Say Geronimo say Geronimo ♪
- ♪ Say Geronimo ♪ - so, Andy, we're dying to know,
how did you score a tall drink of water like will?
Mr. idalis? Such a beautiful party.
Listen, my husband and I are particularly delighted
to be here because, um... Well here's the thing, I...
Do you guys mind if I took you guys aside for a minute?
I'd love to get into your ears.
Oh, are you kidding? We would love to have you
in our ears. We are all about that.
[Laughs]
- What? - Hey!
We're not going to do any sex gay stuff with my ears.
All right, I'm married eleven years.
Will you stop being such a homophobe, okay?
He's not going to do anything gay to our ears.
And even if he does, so be it.
Do you see this USB stick full of songs?
If I could get him on board, this could change
my life forever. Don't screw this up for me,
okay? [Sighs]
Okay, here's the deal, you guys notice anything...
Familiar about this party?
The all-male wait staff in Navy uniforms,
the only entree is rainbow trout, the mani-pedi station?
My little joshie chose it all.
He's gay. I mean, he doesn't think I know.
The thing is, I'm fine with it. I'm more than fine,
I'm thrilled. But you know how it is
with fathers and sons, he can't talk to me.
So I was wondering if you guys would talk to him.
See if you can get through to him.
Let him know that it's okay with me that he's...
One of... you. Tell me if I'm crossing
- some kind of a gay line here. - The only line you're crossing
is the one in front of our hearts.
We would be so thrilled to speak with your joshie.
Thank you. I really owe you guys one
for this. Such a mitzvah.
- It's our pleasure. - Came out of the closet
20 minutes ago, now I'm a gay role model.
We can't keep this up. I really can't keep doing this.
You gotta stop. Okay, listen, I've got him
on the line, and I'm gonna reel this big fish in,
so shut up and slow dance with me.
What?
[(I just) Died in your arms by cutting crew]
You know what? A large part of me
wants to punch you in the face right now.
And a little bit of me just died in your arms tonight.
♪ I just died in your arms tonight ♪
[Sighs]
[Mmm ye by Austin mahone]
♪ I tell these women that it's all about the team ♪
- ♪ Jordan and pippen, man ♪ - [Phone vibrating]
♪ So do you want to join the team ♪
Pro move? Eat dessert first.
So much better than hotel food.
- Am I boring you? - What?
Oh, no, I just didn't see these texts from my mom
until now.
- "Momma bear to baby bear?" - Can I have that back, please?
You're not going to bail on me, are you?
I don't know. I'm just racking up
the crimes against my mom here. Sneaking out, eating gluten,
- impersonating a nakisher... - You know, in the Jewish faith,
you'd almost be a man by now.
♪ All that I could say was mmm, mmm, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Mmm, mmm, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ All that I could say was ♪
- Joshie. - Yeah?
It's will, and you remember my husband, Andy?
- Hi. - And we just wanted to say,
mazel mazel. And we're really into this whole
Navy theme you've got going on here.
- Thanks. - We're also really
into each other. Yeah, we're just, uh,
a couple of dudes being loud and proud and queer and here,
and having no fear, and slapping each other on the rears.
Okay, then. Um, I should go
do some jelly beans for my Nana.
Yo.
What the hell was that?
When I get nervous, I rhyme. It happens all the time.
You're an embarrasment.
Shvitzing.
Oh, God, he's not at will's, he's not upstairs.
He's not lying dead on the kitchen floor,
I mean, where is he?
M sure he's fine, he's probably out
with a friend somewhere and just lost track of time.
No, you don't understand, Marcus doesn't do that.
He's... he doesn't go to the bathroom
without checking in with me, much less leave the house.
What if he's trapped in a wall?
Marcus!
Oh, Marcus?
Are you trapped in the wall?
- He's not in the wall. - Darling, can you whistle?
Can you whistle for mommy?
Oh, my God. Where's my son?
- He's at the Chapman hotel. - How do you know that?
I activated the "find my kids" app on your phone.
See that little red dot? That's your guy.
Oh, my little blinking boy.
What are you doing there?
[More than frien by inna]
♪ This might just be the night of you and I ♪
♪ If there's no distance in our hearts tonight ♪
♪ And if you like what we doin' why don't we give in ♪
♪ For the night ♪
♪ Whoa, tonight ♪
♪ Tonight we could be more than friends ♪
♪ Whoa, tonight yeah ♪
♪ Tonight we should be more than friends ♪
♪ From the first time that I saw that look in your eyes ♪
♪ I've been thinking about you for all of this time ♪
♪ Whoa, tonight ♪
♪ Tonight we could be more than friends ♪
[Hava nagila plays]
All: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Whoo. - They're coming,
they're coming.
- What's that poking me? - My USB stick.
Oh, God. Ooh!
Thanks, you guys, for sharing your story tonight.
I don't know if any of it got through to him, but...
You know, listen, whatever happens, at least
he has a supportive father, that's more than I ever had.
Yeah, my dad never thought I'd amount to anything.
Never thought I'd get my driver's license,
and now I've got a driver.
[Laughs] What business are you in?
- Oh, I'm in the music business. - Is that right?
I'm a songwriter. That's crazy, I actually
- as a matter of fact have... - Wait, will,
is that you?
What are you doing here?
We're having the time of our lives,
- we're party crashers. - Dude, not cool.
Marcus, there you are.
Fiona!
Will, why are you stroking Andy?
Well, now, wait, I won't have anyone made to feel less than
because they're gay and in love.
Gay? If you're gay,
then who's the retinue of half-naked trollops
who parade in and out of your house everyday?
Hairdressers.
Is this true?
- Have you been lying to us? - Wait, mom,
what are you doing here with Mr. Chris?
And why are you wearing that "I don't respect myself" dress?
- You didn't tell him. - Wait, wait, wait.
Was anyone here actually invited to our son's bar mitzvah?
I'm sorry.
And Laurie's real.
Most important rule of party crashing?
Knowing when to peace out.
And that time is now.
But, hey...
I gotta say you impressed me tonight.
Didn't think you had it in you.
[Laughs] Honestly, neither did I.
Chris, I'm so sorry I lied.
I... you have to understand, it's just been Marcus and me.
For so long, it's just been the two of us,
and I didn't know how to tell him.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna let you talk to your son.
You know, Fiona, it's not just the two of you anymore.
Hey, Mr. idalis, wait, please!
I... I've written a hit song, I'm a big deal, like you.
Okay, not... not like you. All right?
But I was successful. And I just, how do I put this?
I've been, like, in the desert for 40 years and
I just need my Moses to lead me to the promised land.
You know, first, you pretend to be gay,
now you belittle my religion.
You disgust me.
Disgust isn't what I was going for, exactly.
Maybe we can build from that. Dad, I have to say something.
Tonight, watching those two guys do whatever... they were doing,
I figured something out.
There's nothing more pathetic
than pretending to be someone you're not.
So... here it goes.
I'm gay.
I've never been so proud of you.
I love this boy!
No, I love this man.
[Laughter]
Looks like love was the big winner tonight.
No, you're touching my family. Don't touch my family.
In this thumbdrive is a hit song.
- Mm. - I just need you to listen...
- Just get the hell out of here. - I'll call
- your office tomorrow. - No, don't bother.
Tammy.
I think we need to remember the toddler time forgiveness song.
♪ It's okay, it's all right, everyone makes mistakes ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
- Leave. - Okay.
Wha... Marcus, wait. Hold on.
I'm not talking to you, teacher lover.
Wait, we'll get to that, but we need to talk
about some consequences for your behavior tonight.
Of all the guys in the whole world,
why did you have to pick my teacher?
Do you have any idea how deeply disgusting this is for me?
- Do you even care? - Course I care.
I... I don't know why I fell for your teacher.
I wish it was someone else, but it's not.
And can't we just move forward from this point?
Can we just find a way of finding some acceptance?
No.
I'm not accepting this.
It's too gross.
I'm gonna go upstairs and brush my teeth,
and do you wanna know why?
Because I had sugar tonight. Bleached, white, sugar!
I... I didn't have fun tonight at all, it was terrible.
Yeah, let's never do that again.
So what happens now? I just call you, or...
Yeah, you know, we call each other, so.
Yeah, good-bye.
Okay, I'll just... Yeah.
You don't gotta be weird about it.
[Knocking at door]
♪♪
Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com