3x06 - Old Wounds
Now, kids, in honor of Veterans day,
we've got a very special guest speaker.
A real, live war hero: Woody Johnson.
Hi, kids, she's right. I am a war hero.
My dad's a fireman.
- Your dad is a pussy. - Aw.
While your fathers were all smoking doobies
and washing out their vaginas,
I was in the shit fighting for your freedom...
when I wasn't giving Iraqi whores my veiny Hussein-y.
Can you skip to the part where you got your medal?
I'm getting to that, bitch.
I was in an elite special ops unit called the Red Skulls.
One day when we were on patrol,
a fellow soldier, Private Jackubowski, got wounded.
I saved his life.
I dragged that half-dead bastard over three miles
of war-torn desert. It was a truly brave act.
How did the soldier get hurt?
What are you, the [bleep] hague? It was a long time ago.
Like I can remember all the details.
Now we are blood brothers for life.
We'll always have each others' backs.
Red Skulls! Respect and protect!
Oh, there you go.
♪ Brickleberry ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Steve, you're a funny mother [bleep].
You'd have to be high to laugh at that.
I'm always high, huh? That's messed up.
It's 4:20!
All right, rangers.
I told you he was funny.
Steve, let me help you up.
Bad news, rangers.
You won't be receiving christmas bonuses this year.
- Oh, man. - What?
I never get one anyway.
Well, that's because you're a lesbian, Connie! Jeez!
What about the rest of us? We were counting on that money.
Well, I had to use the money to renovate the park.
- By park, he means our cabin. - This is ridiculous!
You and Malloy already live in a mansion
- while we're stuck in run-down shacks. - Silence, peasant.
I'm the boss and I have to make hard decisions,
like deciding if I wanted cherry or mahogany floors
in the new wing of my cabin. Suck it!
You see, Woody and I are upper class.
We can't survive without nice things,
like this jacket made of real bear fur.
Look, I don't have a heart of stone.
I'm even having a housewarming party
to celebrate our renovations, and I want you all there.
What a dick.
Here's to our cabin's new addition:
- the christmas bonus room. - To the one percent.
This party is a bunch of bullshit.
Yeah, did Woody really have to spring for indoor snow?
Snow is for poor people. That's cocaine.
Hello, Frosty the blow man.
Ooh! Eight ball fight!
All right!
Woody, your war buddies are here.
Hey! It's Hoppy, Gimpy, and Lefty.
Isn't it funny how you guys got injuries
that matched your nicknames?
You know, it's odd how you were the only Red Skull
who made it out without a single injury.
Well, I guess heroes aren't just braver
than normal people, they're also luckier.
Don't forget, I saved Jackubowski.
To Jackubowski.
Red Skulls! Respect and protect!
Ooh. Do you jerk off with that thing?
I'll bet it's like getting a hand job from a velociraptor.
Those pigs. They don't have class.
They don't even know what class is.
- Ooh, trash vodka. - Ahem.
Do you work here?
Unfortunately, I didn't finish college, so yes.
I need to see head ranger Woody Johnson at once.
Why?
Because I'm the new secretary of the interior.
I'm your boss' boss.
Oh, I'd hate to get him into trouble.
I haven't made a coke angel
since I was a kid.
Man, Jorge said he was sending over some ugly whores,
and he wasn't joking.
At least you look like you can take a punch.
Well, let's get this over with before the coke dick sets in
and makes it awkward for both of us.
Hey, Woody, where should I put these ugly whores?
Wait, if you're not one of Jorge's homely hookers,
who the hell are you?
She's your boss,
the new secretary of the interior. Suck it.
Care to explain what's going on here, Mr. Johnson?
Uh, this is all a party in your honor.
Surprise! Key bump?
Let's talk about something important.
Put that coffee down.
Do you think I'm [bleep] with you? I am not [bleep] with you.
You call yourself a ranger, you son of a bitch?
I peed.
You are the sorriest excuse for rangers I've ever seen,
and I've been in this business for 15 years.
- What's your name? - [bleep] you.
- That's my name. - Is that Korean?
Brickleberry is the worst park in the country.
[bleep] Auschwitz would get a better yelp review.
I'm here to turn this dump around,
and I'm not leaving until I do.
There are going to be changes.
- Number one: Drug tests. - It's been a pleasure working here.
I'm gonna miss all of y'all. Bye-bye.
That brings us to Woody Johnson.
You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Dick factory? Is that where they make dicks,
or is it a factory made out of dicks?
Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
No! Please give me another chance.
I know this park sucks,
but I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
All right, Johnson, but it better be good
- or there'll be hell to pay. - Bye, [bleep] you.
You can't quit. This park is your home.
All you have to do is go without weed for a couple of days.
I've never gone without weed for two hours,
much less two days.
Well, I'm not losing my best friend.
You can stop, and I'll help you.
I do like working here. You really think you could help me quit?
How bad can it be?
It's not like you're gonna have withdrawals.
See the baby? See the baby!
Come on, Steve, just give me one puff.
I'll suck your [bleep].
You can suck my [bleep] all you want,
but you're not getting any weed.
I need a plan to fix the park.
Plan to fix the park. That's it!
Where the hell are them loompa oompas?
Goddamn it! Forgot to feed them.
What are you screaming about?
I can't come up with a plan to fix this park.
Oh, that secretary is going to fire me tomorrow.
Uh, you're in the ranger union. She can't fire you.
- She can't? - No.
If you want her respect, be a man.
March in there tomorrow and show her who's boss.
Yeah. Good idea, Malloy.
Hey, where did Frosty the blow man go?
Oh, uh, he had to go back to the North pole
and help Santa, little buddy.
You snorted him, didn't you?
Yeah, snorted him. Hat and all.
Who re-painted the trim on the ranger station?
Good morning, everyone.
Denzel, what are you doing at work before lunch?
Denzel is clean and sober for the first time ever.
I'm proud of him.
I've accomplished so much this morning.
Now I'm going to write a letter to Adult Swim.
It abruptly stopped being funny last night.
It just turned into nonsense.
All right, Johnson, let's hear this plan.
Yes, ma'am.
All right, this is you.
I'm a hateful bitch
with a dried-up snatch. What's that in the sky?
Oh no, it's Woody's asshole!
It's covering me in shit, but I love it,
Because I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut.
It's in my mouth! Yum, yum, yummy!
And there's my plan. What do you think?
- How dare you, Johnson? I'm gonna... - Gonna what?
You can't fire me. I'm in the goddamn ranger union.
There's no such thing as a ranger union.
- Huh? - Ooh, sorry.
- I forgot I made that up. - What?
You deserve to be terminated, Johnson.
But I've got a better idea: A demotion.
Sorry, a lowly ranger can't stay in this cabin, but I can.
You two will have to find housing elsewhere.
Elsewhere? Elsewhere where?
- Not a chance. - Not with me.
No way in hell.
Then where are we supposed to stay?
Now if you gotta shit, go on the newspaper.
- The sink's stopped up. - Perfect.
Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad
as a comfort inn.
Goddamn you, Jim. I told you to pay the light bill.
I hope they do shut it off
so I won't be able to see your damn ugly face!
Oh! Oh, god. Ow!
You're the one who told me to stand up to the secretary.
I'm a bear. You took advice from a bear.
Good point. I won't do that again.
Now I've got some advice for you.
- Lay it on me. - From now on,
you are going to do everything she says,
and beg her for your old job back.
I hate you, you son of a bitch.
I can't spend another night in this stump dump.
We've gotta get our place back.
We will, Malloy. I promise.
Let's just try to make the best of it.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, lord. - Ooh! Oh, yeah, give it to me.
- Oh, yeah, give it to me, Jim. - Oh! Oh! Oh, lord.
Please. Please, give me my job back.
I saw an amputated stump go somewhere it shouldn't of last night.
Get up, Johnson, you slob.
If you want your old job back, you have to earn it.
Start by doing everything on this list.
I'll do it. Ranger Johnson is on it.
♪ I'm sappy the happy tree ♪
♪ Welcome to Brickleberry ♪
Hey, lookie here. Free maple syrup.
No, no, no...
Make it shine, Inez.
What's going on there, Johnson?
- What's all this? - I'm selling all my weed stuff.
From now on, I'm on the straight and narrow.
Thanks, mister.
Okay, Mr. Serious. Check this out.
Oh, no! My ass!
My burning ass!
Now I've got broken glass in my burning ass!
Why aren't you laughing?
Oh, my god, Ethel. You've gotta try some of these brownies.
- They're yumsters. - Mmm, don't mind if I do.
Mmm, these are great. Did you bake them?
No, I got them from Denzel's yard sale.
Mmm. Oh, okay.
Wait. What?
I forgot how to shit.
Okay, miss secretary, ma'am. I did everything on your list.
I know, Johnson. Woody, it gives me great pleasure
to tell you the new head ranger is Denzel Jackson.
- What? - No!
That's awesome. Thank you, secretary.
What the hell? I did everything you asked!
Why are you ruining my life?
Because a loser like you doesn't deserve a life.
You actually thought I was going to give you your job back?
Ha! You'll never be head ranger again on my watch.
Why, you dirty piece of sh...
Don't lose your temper, Woody. We can handle this like adults.
- We are going to kill her. - Now that's good advice.
Hey, can you kill the secretary for us?
Already done.
That's a secretary, not the secretary.
Oh, don't worry. I've got like 15 more in the truck.
There's going to be a lot of unbrewed coffee
and empty spread sheets next week.
Okay. We can ride this out. We just need to stay calm.
You're right. We'll be fine by tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Connie. The drug test is tomorrow.
- We have to find some clean urine. - I've got a fake penis.
- What good will that do us? - I'm just saying.
Head ranger Denzel Jackson. I like the sound of that.
Looking good, buddy.
I think that this is cause for a little celebration, huh?
Steve, what the hell, man?
Head rangers give drug tests, not take them.
So you can get high again.
I don't want to get high, and it's messed up
that you of all people would try to get me to.
It's just you've been a little uptight.
You haven't seemed like yourself since you quit.
This is myself.
The pothead who laughed at all your dumb bullshit was not me.
I'm never smoking again.
Meow.
Ethel, I've got the clean pee... Whoa!
No! Oh, we're finished!
We can just come up with another plan.
We're high!
It took 17 hours to come up with this plan.
I've got it. We need to go see Jorge.
He can fix anything. But we gotta hurry.
Slow down, Connie!
No! You're gonna kill us!
Well, like my daddy always said,
you want to kill somebody right, you gotta kill them yourself.
Who the hell put rice in my coffee?
- Yes! - Ricin, you idiot. Not "rice in."
Hurry up, Malloy. Cut the brakes.
Got it.
All right, lady, we'll make this quick and painless.
Don't. I like pain.
- Ow! Ow! - You mother...
Hey, you two, shit's about to get weird.
Get the cool whip.
Well, we're in for another rough night, Malloy.
She won. She beat us.
We'll just start a new life somewhere else.
We're not going out like this, Woody. You are a war hero.
Before we leave, we should shit in her mailbox.
Malloy, you are on an advice roll.
What do you want?
Look, it was wrong to try and get you to smoke.
I'm sorry. I brought you a peace offering.
Your favorite thing in the world.
- A macrib? - They're out of season,
so don't ask me what I had to do to get it.
Here's a hint: It involved grimace and a hand job.
Steve, I only liked those because I was high.
You don't want it?
Damn it, Steve. Look what you did.
Get the hell out of here and leave me alone.
All I want... I just...
Well, I guess it's not just the macrib
I only like when I'm high.
- Funyuns? - No.
- Seth Rogen? - No!
You, Steve. I don't like you anymore.
Denzel, you may have gotten your short-term memory back,
but you forgot who you were.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go fist hamburglar for a shamrock shake.
Hurry up, Woody. I can't hold you much longer.
Give me a minute. It's hard to take a horizontal shit.
There, it's out. Put the flag up.
Oh, shit. Hide.
What the hell is she doing?
Oh, my god. She is obsessed with you.
It all makes sense now.
That's why she's been treating me like shit.
This is great. We can have our lives back.
You just need to ram her.
Ram her hard. Ram her long.
- Ram her deep. - Ew, no way. She's disgusting.
There y'all are. Now come on home.
I need you to hose down Beulah.
Her folds get real cheesy after a good screwing.
Okay, I'll ram her.
Ram her hard, ram her long, ram her deep.
Oh, no. Here comes the secretary.
She's catching up with the car.
She's like Terminator 2!
- Oh, crap, we're dead. - Just act straight, Connie.
- I'm straight. I love penis. - What?
This is about your drug tests.
You passed.
- We did? - How's that possible?
You took it yesterday, remember?
That's right. We must have been so high that we forgot.
- What did you say? - She knows!
I can't stand Steve's silly ass.
He doesn't know anything about work ethic.
Hello, Denzel.
What the hell are you?
You don't remember me? I'm your childhood friend.
Reefer Sutherland?
That's right. I'm here to stop you
from losing your best friend Steve,
because you're all uptight and kind of a dick.
Well, what can I do to save our friendship?
Smoke me, Denzel. Smoke me.
No, I won't do it. I'm making something of my life.
I'm going to show you what life will be like
if you never smoke again. Abraca-dopey.
Oh, look. That's my old drug dealer.
I'm sorry. I lost my best client, Denzel.
There'll be no operation for Whiny Tim.
- But, dad! - Shut your whiny ass up!
Hocus smoke-us.
Without you as a friend, Steve hit rock bottom.
Oh, my god. Steve's a homeless bum?
No. He blows homeless bums.
- Now will you be my friend? - No.
That's terrible. But what happens to me, Reefer?
Without weed, you were a workaholic overachiever.
You become the first all-black president.
Presto-weedo.
Hell, yeah! That's awesome!
Wait a minute. Why am I blind?
Glaucoma.
You made marijuana possession a capital offense.
- Who's that? - Whiny Tim.
Why'd you have to ruin my childhood?
Now I have to kill you.
Run, blind president me!
Steve, warm up that macrib
and paint some eyeballs on your titties. I'm back, bitch!
- Be right there, buddy. - No.
Johnson, what the hell are you doing?
I know your secret. I saw your little love shrine to me.
I'm here to give you what you want: Johnson's Johnson.
You're a very clever man, Woody. That's exactly what I want.
Man, it is good to be back in the upper middle class.
Where's my controller?
Holy shit. There it is.
Ooh, kinky. Daddy like.
Woody, you think you know my secret.
But there's one gaping hole you missed.
What the hell is that?
You don't like it?
No. It looks like someone spilled a can of ravioli.
- Okay. I... - It looks like the elephant man
after a pie-eating contest.
You done?
No. It looks like a Bangladeshi street vendor
- flipped over his food cart! - Enough.
This is your handiwork.
What the hell are you talking about?
- You don't remember your "brother"? - Oh, my god.
- Private Jackubowski? - That's right, Woody.
After you threw me on that grenade and blew my dick off,
it was less humiliating to live as a woman.
The thought of revenge was the only thing
that kept me from blowing my brains out.
I've been waiting a long time for this.
- Are you going to kill me? - That's much too quick and easy.
An eye for an eye. A dong for a dong.
Not the dong! Not the dong! Not the dong!
Yeah, Woody. You get that job back.
I've taken your job, your house, your dignity.
Now it's time for the final piece.
You took my manhood.
- Now I'm taking yours. - No!
Remember the day we got those?
We were brothers, Jackubowski, and I'm sorry I let you down.
I know I deserve this. Just...just get it over with.
As much as I hate you, I'm still a Red Skull.
I took a vow. Respect and protect.
You know something, Jackubowski?
Even without your hose and clankers,
you're a better man than I am.
What I did to you was wrong.
I'd do anything to make it up to you.
Well, I haven't had sex since the incident.
Wait, you're serious?
That's not even a real vagina.
- Oh, yeah. - No! Okay, it ain't bad.
I'm glad our plan worked.
I don't want to talk about it.
What the hell happened to you two?
Don't ask. We've had a rough couple of days.
We're never getting high again.
Oh, there's my weed water.
Well, I've learned a lesson, to respect and protect my staff.
You left the top off the cool whip, asshole!
Whoa!
Steve, you a funny mother[bleep].
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~