Yo, fellas, guess what I got.
Two field passes to the Pittsburgh/Cleveland game!
- No way! - Whoa!
Unh! Don't touch!
I just windexed these babies. You'll smudge the lamination.
Me and a guest are gonna be watching the game
from the sideline, drinking the same Gatorade as the players
and sitting in front of one of those big-ass cool zone fans,
just [imitates fan buzzing]
I love that stadium!
I was once a guest of Terry Bradshaw's.
He gave me an all-access pass. And I gave him one, too.
So, uh, how'd you score those?
I sold this customer a sweet 3-D HD in-home theater.
And he's so happy with it, he gave you the tickets.
No, his wife was so pissed that he spent their vacation
money on a TV, she was gonna cheat on him, and I told her,
"hey, if you really want to get back at him, give me his field passes."
[laughter]
Your wife cheating on you with a Canadian exterminator
is a hurt you never recover from.
I've revealed too much.
So, Roy, you're taking me, right? Your best friend.
Wait a minute. I'm his best friend.
- You're taking me, right? - Guys, stop fighting.
We all know Roy's gonna take his wife.
[laughter]
Well, you can take this guy out of the running,
because I'm getting ready for my mom's birthday.
Well, that's a shame.
These passes are worth about a grand apiece.
I was figuring I could take you and that
would settle our whole bar-tab brouhaha.
Oh, so it's called a brouhaha.
I guess that makes sense ... I serve you a brew,
I ask you to pay, and you say, "ha ha." [laughter]
So, it's me or Ahmed. Choose.
Come on, Roy.
If I had a functioning liver and you needed it,
I'd give you half ... or... whatever part worked.
Wait a minute.
There's something you're not considering.
If you'll permit me, I think what Owen is trying to say is,
football is America's game.
And Owen is American through and through.
And so are you, Roy, but there are still a lot
of lingering questions about this one over here.
- I'm American, Hank. - So you keep claiming.
If you take this guy, Roy, you're gonna miss the first
quarter while a dog is sniffing him for powder residue.
3x10 - Monkey Plate
♪ Da, da da da, da da da ♪
♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪
♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪
♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪
I got the wine for mom's surprise birthday party.
Steve, you own a bar. Why would you buy wine?
It's a Korean rice wine. It's for my mom's Hwangap.
Ohhhhhh. She has Hwangap?
By law, she has to notify all her previous partners.
No, Hwangap is a traditional Korean celebration
the children give their parents for their 60th birthday party.
We get Korean flowers, eat a special red-bean cake.
Some people display a severed hog's head ...
a little violent for us, so we're serving pigs in a blanket.
So, who's RSVPed so far?
Well, dad's side of the family said no,
but they do want front-row seats to her funeral.
- Anybody else? - Well, I can't invite
mom's sister, Sook-Ja, because they hate each other.
Right. That feud's been ugly for years.
Yeah.
Do you think the U.P.S. ever delivered that box of dog poop?
I doubt it. There's an 80-pound limit.
Huh.
But I did invite Aunt Sook-Ja's daughter, Cousin Jenny.
Steve, why would you do that?
Well, because a Hwangap is all about family,
and I really think we're missing out on something
by not reaching out and connecting with our relatives.
Don't you want them in our lives?
Yeah. That would be incredible.
But are you sure mom's gonna be okay with it?
Maybe we should run it past dad first.
Run what past dad?
Uh... We were talking about
what shoulder my bar towel should be on.
Well, if you wear it on your left, it means you're gay.
Oh. Thanks, dad.
- Yeah. - Thanks for what?
Oh, uh, we were talking about
what shoulder I should put my bar towel on.
Well, if you wear it on the right, it means you're gay.
- Dad said the left. - With your slender build,
guys are gonna hit on you either way.
Hey, good buddy, I got you a little gift,
and it has nothing to do with that once-in-a-lifetime field pass.
- Oh. - Since you got that promotion,
I wanted to get you a pen that reflects such authority.
- Did you rehearse that? - No, that's from my heart, asshole.
Ooh. A woman in a bikini.
Turn it upside-down. Her bathing suit slides off.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
- What's that? - Her dick. It's from Thailand.
- I can't stop staring at it. - Come on, Ahmed.
Trying to buy Roy's friendship so he'll take you to the game ...
- that's shameless. - Yeah ... shameless.
Hey, Roy, last night, I was writing in my friendship journal.
And the entry, like many others, was all about us.
It made me remember the moment when we first met.
This one's for you, buddy.
[arpeggio plays]
♪ It was late at the arcade ♪
♪ all my tokens were gone ♪
♪ not a friend in sight ♪
♪ not even Steve Sulli-von ♪
♪ from behind the "NBA jam" machine ♪
♪ came a boy who looked like Kareem ♪
It was Roy.
♪ you came with a handful of tokens ♪
♪ and my heart became unbroken ♪
♪ Roy, Roy, you're my token friend ♪
♪ and you'll be that till the bitter end ♪
♪ token friend ♪ ♪ token friend ♪
♪ Roy, you're my ♪
♪ token friend. ♪
Whoa. This is kind of a weak turnout for mom's party.
We need more people.
Way ahead of you. I got Carol on it.
She's getting some seat fillers, and, uh ...
and there they are.
Ladies of the DMV, your attention, please.
You're here to celebrate the birthday
of a woman who looks sweet but is meaner than a department
manager when you turn in a 1035-S form without a signature!
Thank you very much, Carol. This is gonna be great.
Oh, you're more than welcome.
Steve, Barry wants to know
why you're wearing the towel on the gay side.
I'm not, okay? How's this?
Barry says he's in, but no rough stuff.
- Jenny? Is that you? - Susan? Oh, my god!
[both laugh]
Steve! Look who's here!
Hey! Jenny!
Thank you so much for coming.
Oh, are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it.
Look at us. We survived our Korean childhood.
Yeah, we did!
But you guys are so lucky that you're only half Korean.
- Oh, we're still very Korean. - Yeah. [chuckles]
Oh, come on. Look at those eyes. Those are not Korean eyes.
You look like white people trying to line up a putt.
Our mom more than made up for it. She was pretty brutal.
Well, did your mom ever say anything like this ...
[Korean accent] "You practice violin until your fingers bleed,
"then tape up your fingers and practice piano.
Then take them off and practice your cello, you lazy ass"?
[laughter]
No. But she does criticize my haircut.
[as Ok Cha] "Susan, you showing too much face."
[normal voice] Well, when my mom saw my first tattoo,
I was in the doghouse for years.
You do one thing they disapprove of, they shame you with guilt.
No, Steve, I actually lived in a doghouse.
Okay, I think we can all agree that our mothers are insane.
Let's promise each other this Korean craziness stops with us.
I want to put an end to the feud so we can be a family again.
That's why I'm here.
I am gonna super so apologize to your mom.
- I'm gonna bow on everything. - Well, she does love groveling. [laughter]
She's coming! Everybody, hide!
All: Surprise!
[gasps] [slap]
What?! I had nothing to do with this!
I know. You can't keep a secret from me.
I just needed to hit somebody! I hate surprises!
- Happy birthday, mom. - Did you plan all this for me?
I helped, too. I did the invitations.
- I got the wine and the flowers. - Thank you, Steve.
I also did all the research on Korean birthday traditions
- so your Hwangap would be perfect. - Thank you, Steve.
Okay, everybody!
All: Happy birthday, Okha!
Ooh, thank you.
Who are these people?
Look at her. She's having fun.
This could be a very lucky night for me.
I got one cialis left. I'm taking it.
Why does that girl look familiar to me?
Oh, that's Cousin Jenny. I invited her.
What?! Steve, come here.
You asked Sook-Ja's daughter?
Your mother's gonna hit the roof!
Oh, you could have told me
before I took my last boner pill.
- Mom's gonna be fine, dad. - Eh, you say that now.
And tonight, it's just me and... Roy's new pen.
- Is that who I think it is? - Nah, that's nobody.
Come upstairs, honey. Joe Cialis is in town. [chuckles]
That is the devil spawn of my sister! Who invited her?!
I did. If you're gonna blame anybody, blame me.
Susan, what have you done?!
What did you do?
Look who you welcomed into our home ... our blood enemy.
I think you mean "blood relative."
In Korean tradition, it's just like a vampire ...
once you invite it in, only you can ask it to leave.
- Ask it to leave, Steve. - It has a name ... Jenny ...
and she's not going anywhere.
- You're gonna go talk to her. - No, I'm not.
Oh, god. She's coming over here.
Look ... her feet aren't touching the ground.
Happy birthday, Imo.
I brought you some hangul, imported directly from Korea.
Please accept it with all my good wishes.
This is the part where you accept her gift and say something nice.
[sighs]
Please wish your mother a speedy passage to hell.
- Try again. - Okay.
May she choke on her own vomit.
Mom, can I see you for a second?
Mom, that is the rudest thing I've ever seen you do,
and I've seen you put poop in a box and mail it.
She gave you a present and everything.
Oh! This is not a present. It's an insult!
It's hangul! It's like Korean spam!
It's actually worse than spam.
In this country, we wouldn't even feed it to a dog.
Susan, you can take it home.
Look, she's not trying to insult you.
She's like Susan and I. We just want to end
this feud so our family can get together again.
[chuckling] Oh, you stupid boy.
She's not here for my birthday.
She's here to find the heirloom.
- What heirloom? - The monkey plate.
- The monkey plate? - Yes, the monkey plate.
- What the hell's a monkey plate? - It's the heirloom!
My grandmother had a plate that I loved.
And when she died, Sook-Ja knew I wanted that plate.
And instead of just letting me have it,
she buried it with our grandmother.
- So I took it out of her casket. - You broke into her casket?
After I dug it up.
And Sook-Ja has been furious with me ever since because I defied her.
Mom, there's only one way to end this feud ...
- give the plate back. - Never!
That's the one nice memory I have of my grandmother.
Everything all right in here?
No. The kids say I'm a bad person because I dug up my
grandmother's grave and I pried a plate from her cold, dead hands.
Tell them I was right to do it.
- You were right to do it. - Really, dad?
Kid, I just came in here for a quiet place to be with Roy's pen.
Oh!
I know your sister treated you badly, but that's your niece out there.
This is not your finest hour.
So, you all think I should go out there and apologize.
All: Mm-hmm.
All right. I'll do it.
But this is turning out to be one sucky Hwangap.
Owen: Where have you guys been?
Little magical place called Dave & Buster's.
Yeah, they have this photo booth that can combine photos
of each of you and show you what your baby would look like.
Look ... our baby looks like Bruno Mars.
Fine. So you guys have a baby together.
But what's this I have? A new Playstation 4 for Roy?
- Oh, nice! The new one! - Where did you get the money for this?
My neighbor's kid's a very sound sleeper.
After an exciting day like this, you know what I could go for?
Pretzel bites.
- Got it. - On it.
Roy, don't you think that this whole thing
- has gone a little too far? - Not at all.
I'm giving them the experience of a lifetime
with this field pass. I deserve to be catered to.
Well, that's one thing, but you're treating them like slaves.
Yeah, well, what can I say? Reparations are a bitch.
- Seriously, if you need me to go ... - No, no, Jenny, please don't go anywhere.
My mom has something she'd like to say to you.
Jenny, after talking to my family, I realized I was wrong.
I'm sorry for what I did all those years ago.
I want you to give this to your mother.
Oh! It's the monkey plate! And what's this?
Oh. That's something else.
Thank you. This is incredibly generous of you, Imo.
- It's time for this feud to end. - I'm so glad to hear that.
And the sooner I get this plate back to my mom,
the sooner we can all book our Disney family cruise.
- Bye. - Good to see you.
So glad to have our families together again.
Me too.
- I'm very proud of you. - Come here, my babies.
[laughter]
Mom, are ... are you crying?
No, I'm laughing! The plate I just gave her was a fake!
- What?! - That's right.
And now she's taking it home to my va-junt of a sister.
Why would you do that?!
Why do you want this feud to keep going?!
Because I'm right and I'm Korean.
[laughs]
Happy freaking birthday to me!
We couldn't find any pretzel bites,
so we stopped at the gas station.
[singsong voice] I got you some brake fluid.
I got you a bathroom key.
Not what I was expecting, but both gifts please me.
You know, Roy, you're really being a jerk, making them run
all over town, fetching you stuff, like two Irish setters.
I don't mind. I'm a dog person.
Hey, this is a hard decision. I only have one of these to give away.
One of these guys is gonna be disappointed.
You need to make a decision.
A good way to do that is ... is play a game.
"Who knows Roy best?" Whoever wins gets to go.
Ahmed: I'm in. Whoever knows him best gets the ticket.
I know Roy best.
When we were 11 years old, we found a Penthouse magazine,
and we shared a very special and exhausting afternoon.
All right. I can roll with that.
I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions about my life.
Whoever gets the most right goes with me to the game.
- Great. - Cool.
What's my favorite color?
- Red. - Yellow.
Mauve.
Roy: Right. It complements my skin tone.
We've talked about this.
Okay, I'll make it a little easier.
- What's my favorite food? - Snacks.
- What specifically? - Salty snacks?
- Corn dogs! - This is true.
And he's a slave to the snow cone.
No offense.
Looks like Hank got two right.
Together: Hank's not playing!
You guys said whoever knows him best gets the field pass.
Feel like going to the game, Hank?
I might enjoy such.
You two need to get it together. I don't want to go with him.
I want to go with one of you guys.
Okay, so, forget all the other questions.
Next person to get this question right ... they get the field pass.
Here's a lay-up. What's my favorite movie?
- "The notebook"? - We just watched it yesterday.
- "Sportscenter"? - "Car wash"!
He always says he can't decide if he likes the music or the story more.
Ohh! That's right! Hank's going to the game!
- Come on. - Hey, I won! Ha ha!
Hey, it looks like it's me and you, Roy.
Well, this is very exciting. Last time I won something
was a spot on our battalion's firing squad.
Once again, I've revealed too much.
Look at me all you want
with your beady, little disapproving eyes.
- I'm not sorry. - Well, you should be.
I deserve that plate.
It's the one good memory I have of my grandmother,
and that's why I've always kept it right here.
[laughing] What?
How many other secret hiding compartments are in my bar?
On a need-to-know basis.
Look, I'm sorry you had to go through all that, mom,
but, uh, Susan and I don't want this whole thing
carrying on to the next generation.
Jenny is just like her mother.
No, she's not. She's like Susan and I.
She's not a lunatic, like you two.
Trust me ... you're going to thank me one day
- for getting rid of her. - I doubt it.
You know, it would have been nice to have Jenny over
for the holidays, thanksgiving someday...
you know, one big, happy family.
Why is the jukebox moving?
Daaaaah! Give me the plate, old woman!
Jenny, what's going on here?
I thought we all wanted the same thing.
Shut up, white boy! All I came for was the plate!
- Ok? - Cha: See? I knew my sister sent you.
"Oh, happy birthday, Imo.
Here's a can of spam to shove up your ass!"
Aah!
I came for blood, and I will not stop until I retrieve what I came for!
Blood will answer blood!
Pittsburgh-style!
[both screaming] Steve: All right, that's enough!
Quit! Stop!
This ends now!
- Ohh! - Ohh! Steve!
- Why did you do that? - You gave me no choice.
My mother raised me with one mission ...
to bring that monkey plate back to her.
- Now I've disappointed her. - You guys were gonna kill each other.
Oh. Now I've disappointed her twice.
[speaks Korean]
Get your ass outta here.
Oh, I need to hit the hay.
"Hit the hay"? Wait a minute.
That wast the real monkey plate, was it?
[thick Korean accent] Oh, I no speak-a English very well.
Cut the crap. You gave me a fake plate knowing
- I was gonna break it all along. - Yes, because I knew
Jenny would see through the first plate.
I may despise my sister, but I respect her.
She knows how to train a child.
I've spoiled you and your sister with my nurturing.
- So, where's the real plate? - You want to see it?
It's been here for the last 20 years ...
right under Hank's ass.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Damn. She's too good.
That's not the real plate, either, is it?
I got a box of those. I can do this all night long.
I just saw Jenny get into a windowless van
and speed down the alley. What happened here?
Jenny's not the cousin we were hoping for.
Look, mom, as much as I wanted
to reconnect with the other family, I guess I should
have been pretty grateful for the one I have here.
- That's always been enough for me. - Me too.
Family is about love and compassion and respect for each other.
- And we have that. - That's right, Susan.
Steve, walk your mother up the stairs.
- And, Susan? - Hmm?
Clean up that shit.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~