(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)
It's not a question of what you're selling.
It's who you're selling.
Virgin sell Branson. United sell Beckham.
Who are you selling?
Um... God.
God? There's your problem.
Let's look at the competition.
Buddha. He's young, wears earrings, casual beachwear, shaved head.
Looks like he's out for a good time.
Allah. Man of mystery. He's whoever you want him to be. Like it.
The Hindu boys. Wildlife. Great for the kids. Big merchandising potential.
God. Uh-oh. Radio 4.
Why do people like Branson? You can have a pint with Branson.
Two pints of Stella for Richard and me. And, God, what are you having?
I don't think so. What kind of name is "God" anyway?
- Well, it's in the Bible. - Yeah, and it's "dog" backwards.
Emma has been focus-grouping the options.
Our sample of 912 C2DE respondents in the Nottingham area
focussed on the most trustworthy and reliable names in people's basic life-choice scenarios.
Now, "Seb" scored very highly, although a huge proportion of 15 to 22-year-olds
felt he might be the kind of person to drink Hooch.
In the end, 37 per cent of our respondents plumped for "Dave".
Dave. Who art in heaven.
Pascal in Style has a few ideas he'd like to prozone for you about Dave's new wardrobe.
(French accent) He should have a beard like mine.
To complete the overview, we've been looking at the brand name "Church of England".
It's a pity, but the name "England" has racist and homophobic overtones, so it's gotta go.
Our first thought was "Church of Ireland". Everybody loves Ireland.
You're guaranteed to get on Channel 4. Stateside, the markets will be wide open.
Right. But here's the amazing thing.
There already is one. Some outfit in Ireland was one step ahead of us.
So, we put our top man on the case.
The Sin Bin.
The Word.
Too '80s.
Dave and Son.
Heaven.
No, it's a nightclub.
United.
For years, you couldn't sell anything without the visual prop of a blazing cornfield.
Of course, we've moved on since then. What sells things today?
Football!
(cigar man) Which means, we'll be replacing this with this.
This will give way to this.
And this will be replaced by this.
(# "Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel)
(man) If David Beckham were a woman,
he'd use Premiership sanitary towels.
(# Cuban music)
(man) Amigo!
David Ginola mange tomato ketchup.
Hi, I'm Carol Vorderman.
For years, I've been paying too much for my home insurance.
Now with Droitwich Home Insurance, I save up to £80 a year.
(referee's whistle)
A full house in tonight for the visit of Arsenal,
and no surprise to see England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson in the crowd.
I'm watching the football. Can't you tape your documentary?
No. The shop's shut.
Every 12 years, the Kumbh Mela festival
sees millions of pilgrims from all over India descend upon Allahabad.
They come to immerse themselves in the holy waters of the Ganges,
seeking spiritual purification and enlightenment.
And, of course, no surprise to see England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson in the crowd.
It's all football, football, football.
Actually, can we turn the telly off? I got a 6 o'clock meeting.
- You've got a 6 o'clock meeting? - No, the people in the building have.
They get very cross stepping over me on the way in.
This shocking murder has not only robbed an entire community
of a much-loved and valued member of the aforementioned community,
but has robbed a pillar of that community, Dr Harris,
not forgetting his lovely wife, Mrs Harris, of their lovely stepdaughter.
Dr Harris has a few words he would like to state.
Daisy was a young girl on the verge of flowering into womanhood.
How anyone could do such a despicable thing to a 17-year-old of such beauty,
such soft, wishbone thighs, is beyond my comprehension.
How anyone could take that rose-pink throat in their masterful hands
and wring it like the neck of a swan,
or whatever, is beyond my comprehension.
As her schoolteacher, I see many young women flower, unchecked.
Sadly, Daisy will not be among them.
She has been plucked... senseless.
Unfortunately, on day 291 of the investigation,
we are still not in the possession of a lead or leads
which will enable us to positively identify the person or persons
responsible for perpetrating this most heinous of perpetrations.
We have had upwards of 100 calls regarding the red Fiesta,
but, sadly, when checked, these turned out to merely be sightings of Dr Harris's red Fiesta.
We are still hoping to trace this man,
witnessed at the scene of the crime by five separate witnesses.
And we're also keen to trace the gentleman spotted by Dr Harris himself,
acting suspiciously in the months prior to the attack.
For our family, Daisy's murder was only the beginning of the nightmare.
I still lie awake at night, imagining her final moments as she cried:
"Stop it. Stop it. This isn't a game any more, you...
mysterious stranger, you."
I can hardly bring myself to gaze once more upon the scene-of-crime photographs,
so horrifyingly compelling are they.
Yes. We will actually be needing them back at some point, Dr Harris. Thank you.
Obviously, my men and I will be pursuing these leads
as vigorously and thoroughly as is humanly vigorous.
But the main focus of our investigation remains as it was from day one:
does any member of the general public recall the name or whereabouts of any local nutter?
You can continue viewing that press conference on BBC Press Conference 24.
And our main headline again. A National Front march in Coventry ends in violence,
leaving a policeman dead and 27 people seriously injured.
Now a look at the weather with Michael.
The National Front may have brought grief to one family in Coventry,
but a different sort of front will be bringing grief right across the North East this weekend.
It's a cold front. So don't forget those thermals.
You tit! You've got a big hairy tit on your head.
You're not a proper soldier.
That's it. Do what you like to him. He can't do nothing.
He's not allowed to move or nothing. Call him a tit again, go on.
(guardsman) I'm paralysed.
What's wrong with these people? Why aren't they helping me?
(father) Throw some chips at him. The tit. Lee, do a piss on him.
(fly unzips followed by urinating)
(Tony Blair) ..teachers, extra classroom assistants.
Extra police recruits for every nurse... ..public servants ..inspiring.
There are fantastic things about Britain... ..poorest and most vulnerable...
(# "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp)
(music blares from window)
(# "Lovely Head" continues)
Clive, when I did the washing, there was a lipstick mark on your vest.
Where were you last Thursday?
Thursday. Thurs-s-sday.
Let me think. Oh, God, yes! I forgot to tell you!
This old friend of mine - haven't seen him for years -
turned up at the office and asked if I'd look after this ring for him.
It was gold. He wanted it melted down, and asked if I'd drop it off at the smelter's.
Anyway, I stopped off on the way for a pint,
and these four men on horseback had been asking after me.
Gave me the willies. So, for security, I decided to pop the ring on
and I began to feel really, really odd.
To cut a long story short, I didn't want to get lost,
so I teamed up with this gang of dwarves and we set off for Mordor.
And that, darling, is what really happened.
That's the plot of Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien.
What were you really doing on Thursday, Clive?
I volunteered to be the come sponge in a Soho fetish club.
It took quite a bit of organising, but we managed to get Emily into Catholic school,
even though, technically, we are C of E.
Jane's given up a few Sunday mornings, chat up the local priest, but I think it was worth it.
- It'll save you a fortune in school fees. - Quite.
Julian, I meant to say earlier - I love what you've done with this bomb.
- (Jane) Thanks. - Was it here when you moved in?
It was boarded up and when we stripped it back,
we found this lovely, 2,000 pound German land mine thing.
We thought it would be nice, given that we've done so much, to keep a bit of history.
Yeah. I went into the whole thing, actually. Came down during a raid in November 1940.
A big section of the street was destroyed, but luckily this little fella didn't go off.
It's very striking. It hits you when you come in. You think, "Wow. There's a big bomb."
- You don't think it's too much? - No. It's very bold, but I like it.
- Who did you get to defuse it? - (ticking)
- Jane sorted it all out. - No. No, I didn't.
- You said you were gonna do it. - (ticking stops)
Erm... I think your clock's just stopped.
(breathes noisily)
- Wow. This is great. - Fun's over. Time to go and see your dad.
(clock ticking)
Timmy! Come in, come in.
Now, I've got a very exciting weekend planned,
but first, Daddy's got something very important to tell you.
Now, you know how Mummy decided she didn't want to be on her own any more
so Roger moved in?
Well, Daddy's decided he doesn't want to be on his own, either.
And he's met a very nice lady called Alison.
And Alison is very excited about meeting you.
Here she is.
Hello, Timmy.
Daddy told me you liked Action Man, so I bought you some Action Man pants.
You're not my mummy. I don't want a new mummy.
I hate you. Back off, you fucking bitch!
Keep your smelly hands off me, you fat, ugly, flat-chested whore!
(weeps)
Uh, just a second, Timmy.
Stay here for a moment.
(# "Deer Stop" by Goldfrapp)
Daddy?
Mummy told me to say that.
I like Alison. I've always wanted some Action Man pants.
Is Alison coming back?
(door bell)
Iain! Catriona! Come on in.
- Hello, there. How are you? - OK?
Oh, look at Ally and Stuart. Haven't they grown?
What about your new arrival? Has he got a name yet?
He certainly has.
I'd like to introduce Othello.
Or as I'll be shortening it to when I'm older - Steve.
My, you're a bonny wee lad with your bonny wee name, eh?
Piss off.
What are you gonna be when you grow up? A fireman? Or a soldier?
Oh, yeah. That would be fucking magic.
"Where's Private Othello?" "He's in the toilet with a broom handle up his arse. "
Well, young Othello, we brought you a present from Edinburgh. It's something to wear.
Fabulous. I've been bought something to wear by the world's biggest ponce.
It's a bonny wee kilt.
Note to future therapist - it was the fucking jock
and his fucking skirt that sparked the personality disorder.
Why don't we introduce him to Ally and Stuart?
Oh, great.
Ally and Stuart don't seem to like Othello.
What did you expect? I'm a fucking embarrassment.
(Stuart) See you? I'm going to fucking have you, pal.
That's better. Look - he's crawling towards him.
- I'm going to rip your fucking head off. - Go on, Stuart. Give him the phone.
- You're fucking dead! - (Othello wails)
(clears throat)
(speaks like a voice-over) I could have been a contender, instead of a bum,
which is what I am.
It was you, Charlie. It was you, Charlie.
(man) Yes. OK.
Like that again, but could you try and make it even more New York?
I really want to smell those docks.
Yes.
(same voice) I could have been a contender.
We've seen enough. We'll let you know.
- This part is well within my capabilities. - Thanks very much.
I mainly do voice-overs, but I'm a classically trained actor.
Next, please!
Guy? Guy, is that you? How did the audition go?
(as voice-over) I didn't get it again. When are these talentless bastards going to realise
that I'm bloody good?
I love you, but you'll have to do a bit more minicabbing.
Oh, yeah, Penny? That's just great.
Driving pissed accountants home at 3am.
- Guy, we're behind with the rent. - Don't fucking start.
Don't press my buttons, you stupid cow,
or I'll bitch-slap you from one end of the room to the other.
Oh, Guy.
Oh, God. Here come the waterworks.
It's just that sometimes you can be so caring
and then you just flip and it's like I'm talking to a different man.
The crater of Kenya's Ngorongoro volcano,
where mighty herds of wildebeest surge across the open plains.
An almost unstoppable force of nature.
And, of course, no surprise to see England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson in the crowd.
I'm tired. Can you turn the light off?
Course.
Night, love.
(# "Oh Home" by Paco Fernandez/Levitation featuring Cathy Batistessa)
(through headphones) Think positively. "I'm a strong, independent man. "
"I'm in control of my life. "
"I can suck off a complete stranger in a public toilet. "
Yes. I can do it.
I can be a first-time cottager.
Hello.
Anybody there?
I am a strong, independent man.
Anybody here who wants to maybe, possibly, suck cock?
Be here at midnight
to suck my
massive cock.
Too bombastic.
Come on, Geoff. Sell yourself. This is Shakespeare's language.
No. Too nautical.
Come on, Geoff. You're not in Barnsley.
You write 800 reports a day. What do people want?
Meat. Big meat.
Be here at midnight to munch -
nice alliteration -
on my red-hot
quarter-pounder.
Is this the place for the red-hot quarter-pounder?
- Yes. - OK, then, get it out.
What? Now? OK, yes, OK.
I have to tell you, you are now liable for prosecution.
Oh, God. My first time and you're a policeman.
No, I am a trading standards officer.
You are liable to prosecution under weights and measures legislation. Lads.
Right, sir, pop it on there.
(Geoff yelps)
Apart from the fact that it is illegal to advertise using imperial measures,
I would say that it was not so much a quarter-pounder as a McNugget.
Thermometer.
(Geoff yelps)
Ah. Well, you see - 37.4 degrees. Not exactly "red-hot" is it, sir?
OK, then. Quick picture for the local paper.
And we will be requiring a signed statement from your elderly, white-haired mother.
You can put that away, now, sir.
(through headphones) You're a weakling. A nobody.
You couldn't even gobble a stranger.
(breathless woman) You've called Slutspeak.
Mm. This service costs £8.50 a minute.
It's adults only, so if you're under 18, hang up.
Mm.
Now we've separated the boys from the men,
I'll connect you to one of our hot sluts,
who are ready and willing to talk to you.
Ooh.
Hello. Hello, is anyone there?
(Guy) Hi. I'm Fiona and I'm getting wet.
- Are you hard yet? - Is this the right number?
Yes. I'm a hot and horny slut. Stripped and ready for action.
As well as being a classically trained actor.
There you are, young man. That's you sorted.
I think I'll be back here many, many times throughout my life.
What a terrible thing to do to an innocent little baby.
You think that's a crime? Wait till you see my fucking birth certificate.
- I'm going to miss you, Mr Jennings. - We're going to miss you, too, Ivan.
Will me mammy be here for to meet us?
Er, no, Ivan.
- She died in 1978. - Oh.
We would have told you, only we thought you was the Meatsafe Murderer.
- That's fair. - But now science has proved you innocent,
please accept my deepest sympathy in this, your hour of need.
- You have always looked after me, Mr Jennings. - Yeah.
I've got some items to give back to you. One half-drunk tin of dandelion and burdock. Flat.
One pair of Tuf shoes with animal prints on sole.
One Polaroid Swinger hand-held pocket camera.
One seven-inch single - "I'm the Leader of the Gang," brackets, "I Am" by Gary Glitter.
He's my favourite. I'd love to meet him.
- You have. He used to serve the soup. - You are funny, Mr Jennings.
Yeah. Here's your suit and tie. You'll find £120,000 compensation
for false imprisonment in the inside pocket.
Is that everything, Mr Jennings?
Everything? Why, yes, Ivan.
- That's the lot. - Oh.
But wait.
Look!
What's this I've found?
- Ta-dah! - Mr Hoppy! Yippee!
(# "Come" by Eddie Warner)
Hello. I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it.
I had to say I did so that they'd take the truncheon out of me bottom.
Only, there's these two nice men called D and A,
and they know that I never done it, and they've told everyone.
Can I have a quarter pound of kola cubes?
We don't do 'em by the pound no more. Only do 'em by the kilogram. It's the law.
I've got £120,000.
Oh.
Well, you're fine, then. That's enough for five kilograms.
Five kilograms of kola cubes. Yippee!
Hello. I'm Ivan Dobsky, the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it.
I've eaten all me kola cubes and now I feel sick.
I've got no money left.
I'm very sorry to hear it.
I wish I could go back to me cell,
only I'm not allowed to live in prison no more cos I haven't done nothing bad.
Ivan. What you doing here? It's four in the morning.
- I've brought you something. - Ah.
- You filth! - I'm home.
(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)